Sunday, November 30, 2014

A New Day


The following short story was one that I wrote two years ago.  It is a story born of my own misery. The misery of recalling past holidays in institutions as well as the sadness that comes from living in a very small family that doesn't much care about traditional celebrations.  I'm sorry that I'm a bit late in posting it.  
Thanksgiving by Norman Rockwell

A New Day
Voices filled the entranceway.  The bustle of coats and gloves being stuffed into  the hall closet. Offerings of pies, wine, exchanged hands and seats plopped into with red-cheeked abandon.  Discussions of the frosty cold the nipped noses and fingers competed with questions about the score of the football game muttering from the momentarily neglected TV in the corner.  Men seated in  long legged sprawls, accepting cups of eggnog from hostess hands.
"Gosh it's great to see you!"  Mother and father 's eyes hungrily drank the image of the married-and-gone daughter...The husband who stole her away had his shoulder clapped by paternal hands and cheek kissed from shy mother lips.
"How were the roads?"

News of new snowfall breaking on the holiday scene made her glad to be in a warm house smelling invitingly of turkey and gravy.  She watched the scene  participated when expected to, assisted in  hanging coats and handing out drinks.  The lull of conversation gave rise to thankful prayers.  She was home.

Former Thanksgivings illicited thoughts of industrialized turkey and congealed gravy oozing over the scoop of instant mashed potatoes...served on cardboard trays, of lonely eating...watching visitors arrive for the other inmates, eyes hungrily searching arriving faces....but finding none familiar, no one to visit her.  She pushed aside the cold tray of food that tried but miserably failed to convey holiday cheer....and  stocking feet padded her way back to her room.  She laid down in the bed and stared at the ceiling and prayed for the day to be over.

A far cry from this year.  This year of family noises and shotgun bursts of laughter.  Where were they all in those former years?  The years when she was alone.  Better not to go there.  Better just to be here...sucking in the holiday happiness of family and food.

As she re-entered  the crowded  room someone spoke in her direction. There was a pause...a question mark hung in the ceiling and all eyes were fixed on her. She hurriedly replayed in her mind the question so she might answer it.  "How is work?"  "Any prospects of dating?" 
She sighed a "fine" and then glared the second question away.  Her sister laughed at her discomfiture and ruffled her red hair.  Annoyed, she attempted to fix her hair, oblivious of the Buckwheat cowlick that stood up in the back.   Attempting to change the subject she nodded toward her sister's expansive middle and asked, "Are you ready?  Are you excited?"prompting the production and display of the latest sonogram picture.   Talk shifted safely to nursery colors and baby names.

Sighing she stood and made her way to the kitchen where mom, wiping her perspiring face, stood after closing the oven door where she'd been basting the turkey.  
"Hi honey...is everyone happy?  Anyone need a fresh drink?"
She answered in the negative and said, trying and failing to keep the jealousy from her voice. "No, they are all choosing Jess's baby's name."
Her mom patted her shoulder.  "Green eyes don't become you.  Don't worry honey. Your time is coming.  Enjoy your freedom while you have it."
"Well, it will be hard getting pregnant if I can' t get a man to look at me."
"Men do look at you, but they just can't work their way around your growl."
"Oh mom."
"Well, why don' t you take this plate of hors d'oeuvres out and pass them around.  The men will be getting hungry and coming in here to find something to eat at any moment."

She took the tray and raised it over  her head as she navigated the corner, narrowly missing collision with her brother in law.  "THAT's what I was looking for!" said he as he snatched the tray from her hands and turned with it for the living room, brushing a kiss on her nose as he said "Hi sis!"
She followed him and sat on an ottoman while she listened to the conversation rise and swell around her.  It was like listening to the waves of the ocean, she thought.  All she needed was sunscreen.  A hastening in the broadcaster's voice brought a tense silence the room; men's fists clenched.  As the quarterback leapt over the goal line the room erupted into an all male cheer, "YEAH!!!"  Fortunately for family harmony; they all were rooting for the same team and that team had just ascended into the lead. As the men discussed the sheer elegance of the play, she leaned back against a wall, her thoughts drifting to another room....a room where the TV was smaller and was bracketed up into the corner near the ceiling.  A room where two men cheered a touchdown and where maybe twenty others sat silently staring into inner space; a few shuffled around the room asking each person they met for a cigarette, and stopped to dig through an ashtray for a butt that may yet have another drag left on it.  

