Sunny-Side Up

I wrote a different blog post this morning based on some bad news at the eye doctor yesterday.  I immediately looked at the worst case scenario and wrote some posts on FB and here bemoaning what I was sure was going to be my Fate.  Then ---I get two Bible verses in my email every day--and I looked at today's verse and this is

what it said : "This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all." 1 John 1:5.  Not only was I bemoaning the possibility of going blind, I was taking the most negative approach possible....two kinds of darkness.

What do  you bring into tough situations that you face?  I confess that I often have a negative outlook.  Darkness.  Bringing darkness into my friendships and family relationships.  But in God there is no darkness at all.  Not only is he able to take care of my vision and prevent that darkness but he was revealing to me the darkness in my soul.  And that kind of darkness is contagious. It also is not the best way to "win friends and influence people."

So Lord, I confess this sinful tendency of mine. I ask that you would flood my heart with Light.  Help me to spread that light.  Make it my home page.  If  you got the first email I wrote today, I apologize...I deleted that blog because I wanted to erase all the evidence of a darkened heart.

Yes there do come cloudy days.  But when they come do we recall that the sun will come out again?  I want to change my heart in this regard.  I don't want to be a fluff ball (my own description) --someone who refuses to acknowledge any darkness at all --because life IS hard. And there may be people who need some understanding and compassion...which is different than a denial of their pain.

Thank you Lord for taking the blindfold off of me today.  There is no reason to live in blindness , until you really ARE blind and hopefully even then you will recall that God does not spread around darkness in our hearts.  The darkness in my  vision need not make darkness in my soul.

Are you going through some tough times?  Ask God to shine a little light in your circumstances and attitude.  It really does do wonders.

What's on this Bat's Radar?

I went to my ophthalmologist yesterday.  About a year ago I was diagnosed with glaucoma.  I wondered if maybe he made a mistake.  I felt fine. I mean I've suffered with double vision for a while now and without my glasses I'm blind as  a bat (but I still go without them around the house).  But when I finally decided (a year later) to follow my optometrist's  insistence that I go to an eye specialist, the doctor examined me and finally told me, "your eye pressures are so high that I cannot let you leave the office.  We have to do laser surgery today."  So that day he cut  channels with a laser into my eyes to relieve the pressure.  But he assured me that he thought my vision could be saved....at least for quite a while.

So I have notice more and more that I'm getting tunnel vision...and went yesterday for another field vision exam.  I saw the pictures that were the result.  It was clear that my vision is reduced to a small area in the center of my eye.  The doctor told me that my center vision was pretty good and he thought if I continue taking the drops and we keep the  eye pressure down, my central vision could be saved...for a while. 

I thought of the conversation I had with one of the bus drivers who took me to a doctor's appointment this past week.  He said "I've had glaucoma for 50 years.  I take my drops and get examined every couple of years and I'm fine."  So I've done that...taken my eye drops and followed up with the doctor.   Why am I NOT fine?

I don't want to be blind.  I mean no one wants to be blind.  But I find the idea terrifying.  I love to read....REALLY love it.  And  I'm an artist.  I can't go blind!!  And anyway.  I might also end up in a wheelchair.   Sounds like nursing home material to me...only. Yeah. we can't afford a nursing home.  I don't know what the options are.  But from where I'm sitting,  I don't see a whole lot of them.

I know there are schools for the blind where they teach you how to get around and read braille. Are these only for young people?  And does insurance pay for that?  Can I learn to read Braille with peripheral neuropathy and numbness in my hands? "O Lord. Please bring me home to your Kingdom before all of this transpires."  I know maybe that is escapist and cowardly....but I just feel like my cup of suffering is full: there just isn't any room for more.

This is partly why I have been working so hard at memorizing Scripture.  Bible memorization has always been important to me even as a child.  At least, if I am to be sitting in darkness,  I will be able to meditate on the Scripture I know.  Of course my short term memory is severely damaged by ECT...I've been trying to repair it by memorizing.  I feel the urgent need to learn as much as possible....but it's so hard when my mind won't hold anything for longer than a couple of minutes.

