Project Underway

Well, once I got excited, it was hard for me to stop working today.   And why did I stop??? IT'S DONE.  NO, not ready for you  to purchase...that will be sometime around Christmas.  But my manuscript has been  edited and formatted by me and tomorrow will go to the publisher's editors for them to take a look and see what they think it needs.  I hope they say it 's good to go, maybe with a few tweaks. ...Because I do not have the money for professional editors.

There have been moments in this editing process where on one hand I give myself a high five and other times, a thumbs down.    There are some rough spots.   At least I think they are ....but by the time it's in your hands I'm hoping it will be smooth sailing.  I can't wait to hold a copy in my hand....and to know that I DID it.  With or without the help of editors and standard publishers....I hope that once this book is out, the literary world with have a look and maybe take my next book  on.  I have it roughly begun.  I'll fill you in more on that sometime in the future.  

I do have a bunch of poetry and some short stories but don't really know what to do with them ...I could try selling them individually....but what about a book of poems and short stories by Moi.??  Dream on.

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and get four cavities filled.  This lousy Sjogrens Disease....destroys your teeth by taking all the saliva out of your mouth.  SO I'm not looking forward to tomorrow but I'm glad he's doing them all at once.  Be blessed all of you.

Standing on the Brink

Have you ever seen cliff divers in the middle of the tropics somewhere where there is a gushing waterfall and alongside at the top of the falls is a rock outgrowth from whence men with more nerves than brains, leap down into the whirling mass of water.  Why am I talking about this?  Truth is itbecause I am about to do a dive.  I've been talking for years about finally getting my book ready to sell/print....it's been a fairy tale so long that I cannot read the small print that says "This is a true story"....Because it has become a true story.

By the grace of God and some of his people, I am now readying my manuscript to publish.  It's a massive job...and I think I should read the book backwards because there have been so many times when I read it and edited it....that the first half is in pretty good shape.....but the back maybe not so much.  I want to hand it to the publisher for the editors review in as good a shape as I can manage.  Its made a little difficult by the fact that the publisher's rules for formatting are completely different than any standard rules I've seen anywhere else.  But since they are looking for LESS formatting rather than more, it should hopefully be not too difficult.

There are some things that are in God's hands-(-Well THAT was a stupid thing to say!!!  ALL things are in God's hands.) Isn't it true that we daily walk in his grace, love, protection, kindness, justice...etc etc.  It's only when we are in jeopardy of danger of some type that we have to remind ourselves Who it is exactly is who has our back..  I have to remind myself that it's MY story that I'm telling.  And it is GOD who has empowered me to write.  And since it is so very much a "God thing"  I should rest in in complete ease and calmness of heart  that assures me that it will get done and it will work the way God wants it to work,

There were many times when I shelved this manuscript thinking, the whole thing is too impossible.  I also know that editors do not want to work with people who have mental illness, especially schizophrenia.....And it is that truth that led me to  desire self publishing.  But no kidding...that costs WAY more money than I have.  Enter God:  Enter Solution.

So folks...start saving your pennies...It will be awhile until it's done but probably faster than we all think. 

God Alone is the Keeper of my Seasons

Today I was writing an email to a friend....and I got caught up in what I was writing, forgetting it was  a letter and thinking it was a journal entry.  In the letter I bemoaned the passing of a summer that I never once got to enjoy.  Moaning over the fact that I will probably never go to the beach again.  i went three years ago with my daughter's current boyfriend (back then) and my husband. And I found, to my horror that I could not take a single step in the sand.  My ankles and feet were too weak to tackle it.  So I got a ride on one of those horrific huge blown up wheelchairs and a muscular life guard pushed me until we to to a place where it was getting too crowded to get through. So even though I could not see the water from there, I told my navigator that "this spot is fine...thank you"...

Well I won't be doing that again....but I still taste in my memory the salt on my lips.  I feel the summer sun baking me brown....and red.  I hear the gulls bickering over a shred of bread.  I hear girls giggle and see them point to some sun-browned cutie.  I smell the coconut sun screen.  I see toddlers with their diapers water logged and hanging from their bottoms.  I read my book there - (fortunately it was on a Kindle Paperwhite so I was able to read in the sun.)  Just doing that little bit exhausted me  ....I laid my head on my daughter's lap in the car on the way home. and she was praising the wonderful way the trip had made her feel.  Me too.

