The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

Psalm 50:9-10, 22-23

Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God,
    and keep the vows you made to the Most High.
¹⁵ Then call on me when you are in trouble,
    and I will rescue you,
    and you will give me glory.”

Repent, all of you who forget me,
    or I will tear you apart,
    and no one will help you.
²³ But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me.
    If you keep to my path,
    I will reveal to you the salvation of God.”

I know it is nowhere near Thanksgiving but guess what?  We are to be thankful for EVERYTHING on EVERY DAY.  We no longer offer blood sacrifices  but God still expects one sacrifice from us.  

The above verses struck me this morning in my time with the Lord.  God talks about all the sacrifices Israel had made and God tells them he really does not need the blood of bulls. He says "If I were hungry, I would not tell you....because I own the cattle on  a thousand hills.  He is only pleased by sacrifice if it is accompanied by the right heart and mindset.  Elsewhere in Scripture it talks about the fruit of the lips being a pleasing sacrifice.  Jesus told the Pharisees that it is not what goes INTO a man that makes him unclean...but rather what comes OUT of his mouth.  

Thankfulness....a grateful heart is a welcomed sacrifice to our God.  Remember in the desert when Israel whined and moaned about being sick of manna and wanting meat?  God said in effect: "Meat? you want meat? I will make you choke on meat....Meat will come out your nostrils."  Why was God so hard on the Israelites?  It was because he had already made provision for them.  The manna was all they really needed....but instead of having a  grateful heart, Israel complained and because of that, their obligatory sacrifices were rejected and brought God no pleasure.

Look at the bold, italic phrases above.  Do you want to truly honor God??  Then look for things to than him for.  I'm sure you have heard of the book  by Ann Voskamp called 1000 Gifts, How to Love your Life Right Where you are.  

If you've read it, maybe read it again.  If  you haven't read it , it is well worth your time.  And maybe look up  gratitude and thanksgiving in a concordance or topical Bible and do a study on what God expects from us : his people.

Another Day--Another Symptom

What if every time you went to pray and closed your eyes, you saw something definitely unrelated to your current line of thought? What if when you  read your Bible instead of seeing the words therein, you heard someone pleading for help...or arguing...or just merely signing their mortgage?What if you saw images along with those words so that  you had  a sense of being transported to some other place and time?   Would  you think you were losing your mind? Or do you think that you have some glimpses into a different dimension? Maybe your life's calling is to save those whom you see are suffering there...or perhaps you are being pursued either by people in these images or by someone in your own dimension and some how your safety is in the other dimension.

I know these musings will disturb people and they will be worried about my sanity.  I know, logically that these are  most likely hallucinations and the idea that I need to save them is a delusion.  I KNOW that but I'm having a very hard time believing it...The images are so REAL and when I was in the hospital because of this very thing, back then they were simple flashes of scenes...Now they are mini dramas and they have sound now as well.
Do I need to be in the hospital? Is my safety somehow in jeopardy? I don't know.  I have a great sense of unease. My old psychiatrist expressed concern that one day I would get "stuck" inside one of these alternate realities....and not be able to find my way back. Now THAT is a scary thought!

Will these things pass if I ignore them?  Do I even have room in my dosage of medication, to bump it up another notch? will that even help?  I feel the need to talk to someone about it, but I know that, to do that, I will put into motion wheels that may just run me down flat.  I know my husband would want to handle it at home and merely give me extra meds.  But I have a new pDoc now and she may see differently.

To top it all off: my pain today is off the charts.  my hands feel like someone took  a sledgehammer to them.

So if I click the "Publish" button and quietly put this post out there....will it cause big waves that will knock me flat? Or will it go unnoticed?  Why do I feel the need to put it "out there"? Is it a cry for help?  Or is it to release a building pressure....somehow just by writing the words and having them read, maybe that will be enough to put the scale weights back into kilter and have everything balance once again.

I have to try that.  It's the only avenue for possible hope without the complete ,,,,ok...I can't even get through a sentence here without being"transported"....So ready? Here goes nothing...

Let all the Earth Keep Silent....

