Crash! Bang.! SOAK 'em UP!!

On Saturday,my husband called me down to the basement where there was water on the floor.  (we had a $250 leak, but that's another story.)  I turned to go back up the stairs...I lifted my foot to take the first step onto a landing and I'm not sure what happened...but I was on the floor and my coffee cup had flown from my hand...I hurt.and most of all I was scared. When you have as many artificial joints as I do, falling is something you REALLY should avoid.  I huddled up and cried. My husband said, "go upstairs, I'll clean up the coffee" Which is as close to tenderness as it gets these days.  I knew what was coming...and I was right. "You belong in a nursing home."

My daughter cleaned and bandaged my cuts and we counted the bruises.  The worst effect is my neck. It hurts all the time now and when I turn my head, it cracks...LOUDLY.

This whole week has been a wake-up call. I cannot get even half way through a small pile of dishes without my lower back hurting like mad.  My hands have been so swollen and stiff they are just about useless.And yesterday my right foot suddenly hurt so badly I had to use my cane to even take a step.  I soaked my foot in my herbal mixture to eliminate or reduce pain. It's a mixture of herbs and Epsom salts.  I boiled some water and mixed up the herbs and soaked my foot and once again it was beneficial. I haven't had to use the cane since, nor have I had to re-soak.  I made a batch for my dad also and got him one of the feet buckets I got for myself.

Another day in the life of......

There's an App for that

I have recently gotten a Kindle Fire...and do you know there is an APP called "Mobile Knee" where you can list your concerns, flesh them out with details and then once they are answered, you can move them into the answered list?  It's really pretty cool and it has kept me honest: when I tell someone "I'll pray for you": I really do: rather than forgetting my promise after one day.  However, there is a trick that these prayer list  booklets and apps pull. They make you think that by listing our concerns, our  job is done.  Kind of like leaving a "honey -do" list on the kitchen table and hoping that  our husband will come along, pick it up and run off to do our bidding with joy in his heart that  we have finally noticed them. And worse, that we are patting ourselves on the back for  our "time" with our husband

UM

No.

 I don't think that that constitutes a prayer time. It could be an outline to follow....but honestly, my list is so long that if I were to work my way through it each day, I would get nothing else done.  And what lover likes to be presented with 30 items to take care of--just as an expression of our love for him!!

So what is to be done?

You  could go without a list.  But if you are like me....you will forget 9/10ths of the people you  promised to  pray for, let alone standing issues like Israel and our government and our personal flaws and items for confession.

You could pick one or two items for each day and really "pray them up."  And to make it a well  rounded feast...choose one current event that calls to your heart  ...Confess yourself clean. Talk to your  Lover about your needs. Spend  time rejoicing  and praising him.  Even this approach may seem daunting.

So  why don't you  go snuggle up on his lap lean your head against his chest and wait for him to speak?

He may lead you to pray for someone on your list....or he may just want to be close to you and to have your unbroken attention.

Yes there will be days when you go in like the  charge of the Light  Brigade, and pray for every person on your list.  But don't do that every day. Warriors  don't battle  every day.   Some days they sharpen their swords and sometimes they go to (fellowship) meals and trade war stories and brag on their Leader.

There is a place for  everything , And a time for everything...and everything must be balanced for it to get proper attention to the areas which need us.

The most important thing is to remember who is in charge. It is not the Warrior. It is the Captain from whom we are to receive direction.   So remember....you hear with your  ears open...not your mouth.  And you have two ears---and one mouth. So listen twice as much as you speak.

OK?

Undressing

The following is a letter I wrote to a friend who also has autoimmune diseases. I thought you might find it interesting.

Dear SK,
I used to make jewelery  and also stamped cards etc...I had  a TON of stamps, papers,  inks, cutters, Fiskers  etc.  The jewelry  stuff I gave to my daughter's friend and the stamp supplies I sent to my aunt.  She is getting  up there in age but she makes the most beautiful cards I've ever seen.  My embroidery floss went to make bracelets for my daughter and her friends.  My roller blades went to my daughter's friend since my daughter had no interest.  I cried the day I gave those away.

My art supplies have gone to my daughter who s VERY talented....still what a heart break that was!
So the only thing I have left are about a thousand books....and a ton of equipment ...commode, canes, walkers etc etc.  Wouldn;t I LOVE to give all that stuff away! (not the books....obviously)! I do have my   graphics tablet left. I really should pick it up and use it.

It is so sad to divest.  We must ask the question,"Who am I apart from all that "stuff"??" It's hard to answer that.I guess it's like a retirement crisis..."Who am I apart from this job I've gone to  every day for twenty years.?"  Only it's worse than that because every possible answer to that  question is also not possible.....We can't simply replace our career with leisure activities....We do not want to be a professional patient....There  HAS to be something else...but for the life of me I don' t know what it is.

I've written a book....and a bunch of poems and articles.....I know they are good but I don't have the energy to pursue  publication..  I thought maybe self publishing would be less stressful....but I don't have the money to use for that, And there are many days when I  cannot type...my hands simply hurt too much for that.
I feel lost amongst the "used to be's"  I am too young to have to face these questions.. I should NOT have to be investigating nursing homes and  home care....

Anyway. There you have it. I've given away my life because it no longer fit me...just like all my "skinny clothes"--(I haven't given those all away yet but a lot of them  I have.) But I really do need to invest in some proverbial new "fat clothes" simply because it doesn't "do" to walk around stark naked.

