Friday, February 28, 2014

Points of Interest

I will start this blog but do not know if I have time to finish it before the "bus" comes to take me to my rheumatologist appointment in  New York.  If not, I will finish it later.  I am having an attack of psoriasis in my face and on my hairline. Fortunately I do not have the thick white scaly kind or the blood red blotchy kind. Mine is dry bumps that are flaky and a bit itchy. I don't know if this is just the beginning of the plaque psoriasis (the white scaly kind) or if it will just remain the way that it is now.  I live in the hell of constant pain. Yet I  don't think that it is much easier to  live with the constant visible hell of a skin disease.  Sometimes my hell is made worse by the fact that it is invisible.  However if the visibility of it were to look like some people I've seen in the misery of horrific sores and flakiness of their skin, I would vote that it would remain invisible.
If you suffer from  severe psoriasis,my heart goes out to you.  I think that is one disease that  may be worse than  RA.   However I have both. Both the pain and joint deterioration as well as the skin problems.  But I really do not count my mild case as anything near like some of you suffer.

I just ordered a six pack of coal tar soap as well as a bottle of coal tar shampoo.  Why would I want to smell like a newly paved road in the summer sun?   Well because it works.  For me, the soap works almost instantly.  I do need to keep washing my face or body with it  constantly until the flair goes away....but it's a small price to pay.  For me the smell reminds me of living in Hackensack  New Jersey,where they were always paving roads  and the smell of them in the summer was like the fragrance of my youth. lol...romantic, right?

Right now I"m waiting for the bus (as I already mentioned) to take me to my rheumatologist who treats my RA, PsA, and Sj.  It will be good to show him this little flair up on my face....usually they do not get a chance to see it "in action"....

I don't know what to  say as to whether or not my Actemra is working in relieving my joint pain. I think  it has made the mobility in my hands better, although they still hurt. My SI joints have been horrible. At first I thought it was my hips that were hurting....however since both hips have been replaced and are not yet due to be replaced, I think it is caused by my Sacral Illiac joints....And the pain from that is like being kicked hard in the behind with every step that I take. This is bad news because other than steroid/anesthetic injections in  the lower spine, there is nothing they can do about this kind of pain.  They cannot replace those joints. And those injections historically are completely ineffective for me.  This pain is going to make it impossible to go anywhere without my wheelchair.  Yesterday my friend Ralph was going to take me to the grocery store....but first we stopped in Staples.  What I needed was in the back corner of the store.  Halfway there, the pain in my behind was excruciating.  Limping badly, I got my item and then struggled to get to the front of the store.  I told Ralph that the grocery store was out of the question....but here were about 5 items I really needed...So I stayed in the car and Ralph picked up my items.  I could not use the scooter because my shoulder is still in a a sling and I could not steer nor pick up things off the shelves.

From now on I will have to always use the online order/delivery service a local store offers. What a blessing that is turning out to be!  I would be completely stuck without it.  Some months ago I lost my handicapped placard for the car parking.  I have no idea if I left it in someone's car or if it is in some bag or pocketbook I have here.....I've looked in most of them....all of them that I could think of...with not luck. I will have to see about getting a new one.

This has been a very chit chatty post. I just wanted  to update you on how things have been for me physically.  Low back pain, SI pain, monthly IV infusions, psoriasis, shoulder replacement, crippled hands...and over all and in all and through all have been the loving hands of God, meeting my needs, giving me strength for each challenge day after day. Please continue to pray for me....and if you have a need for prayer that I can help you with please either leave a comment or email it to me. cynthialottvogel@gmail.com  I promise to be faithful in praying for you.  I have a long prayer list and I got through it at least once a day.

God bless you all and thanks for reading.



Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Books and Devotions


I have,once more, made some efforts in the direction of publishing my book. I've now been working on a proposal which can be up to 50 pages. Fortunately, some of those 50 pages is comprised of three chapters from my book. Right now I'm working on polishing up a chapter that I'd written but never incorporated into the manuscript...so now I'm working on doing that: editing it and incorporating it into the main body of the book.