Lord, my life, my eyes, my body...all  my joints and organs are all in your hands to do with as you plan...help me to have a yielding, accepting spirit.  You made my eyes. You granted me sight for 52 years (and I thank you for that) and now it is yours to take if that is your will for me. I know that when you take something, you always give blessing back to us, pressed down, shaken together.  Help me not to allow bitterness to  take root in my spirit. I do ask for healing God.  That is not beyond you.  Regardless of the path you take me on, I love you and will continue to love  you.  I willfully yield my body and spirit to you to do as you wish, trusting that that will only mean blessing for me.Thank you for the promise of heaven and a restored /brand new body!  I can't wait but help me while I wait to bring honor to you by the way I use this body in the here and now.  Amen

An Important Letter

I got a letter today which I want to share with you.  If you are or know anyone who is a worker in the mental health field. ...Please get this letter to them and consider then purchasing my book, Treasures from Darkness, available on Amazon, Barnes and Nobel and Christian Book Distributors (CBD).

The letter is from my aunt who used to be a psych nurse for part of her employment.

Dear Cindy,
You just called me so I am starting this letter over.  It was good to hear your voice.  ... I was very impressed with your writing skill.  It isn't every writer who can use the right words to make the reader actually feel the meaning of the writing.  And I did feel it.  I actually had to read it in short periods to avoid being overcome by sadness.  Sad that anyone has to go through a lifetime of illness, let alone someone you love.

Not having experienced anything like this, I 've not been as understanding of what my patients were going through. As in the letter,  I wish I could have read this when I had psych patients.  You made me feel the fear and confusion they were expressing in their behavior.  I guess I interpreted this as aggression or "acting out."  I hope a lot of today's medical staff, currrently caring for psych patients, find your book and learn from it.

This must have been a very hard book to write.  No wonder it took 4 years!  I don't think I would be that brave to expose myself in four lifetimes! You are commended for being that courageous.  Dredging up the past is very hard for anyone, like reliving the events a second time.  It just shows how strong you really are to endure.  And to think you've kept your faith throughout is really remarkable.

Now that I know what you were dealing with.....I'll never forget the encouragement you sent me. Thank you!!

Take care and stay strong. You are much loved,
Love,
Aunt Donna.

Peaceful Weekend

WHY?  Because I'm the only one at home.  For the second weekend in a row my daughter and husband are away at a movie marathon for two nights and three days both weekends. Last weekend I felt the emptiness of the house. I was very lonely.  But I found some peace with a purring furball on my lap and who shadowed my every step.  I also had a wonderful time of devotional reading, catching up on a book I was reading and had some lovely "conversation" with one of the mental health professionals that cared for me back in 1985 or 86 in CT.  She tracked me down on the internet and found my book and then left a "review " on Amazon which was more than kind....we exchanged a few comments and she really left me feeling very nice.   It was amazing to me that anyone could have seen through those horrific symptoms of the illness and found someone to admire and to remember for all these years.

This weekend I planned things to do that I could look forward to.  So yesterday I made a bracelet and a watch bracelet.  I had purchased the materials to do that on eBay and Etsy and had not found a chunk of time sufficient to take them out and mess with them.   I will make another bracelet or two today. This morning I finished knitting a cover for my Swiffer mop to replace those cheesy and expensive refills.

I also have been reading "Letters from Prison" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  It seemed to me that --given the news these days--it is important to read  the wisdom of a man imprisoned by an evil regime and who was eventually executed.  His words are so relevant to our situation....I found something that he said interesting.  He said that two things contributed to the state of affairs in Nazi Germany. One was the folly of fools and the other, the horror of evil.  He said, of the two, folly is the more dangerous.  Evil will generally be extinguished  by the "good" but folly goes unrecognized and unchecked.

