Today I felt .....blah. I slept til 9:00 (which only sounds really late when you consider that I go to bed at 7:30 or 8:00) and then I didn't feel like showering. I really had to shower because tomorrow is an early start due to a doctor appointment and I don't feel like getting up at 6:00 to get in the shower. Finally I showered but I put on a pink short-sleeved zippering bathrobe or house dress and that has been my uniform for the day.
My father suggested that I am depressed. I don't think I am....I'm not having any of the awful thoughts that go along with depression. I don't feel suicidal. I just feel......blah. Now I know that chronic blahness can be classified as depression. I'm trying to avoid the rabbit hole with all of my power. The Pit is ominous and I'd rather be plucked bald than go there again.
Speaking of bald. My cat is losing her coat. Not a little shedding. MASSIVE handfuls of hair are coming off of her. As well as big chunks of dried skin. She's not scratching. And other than not liking the mouth full of hair she gets when she grooms, she seems comfortable. My cat has a beautiful grey/blue coat and it is heart breaking to see her lose it. Anyway. That has nothing to do with depression or the pit....just with me being plucked bald.
And now that I've lost my train of thought I'm a homeless hobo on the empty tracks watching it crawl into the distance.
Homeless.
No. don't go there. Don't follow that train. It goes right off a cliff.
So where to then?
My mind is blank. Dead stare. Dead silence. Dead deadness.
I don't know what to say. If you are looking for scintillating conversation, you've come to the wrong place. I don't know whether or not to click the "Publish" button. I'm so very sorry to have wasted your time. Maybe I'll just click "save" and leave it at that. No, maybe you deserve to know the truth: my brain has vacated the premises. So "Publish"it is. There's lots of room for sorry later.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Optionless
I haven't been feeling up to par. The "movie" type of hallucinations had returned....and really, I don't mind those...They make it a little hard to concentrate on other things but they are not so distressful. However the night before last I had been sleeping and I woke up. I was definitely awake and I saw on the ceiling a leering evil face..and I moved my eyes from spot of spot on the ceiling and there were faces everywhere I looked. I was quite disturbed by this and went out to the living room where my husband and daughter were watching a movie. I pretended that I got up just to get a bite from the kitchen as I often do and not that I was out there just to have the comfort of their company, which was closer to the truth.
The next day my husband sequestered me in the kitchen and said, "Cynthia, you are quite disheveled and 'flat' ---it is obvious you are not feeling too well. Will you let me raise your dose of medicine until you feel better because this way we may avoid a hospital stay." So I agreed to it.
However now...a day later....I'm feeling anxious. And I'm having hot /cold flashes. I'd had those prior to the lowering of my medication dose and it was told to me that having the dose of medicine too high can cause hot/cold flashes as indeed it did ...and is again.
Today I am really not feeling well. I'm feeling horribly anxious. But that could be because yesterday I had two pieces of ice cream cake and ziti for my daughter's 21st birthday. Both foods are horrible in light of my new way of eating. I had been struggling with terrible anxiety prior to adopting this diet...and since I've been eating "clean"--my anxiety has vanished. This leads me to believe that it is of physical and not mental origin. It comes from poor diet. When I eat well it is gone. When I eat badly; it is back.
The sweating and freezing is miserable and for this reason I'm going to ask my husband to lower the dose of Loxapine back to where it was. I would rather watch some movies than be soaked in sweat and then shivering. I know my husband won't agree with this and will give me a hard time about it.
This disease just sucks. The medicines to treat it just suck. All my alternatives just suck.
The next day my husband sequestered me in the kitchen and said, "Cynthia, you are quite disheveled and 'flat' ---it is obvious you are not feeling too well. Will you let me raise your dose of medicine until you feel better because this way we may avoid a hospital stay." So I agreed to it.
However now...a day later....I'm feeling anxious. And I'm having hot /cold flashes. I'd had those prior to the lowering of my medication dose and it was told to me that having the dose of medicine too high can cause hot/cold flashes as indeed it did ...and is again.