I want to make an addendum too the post i just put up this afternoon.  So often we think that the louder our worship, the more "present' is the Holy Spirit.  But i have been in some rockin' and rollin', hand-waving, tambourine banging worship services where I do believe that the Holy Spirit felt as uncomfortable and out of place as I did.  Throughout Scripture, when men are confronted by the manifest presence of God, what is their response?  Either one or both of the following,, "clap hand over mouth and mourn his audacity" (Job) or to fall on one's face and mourn the sinful state of his and every other person's mouth (Isaiah)....or to take off ones shoes (Moses)  ....to be in silent awe---anyone elses, most of these people fall on their faces before the glory of the Lord.

Nowhere do I see a worshiper shake a tambourine in God's face and yell, "Hallelujah!"..( NOTE: I'm wrong here.Both Miriam and David went to it with tambourines.)..When I  was a child in a strait laced Norwegian denomination, the choir sang the following song at the beginning of the service. It went like this "The Lord is in his holy temple, the Lord is in his  holy temple. Let all the earth keep silent, keep silent before him"....the song was sung almost in a whisper.  Wiggling children hushed.  Hearts were stilled and worship had begun.

I was just reading an article by Drew Dyek and he quoted the last verse of a hymn by Isaac Watts.  It goes like this " God is in heaven, and man below; /be short our tunes, our words be few; /A solemn reverence checks our songs, /And praise sits silent on our tongues." (In Touch Magazine, Nov. 2014 p. 10)

I used to thrive on silent prayer.  Now, it doesn't take long before i feel the need to check my email.  or at the very latest, Facebook how awesome it is that God is meeting with me.  That's embarrassing to admit but I suspect many of you can relate.  I would suggest you get A Ceremony of Discipline by Richard Foster and look up the chapter on the discipline of silence.  The people of the Catholic faith--the ones who live in  communities anyway, have a head start on us in this regard.  They have hours set aside solely for  silence contemplation or prayer.

Anything that is this difficult is a sure fire flag for a need: for attentiveness to this discipline.  I wish I could go on retreat....it seems like there it would be easy. My family definitely would  not comprehend.

I want to worship in such a way that God is magnified and I am humbled.  It's so hard....People depend on me but I feel like saying 'REALLY? What is the most  important thing here?"  Ultimately the desire is to maintain a quiet heart....one that worships constantly and offers God the fruit of my lips.

Listening Prayer

I am learning....at age 52, what it means to put on Jesus Christ; to live and walk in the Spirit.  It all boils down to practicing the presence and keeping a listening heart for the voice of God.  For so many years I was on cruise control, just acting based on my emotions and desires...not listening for direction from the  King.  If someone accused me (wrongly of course) my response was to deny everything they said and then to turn around and attack them. I do not know if this was a  life-long habit or whether it is something that began to happen around 2007 when I entered a period of three years during which I was psychotic most of the time.  I do know that rage was a big problem for me back then and it is something that I have not been intentional about overcoming.--until now.

I read a book on Listening Prayer by a lady named Leane Payne who also wrote many other books.  These two disciplines (practiciing the preesence and listening prayer ) have brought me a large portion of the way to where I want to go.....However I have to say that it is my current studies and memorization on the topic of the fear of God and my reading the Scriptures following the paths of the Common Book of Prayer, that have really driven this home for me.

Galatians 5 and Ephesians 6 are well known passages....and they were to me too...however today and yesterday as I read them (in the setting of other Scriptures as well) it became clear to me how intentional we are  to be in living out our lives--especially  our spiritual lives.  We cannot cruise along without bothering  to put gas in the car, mark out a map (or program our Garmin), and without having an ultimate destination in mind. 

 Not only that but we must know that there will be enemies along the way determined to undermine us and cause us to react in the flesh so we must make sure we are armed and prepared to face them.  And most of all, we must realize we are not alone on this road trip.  The Spirit of the Living God accompanies us and strengthens us and most of all , grants us wisdom --in our speech, in guiding our prayers, in our attitudes towards others in our lives.  We need to be actively listening: to the underlying messages from friends and family (what are they really saying? What do they need to hear from us?) and to the Spirit of God who knows much more than we ever will the answers to all of those questions. Are we listening to him actively?  If we do, he will guide.  He will speak.

Do you ever think about what it means to fear God and to ask your self whether you are living life in the fear of God?  I challenge you, do a word study on the fear of God and memorize the verses you find.  Test yourself by them.