A jangle of keys so stunned her that for a second she believed she'd traveled back to a moment when a staff member approached, their belted keys clinking.  But instead it was her brother entering the room tossing his handful of keys onto the desk.  All eyes turned to his form and welcomes were called out.  Her little sister rose awkwardly and lurched her way over to Ned, to stand on her tippy toes and perch a kiss on his nose.  Ned hugged her and patted her belly smiling.  Then his eyes lifted and searched coming to land on her face.  He grinned widely and walked, leg weaving and absconding with a cheese topped cracker on his way over to her.  

"Hey little sis.  It's good to see you here.  Nice to know where you are and that you're safe." 
She flushed and then met his eyes with a tremulous smile.  "Good to be here" she said.

Just then the long awaited call came from the kitchen, "Turkey's ready, are you???"
There was a moment of confusion as legs untangled and found the floor and the mob made their way to the burdened table where enough food awaited to feed twice as many people.  There were groans of appreciation and people claimed the seats pointed out to them by mom, the conductor of the show.
She was pointed to a seat between Ned and her father.  Her mom knew her so well.  Even in the seating choice had protected her from barbs and unwelcome questions that the other guests may have had in store.  Ned was as comfortable as bedroom slippers.  He squeezed her hand as they joined hands to say Grace.  As her  father sonorously listed the things they had to be grateful for, she whispered a soft prayer to God, thanking him for her family.  For a home.  For a table with food.  There were times in her life where those things had been absent....and she would never again take them for granted.   

Thoughts came to her of a bridge.  A bridge under which she would huddle for shelter from the wind and rain.  A bridge where once she had climbed to the pinnacle, considered the tatters of her life and leapt.  Plunging into the depths below, she was knocked unconscious by the impact.  She'd opened her eyes and found herself being strapped onto an ambulance gurney...her destination being a one way ticket back to the hospital from which she'd escaped months earlier.  

Now, pulling her thoughts from that moment with difficulty she realized that the "amen" had sounded long seconds ago and that her sweaty palms were still clenching the hands of her father and Ned. 
"Oooh.  Sorry. I got carried away."  Someone said, "To where?" but was shushed by her mom  who proceeded to pass around the tureen of mashed potatoes followed by the giblet gravy. 
"Now " mom said "I don't want to hear another sound aside from chewing and requests for more!"
They all laughed at the thought of a silent meal and the happy banter began as the turkey disappeared one leg at a time.


Cynthia Lott Vogel
11/21/12
Word ct.: 1332  

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Enter His Gates



Enter His gates with thanksgiving And His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him, bless His name. For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting .
And His faithfulness to all generations.
Psalm 100:4-5
This verse struck me.  Today is the Lord's Day and I will celebrate by going to church.  In church we always enter His gates and His courts with worship and praise.  We thank Him in prayer.  But do I do that in private?  Years ago, before I got married, I sang....sang as I cleaned the house or washed the dishes.  But my husband stopped that habit of mine.  He told me to be quiet every time I so much as hummed.  I sorely regret this loss.  Now it feels strange and beyond my reach to sing at home.  Sometimes, when my dad takes me to the doctor I bring my iPod and we sing together in the car.  That is the sweetest thing in the world to me.  My family used to go for rides as a form of entertainment, back when gas was inexpensive.  And we always sang in the car....all four of us....Dad, bass, mom, alto, my brother tenor, and me soprano.  The thought of those times makes me want to cry.  The song has died on my lips...the lyrics faded from memory.  Thank you very much honey.

But what about now? Can I sing?  I honestly don't know if I am even able to sing anymore.  Asthma and asthma medications have wreaked havoc with my voice. I know this from singing in church.

