Thoughts A'jumble

I've been on a juice fast for the past four days. My greatest reason is to pursue God and to return to the intimacy I had with him some years ago.  I'm kind of stuck though.  I can't concentrate for more than two minutes when I'm reading or praying. My mind goes off on these bizarre benders of thought, often combined with visual hallucinations. I can't concentrate....I know that God understands my limitations.....but  I keep wondering, "Can I do more?"

I need to listen to him more...and not trying so hard to pray.  Problem is...when I try to actively listen....I don't encounter God...I rather encounter the jail bars that my mind has placed me behind.  It's a terrible thing. I hate this disease and what it has done to my intellect.  Shoot ..it just happened now...in the midst of my writing.  And it happens constantly when I am knitting...my mind goes off and does it's own thing...and before you know it, I've royally messed up what I am knitting.  I'm afraid...terribly afraid that I will have to give up knitting.  Or at least give up any kind that requires my attention.

Well I'm going to get off of the computer and try to practice the discipline of Silence.  SInce that probably entails silencing your mind as well...I may not be too successful. But I'm gonna die trying.

Yarn and Soy Beans

Somebody stop me!!!

I keep buying yarns and patterns...much much faster than I can knit them.  I think what I need to do is confront the sock I was knitting which the cat got into.  (God knows how much thread she ingested!)  She made a mess but it was not mortal.  I think seriously that I need to go on a knitting sabbatical--which means drastically limiting my time on line and just knit, knit, knit!!  I think I will do that....once this last order arrives ....I got a pattern and yarn for a gorgeous scarf.
After I do that I want to try to make some hats. That is something I have never done.  How hard can it be?  It has to be easier than socks. That much is certain.

Last night I made a container of soy yogurt.  It came out nice and thick and I am straining it to make it like greek yogurt.  I was a little upset because according to an article I read on it, you should use unsweetened soy milk.  The soy milk I had had both sugar and some other ingredients.  The lady who wrote the soy milk article said that Edensoy is the only soymilk with just two ingredients: soy beans and water.  I guess I could go whole hog and make my own soy milk.  I have a bunch of soybeans. I used to make soymilk....it really is quite a process since it requires cooking after you grind and strain the soy beans. 

The more I think of it, the better that sounds.  I think for my next batch of yogurt I will go ahead and make some soymilk.  Soy milk is getting to be hard to find.  And I have a feeling that the Edensoy will only be found in health food stores. And the only health food store which might keep it is an hour and a half away from here.  I do want to make a trek over there.  I need to buy more sprouting seeds.  Last time I was there, I was appalled at the price of them....and didn't buy any. 
But I've really been craving fresh sprouts.  That is one thing you REALLY should make yourself.  The containers of sprouts in the store are breeding grounds for e coli. 

I have a friend who likes that Health food store, so she would probably drive me. I have to do it in August though because my funds are low now.

Sorry for the chattiness of this post.  I was kind of thinking "aloud".
Eat healthy today.
And do something creative today. Anything.  Awaken that part of your brain.  You don't have to be an artist by any means.  Comment here and tell me what creative thing you will do today.

Why I am a Vegan

I'm so discouraged about something.  Have a minute?  I'll share with you.

I am a vegan. (not a "pagan"---a VEGAN)  I care about the earth.  I care about what I put on and put IN my body.  It's NOT a religion.  I do not bow to mystic earth goddesses.  I do not wear a talisman. No. I just eat vegetables.  I eat them because it is healthy for my body and it is easier on the earth than is a meat diet which requires acres and acres of pasture and corn fields to support the cattle.

I get protein from vegetables.  The same as a cow gets protein from the vegetables he eats....The protein in a cow did not come from eating other meat.  No.  The cow got his protein from veggies.  The protein in a cow did not come from the sky.  The cow is made of protein because he ate VEGGIES.  I also get my calcium from veggies....and from almond milk.  Milk has calcium in it....but there are components in milk that cause more calcium to be excreted than is contained in the glass of milk.  It is a case of taking out more than what you put in.  HOWEVER, the calcium you get from plants STAYS in your body.  You body doesn't have to sap calcium from your bones to process the plants the way it does to process  the milk.

It's a matter of being educated about what you eat and then coming to a rational educated choice based on what you learned.  I tried to tell my dad yesterday that the way I eat is backed by thousands of scientific studies.  He refused to hear it....Just kept repeating 'It's not science.  It's a religion"

No Dad.  It's science.  Pure and simple.  How many scientific studies have YOU read about what you eat.  This irked me a great deal.  I dropped the subject because it's pointless.  He has been so indoctrinated by the lies propagated by the Beef and Dairy Association that he cannot hear or recognize truth when he hears it.  HIs mind is closed to the truth.

I have read a great deal about this.  And that is how I based my decision about how I eat.  The books I have read are not written by Buddhist monks.  They were written by scientists and doctors.

As a Christian I am convinced that one of the things we will have to give account for is the way we have treated our bodies and the earth God gave us  We are to be stewards of these things.  The Bible is clear on that.  The truth is when I eat properly I feel better and I have not had even a sniffle in two years.

