Monday, March 31, 2014

Loving Ally


He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer. He is my shield, and I take refuge in him."
~ Psalm 144:2, NLT

This morning, I am feeling sad.  Friends....don't have much time for me...I think of all I've lost to this disease, including friendships, being able to exercise, take walks, go shopping...many other things as well. I can't even cook a meal without having to take "sit down breaks" because the pain is too great.

Yesterday something very  unkind was said to me....by someone who should have been my friend to say the very least. That -- along with all the losses--has plummeted me into sadness. Tears now.

And then I saw the above verse in my email today

He is my loving ally. When friends, lover, and family fail me GOD IS MY LOVING ALLY.  Ah, sweet Jesus...take these tears and hold me close.  Be my shield against the hurtful remarks. Be  my rescuer from the hands of my enemies. Be my safety. Be my lover. Be to me all the things that my friends and family should be.When they fail me you are faithful.

Listen to the song at the top of this blog.   He is all this to me

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Limitations

I have a short half hour in which to write this post.My physical therapist is arriving then.This therapy is very painful but I'm so blessed with a gentle and kind lady to help me. I honestly think she is more distressed by my pain than I am.  She says I have a poker face, even in pain,so if I gasp or make a face, she knows I'm really hurting and will back off....but she will come back to it again....after loosening me up and generally the second time,I will be able to do what she is asking me to do.

What is God teaching me in this time?
He is showing me that people will totally not understand that if I'm not in a sling, or using a cane or wearing a brace of some kind then I can still be in horrible pain. And he is helping me to understand that people are not perceptive and they are hopelessly inadequate when they express their sympathy. It's much the same with psych illnesses.If I'm not speaking word salad, if what I say is coherent...then whoalah! I am cured.

Why are people so STUPID when it comes to perception? I really only HOBBLE in the morning or when the tendons in my feet are messed up by the PsA. I do not LOOK like I'm hurting. It's just the way I am. But it's not the greatest way to be if you need help. Picture this.Me,standing in front of a shelf at Walmart....and knowing for sure I will not be able to reach that can of peaches on the shelf and even if I could reach it, I could not grasp it and get it into the cart.So sometimes I've had to ask for help.One time there was no one around except a woman who had to be in her seventies. When I asked her if she was able to get the can for me, she gave me such a hateful look.I knew that trying to explain things would not have helped. I will just file it under "unjust insult"and move on.

Since I've had my arm problems I've tried to get the friend who drove me to the store to walk with me (I'm in a scooter because with my arms, I cannot steer the cart and with my legs I cannot walk very far at all.) I point out what I need and my friend puts it in the cart.

Now all of this has been eliminated by Shop Rite's blessed home delivery program. I order online and they bring it right into my kitchen.  It's completely wonderful and only costs what it would cost in gas for me to get to the store.

I am blessed to have a good friend, Ralph, who does local driving..like to the pharmacy or beauty salon or to church and back. We have good conversation and since he lives alone I think he likes to get out as much as I do. We are friends and nothing more and God has provided him for me.

Pain is lonely.It is isolating -- not just because I can't get out but because there is no one to share my pain. No one really who is even sympathetic.The last time my left hip dislocated...the Emergency Room doc was unable to wrestle it back into place...So they called my ortho surgeon..by this time the anesthesia had completely worn off so the doc was standing by my gurney while I whimpered, cried and called  out to Jesus to help me.  This doc is one who knows I do not display pain...he's the one who called me a Trouper.  He held my hand and he said with distress on his face, "I'm sorry.  This must hurt so much!" And that expression of sympathy meant so much to me.  He didn't understand the pain...he'd never experienced it--but he knew if I was a sniveling mess...that it REALLY REALLY hurt. My daughter was a difficult birth and I have to say that that was nothing compared to a dislocated hip,

Well my PT is here. I'm off to the torture chamber!!

Friday, March 28, 2014

But God...



Well, I've been writing--just not here. I've been working on a book proposal for my memoir: Treasure from Darkness.  I've been working on this book for the past three years (not working consistently however) and the end is in sight...or actually that's not true. Simply that this phase is almost done. There will still be editing to do and possibly re-writes once it is picked up by the publisher. I have had very good feedback from a writer/editor and an agent, so I do have hope that it will be chosen by a publisher.

