It all Depends on your Perspective

Yesterday, my cup was full.  Not of blessings or wonders but of pain, insult, injury, and exhaustion.  I'd learned that a close and trusted friend said something unkind about me and this wounded me immensely.  But today on SZ.com it was brought to my attention that we ALL talk about people from time to time and were they to know what we said, they would be wounded and insulted also, even though that was  not in any way our intention.  Face it.  We are just not meant to know everything that is said about us.

And the person who pointed that out to me also said that she was sure that the number of people praying for me and thinking well of me far exceeded the number of those talking trash.  And she is so right about that. I'm constantly struck and amazed by the number of people who pray for me.  People I 've never even met.

Pain was a big issue last night.  I woke in terrible pain and it lasted throughout the night despite the extra pain medicine I took.  And face it; pain just colors everything in your world with a dark black crayon.

Here is something I wrote for my FB status:

The trick with New Years is not to focus on the horrors of past years but to embrace the benefits this new year holds out to us. A fresh start....putting the past behind us where it belongs, resourcing all of the energy we have to do it better than we did in the past and a determination to focus on the grace that God extends to us in the concept of a new beginning. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. And grip more tightly the hand he holds out to us.

 I need to learn to hold the negatives lightly and to grip the positives with all my might.  Sometimes the balance does go in the other direction: when things are generally rotten and there is little that is apparent that is positive.  And there are three important words there, "That is Apparent"....Sometimes the biggest blessings are the least conspicuous.   And unless we learn to mine out those blessings and thank God for them, our lives will be grim and not pleasing to God....nor to ourselves.  I will let you in on a secret.  There are ALWAYS more blessings than there are burdens.  We just need to learn to focus our hearts on them.

Yesterday my gaze slipped from the "blessings" to the "burdens" and I felt overwhelmed and defeated.  Things are still very tough today.  They will be enormously challenging for probably the rest of my life...I just need to learn to tighten my grip. Here is a verse that means a lot to me:

Psalm 37:24

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁴ When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One ^[a]who holds his hand.

Notice it says "WHEN he falls"  Falling is a given.  It's what happens after the fall that is important....or maybe during the fall....we are holding tightly to his hand...NO! scratch that.  It is GOD who is holding OUR hand.  The verse is clear on that.  So we will stumble...but we won't be flattened.  I always picture a father holding the hand of a toddler baby who is just learning to walk. The dad lifts that baby up by the hand every time they trip so that they never actually make contact with the ground.  That is how God holds us.

So in this new year  may your focus be on the positive.   May you not let go of the hand  that holds you and remember, those who are for you outnumber those who oppose you.  May your year be chock full of the  blessings of God and may you be aware of every one of them.

tiredness and pain

Warning: this post can prove dangerous to your positivity.

I'm tired.  Tired of pain.  Tired of people. Tired of problems.  Tired of the struggle it takes to do the simplest thing. I do not wish to go beyond my surgery on Wed.  If it were to all come to a close there on the operating table, that would be just fine with me.

I went to bed early tonight, wanting to close the  curtain on this lousy day....and woke up in horrific pain.  There's no escape even in sleep.

Where He Leads Me....

Yesterday, early, the phone rang.  It was my husband...the first thing he said sent shivers down my spine.  He said, "I'm okay" which is terrifying because you know there is more coming.  No one calls someone just to tell them they are okay unless there is a reason why they shouldn't be.  He told me, I'm in the Emergency Room and they are admitting me.  Immediately, I knew the reason why.  He'd been suffering for days from severe chest pain. (yeah, for days.  And YES, I told him to go to the hospital but he had to wait until it became unbearable.)

I had thoughts.  I thought of losing him.  I thought of his needing a bipass surgery like his mom had (three of them).  I thought of both of us being disabled....who would do the laundry, shovel the snow, carry the groceries?  I had thoughts of being alone.  I had financial worries.  And after all of those fearful things passed through my head came a peace.  God is in control.  Years ago I had told God to do whatever was necessary to make my husband get right with him.  And while this event may be part of that process, I don't believe that God would take him from me before his eternal status was settled.  Not unless there was no longer any hope of that....and I do not believe that is yet the case.

My daughter said to me through tears, "It must be nice to have that kind of faith."  I said, "Yes, it is."  but somehow "nice" didn't seem like an appropriate word.  It doesn't feel "nice."  It is not like I can whistle and skip my way through these deep and dangerous waters.  I cannot shut my heart to the suffering of my husband...nor to the thoughts of the future.  However.  There is peace.  It is the "peace that surpasses all understanding " that Scripture talks about.

