Thank you my Lord

At this time of year we are often brought face to face with our debt of gratitude that we owe to God.

¹⁶ I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remember
ing you in my prayers. Eph 1:16

Is there someone you regularly pray for? A missionary, a minister, your spouse and children?  Do not forget, in your list of needs and desires on their behalf, to give thanks for them and their role in your life. I believe that in the outpouring of your intercession and thankfulness for them that the intercession is actually fueled by your gratitude.

It is the power cell that brightens your path of of prayer.  Have you ever experienced this:  While you are interceding if you first began by giving thanks for every benefit this person has been to you personally or who has unlocked the doors of blessing for others to whom this person ministers...as you praise God for his role in this life, he will open your eyes to new areas of need and new things for which to give thanks. It is a glorious tangle of Christmas tree lights...you are not sure where it begins or where it ends...they are all connected to one power source, all are beautiful and the darkness only serves to display their beauty more.

God takes the raw material...us, his servants, and the needs we encounter and for which we rely on him and those who are daily at prayer for us...and he arranges us, our needs, our usefulness to Him, our strengths, our areas of need for protection and power against the wiles of the Enemy--all are parts of a glorious composition...a panoply of strengths and a parade of our armor--all used to shine with with the brightness of thanksgiving, paraded for his good pleasure and the luminosity of the strong prayer he leads us to pray--all send the enemy packing.

Thanksgiving is strong...it is strong in battle.  But it is sometimes quiet...a nail-bitten clenched hand...It is in these times that Thanksgiving is hard work.It is in these times that when we persist....when we thank him when all we want to do is to turn our back and climb back into bed...when we offer the sacrifice of praise through tear streaked cheeks...It is these times I believe that are most precious to God.

I am reminded of Jacob striving with the angel of the Lord...he persisted..would not let the angel go until he blessed Jacob.  The angel finally crippled Jacob by wounding his hip and then he did deliver the blessing Jacob sought.  That place Jacob called '"Penuel" meaning "the face of God."  I have always referred to my  quiet time with God as"Penuel" for it is here that I encounter God and he shows me his face.(not his literal face..mankind cannot endure that...but he shows me who he is...and what he wants of me..), He is there to listen to my pleas and to accept my praise and thanksgiving and to show me my next step.

 
Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Rom 7:25

Praise the Lord.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever. Psalm 106:1

We praise you, God,
    we praise you, for your Name is near;
   Psa. 75:1a

 Why do we thank God? He is eternally good and forever loving. And his Name is near.Wejuststudied in church some of the names of God...and all that those Names mean is right at our hand.  His name is not far off...it's as near as your next breath....Do you understand the implications of that? Do you understand the power that is right at hand? Or the hand that softly wipes our tears:it is NEAR.

Praise him for that.  Thank Him for that.

Pain Pain : here to stay

Right now I'm in the midst of re-assessing pain meds.  I would like to go off of them....I'm sick of explaining myself to people as to the severity of my pain and why I am kowtowing to pain management doctors.  I am tired of explaining my pain.  I am tired of worrying about whether or not my pain meds will be available when I need them in the future.   Is there something inherently more noble in those who refuse pain meds?  Or are they just surfing in on a wave of pain and are they more strong?  Would I really be more independent if I didn't take narcs?  I remember long tearful nights in the days just prior to going on to constant morphine...No sleep. Nothing accomplished in the day.....just getting through one moment at a time.  Is that noble? Or just stupid?  Some people are so much holier than thou if I use pain meds and they don't.  Is suffering when you don't have to, noble?

I'll tell you what.  If I could get rid of my PM guy  I would be very happy. Maybe that alone is benefit enough to warrant a serious detox.  It would make it much clearer as to how well the biologic is working also. I don't need narcs muddying the waters. So yeah..I think I do need to  get off them.  I have an appointment with the PM guy next week.  Do I keep the appointment and tell him my plans?  There was some kind of med he can use to reduce the pain of detox.  I think I will check that out.

Is there something inherently dignified and admirable in suffering? Is there something admirable in refusing tried and true means of reducing pain?  Does it make you a "warrior?"  It DOES give you wrinkles and gray hair. And according to that pain doc whose site I once  read on here...Pain shortens your life. it is a life shortening , life threatening process....It brings on heart disease and wear and tear on all the organs.  I used to be all proud and cocky  about my unmitigated pain...But really.  I think when I'm weighing this out for myself, Pain is not inherently good. Suffering pain is not inherently noble.  So there must be some other motive for quitting the meds. 

