Where to Find Peace

Today I woke up with a knot in my stomach.  Anxiety. Some things  in my life are out of hand....meaning, not in my control.  So whose hand are they in?
I prayed just now for peace.....the peace that passes all understanding....and suddenly I had understanding.  Peace rests on Trust.  If we trust the One who holds all things together, who provides for our needs, who protects us from danger, who knows the unknown, who holds the tides of Nature, THEN we find peace.  So does peace depend on us?  NO...it depends on the One in whom we trust.  When you trust someone who has the power to keep you safe, then your safety and  your peace come from His hand...not from the strength  of my trust.  And peace. All-consuming, indisturbable, PEACE is the result.  So if you are feeling like you need some peace, take the temperature of your trust and fix your gaze on the One who holds your future, supports you today and helps you get over your yesterday.

Breaking the Silence

Last evening, I had my second book signing at the Pike County Public Library.  This one was to  celebrate the Mental Health Awareness Week....I was really worried that  no one would show up but there were two couples and three other individuals as well as my daughter and her boyfriend and a couple with whom I'm friends and also the library program coordinator.

I read two portions from my book and then answered questions and hosted a lively discussion regarding the paucity of support available for the mentally ill in this county.  There was talk of beginning a support group on our own or under the auspices of NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill).  We exchanged email addresses and they bought my book.

All in all it was a great night, discovering that there are people feeling as disenfranchised as I have been feeling....and it felt wonderful that my book may be some sort of reference or help to encourage them.

If you are one of those people who feel all alone with your illness may I recommend a great online forum Schizophrenia Forums.  Here people meet in anonymity and talk about their illness or just life in general.  It was this forum that finally got me to realize and admit that I have SZ.  Prior to that I was in deep denial despite 40+ hospital stays.  Part of the problem was that in the hospital you see people in the worst stages of their illness and I compared myself to these ill people and thought to myself "I'm not like that" (Never mind that I was the most frequently restrained person in the unit during my hospital stays). Anyway. On this online  forum I met people who  were successfully managing their illness and learned that there is a wide range of behaviors among the seriously mentally ill.  There are those who hold down jobs and go to school ...and there are those who attempt to live without meds and you ride the bumpy waves with them as they frequently crash and burn.

Here I learned: I am just like you all are.  And that must mean that I, too, have SZ.  I feel terrible that I did not think to recommend this web forum to the people last night. I do have a list of the email addresses of the people who attended last night.  Maybe I will send them all an email to mention this to them.

I was honored to meet these people.  Most of all my heart went out to  the desperate parents of mentally ill young people.  These are people who have suffered in a way that only those of us with mentally ill children can understand.  They are hurting and desperate. I so much wanted to encourage them....and I wish I had told them that the first few years of illness are the worst and the roughest.  After that things often even out.

There was talk of starting our own support group here in Pike County and of somehow making our need known among the political entities that are local to us here.  I would love to be a part of that.  What an important legacy that could be!  The mentally ill are silent sufferers. They are in need and their needs are not being met.  We will remain silent, alone, and in need as long as we are easily ignored.  The only way to break out of our lonely suffering is to make a noise.....a noise heard by others with mental illness....and ultimately a noise heard by the community and its legislators.  The problems are immense. There are the financial stresses caused by unemployment and frequent hospital stays where insurance does not cover and the public funds are sparse.  There is the sense of isolation....feeling that we are alone in our suffering, when the truth is there are mentally ill people all around us. There is the difficulty in socializing and making friends when our illness is one that isolates us and some of the symptoms of the disease  alienation and difficulty in socializing.  All of this must be overcome if we are to find a community within our community, where we can share, support and weep with each other.

And maybe in some small way I have contributed to that beginning to happen.

The Fouth Day

I have been sick.  I'm sure it is bronchitis, having walked this path many times.  Next will come asthma.  The aches and pains are pretty much gone, leaving weakness in their stead.  Grossly juicy coughing.  And a head and chest full of ick. 

I've been in the house, mostly in bed for four days.  No church today.  Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist.  On Thursday (I think) one of my molars broke in half....I'm going to have it extracted...no money for a crown.  Thankfully the fracture was painless.  The dentist is squeezing me in...double booking...so I cannot exchange the appointment for another day.  I just hope I don't choke on phlegm with my head tipped back and his hands in my mouth.

This is the first time in about 3 years that I have been sick. (with the exception of a nefarious stomach virus).  I'd forgotten those aches that wrack your body the first, second and maybe third day of illness.  The first two day I did not have congestion....just was tight as a drum.  But now it is all loosening up. My O2 SAT is down to 92.  That is not a good number.  But it could be worse...let's hope we don't get to explore lower numbers.