The School of Pain

This morning, after waking,...I stretched....You know those lovely moments when your bed is just SO comfy that you decide maybe not to get out of it that day.  So I had about a moment like that.  Then got Slammed into the wall like an ice hockey player....The whole team; them against me.
Pain-(the opposition) explodes into my reality and suddenly, that bed which a moment ago, embraced me--suddenly becomes an inquisitioner's rack.  I had to get up.  Once vertical....I walked the walk of hot coals between here and my kitchen.  Shake it off!  Shake it off!

Psalm 34:17-19

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 55:16-17

As for me, I will call upon God,

And the Lord shall save me.

Evening and morning and at noon
I will pray, and cry aloud,
And He shall hear my voice.

2 Cor4:17

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,  

1 Timothy 4;8

 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come. 

What do you see in all these verses? 

1) Pain or suffering

2) Relief or help enduring.(from God)

3) GREAT BENEFIT

  

Yeah. I'll get all buff and amazing...strolling right past the gym.  Who needs a gym when you are being shaped and grown by pain and suffering? 

All joking aside.

There is a phrase : Pointless suffering.

Let me tell you. The only suffering that is pointless is the suffering of a person who is rejecting the benefit of Christ's suffering and pain....carrying it all themselves without hope of reprieve...THAT is pointless. Why? Because Jesus did it all already.  The suffering of a believer has the effect of burnishing our masterpiece.  It's that final polish  that adds so much beauty.  It also adds dimensions to our character portfolio that cannot be attained via any other route.  It equips us as well. Hard times are coming to this world.  Those of us who have been trained by fire have little to fear. We KNOW how to suffer. We KNOW to whom we need turn. We KNOW that hidden supply of wisdom, character, strength and fortitude. 

There is a book by the prolific writer Andrew Murray called "With Christ in the School of Suffering" --meditate on that title for a bit. Here is a verse along those lines:

Hebrews 5:8

though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.

Christ had a lot to learn about suffering also. Face it, He did not ever have to suffer --through out all eternity past...until he was pressed and pushed passing through that birth canal and landed right smack into a world where our first experience is one of pain. Jesus did not protest or rebel at suffering.  It was a fact that he signed up for it. Why? His whole life was focused on one thing.  The Cross--and if he didn't submit to pain...if he refused the lessons of obedience in his earthly life...then he would have found it impossible to submit and yield to the pain of the Cross.

Likewise...as the verses above attest: we have a lot to learn from the taskmaster, Pain. You know the expression
"no pain; no gain"?  That is true. There is benefit to suffering for the believer.  Pain shapes our character, It trains us for persecution....and also for the day to day hardships and sorrows of this life.  It also gives us a great wealth--a treasure chest of benefit from  which we can draw when we need to comfort someone else who is going through the deep waters of suffering.

2 Cor. 1:4

^...who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

 Here is the cycle of suffering.  We suffer (and reap the benefit of suffering in intimacy with the FAther, as He comforts us.) and then we take that comfort and we bless others with it. And when you hold them, weeping, to your chest, you can say with verity: "I know.  I know.  I've been there and I can promise you that you will get through this...this pain is not endless." 

Do you see what we have to offer? HOPE. And the assurance that God has not forgotten them...that He still loves them; that He is PRESENT with them.  As Daniel's three friends were tossed into a fiery furnace, there was a FOURTH man walking amidst the flames. Jesus himself showed up  and they escaped unscathed. Sometimes we need to go through the furnace; but be assured he is there with you in it.

Face to Face with my Face

Today  I had a bad day....in terms of corralling my appetite. I still have an anorexic brain trapped inside the puffy folds of fat and swelling caused by the steroids. Although I lost weight in the hospital, I still look like the "Stay-Puff" marshmallow man. I had to make a video yesterday...and it is all I can do to look at that image and recognize it as "me."  I also noted a bit of a speech impediment.  Is that somehow from fat? Or did it occur when I had encepala spinal meningitis...where I had a mini stroke by all appearances...Or possibly it could have resulted from the ECT I endured.

Is this swollen monstrosity really my face?  Oh Lord, you have taken a sledge hammer to my vanity. No wonder they call it "Moon face"...since my name in Greek means"Moon"I guess it was just bound to be.

I'm having a hard time today.   Tying my thoughts onto a string for each finger....and finding the slightest wind sends me reeling. I have no anchor today.  Just variable winds blowing me to unknown shores.

I ate terribly today. Not so much unhealthy stuff (although I did have garlic knots and soft serve ice cream....so am not guiltless...Dr Fuhrman says if you are eating the right stuff then quantity doesn't matter so much.I need to keep going back to that book and re-reading it.

Selfdenial.
It sounds tough.And it is tougher even than that.I used to have an iron will when it came to food.  I could deny myself of any possible delicacy.  Now? Not so much..

I am now one of those people who obviously need to lose some serious weight who say "Just one won't hurt"  and then polish off three.

I was just humming a song...and I stopped to listen to the words I was singing. "Great is thy faithfulness O God my FAther. There is no shadow of turning with Thee.  All I have needed they hand hath provided. Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me.

And the verse where that comes from?'
 Lamentations 3

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
²⁶ It is good that one should hope and wait quietly 

 For the salvation of the Lord.

Think about that.  No matter how hard we are on ourselves.  No matter how many times we screw up: The Lord's mercies are new EVERY morning. He is not sitting up thee with a clipboard figuring out just have badly I've eaten today. No.  He wants to comfort me..to tell me tomorrow is a new day.. And he wants me to know that I AM NOT what I eat.  I mean in some sense I am.  But not in a critical way.

Lord Jesus, 

You know how much a hate it when I overeat. I know you do not want me to flagellate myself for this failure.  Tomorrow is a new day FULL - jamb packed full of Your love and mercy.Victory over this habit is just around the corner.  And even if I am not victorious immediately,I will beat it.  I will learn to love this puffy face because it belongs to the beloved of the Lord.