That led me to question the definition of folly and of foolishness.  And what I found related to my Scripture reading lately. I've been working my way through Romans and in the  first chapter there are several references to foolishness.  And there is also the verse which I believe is in Proverbs, "The fool says in his heart, that there is no God."  I believe our situation here in America is one more of Folly than of blatant evil.  However both evil and folly are moral "wrongs" and, as such, punishable by God. Bonhoeffer commented that folly is sociologically driven.  Maybe at some point I will coalesce my findings into an article and may put it here on this blog.

Anyway, my weekend has been spent looking into that and studying.  Today I MUST address the mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen.  I can only stand to do a very few at a time due to low back pain.  I had a nice breakfast of buckwheat pancakes and now am about to do "Penuel" (my name for "quiet time"--Penuel means "the face of God" and since these are the times when I get a clearer glimpse of God I call it Penuel.).  I also filled the dishrack with clean dishes so once they dry I will tackle the remaining ones.

So that is my weekend.  I am in the house a lot.  Alone a lot.  I'm glad that I had reserved some things to occupy myself with for this long weekend.  I will be praying that my husband and daughter make it home through the snow or ice or whatever it is we are supposed to have.  May God bless your weekend.  Stay busy with things you love to do. Surround yourself with the people you love and don't forget---if weather allows you to get to a house of worship--give it a go.  In the political and societal.climate these days  we all need to hear God's word and to meet with our corporate Body.
God bless.

A Call to Prayer

Ps 32 :7 You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah.

This verse struck me on the day following the beheading of 21 Coptic Christian men….Everyone is in fear of these emissaries of Satan.  This war MUST be fought on our knees.  I pray 1) for the assassins that they may be moved by the faith and courage of their victims; that they may seek and find the Living God.  However we also need 2) that world leaders would unite and crush these “extremists” who are now at over 150,000 …the not so silent “minority.”

Psalm 143:3,4 For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
⁴ Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;My heart is appalled within me.

This verse is so appropriate to describe the various tortures employed by the ISIS extremists.  Oh Lord, grant your children peace and endurance, and wisdom and persistent faith.  May the church rise from these ashes, stronger, and more holy than ever.  May the persecution refine and purify us.  And yes, it IS “us”---every Christian has been or will be a target unless strong measures are taken to defeat Islam. These are our brothers, our sisters who are being murdered, raped, burned to death, beaten, crammed in to boxes,enslaved and beheaded.  We share the deep grief of the families left behind.  Calm them Lord.  Comfort them and assure them that their loved ones have a special place in your kingdom. Strengthen and unite your people oh God.  Raise up intercessors to rally behind those who suffer.  Send your warring angels against ISIS…DEFEAT them by your mighty hand.  Grant those who are on the run…PEACE.  May they sleep in safety for you are holding their right hand. Keep watch over them by night.  Bring them to a place of safe shelter.  Let them know that the world is praying for them.

Today is Ash Wednesday.The readings in my devotions were all about sin and repentance.  It’s not a matter of impressing God by what we can give up….It’s not that we could in any way compare our ”journey” with the road to the cross.  But we can remember it.  We can remember the day when Evil thought it prevailed. It thought it silenced the King of Glory forever….We can remember and weep for his suffering.  We can bank on his suffering by confessing our most minute and most bothersome sins. We can be filled with gratitude for the good news of the gospel.  Good news that was displayed by the evacuated tomb.  Good news that was heralded by angels and dreaded by kings.

This news—this GOSPEL (meaning “good news”) still shines brightly today and it carries a message that it is in the deepest, darkest, most desperate hours that our Lord, took on Hell and WON.  In the places of suffering and death---the cross and the grave, came LIFE bursting forth.  Lord today this world needs resurrection life. Burst forth in the darkness.  Shine the light of the Gospel boldly into every dark place where evil is conceived.