Thus far, this year, I have been consistent in my Bible reading,study, and prayer....The greatest help has been my Kindle Fire...It is so much easier to have all that material right at my finger tips.I even have an alarm set on it to remind me.  And I love it that now when I say to someone "I will pray for you" not only do I sincerely intend to do it....I will follow through because of my "Prayer Warrior"App.I think I found this in Amazon's App store and I love it.  It is very simple to use, but that is good: You don't want the bells and whistles of the app to interfere with your purpose, which is to bring people, events, and needs to the Lord in prayer.

I am also using the Bible Gateway website's app to read through the Bible in a year. The portions to be read are manageable and somehow it seems easier to do this on the Kindle than in the book.Last year I attempted to do it using John MacArthur's Annual Study Bible and somehow kept getting lost as I attempted to click my way through the daily readings. It just occurred to me that I may have opted to get through the Bible in TWO years this time, rather than in one. I'm not sure.Even if I did though, it is worth it to really delve more into the reading and not getting overwhelmed by the bulk of the passages.

I have also subscribed to some of the CrossWalk devotionals to be sent to my email daily.  In the past I had written devotions for a daily internet devotional publisher...I wrote maybe 5 or 6 of them...but then kind of let that fall by the wayside. It would be nice to write devotionals again.There's a certain mindset you need to do that. And I have let that door in my mind slam shut on my "devotional thoughts."  Why  is that? Is it that I no longer think deeply enough about my life and my readings and Scripture?

I think I have stopped really meditating...on life, God, relationships and His Word. How do I get back into that mindset?  I need to take time to really cogitate --chew the cud--on God's Word.  From today on, I am  going to try to meditate for 10-15 minutes following my Bible reading.  I'm going to ask God to open my thoughts and ears, and eyes to what it is he wants to tell me today....and then ask him what he wants ME to tell OTHERS about him.


Saturday, February 22, 2014

WWWhoa, Oh No. Vulnerable Me

My thoughts have been going all over like ping pong balls.I have just started following a blog written by a woman named "Amy"as she is on a journey to attain health (a good weight) and vulnerability on the way.  I copied something from her last blog...Here it is:

Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings.  Just as the core or mid section of your body stabilizes your upper and lower extremities, vulnerability is the center of the very being you are, like it or not.  How or if you choose to use it is entirely up to you.
To believe vulnerability is a weakness is to believe that feeling emotion is a weakness.
(http://leanwellness.org/2014/02/so-you-are-saying-vulnerability-is-a-good-thing-part-3-of-3-my-reality/)
 

Good stuff right?  It reminds me of some of the stuff I've ready by Tony Penia - the author of blog and book series on faith and a fit body, called "PrayFit" as he incorporates being physically fit with being in good shape spiritually as well.

Vulnerability has become one of the support posts of my "building"...it is integral to who I am.  I am often honest to a fault (as I was in my last post here when I let my hair down to the degree that I could have been hurtful to people as I expressed my opinions.)

I have posted some pics of myself on this blog which were quite hideous--from when I was in the throes of mental illness. Someone "kindly" wrote to me and "suggested" that I remove these pics as they felt I should be embarrassed by them and they truly did not reflect myself in a positive light.  So I "kindly" responded and said, "Hey, these pics are real.  And the current pic is real also...which means that I have come a long way in my journey and that is something  I am proud of....You want me to feel shame for the way my illness has been reflected in my appearance?, Well I will not.  I had no control back then of how I looked.  I praise God that he has enabled me to restore my appearance now....so basically :go take a hike" (well I was a little kinder than that...but not by much :)

You know, if you're read my blog for any length of time, that I am vulnerable to a fault. I wrote,rambling, paragraphs in inanity....born of insanity...and shortly thereafter was hospitalized. One of my best, most respected friends suggested I remove those prior posts....and once more I refused.  Yes. Vulnerable.  I put myself "out there" because I have a mental illness. It is real.  Just like it is real to hundreds of thousands of other people with this disease.  I wanted my readers to see that someone with schizophrenia can be far away from making sense...and just a week or four following a medication adjustment can be high functioning and write coherent articles on their past experience.

My weight?  Yes. I have lost 70 pounds and regained them.  Steroids have done me in....People look at someone who weighs as much as I do --with disdain. I can hear their thoughts. "Thank you Lord that I do not look like her."  "Don't you have ANY self control?"  And  I sometimes look in the mirror and want to slap myself too. But I know...I do NOT eat enough to weigh what I weigh. My body and the medications I take have destroyed my metabolism...and have tricked my brain into thinking I am constantly famished.