And it saddens me that it is "never again"....

So while I was bemoaning all of this and how this summer and last summer were lost.....both of them were spent in hospital in illness...endocarditis and psychiatric....This year , so far, I have avoided the psych hospital but it has been a narrow miss and the summer still is not over.  I may end there yet.

My dad sent me an email that quoted a devotional by Beth Moore.  And she was sharing with a friend how God had put her aside and taken away her writing....a classic writer's block . However she felt that God had placed her there just to have her for himself.  She said she was in the shadow of his wing and there, although unseen by others, she was always on his mind....as he adored her there, protected and secure.

My dad and I have been conversing about about my purpose.....or lack of one.  Here in my house, put aside by bad health ---in pain with almost every occupation stripped away from me...Yet here I am...under his wing..And I have the purpose he has revealed to me.  Actually it is two -fold.
1) To PRAY-- oddly I've had 5 premature babies to pray for...and so far, only one has been "recalled"  - the others are getting stronger every day.
I also am drawn to pray for the persecuted church....
 2) to talk to some people online. ..to give encouragement, share the words of Jesus and the truths of them , to those I encounter online.

I pray that my words here will touch some of you. Maybe you are "put aside" for a span of time...or perhaps for as long as your life shall last.  Please know.  you are sheltered and protected and cherished and adored there.

1 I wait quietly before God,
    for my victory comes from him.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will never be shaken.

5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge.  

Psalm 62 1-2, 5-8

"He Alone..."  "He Alone," "God Alone..."
The words  above were mentioned that many times.  GOD ALONE is what we need.  When WE are Alone, we should know that HE ALONE holds the answer to our needs.  When we feel Alone, HE is there ALONE with us.

And it is there in the comfort of that wing sheltering us like the original down comforter--that God will begin to show us our purpose....even if it is "just" to give Him joy.  

So before you go about whining to others about the lost seasons of your life.....sit and think that maybe...just maybe...You are what God "needs" as he shows you that He is ALL we need.  Sit and let that soak in before you go blithering all about the planet as I have tended to do.  Let people see your deep contentment coming from your feathery safety.  But first....you are invited to "pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge."  


Thank you Beth Moore. 
And thank you Dad

Whiner or Shiner?

I will make this quick because three friends are arriving at noon to visit.
This morning I had a real pity party.  My husband doesn't talk to me unless it's to criticise or blame.  My daughter is more often at her boyfriend's house than she is here.  Is that normal?  Probably but I do not get a lot of help...She would deny that angrily.  but Im just sayin.

I was chatting on my brand new computer with a friend who was concerned at the fact that I've been holed  up here in my house. For two weeks I did not have a computer as my Toshiba bit the dust.  BUT Praise God, I had the Kindle Fire so all was not lost...just all was not convenient.  Then my friend this morning told me "You have to force yourself to get out.  You will hole up there and die."  I know she's right but it hurts.  And I know I'm depressed.  I know that my bravery is in jeopardy.  And  when it goes, I will be left with not much on my side. What is that verse about God being on our side?  Well I couldn't find that one but what about this one: If God is for us, WHO can be against us?  And that "who" includes my husband.  The Lord is my husband and in his eyes I  am beautiful.  But you know what?   A whiny self pitying bride is not one any man would want.  And I don' t think I'm too attractive to God that way.  THIS way.

God brought me two phone calls from a sister who is in her 80's and who recently gave up her beloved but very old and broken down car....SHE called to cheer ME up.  And then today three ladies from church are coming at noon for a visit.  I am very happy they are coming but they will have to "excuse me while I put on my face."  Not makeup.  Not a false face...a REPROVED face.  I got a good look at myself this morning.  And the truth is that I'm holing up to die.    I'm giving up.  I am not making any effort to get myself out of an unloving harmful marriage.  I am not exercising. And I desperately need to start doing something.