Are there other ways to approach with thanksgiving and praise and to bless His Name?  I could do it verbally.   I could write Him a psalm or a poem.  And when I speak to other people, His praise and m y thanksgiving should be on my lips.  And I wonder....is just repeating "Thank you Jesus" or "Praise you Jesus" sufficient?  It certainly is not creative ....It doesn't require much of me or of anyone else.    It comes dangerously close to "vain repetitions."  But often in those times of verbal praise I find myself at a loss.  I feel like an idiot just repeating those phrases.  I need to put my brain in gear and find other, more sincere, ways to thank and bless Him.

Here is my Sunday morning canticle of praise as I draw close.

Sweet Jesus, your birthday is approaching....the time when the Father sent  us the best gift...You.
Thank you for all the prayers I have seen answered of late.  Please hear my requests and new needs and answer them with the abundant mercy that you have shown in the past.  Father, help me to find worthiness in your eyes...You alone are worthy in your own merit.  As for me, I need the blood of Jesus to make me worthy in your eyes.  Thank you Jesus for that covering...please cover my sins with that same blood. Please bring my sins to my mind that I may confess them and stand  before you cleansed inside and  out.  
Thank you Jesus for my faith family with whom I will worship later today.  Cleanse us as a congregation. Pour out on us today a knowledge of  our sins and contrition for them. Cleanse us completely of gossip, lies, greed and gluttony, avarice and covetousness.  Purify us from sexual sin and infidelity.  In this season before Christmas, help us not to be consumed with the gifts...rather may we take joy in thinking about what fate you have saved us from.  Help us to add to our heavenly treasure and take great delight in doing so.
Thank you for this country which still allows us to gather and worship.  Help us to stand in the gap of your walls and guard them with prayer and civic duty.  Forgive us as a nation.  Pour out your Spirit on this land as you have promised to do in the latter days.  Help us to guard and cherish our freedom.
Thank you for those who founded this land based on your Word.  Forgive us, God, for the filth we speak and watch.  Thank you that in you there is remission of sin.
God you are big and we are so small.  Thank you for loving these specks of humanity.
God you are gracious and forgiving.....Thank you for saving us when we deserve eternal death.
God you meet our needs....you even come to our aid with little tiny needs that you gladly meet.  
God I bless your Holy name.  Help me to keep it holy. May it never cross my lips unless it is in reference to you...not a curse...and please forgive me for the times when I have fallen in that regard.  Help us all to cherish your Name and to keep it holy and set apart. 
Help me this day, YOUR day, to hear your voice and to ponder what you say in my heart.  
Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Battle to Believe



I was reading an online devotional this morning and this phrase caught my attention, "The battle to believe,"
I remember as a teenager talking to a man who was friends with our family.  A man who called  himself a Christian...but was having major doubts.  He said to me  "Do you  really think, if it rained forty days that the water would cover Mt Everest?"  He simply could not believe that.  (and btw, I think that in the antediluvian days there were not any high mountains.  I believe that the trauma of the flood and plates shifting on the earth as a result, caused the high mountains to be formed as well as volcanic activity.   We saw recently in the Philippines that one major storm created rivers in the streets, covered the shacks people called home and washed people away just as must have happened in Noah's day.  But back then, as a teen, I did not have any explanations.  I simply believed.  I believed it was true because God said it was true.  Belief for a child is easy....

But what about when you watch your best friend die?  Or your child?  Or you suffer crippling pain?  Is it so easy to believe then?  When Job lost family and belongings and riches....he refused to stop trusting God. ("Though he slay me, yet will I trust him")  But he DID question God.  He questioned God so much that God came to him in a whirlwind and asked him some tough questions.  He asked Job questions about Creation and Nature...things that Job could not answer.  And God showed him that just as in  Nature there are mysteries, so God's dealings with us are sometimes inscrutable.  And truly "it is not for us to reason why".  Some answers belong to God alone and we DO need to call on the faith of our inner child.  That unquestioning, "You said it, so I will believe it" faith.

