An Ugly Reflection

Feeling sad and sorry for myself tonight.  Not liking the view in the mirror.  Feeling pissed off and wondering if I have any right to be.  No. Knowing I have no right to be....which somehow doesn't help me at all.

Standing in my own Way

I am working on losing weight. It's no big secret...I've talked about it here before.  But today I thought over the past X months of gaining and relosing the same 8 pounds.  It's been going on for so long I've begun to feel quite helpless about it....as though there's some force larger than myself at work, keeping me fat and weak.  But is that reality?  No.  I need to lose weight and if I could just lose ten pounds at this juncture rather than regaining the ten I just re-lost I would be a good way out of the trench I've dug for myself.

So why don't I?  Lose weight that is.  It's because I've come to feel like "OK - I'm at my low point now I can relax and eat what I want.  Or stop working out..or both."  But my "Lowpoint" is NOT my goalweight.  In fact it's like 60 pounds from my goal weight.  So why am I giving up now????  This is not the time to turn tail and walk....It's the time to DIG DEEP and press in harder!! The only one keeping me from my goal weight is me, myself, and I.  There is no bigger force at work here. (Other than Satan and the One in me is greater than him).  There is absolutely nothing keeping me from being successful and continuing to lose this weight.

It's a mental game. And it's one I'm losing.  And I'm losing unnecessarily.  Because you see there's no one else even playing the game!!  Pretty sad to lose a game when you are the only one playing!!  I don't know where this defeatest attitude comes from. It's eerily similar to the one I had when I was trying and trying to quit smoking.  Now THEN I had maybe more reason to feel defeated.  Nicotine is a powerful drug and I was badly addicted.  But even then, my determination prevailed and I quit.  Now one cannot "quit" eating.  but there is no reason why I cannot live a healthy lifestyle.  Here too I feel a bit of powerlessness because of a night time eating disorder I have.  But even WITH that...if I have to eat at night; I DON"T have to eat high calorie stuff.  No reason why I can't munch on a carrot. It's just a matter of recognizing that I am in charge.  NO one is shoving food into my mouth.  There is no reason why I cannot own the power that I truly do possess.  I need to stop blaming other things and other people for my failure to lose this weight. It's my failure.  It's also my game to win.  So win it I will.

L'il ole Anxious Me

I'm reading a book called "Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Fear: Practical ways to Find Peace" by   Gregory L Jantz, PhD.  I bought it because I have been struggling immensely with anxiety.  It was like clockwork where twice a day, once in the afternoon and once, at  night in bed; I would be overcome by waves of fear.  Freefloating angst about the future. One thing after another would come to my mind exposing ways in which I am vulnerable to catastrophe and as the book described I felt myself to be the center magnet for all catastrophe.  If it is bad and it can happen to anyone; it will happen to me.  Now those of you who know anything about my life can probably see why I've built up this belief.  My life has been full of drama.   So full that friend after friend (the latest being just today) have come to me and said, "Cyn, we can no longer hang out.  Your life gives me anxiety.  You have just too much drama going on."  Now I do not understand this at all. If I had a friend like me, I would be thanking God daily that I am not my friend.  But needing to back out of a friendship because of someone else's bad fortune??  Sorry.  To me that is kicking someone when they are down.  But it happens. Has happened. Still happens.

Anyway.  The drama in my life had begun to get to me as well and anxiety was the price I was paying.  So I did a search on Amazon for "Christian + Anxiety" and this was one of the top items on that list.  I bought the book and began reading.  And almost instantly, I was amazed.  I was amazed to find that I am a terribly anxious person. ("DUH" my friends all say!)  Anxiety was masquerading as anger, as procrastination, as being needy in my relationships.....all anxiety.  Even the depression that I feel sucking me down into my bed every morning, is likely rooted in anxiety.  And not only that but my husband (who suffers from two anxiety disorders) and my daughter (who suffers from four) all relate to me and to each other based on our mutual anxieties leading up to one  heck of a mess of codependencies.  But the authors are spot on.  They identified me and my hidden tactics with laser accuracy.  Now I'm about to read the second half of the book...the REMEDY.  I'm very eager to see how they suggest to be free of this awful mess.

I know that anxiety is part and parcel of being schizophrenic.  But must it be??  I don't see why it should be a death sentence.  And this book seems to offer some hope.  I will let you know how it all ends up.

The "Who" of Suffering: a review of 'A Glorious Ruin'

Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Replete with examples and quotes from a multiplicity of sources, Tchividjian has written a masterfull treatise on suffering.  Focusing not on the "Why" of suffering but on the "Who" Pastor Tchividjian has reiterated his message from his former book "Jesus+NOthing=Everything".  The good news?  Gospel.  Suffering falls by the wayside in the light of the wonder of what Christ has accomplished for us on the cross.