And then, about a week ago, I was tired of all the tedium of the proposal and I thought to myself, "who am I kidding?  I don't have much to say...how can I be a writer?  And do I even want to?"  God's response?  He put concepts for two more books into my head...ideas that I am excited about.  I've begun working on one of the topics: just writing what God is giving me for the book....Not in finished order, more like taking notes as God dictates.

And then this morning I wrote out a devotion which I plan to send to my friends at Christian Devotions (http://christiandevotions.us/)
It's been awhile since I've written for them...I'd previously written five or six submissions which were published...and then after being high and dry for ideas God has given me one.  It won't be published soon....probably in about 9 months.  I will let you know when I get word that it is coming up.

It would be great to be published and to get paid for it.  I've been published a fair amount (mostly online) and have never been paid. It would be so wonderful if I could make some money doing this.  We are in rather dire straits financially and it is so very frustrating being unable to contribute more than just my social security check. I really could not do anything  else other than writing given my disability.

Even writing has its challenges -- most authors have to go around from place to place peddling their wares...And they also go to writing conferences and workshops, which I would LOVE to do. However, two or three years ago I went to the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writers' Conference....a conference that is three days long. I only went for two days and one night. I went in my wheelchair and I was in so much pain by the second day, I had to lay across some chairs during the meetings. I came home WIPED out. I fell into bed and slept for three days straight. And that was three years ago--I've only gotten worse since then. There is no way I could do it,as much as my heart aches to admit that. There are people at that conference that I would LOVE to see again. But there really is no way unless God miraculously gave me new strength and took away my pain.

But God.

There are those words...magic words.
But God gave me this gift.He has given me the ideas. He will make a way for them to get published and sold.

I do not have to bother my head about it.
Abba will take care of it.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Make Sweet Work of an Awful Task

It's been a couple of days since I've posted.  Really nothing new...More Physical Therapy, more (but diminishing) pain in my shoulder. Neck and lower spine and hips and feet are not diminishing....they are letting me know loud and clear that they are there and they are NOT HAPPY.  I don't know what to do about it. They are not really operable situations....so I basically have to frown grin and bear it. It makes me wonder....why go to the pain and expense of a joint replacement when the rest of the body hurts so much and will ALWAYS hurt so much? Yes, my shoulder is feeling better...but does that really matter in the big picture?I guess it really should not be looked at as a pain relief method but rather a surgery to return lost function. I couldn't dress myself. Bathe myself, reach to a cabinet to get a drinking glass.Hopefully, once this surgical pain calms down, I will once again be able to do that....at least until my LEFT shoulder gets to the point where it loses all function.  Right now it is partially disabled...I hope if it is going to go the path of the other shoulder,that it do so before the end of this year.....when I can get the surgery for little or nothing...once I hit my maximum out of pocket number for our insurance (this year it is $3000 per person as opposed to last year's $1500 per person.)--then it would make sense to get as much fixed as I can before the next year.

That is what I need to do. I need to sit down with my case manager and take care of some of these bills...pay some and call others and tell them that Payment will be coming --I must pay them one at a time. Why the case manager?  She motivates me and keeps me on track.

Maybe I will make us this yummy recipe I Pinned to Pinterest today. You brew and then freeze Rooibois tea in an ice cube tray and then float the ice cubes in chilled glasses of coconut water! Doesn't that sound yummy? I just need to buy the coconut water. That should make a very unpleasant task somewhat sweeter.I think I will even use my "special occasion" water glasses I have in my china cabinetand have used maybe twice? OOoh I'm starting to look forward to paying some bills!














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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Elbows, Shoulders, Knees and Toes,(Knees and Toes)

I'm hurting. PT today was rough.  My elbows (both of them) are in very bad shape and that made some of the shoulder exercises very challenging. Sometimes it felt like my elbow was going to dislocate.  I really like my therapist though...she's a young woman...very gentle and sympathetic but rather than feeling sorry for me and letting me off the hook, she will try to modify the exercise or take it from a different angle...or rest a bit and then try again.