I am in pain. Bad pain. Pain that changes and worsens daily .  And I have withdrawn from my life.  I have shut and locked the doors.  When people have parties and don't invite me....my feelings get hurt even if my going there would be impossible...painful for me...and inconvenient to the hosts.  I need to understand that.  Just moments ago on of the hostesses called me up and apologized for neglecting me but she has more on her plate than she can take care of and I need to understand that.  BUT (and this is the hard part for me) SHE IS STILL MY FRIEND. Even if she doesn't have a clue about what it feels like to be me.

So God saw my despair this morning and he sent me a bunch of messages from friends.  And three more friends will be here in a few moments. DO you think I can manage to put aside my whining and put on a cheerful face?  Do you think I can sing God praises at the love he's shown to me today?  I  must otherwise I will be an impossibly wet blanket and a neglector of praise. I want my home to be a cheerful place welcoming to friends.  Otherwise it will be very soon that I am neglected for real. Chin up sister Cynthia.  Put a smile on.....

The Mysterious Name

I have liked to consider myself somewhat of a prayer warrior...at least in years past.  Recently however I have struggled to pray.  I do not taste the sweetness of His presence as I have in the past.  Because He is good and he knows that I truly love him and will listen to his correction of my heart of prayer...he has continued to answer my prayers,, sometimes in astounding ways.  But the intimacy of the "prayer closet" is gone.

I have been reading a book by O. Hallesby called "Prayer" and have found it to be very helpful.  I'm reading a chapter now on the essentials of prayer and he has a section entitled "Praying in Jesus Name"  I will be honest.  I will be shockingly honest.  I have found myself eliminating that addendum to the closing of my prayers.  I failed to see the importance or the use of it.  I did not understand its significance....and here in this book I have found out why we are to insert the holy Mysterious name of Jesus and what happens when we don't.  Our prayer life begins to struggle, to weaken.  Our hearts seem to be too sinful to share the intimacy with the Lord that I once had and I felt unworthy  of time with HIM.

Mr (or Mrs.) Hallesby explained that dryness of prayer time, and a lack of worthiness all come as a result of our failure to append the name of Jesus into our prayers.  It is not a kind of silly format that we are to give to our prayers. It is rather, the understanding for us and the pathway for our prayers to make it to the Father's Throne.  This can only come by the holy name of the sinless second person in the Trinity.  He took on my sinful heart and bathed it in his blood.  It is He that grants entrance to the Father as He wore my sins on His beaten, bloodied back.

It is by His importunate  pleading on my behalf that brings  my prayer to the Father's eyes and it is with the Love the Father has for Jesus and through Him, for me that brings answers to my pleas as well as intimacy and sweet communion between my heart and that of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   It is not merely like affixing a stamp on your letter....NO maybe it is exactly that.  You may have the most important letter in the world to be mailed...but without a stamp, it is going nowhere.  The stamp is essential.  Jesus' mysterious Name is equally essential. It is for certain that I will not send my prayers without adequate payment any longer.

The last Resort? or Our First line of Offense?

Today a friend brought me to a mall about an hour from our homes and before we headed home we stopped for bite in the food court.  At a table maybe 30 feet from where we were sitting were a man and two young boys. My guess was that the boys were between the ages of 12-14. The man was obviously furious,  his  face was red and he was clearly livid about something.  Whatever it was, it could in no way have warranted the man's behavior.  He slammed his hand on to the table and grabbed one boy by the arm...The taller of the two boys began to cry, obviously distraught by the behavior of the man.  At one point the man raised his eyes and his eyes met mine. I made no effort to pretend I was not staring. I hoped that my eye contact would  slow him down a little but his rage was already boiling and a little cool water was not going to change the temperature.

 

My friend and I finished our meal and put our garbage into a receptacle and headed out to the parking lot. My friend helped me from the wheelchair to the car and put in our packages....I reclined the seat and  my thoughts were, for once, more distressing than was my pain.  I kept seeing the young boy wiping away tears that just kept coming.  I wondered,  what was this maniac going to do to those two boys once he was away from my stares and the protection of the crowd?  I felt so helpless.   Suddenly,  AHAAA. "We could pray for those boys" I told my friend.  