Some people have more trouble believing without question than others do.  I have a friend who is a physicist and although the wonders of science have shown clearly the evidence of a Supreme hand governing all things and creating inexplicable wonders....just as his background affirms God, it also causes him to question.  Scientists do not easily believe without question.   But that does  not mean that God does not have an answer that he does not choose to reveal to us now.  It just means that  God's answers are too big for our minds to comprehend, regardless of how high our IQ''s are.

I have many illnesses...most of them are caused by a wacky immune system.  These diseases have robbed me of a normal life.  They keep me up  night after night in terrible pain.  And yet, even now,  I do not question God's reasons. I just trust that he has one and someday from the vantage point of eternity, I will see clearly what he was "thinking of" when he wrote my medical chart.  And it will be a wonderful reason---one so good that I will be moved to gratitude for the privilege of having lived these illnesses.  But until then....I walk one aching step at a time,....waiting for the completion of all things when these questions will all be answered.

Monday, November 17, 2014

How God Cured my Anxiety

"Let us make war, not with other people, but with our own unbelief. It is the root of anxiety, which, in turn, is the root of so many other sins." Pastor John Piper

Micky....a shining example of God's Grace in old age
 I have been exercising and eating healthfully for several weeks now...(with the exception of the fried fish I accidentally ordered at Perkins yesterday..)  And as I strive to make this weak, painful, overweight body strong and healthy and thin, I find myself asking the question, " do I really want to live longer?"  Partly the answer to that question depends on how healthy I am able to get.  If  I am still in terrible pain and facing joints which become deformed and unable to move properly without horrible pain....then no.  I really do not wish to reach a "ripe old age."  If I am still trapped in a loveless marriage for another 25 years....what then?  Same answer.

When I look into my future I can become quite anxious.  Years ago I fought against horrific attacks of anxiety which usually occurred just as I got into bed for the night.  Visions of disasters --financial, medical and catastrophic would float through my head and I responded with terror.  I read everything I could find on anxiety and fear and had a whole file of articles and booklets on the topic.  Yet nothing I read helped me to overcome it.

Finally one day the Spirit of the Lord put it into my mind to make a list of all the miraculous things God had done in my life up to that point.  The list was impressive..  I was shocked to see how active God had been in his provision and protection of me--meeting needs and keeping me safe.   I decided that when ever those fears came, I would re-read that notebook..  And I would remind myself that God never changes.  If he could deal with the needs in my past; then he can deal with the needs in my future.  And I've found in all these years that what God does not keep me from, he brings me through.

In the time since I've conquered those fears with the help of God....I've been through 2 hurricanes and flooded basements, a medical diagnosis that led to crippling pain and lack of function of many of my joints.  I was to have almost died from major infections.  I narrowly escaped being institutionalized in a horrible psychiatric institution for the remainder of my life.  We have had major financial needs....and always , always. God has been faithful.

So my fears of growing old and more disabled and more isolated and despised by my husband? What of those?  Here is a verse I've found that has comforted me incredibly.

 “Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save” (Isaiah 46:4). 

The promises in this verse are powerful.  Whether I am healthy or crippled; whether my marriage recovers or remains a hell....whether the house falls down around our ears or whether God provides the funds to care for it.....God is here.  He is faithful. and he has promised to care for my needs.

So why am I exercising and eating well?  Because it is my responsibility to do so,  God can bring me home to be with him at any time...healthy or weak.  I cannot sway that predetermined time when my life on this earth is over.  And that is  a comfort to me.  I would hate to get so healthy that I was to live on to an old age fraught with horrible difficulty if that was not God's plan.  And I needn't worry about that because it is impossible for e to do that.  God has the final word.  And  until that time, he will meet my needs and provide strength for the day.