I do NOT want to go to the hospital for IV steroids!! I've lost 22 lbs and want to KEEP it off.
"Lord, have mercy on me...."

I'm tired of laying in bed....I just got up and washed the dishes....and then was VERY glad to lay in bed some more.  I wonder how I will survive the 1.5 hours in the car on the way to the dentist and then the appointment and then the trip back.  Also I need to make a stop or two...My ear buds are not functioning....and those are a necessity.  Also need almond milk and bananas.  Two more necessities.

Sorry, no words of profundity ...no deep thoughts today.  The only thing deep is my cough.

Some Poems

The Pretext of Darknesss

Under my solitary lamp

A poem pulls at the periphery of thought,

Begging to be birthed.

I own the night—or am I the owned?

I am wearied by obligatory tasks;

The ‘I shoulds’ of a silent night.

Perhaps I should greet silence

With Silence.

Or converse with the unseen Divine.

The night owns me.

The Ruler of the Night trumps the uninvited Pretender

Who claims rights as well.

My mind is a stranger to poetry,

Having left it in some furrow along my path

Does it spring up? Like the Sower’s seed?

“Take care, friend, that the seed you sow

Is not met by tangles of human frailty,

Dark imaginings,

Or pain"

Take care that the mockery or censure of spirits

Does not snatch the seed as it falls, like hungry ravens

Quoting ‘nevermore.’

Wait, rather, for the soft whisper

The familiar ineffable, wholly “Other”

Who waits quietly

To have His say; To stake his claim

To the darkness of this ceaseless night.

When you are owned by the Light

Dark paths matter not….

When the traveler of the spheres

Holds one’s hand, Darkness flees

Though the night be prolonged.

So, hope yet in the dawn,

And permit the poem to be spawned.

Here in the small circle of lamplight

A chronicle of Life in the pretext of Death.

Cynthia Lott Vogel

1-20-15

All Rights Reserved

Vicki 

7-23-13

All rights reserved

Ahh my friend...we shall sit down to tea--

you and me.

It's your favorite blend

Perfect for a broken heart

Perhaps it will mend

Mine.

The loss that will not go away.

 I'm the one to stay

My chats go out into the dark of space

Unrequited.

I think of where you lie

In the warm loam--

I'll drink my tea alone

How can one love so completely,--

When it is only the tapping of keys

That united our hearts?

No one has ever mourned my pain

The way you did

Those tears are diamonds to me now

And maybe the diamonds in your crown.

The Stillbirth 

CLV 5-12-15

All Rights Reserved

Poetry eludes me

Words confuse me.

I get lost in their corridors –

-- turning corners

One after the other

Forgetting from whence I have come

And to where I am going.

I find a beautiful one, like a gem on the beach:

Rolled til satin–smooth,

Bounced about my mind til commonplace
I tasted it on my tongue

Soft, slow, sweet--

Fragrant-- like dried lavender.                     

I must use it.

But oh!! It is gone!!

Riding the gray waves of what matters.

Slipped through a crevice and leapt back to the surf

From whence it had come.

I am bereft; the poem: stillborn.

 

 

90,088!

HINDSIGHT

 Did you notice? My blog has surpassed 90,000 visitors!  Hard to fathom but I am so grateful that people read my words and thoughts---I thank each one of you.  This blog has become to be my magnus opus....my life's work.  I have not really pursued publication in magazines....My memoir, Treasures from Darkness and this blog are  what I  consider to be my outlet for self expression. It is in those two venues that I have said what I wish to say, to communicate to the world.  Maybe you haven't realized it but I have close to 900 articles (posts) in this blog....it is a treasure trove of information on Schizophrenia, chronic pain, and thoughts on God and the Scriptures....if you scroll down in the side bar there is a listing for the 7 years that this blog has covered, you can select a year and then a month and then a particular post.  OR you can use the search engine toward the top of the side bar and look up a topic like "faith" "schizophrenia" "pain" and you will get a listing of all the articles dealing with that.  I urge to you take some time and explore all that this blog has to offer.

Thank you friends for your visits. I will continue to attempt to give you quality fare on which to ponder.  God Bless.

Oh, to have a Second Chance!

It' s mom's day this Sunday.  I am both a mom and a daughter.  There are some regrets lurking in my heart...maybe if I drag them out into the light they will lose their power to "guiltify" me.

