Perchance to Sleep

I  have edited this article.  I made some ridiculous statement about my daughter not caring about my situation.....That statement was false and cruel.  My daughter does care.  As she stated to me this morning, there is really NOTHING she can do to help or to change my circumstances.  If there WAS something she could do, she certainly would.  I don't know why I wrote that--I was feeling sorry for myself and took it out on her. I feel really badly about this now and want to erase those words from everyone's memory who saw them..  Alexa.  I love you.....and I do not have a doubt that you love me too.  Please forgive me.



Today I had an MD appointment with my GP/Pulmonologist.  My Case Manager, Maureen drove me.  I told Dr D about the horrific pain in my right lower side that has wakened me for the past three nights with excruciating pain..  And I told him of the numbness and itching pain that has attacked my right thigh.  The doctor said "I really do think they are both caused by the same thing: your arthritic spine. Cynthia there is nothing more anyone can do for you.  You should go home and just rest."

That's it?  That's his prescription? Rest?
GRanted that is all I've felt like doing however I never seem to fall asleep in my room ...usually it's at church, in a meeting, in the car.....while holding a cup of coffee and being on  the computer. (YEAH...you KNOW what happens then!!)

So today I wanted to cry.  Nothing anyone can do?  Well, granted he has not met my God.  But in this case I have to sigh a little bit because despite all my prayers for aid and healing; despite all the pastor's prayers, my parents' prayers, my congregations' prayers  I have not gotten better.  It seems like --like it or not;---this is where God has me.  And it LOOKS like this is where he will keep me until he grants me the mercy of it coming to an end and me meeting him for myself and getting that glorified body.  But who am I ? I'm just a hiker on this Appalachian Trail with all it's hard climbs, frigid temps and torpid swamps.  Funny to call myself a hiker when I can barely make it from my bedroom down a short hall to the living room.  But I'll bet you anything that the energy I spend and difficulty I have in getting to the living room equals or surpasses the hardest portions of the Appalachian Trail. (My friends son is on the last leg of completing the Trail so he may want to argue that point with me later.  However, my statement stands.

Yesterday I was happy. It seemed to  me that my right hand (the worst of the two) was improving.  Less swollen, less pain and I could sorta-kinda make a fist.  However.  Today not only does the right hand hurt worse...my LEFT hand is excruciatingly painful when I try to pick  up anything...even a sheet of paper.  OH LORD will you NEVER remove the weight of your Hand on my head.  You are pressing and pressing.  This clay pot is not going to withstand the pressure.

God's Word said "He placed the lonely in families."  but on the other hand, when this lonely wench got impatient ....and placed MYSELF in a family.  Well.  Let's just say I didn't know all the secrets that God knew....and I've been living with them ever since.  So now I have my church family.  And there are some REALLY lovely women I've been delighted to slightly get to know.  And they are very wonderful and not one of them laughed when I slept through prayer meeting last Wed..  Some of them have been coming  to my house for Tea.....and it's been lovely to get to know them.

But now.   What do I do?

Rest.

If only I could rest at the prescribed times to rest!  If only I could lock my cat in the basement so she would not continually try to wake me up!  If only pain would go to sleep too!!

REST
Lord, grant me rest.  Let me have this night. Just this ONE NIGHT to be a solid block of sleep.  Please Lord Jesus.  Help me to sleep.  "I lay down and sleep in peace for the Lord God is with me"  I think that's how that Psalm goes.  If not it's a loose paraphrase.

But do I have to rest in the day time too?  Can I no longer work in my garden ....cook a meal that requires a recipe...???  Lord, if I can no longer enjoy such things....would you awaken my dormant

memory and help me to recall past pleasures?  It's terrible not being able to recall years past. (I lost many years of memories from ECT)....Help me to remember Lord. I still remember roller blading.  The wind in my hair, the speed skating arm swing....the absolute joy and freedom.  UNTIL.....after having steroid myopathy and becoming  weaker than I knew, I took a huge tumble and hurt myself ---not seriously--but enough to know that my blading days were over.  I do believe I will once again be able to blade in the Kingdom.