22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  Lamentations 2:22,23

Saturday, November 15, 2014

When the Future is Frightening---Walking in the Valley

"I know who holds my future, and I know he holds my hand"....Remember that song?  Back in the 1970's it was popular, but that line is one that I have "pondered in (my) heart" many times since.  My future is rather bleak with an illness that is destroying all my joints and constant back pain from a degenerative spine as well as the damage caused by psoriatic spondylitis.  Walking is getting more and more painful.  Assisted living  is not an option due to lack of finances.  I also face possible widowhood because of my husband's cardiac issues.           

But I know Who holds my future....and I know He holds my hand.   We were not promised comfort in this life.  In fact we are told that we would struggle and that people would hate us.  People on the other side of the globe have had to leave their homes and belongings and flee, often with just the clothes on their backs because they worship the Lord Jesus.  When I think of their suffering, I feel encouraged.   If they can keep their faith under such pressure, then certainly I can.  And if God  provides for them, then certainly, He will provide for me.

I am honored that God found me worthy to share in the sufferings of his Son.  I pray that in them, he would perfect me: that my faith would grow strong and immovable; that I would respond with sensitivity to those I encounter who suffer and struggle; that I would do everything possible to encourage the Persecuted Church;  that I would only see my blessings and that my suffering would pale next to the joy given to me by my Savior; that God would enable me to finish my second book and that it would be of great comfort to others who suffer disability and illness.

I do not mean to set myself up as some kind of martyr.  I am far from perfect and I do not yet have this suffering thing "down" yet. ...I get impatient. I struggle with self pity.  I am not patient with myself nor with others.  I think my word of the month should be "Yield"...yield my rights.  yield my worry.  yield my impatience....just simply "hand it over."  I do not have any "rights" - I am not excused from suffering.  I cannot expect anything from others and the sooner I learn that, the happier I will be.

I need to lean hard on my Partner in Suffering: Jesus the Messiah.  He can show me how it's done.  And the best thing is that I know that no matter what I go through in this life...what kind of pain or injustice....he is here.  He is holding my hand.

24 When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.

Psalm 37:24 (NASB)

26 “There is none like the God of Jeshurun,
Who rides the heavens to your help,
And through the skies in His majesty.
27 “The eternal God is a dwelling place,
And underneath are the everlasting arms;
  
Deuteronomy 33:26-28 (NASB)
 
With promises like that, where is there any room for fear or anxiety?
 

 


           
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Friday, November 14, 2014

Book Update

I get report after report of people who have gotten their hands on my book and who have been mesmerized by my story.  They say they cannot put it down.  To me that is incomprehensible.  Of course, I've lived with the book for four years so to me, some of its "magic" has palled.  But I am delighted when I hear of how it is challenging, encouraging, and educating people as they enter my world through my story.  Sometimes I wonder if I was foolish to self publish....maybe the book would have gotten more readers had I gone to a traditional publisher.   And yet, it so much seemed to be God's leading to self publish when I got a phone call one day from a friend who said that God put it on her heart to pay for me to publish my story.  So I have to just trust that this is the road God has opened for me to travel.  I do not know how it is faring on Amazon or Xulon or Barnes and Noble's sites.  I get reports here and there of people buying the book....sometimes buying two books, one for them and one to share.

This is amazing to me that God has taken my words and my story and is touching the lives of those who read it. 

I have a second book begun...it's in its infancy but I think it will be a powerful book as well.  It is a devotional written for married couples when one of the partners suffers from chronic illness.  I confess that I have not worked on it nearly enough yet.  So far it  is just a "fleshy" outline.  Maybe I should take these early morning hours when I'm waiting for the rest of the world to wake up and use them to work on that project.

Anyway.  If you have purchased "Treasures:" thank  you.  Spread the word about it, if you would.  I am praying that God would put it in the hands of those people who need to read it.  And if you live in the NE PA area, on Dec 4th at the Pike County Public Library at 6;30 PM, I am holding a book signing and reading.  Come out and join the fun!  If you already have a copy of the book, bring it with  you and I will sign it....or you may purchase it there at the signing.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Not in the Back Seat.

