The Goings On

I know it has been like a record long time since I've posted.  There has been not much to talk about although now that I think about  it there is a lot going on.
For one thing I've begun knitting again after about 30 years off.  Years ago, in High School someone gave me a book on how to knit for left handers.  My mother told me, "You can't learn to knit from a book!"  My response? "WATCH ME"....that was all the incentive I needed.  So I did.  And not only did I knit but I made patterns and made some pretty outrageous clothing back then. I wish I had a picture of this one sweater in particular that I made.  Anyway, about the time that I got married, I stopped knitting.

So this week I made myself a Reader's Shawl. I will include some pics here for you to see it.  After my first two days of doing little else but knitting, I had a terrible flare in my right hand.  Actually both of them hurt but the left one was epic.  It was so swollen that it went numb and I couldn't use it at all.  So last Saturday I spent the day doing everything I could think of it alleviate that pain.  Gingerly I started knitting again, at first doing just short stints ...but eventually was able to get back into some decent stretches. Also I've ordered a pair of gloves especially for people with wrist problems to help them knit. So hopefully that too will be a help.

The other thing that is going on is that my husband today is going to be in the hospital having cardiac stents placed in his chest.  He has been scared to death.  For some reason he is convinced that he will not survive the procedure.....which is possible but not likely.  Last night when he left....he gave me a big  "goodbye" hug.  It was so sad. I wish I could alleviate his fears.  I am looking forward to going to visit him in the hospital today after the procedure is done.  His mood should be ecstatic and relieved.   But until then I just am praying that God will hold him and keep him safe.  I pray that he will somehow be able to trust God in this.  I know that he relies on MY prayers but has trouble praying prayers of his own.  I hope that one day that will change

So that is what is going on.  The only other thing is that my daughter is spending the week here with us while my husband begins his recovery. It has been great to have her here. I miss her so much.

Mid-Night Woes

It's four AM.  Soon morning will be here and this miserable night will be over.  I woke last night, two hours after I went to sleep in total and absolute pain.  Every joint in my body was flaring.  I tried to ignore it for a few hours....kept switching from the recliner to the bed and back....but finally had to face it.  I hurt too much to sleep.  So I got up and played around on line....As you see, part of what I did was to give the blog a facelift.  But even though I admitted it:that the pain was bigger than my exhaustion, it didn't ease up at all.  I even took prednisone in  a vain hope of trying to get control of this inflammation.  I also loaded up my cold pack with two frozen packs and have been holding it first on one joint and then on another.  Right now I have it on my neck which is not only feeling good on my pain but is also cooling me off.  My whole body feels HOT- filled with burning inflamed joints.  I don't have a fever (which can happen with this disease) but I feel like I do.  I feel like one sweaty, feverish ball of pain.

Today I have to go to the pharmacy (that is a must).  I was also going to get my hair cut and go to the grocery store.  I don't feel like doing this stuff but I will maybe be glad if I can get it all done. I will have to see how well I can walk once the morning fully arrives.  Actually...I'm wondering if maybe I can doze a little bit now.  I'm going to try  I will see you later :)

Three Fold Health

I went to a new rheumatologist last week.   A nice man who listened intently, interrupting only to ask a question.  He didn't give me the answer I wanted however because he refused to prescribe a biologic DMARD drug which I know I desperately need.  He agreed that I need it.  He understood and accepted that I want to take it.  But he just was too nervous about it possibly causing another flare of endocarditis  or some other such infection which could very well kill me.  So he put me on prednisone...a steroid with which I am all too familiar since I have a bad case of asthma.  I took the steroids for a week.  And suddenly found myself counting the minutes until I could eat a meal.  I found myself eating seconds.  I found myself snacking in between.  After a week of this, I weighed myself and found I'd gained three pounds. This is unacceptable.

So I called up to the rheumy's office and told them of my dilemma....They called back and said they were calling in a new drug, "Arthrotec".  I looked it up.  It's an NSAID (anti inflammatory) that has built in protection for the stomach (which is important for me because I'd had an GI bleed at one point).  I don't know for sure that the generic is available...I pray that it is because I really don't want to pay $75 for it every month.