My friends.  Following the beheading of 21 Coptic Christians and the burning to death of 45 others today, I am left in deep grief.  Deep sadness.  God has moved me to fast and pray.  Will you join me?  Pray that by whatever means the Lord should choose, that ISIS will be stopped in their tracks.  Pray that the church explodes with growth.  Pray that world leaders would act in unity and wisdom and with strength.  Most of all pray that no matter what happens that The Lord of Glory would be exalted.  Thank you for joining me in this prayer vigil.  This battle is one that will only be won on our knees.

The Intimate Merton, A Review

The Intimate Merton by Thomas Merton
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

While I respect Merton as a writer and as a man of God...I was somewhat disappointed in this, his last set of journals (edited). The last entry in the book was the date of his death. While i know that he was accidentally electrocuted I sort of expected some sort of explanation at the end of the book by the editors. But no, he stepped out of the room for a moment and never came back.

The theme of this book was the constant push and pull he felt between his vocation as a world renowned writer/mystic and the call he felt in his soul to be a hermit, completely secluded from even the setting of the monastery where he was a Trappist monk. The monastery, in an effort to keep him contented built him a hermitage where he spent some contented days....but even in his "contentment" there was a constant bickering in his soul saying "is this really what I want? Wouldn't THIS be better? Is this really what God wants? Or should I pitch the whole endeavor?" He travels to meet the Delhi Lama and also goes to India. He is equally torn in spirit between Eastern mysticism and traditional Catholicism.

He was NOT a man at rest or at peace or at ease in his own soul. It was exhausting to read his constant questioning of his calling. Because of that, it was not a very pleasurable or even an enlightening book to read.

View all my reviews

Self Love=Tough Self Talk

I wrote a blog for Spark People ( a healthy living site) and in the blog  I pledged to follow a number of specific plans to live healthfully and to promote self care or self-respect....For example, because of the clumsiness of my hands due to RA/PsA I frequently spill food down my front. Consequently (and also due to the fact that my husband does my laundry and never pre-treats spots or anything like that)  my shirts often are stained....I think I am going to buy some hand towels and sew a tie -on so that I can tie it around my neck and have a sort of  an adult bib. (I would only use these  in the privacy of my own house.)  So one of my self-care measures would be to protect my clothing from stains.  Another one is to brush my teeth at LEAST twice and preferably 3x a day--this is necessary because I have Sjogrens and do not produce much saliva so my food just sits on my teeth and rots them...  

Another goal is to purchase underwear that fits and is of decent quality and to throw out all the ones that are in bad shape.  I also planned to shower daily instead of three times a week.  This goal is really only essential if I carry out the next goal which is to exercise daily.  And also I promised myself to stop the negative self-talk....I don't need to be my own chorus of haters.  And then I promised myself to stop being the Food Gestapo.  Just eat healthfully and things will fall in to place.  Not having  junk around the house works wonders also.  And then I told myself I would try to stay in bed longer and sleep later.  I'm often up for the night at 1:00 AM and even though I go to bed at 7:00, this RA-body needs more sleep than that.

And then I want to work harder at writing articles and attempting to get them published. And similarly I would like to put the graphics software on to my computer that links up with my graphics tablet and maybe start to do some drawing/painting again.  

Now all of these ideas sound laudable.  However only if you have SZ can you begin to comprehend how difficult  impossible this stuff is.  Each objective is commendable....however they are also difficult beyond estimation. I know that here too, as in my weightloss/exercise aspirations, I will only be able to expect baby steps from myself.  I simply do not have the initiative to tackle things en masse. 

Is it a matter of thinking lowly of myself?  I don't think that that is the cause of the problems.  Rather it is the consequence of them.  I  don't have the energy or motivation to shower and exercise and cook healthy meals each day.  And because of that I lecture and despise myself.  Each axiom discourages me and drains me of ambition.  And each failure starts up the tape recorder of negative self talk.  I think I need to pick ONE of the tenets each day  and carry it out and then reward myself in some (non-food) way and I need to bestow adequate accolades as well.  Anything I can make myself accomplish is one step closer to where I want to be and one step farther from where I am now.