I used to practice Yoga.  Before my body got too destroyed by the autoimmune disease I have.  My dad went round and around on this topic too.  He was convinced that by putting my body into those positions would lead me to open a path for evil spirits to inhabit me.  After debating it for several days...he finally conceded that my argument was sound.  It was merely a practice for exercise and to learn how to breathe and relax.  Just like "Prayer" can be either good or bad, depending on who you pray to...yoga is either good or bad depending on how you meditate and who you are seeking to honor by assuming those positions.  Prayer itself is not holy.  The being that is HOLY is the God to whom you pray.

I believe that eating a vegan diet honors God because God gave me this body and by eating this way I am doing what is best for my body.  I do believe that if you want to eat a small amount of meat or other animal products it will not be too harmful to your body....as long as the amount you ingest is 10% or less of your total diet.  For that reason, on Saturday I had a small ice cream cone and thoroughly enjoyed it.

It is true that there are people who eat vegan and do yoga who are attempting to honor a false god.  Just as there are meat eaters who are mass murderers.  Don't you see? one has nothing to do with the other.

I think it is sad that vegan diets have come to be practiced by so  many people who practice false religions.  Christians---if they were thinking rightly and honoring God by the way they eat--should have a corner on a healthy diet.  Happy meals are NOT food they should be feeding their progeny.  I confess....in my ignorance my daughter ate her share of happy meals and I am very very regretful that at the most critical time in her life I exposed her to elements that could later on cause her to suffer from cancer.  That is not an extreme statement.  It is God's honest truth.

It is sad that when  you go into almost every health food store in the country, at the same place you can buy items used in worshiping false gods.  I would LOVE to hear of a health food store run by Christians who SHOULD be the most well and the ones who live the longest.  This is the path God has made for us to care for these bodies.  To learn more about the diet I have been following please look at the books, Eat to Live and Eat for Health by Doctor Joel Fuhrman.  There is also a Doctor MacDougall who has done a lot of research as well.  Following are some links you can follow to find out more.
www.drfuhrman.com

www.drmacdougall.com

http://www.diseaseproof.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Live-Nutrient-Rich-Sustained-ebook/dp/B0047Y175M/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374500386&sr=1-1&keywords=dr+joel+fuhrmanhttp:
 chttp: //

www.amazon.com/Eat-For-Health-ebook/dp/B00CQOP44K/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374500386&sr=1-4&keywords=dr+joel+fuhrman

//www.amazon.com/Super-Immunity-Essential-Nutrition-ebook/dp/B004U6WUYE/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374500386&sr=1-3&keywords=dr+joel+fuhrman


http://www.amazon.com/Pleasure-Trap-the-ebook/dp/B001A38YCC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374500666&sr=8-1&keywords=the+pleasure+trap

What am I if not Conceited?

In the space of a day or two, two different people made similar comments to me. ..Unsolicited.  One of them said "your life is not over--you still have  a lot to do."  And the other person said "You have a lot to do for God.  He has great things for you to accomplish."  The first person spoke specificably about about my writing....that I still have a lot I have to to say.  That struck me as so odd because just the other day I was thinking disparagingly about my writing: that I have nothing more to say.  I had given one of the women the URL for my art and poetry website (Soul Strains) and she was amazed by my poetry....she made me feel wonderful by what she said.

I would love to get a book together of my poetry and possibly some of my artwork. My friend today called me a "poetress"--which regardless of whether or not that is a legitimate title,--was very appealing.

I have anticipated that I would not live long after 50.  This December I will be 51.  My father once told me that he didn't think I would live to be 50.  My life right now is uneventful and really sort of pointless.  I try to give my life meaning by praying and interceding for people...but I have not been as disciplined in that as I would like to be. I used to study my Bible and wrote many articles based on my studies....If I were disciplined about that it's possible that I could get some of those published. I would very much like to get a book of poetry published.  And there's nothing stopping me from pursuing these things....Nothing but laziness. Laziness and a persistent niggling fear that nothing I have created is of significance or worth.

My parents, throughout my years growing up never EVER complimented me or told me I was beautiful, talented, or smart. Years later I was told all three things....but it was too late.  Self hatred and self doubt had taken hold.  My parents told me they did not want me to get conceited which is why their lack of affirmation of my qualities.  Well not only was I not conceited...I was ignorant of my beauty, intelligence or skill...and when people tried to tell me about them, I did not believe that they knew what they were talking about.

So now, when it comes to taking a chance on my talent....I am terrified to do it, sure that I will fail.   I really do need a plan of action...I should set aside a certain block of time daily or a couple times a week just for research and writing.  And one day a week I should research where and how to go about getting published more often.

If I were to be doing these things, I think that I would feel less useless.  And it is just possible--that God wants to use me for his mouth piece.  And me? I would like nothing more.