Esther Kruegar--before she went Home


It has been a great discouragement of mine that people always pray for my "total and complete" healing.  What if that is not God's plan?  He DID heal some herniations in my spine recently and I praise him for that.  However now, also I have a new diagnosis of Peripheral Neuropathy...a painful disease that take sensation out of my legs (and yet never the less, the pain remains).  I know God can heal me, but I believe that it is more his desire to have me walk in total dependence on him....and if pain is the means that that is to happen, then I welcome the pain!!

I've said it before, I want people to pray for me in alliance with God's plan.  I want them to pray for strength and that my faith not fail.  I want them to pray for my family. I want them to pray for my doctors.   Pray for endurance and that in my long lonely pain-filled nights, that God would be present and that I can continue to rejoice in him.

I had a friend named Esther Kruegar.  Esther suffered a lot in her life. She had numerous illnesses and eventually lost both of her legs due to circulation problems.  Esther was my hero.  She always had a smile and a word of encouragement.  However Esther sometimes questioned by God made her suffer.  She asked him what it was she had done wrong that he should keep her in pain.

One day Esther called me and with excitement told me of a sermon she'd heard that had revolutionized her prayer life.  She no longer asked God for things, she merely thanked him in advance for how he was going to meet her needs and then needs of those she prayed for.

Today I read a devotional by Open Doors--a ministry that assists the persecuted church.  It said that the church overseas does not want us to pray for them or for the persecution to stop. They want us to pray with them. They want us to pray that God's Kingdom would advance through their suffering...and they wanted to have us pray for their strength and endurance and pretty much all the things I want people to pray for me.

Pastor Samuel Lamb from Guangzhou, China, has an interesting prayer for severe situations of persecution which expresses his trust in a great God. He prays: “Lord, I rejoice in how You are going to work this out.”

And as you see in this quote, they are using Esther's method of prayer. and it is one that I am going to adopt also.....I challenge you this November to begin to pray with  thanks up front...not in the back seat.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Eating to Live, once again



Two weeks ago I began (restarted) the Eat to Live program from the book of the same name by Dr. Joel Fuhrman.  So far I have lost 13 pounds.  I have pretty much followed the letter of the law, however yesterday at the annual meeting and dinner at church, I took a fall.  My mistake was  not bringing something healthy to eat ...and  they were serving pizza and salad.  "Fine," I thought, "I will just eat the salad"....For some reason all day yesterday I suffered from toxic hunger (which is the pain in the stomach you suffer when "hungry" which in truth is pain caused by your body de-toxing....True hunger does not hurt).  I had two small breakfasts (because I'm up from 2:00 on so needed something extra.).  Unfortunately the ladies decided to serve the sheet cake before the pizza and salad!!  I was sunk.  I was so hungry I caved and had a piece.  It did not taste good but I didn't care. I just wanted something to put in my stomach.  THEN I had salad and raw veggies.

I know this was not the end of the world.  It probably won't even affect my weight.  Years ago I would have really chastised myself for that "failure"....Now however, I am just going to continue the program and not look back.  I learned something: when there is a church fellowship, bring your own food.  I did that a couple of years ago when I was losing weight.  I took a lot of flack about it from people there, but that's ok. I don't have to answer to them.

Here is a quote from Dr F.:
"Results encourage change, and results motivate.  The stricter you are, the more quickly your tastes will change" And--I might add--the quicker you will detox and lose that awful tummy hunger.

There is a very good explanation in the book about the time when our stomachs are growling etc.  It is then that the shift in your body goes from digesting the food in your stomach, to using up the fat on your body.  And that toxic hunger occurs right about then also.  So if I feed every time I feel a belly growl, my body will never have the opportunity to have its fat worked off...it will just continually digest the never ending stream of food I give it.  SO my image left over from my anorexic years of little "Pac men" munching on my fat....and that the pain I feel is them chomping on me....is not too far from wrong.  Thinking of that always got me through hungry times.  Of course I am not trying to enable anorexics....just maybe to give you an image that may be helpful.