I want a T-shirt that says, "I'm fat and it's not my fault"  but that is really just avoiding the vulnerability that I need to walk down the street in my XXL clothes and meeting the eyes of those who try to avert their gaze when my eyes catch theirs and SMILING at them.  Vulnerability is needed when the nurse at one of my doctors' offices says "hop up on the scales" and  I smile wondering what would happen to the scale if I "Hopped" up on it!!

Vulnerability is me talking to you about all this stuff, knowing that I do not know all of  you...but I know SOME of you and what I say can and will be held against me.  :)
Vulnerability is coming to God's feet and prostrating myself there saying "God, I blew it.  Again." And then telling him that with his help, next time I will do better--but knowing that in my human weakness, I may NOT do better, but that even then....His gaze will not rest on me but on the wounded hands of his son, my Savior, and it will be OK.  Even then.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Green Eyed Cindy

(a note: for those of you who got your hands on an early version of this post, I want to beg forgiveness.I said some inexcusable things and I apologize....I have edited the post and wish to retract the one that went out to people's emails or to those of you who saw it early one. Sometimes I can be such a jerk!)


You know where I am most uncomfortable? It's in a group of women...especially a group of laughing/giggling women.  I attended a Women of Faith conference once in New Haven.  I was sick as a dog with bronchitis.  I was standing (barely) when they stood to sing songs but I was unable to sing....couldn't even breathe because of my asthma..and
some woman poked in my in the back and hissed "SING!"Did I turn around and give her the finger?  No I didn't...but believe me: I wanted to.

At one time I joined the group of woman bloggers and was immediately out of my element. It was a group of homeschooling, baby-toting, recipe-trading sacks of walking estrogen. I immediately got more blog traffic, which soon dwindled as on my blog they found an estrogen-free zone and they found thatI'm not always Holy and Sweet.
...Please understand. I still read Lysa Terhearst and Ann Voskamp....I love my sweet friend Sara (Gitzen Girl)Frankl who, frequented these websites, wrote for them and hung out with virtual friends who crossed the line and went from "vitual" to "real life" friendships...Sara was an exception...a marvelous woman with the ability to laugh and giggle and yes also to speak and write in a depth born only of suffering. I will miss her always...among the thousands of her other friends who think of her often and pray she is healthy and happy in the heaven she inhabits with her Lord.

I hope I do not offend anyone by this post. I also am friends with some such women and love them very much, I think my feelings about these ladies were birthed in my schooldays...when the giggling lovelies had all kinds of plans for after school or study hall fun...and well, I was not included. These were the years when my mental illness was just beginning to be manifested and I was being taken from doctor to doctor,...no time or desire for parties.I loved school...the work, the art room...but never ever any parties except for three graduation  parties...and two of those were at the homes of male friends. I'm not a Tomboy...I am 100% female.Except for my brain which I am certain is a male brain. I am HORRIBLY uncomfortable in a room of snorting and giggles.And now am uncomfortable in a room full of preggo moms, dirty diapers, homeschooling women...of course now I'm old enough to be the MOM of these women...is that possible?  Maybe my discomfiture is the result of being older (more mature)  than these sweet girls.  Truth is...the women who ARE my age dye their hair and get manicures weekly so they PASS for the 30-something that they no longer are. Me? I just let the years show...hair au natural, fingernails chipped and broken.  Dry feet...altogether "YUCK"....getting DRESSED for me is a huge accomplishment....the rest will have to swing.


For me, whose life consists of managing pain and a body that no longer cooperates with exercises or even walking across my own house--I deal with loneliness daily.  I am more than a little jealous of the life Sara Frankl had....Yes she suffered. So do I...and I have three diseases of the type she had.But Sara was FUN according to everything I've read.  The only people I'm FUN with are my daughter and her boyfriends.  Why is that? Well largely because I live in the midst of a heartbreakingly miserable marriage. And every single day there is pain and that is a joy sucker as well.

I've invited some people over to drink of my immense collection of teas...so far two people have come....at one time I tried to start a Tea and Prayer group...we met two or three times and other than admiring the refreshments and tea accoutrements and the variety of teas...there was a LOT of chit chat and very LITTLE prayer.

