Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Progress toward Holiness

Today....I'm on my next to last Medrol pill.  Tomorrow is the last day.  Pain has been creeping back into my joints and tendons.  I went to the grocery store today and used the scooter.
But that is just my body....what's the state of my soul?  I just read a book  recommended to me by a good pastor friend.  I finished it this morning and was so  filled with thoughts I had to put them down in a page on my computer...and also did some things long hand.  I underlined like mad in my newish Bible.  My concern is that I'm just sailing through my days not paying much attention to the state of my soul.  There have GOT to be issues that God wants me to deal with...But I do not think about it.  I do not pray for God to transform me....I've decided that this is something I need to begin doing.  I don't want to end up at the entrance to heaven wearing old messed up clothes with a sin-filled character that has never experience the discipline of God.

The author of the book, Mansions of the Heart by R Thomas Ashbrook.... The book takes the book by Saint Teresa, the Interior Castle and her 7 stages of the soul on the was to their becoming transformed . It talks about challenges they face and the difficulties and also the rewards.

Here is a quote, "Communion with God discovers the excellence of His character and by beholding HIm the soul is transformed .   Holiness is conformity with God." As I read the example tales of two people and their spiritual development, it gave me very clear insight as to what I am up against.  We are told that we must be in the "habit of prayer" and it is by this practice that we are able to behold the holiness of God and the changes within us are ones that we have begun to understand.....

My internet was not working this morning ....so instead of chatting away my morning, I gazed on Jesus and studied the scriptures that Tom Ashbrook used in his book and underlined them and read and re-read them.  At the conclusion of the book the author listed quite a number of books that we may study further.  I intend to do that.  Once I finish Matt Chandler's new book.

I had such peace this morning.   I recall devotions -- getting up at 4:00 or 5:00 so as to be undisturbed in past years and beheld all the yearning and nostalgia I had about those mornings.  And it is possible again.  My goal?  I want to look like; to think like my Lord.  For all my bleating about going to heaven SOON..I clearly see that I need to all the great surgeon a chance to work on my heart before he calls me the join him in Heaven.

A man by the name of Bengal said this  -- as prayerfulness  produces a singular serenity of spirit.  "WE are built up into a recollected consciousness of God. " I desire that . I want my prayer life to be infused with power...I want it to cleanse my spirit....to fill and nurture me....and most of all, I want to look like my Lord.   I want to greet him in  the morning with the joy a honeymooner may feel when she opens her eyes and sees her beloved sleeping  next to her.  And it is possible.  In fact it is what my Lord wants.

I know there are things in me that displease my Lord.  I want to be rid of them and instead to progress with the goal in mind of transformation...I used to think that  I had already passed through the "Dark Night of the Soul"  But I did not.  I passed through clinical depression and periods of wanton sin....which darkness is much greater and serves less purpose than does someone with a heart  that is bent on self destruction.

I am goign to go back to writing in my little notebooks and from now on the morning belongs to  the Lord ...and hopefully soon I will learn to use them to the greatest benefit.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Great News and Answered Prayers

I'm not sure when I last wrote or what I said...so pardon me if I repeat or skip anything.
I've been sidelined since a week ago on Sunday with horrible pain and exhaustion  ...I suffered with it until last Friday I called the doc and he put me on a taper of medrol (which is a steroid). I was nervous about taking it because I do not normally respond well to steroids.  I tried going out on Saturday but exhausted myself and was in much pain ...Then today (MON)  I suddenly realized when I took a shower without my daughter's help that I had much more mobility and a reduction of pain.  The only things hurting now are my shoulders and my neck.  My lower back and the troublesome SI joint are all better.  Isn't that amazing?  This is the least pain I've had in many years.  It's sad because I will soon be off of the steroid taper and the pain will return.  However I am hoping that then they can quickly begin the Actemra and I will get some relief from that. 