I have been regularly keeping  up with Scripture reading and Bible memory since Jan 01,2015 and that is more important than the cleanest undies in the world!  I have also written a two part set of articles and I am currently looking for places to submit them.  I need to really read the book I have on query letters and to study up on that.  Honestly, the "writing life" in its most serious guise, scares the  you-know-what out of me.  I do not feel anywhere near as self motivated as one must be...nor do I have a zealous don't-take-no-for-an-answer attitude.  And this seems to be a prerequisite.  Marlene Bagnull submitted her manuscript to over 40 publishers and was rejected by them all!  And then came the magical acceptance letter and now, 8 books and two annual writers' conferences later, she is a well known name in writing circles.

But you  see,  I don't really feel that I have the mental or physical stamina to pursue a life of writing.  I don't even know if I have the desire for one.  I have MOUNTAINS of material....tons of articles and poetry...tons of 3x5" cards with notes from books I've read.  And I have the book that is finished and bringing in rave verbal and written reviews....And I want to climb head first into a coal mine shaft and not come out.  

Maybe I need to break it down into smaller increments.  For example: Read one page in the query/proposal instructional book per day.  (or maybe even 5 pages)...and write one day's devotion for my next book idea I'm working on per day.  And then put it away.  Put away all my other fears....Put away all the bigger goals...put away the 2014 Christian Writer's Guide (isn't anyone going to publish a 2015 edition?) and then - it won't get done in a day, but I can at least know that progress is being made; I can go to bed at night knowing that I have taken several more baby steps in the right direction. 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step--and if I cannot find the courage to take that step....I will be staying right where I am.

A Joyous Send-off Party

I had the best time yesterday.  Where was I ? At a party?  Well, almost. I was at the viewing of a man who was my choir director's (from high school at my church) husband.  He collapsed two days ago and suddenly was gone--that quickly he found himself at heaven's gates.  I'm  sure in heaven he was experiencing on a large scale what we were on a smaller scale. People flooded in....people my age bringing their children and in some cases their children's children ... I met people who were my parents' age who now are elderly.    And  I was introduced to a whole generation of "children" whom I remember in their car seats....now grown and some having kids of their own.  I embraced people whom I 'd known as a child but had only recently befriended on Facebook.

Pete, the deceased lay - looking nothing at all like he once had--overseeing the celebration on his behalf.  He watched from heaven and approved of the levity in that room.  I hope my funeral is like that--a big send off party.

What a family we have in Christ.: to meet people you haven't seen for twenty years ---and it is just like you had seen them only yesterday.  The love in that room was palpable; the joy, tangible; the  hope visible. It was the celebration of a race well run.  The celebration of a life only just now beginning.

I imagine in heaven Pete was meeting up with his parents and grandparents....with many others who had gotten there before him..maybe meeting some people who were there in heaven because of his life  That is my most fervent hope.   I hope to meet in heaven the family I have no idea about.  People who were there because of my witness or example.  How wonderful will that be?

I know that my funeral will be hard on my daughter....she does not yet have the hope I have.  But I hope when I am gone my friends will minister to her; I hope by my joyous funeral, that the reality of heaven will be manifested to her...and to my husband also,  OH DEATH WHERE IS THEY STING;  O GRAVE WHERE IS THY VICTORY??  Death is gluttonous , but it holds  no power over those of us who's names are in the Lamb's Book of Life.  For us death is merely a step into the next glorious reality.

Thank you Pete for modeling to us with your life the reality of heaven and showing us what a man can be like when Jesus rules his actions and mouth. Thanks for your jokes and quips...for your care for your family.   For your love for us, your friends and family.

I know his family will miss him...once the friends and family leave, that void will be there for his wife and kids....but they do not mourn as those who have no hope. They know they will be seeing their dad/husband/friend once again....and maybe not too long from now!