First in my role as a mom:

1. . I wish that I'd known what was going on in my little one's troubled, frightened mind. I knew she was insecure and had one phobia after another.  But I didn't know how deeply she was suffering.  Her clinging to me was her way of demonstrating her need of help or at least compassion.  I just knew that it was hard to do housework with a little one attached to my leg.  Her phobias led me to use some creative measures to try to empower her against these fears.  And most of the time my ideas worked....but as soon as we would get the victory over one, there was always one waiting in the wings..
2.   I wish I'd know of the frightening BULLY tactics used by her Sunday School teachers when she was young.  Her teachers were all relatively new Christians who had no place teaching a class of impressionable minds and using object lessons that my daughter interpreted in a very negative way.  It was largely due to these fumbling idiocies  my daughter decided that God was a bully who delighted in causing us pain.
3. I wish I would have stopped my busyness and really focused on spending time with my daughter...It was so hard to have a career and hobbies and to make sure the little one got enough of my time, especially when she had no way at ALL of amusing her self when not in front of the TV.  She was terrified to be alone.
4. As she grew, the problems grew also.  I will not give you more information than that because it would intrude on her privacy....leave it to say, many nights I cried in to my pillow, not knowing where she was or if she was safe.
5. I wish I had tried harder to get her to memorize Scripture back when her mind and heart were hungry sponges. Or read to her Bible stories.  It hurts to admit this but I failed in raising my daughter in the Faith because I decided to obey my husband's wishes instead.  This was a huge error.  I only pray that she sees my faith practiced and will learn from the Bible of my life and writings.

ok no more regrets....

• I loved the way she played with my ear when I was holding her and sucked her other thumb.  It was such a special bond between us.
• I love the fact that she is as talented or more talented than I am in Art., drawing and painting.  It was something we used to do together until I got too crippled to be able to maintain my creative ventures.
• She is incredibly beautiful....no wonder she always had a lineup of guys after her attentions.
• I'm proud of her. She has come a long way from the dark days of her late teens and very early 20's.  
• this is a dysfunctional family --it may take some more time but I pray she will get her distance and put it behind her.  ---while still maintaining contact.   I'm not saying I don't want to see her anymore.

All in all. I would not have chosen anyone else to have as a daughter.  There 's a lot I understand in hindsight but I cannot torture myself for not being perfect.

Anyway.  HAPPY MOM's DAY, ME!!


 

A Long and Winding Road

I may have mentioned that once more I'm doing the eating plan designed by Dr Joel Fuhrman---cardiologist and former Olympic Ice Skater.  I had forbidden myself to look at the scale until my six week intro program is complete.  I'm close to half way through that period and it looks like I will have to stay on the stricter version of the meal plan rather than having it ease up. I broke the "NO WEIGHING" dictum.  I didn't lose any weight in the past week which was horribly depressing.  I cannot let that defeat me though...I have to be patient with  the steroid-ridden body of mine.  I do hope that my doctor takes me off of the steroid, however I know that that will reawaken a huge amount of pain and also the return of my asthma problems....However I am getting weaker and weaker and I know that that is the result of the steroids messing with my muscles.  I need to get off of them and quickly.

Today I bought two  shirts that were two sizes smaller than my other ones are....and they fit.  So something is happening in this body of mine.  The pants are the bigger problem since I carry all my weight around my middle.  These are two  or three sizes smaller than I wore at my heaviest.

Just thinking about this made me hungry (I guess that is how I deal with disappointment)...I made a two ingredient ice cream cookie.  

Banana Ice cream sandwich

Intrigued? I was too.  I attempted it once before but had added some almond milk to make it creamier but I added too much so the ice cream was half melted....and to top it off, I put the ice cream directly on the hot "cookie" which only melted it.  It was a complete failure.
This time I used my mini chopper/food processor (instead of the blender) and I baked the cookies first so they would cool  while I was making the ice cream  ....it worked perfectly. The ice cream was the right consistency.  I put them onto a plate and put it in the freezer to harden even more.  I cooked the cookies at 380* for 9 minutes.  This worked out perfectly.

I'm looking forward to having it for dessert.  The question is: what do I have for dinner?  I was kind of bad at lunch....so maybe a salad is in  order.  I bought a pre-made lettuce and greens bag of salad. One of them had baby kale in it so that sounds very good.
Sorry to be obsessing about what I put in my mouth.   It's one of these "welcome to my life" blogs.  And really maybe no one is interested....but maybe you will  make  a guilt-free ice cream sandwich so all is not lost.