 So I began to pray out loud.  That God would put a hedge of protection around  those boys. I prayed that the man would encounter a Christian who would begin to break down his walls of fury.  My friend and I , after we both had prayed, talked about the delay of our prayers. Why wasn't that the very first  thing I thought of ? Why did I feel helpless when truly I had at my fingertips all of the angels of heaven and the God of mercy who commanded those heavenly  troops.    They had the power to stop the man dead in his tracks should he try to harm those youngsters.

For Such a Time as this....

Those were the words of Mordachai  to his niece , Esther, who was the favorite of the King's wives as she was prepared to make an attempt to stop the mass murders which would likely obliterate the Jews living in this land where they' d been brought as slaves following the fall of Jerusalem.   Esther had no way of knowing the outcome of her request a head of time.  It could have actually led the king to kill her for her brazenness in approaching him without being summoned.  For such a time as this.  Have you ever witnessed a tragedy?  For example 9/11.  I'm sure that many prayers were offered up for relatives and friends who were in the Twin Towers that fateful day. But what about  when you hear on the TV about a fire in which some people were killed or badly burned.  Do you pray for those survivors?  What about when an ambulance whizzes by your car.  Do  you pray  for the inhabitants of that emergency vehicle?

I've made an attempt to keep my prayer antennae up....alerting me to prayer needs.

For example, have you heard of the pesticide used commonly in the US that is killing  our bee population by the billions?  The effects of these mass deaths is phenomenal.   ALL of our fruits and vegetables will bud and flower...and then die without the bees to spread the pollen to turn the flower into an edible item. This one fact alone can cause horrible famine.....and it is so simple to head off...as the Europeans have done by restricting the use of this pesticide.  So, if you are like me, you hear something  like that and a thread of fear runs through your heart....but what comes next? Do you drop to your knees and plead with the Father to cause the powers that be, to turn their attention to the problem and do what needs to be done to save the bee population?  When you watch the news,  does your heart sink or rage as the stories unfold?   Do you watch the news on your knees? And go to bed with a heart at peace?  Or are you upset, that old ulcer waking up and beginning to remind you that it's there?

Friend..do you know that you are a warrior for the Prince of Peace and the Lord Almighty Creator God?  Do you recognize and accept your mission here on this planet?  We are like Superman...walking around in "plain clothes" but inside us beat the  hearts of  warriors. Inside us  lie the powers to which we have access  which can solve problems and  wreak justice on this sinful planet. Do you hear of a mass murderer like Son of Sam running around causing  panic and havoc? Well, just as some people prayed for David Berkowitz ...these are unregenerate souls which need a savior.  When we get to heaven, we will meet David Berkowitz and meet the warrior who won the battle for his soul.

Not every assignment is yours to take....but when you see something. When you feel a tug on your heart as I did today...PRAY PRAY .......PRAY!!

This article is copyrighted.  DO not reprint without permission!

A Thriving Prayer Life means....

The day after yesterday, my friend took me on a jaunt to anywhere I wanted to go (obviously a day trip).I chose to go an hour south into NJ where there is a nice mall and a bunch of good stores surrounding the mall. First we went to Walmart and I was grateful to find they had a functioning scooter. I did have my wheelchair in the car but was hoping not to have to deal with it until we got to the mall.

At WalMart I got two pair of capris and three t-shirts and two house dresses. That pretty much exhausted my budget for the entire day.  But we went to the mall anyway just to look around.. At the mall I used the wheelchair.  I can no longer "self propel" because of my bad shoulders.  After just a very short time pain became horrible.I tried standing and holding on to the wheelchair like a walker.  That only lasted about one minute before my SI (sacral illiac) began to stab me in my hips and lower back. It was obvious that I was in severe pain. My friend felt so bad... there was nothing she could do to alleviate it...  We tried to have a good time anyway.  Finally we made our way to the food court which was where we had entered the mall. I ordered a "Mexican/Thai dish and a mango smoothie with Bubbles (a favorite thing of mine)....The dish had 5 falafel on it. I took one bite and almost choked -- it was SO spicy. I tried a few more bites, but my mouth, which was already sore from Sjogrens Disease, was just on fire.  I gave the food to my friend who tolerated it better than I.  Then we made our way home  When I got home I dropped on the bed and slept a LONG long time. 