All of these things I'm urging you to do are LIFE CHANGING....sanctification doesn't just happen: we must move along with the currents of holiness and participate with the work of God on our behalf...This will revolutionize your character and your relationships. It will grow humility in you and this will draw people toward you who may have in the past wanted nothing to do with  you.  Arrogance is not attractive.  Neither is the denial of any fault of our own.

Spend some time with the Godhead.  Buy a binder and begin to listen to God and take notes on what he tells you.  But beware, this can be dangerous to do if you are not well grounded in God's Word.  God will never contradict himself...but if you don't know what the Bible says, how will you know?

We have all eternity to get to know God....but we only have this life to get to know ourselves and to align ourselves with God's desires for us in this life.   It's easy to feel holy...until God removes the scales from our eyes and we see ourselves in true light.  I challenge you to take this seriously.  It is life changing.

The Pretext of Darkness

The Pretext of Darknesss

Under my solitary lamp

A poem pulls at the periphery of thought,

Begging to be birthed.

I own the night—or am I the owned?

I am wearied by obligatory tasks;

The ‘I shoulds’ of a silent night.

Perhaps I should greet silence

With Silence.

Or converse with the unseen Divine.

The night owns me.

The Ruler of the Night trumps the uninvited Pretender

Who claims rights as well.

My mind is a stranger to poetry,

Having left it in some furrow along my path

Does it spring up? Like the Sower’s seed?

“Take care, friend, that the seed you sow

Is not met by tangles of human frailty,

Dark imaginings,

Or pain. 

Take care that the mockery or censure of spirits

Does not snatch the seed as it falls, like hungry ravens

Quoting ‘nevermore.’

Wait, rather, for the soft whisper

The familiar ineffable, wholly “Other”

Who waits quietly

To have His say; To stake his claim

To the darkness of this ceaseless night.

When you are owned by the Light

Dark paths matter not….

When the traveler of the spheres

Holds one’s hand, Darkness flees

Though the night be prolonged.

So, hope yet in the dawn,

And permit the poem to be spawned.

Here in the small circle of lamplight

A chronicle of Life in the pretext of Death.

Cynthia Lott Vogel

1-20-15

All Rights Reserved

The Other Side of Aloneness

I just read a quote by Henri Nouwen that really profoundly struck me.  Here it is:
Finding Solitude
All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

These morning hours between 2:00 - 6:00 are lonely.  Or are they only alonely?(lol)  If I spend them communing with the solitary Lord, then they are redeemed and I am protected from the dangers of being lonely.  I remember years and years of being plagued by profound depression, psychosis and insomnia.  In those times I would often resort to self harm because I felt that not another person cared for me.  I felt isolated by the junk in my head, by the lies that the Voices in my head told me and I felt worthless and hopeless.  Back then God and I were not on speaking terms so I did not feel welcome to go to him for help, nor did I believe that if he did  exist, that he would be so kind as to heal me or even to give me some relief.

Now alone-ness often turns into solitude., times of prayer....but sometimes, like tonight I am restless and I know I need to pray;  just to call on him because he's right here waiting for the turn in my thoughts toward him, waiting for the whisper, "Help me!"

My room is inhabited by dark beings...I see dark shadows scurry across my floor and go under the bed or into the closet where they can hide and from whence they can make their dark attack in one of my unguarded moments.  I am not imagining this.. I just saw it and I know I'm vulnerable.  My time with God has been precious in  the morning...why do I not do my Quiet Time (Penuel)  now or even earlier?  I do not feel alert enough....But I could spend the time in prayer. What's that song "Sendin' out an SOS"  I had wanted to write an uplifting, challenging post and this one is rapidly going downhill.

So friends it's time for me to check on my sick daughter and then to find the Lord and to listen to him instead of to these Voices.

Now that I'm done Puking....

I just am getting over a bad stomach virus.  I will spare you all the disgusting details.  Suffice it to say that I'm glad it's over. Now my daughter has vomited at 2:00 AM---and today was supposed to be her first day back to work in over two weeks because she had the flu and two other subsequent infections....I feel awful.  I'm praying that the vomiting was from her  new antibiotic and not from this bug I had.  On the bright side: I lost 5 lbs in three days.