This morning I was reading a chapter written on the 23rd Psalm.  I know the Shepherd is leading me.  It is evident that he has led me, led us all, into this dark valley.  But even in the darkest of valleys I know I need fear no evil.  I have the comfort of the shepherd's rod....which is meant to crush the skull of any enemy predator.  Satan does not have free reign here.  He would love to take my husband before he is ready...but my Lord's rod will prevent that.  And I have the comfort of the staff.  The staff is the one the shepherd will use as we his sheep may take a wrong turn and stray from the ordained path.  I know that my steps are ordered by the Lord and in these future days as we have decisions to make that staff will guide us and protect us from wrong moves.

So this morning, I have peace.  It is not a place of complete comfort but it is a place of safety and harbor.  It is the security you can find when you know that the One in charge of all of the events of your life is on your side and will do nothing apart from that position.  Even if things get difficult, I know that my needs will all be provided for and so will those of my family.  God has done some awesome things in the life of my family...protecting and providing for us....all of us.  Because I am his and because the Lord loves my daughter and my husband as much as he loves me and he is committed to do everything possible to get them in to the places in which they need to be in terms of a relationship with him.  And he will meet their needs because he has committed to meet mine.

So for now. I wait.  I wait for the doctors  to make their next move and I wait for our next steps to be revealed.  But I wait in the peaceful harbor of God's perfect will.  And I know that he goes before me where ever it is that he will lead.

Bring his Light....

So we had about an inch or two of snow fall between Christmas Eve and Christmas.....so officially we had a "white Christmas"....but that wasn't good enough.  The white Winter witch (a la CS Lewis) has sent another storm....a real one this time and we will be snowed in for at least a day or two.  They are saying that there will be power outages.  I'm sincerely sincerely hoping not.  We have electric heat, well, cooking....and with temperatures like these the house will not be inhabitable.  I will go over to my friend's house.  They have a wood stove and a generator.  My joints cannot tolerate cold.  Mostly I'm just hoping and praying that things stay status quo.

I wrote another story.  At Thanksgiving I wrote one and now, at Christmas too.  When the disappointment of my reality sets in I write a fantasy...a story where things are better.....where relationships are loving and where the Holidays have meaning.  Now I know that the holidays have meaning beyond my good "cheer"....I know that Christ's birth is just as important; just as worthy of remembrance whether my family gets along and gets together or not.  In fact, it's in the sadness of our heart; it's in the loneliness of our rooms; in the discord of our home that Christmas rings loudest. It screams out, begging us to hear: it doesn't need to be this way!  God came to correct human selfishness; he came to be a balm to hurting hearts; he came to neutralize the bitterness of spirit that comes when things don't go our way.  Christ comes to our heart's home and finds only an inn with a dirty manger out back.  And it is just by his presence there that all mangers changed forever.  There was never a dirty stall that could be looked at in just the same way forever after.

Christ's presence betters dirty stalls.  He sweetens bitter spirits.  He tempers raging tempers.  He raises us and illuminates every place he finds himself.  It is merely our job to let him in....to offer him that stall, that manger, that heart.  And in places where the hearts of others are hard and closed....then we just tuck him into our own vest and bring him shining and glowing through our own spirit into situations that he would not other wise have access to.

Won't you bring the Christ into the situations you find yourself in for the days to come?  Can you not agree to let his light shine from your eyes, his words of love come from your lips, his forgiveness in the face of wrong be extended from your hand to a hurting and lost world?  There is  a whole world that Jesus needs to come to....and for now he's chosen us as his mangers...we are the shelters for the Christ ...we are the arm which extends to bear the lantern to the dark corners of the globe....dark corners where we walk and live.  Let his light Shine in the cold night.  Peace on earth.  Good will to men.

The Fruit of Emmanuel

I was just reading a blog about how Christmas is all about God's desire to spend time with us and how this was wrapped up in the name given to the Messiah by Isaiah: Emmanuel which means "God with us." (I will give the link to this article at the end of my post).....Christ's mission on earth was to clear up the obstacles of sin that were obstructing his ability to commune with us.  He did this, as most of us know, by dying on the cross, the perfect for the imperfect, to pay our debt of sin before God the Father, so that God --in the form of the Holy Spirit--could live in mankind for all eternity.