If nothing works they may put me on long term steroids I imagine but I have problems with muscle damage when on long term steroids and it could mean having to go into a wheelchair again which is not an option because my house is not wheelchair friendly.   So if I'm on steroids, the minute I feel weakness, I have to get off of them quickly.

Today I did some light cleanup jobs around the house....and went out with my Case Manager.  Now I am tired.  I hope I can sleep tonight.  I think I will....I felt very energetic before but I'm fading fast so maybe there is a chance for me to sleep tonight.

I have nothing much else to report except that the day I got hit with this flare was the day following two consecutive days of prayer for me at church and with two friends.  I questioned God's timing...seemed rude of him to slap me wiht all this pain with the prayers still fresh in God's ears...but maybe he hurt me in order to bless me.  He was setting me up to have this vacation from pain...and it's a gift greatly welcomed.  Don't try to out guess God...we do not always know what he is doing...but his schedule is just right for us.  We just have to wait it out and see what's really the big picture.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Prayers within and without

Today a Pastor friend of mine (who was a friend before he got called to be a full time pastor) met with me accompanied by a friend who is also a warrior in prayer.  We went to my now favorite "watering hole"  which is a coffee shop /thrift shop all for the benefit of the local food pantry....It has quirky design for its decor....made up of vinyl records and also record jackets of some of the world's most well known jazz and blues artists.  There is also a liberal amount of the work of the artist who's shop/gallery is right upstairs from the thrift store...And nicely, the proprietors are all friends...children run about but are well behaved.  And the lady artist is the girl friend of the male collage artist and they also help to run the shop

That's a long introduction but fairly necessary for where I'm going with this.  My pastor friend has met with me twice so far with the woman friend accompanying him, the first time in my house...but family was up and about here so we decided to go instead to the coffee shop.

So after talking for a while and drinking some beverages we began to pray; the pastor on my right shoulder and the lady friend's hand on my left shoulder and at a pause I opened my eyes and to my amazement, the lady proprietor had seated herself by my lady friend and had her hand on my friend and her head bowed in prayer.  I was surprised and pleased.  I don't know what this lady's faith background is but she followed her inclination to join us  We then chatted briefly before leaving.

I needed the prayer.  I don't recall if there was prayer for my physical and constant pain but I know there was prayer for wisdom as to what treatment to pursue.  I also wanted prayer that God would begin a work in my heart and life. That he would move in the backho's and the dump trucks and begin to chisel out for myself a whole gallery of art out of the stone in my heart.  I know that I want to BE much more than I am now.  I want God to hold no punches ...I know that is a scary thing to pray.  And the answer to that just may involve our septic tank which we found out today, needs some serious attention.  And that is not even counting the number of things this house needs in terms of maintenance ...there is a LONG list of things that are really critical if we do not soon attend to them.  But these emergencies like the septic and pluming leaks and coils blowing on the water heater...and even the cat joining in and requiring $1000 in surgery.  It is impossible to do construction on a dam when you are busy plugging holes.   AS soon as you get one plugged five more spring up.

All this to say, we may have to move.  But this house will have a very hard time selling and we have very very little equity in it...I do not know what our options are---I don't want to breathe the word "homeless" but it's playing an ugly tune in my brain.  I would not survive two days away from my hospital bed and my recliner. The pain would be impossible to survive.  Is there  a way to avoid it?  Prayer.  Trust.  more Prayer...more faith.  And maybe it is this journey that will open my eyes to what God is pointing at in me that needs attention.

I know that my prayer life has been spotty.  I don't have much of an attention span and my brain has lost the ability to focus for long.  I have been wanting to pray more.  I don't think that first thing in the morning is a good time for me anymore.  Those hours are wracked with pain and I often have trouble staying awake then.  And at bedtime?  I'm toast.  Out for the count.  So maybe this hour...the hour after dinner and the hour or two before bed....I know that this is at the moment a difficult time to pray....I'm in so much pain...I cannot carry on a conversation.  Just groan " Lord Jesus have mercy on me"  And maybe that's all he demands of me for now.  Maybe one by one I can pray one word prayers ...Pardon.  Mercy.  Faith.  Goodness.  Gentleness. HELP .  And then watch to see how he answers those basic need prayers.