The next day I needed to go to the pharmacy...we stopped for brunch, then I went to the pharmacy and my driver went to get a hair cut....Timing worked out perfectly.  And we made our way home.  Again I was so exhausted I could cry.  That night I went to bed a 5 Pm and slept til 6 AM when I had ot get up.

I have been reading a book by O Hallesby called "Prayer" and he has an interesting theory that God enters the scene with the answer to our prayers when we finally come to an end of our own efforts and desire, and then, when we are completely helpless,God goes to work.  How very very true this is!  Have you ever lost something? You look high and low under every couch cushion and in every pocket.  Finally in total exasperation  you cry out "LORD WHERE IS IT?" and you lift your eyes and the first thing you see is the item you were so frantic about...resting innocently where you had last placed it.  Or sometimes you hear a quiet voice saying "did you think of looking in your shoe?" And you say, "Lord, that's ridiculous"  And there you look and your car keys were stuffed in to your shoes by your toddler and you NEVER would have thought of looking there.

I have been learning, as I've come to depend on advice from my Lord, to get to the point of helplessness, long before I'd  searched the house. I would look around and realize I need help...So I lift my empty hands and say,"Lord, you know where this item is and I do not.  It would be foolish for me to search the house when all I need to do is to ask you....so here I am, asking you." And I wait for that quiet voice and sure enough.

Now God's purpose in our lives is not to help us find our car keys...but the car keys teach us two important things.  1) to recognize our helplessness to help ourselves in ANY WAY.
2) To recognize the voice of God and to  seek it in our prayer closet.  The more we hear from him....the more we will desire to hear from him. And soon it becomes an internal dialogue give and take all day.  An ambulance passes by, ask Jesus to help and protect the occupants....Your child misbehaves..you ask the Heavenly FATHER how to discipline.

I got some disturbing news today. I went to the hospital for my monthly IV infusion of a biologic drug to help to fight my autoimmune diseases....and they did bloodwork as a part of the routine. Shortly after they drew my blood, the nurse came over with some papers in her hand and she said, "you bloodwork doesn't look good.  Your liver enzymes are very high. We called your doctor and he said not to give you the IV today....you are to call him and set up an appointment for two weeks.

Now this can mean anything. If you are my pessimistic friend it means liver cancer. If you are me,it just means I probably have to switch meds or at the worst, go off medicine and just let the disease have its way with me. In any of the possible scenarios: I have my Father who is the Great Physician.  He knows I'm helpless on his operating table.  And I know that the skill of my heavenly surgeon will know just what I need to have cut out of me to make me function better...spiritually or physically.

Just remember there are two things you need to have a thriving prayer life.  Helplessness and absolute trust. With these in your corner, you CANNOT fail...because your Father cannot fail.

His Strength is Sufficient for Me

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

I asked my dad this morning via email...how it is that I can do anything...not just anything for God...but anything at ALL, when I'm in such mind blowing pain.  How can I serve Him? How can I do my at home duties--which right now amounts to putting my laundry away and cooking dinner (sometimes) as well as putting in the grocery order and putting the groceries away when they arrive...Also doing the dishes (sometimes my daughter helps me with the above when I'm in too much pain to manage).

I feel useless.
I feel like a burden.
I feel hopeless.

Paul asked God three times to remove his "thorn in the flesh" and God's answer was, "My grace is sufficient for you..My strength is made perfect in your weakness"...

What does that mean?  "My strength is sufficient for you"?
Does it means "Take what I hand you and let that be adequate"?  Does it mean that "I will give you adequate strength to do what I give you to do"?  Does it mean that there is  no limit to God's strength and therefore you should be satisfied with that because all of God's strength is given to us so there is no limit on what we are able to do.?

Maybe the next phrase will give us a clue.  "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." It is when people and the spirit world view me serving, or even merely enduring my pain without complaint, and still praising God for the strength he gives me to endure....then God's strength is perfected...it shines like a diamond, that has been cut and faceted and polished...through the buffeting the diamond endured does it more brightly shine.