In that article were given some verses in which Jesus talked about this plan of his.  One of them was this :

If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples. (John 15:7-8, NKJV)

And as I read this verse the thought crossed my mind, "What is the 'fruit' that God wants us to bear?"
Immediately,like all good Sunday-schoolers, the thought came to my mind that the "fruit" are the souls that we help to usher into the Kingdom.   And as I thought that, the Holy Spirit buzzer went off in my head.  BZZZZZZT, "Wrong answer"

So I got to thinking...what does the Bible say about Fruit?  Well, what about the "fruits of the Spirit"?

Galatians 5:22 and 23 say this:
²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

 And to throw further light on it, read on a few verses:

²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. ²⁵ Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. (the New Living Translation)

So what is this all saying?  It's saying that the "fruit" that we are supposed to be producing in our lives comes from "hanging out with (abiding in)" Christ Jesus. (Emmanuel, God with us)
and what that does is that it gets rid of all our fleshly bad habits and the foulness that our spirit was born with  and it replaces it with the "fruit"...which just means looking and sounding like and acting more like Jesus.

And THAT friends is "Emmanuel"--- God with us and through us and in us and around us.  God all over the place.  And less and less of the old "you" and "me."  And THAT friends is Christmas.
The Baby Jesus was our introduction from God to us.
And yeah....we can already see some of that fruit in that manger scene.  
There was JOY.
There was PATIENCE (after all, hadn't mankind been waiting for centuries for that moment?  So had God.  And he was patient to wait for just the right moment in history.)
There was GENTLENESS
There was LOVE and KINDNESS, 
And MEEKNESS (Humility and gentleness wrapped together)

Yep, Jesus in his birth, came to the Earth reeking of the goodness of Heaven.  The wonderfulness (I know that is not a word!) of God his Father. 

And he came here. Not only to hang out with us....but to make us like himself....so that we would later be suited to live in his Kingdom.  He came to make us disciples. He came to be our Teacher.  He came to make us living breathing examples of all the goodness that is Jesus....and by this he drew all men toward himself.

Here is that link:
http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/devotions/vonbuseck-christmas-god-with-us.aspx

Pre-surgical, end-of-the-world Jitters

The clock is ticking.
It's ticking toward three things.  1:  my surgery  2: Christmas and 3: the end of the world.
Now the end of the world is supposed to come tomorrow.  Which --although it would be nice to be around for Christmas--would redeem itself by eradicating my surgery.  I am NOT looking forward to it.  Tomorrow I have presurgical testing.  My breathing has not been the greatest but I doubt that it is anything that the relatively unspecialized ears of a hospitalist would be able to pick up.  My pulmonologist on the other hand, can tell from across the room when I'm having trouble.  So the surgery is unlikely to be cancelled because of that.  In fact I've been pretty healthy so unless I should come down with something later next week, it looks like the surgery is a go.

I've had more surgeries than you could shake a stick at and more than I can name.  I have never ever been so nervous about a surgery as I am about this one.  It's not so much the surgery itself that scares me; it's that first week afterward.  I will have to get a doctor to agree to prescribe at least as much pain meds as I am already taking.  It is highly doubtful they will prescribe more than that.  It is somewhat doubtful that they will even honor the dose my pain management doc has me on.  I'm scared of withdrawal.  I'm scared of trying to maneuver around the tight quarters in my bedroom.  I seriously hope I can go to rehab or at least to a subacute care facility like I did last time. 

It is the thought of coming home fresh from the OR, having to manage my deck stairs and dealing with bathing and dressing here on my own that has me terrified.  If I go to rehab and then I have a home health aide and an at home PT person like I did for the past three hip replacement surgeries, then I will be fine.  So. it worked out three times before. NO reason to think it won't work out now,  right?  RIGHT???

no.
none.

So, Cynthia.  Stop panicking.  Stop praying that the Mayans were on to something and just relax.  All will be well.  However.  Those of you who recall back to my last hip replacement will recall, that there was a decided infestation of bats in my belfry.  Should that occur again...1) Please realize that I respond badly to anesthesia and 2) Please begin to pray that my mind rebounds and recovers...because the chance is there that it could be permanent....and none of us wants that.

So tomorrow I will go and answer a thousand questions; Pee in a cup;  hear the nurse freak out about how bad my veins are and watch her dig around in there to find a vein that will yield some blood;  Have Xrays of my chest/lungs and talk to a doctor who will decide whether or not this whole thing will take place or not. And then there will be nothing in between me and that surgery except Christmas....and maybe the end of the world.

One can only hope.

Lessons of Schizophrenia- a Repost from 2010

Someone has recently asked me what lessons I’ve learned from my journey through life as a mentally ill person. In other words, “what have I taken from my experiences?” That is an interesting question.