Today I am really not feeling well. I'm feeling horribly anxious. But that could be because yesterday I had two pieces of ice cream cake and ziti for my daughter's 21st birthday. Both foods are horrible in light of my new way of eating. I had been struggling with terrible anxiety prior to adopting this diet...and since I've been eating "clean"--my anxiety has vanished. This leads me to believe that it is of physical and not mental origin. It comes from poor diet. When I eat well it is gone. When I eat badly; it is back.
The sweating and freezing is miserable and for this reason I'm going to ask my husband to lower the dose of Loxapine back to where it was. I would rather watch some movies than be soaked in sweat and then shivering. I know my husband won't agree with this and will give me a hard time about it.
This disease just sucks. The medicines to treat it just suck. All my alternatives just suck.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Joni Earickson Tada Interview
"I cannot do another day of quadriplegia....but I can do all things
through Him who strengthens me in Christ Jesus."
"My wheelchair is not my wheelchair,
it's my attitude toward my wheelchair that I must kill daily."
http://kimberlyraeauthor.blogspot.com/2013/05/joni-earekson-tada-video-visit-dont.html
Friday, May 24, 2013
Police Tape and Holes to Hell
I was chatting with a friend today and I said that God had "healed" me from depression by showing me how to keep myself out of it. The friend asked how I did that and I told him I do it by cordoning off segments of my thought life and put up "NO TRESPASSING" signs. There are lines of thought I simply cannot pursue. Areas I durst not tread. He asked me how I visualized this (for him, he puts things into mental boxes)...for me I told him it was Police Tape. Setting up lines that I cannot cross. He asked me what percentage of my thought life this involved. I said "85%" Thinking on that now, that may be too high. 65% might be more accurate.
He asked me if there were certain people in those barricades. I said "no" but thinking again, that is not true. There are at least three people whom I cannot even think of briefly without some darkness descending. I know you are all wanting to know who so I will tell you: 1) My brother 2) my best friend in college who committed suicide and 3) my dog when I was back in my early 20s. Mandy
There may be even more people in that list but those are the three who came to me readily.
There are topics like the huge "what if" piles of thought. Those lists predicate anxiety. And there is the pile of questions that despite all of my theological thinking and studying on the topic of suffering...there are unanswered questions with which I might accuse God of injustice. And then there are the recollections. Memories of past madness. Restraints. self injury. Nights of total desperation and angst. I cannot go back there.
So you ask, "how did you write a book?"
It was hard. partly I did it in the way that I typically handle conversation. I keep it light and shallow. The depths are dark and I am not a good swimmer.
I also at times looked on it more as art. I explored my skill as a writer and in that sense it distanced me and shielded me from the raw emotive recollection.
But there were times while writing.....that I cried. The pit yawned and I teetered............
I don't know about my book. I don't know if it is sufficiently honest. I don't know if it will induce emotion in the reader. In that sense I may have failed. But I am really not sure. Maybe my truth is so very far "OUT THERE" that even to travel along the outskirts of it seems like a great leap into dark space. One tiny step for man. One GIANT step for mankind. That kind of thing.
Is this a cure for depression?
Or is it repression?
Will all the demons burst out of the box (to borrow my friend's metaphor)like a mad jack-in-the-box ready to scare the bejeebers out of the baby who was just busy cranking out a happy tune? I don't know. I seriously hope not. When can you say you've "dealt with it"? When you can casually talk about it without wanting to slice your wrists afterwards? I don't know. Even when I DO talk about it I am mentally and emotionally detached and shallow. I have never ever sat down with anyone anyone and recalled things with my feelings connected. I've never described the nightmare I've lived to a living soul so that they would really have any kind of idea of what it was like. My book is the closest I've come to that....but because I would not want my readers to fall too deeply into MY pit....I backed off, I rounded the edges. I tempered the heat.
Anyway. This is how I get through a day. By avoiding the police tape around that gaping hole that drops to hell. And for this amount of distance, I am grateful.
He asked me if there were certain people in those barricades. I said "no" but thinking again, that is not true. There are at least three people whom I cannot even think of briefly without some darkness descending. I know you are all wanting to know who so I will tell you: 1) My brother 2) my best friend in college who committed suicide and 3) my dog when I was back in my early 20s. Mandy
There may be even more people in that list but those are the three who came to me readily.