Phil 3:8

 Yea verily, and I count all things to be loss for the excellancy of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord; for whom I have suffered the loss of all things. and do not count them but refuse, that I may gain Christ and be found in him (ASV)

ie;The things that I have lost (my health my self-sufficiency) are mere garbage considering what I have gained in their place: the treasure of knowing Jesus intimately.

Not only do we gain the honor of intimacy with Christ, we gain the gift of his strength becoming our own. His strength is sufficient for us--it is made perfect in our weakness. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4;13)

So ultimately: if God has a job for us to do, he will grant us the strength to do it.  And if we are to be a lesson to others in our gracious (grace-filled) suffering, then God's strength is perfected in our weakness and we are a life example to those who view us filled with the strength that God gives us to endure. And they see Jesus  in us, who in his suffering did not count equality with God as something to cling to...rather he suffered and died a criminal's death.(Phil 2:6-8) If we can suffer humbly (which we can because God's grace is sufficient in us) and still bring honor and praise to God then we have run the race with endurance, fought the good fight and glorified Christ in sharing with him his suffering.

Auto Immune Disease: What the Afflicted Face

Yesterday a devotion of mine was published online by Christian Devotions.com  Here is the link to my piece:
http://christiandevotions.us/?wpmlmethod=newsletter&id=870&mailinglist_id=0&subscriber_id=2252&authkey=e0ec453e28e061cc58ac43f91dc2f3f0  If you click on the link in the bio on that piece you will be taken to some other past devotions I've written for this ministry.

My book is still in hinterland. Do I borrow money to self-publish it?  Do I publish for free only as a Kindle book? Or do I take on the hot summer pavement and seek a traditional publisher? I am inclined toward the first two options...I need to do something involving the least amount of work possible.  My energy is nil. I want to get the book out there.  I know it is good and it deserves publication.  But I just don't have the strength or mental duress to do what needs to be done to make good on a book to pay back the outlay used by a publishing house to print and circulate my book.

These four (or six) diseases that I have and their offshoots are really making mud of me. It takes me half the day to take a shower (on the days when I actually DO shower).(Thanks to SZ and RA);  Fatigue (RA, Sj, PsA) Pain makes it so that I can no longer stand long enough to do a small batch of dishes. Pain makes it impossible to walk more than 50feet without excruciating pain; open a bottle; cook a meal;lay on my bed or sit in my recliner.(RA Sj PsA) Reading a book now has its own challenges( glaucoma, Sj, RA)
My brain takes unannounced, protracted vacations....sometimes checking out even mid[-sentence. People look at me in confusion,...raising one eyebrow to the others in our conversation and I stop talking.  I've finally learned that that brow placement means, "Shut up..no one understands what you are talking about." (Schizophrenia, Bipolar and all the Auto-immune diseases as well.

I could go on and on...but you get the drift.  I've barely scratched the surface of symptoms and side effects of the diseases I have.
I am so so tired of hurting.
So so tired of yet a new symptom
so tire of explaining to people what exactly is wrong with you??
I'm so tired.  I'm so tired of fatigue that I no longer care that I'm useless.
I'm tired of not knowing what day it is.(thanks be to God for the little date and time marker in the lower right corner of my computer...but turn my head and I know longer remember the date.

I'm tired at being at a church function and not having a word to say....I cannot keep up with the conversation or the jokes. No one says "Here come sit with us"

Having Sj suddenly makes eating dangerous. I must have copious amounts of water or else the food will turn to dry paste in my mouth and I can't get it up or down.  I try to expel it daintily...but hacking up a dough ball of chicken is not a pretty sight no matter how you approach it. When eating, it is a guarantee that I will choke at least once.

Just more of the joys of AID (Auto-Immune Diseases.) If you are one of the "blessed" who have this kind of illness you will relate right away. If not, you're probably scratching your head. I'm sorry if this post was graphic and disgusting.  Believe me :it gets worse...I edited it.What is so profoundly difficult to bear is trying to explain how a body can host four or more diseases...all different yet all having similar symptoms and treatments. For me, it is hard to understand is why the concept is so difficult for people to face.Even though they've assigned our diseases their own cute little ribbons...it does little to make people comprehend.