Maybe the problem was that I am not a real P31 woman...who am I then?I think I am Mary of the Mary/Martha/Lazarus trio.The Mary of the broken alabaster box of pure nard,,,That's the Mary who loved deeply -the Lord and her brother Lazarus ...and the Master: Jesus.Mary with the heart broken by love, who sat at the Master's feet and anointed them with tears and wiped them with hair..
Mary who believed Jesus would heal and was not understanding when he did not...until she saw that he did not intend to heal...he intended to restore lost life.I think this is the woman I identify most with...And also Abigail the wife of King David who was married to an cruel idiot who died...and then married by David...only to watch David fall in love with Bathsheba (unless Abigail was already dead herself by then.)  Abigail worked hard and thought hard and was handsomely rewarded (the play on words was intentional).

So am I giving these women a bad rap? Maybe they are just young. Maybe they are just in a different life phase than I. Maybe I am just jealous.I do not fit in.Maybe they are holier than I. Maybe I am just jealous because their hardships seem like vacations to me. I don't know.  I do get the sense of being left out...a Hagar crying under a bush, abandoned by her husband and his wife....and yet  not abandoned by God...the God Who Sees Me. Yahweh el roi

Or maybe I am just really a female brand of Job. My husband says "curse God and die" and I groan in my pain and say "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.  Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."
Honestly the story of Job fits my life more truly than the lives of the mentioned women.

I would like a friend.  A friend-- not to suck the life out of them or treat them like a chauffeur.--A friend to drink tea with, go shopping with...tell secrets to...and ok...giggle with. There just don't seem to be any takers....maybe people are just too busy to have friends or maybe I will have to settle for my online friends.  real people in real places...all far away.And trust God-- to worship and adore him. It wouldn't hurt though to pray for a friend.A real life woman enough like me to commune and enough different than me to add interest and spice. Or maybe I DO have friends. It's just that they are all so danged busy.

For those of you who consider yourselves to be my friends: You are! I was just trying to decide whether or not to join an online Biblestudy led by these P31W and I got carried away on the wings of jealousy...and overlooked the blessings I have right at my feet...in my own life. God will reward each of you for the time you've given me and the laughs we've shared together. Please forgive me for my jealous words.  I've forgotten to be grateful for what God has given me and I will be forever grateful for my 21 year old daughter who is the best friend I will ever have.  Envy and discontent are ugly, aren't they?  I will try to relegate them to the depths of the sea where they belong with all our other confessed sins.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Prayer Prompts

I used to pray FERVENTLY and DAILY....sometimes staying up all night long on my knees or with my face to the floor.  However after15  treatments of ECT my shortterm memory was badly damaged and now it is very hard for me to recall prayer requests...It was even hard for me to remember to carry a notebook around with me....So now when people say to me "you are such a woman of prayer" or "please pray for me...I know you will..."  I would be filled with guilt. It wasn't that I didn't care or didn't want to pray.  I just COULDN'T.

So this past Christmas my husband gave me a gift that is wonderful in more ways than he knows.He gave me a Kindle Fire tablet. And on Amazon I found an APP called "prayer warrior" and it has a place to enter the name of the person and the specifics of their request and a place to enter the date that their request was answered.  For some reason this clicked with me. I either entered the request immediately or the next time I picked up my Kindle.  I have been faithful to pray through my growing prayer list at least once and even more than once a day.

I received this article in today's Crosswalk in my email.  This lady found her own method of recollecting the prayer needs around her.  If you don't have a kindle maybe this method will work for you....Prayer Prompts

Whatever the method, don't give up.  Ask God to give you your own method of recalling to pray.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Good News of RevelationThe Good News of Revelation by Larry Helyer

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


The Good  News of Revelation
Larry Helyer
Ed Cyzewski
In the introduction of this  book, promises were made that it would not be another book to scare you silly when talking about the final battle between good and evil and the judgment of men, both believers and unbelievers. The writers did say that they believe that Christians will have to face the tribulation but that  God's wrath against mankind would not touch his  children, although there would still be much to endure at the hands of men and the need  for perseverance  will remain. However  we may draw comfort from God's promises-especially those where he promises never to leave us or forsake us.