However, I found this book much harder to follow than the previously mentioned book of this Pastor.  It's message was less clear and it's impact more subdued.  The other book left me wanting to dance....and wanting to quote him all over the place....This book less so.  It was more obtuse, more cluttered and more roundabout.  Nevertheless I was not unhappy to have spent the couple days I spent reading it.  He revealed more to me about the book of Job than I had previously grasped and the last chapter, when he spoke of the coming of the kingdom of heaven and how that will instantly vaporize all of our prior sufferings gave me hope in light of the constant pain I suffer.  As Paul said, "these present sufferings will be as nothing in light of the glory to come."  He offered a number of quotes to reinforce that idea and I so look forward to a day when this life of pain is a distant memory: "A blip on my radar."

All in all the book makes a welcome addition to my collection on the topic of suffering.


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Body Thoughts

My days consist of much the same thing every day.  getting dressed and sometimes showered; washing the dishes from last night's supper; reading my daily Bible (I've decided this year once again to read through the Bible in a year.), cooking a light lunch and a dinner for my husband and myself and I try also to get some kind of exercise in to my day. I used to do 20 minutes to a half hour on my recumbent bike; sometimes ten minutes on the treadmill (all I can do til my hip starts to hurt too much to bear). Now I will be having PT and they will be assigning me exercises to do. The rest of my day is spent on line or reading.

My husband has greatly modified his diet.  Thus far (in just about two weeks) he has lost 11 pounds!!  Why is it that my body won't do that???  My husband would say, "Because you eat at least one bowl of cereal every night" --which is true but even when my calories for the day should allow for that bowl of cereal, I still do not lose anything.  I think it is because I haven't been consistent with any dietary or exercise regimes.  As my husband is forced to maintain such a strict diet, I will also be "forced" to join in and eat more healthfully.  It is hard...there will be no more, "Let's be lazy and get a pizza" nights.  Chinese food, occasionally, is still an option if we eat steamed veggies on brown rice.

My husband bought several cookbooks and eating programs for people with heart disease, Dean Ornish, the originator of the belief that heart disease can be reversed through diet, and a couple of later ones which are a little more lenient.  I will be studying these books later today and in the days to come in order to come up with recipes for menus and shopping lists.

It will be nice to do this as a team....to lose weight together.  I know he will lose it more quickly than I but it is not impossible for me.....I just have to not buy certain things that I know I cannot keep in the house without pigging out on them.  I've got a number of people who are supporting me in this effort online...  Unfortunately I've recently purchased some clothes, beautiful clothes that I can't wait to wear....and I bought them in my current size.  That was probably very stupid.  I was feeling hopeless about losing weight and feeling like maybe I should just get used to this body being the way it is and making it look as good as possible with nice clothes.  Nice BIG clothes.   I'm not sure what to do about it.  Wear the clothes while I have them...and maybe slowly start to purchase some smaller ones..  So that I can ease myself into gear for continuing to lose weight.  Give myself some goal clothes to shoot for.

It's time to just suck it up and DO IT.  Sometimes I think the hardest thing in the world is to get my butt out of this chair and exercise.  I haven't gotten across that magic line where working out becomes essential and fun and just a mandatory part of my day.  If I could just make it across that line I would be good.  I think that THAT should be my focus and my goal...even more important than how I'm eating.  Thus said, It's time for me to get up and do something.  I'll see  you later!!

Can't Touch This!

When I last wrote I was in the middle of a landslide.  Yet I declared my faith in my God and in his ability and willingness to take the mess of our lives and to turn the situations around into goodness and blessing.  And God did not let me down.  Our insurance company paid almost double what we'd anticipated it paying.  We have a conditional approval for our car loan from a bank....all we need is some papers to be filled out.  It may be three weeks before we get our new car and our rental ends on the 18th.  But God intervened here as well and brought us the loan of a truck to bridge the gap.  With the development of every problem was the birth of a new grace.  God returned every lob of the enemy with a slam that kept us in the game.

It has been an amazing week.  And I'm left asking myself "why?"  Was it for the benefit of family members--so that they could see the miracles of God's love for them?  Honestly, I'm not sure that they were paying any  attention.  So maybe all of this was for my benefit??  I've been struggling with anxiety....random panics and attacks of fear.  And yesterday I read an article that said the only real remedy for an anxious heart is a God-sized view of God himself.  If I am able to see God work wonder after wonder in order to save our butts from financial catastrophe then every quaver and waver of anxiety really should be chased away.  I should be able to lie down and sleep in peace because it is the Lord who keeps me in safety.  That is the safest most fear-free place for anyone to be: held in the palm of God's hand.  Here, nothing can touch me.  Here there is no enemy large enough; no threat ominous enough to cause my heart to skip a single beat.