I think number one would be: “Don’t trust yourself.” Often what I see, think, hear, feel, smell or taste, is not really factual. So I live constantly questioning my perceptions of reality. The part which is most disturbing to me is my inability to trust my thoughts. Sometimes an idea that I get will seem SO rational, SO logical and completely supported by fact…and several days later, I will look at an email I sent based on that presumption…and think, “How could I have thought that?” Or someone else will inform me that my thinking is completely paranoid based on something I’ve said….when it seems perfectly reasonable to me. That is a horrible way to live. But I suppose that there are some good things to be said for it.

For one, it is a real pride slayer. It is a very humbling experience to discover constantly that I have made a complete fool of myself because of something I’ve thought or said or done as a result of something I’ve perceived that isn’t true. And even worse is to have to admit that to people. It’s like the Fonz struggling to say “I was wrrrrong”— and I have to admit that a lot. And of course there are times when I cling to my beliefs and refuse to admit it, and that usually leads to conflict or people walking away shaking their heads.

It also has taught me to depend more on God, to know that not only am I fallible, I am likely wrrrrong. So I sometimes need to delay my impulse to press “send” and pray about it for a while first.

It has also taught me something else…That senses are not infallible and they cannot always be trusted. In other words: Reality may not be as we perceive it to be. This idea is helpful…in thinking about God, in relationships, in thinking about Heaven …etc. There is more (or other) than what we know (or think we do)….

What else have I learned? To lower my expectations. There are people who would say this is not a good thing to have learned….and maybe it isn’t, but it certainly makes living with this kind of disability more tolerable. When I was in high school, I dreamed big…I had full scholarships to any college I wanted to attend. I was recognized by all who knew me as academically, musically, and artistically gifted. I expected to conquer the world…and others expected that of me too. My yearbook was full of notes from students and teachers expressing their high hopes for me. And less than a year later, it all fell apart when I had my first psychotic/depressive episode.

The problem was, for many years after that, I could not let go of those high hopes…the anticipation of a notable life. And that was the source of much agony for me. I’ve had to learn to measure the successfulness of my days by a wholly different set of criteria. Now, if I take a shower and brush my teeth and wash the dishes, it is a successful day. And I’ve had to learn to take pleasure in those small victories—or at least to find some satisfaction in them. Or at least, not to be disappointed that I didn’t win a Noble prize that day.

While some people would argue that it is not healthy to lower our expectations or to give up our dreams I would respond by saying that it takes a humbler spirit to be content with what we have. I heard once that happiness does not consist of getting what we want, but in being content with what we have. I could name many wealthy, famous people who are miserable….despite their accomplishments. So what really have they gained?

Now I don’t want to give the impression that I am happy that I have this disease….I really hate it….I hate what it’s done to me, my life and to my family. But people can come to accept something that they hate (like having cancer or the death of a loved one) and still go on to find some happiness and satisfaction in their lives.

So (and I’m still working on this by the way) it has been important for me to firstly, admit to others and to myself that I HAVE schizophrenia; and secondly, to alter my life expectations because my old ones were making me miserable as I failed, over and over to attain them. Years ago, I could read a 600 page book easily in one day. Now, if I finish a book at ALL from cover to cover, that makes me very happy…regardless of how long it took me. I have a choice there. I can be miserable because what was once easy is now difficult, or I can take joy in the fact of my accomplishment considering my limitations. There are still times when I think sadly of the might-have-been’s and I do avoid reading my high school year book….but I am learning this lesson slowly and persistently.

And finally, this disease (accompanied by my health problems) has given me an acute thirst and longing for the New Earth (or Heaven)…. I so much anticipate the time when I will be free of this and able to realize some of the potential I was born with…and much more besides. This longing helps me in that it affects my attitude toward this life it gives me Hope. And Hope is a valuable gift to gain.

Tears

I feel hesitant to write.  Unqualified to speculate on the sadness that is gripping our nation for twenty four or five children who have gone to be with Jesus; at the grief of the parents they've left behind..those unopened Christmas presents.  The silence on Christmas morning.

I give you a song.  In fact this whole album speaks to the pain that is ripping us apart.  Go to this site and download the album, or at least listen to the songs.
songsforsinging.bandcamp.com/track/the-one-we-long-for

To those who are dealing with loss today....loss of any kind: I pray for you.  I pray:

Lord Jesus....you see this sorrow.  You hear the thoughts and the muffled tears. You know the private agony being experienced today.  God, bring your comfort.  Bring to us the hope of redemption.  Bring to us the confidence in the fact of justice.  Wrap your loving arms around the sad hearts of our Nation today and assure us that there will be a time for those who love you, where Death will no longer have a say.  Where Evil and Cruelty do not exist any longer.  Bring that time quickly LOrd and may it find us ready to receive it.
In the Holy, loving name of Jesus I pray.
Amen.