I have really been having a good time with the Lord during my devotional and study times in his Word.  I've been reading portions of Scripture in  accordance with the "Common Book of Prayer."--As I mentioned to you, BibleGateway.com will send you reminders to do your reading of the day and you just click on the link in the email and it will take you to your particular spot in your program of choice.  Whether you want to read the Bible in a year (as I did last year) or you just want to read the New Testament in a year....they have many options to choose from.  I've also been memorizing a verse a week on the topic of fearing God.

However in the past days, when I've been half dead with this virus, I let all of that slide.  I couldn't even type my own name let alone study and memorize.  My goal for today (other than a badly needed shower) is to pick up where I left off in my times of Penuel (Penuel means in Hebrew, "The Face of God." For many years that is what I have called  my Quiet Time, because it is there that  God has revealed his face to me).  I did consider going to church but I think just taking the shower will exhaust me today, plus it looks like my daughter may need some support here.

Now that I've decided to go back to Penuel I'm excited.  Does your Quiet Time excite you?  Do you even  HAVE a Quiet Time?  I challenge you this New Year to begin one.  Where ever you are in your relationship with God--you will find great benefit in reading his Word.  If  you don't have a relationship with God, don't be surprised if you try to read  it....and it makes no sense to you.  The Bible was Spirit inspired and is "spiritually discerned"-- in other words: you need God 's Spirit to inhabit you in order for him to open your spiritual eyes so that then, you can read and comprehend.  If you would like for that to happen and you don't know how to go about it...look at the "Contact" page of this blog and get in touch with me....I would be thrilled to talk to you.

Well, go in peace readers.  Stay tuned for a review of my book by Bill MacPhee - the editor of SZ Magazine and a popular video blogger..  As soon as his next blog posts, I will inform you and give  you the URL so you can read it for yourself.

Tidbits

I'm sorry for the long gap between posts.  There honestly hasn't been much to talk about.  On Tuesday my dad took me to see a movie which I highly recommend. "Unbroken"--I'd read the book by Laura Hillenbrand and been fascinated by this man Louis Zamperini..  Angelina Jolie directed the movie and worked closely with Zamperini who was in his nineties. Sadly Louis died before the debut of the movie....however he lived long enough to have a hand in its making.  The movie is not for children or for the really squeamish as it involves some violence in the scenes where Louis was in a Japanese POW camp in WWII.

Both the movie and the book were fascinating.  The movie stops short of the book, so FOX News has make a short movie to capture the rest of the story.  That can be found here: http://www.dennyburk.com/heres-the-video-of-the-unbroken-documentary-aired-on-fox-news-last-week/
And there is also a good interview with Mr Zamperini here::
http://www.harvest.org/media/louis-zamperini-interviews.html

It was SO nice to get out of the house for a reason other than an MD appointment!   After the movie my dad and I had dinner at a local burger joint (I had a veggie burger over salad). All in all it was a wonderful evening.

My mom was just diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis.  Hopefully they will be able to reduce the inflammation from it via steroids.  Please keep her in your prayers.  She has spent the last five years battling one illness after another.

My dad and I have gotten reservations to an event with Luis Palau and Francis Chan and the band Passion.  I'm looking forward to it...however it starts a half hour past my "bed time" and I have no idea how long it will last. I really want to go however am not sure how I will manage the pain and fatigue.  We will just have to deal with it as it comes.  Worst case we leave early..

I have been spending a lot of time daily in reading/prayer/and memorization. God has been blessing me greatly as a result. Giving me insight and heightening my intimacy with him.  I have to find a way to take those insights and convert them into reading material.  I would recommend to you a website that offers a variety of Bible reading plans and devotionals....all delivered daily to your email inbox...all you have to do is click and read.  ( www.biblegateway.com ) And if you want to sign up for an account...you can highlight and add your own notes....although I've been copying and pasting into Word documents and then putting them into a 3 ring binder and adding my comments there.

So that is what is going on here.  I will need to pull together and write some posts that give you more food for thought than these tiny morsels.  And I would greatly encourage you...Get into God's Word...even if  you just write out a verse and look at it throughout your day...maybe memorizing it...and definitely  meditating on it.  I can promise you, you will benefit by that.  There is infinite benefit to be obtained by "hiding" God's Word in your heart.