Bare Walls and White Noise

hi,
I am feeling a bit better now.  My hallucinations are less potent and I'm feeling more clear minded.
I think I'm about ready to begin to go back down on the medicine levels.  But convincing my husband of that will be a big effort.  I have not continued the weight loss I had in the hospital....I'm just floating around the weight I was when I was discharged...okay I'm up about two pounds from that low. Needing to get serious about what I'm putting into my body.  Today I brought a salad with me on our journey to NY and I had that while they ate Wendy's....but on the way home, the thought of a soft serve cone overcame me ...so I indulged in that.  It was DELICIOUS. LOL...Now to get myself back on the ball and stop jumping off!  I have got to re read Dr Fuhrman's books to ramp up my motivation again.  His diet is extreme but I need to get extreme about my commitment again.  Maybe if I make some treats for myself I will be more willing to eat right.  I think I'm going to make a foray into the dessert section of the books.  It's possible to eat something luscious that is still good for me and which won't cause me to fall off the ball.

For the past couple of days I've just sat online all day.  I haven't had the ambition to even sew my bolster pillow I finished knitting together so that I could start making the socks I want to make.  I'm feeling scared to take on something so new and so challenging.  I don't know why I'm stalling.  I was so excited about it previously.  I also bought a sock loom and an instruction book...all this fun stuff!!! Why does it just scare me??

My book is with the agent....and has been for about a year.  I honestly don't think she's gonna read it although we'd made plans to talk after she finishes it.  So then I have to consider self publishing on the Kindle format.  That takes a little work....and I have to decide if I really want to blow all of my privacy right out of the water. I'm not completely sold on that idea.  Of course this blog is pretty much up close and personal....but somehow that is less frightening than is the idea of a book publication.  I don't know.  I think my problem is more a lack of ambition than a reluctance to bare my soul.

What has happened to my drive to write anyway?  These days all I write is this blog and a journal.  I don't think I have much more inside me to say than my book....I don't think of myself as a writer...I think my book is pretty well written but other than my poetry and blog I've got nothing more to say.  I used to write articles and have a lot to say. What happened to that?    I don't know.  My brain is suffering poverty of thought and my speaking has shrunk due to poverty of speech.  And because of that, my writing voice has diminished as well.  Is it possible for someone with Sz to be able to be a writer?  I don't know how we could consistently have something to say.

How do I find topics to cover on this blog?  Well you can see for yourself that I often am threadbare in my topics and conversation here.  I don't know ...all I do know is that I do not think much these days....at least my thoughts are not productive and what I do produce is lacking in bulk; lacking in depth; lacking in substance.  Thanks for continuing to come back and get into my head with me.  I'm sorry there is not often much IN this head of mine...at least nothing much of interest.

Come back again....and I will try to have something of interest to say.  My head is pretty empty...thanks for sticking around to hear the echoes.

Newly Released

I have been silent here on this blog for almost two  weeks...that is because I've been in a psych hospital. I got out on Monday of this month and still am feeling kind of frail and easily overcome.  The hospital stay did not do too much for me....they merely increased my medication until the noise in my head subsided and the visions in front of my eyes became a little less compelling. They let me come home after a week and a half--still suffering with hallucinations and feeling quite fragile. 

I went out yesterday for coffee with a friend...and that was difficult, even though it was enjoyable. I am eager to begin to eat well again....but was not up to cooking last night, so Pizza was the ticket. Today I'm getting my groceries delivered...so will have restocked the kitchen and there will be no excuse tonight not to cook.

I have been looking forward to knitting again...finishing my pillow I'm working on and going on to make socks; however when I looked at the pillow to resume it, I see I'd made a huge mess of it when trying to knit in the midst of my meltdown...I've been trying and trying to get it back into some semblance of reason. I do not know if it is able to be rescued.

I really REALLY need a shower and the thought of that has been totally overwhelming.  I also should resume my activity.  In the hospital I paced the halls almost constantly and lost 6 pounds despite eating four Oreos twice a day in our snacks.  Here I would have to go outside to cover any ground...I really could just pace the length of my circular drive over an over again. That way I would never get too far from home should I get tired or winded or should it begin to rain. Or I could go down and walk on the treadmill.  At any rate....it doesn't matter what I do as long as it gets my body moving again. 

Now how do I get myself back into society?  I need a haircut.  Going to church seems really overwhelming.  This Thursday (tomorrow) I have two MD appointments and my dad is taking me to those.  Maybe that will help me to get social again. Right now I don't feel like leaving my bedroom....but know I need to.  When I was in the hospital I was very confused and it was obvious in what I was saying. I know that in the end of  that time I suddenly heard myself say something and then said, "Wait a minute...That is not "right" "  And from the time I had that enlightenment, I began to be better and more clear....but it took a while. And now here I am at another plateau....and need to break through my lack of ease in facing society again.

My goals for today?
1) get moving.  walk the stairs. Walk on the treadmill.
2) work on my knitting mess.
3) cook a healthy dinner
4) bake a healthy treat

all of these things look difficult to me right now...notice I did not put "take a shower" on that list.  I'm thinking of waiting until tomorrow when I absolutely have to because I am going to go out. One more day will not hurt me
I know this post has been really more me talking to me. I know it holds little interest for you who are reading....but that's all I can come up with right now...and I did want to explain my absence..  Maybe soon I will have some deeper thoughts.  Right now all I can do is swim in the shallows.  I promise to go deeper as soon as I am able.