I would have to say that just the ability to get rid of one more doctor, can only be a good thing.  It will save me $40 a month....Plus the cost of gas and food.  And too , I need not worry about not having meds available to me in the chaos of the  new healthcare package when every thing becomes a cause for concern and when the same people who seek to take guns out of the arena will also be hell bent on ridding the world of narcotics (even those used for medicinal purposes...) I do not want to have any area of dependency....I do not want to empower ANYONE to make me miserable..  If I'm miserable it will be a misery of my own making....One that I can manage and control.  It's for this reason that I drink decaf coffee..... I do not want anyone to have the power to give me a headache.Therefore. I will not yield to a caffeine addiction. 

With pain drugs however, the picture changes.  It's not because of the limitations put on me by the drug that makes me miserable (although it certainly can)....It is the limitation  of the pain itself that limits me.  So there is a subtle , yet profound difference here.  Where lies your greatest limits?  Is it the pain or the drug to treat the pain that we trip over in our quest for independence?  That question must be answered on a case by case basis.  If it is pain that keeps you bound, then it makes sense to put up with some difficulty and annoyance that being medically dependent on a drug can bring.  If it is your efforts to procure meds that keeps you running in circles and not performing at your best and at odds with your doctors....Then honey, you need to get off those drugs and invest in life.

I am medically dependent on a very powerful narcotic.  However,other than  trying to remember to take it twice a day, I do not think about the drug again until my next dose.  I do not enjoy it. It does NOTHING to me or for me except to make my pain more tolerable.  I am not a junkie.  Or a "user" or a "seeker"  I would be very happy to be rid of this drug...however if it must be then it must be that I take it in order to participate in life on any level whatsoever.

Two things P*** me off.  1) is some organization , law, or mindset that dictates that because I use this drug I am then "a user"....they are using two very different meanings of the same word to make an invalid point.
2)  Some person with chronic pain---whether to a small or great  degree--who thinks that because they forgo the drug, they are somehow more noble than I.  I"ll see your pain and raise you four.  Pain is not a
competition.  It is an unholy hell of a condition that must be dealt with in any manner we can find effective.  The decision about how to fight your personal battle with pain, is a personal one.  And NO one has any right to  comment on your method of war, unless you truly ARE a user....in which case, you belong in a rehab.

I've been to hell and back. I've experienced more pain in the past 30 years than anyone should have to. I've fought with the narcotics...I've fought without  reprieve.  I have had morphine pumps implanted in my abdomen and found even there, that the relief is short lived. Once more I am in a place where i'm reconsidering my tactics....But that is up to me.  And I think that when I arrive at a conclusion...I will not be discussing it with anyone.  It just is nobody's biz.

Hate me; Hate my blog

I just looked at the date on my last post. 11/06/13...I apologize.  But maybe I need to mostly apologize for not having any thoughts to share, more than for not writing at all.  I've stopped reading.  Writing.  Thinking. almost stopped praying...I have been knitting.

Knitting makes a good substrate for the colors of prayer.  However my colors are minimal...a limited palette. The Lover of my soul is waiting to hear from me...dare I turn away?  Not just "dare I"but "Am I stupid enough to "?

On one of my forums recently they were surveying the participants to see how many of us blog. Oddly it was just me and one of the moderators who do.  And even more odd was the antagonism some people held toward bloggers. It was as though every owner of every banal thought put together a blog based on the mundaness of their existance and held the web surfer at knife point insisting that they read every painful account of every trivial matter in the blogger's life.

If this is how you see me....well,you would be partly right.  A lot of what I say is banal and trivial. However sometimes what STARTS as nothing can gain steam and end up with some important insight.  This is how art is born.  A tired line.  Some chalky smudges....and then steam gathers...and intensity builds and suddenly your substrate is singing. 

I rarely have an idea when I start out of where I will end up.  But almost always I begin with my hip boots on plodding in the mire of my days...I'm sorry if it tires you to get stuck in my life. Truth is: it tires me as well...But It's what I have.  It's where and who I am. What is the purpose of a blog? Isn't it to get to know someone you would otherwise never meet?  Isn't it to view their take on life, faith, art...challenges...?  If you want theory go read doctrine.  If you want to view a person....read their biography.  If you want to KNOW a person....read their blog.  The knowledge is not always flattering. 
Sometimes I whine.
Often I flounder.
But I promise, I'm real.
And I promise you are excused from reading another word if you feel that you are drowning in my life.
I write to meet you.
I write to find myself.
I write to meet God and show you my discoveries of Him.  You are always welcome to join me. 

In Hospital--AGAIN

The day that I wrote my last post (4 days ago Nov1)  I started to cough and have trouble breathing.  I called on Monday to the doc's office and he put me on oral steroids.  However yesterday (Wed the 5th)  my wheezing was audible....My husband had been telling me for days to go to the hospital. Yesterday was the first day I  was convinced.  I called my doctor's office and the nurse knew I was in trouble...she could hear the wheezes over the phone.