There are topics like the huge "what if" piles of thought. Those lists predicate anxiety. And there is the pile of questions that despite all of my theological thinking and studying on the topic of suffering...there are unanswered questions with which I might accuse God of injustice. And then there are the recollections. Memories of past madness. Restraints. self injury. Nights of total desperation and angst. I cannot go back there.
So you ask, "how did you write a book?"
It was hard. partly I did it in the way that I typically handle conversation. I keep it light and shallow. The depths are dark and I am not a good swimmer.
I also at times looked on it more as art. I explored my skill as a writer and in that sense it distanced me and shielded me from the raw emotive recollection.
But there were times while writing.....that I cried. The pit yawned and I teetered............
I don't know about my book. I don't know if it is sufficiently honest. I don't know if it will induce emotion in the reader. In that sense I may have failed. But I am really not sure. Maybe my truth is so very far "OUT THERE" that even to travel along the outskirts of it seems like a great leap into dark space. One tiny step for man. One GIANT step for mankind. That kind of thing.
Is this a cure for depression?
Or is it repression?
Will all the demons burst out of the box (to borrow my friend's metaphor)like a mad jack-in-the-box ready to scare the bejeebers out of the baby who was just busy cranking out a happy tune? I don't know. I seriously hope not. When can you say you've "dealt with it"? When you can casually talk about it without wanting to slice your wrists afterwards? I don't know. Even when I DO talk about it I am mentally and emotionally detached and shallow. I have never ever sat down with anyone anyone and recalled things with my feelings connected. I've never described the nightmare I've lived to a living soul so that they would really have any kind of idea of what it was like. My book is the closest I've come to that....but because I would not want my readers to fall too deeply into MY pit....I backed off, I rounded the edges. I tempered the heat.
Anyway. This is how I get through a day. By avoiding the police tape around that gaping hole that drops to hell. And for this amount of distance, I am grateful.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Our Place in the Heavens
My days slip by like drips of water on a clothesline after a rain. One by one they fall, faster and faster.....leaving nothing but a puddle in their wake. I strive for health and arm wrestle with pain. I search for meaning and crash against the breast of God....his chest muffles my screams and absorbs my tears. Strong arms for leaning. For carrying. My weight does not bow his shoulders....I'm an easy burden for him.
Today many people awake to a jobless future. Layoffs at my husband's place of employment leave many in fear and dread of the future. Single moms. Dads whose whole family depends on their salary. It didn't happen to us. But what if it did? Would I still trust? Would I still be bold in proclaiming his provision?
Days pass by. They are eked out of God's calendar, falling like splashing droplets of a baptismal fount. Where is the meaning in a day spent in solitude? What is the purpose of my life? Of any life? I'm meant to declare his glory....along with the heavens and the firmament.
The stars shout out their songs in the vast silence of space....but maybe space isn't silent. Maybe it's a rock concert of rotating nebulae, a clapping--applauding roaring scream of praise.
Maybe that is purpose enough. Our day has value....not if it is painless....not if it deposits money into our account...not if we scrub and clean and polish....Not if we teach, instruct and shape....not if we create and paint and sculpt.....Not if we work, provide and toil....
 | |
| http://jeffcable.blogspot.com/2010/07/shooting-images-of-water-drops-fun.html |
Today many people awake to a jobless future. Layoffs at my husband's place of employment leave many in fear and dread of the future. Single moms. Dads whose whole family depends on their salary. It didn't happen to us. But what if it did? Would I still trust? Would I still be bold in proclaiming his provision?
Days pass by. They are eked out of God's calendar, falling like splashing droplets of a baptismal fount. Where is the meaning in a day spent in solitude? What is the purpose of my life? Of any life? I'm meant to declare his glory....along with the heavens and the firmament.
Maybe that is purpose enough. Our day has value....not if it is painless....not if it deposits money into our account...not if we scrub and clean and polish....Not if we teach, instruct and shape....not if we create and paint and sculpt.....Not if we work, provide and toil....
...But only if we praise and add to the concert of stars.
Click here to hear the stars sing
Saturday, May 18, 2013
What my Saturday Looks Like
Today is Saturday. What's on tap?