Sounds good to me.  Going to go now.  Bate my hook and fish for mercy.

Authenticity only goes so Far

I have written my posts for day's three and four in this series I have been doing on David Hampton's book "Our Authentic Selves" and I posted today's segment. But I re-read it with the eyes of people in my life who may be reading...and they play parts in my life's story.  And I have decided to pull Day 3 from my post lineup and am going to have to continue my writing through the chapters in this book: privately.  I understand the need to be authentic...and I am willing to be.  However some of the people in my life may not want their stories to to be published for the world to see.  So I have to continue writing for my own benefit...and I would urge you to  purchase this book for yourself and to do what I am doing....write out your answers for each day's question posed by the author.

If I come across a chapter that I think I could appropriately publish...I will do so.
Thanks for taking the journey with me this far.  I hope you will stop by again soon and see what God has impressed on me to write for your benefit.

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Shame; His Grace


 Chapter two of "Our Authentic Selves, 
Reflections on What WE believe and what we wish we believed.
by David Hampton
Condemnation
Commendation

"What is standing between us and experiencing the freedom of confession? What in our current belief system would need to shift in order to experience this kind of a culture of grace?

I have areas of shame.  Deep horrible shame. As a matter of fact when I read this next chapter and saw the question, the bite of that shame caused me to almost back out of my deal with you readers to go through this chapter .  I have confessed my sin to God.   I have also confessed to three people  my  burdensome shame.  I know God has forgiven me...but honestly  I do not have enough faith in you, God's people, to trust that you would understand, forgive and take joy in my confession.  Rather, I  believe people will be shocked and stunned  ...Appalled. Horrified.  I don't know how the Judgment Seat of God works....He casts our sin as far as the East is from the West.  He buries it in the depths of the deepest sea.  I want to know....does this happen the moment we've confessed our sin to God or is there some kind of public confession in the courtrooms of Heaven.?  Scripture says there will be no secrets...that what is hidden will be made known.
I don't know....and that makes me a little afraid of Heaven.  I guess my faith in the loving heart of God must rest in the knowledge that  however it plays out, IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.  God will not shame us.  I think rather he says something like, "Here let me take that burden from you....don't you know you've been forgiven already?  We have no use for guilt here." And away that burden gets rolled right off my shoulders and it is cast away....And no one thinks of it ever again.
And no one will point fingers ...no one will be shocked by my sin....No one will  be appalled because they've got burdens as big as mine.  I think the predominant emotion in those courtrooms will be relief and deeply abiding  JOY. And the best way to prepare for that day of reckoning, is to practice our trust and to bathe our hearts with the abiding nature of the Love of God for us.  And God knows I hate my old sin.  He knows I've paid for it a thousand times over in the shamed secret places of my heart.  God wants to take that sin and be rid of it once and for all time.

I will answer this day's question.  I will not run from you or from the areas of my heart that this question reveals.  I am guilty.  And I have been made guiltless.  

What is standing in the way of me and the freedom of confession?  Well I already confessed this sin, as I've said.  Is it necessary that I tell every  person I encounter of my sin?  I don't think so.  I just think it should suffice to say that no  one's sin should ever shock me because I've already committed and been freed from the guilt of unspeakable sin.

What would have to change to make me experience this kind  of a culture of grace?  I guess it would have to be if there was an area of open confession amongst a family of faith and I was able to see that others have done things as bad as I have done ....And to know that Jesus died for unspeakable sin.  He died for MY unspeakable sin.  and for YOUR unspeakable sin....And he took all the shame of those sins and bore them in his blood and pain on the cross.  He said about your and my sin "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."  And he took that sin and with a final cry called out "IT IS FINISHED"
My sin.
My guilt
My punishment
My shame.
 All that is gone.  It was an atonement of blood.  He purchased my life with his blood.  And he died in horrible shame.  Unspeakable shame.