One of Those Days

Have you ever had a morning when you quickly realize that you just should have stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head?  Today has been like thatt.  First, I poured the only  remaining coffee creamer--into the bowl of sugar instead of into my coffee! Grrrr. no coffee!
Then I was really hungry so made an early breakfast....and while I was slicing the Kaiser roll,  I also sliced  my finger....ran to the bathroom for a bandaid dripping blood everywhere.  THEN, while trying to get an egg from the refrigerator, I dropped one and it broke right inside the door of the fridge.  I do have something to be thankful about....it was only the second to last egg in the carton so I was still able to make my breakfast

Yesterday was not so hot either. My daughter has been sick with the flu for about a week now.  So trying to keep her comfortable, then dealing with a rude and very nasty doctor at the Urgent Care where she had gone earlier in the week and then she broke out in  a rash from the antibiotic (she also got a  sinus infection)...So when I called him up to get a script for a new antibiotic --I had to deal with this nasty man who has no right to be caring for people because it is obvious he didn't know what "caring" meant.  So by the time my husband came home I was in NO mood to deal with anything else...so I ended up telling him to "leave me alone" when he said to me "what's your problem?" and that didn't go over well either.

In fact ....going back to bed is what I'm gonna do right now.
Sorry for the short post...I haven't written in a while and felt like I needed to let  you know I'm still around...for better or for worse.

A Worthwhile Article

Here is an article worth your attention :Becoming Minimlist.  It is a list of things to do that will enrich your life and make you  happier.  A lot of the things on the list are things that I am currently working on; reading more, being grateful, going outside, exercising, praying, giving etc.  He mentioned one idea and that is smiling. It doesn't work to plaster on a fake smile....it must go deeper than that.  How many of us though fail to experience or display the joy of the Lord?

When I was a child, I had to walk about two miles to school.(Junior high) and on my way there and back, as I passed people on the street, I would give them a big smile and say "Hi!"  It was sort of a game to me...If they smiled back it was one point.  If they said "hi" it was two points.  If they had a sour pickle face and responded with a smile or a greeting, it was double the points.   Most often the sour faced people just looked surprised...Even though it was a "game," it always left me feeling good knowing that I had brightened someone's day.  Actually I think I got more "feel good"s than the recipients of my smiles.  In fact throughout high school I made a constant effort to smile more. This gained me some attention from people who always noticed my smile

Now, maybe because of the flattening of emotions caused by schizophrenia, I find that smiling does not come easily.  But maybe with some conscious effort I can revive my smile.  Part of the problem is that I have no one to smile to....stuck here in the house for a week at a time, seeing no one but occasionally my husband and daughter...it makes finding recipients of my smile difficult.

Another thing you can do (which is related to the "smile" but not the same) is to look for things you admire in people....a shirt, someone's shoes or hair style and say "I really like  your....... It looks great on you."  Someone did that to me once. It was during a time when I was feeling fat and horrible and some twenty-something girl said to me, "I love your shirt, What a great color on you!"  And that completely made my day. I still smile thinking about it.

As far as getting out of the house,, that is hard here.  My house is on the peak of a mountain which means the trip back, from either direction, is a steep climb... My legs are way too weak for that and asthma, too, makes it impossible.  But I could go out in my yard. And do what?  Weed the flower beds and maybe plant some new ones?  Last year because of pain, I could not do it and let the flower/herb beds go to weed.  I told myself that I would not  have a garden this year....but the front will look awful without some growth.  Can I really go without it?  Every year I say "this is the last time" and every year I end up growing at least a few herbs.

The article I mentioned at the beginning of this blog also mentioned reading fiction.  I do not read much fiction anymore...and that is, perhaps, a great loss.  In my childhood I had read all of Charles Dickon's books and Les  Miserables and other classics....And I loved them.  My father has been reading some classics that he got from the Guttenberg Project website....all for free for his Kindle.  I enjoy now reading memoirs and biographies. I have a lot of books on my Kindle waiting to be read. I really should not buy any more until I've read a great deal more of the books there.  I also should spend less time dawdling around on the net and  instead work on reading more books.

I do not want to give away all the suggestions made by the author of the article I read.  It is worth your while to go to that website and read it for yourself.  If you have not already settled on your goals for this year, perhaps you can build some based on this man's ideas.