The rheumy also took note of a bad tremor that I have.  In fact that day it was so bad that my best friend commented on it as she drove me to the doctor.  I told him it was due to my psych med, Loxapine.  In fact I often hold my hand at an odd angle as I walk and it shakes slightly.  My husband and daughter made fun of that...exaggerating the motion and dancing back and forth doing it.  They call it "the Mommy Dance."  Well, the doctor was not amused. He expressed serious concern and said that my meds would have to be changed otherwise the tremor could become permanent.

When I discussed this with my husband he said emphatically that I could NOT change my meds.  Which would I rather be?  Fat? Crazy?  or have a tremor?  Given the choices the tremor is the best option. (the reason my husband said this is that I'd been on all the other meds and they've been completely ineffective other than to make me gain huge amounts of weight.).

The only other thing that is going on with me these days is that I am giving up sugar for Lent.  I am not Catholic but do celebrate the church calendar and it's holidays. (or holy days).  I want to learn to say "no"to self.  I want to participate in that death to self that enabled Jesus to say "Yes" to the cross.  Sugar....ice cream, cookies, puddings. ...etc  is one of the nearest and dearest things to my heart.
Giving it up will likely produce much struggle in me but it is healthy struggle ...It is the struggle of the weightlifter....the resistance increasing the strength.  I am going to a lady's luncheon on Saturday....there will be goodies up the whazoo....but I must be firm.I have to bring something...so I'm going to bring something that I can eat.  Maybe  a fruit something or other.

So that is a summary of all that is going on....well not all.  It's all that is going on that involves just me. If I were to include my husband's issues, this would become a book not a post.  Be well my friends....pursue health: Physical, spiritual, mental. That is what I am trying to do.

Positively Thinking

Do I believe in Positive thinking?
Do you mean do I believe in denying that my body is screaming in pain and telling myself that in truth I am just fine? 
Do you mean convincing myself that by stating a few positive affirmations aloud I will create a new, more beneficial reality?
Do you mean looking only at what is good and totally pretending that all that is evil and foul in the world does not exist and has no power to harm me?

In those cases a firm and emphatic "NO" is my response.
In my book all of those things are antithetical to truth and therefore must be rejected as lies

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things  (Philippians 4:8).

The above verse has been the scriptural poster child for positive thinking.  However there is a clunker in that theology....and it lies in the very first statement. "Whatever is TRUE."  If you ask me 9/10s of positive thinking is just reiterating to oneself fallacy.  Pure falsehood.   LIES.

When I am struggling and in pain and some rainbow-brained positive thinker comes along and tells me just to believe in the good and that somehow the power of the bad will be drained away and it will no longer have the ability to hurt me I just want to shake them until their teeth rattle.

Pain HURTS.
Loss HURTS.
Grief HURTS.

And all of the rainbows and lollipops in the world are not going to change that.

God never ever instructs us to deny truth in order to get what we want. He never denies the hurt of our pain.  He never giggles in the face of grief.  But he does promise that evil will be overcome by good,  that Love will in the end prevail, that somewhere in the midst of our heartache he will work benefit for us. And he tells us to focus our minds on these thoughts..On those truths.

There is a slight difference that is the Grand Canyon span away from what positive thinkers believe.  They believe that by denying what is true we can create another reality for ourselves.  And what God tells us is that by looking at reality through the lens of truth we see that Goodness Love, Mercy and Joy still exist and are still ours to experience.  He tells us that the bad guy will not win and that the pain will not last forever.  THIS IS TRUTH.  and he wants us to fill our minds with that.  The difference is deceptively small and ominously large.