Anyway. I'm grateful to have that one memory anyway.
I'm off to sleep ...to dream. Perchance to sleep.

Self Doubts

I was just reading over at Twitter.  I've been told it's a great place to make some friends and to also build a platform.   I see all these clever phrases written by other women writers...women whom I know also speak.  I think if I had to speak I would start running and wouldn't stop until I met up with the shore line. I'm not a speaker. I'm also at times a lame "pray-er"...My mouth is incredibly dry from Sjogrens and add nerves to that and you would have to peel  my tongue from the roof of my mouth like you were peeling an orange.  It's SO hard to speak when your tongue has turned to glue.

And what about these clever/cute phrases.? Were they up all night coming up with it? Did they "lift it" from some written source?  Or are they endowed with nimble brains that can leap tall buildings in a single bound?  While I am befuddled in the brain fog that reminds me of the swamp fog that creeps in sometimes in swampy areas.  Yes.  That is me.  That is what my brain deals with.  I not only have a thought disorder which has symptoms like "poverty of thought"   and anxiety and terrible fear of looking stupid.  Add to that four autoimmune diseases with "Brain Fog" as a practically tangible (and unwelcome) symptom and you have a a world class tongue tied moron before you.  No I think I should stay away from Twitter. 

I heard an expression once. "It is better to be silent and have people wonder if you are a fool,  than to speak and to remove all doubt.."  Yeah.  That.

Thoughts in a changing world

I apologize for the length of time that has passed since my last post. 
I finished editing my book and then had a program error in my Microsoft Word.  I was able to fix it by saving my book under another title and then rebooting.  The problem righted itself.  Needless to say I was in quite a panic thinking I'd lost my manuscript.  I wish I knew what direction I was going to take with that  project.  Self publishing?  Or traditional?  I don't know and I have no idea in which direction it will go or when.

Are you ready for the bridegroom's arrival? Are your lamps trimmed? Do you have enough oil to keep them burning?  Are you dressed in the proper attire to attend the wedding feast?

Did you see the video of the beheading of the Christian journalist John Foster?  I shuddered when I saw the opening picture on the video...this enormous man, the executioner dressed all in black and John kneeling on the ground in front of this black-dressed devil.  I could not watch the video ....On on one hand, I wanted to.  But it made me too sick. Not sick at the grotesqueness. But sick at the blatant sin.  Sick that this is what is happening constantly to God's people.   Right now John is seated in the heavenlies and his blood calls from the ground testifying to the sin of the murderers..  Calling out to God for justice and retribution.

God will come to finally establish his kingdom....He will oust the murderers and send them to an eternity in hell.  But before that time there is more to come.  More bloodshed. More fear.  More courage.  I pray for those who suffer at the hands of the enemies.  I pray God's grace and mercy on them.  I pray that their courage and love and kindness will win the hearts of their captors.

I challenge the media to testify to the truth of what is happening in this world. To stop telling us stories of  puppies and kittens being mistreated and to start talking about the lives that are being lost...The fact that people are fleeing their homes and all of their possessions.  The fact that there is an enemy in this world.  Enemies that have committed themselves to destroy the followers of the God in Heaven..  An enemy who has dedicated themselves to destroy the lifestyle of those of us in this free country. Free for now.  But how long will it be free? It will only remain free if the people of God will stop playing church and get on their faces in prayer for our country.  "If My people will humble themselves and pray, then I will hear from heaven and heal their land" ....Heal us from what?  Materialism?  The damage done by our enemies?  The empty souls of the American people who prefer to close their eyes...not in prayer but simply because they prefer blindness than to understand the danger that confronts us as a people is we deny the God of Israel.  It is time to wake up.  It is time to weep and pray.  It is time to stand behind our brothers and sisters in the middle east and Africa as they suffer at the hands of their (OUR) enemies.