I pray every day for the people who are blind to God's goodness.  I pray that God will tear the blinders from their eyes and touch their hearts with true understanding.  I pray that this will transpire before the day when God draws the line.  But for now, I can view the events of the past week with awe and admiration for the ways the Lord has worked on our behalf and I can praise him for these wonders.  I can chase away every shred of anxiety; every part of my heart that dares to question the goodness of God's heart and his provision for me.  I can rest in complete calm knowing that there is NOTHING on this earth that can touch me apart from the love of God for me and the safety in which he has me couched.

How great is our God!! How majestic is his Name!!

Peace in the Tumult

Jehovah-Shalom: the covenant keeping God of redemption who brings us peace.  I've been in the midst of turbulent waters and my canoe has broken up and vanished quite a while ago.  As you may know, my husband has been facing serious health issues; I've just gotten out of major surgery a week ago tomorrow; and now today I got a phone call that my husband was in a serious car accident.  He had minor injuries but the car was totaled.  Now this is an older car that is still not paid off....and it was paid for through a private loan...which means that the money we receive from the insurance company really should go to the people who hold our loan. Which means that we are in desperate need of a car with which to get my husband to and from work and we have no means of getting one.

Jehovah...how do I lose my fears?  How do I trust this God who tells me to trust him when one by one the columns around me which are supporting the ceiling over my head are crumbling?  It can  only be by having a right-sized view of God.  God is on the move in my life.  He is actively at work.  I have thrown myself at his feet in intercession and petition.  I have comforted myself with the knowledge that he knows perfectly well what he is up to and he WILL bring it to pass with or without my permission.  God has proven himself time and again to be a big God who has provided over and over exactly what we need.  Now, it is true.  What I think I need and what God thinks I need may be two different things. Me? I would choose a cushy path. A path without too many bumps and twists and not too many challenges.  God however is the God of the roller coaster.  The God of death spirals and gut wrenching drops.  He is a God who writes the plot to a movie that leaves you gasping in your seat; afraid to peek through the fingers you hold over your eyes...a plot that has 3,000 threads.....and it ends with every thread contributing to a beautiful bow with which God ties up the plot....with every fear allayed. every need met, every love returned, every danger tamed.

That's how God writes scripts.  And that is what he is doing in  my life right now.  I don't know what he's up to.  I don't know how he will pull it off....I just know that he WILL accomplish his purposes in whatever it is he has planned for me and for my family.  I know that our only safety; our only peace is in Jehovah-Shalom.  He is the only source of safety, provision, health and life , and comfort. I just need to stay out of his way as he goes to work.  I just need to pray rather than panic.

Please pray for my family and myself.  Pray that God gets the job done that he has begun.  Pray for our peace in the midst of it.

Walking From East to West; a Review

Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows by Ravi Zacharias
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Ravi Zacharias has long been one of my very favorite speakers and he has impressed me with his intelligence and scholarship....so I was amazed to find that this was not always the case.  Not always purposeful; not always cheerful; not always a good student; not even always wanting to live...rather these things are all benefits of his conversion.  To find this flower of faith has its roots in the mud of failure and discouragement was astonishing to me.  God has indeed worked a miracle of transformation in Ravi and I was intrigued by his story and thrilled by the work of redemption God has wrought in this man. I would recommend this book to anyone, even to those unfamiliar with RAvi's work.


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The State of the Union

This past Wed. I had a Left hip revision where they redid my hip replacement and put new hardware in.  The anesthesiologist and I talked for quite a while prior to the surgery and came up with a game plan.  The result? I woke up clear minded...now fogginess and no confusion.  The surgery went without a hitch and my pain levels are manageable.  On Friday I was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital in NJ.  It's a lovely place (I've been here twice before) and I don't mind coming here at all.

Sadly I received news that a good friend of mine died yesterday also.  Esther was beloved and held a special place in the hearts of all who knew her.  I will miss her a great deal.  I was one of (maybe the only one) the ones before whom she "let down her hair" and told me of her questions about God and her doubts in the face of her pain and bilateral leg amputations.  When I needed someone to understand my pain, it was her that I called and visa versa.  Now she is with Jesus, on two good legs and in no more pain.  She is waiting for me to join her so we can run through the fields and meadows of heaven hand in hand, as she told me in one of her frequent cards to me.  I so look forward to the fulfillment of that prophecy.

Anyway...that's what's going on.
And my husband is undergoing his first really major health challenge.  Please keep him in prayer.