Never ever sacrifice truth for a "truth" you want to believe or hope to create.  Never deny the power of pain because to do so slaps the sufferer right in the face.  The Bible says "A bruised reed he will not break" and "a smoking flax he will not snuff out."  God does not promise to eradicate all our pain....but he DOES promise to stand by us in the midst of it.  He knows it because he has experienced it.  He took it on himself for me and you so that when we groan in agony he can say "I know; I've been there"   These are the truths he wants us to focus on...Not some cotton candy pie in the sky denial of pain.  When  I was in the ER SCREAMING in agony with a dislocated hip what comforted me?  It was the verse in Ps. 22 that "all his joints were out of joint." The knowledge that Jesus had been through that same exact agony comforted my heart like nothing else could
Truth: He defeated pain and suffering by going through it and coming out on the other side.
Truth: One day we too will come out on the other side and it will no longer hurt.
Truth;  right now, it hurts.  And right now he embraces us and says gently " I know".

Narrow Gate Prayers

I just finished reading a bunch of different Bible passages.  I'm reading through the Bible in a year following the Daily Bible by John MacArthur...which gives a long Old Testament reading, a psalm,a proverb and a NT reading.  Today several things struck me....The garments of the OT priest were being designed and described and he wore a plaque made out of fine stone on whch was engraved "HOLINESS TO THE LORD" or "Qadosh" to the Lord.  Qadosh is my screen name so that expression is special to me.  So when we approach God or when we are carrying out his service our main quality should be that of dedication or separation to the Lord...We are to be distinct from the rest of the world and set apart for God's service.  We are his people; a kingdom of Priests in service to the Lord.

Then I read how in the last days people are going to be precoccupied with eating drinking marriages etc. which is the reverse of the attitude of "Qadosh".....we, as Christians, are not to be consumed with the things of this world but be fixed on Christ.  Be separate.  be focused.

Then I read "Ask and you will recieve, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened.  God as a good father knows how to give good gifts to his children.  Wide is the gate leading to destruction and narrow the path to salvation.

So what does all of this conjoin to mean?  It is easy to become satisfied with small weak prayers.  Prayers that circle around our eating and drinking and being given in marriage.  Prayers that keep us safe.  Prayers that keep us healthy.  But are these the kinds of things God wants us to be praying?

As a priestess wearing the brand, "Holy (separate, dedicated) to the Lord"  what are the narrow gate prayers with which I should be approaching the altar?  How about prayers like, "Lord show me how to use my gift of _________ to serve you and your people in a radical way."  "Lord, remove my fear of ________so that I can serve you by doing _________instead....a thing that is impossible for me to do now shackled by this fear."  or "Lord grant me forgiveness and love for ________.  Help me to cherish him or her regardless of the evil she /he has done me. Help me to form a holy bond with them." How about , "Lord could you heal me of this disease or illness so that I may serve you full time, sold out; poured out in ministry for you and your people.?" Or, "Lord, help me to overcome my sin of gluttony and laziness and get my body in shape and healthy and strong so that I can serve you better and be a better witness."

These are big, bold, Kingdom prayers. and they are the kinds of things the narrow path treaders pray.
I want to be Holy (Qadosh) to the Lord. I want to move him to pour out good and beneficial gifts in my life in  response to my prayers. Praying prayers for safety or to maintain the status quo are weak, cowardly prayers.  God wants us to pray beyond. to SEE beyond. to DESIRE beyond.  He does not want us to go around eating and drinking and going to social functions and have our lives consist of that alone.  Friends, that is the HIGHWAY to HELL.  Nope, I'm gonna find me a tiny gate and squeeze myself through it and start trudging that uphill climb , asking God to give me Hind's feet for the High places.

I've been praying all wrong.  I've been focused on safety and not on risk.  And I've forgotten that being in the center of my FAther's will is the safest place to be by far.

And we all fall DOWN!!!

My house is in a shambles.  I'm not healthy--but that's nothing new.  What IS new is that I'm now the healthiest one in the family.  My husband has recently diagnosed heart Disease and now as either a torn ACL or torn meniscus in his right knee.  He is hobbling around gasping and sometimes crying out in pain.  My daughter left yesterday with a wicked lower back ache which has continued until today.  My mom is still in A Fib and is preparing for another cardiac ablation on Friday.  My dad is really the only one among us who is normal.