I'm sorry to go on a tirade.  But these things have been heavy on my heart.  Why does no one talk about them? Is it fear?  Fear gives the enemy power.  It is when we stand up in LOVE and say to them, "There is a God in Heaven who loves you too....but unless you humble yourself in prayer and give up your sinful ways, you will suffer for an eternity in payment for the wrongs you have perpetrated on God's people."  Ask God to grant you courage when the time comes when you shall need it.  Ask him to grant you love for your enemies.

Pray.
Praise.
Meditate
Fast
Worship

These are our weapons.  Make use of them.  Don't love God from a far off.  Draw close.  Let him whisper in your ear.  And then do as he says.

On the Other Hand

If you read my blog yesterday you will notice that I took it down today.  My opinions were not intended to be unloving.  But when I re-read it today I decided it could be misunderstood.  I am not being "politically correct"  I just don't want misunderstanding to have it's way and lead to bad feelings.  I love the Muslim people....God loves them too.  However I believe they are radically misled in their beliefs.  I know it can be hard to divide a person from their faith.....but were they to decide that Y'shua was the one true God, then  their old faith would be left behind and they would be remade.  Renewed.  I understand the risks of such an endeavor.  It could be life threatening. 

I do not wish to have a political blogpost. I'm not a political person but I do hold firm beliefs.

I've just been digging more and more into Ps. 94 and PS 103 and 104.  Promises of healing. Words to my pastor who just lost his father.....it is endless.

I'm wearing oxygen today.  It was a bad day for breathing.  I don't know why...the weather is beautiful.  I think the problem is that my asthma is on a roll...down hill like an out of control snowball.  I am prayinng not to end up in the hospital.  I know it's very possible.  This morning I considered going to my pulmonologist but I knew chances are good that he would either admit me or put me on oral steroids.  I don't want either scenario. I just lost 9 pounds....and I don't want it back.




well I'm off to dig around for dinner.
Be blessed Peeps.

A Poem regarding that which is in the Offing

Not FarAhead

CynthiaLott Vogel

All rights reserved

8- 15-14

The trees speak easy whispers

To the bite of the air as it blows in hue.

In furrowed gardens, out peek gourds and squash,

Making ready for the autumnal spread.

Pumpkins baked and their meat blended

All in readiness for that fall flavor

That makes me think of hayrides,

 Warm quilts and hot cider.

Even though it is still mid August

The chilly breeze has me lighting candles

My tomatoes hang callow on the vine…

Weather’s bite chased away blushing cheeks…

And left them feeling rather green.

This year my home décor that celebrates autumn

Will remain boxed. 

The squash soups will be purchased, not homemade.

My hallmark apple butter and fresh applesauce:

All Forgone:

Sacrificed on the altar of grim pain,

Weak and sick,

I will treasure the glimpse of Fall from my window. 

I will light my candles and in their robust autumn scents,

I will recall hayrides past and orchard visits.

The key to stall bitterness is to not “go there”…

Sweet memories you may treasure but not with

Sadness; rather with gratitude; thankfulness--

Treasure each golden, rusty leaf and the plink of acorns.                                                                                              

Watch the squirrels flurry as they gather winter’s fare.

See the woolybear fluff along and know that winter is

Not Far ahead.

Forgotten Fodder

Yesterday I attended a barbeque which consisted of all the people who used to be in my Bible Study.  I had a terrible time debating whether or not to go....I felt like I would be trapped there and would not be able to leave until the last one was out the door.  However I talked to the hostess and she promised me that all I needed to do is tell them I need to leave and they would take me home.  I sat and chatted a bit and then ate (I ate TWO chicken cutlets that were grilled and very yummy, some pasta salad and a little watermelon)  ..I felt stuffed to the gills, so much so that I turned down brownies a la mode for dessert!!

And then after I ate, I had a bit of an intestinal problem (TMI???) and really was just ready to go home.  I had pain but I think Fatigue was the bigger problem.  It turned out that the host was ready to take me home because he wanted to go to bed as he had to work early today....So it worked out perfectly.