I was just thinking about a memory. It occurred maybe two years ago.  I was having my left elbow filmed in an MRI ...they laid me on my left side and yanked my arm up straight under my head...and strapped it down TIGHT. Now what they didn't know and what I tried to tell them between sniffles and tears was that my left shoulder needs to be replaced and I did not have the Range of Motion necessary to have it stretched out like that. It was excruciating. I rang the emergency bell  crying and crying. The tech said, "you're almost done...only another twenty minutes!!!!" TWO minutes was too much....I sobbed in pain and they refused to relieve me.I will never again permit another elbow MRI.
I wish now I had pursued it and reported them.That kind of hard nosed behavior has no place in a medical facility. Do you know I'm crying now at the memory?  It was horrible.

I think after I recover from  this shoulder surgery I will go in for a arthroscopic surgery on one of my elbows (they both need it) And from there I will have my left shoulder replaced.Do you think I can get it done before the end of the year when it is probably going to be free once we meet our out of pocket expenses?  We shall see. How much pain can a person take in one year?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

A HUGE Apology

a Day or Two ago....I -- well I goofed. I really acted inexcusably rudely to some of my sisters in Christ, here on my blog.  I said some unkind things that I will forever regret...If you are one of those who received the brunt of my bad feelings,Please,Please forgive me. My jealousy was a well-hidden secret from my own self. I had no idea that it was MY bad attitude that corrupted these relationships and nothing else.

I removed the hurtful paragraphs and left what really should have been the focus of the whole blog: my jealousy...the sin I needed to confess. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer with God asking him to reveal to me all the ways this sin has harmed friendships and potential friendships.

Worst of all, I slammed a site dedicated to women who love Jesus. This was inexcusable and I am very very sorry.

I hope those who read my blog will return and see this apology....and will forgive me.
Thank you to all of you who've  been faithful enough to return.  I hope I have not forever harmed my blog's ministry. Thank  you again.

Monday, March 10, 2014

A Revelation





What do I look for in a friendship?

1) intelligence (well seasoned with humility)
2) Honesty-don't paint a perfect world when sometimes you are bleeding on the inside.  You don't have to share details but saying " I'm not okay right now" is a good place to start...and maybe you will end there. but that's okay too.
3)  Someone who doesn't constantly "one up" me.  If I hurt-- you hurt worse. If I have a disease so do you and yours is worse. If I share with you a moment when I'd been honored...don't pick that moment to tell me about yours--the next day, I will love to hear your story.
4)The ability to laugh at yourself. Embarrassing moments are the exception to rule #3....I will welcome hearing how you embarrassed yourself worse than I did!! (lol)

I sometimes just question whether I am truly a woman....I mean I know I am.  I like womanly things,Makeup, clothes, gardening, cooking (at least I USED to like to cook but why am I SO uncomfortable around other women? I don't know.I would LIKE to know.  Is it jealousy? Is it? It very well might be.  I mean the perfect house, perfect kids, perfect marriage people DO irk me....and it can  only be because I am jealous.

Gosh, I never before thought of myself as a jealous woman.But God has just opened my eyes...and you know what? I don't like what I see.And all those reasons I don't want to be "one-upped" it's because I want the top honor...If you one up me, I should be GLAD for you....not hating you for it. Jealousy.Envy--those are up there on the top Ten Commandments.This is serious business.All this resentment and dislike of other women is really jealousy...I don't like women who are thinner and prettier than I.I don't like women who are well educated and have completed post-grad work and gotten degrees...when I was locked up in a padded room.I am jealous of women who have a car and can just hop in it and drive off to the gym or to a store so they can buy some more amazing clothes....or to a health food store so as to be really healthy and live their wonderful lives til forever.



Yep this is a bad bad case of green putridity.(like that word? so do I)...Father forgive me for my jealousy toward your daughters. When I look  back...I see instances of this muck at every turn. Oh Lord, forgive me.I was jealous of Sara Frankl....for pete's sake...I have a variety of the same disease she did...I'm stuck in my house most of the time...why did everyone love her and why do they run from me?  it's BECAUSE she loved laughter.She took joy in her women friends and counted even people like me as her friends.She did her best to make people feel good....she didn't have a jealous bone in her body.

How could I have been so blind to what is so clear to me now? FAther,thank you for revealing this. Help me Lord, wash my heart clean of this sin. Alert me every time this green eyed monster raises it's slimy head.


Joining? or Avoiding?

Yesterday evening,I exchanged words on a site for people with PsA.  The person was unkind and arrogant with me and I basically told him I didn't like to be treated like that and that I would not be returning.