When I did "Eat to Live" the last time, my husband did it with me.  And he quickly moved from appreciating the meals to really hating them.  It was one complaint after another, so I got discouraged and stopped cooking those meals.  THIS time, I'm doing it alone.  He knows he needs it. He knows it's the  only way he will not drop dead soon of a heart attack....and still he eats garbage. I do not understand that but I can't change it.

Anyway....cooking just to please myself has been so much easier.  Sometimes my daughter will have some of my food also.  She needs to get healthy too....and according to Dr F, genetic weaknesses and predilections to disease will never have to surface if you eat a healthy diet.  She need never experience autoimmune disease in her future.  Mentally it would do her good also.  But this, as in all cases, is up to the individual.  One thing I must say is that reading the books Eat to Live or Eating for Health,  is terribly motivating.  I do not think anyone could just do this diet without reading for themselves the evidence of its being totally based on science and nutrition, to keep them going.  I've read Eat to Live at least three times now and I will continue to read it when I need a boost of enthusiasm.

If you are Sick, Fat and Tired, I highly recommend these books.  All you need to do is follow the guidelines which are 1 lb of raw veggies, 1 lb of cooked veggies, one starch, a cup of beans and nuts and seeds and some mushrooms--each day. And the weight will melt off.   You may not be able to eat a full 2 lbs of veggies at first....but eventually you will and the odd thing is that the MORE YOU EAT; the more weight you will lose!!  There is not any need to track calories or to weigh and measure (although you may want to, to see if you are on track) and best of all, you do not have to experience hunger or limit your intake of food.

I have about 100 lbs to go.  That figure is daunting....so I do not focus on it.  I take it day by day and attempt to make each day a perfect day of following the program.  And remarkably, seemingly without effort, the weight comes off.  The doctor recommends exercise also however understands that until you lose some weight, you may not feel up to that.  So if this intrigues you, buy the book or go to : www.doctorfuhrman.com and find out more for yourself.  Read some of the testimonials.  They are incredible.


Saturday, November 8, 2014

25 Years

Nothing is sadder than a 25th Anniversary uncelebrated.  This Nov. 11th (Veteran's Day, ironically) I will have been married for a quarter of a century....and in the history of a rocky relationship, things have never been worse.

Please pray for me.  And for my husband.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Shackles


I've gotten back into my coffee habit.  Not really addicted to the caffeine as I frequently either mix in Decaf or use 100% decaf.  But I am mentally addicted.  I get up at insanely early hours, just to have my first cup of coffee.  I had purchased a one mug coffee maker so that I didn't waste a whole pot, but now I am drinking probably the equivalent of that whole pot.  I think....even though there is nothing wrong with enjoying a cup of coffee...that I am going to cut it out of my diet once again.  I went for 5 years without coffee and they were years of freedom. I was free to drink water or tea in the AM, I was free to fast for bloodwork or surgery without dealing with a headache or that miserable "I need a cup of coffee" feeling.

Jesus came to set us free.  Why take on shackles to anything??  There is a verse that describes this situation wonderfully. It is this:


All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. 
All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

I have a huge fear of addiction.  I once was addicted to a sleeping pill called Halcion.   The doctor I had at the time insisted that I take it....and I was miserably dependent on it.  It was only being completely psychotic and in a psych hospital for a month or two, when they didn't give me that med there and I was too sick to know I was withdrawing from it.  That hospital gave me my life back by taking me off of that drug.
I am now dependent on pain  meds.  Once more, it was a doctor who  convinced me of my need for this....Called it medical dependency.  That may be so....but "I will not be mastered by anything."  It is my desire, once I get hooked up with a new pain management doctor, it is my desire to get off of these meds.  I know pain will be excruciating. I will ask God for the strength to deal with that.
I was once addicted to smoking cigarettes.  Two packs a day for 13 years.  I would have killed my mother for a cigarette.  I desperately loved the baby growing in my womb....and yet I could  not stop smoking during my pregnancy.  It was only when the patch  finally came out that I was able to find my way out of that horrible addiction. 
 In case you don't know: There is a link between SZ and coffee and cigarettes.  The chemicals in those two items have an effect on the psyche of the mentally ill.  In a sense we self medicate with those two habits and they are at least 75% harder for the SZ person to give up than they are for "normal" people.  This  is  a proven fact.  And the fact that I've given up smoking and had given up coffee gave me a sense of pride.  I did what is almost impossible to do. 