I have gotten to be so anti-social.  I just really am at a loss for things to talk about....How can I hope to be a writer when all the "fodder" I have to work with is from memories of the days when I had a life; vicarious stories (borrowing from the lives of others around me), things I've read and material from my Bible Studies....and of course the endless stories of my medical issues.  But who wants to hear ANY of that? What also is (or should be) a source, is my imagination...(the Hobbit, Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland...)  However...my imagination is dead...killed off by psych meds and schizophrenia....Poverty of thought and poverty of speech reign supreme.  How can a writer write without words,  Without characters?  Without life experience?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

I know it has been awhile since I've written a post.  These days most of my writing time goes to working  on my manuscript, preparing it for production.  I had my manuscript previewed by the publisher's editing team and here are their comments. :

         

Manuscript’s Strengths

• Throughout the manuscript, the author uses excellent imagery. There are consistent, original descriptions used to “paint the picture” for the reader. This is unfortunately what a lot of authors do not know how to do, so it is truly a huge strength for the book as a whole.
• Structurally, the book is well organized. There are appropriate chapter designations, paragraphs, and the book flows in a chronological order.
• Though some parts of this book may be difficult for some readers to endure, it all is part of the whole, which is a powerful story that shows the sovereignty of God, even through the darkest times.

This is a solid, well written, clean book, so the basic copyedit service is recommended. This edit joins dependent clauses so sentences are clear, and will address capitalization, missing words and formatting. It will also analyze the book for errors in subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. The copyedit also corrects general inconsistencies in spelling, grammar and punctuation, and gives the manuscript the final polish it needs to become a professional publication.

They also offered me a couple of ideas on how to tighten things up...mostly in the area of punctuation (Has anyone else noticed that the "rules of punctuation" have drastically changed since, say, 35 years ago?) I really wish I could pay a professional editor, but when I inquired on the price....well....let's just say that I don't have an extra $1300 to spend.  I guess I will have to pull out some of my books on grammar and punctuation for writers and hone my skills at dotting my i's and crossing my t's and then get to work!

I have until Sept 19th to submit my manuscript if I want to have the book done by Christmas.  Keep  your eyes open and check back here to see when I will begin taking orders for the book.. It will also be available as an e-book. but for those of you who love the feel and smell of a brand new book, here's the place to get it!

As for the other issues happening today.  I was invited to a BBQ today---later this evening.  I was very happy to be invited and I would really like to go.  However I know it will involve huge amounts of pain. (someone said to me "a little discomfort is worth it to see your friends"  excuse me?  a LITTLE discomfort?)  I hate invisible illnesses.  I have about 5 of them all swinging from the same nail on the wall.  And a "little discomfort" would be very welcome by me.  Really. It  would.

I have a huge tolerance for pain.  That doesn't mean that I don't FEEL the pain....it just means I can endure great amounts of it.  All of my doctors have commented on that. Especially when they look at my MRIs  or do surgery and see the horrible shape my joints are in.  So no,  I don't moan and groan...I only sometimes cry...but yes It hurts.  It hurts a LOT.  And if I am deprived of my normal methods of dealing with pain...(namely: my recliner and my bed), then the agony becomes indescribable.  So that is why it is SO hard to decide on leaving the house.  Short trips....or church (where there is a comfy recliner for me to use) , those I can manage.  but hours away from respite? I don't know ...I know what it entails ...and I really think I will need to stay home.  Today my Pain d'jour is in my neck and my right hip/SI joint (also I have a broken toe...but that is not a big deal)  I do not look forward to a lonely evening...when all my friends are having good eats and lots of laughs ....I just have to block those thoughts out of my mind.  Forget about what others are doing. And keep my mind occupied on other things.  And BAN jealousy and self pity.  NO.  Those are the UGLIES and I will not give them room in my heart.  I will thank God....for my recliner and bed.  I will thank him - that this life is not forever.  I will praise him because soon I will have a new body without rickety joints.  And I will thank him for each friend I have and be glad that they are having a good time.