"Grace, grace, God's Grace.  Grace that will pardon and cleanse within...Grace, Grace, God's Grace. Grace that is greater than all my sin."


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Working through "Our Authentic Selves"

I have a friend who is a publisher and he recommended a book to me this morning....He likened it to "Jesus Calling " and Oswald Chambers.  wow.  That is some kind of compliment.  This book automatically has a lot of ground to cover before I would place it in that lineup.  The book is in the form of a devotional.  Each day ends with some questions we are to ask ourselves...I was wondering if you would be interested in walking through this book with me.  The cost of the Kindle format is $2.99...You would definitely get more out of my posts if you read the book alongside me...but even if you don't I pray you will derive some benefit through my responses

Our Authentic Selves: Reflections on What We Believe & What We Wish We Believed (Christian Spiritual Growth) By David Hampton

 

ihttp://www.amazon.com/Our-Authentic-Selves-Reflections-ebook/dp/B00DZCV7DY/

     Here we go:


DAY ONE of Our Authentic Selves
How am I willing to begin letting  go of my false understanding that God can only be glorified if I'm doing it all "right"?

I am willing....and unwilling to relinquish my perception of my brokenness and perfection to allow God to make adjustments in my character and soul by using said brokenness to "merely" reflect God's perfection.     In other words I must be willing to let GOD be the perfect one and to understand that the best that I can hope for in myself is the redemption of my failures and weakness as God chooses to use them and to grow me into greater likeness (or reflection) of himself.

Where are  the places I see God glorified even in my own brokenness and weakness?
My body is broken  and so is my mind and as a result my vision of myself and my usefulness (even to God) is marred.  I feel like damaged goods.  And as much as  I know "God is able to keep that which I've committed unto him against that day"  it is still really hard to trust him to redeem my brokenness.   This trust  ( a tiny seedling, frail and wind tossed) has to mature and deepen into solid faith in the One who has created me.  I need to understand that it is God who is telling my story, not me.  It is God painting a glorious mural in my life...not me.  I must place my failure into his hands and remain malleable as he works, especially when his working me results in serious pain.  I have to learn not to clench up or pull back.   I must grow through the pain and my faith in my Creator must grow constantly alongside his efforts to perfect my faith and to use me to help others in their journey as well.   My smile in the face of pain is a banner over my life that it is GOD who is at work in me and not my own power.

So what do you think? Are you intrigued yet?




Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Two Poems and Why I need them

Today and yesterday were days when you wonder how anyone can survive them.  I had put off my shoulder replacement surgery but had many second doubts.  I went for Pre-surgical Testing on Monday.  Then on Tuesday went to see my endocrinologist and she called the hospital for my lab reports.  She returned with a grim face and told me that my MRSA culture was positive.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with MRSA it is a staph infection that is unresponsive to almost every antibiotic and once you have it you may not be able to be rid of it.

I've had it three times prior to this and grimace at the thought of a PICC line in my arm and 6 weeks of potent antibiotics.  Worse however was the realization that my surgery site - had I gone ahead with it-- would very likely be compromised by the MRSA and the results could be deadly.  Next worst off is the verdict proclaimed by my rheumatolgist yesterday.  NO more biologic drugs for me.  Which means basically....well...lets just say it's a very gloomy out look of more and more joints failing and pain increasing...and not a dag blamed thing I can do about it.

Tonight however I was thinking of two verses by my favorite poet.William Cowper.

Here they are...they may seem long but stick with it.



Exhortation to Prayer
William Cowper
What various hindrances we meet
In coming to the Mercy Seat!
Yet who that knows the worth of prayer
But wishes to be often there.

Prayer makes the darkened clouds withdraw,
Prayer climbs the ladder Jacob saw,
Gives exercise to faith and love
Brings every blessing from above.