Who is it that God is calling me to be? Not bitter, that's for sure. He is calling me to love these people. I don't want to. No, I do not.
This requires prayer.
"Lord Jesus, you see my heart.  My green tinted heart and eyes. You see that these people have pricked my self- righteous bubble and I find it to be filled with green slime. Lord clean me up.  I cannot do it myself. Lord, these people hurt my feelings.  They also make me jealous....of their perfect spouses, children and lives. And why is it that every one of them has a "ministry" a book to promote, or is a speaker? Am I the only one whose husband hates  her....whose child is not a believer,  who has a mental illness, who is physically disabled?  Are these things truly reflective of my spiritual state (failure)? Lord, I need some answers here."

God is whispering to my heart.
"I made you for Myself. 
I made you to be who you are: unique.  There are those who will see My hand in your life and my face reflected on yours.  There are those who are insincere and judgmental.  It is up to Me to deal with them.  Hide your heart in Mine and you will not be wounded. These people like you, are all trying to find their way to Me.  Share with them. Help them in their journey. You are not responsible for their failures or sins.  Just keep your own heart clean...keep it habitable for Me. And your "weaknesses" ?  The mental and physical issues? Just take from them the lessons I've taught you.  GO and be an encourager ...you don't have to share your story right away...I will let you know what you should speak and when.

"So, for now, go and join them.  Join them so that you can learn more of Me. And so that you can let your heart shine like the jewel it is.Do not feel unworthy or less than they are.  Just be yourself, "Cynthia: the Moon....reflector of light."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Family Grudges

Yesterday on Facebook, I got a friend request from a man whose name  I did not know. He had two friends in common with me, both of them cousins of mine. Before accepting his request, I checked him out with one cousin and my mom. I got a message from  the man which said he is a first cousin of my mom and hadn't seen her for 60 years.

I checked out a Facebook site that NM (this gentleman)recommended to me which is a site dedicated to the Line of my mom's maiden name.  Some great pictures were exchanged and it was interesting to think that a year ago, I never ever communicated with any relatives. But thanks to FB was able to be tracked down by them and now we a part of each other's virtual lives.  I have one aunt (mom's older sister) with whom I've begun to regularly talk.I also do call my dad's younger sister on holidays. Yesterday was her 82nd  birthday....so I spoke to her.

It's funny. I've gone all these years without knowing a single relative and never missed them. Now I see that I was missing something important...Family...God made them for a reason. Families are made to be important to each other;to love each other no matter what. Of course that is a bit euphemistic. There have been fractures in my family...hurt. bad feelings...Not speaking to him or her or such and so for reasons good or bad. Fact is...rifts in families cause loss and pain  and almost always speak of unforgiving hearts....and you know what the Lord said:
Luke 17:4
Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”
Colossians 3:13
Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
WE are told that if we expect forgiveness for our sins,then we are absolutely to forgive others when they've hurt us...even if they hurt us multiple times. To refuse to forgive someone who has asked for your repentance is to put your standards above those of God. If God can forgive, who are we to hold grudges?

There are fractures in most families I think.however, to deprive our family of our love  and company is just wrong and the pain extends to generations after us.
It is a sad state of affairs when we fall into this mobile society and move away from our relatives...however now there is internet communications...and once more we can be a part of the lives of others.Do your part to bring peace...then if the fracture persists, the guilt is not on your head.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Look for the Lovely

The other day I found out that I'd  won a free hour long session with a life coach. She has a blog I follow online and recently held a contest to win an hour long session with her.

Here is something I was thinking about this AM sparked by a blog I read here:

I struggled recently --thinking, "Maybe this is just the way I am....and possibly the way I"m going to be." I am frequently on high doses of steroids and every bout with steroids is good for a 5-20 pound weight gain....Maybe I cannot control that. Maybe the best I can hope for is to re-lose the new weight gained after the last round of steroids....that way I can avoid morbid obesity and just stay at "obese"....Do I want that? no. But I've got to get to the point where I stop hating myself for something that is beyond my control....

It's okay to be on a journey.  But we can really miss a lot of beautiful scenery and joy if all we can think about is the "are we there yet??" question children ask.  Maybe that is a sign of emotional immaturity.  Maybe someone who has been around the block a few times knows that there is something to be said for finding happiness where ever it is you are.