Why is this happening.?
I believe it is for the purpose of healing my marriage.  And it will be for the purpose of God displaying his glory to my family.  I whole heartedly believe both things.

Otherwise I would be like Henny Penny running around yelling "The sky is falling! the sky is falling!"

The Road to Bethel

My mom is in the hospital.  She has been having an ongoing battle with A Fib...a heart rhythm that her heart keeps sliding into that is a  non-rhythm.  Her heart rates soar high and suck all the strength out of her.  My mom has always been quiet about her faith.  She never really had all that much to challenge her faith....except for me.  She had all those years when all she could do was to pray that I was alive somewhere and taken care of.  She had all those years of my illness when she didn't know if I would live or die.  But she never had to walk through any deep waters of her own.  They were always deep waters of my making.

Now,she lies in that hospital bed and her life is literally in God's hands.  And in the moments when he should be closest to her....she questions. She wonders if maybe he's abandoned her.   Her faith is wavering....and she wonders what the out come will be.  I tried to tell her. "Mom, when it seems like he's the farthest away, He is the closest.  He's holding you right in his hands.  Your hospital bed is surrounded by his angels.  Talk to him.  he's there.  Don't close your heart to him in anger.  Open your eyes and see him there. Loving you.  Caring for you."

My faith has been tried by fire.  There were many years when I shut my heart to the voice of God.  Years when I pushed his embraces away.  And then there were years when I pursued him. When I read all I could and prayed constantly and FELT his presence.  There were years when illness tried to have me.  And the Lord kept me intact.  And now, when people in my life are struggling.....I can only pray for them. And trust that he will hear those prayers.

We all have our Bethel.  Our times of encountering angels ascending and descending to heaven.  Our times of struggle with God where we cling to him and refuse to let go until he blesses us.  What makes you encounter God most intimately? Is it blessing?  or is it struggle?  For me both seasons have had their benefits.  But struggle is sometimes necessary.  There are times when we must hold on with all our might....even though he lames us....and insist on his blessing.  I think my mom is now in a struggle.  If she walks away in the other direction.....she will lose out. But if she prevails....she will be blessed.

And me? Where am I?? I am just in the daily walk mode.  When I have to remember his presence.  Where I speak with him on behalf of the hurting ones in my life....and beg him for intervention on their parts.  I am an intercessor right now.  The wars being waged are not my own.  They belong to others.  But I am struggling  with the LOrd  on their behalf.  I will not let you go until you BLESS THEM.

Eulogy to a Creative

I'm going to bemoan one other fact about Schizophrenia and schizophrenia medications that makes my life a living hell  I used to be a creative person. I used to have so many ideas cookin' on my burners that I had to use the grill to cook dinner.  I wrote poetry...ALL THE TIME.  I painted, sketched, made greetings cards... I was just a hotbed of creativity.

NOW???


now I have a really hard time thinking up topics for this blog. I haven' t written a poem in a LOONG time....Any paintings I've done have been relatively pathetic and definitely uncreative in topic.  You see. To create; one must feel....and I do. not. feel. anything. at. all.  Of course, feeling something comes with a humungous risk. If you feel, then you can (and will)feel pain. And while pain is a good base inwhich to grow poetry. It ummmm.hurts.  And it's no fun. Even so, I miss it.I miss the razor's edge....I miss the angst.
And I really really really miss the soaring through the sky in multicolored hues of spasms of laughter...I miss the creative high. The edge that will lift you to the heights and then drop you off on your head when you crash.  I miss the sense of power. The conductor's baton that juggles moods and ideas and perceptions and expressions of ideas.....all flying through my veins with the blinding speed of a super Nova. I miss the havoc; the terror and the unadulterated joy that accompanied creation.


NOW???

I create nothing.
I feel nothing.
I AM nothing.