Restraining prayer we cease to fight,
Prayer makes the Christian's armor bright.
And Satan trembles when he sees
The weakest saint upon his knees

While Moses stood with arms spread wide
Success was found on Israel's side
But when through weariness they fell
That moment Amalek prevailed

 Have you no words? Ah! think again!
Words flow apace when  you complain,
And fill your fellow-creature's ear
with the sad tale of all your care.

Were half the breath thus vainly spent
To Heaven in supplication sent
Your cheerful song shall oftener  be
"Hear what the Lord has done for me!"



Light Shining  out of Darkness
God moves in mysterious way
His wonders to  perform
He plants his footsteps by the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never -failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful  saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter
And he will make it plain.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Pursuit of God: A Review

The Pursuit of GodThe Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Feeling humbled to write a review on a book written by such a man of deep faith as AW Tozer.  Nonetheless, I will do so in hopes of convincing some of you to take the plunge.  It's a short book 122 pages....the language is a tad archaic but by no means insurmountable. 

The thing that most struck me was the importance of keeping our gaze on the Lord no matter what we are doing at the time.  No act can be unholy if attempted while keeping our eyes on the FAther.  No place is more holy than another.  No conversation or task mundane if undertaken with our eyes on the face of God. While it sounds a bit intimidating to train ourselves to focus on two things at once, certainly we do so all the time.  Just as our stomachs growl and we are reminded constantly that we are hungry...yet we do not often have the leisure to go and eat immediately ...so we feel both our hunger and the importance of the task at hand.  This is indeed a holy habit worthy of developing.

Thus the "Gaze of the Soul" chapter impressed me maybe more powerfully than did some of the others  And the chapter entitled "Apprehending God" speaks of how we can experience God with every one of our faculties.  And it is the person who is deficient in faith who fails to intimately know the God whom they claim to worship.  Just as we know that the world in which we live is real: and we experience it with our senses...so too the maker of the world can be experienced through the experience of the world God created.  WE know him too by the words written in the Scriptures....we know him as an act of our faith.

I could write more...but Tozer says it so much better than I...pick up a copy --better yet download it...I think it is free at Amazon.





View all my reviews

Saturday, September 7, 2013

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose

I used to love a challenge.  It was that chutzpah that showed when I was interviewed for a position in a  large company--for which I really had very little training but later my supervisor told me that it was my self-confidence that won me the job.  She said I acted like there was nothing I couldn't do.  That was because in my fairly young life, I did not fail at things.  I only excelled.  Until my brain blew some fuses shortly after that job was ended (it was a temporary position)...I managed to get one more college year under my belt while all hell was breaking loose in my head.  None the less I left the school with a 4.0

My mom told me once "you can't learn to knit from  a book!  Well I had a book on how to knit for left handed people.  So I studied the book and I began to knit.  I even designed my own complex sweaters...why? Because I'd been told I couldn't do that....so do it I did.

In subsequent years my brain changed.  The doctors did CT Scans of my brain and said it showed evidence of atrophy.  In New Haven CT where I lived an worked on my own, I was hospitalized and the doctors did many tests on my brain. The told me there was "evidence of a formerly prodigious intellect."  When they told me that, my heart sank.  Not only was the disease taking away all pleasure from my life, it was also sapping my intelligence...and that made me very sad...I did recover to a fairly good level of ability but it took a long time.  And then once again the rug was pulled out from under my feet  and I had a major psychotic episode  and from that time on, I was never again the same  This occurred in 2007-2010 during which time I had 15 treatments of ECT (ElectraConvulsive Therapy.) and those treatments marred my psyche forever.  No longer could I remember things I lost my ability to use logic to figure out problems.