So here I am at the brand new medical center where my husband works. On boatloads of medicine...Regretting that I'd just made two jars of soy yogurt in my fridge at home.  It should last for a week or two....maybe longer.  I guesstimate that I will be in here for a week at least.  Less than that would be fine but I know it's important to slowly wean me from the steroids to avoid terrible pain. I hope I do not end up with too much muscle damage from the steroids...I don't want to have to go to rehab after this.  That would just suck. 

The holidays are coming and even though that does not mean as much in my home as I would like....I still look forward to them.  I even look forward to our wacky ritual of going out for sushi for Thanksgiving at a nice restaurant and then going to a movie.  Last year we went to see "Lincoln" and we all enjoyed it.  This year there may be a different boyfriend accompanying my  daughter....although I don't know...she may abscond to his house, which would make us very sad.

I guess I should begin my Christmas shopping
I have NO idea what anyone wants...even  me....Not sure at all.  Must mean I don't need anything. I was just reading a review of SparkPeople's new activity counter called "The Spark" and it automatically tracks your days activities and the calories you burned and it wirelessly downloads the info onto Sparks trackers online.  It sounds painless  and  accurate. And it save a lot of work spent  tracking.  Maybe that will motivate me to get moving again.

For now, my pain is diminishing!! I think that the Actemra is working!!  Even my destroyed shoulders are not hurting...even when typing in bed.  My hands are only slightly sore....I think my SI is still an issue as is my neck. But all in all I'm very happy.   Still suffer from fatigue but have not  been napping quite as much.  I still sleep for 10-11 hours at night...but that's okay.  If you call me at 8:00 PM and I sound grouchy or out of it, you'll know you called too late. But with the  diminished pain I am really hoping to get moving again.  Of course the first order of business is to get the asthma taken care of...Right now I can't walk the 5 feet into my bathroom even WITH oxygen on.

So this is an update.  I have a question for  YOU....What do you want for Christmas? I don't guarantee that I will send it to you but maybe your ideas will inspire me.

De-Junkifying

Ever had the seven-year-clutter?  (my mom used to call me the "7-year Itch"- don't ask me why, but I suspect it wasn't flattering). Well we've lived in this house for seven years (I think) and it's gotten to the point where it's hard to walk across a room without tripping. So I called my dad (After I made several piles of junk) and he came over with an empty pickup truck. Several hours later, he left with a FULL bed of yesterday's treasures.  And the scary part is, the house is not perceptively any different. Well it's true that the piles are gone. It's true that the stacks of boxes on the porch and in the garage are, for the most part, gone.

Do you ever wonder if your heart gets cluttered like your house?

What would that look like to others? Well for one thing, when a needy, hurting friend asks you over for coffee,you should not have to look four months ahead in your iPhone calendar.

If your "favorite" chatchka" falls and bursts into a million pieces...or your iPhone decides to take a bath with you---You need not sob for hours and feel badly for days and days.  The are, after all, things and not people.
And if you say something cruel or heartless to a friend and you do NOT weep for days....you might want to assess your priorities.

What do you do if the last two examples are true of you?  What is the cure?
I was convicted one time several years ago. (okay 10 years ago) that my possessions owned ME and not the other way around.  So in my heart.....I gave them  ALL to Jesus. And then I invited my friend over and said to her after giving her a tour of my possessions.  "TAKE what you want of what I own....what I own is yours."  Now my friend was too embarrassed to take anything more meaningful than to take a teapot from my collection of teapots and one or two other items...I don't even recall what. But I discovered that to give my friend free reign over my possessions, it meant that I had to  give every one of them to her mentally...dethroning them from my heart. And I would dare say that this should be done every ten years....as a good housekeeping measure for my heart.

I once did something very heartless to my best friend.  At the time it seemed like no big deal.  But it made her cry.   And now ...years later, I approached her on Facebook with my apologies...heartfelt and sincere apologies....and I discovered that some things are unforgivable....because she did not respond to my apology. Now this was caused by a clutter in my heart... a heart that did not understand the value of friendship and how badly you can hurt someone...just by carelessness.  My friend will not set me free by forgiving me....so the only thing I can do is take it to Jesus. Tell him, I know he died for my sin....and that in his eyes, I am forgiven.  But it is not really the same thing as it would be if my friend would forgive me.

Things like these clutter our hearts.  They leave it in a tangle. And sometimes it is very hard to free yourself from the "ties that bind" you. It is important then and again to assess our hearts....and our lives....and if you find that meaningless things own you....then you really need to do a little housekeeping.

Here is a song that summarizes what I've been saying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qx8tFO7Plm8

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,   
   In His presence daily live.
   • Refrain:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

Source: Faith Publishing House, Evening Light Songs, 1949, edited 1987 (