1) I should really really work out. That would include my recumbent bike and some strength training - preferably weights for arms and crunches for core. There are many other core exercises available however many of them rely on putting weight on your shoulders (such as in the "Plank") and my shoulders are shot from my psoriatic arthritis....so those moves are out. (update: I worked out and burned over 330 calories Yay me!)
2) I need to take some bags of "stuff" to my church to donate them for an upcoming yard sale. Because my husband is balking and being completely unhelpful about that...I may have to call on the good graces of another friend. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married. (Update: got rid of aforementioned bags....House is already looking less cluttered)
3) The lens fell out of my glasses....so if my gracious driver friend is willing, I would also like to go to the glasses store to get the lens put back in. (Update: done!)
4) Need to cook a healthy dinner today. I'm not sure what. Possibly sweet potato nachos and a salad. (Update...yes, that's what I'm making)
5) Would like to go for a walk with my daughter but that will entirely depend on the degree to which she is recovered from bad cramps which have been plaguing her. (update: it's raining)
6) I need to pick out an outfit to wear for my portrait which will be going into the church directory. Why WHY couldn't they have waited until I lost at least another 40 pounds????? (I picked out an outfit and it fits me a lot better now than it did a few weeks ago so stop complaining!)
I also lost my keys. I don't know where (obviously....if I did, they wouldn't be lost)
I also bought a package of coconut icepops at the store....and ate the entire package myself. Oh YES I DID!! Not feeling proud of that at the moment....but AM feeling once again eager to get with the program . Due to marital discord and family issues I had a terrible self destructive urge to eat something evil.....I did but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. And now it's out of my system and I'm ready to be good and to lose some more weight. Not to justify myself because what I did was at the least, ill advised.....but it did get the devil off of my shoulder. Now it's time to get back onto the wagon and be serious once again.
1) I should really really work out. That would include my recumbent bike and some strength training - preferably weights for arms and crunches for core. There are many other core exercises available however many of them rely on putting weight on your shoulders (such as in the "Plank") and my shoulders are shot from my psoriatic arthritis....so those moves are out. (update: I worked out and burned over 330 calories Yay me!)
2) I need to take some bags of "stuff" to my church to donate them for an upcoming yard sale. Because my husband is balking and being completely unhelpful about that...I may have to call on the good graces of another friend. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married. (Update: got rid of aforementioned bags....House is already looking less cluttered)
3) The lens fell out of my glasses....so if my gracious driver friend is willing, I would also like to go to the glasses store to get the lens put back in. (Update: done!)
4) Need to cook a healthy dinner today. I'm not sure what. Possibly sweet potato nachos and a salad. (Update...yes, that's what I'm making)
5) Would like to go for a walk with my daughter but that will entirely depend on the degree to which she is recovered from bad cramps which have been plaguing her. (update: it's raining)
6) I need to pick out an outfit to wear for my portrait which will be going into the church directory. Why WHY couldn't they have waited until I lost at least another 40 pounds????? (I picked out an outfit and it fits me a lot better now than it did a few weeks ago so stop complaining!)
I also lost my keys. I don't know where (obviously....if I did, they wouldn't be lost)
I also bought a package of coconut icepops at the store....and ate the entire package myself. Oh YES I DID!! Not feeling proud of that at the moment....but AM feeling once again eager to get with the program . Due to marital discord and family issues I had a terrible self destructive urge to eat something evil.....I did but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. And now it's out of my system and I'm ready to be good and to lose some more weight. Not to justify myself because what I did was at the least, ill advised.....but it did get the devil off of my shoulder. Now it's time to get back onto the wagon and be serious once again.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Because....
Because...
5-1-7-13
Cynthia Lott
Vogel
Because of your cross Lord,
You have ears tuned to my cries
Because you hung bleeding
You can heal me.
Because you faced jeers
You will defend me.
Because your robes were stripped
You will clothe me in glory and righteousness.
Because you were bruised
You care for my jolts and hurts.
Because you were mocked
You will reign as King--with me at your side.
Because God turned his back on you
He faces me with arms extended in welcome.