I am still blindsided by this difficulty.  Words escape me.  Tasks befuddle me.  I could do something and then five minutes later not be able to recall it....So a couple of months ago, I made a shawl...one for me, one for my daughter and one for a friend.  Then I made two bolster pillows.  however, socks confused the heck out of me.. I tore the same sock out about 4 times.  Then I went on to try a scarf that looked very pretty ...the yarn was about $13 for the one skein and I simply could not keep track of the pattern and the counting.  I cannot remember from one row to the next where i was in the pattern.  I bought  lot of yarn.  A lot of patterns, all the needles.  And my heart is sad because I feel defeated by it.  I need a success.  But anything more difficult than a stockingette stitch will be a failure most likely.

My self confidence is waning.  I need a success.  I have two boxes of yarn..I heard of an organization who is making prayer shawls for people in a local nursing home.  They are accepting donations of yarn. Maybe I should give it all away.  But how sad that would be for me. Another part of my life goes down the drain.  Maybe I just need to find a small , easy project.  A cowl, a shawl, a scarf,

I also need to read a little more  I have been reading sporadically...five books at a time. A little here; a little there
My husband says that since these last two hospitalizations I have not returned to "baseline"-- and I know that this is true.  I have trouble finding words.  Have trouble with logic.  Simple things like figuring out times and schedules....even finding words or spelling  --All the things that used to be so effortless now are a horrible struggle.  I knew that Schizophrenia is a brain disease....but  I never realized the extent to which the damage occurs.  It's not only hallucinations or delusional thinking.  It is literally eating my brain away and there is nothing I can do about it.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

When we should boast

This past week has been the week celebrating (or honoring) people who have invisible illnesses.  You may notice that this post is differently than it was originally.  I had re-read my initial post and realized that it sounded very unloving  and it sounded like I was looking down on those who were being honored and I came down hard on those who organized the week's events.  I would like to offer heartfelt apologies.  You know words are so important.  They can heal and they can hurt.  I'm afraid that my initial words did more hurting than healing.  For that I am very sorry.

I never was much of a cheerleader.  And that maybe not a be a good thing...what would we be without the encouragement and cheers of others?  I'm kind of embarrassed by people who  get enthralled by my "courage" or "bravery"  I'm not courageous...I'm just doing my best to live my life and do what I have to do.  If I had a way out of it--a way to leave my illness behind, I would certainly take it...But there seems to be little respite....except a stiff upper lip and tears at night when the pain is too bad...

If I talk too much about medical things its because my life is pretty much involved with them.  I hope that my life centers around Jesus and not around illness.  I need to do more braggin' on Him. 

My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.
Psalm 44:8 In God we have boasted continually, and we will give thanks to your name forever.Selah
Proverbs 27:1 Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring

Jeremiah 9:24
but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord.
 
We often boast in our health...our wealth...our own strength or knowledge.   But as you see in these few verses (and there are many more besides them) GOD is the only one we should be bragging on.  He gave us our health and strength...and it is his to remove....we do not know what tomorrow will bring.
I see people who run....and to me that is the epitome of good health.  I have never (as an adult) been able to run and have always wanted to....and runners like to talk about running...about how far they went and how fast and about where they will be racing next.  And the truth is whether or not they ever run another step is in the hands and plans of God.  And if God were to remove that ability they cannot complain because he is the Master and owner of their bodies.
The truth is, we are ALL in a race...the healthy, and the sick, the rich and the poor....and the apostle Paul enjoins us to run in such a manner as to complete the race.  He also tells us to take off anything that is impeding our run and run to win the laurels.   
And when we have done that and approach our finish line, we can give thanks to the Lord for carrying us through our race...And we can brag on God the one who has empowered us, helped us when we could not run and who has lovingly guided our feet...And we brag that we KNOW such a God as this. 
So for Invisible Illnesses?  They are not invisible to God.  And here's the great thing.  He knows all about your illness, all about your pain.  He is close to you.  and when the pain is too great, he will get you through it.  And then the next day you will have another "God story"  that you can feel free to use to brag on God a little more.