The book had two or three scenes where the first Christians were dealing with persecution from the Romans and I must say that these scenes added life and color to the book...Were they  not there it would have been tough  going  to discern between the authors' beliefs and  Scripture's teachings on the topics of persecution  and the questions as to whether or not hell is a place of interminable suffering or whether those being punished would be extinguished along with hell's fire and  Death itself.

It was a short book that covered a lot of material. I enjoyed reading it....especially the scenes I mentioned before where there were characters created to help give  life to the book and its  theories.
I do feel that the topic of the last days was only briefly touched upon.   It seemed that they did not anticipate literal dragons  and did not anticipate that  Christians would be affected by the mass destruction of mankind and by the horrible natural disasters in the last days  But here, I may have completely misunderstood this point.   They did not spend much time on it or serve to clear up any fogginess in the future.`
I do wish there was a little more clarity on these issues toward the end of the  book. The book was interesting, well written, and made at least this  reader  think a bit-- if only to question some of my beliefs which were engendered by such books as "Left Behind" and "A Thief in the Night" as well as  several hellfire and brimstone sermons from my childhood that made me leave the light on at night for some weeks. 
Times will be difficult.  If you live in Sudan or other middle East countries and you are a Christian: times are already tough.  The good news is that  he who is in us and with us, is greater than he who is in them and he has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. ...NO MATTER WHAT.




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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

a Pained Post

I was just reading "Encouragement for Today" put out by P31 (Proverbs 31 Ministries)....and the devotional was put out by Crosswalk. The woman, Glynnis Whitwer,bemoaned the fact that she is limited in being creative in how she celebrates holidays in her family or for her friends. And she then proceeded to list a whole bunch of creative ideas. I went to her blog...and found it to be a BEAUTIFUL blog with a gorgeous custom header....Now either Glynnis paid someone to be creative for her--or she is just blind to her creativity.

I am supposed to be an artist....and my blog is boring as spit.  I think I'm going to  have to spend a little time and work on this blog's presentation. It's about time, yeah?

I do not feel well this morning. My whole arm hurts--not just my shoulder. And I have a bad headache...probably springing from my neck pain....which is made worse by the sling constantly pulling on my neck. All of this does not lead me to exercise my lagging creativity...It just makes me want to crawl back into bed.

My brain is set to "idle"--I'm sitting here with my fingers on the keys and I cannot get over the pain hurdle....so maybe I will hand you a raincheck....come back soon and hopefully by then I will feel better and will discover that I actually DO have something to say.I heartily wish you a wonderful day today. Later, my friends

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Some Words on my Surgery and on RD awareness day.

I do apologize for my long silence....Those of you who'd been following the blog here would have realized that it was due to my shoulder replacement surgery almost two weeks ago, that has kept me away from the keyboard.

Pain was quite extreme from this surgery....just as I'd anticipated due to the warnings other people gave me. This did not come as a surprise.  This coming Thursday I am getting my staples taken out and my first look at the UN-bandaged incision....He put a water resistant bandage on with instructions to keep it on and to go ahead and shower.I'm glad not to have to deal with cleaning the wound and re-bandaging it or putting cellophane on my arm to shower.I still need help showering as well as dressing and undressing.  My daughter has stepped up to the plate and has been wonderful about helping me....The times when  Iwoke her up numerous times in one night, crying in pain...she was frustrated at her limitations or her inability to make  it better.  But she really DID make it better.Sometimes all you need is for someone to hold your hand and  cry with you. Thank you, Sweetheart for your help and please forgive me for ever doubting that you would  do all that you could to help me in my distress.

A friend of mine had an elbow  replaced and now it is infected and they've had to scoop out all the infected  cement and bone and she  is now looking at a very real possibility that she will lose the use of that arm.This is the scenario that has haunted my surgeon.....I hope I never face this  but it can happen at any time....even years down the road.

This is a family of diseases from hell. RA,  PsA.  Sj. and for me: glaucoma.And the fact that people just do not have any kind of understanding at all about how  horrific this pain and suffering  is...just makes it all that worse.
Today is RD Awareness Day for Rheumatoid Diseases. Please Google it. Please look up  the RAWARRIOR.com for a wealth of information put out by one very brave lady..Kelly Young. It is largely because of her efforts that there is now an RD Foundation which seeks to benefit those who suffer....and to inform those who do not have a clue.