My Hope and Help

With the morning, comes the light.
Nothing has changed. The hurts are still hurting.  But I am holding out some hope that things can get better.  For my marriage to get better ---would depend on whether or not that is a priority for my husband....and honestly I cannot bet that it is. 

So how do I have hope?

Job 29:13

I helped those without hope, and they blessed me. And I caused the widows’ hearts to sing for joy.

Job 31:16

“Have I refused to help the poor, or crushed the hopes of widows?

Psalm 10:17

Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.

Psalm 33:20

We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield.

Psalm 119:147

I rise early, before the sun is up; I cry out for help and put my hope in your words.

Psalm 146:5

But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.

1 Timothy 5:5

Now a true widow, a woman who is truly alone in this world, has placed her hope in God. She prays night and day, asking God for his help.

 

These are the results when you do a search on Biblegateway for the words "Hope " and "help"....Notice the predominance of the word "widow"....she is pictured as a person who has the least help (and therefore hope) in the world.  But for those widows who  put their hope in the Lord, they will find him to be a place of help....

Those who hope in the right One, will find all the help that they need.  The prayers we pray are for help.  Our attitude is one of hope.  And the result? God answers and gives us both help and increases our hope.

What do I hope for right now?

1) an increase in faith/hope

2) a healed marriage

3) a reduction of physical pain.

4) For my book to generate a small income....enough to fill in the cracks left by my disability money.

5) That those who read my book and/or blog would find information (help). Hope, and  a friendly voice....a Light in the darkness, A Friend that will never fail, never betray, never leave....

This Friend is the One who gets me through nights like last night and wakes me in the morning with a renewed hope. and a promise of help.  He can be your friend too if you will have him.  If  you have any questions about that email me: cynthialottvogel@gmail.com

So I hope this has lifted your spirits this morning.  There is One who can help and who WANTS to help.  God bless your day.

Have Mercy on Us

It just occurred to me that tonight is Prayer Meeting.   If I really pushed myself I could get ready for it.  But I am hurting tonight.....and not all of it is physical pain.  Not having "hurt feelings" but "feeling the hurts"....I would be hardpressed to be able to point to a spot on my body and say "This spot doesn't hurt."  Friday is the big day...the day I've been waiting for.  I take my blood test results and I bring them to my rheumatologist. He has the most recent ones.  These were drawn several weeks after I was sent home from the infusion center without having had an infusion because my liver enzymes were too high.  It's an important day because on Friday he will reveal his game plan to me.  Will he give me any more biologic infusions?  Will he give me Otrexup (the injectable super charged Methotrexate injections)??  I really hope he does because, honestly, this pain has me beside myself. I don't know how much more I can take.

So that is one kind of pain.
The Other?

It's the pain of a 25 year marriage that is on its last legs.....If we had the money for a divorce we probably would have already ended it.  I don't know what to say to him.  Except maybe I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for every hurtful word.  I'm sorry for expecting too much from you----more than you were equipped to give.  I would say I'm sorry for all my years of sickness - both physical and mental.  I would say I'm sorry I'm not attractive anymore.Steroids and sickness have stolen my good looks.
I'm sorry that for better and worse in sickness and in health has been "worse" and "sickness"...I know you "owe:" me apologies as well, but right now that is not important to me....I'm sorry you've given up on us. I'm sorry for all the horrible things you think I am.  I'm sorry for disillusioning you.  I'm sorry I'm no longer well enough to cook appetizing dinners.  I'm just sorry.  I've done my best--given it all I had ....but those reserves are running low.

So tonight instead of going to church and praying for others.   I will stay here and pray for myself. My pain. My marriage.  My husband''s health and his pain.  My prayers are silent.  Even in my heart there are no words. I just hold us up to the FAther. 
"FAther, look here.  You are needed here.  We need a touch from your healing hand.  "Jesus, Son of God, Have mercy on us."