Lord I will never fully comprehend
The good you did for me on your cross.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Lessons to Live By
Today we had a 5:00 PM appointment at our vet to follow up for our kitty's surgery. We did that. Then there was some concern raised because there was sugar in her urine....so possible diabetes. Anyway, that appointment took like forever. We didn't get out of there until 6:30 so my husband took pity on me and told me to order a pizza so I wouldn't have to come home and cook at that (for me) ungodly hour. (I know there are those of you who work and never get home before 7:00---you have my prayers and admiration).
So, if you've been reading here you know I've been following Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet and have thus far lost 15 pounds. I debated over eating the pizza. I really did. I decided I would "taste it"....I did. I took several bites and found it to be disgusting. It was salty as licking a salt rock and it was greasy. UGH. So I abandoned slice and got a bowl of strawberries and a hand full of walnuts instead. MUCH better!! The pizza served the selfish purpose of feeding my family and excusing me from cooking....but I really hurt my family by doing that because look how they ate!!! My husband is still flirting with chest pain. And I feed him PIZZA???? Guilty as charged. OK. I'm feeling appropriately shamed now.
Lesson ? Try not to schedule appointments at dinner time.
Lesson #2? If you ARE out, make a salad before you leave so you at least can serve that when you get home.
Lesson #3? Do not even TASTE pizza again because it is not tolerable.
Lesson #4? Stay away from DH because he is NOT happy.
So, if you've been reading here you know I've been following Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live diet and have thus far lost 15 pounds. I debated over eating the pizza. I really did. I decided I would "taste it"....I did. I took several bites and found it to be disgusting. It was salty as licking a salt rock and it was greasy. UGH. So I abandoned slice and got a bowl of strawberries and a hand full of walnuts instead. MUCH better!! The pizza served the selfish purpose of feeding my family and excusing me from cooking....but I really hurt my family by doing that because look how they ate!!! My husband is still flirting with chest pain. And I feed him PIZZA???? Guilty as charged. OK. I'm feeling appropriately shamed now.
Lesson ? Try not to schedule appointments at dinner time.
Lesson #2? If you ARE out, make a salad before you leave so you at least can serve that when you get home.
Lesson #3? Do not even TASTE pizza again because it is not tolerable.
Lesson #4? Stay away from DH because he is NOT happy.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Daily Steps
Well, there is nothing much going on in my life except for my eating plan and weight loss efforts....and the fact that my daughter broke up with her boyfriend and is now living back at home. While it is nice for me to have her here, my heart is breaking that she is so sad. I wish I could give her some hope that the future can be better than her past life has been. I so much know what it is like to allow your mind to think about anything but the future. The future has always looked bleak to me and I know that it does too for my daughter. She is in a place of evaluating her life and is not liking what she sees. Which is sad.
What I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl who has had some incredible and overwhelming struggles to face. She comes from two mentally ill parents and has unfortunately, inherited some challenges. Then some other even worse challenges were thrust upon her. She has overcome major trauma. She put us through some hell when she was in high school....running away twice and then dropping out of school. But miraculously, she graduated and has a diploma. She struggled with a brief period of addiction....and then met her boyfriend who helped her get beyond all of that.
She sees a failure in the mirror. I see a survivor. a perseverer. (I guess that is not a word). A person who has refused to quit when almost anyone else would have. And now she is back on her own looking at a future that still holds challenges. She needs transportation. She needs a job...or to go to school or something.....but those things will come. Right now she needs to heal. And to learn how to smile again.
We have been going for walks every day. But today it is raining. ...so no walks. We are both working on losing some weight and getting healthy. I've been cooking nutritious vegan food and it usually tastes pretty good if I do say so.....not counting last night's meal which was an unmitigated failure....hence DH and daughter ordered out pizza which I refrained from and was rewarded this morning by a two pound loss.
So the family has taken its share of punches. But we are still together. We still love each other and we will persevere. Whether or not the future is bright remains to be seen. I think we have also been bitten by the pessimism that seems to grip our country right now....but God is still on his throne. And he still wants good things for his kids.....and their kids. So one day at a time...we tread on.
What I see when I look at her is a beautiful girl who has had some incredible and overwhelming struggles to face. She comes from two mentally ill parents and has unfortunately, inherited some challenges. Then some other even worse challenges were thrust upon her. She has overcome major trauma. She put us through some hell when she was in high school....running away twice and then dropping out of school. But miraculously, she graduated and has a diploma. She struggled with a brief period of addiction....and then met her boyfriend who helped her get beyond all of that.