Great Links

I just was reading a blog by a writer whom I heard speak at the GPCWC (Greater Philadelphia Christian Writers' Conference) a few years ago.  Hope Flinchbaugh is an author and an activist for people caught in foreign countries with oppressive governments or who are caught in poverty and in the sex trafficking machine.  Her writings have moved me to prayer --there is such a huge need.  I so much wish I could actively do something.  But my best (and only) recourse is to pray.

I will give you the link to Hope's blog at the end of this post. 
One of the things Hope talked about on her blog is some of the resources she has found online which had proved useful in her walk with Jesus.  I would like to do the same here for you, with some different sites.

www.biblegateway.com  It is at this site where you can pick out a Bible reading program --and they will daily send you a reminder link which you click on and it takes you directly to "your place" in the reading program.  Last year I read the Bible in a year...Only I did that on my Kindle by downloading  the "MacAthur Daily Bible" (http://www.amazon.com/MacArthur-Daily-Bible-Through-Notes/dp/0718003578/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423036535&sr=8-1&keywords=macarthur+daily+bible ) and there, you just find the current date and click from section to section (OT, Psa. Prov. NT).  The advantages of this is that you can put the book onto your mobile device and can read it anywhere....even without an internet connection..  However for ease of use and convenience,  I would recommend BibleGateway.com ...This year I decided not to read the entire Bible straight through again. Instead I chose to read the passages from the Common Book of Prayer on Biblegateway.  This is still a nice hefty portion of Scripture but it is just arranged differently and I am really enjoying it.  It doesn't matter if you didn't start it on January  1st.  It is arranged to fit the Christian calender, so it will just take you to the current page for that day.

Also Biblegateway.com has tons of research material for your studying pleasure. There are sermons, and tons of things like concordances and topical Bibles . If you open a (free) account with them you can make and keep your own notes from your Bible study.

Another similar site is the www.blueletterbible.com  They also have many resources. BTW, both sites have NUMEROUS different versions both paraphrases and translations of Scripture and will allow you to do side by side comparisons of different versions for a single passage.

I also enjoy listening to Christian music on www.jango.com .  This site has music of almost any genre but they have almost unlimited "stations" dedicated to Christian music...whether you like hymns or hiphop. they've got it.  They also introduce new artists and  you get to give them the "thumbs up" or "thumbs down."

And if reading is your thing, there is another great site....it has books galore as well as Bible marking kits, tee shirts, Bible covers and any other Christian "paraphernalia":  www.christianbook.com  is where you will find all this and more.  Based on Hope's recommendation in her blog, I just purchased a New Living Translation Large Print Chronological Bible.  It just occurred to me that I could have maybe ordered this at Amazon as an eBook...But actually , it may be easier to use a REAL book, so that I can mark it up.  I am planning on starting that Bible in Jan 2016 since I've already committed to the other reading program.  Although, who knows, if I am reading the Bible through as a book, maybe I will just do that...read it through for pleasure.

If reading the Bible as a story appeals to you there is a great book called, "The Book of God" by Walter Wangrin (http://www.amazon.com/Book-God-Walter-Wangerin/dp/0310220211/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423037871&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=wangrin+the+book+of+God
Wangrin has told the story of Scripture as though he was writing a novel.  It is fascinating and well worth your time.

Here is C . Hope Flinchbaugh's blog link.  She has some more great recommendations.
http://liftjesuscross.com/

Case Worker Blues

It's 2:20 AM....I'm awake and want to write, but have absolutely nothing in mind to say. 
I'm still missing my old caseworker, Maureen.  I had no idea how attached I was to her,--until she left.  I'm sure her replacement is a nice lady---But I have no connection to her whatsoever.  When I see her all she does is  type into her computer...doesn't say a word to me.  I would like to ask for someone else,, but I know the only other person whom I could see is Richard, the manager of the office.  It is possible that he would agree to see me--but I'm not sure how much better he would be.  When I saw him for a while in between case workers, he wasn't interested in talking about anything "interior."  The whole situation leaves me tearful and despairing.

I need some help and I'm not getting it from any avenue.