It is not "settling" and sabotaging my weight loss.  I will continue the journey whether or not I lose weight. I must celebrate the small gains (losses) and find joy in the fact that I can get a size smaller pants on.  Chances are good (for me, due to medical issues) that that victory will be short  lived.  But that doesn't mean that  I should condemn myself or give up.

I need to get to the point where I'm okay NO MATTER WHAT THE SCALE SAYS.  The scale should NOT have the power to drain the beauty and joy out of my day. Just like a passing  cloud covering the sun for a minute does not ruin a nice day....neither should my weight for that day matter or be given power it should not have. I am a person, created by God, given challenges such as poor health and excess weight but also given many other benefits and blessings....THESE should be my focus.
 Here is a verse that says it all:'

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Look for the Lovely.  Look in the MIRROR for the lovely!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Ideas for Lenten Remembrances

I've been having more and more trouble being compliant with wearing my sling. Partly because both slings are ripped or nonfunctional....and partly because my shoulder is feeling well enough now that it is begging to be used.  I just counted out the dates.  March 4th is the 6 week point from my surgery so it really should be okay now to cautiously use it.  I don't have a ortho doc appointment until the 17th of March however, so I will need to call the surgeon to get an updated list of instructions.

The other thing on my mind this morning is that come March 5th (Ash Wednesday) is the beginning of Lent.  In the past two or three years I've made attempts to "celebrate" Lent by giving up sweets or reading Lenten writings.  And in both cases have failed to be 100% faithful.

I have a book of Lenten devotions taken from the Mosaic Bible and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the celebration of these particular days on the Christian Calendar, it is "the season when Christians have historically prepared their hearts for Easter with reflection repentance and prayer. Lent begins with Ash Wednesday and proceeds for forty days culminating in Good Friday and Holy Saturday. Since Sundays are weekly celebrations of the resurrection of Jesus the six Sundays in Lent are not counted as part of the forty-day season."*

I would like, once more, to set aside some time on a daily basis to read this devotional-and I do not want to get behind in my reading of the Bible in a year so I will also proceed with that.  Now there is a danger here of being too ambitious and therefore setting the stage for failure to carry out my good intentions.  There is so much more I could do to privately make these forty days significant...I could focus more on prayer... I could read the life of Christ in Scriptures...I could deny myself in fasting or a partial fast by giving up some indulgence...I could do some kind of community service...and on and on.  In the days that I spend approaching Lent, I will be praying and asking God for direction...what would HE have me do to commemorate his death?  And for those of you who are Christians and who have personal relationships with the Lord Jesus, I would challenge you as well to do this.  Ask God what he would have you do to remember what he did for you - for  us - on the cross.

There is a beautiful version of the Bible....it's body text  is in the New Living Translation....but in the pages at the beginning of the book are readings both contemporary and ancient that take us through the Christian calendar...and there is quite a bit of focus given to Lent.  The name of this particular Bible is the Mosaic Bible and the Lenten portions of the readings can also be purchased separately. Here is the Amazon link: The Mosaic Bible. It is also filled with art work and poetry that celebrates Christ throughout the year.  If you have the means I would urge you to order a copy of this very special edition of Scripture.

Also another book that I have found to be beautiful as well as beneficial is a devotional book called "Seeking God's Face"...It works its way through the Christian calendar and writes out the daily readings which would be found read in the daily masses in a Catholic or an Episcopalian Church.  The purpose of this book is to prepare the heart for prayer on a daily basis. The daily Scripture references are all written out in the two page daily spread so you don't have to flip around and go back and forth from book to Bible.  The dates which are covered by this book (to keep in step with the liturgical dates begin in 2011 and go through 2026).  And here is the Amazon link for this book as well.
Seeking God's Face

One final book that I would recommend is

Reliving the Passion: Meditations on the Suffering, Death, and the Resurrection of Jesus as Recorded in Mark. by Walter Wangerin Jr. 

This is a highly readable account of the final days of Christ on this earth.  I would urge you to get your hands on this and make it a goal to read it through this Lenten season.

In addition to reading and praying, I think it would be good to let  your heart bleed into action..whether it be volunteering at a shelter or soup kitchen or writing encouraging letters to those imprisoned for their faith.  An excellent site which has been developed for this very purpose is https://www.icommittopray.com/ 

Let your worship bleed into action. 

 *taken from "Devotions for Lent"found in the Mosaic Bible ...See Link above