She sees a failure in the mirror. I see a survivor. a perseverer. (I guess that is not a word). A person who has refused to quit when almost anyone else would have. And now she is back on her own looking at a future that still holds challenges. She needs transportation. She needs a job...or to go to school or something.....but those things will come. Right now she needs to heal. And to learn how to smile again.
We have been going for walks every day. But today it is raining. ...so no walks. We are both working on losing some weight and getting healthy. I've been cooking nutritious vegan food and it usually tastes pretty good if I do say so.....not counting last night's meal which was an unmitigated failure....hence DH and daughter ordered out pizza which I refrained from and was rewarded this morning by a two pound loss.
So the family has taken its share of punches. But we are still together. We still love each other and we will persevere. Whether or not the future is bright remains to be seen. I think we have also been bitten by the pessimism that seems to grip our country right now....but God is still on his throne. And he still wants good things for his kids.....and their kids. So one day at a time...we tread on.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
As God's Kids.....
Two thoughts struck me lately and they both have implications about the faithfulness of God. The first was in a book called "Unlocking the Heart of the Artist" by Matt Tommey. He talked about how our provision is guaranteed because we are God's kids. Now I do know some Christians are poor....but if they trust their God, I know he sustains them. Matt talked about how if we take risks and invest the raw materials God has given us (the "talents" or "minas" as in the parable), then God will be faithful to bless and increase our wealth. I am NOT promoting a "name and and claim it" prosperity gospel here. Nor am I stating that we have to work to earn God's favor. I am just stating that as God's kids we have some rights. And these rights are not based on what we do to earn them....the only thing God expects of us is to live in faith and to utilize that which he's given us. The rest is ours because we are his kids.
The second thought I had came last night at my Bible Study. We were studying the account of David and Goliath....and I was so struck by David's absolute confidence in the Lord's plan and ability to defend the holiness of his own name. He was so confident of that, that he laid his life right on the line and expected that God would back him up. He went out there and told that trash-talking giant that "The whole land would know that there is a God in Israel who can kick the pants off of any god or any army that dares oppose him" And then David cashed in all the hours he'd spent practicing with his sling and hurled that stone and the giant fell face first to the ground.
Now David had had to prepare....he had to get good with the sling. He had to be faithful with the little bit assigned to him and he took care of those sheep to the best of his ability. And then came the moment when God let him cash in all that preparation and gave him a resounding victory....which victory David did not claim as his own but rather called it "The Lord's Victory." So what struck me about this story? And what did it have in common with Matt Tommey's book?
1) Because we are children of the King we can expect God to meet our needs and to fight our battles.
2) We must be faithful to invest in the areas he's put under our control but when we do
3) God will bountifully reward our faithfulness.
What does that have to do with me? ... A disabled woman who hardly has any money to her name and who cannot work for a living? Well, I am to be faithful in the tasks he's given me to do. I am to fully invest myself in that which I have the strength to manage and I do not have to fret about having our needs met. God will meet them. He will take care of us....because I am his kid.
The second thought I had came last night at my Bible Study. We were studying the account of David and Goliath....and I was so struck by David's absolute confidence in the Lord's plan and ability to defend the holiness of his own name. He was so confident of that, that he laid his life right on the line and expected that God would back him up. He went out there and told that trash-talking giant that "The whole land would know that there is a God in Israel who can kick the pants off of any god or any army that dares oppose him" And then David cashed in all the hours he'd spent practicing with his sling and hurled that stone and the giant fell face first to the ground.
1) Because we are children of the King we can expect God to meet our needs and to fight our battles.
2) We must be faithful to invest in the areas he's put under our control but when we do
3) God will bountifully reward our faithfulness.
What does that have to do with me? ... A disabled woman who hardly has any money to her name and who cannot work for a living? Well, I am to be faithful in the tasks he's given me to do. I am to fully invest myself in that which I have the strength to manage and I do not have to fret about having our needs met. God will meet them. He will take care of us....because I am his kid.
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