And now, the coffee serpent is back and biting.  Well I'm going to bite back.
Why do I not want to be mastered by anything (aside from that Bible verse)?  I do not want there to exist anymore shackles in my life.  I do not want there to be anything that would give someone leverage to control me or make me miserable.  I want to be free.  I WILL be free.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

the Calvary Road





“For me the battle continues, although I know it is Christ who rescued me,” says Akin. “This is a constant reminder that Christ actually gave up his life for me…So my experience in that [Islamic reformatory] was just a part of the road that leads to eternity with Christ. He has told us the journey will not be easy, but we must press on, no turning back.”
  The above paragraph is from a devotional regarding the persecuted church.  This paragraph struck me.  You see for the past three days  I have had a fever and a horrid cough and congestion and am struggling to breathe.  My husband showed no sympathy or concern....on the contrary he read me the riot act.  I am not telling you this for sympathy or to make my husband look bad - He doesn't need me to do that.  I am writing it to make a point.  The following is what I wrote after I read the article quoted above.

I was feeling very sad about the maltreatment at the hands of my husband.  And then I read this.  This abuse is part of the road leading me to my eternity with Christ.  It is readying me.  Some people are put in prison and beaten.  Others have no way out of their homes where they are despised and treated badly.  Either way, it is the path of the Cross.

How often do you look at those who  have mistreated you with the eyes of Jesus?  Jesus does not overlook sin.....he forgives it.  He applies the blood from his body to it so that it is no longer recognizable....all anyone sees is the blood of Jesus.  And we too are supposed to apply the blood of Christ to our hearts and our mouths and our desires and our "need" to be handled respectfully or lovingly by those who should be doing just that.  And when they don't. ...It hurts.  And the temptation  is to yell and stomp your feet....or to speak harshly to them.  It is at these times when we must dive into the river of the Saviors' blood and let it keep us from sin.  We have to hand those who hurt us into the hands of God and if we can manage it, say, "Father forgive him for he doesn't know what he is doing.

I'm trying to choose the path of the Cross in these situations.  I want to let Jesus have his way in my life and I want him to handle my family in the way that only he can.  As Jesus, the lamb before his shearers was silent....so am I.  I bite back the hot words and desperately search for words that are neutral and will not start a fight.

I do not know what will happen with this sickness.  I do not know if it will get treated quickly or at all.  And that question is mattering to me less and less.  Jesus is here.  He can heal if that is his desire.  He will comfort.  He will provide for my needs.  He will eradicate in me the voice that cries for fair treatment.  Fair treatment is the ghost of a myth.  As long as you seek it you will stir up unrest and anger.  People lie. They will lie about you.  Again --you can do  nothing but place vindication in the hands of God.  Let Him judge ....I cannot take the job of God.....Lord knows I would screw it up big time.

One thing is needed.  And that is the Love of Christ.  It needs to be in me....It needs to be visible to my family....it needs to be surrounding every word, it must be held up against every emotion that threatens to rip us apart.  And by it, I may look at myself --covered in the Love of Jesus and ask him to SLAY in me any words or actions that are not rooted in that love.

I hear horror stories from the other side of the globe....and I could tell a few myself.  But I'm trying to forget those stories.  I do not want to hold on to yesterday''s pain or garbage.....I just want to recall how God used it....in circumstances and in my heart.  We all must go beyond the visible....beyond the palpable....beyond the hurt and immerse ourselves in the blood and innocence of the Lamb.  Then when people see us; they will see him.  And do not fall for the trap of thinking that will improve things.  Remember? The world hates Jesus and hates us too on his behalf.  Maybe by then the training we had in self restraint and being loved by Jesus will pay off.