Love like a Partridge

I received in my email today, a story about how two men were walking in a wood where recently a forest fire had ravaged.  They encountered a crusted torched partridge sitting on the ground, her body now only ash.  The man knocked it over with a stick and out scrambled her little chicks, unharmed.  The partridge could have flown to safety but chose instead to die for her chicks.

And then in today's email came the verse of the day (I love how God always gives me a relevant verse to what I'm going through or thinking about. )  Here is the verse.

Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.  Eph 5:2

Note the sacrificial nature of love.  Love that does not cost us something is not love.  In conversation, do we love others?  We may be right in an argument or discussion (or think we are right)...but is the loving thing to prove ourselves to be right or is it to consider the feelings of the person with whom we are talking?  We sometimes need to sacrifice our pride and our belief that we have all the facts for the love of another.  And that is a small sacrifice compared to the partridge...compared to Jesus.

When we sacrifice ourselves in such a  manner this pleases God just like the sweet fragrance of perfume. And when we push ourselves and our agenda at the expense of others....I believe that we are a stench in the nostrils of God--or a clanging cymbal in his ears.  ( If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 1 Cor. 13:1,2 )   I don't know about you, but I want to be perfume or a pleasant sound and to bring God pleasure

Smells like Redemption

I was reading a devotional yesterday by Prayfit and it said that exercise is not good for your body.  It tears down muscles among other things.  But the great part....the reason we exercise is because of the way the body "comes back" after being damaged. Damaged muscles get replaced by new and improved, stronger muscles.

Today, in my daily verse email there was this verse: 

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3

 Just as the prayfit devotional did, I would suggest that you welcome troubles, inconveniences, pain, insults, and hassles as spiritual training.  See it as a tough day at the gym....one where you come out sweating and bruised and feeling great!!!  Because you see that's how redemption works.  It tears you down....all those human responses and natural impulsive reactions get destroyed and in their place comes new Heavenly "muscle" which respond in grace and in love.
So next time someone cuts you off and steals your parking place tell yourself, "Smells like redemption."
Here's the link to the Prayfit devotional. http://www.prayfit.com/2012/12/feels-like-redemption-3/
I just re-read it and saw that he used the same scripture reference that came to my email this morning. Guess God is trying to tell me something.

Truth is folks, we are in training.  In training to be able to breathe heaven's air and walk on heaven's grass.  If you've ever read "The Great Divorce" by CS Lewis, you'll know that this is no small task.

Loving God

Every day I get a Scripture passage delivered to my email....and this is today's verse:

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

 I had to question myself after reading that...I asked, "Do I love God?"  This is an important question --we must absolutely be sure of the answer to it.  Do I NOT do some things out of love for God?  Do I DO other things because I love him?  You might think this is a stupid exercise, but really ask yourself these questions.  When you put your offering into the plate at church, do you do it with a heart full of love for God?  When you say no to the offer of some more dessert--do you do it out of love for God, to please him?  Or do you do it out of love for self and how you look in your jeans?  The Bible says "Whatever you do, what ever you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God."  why?  Because you love him.

Do I patiently endure testing and temptation?  Well sometimes...I endure pain....because I have to.  But do I do it out of love for God?  What about the  temptation to finish the last doughnut? Do I endure that temptation.....because I love God.?  Or do I gratify self?  Do I use my pain to gratify self and get others to feel badly for me?

I don't know about you folks....but I need a fine tuning  My baseline, home plate position must be one of love for God so that every act I do, every experience I experience is centered around my love for God.  Because if it's not, I'm here for my SELF and not for God...and I don' t want to go where that leads.

A Prophet and a Prayer

¹⁶ I trembled inside when I heard this;
    my lips quivered with fear.
My legs gave way beneath me,^[d]
    and I shook in terror.
I will wait quietly for the coming day
    when disaster will strike the people who invade us.
¹⁷ Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
    He makes me as surefooted as a deer,^[e]
    able to tread upon the heights.

 

Habakkuk prayed this prayer waiting in terror for the judgement of the Lord to fall.  And in verses 17-19 he spoke words that would be classic.  Today I read a blog written by a woman with Addison's Disease who was once again going through deep waters.  And in the comments, a woman  listed simply as "Carmen" quoted these verses and then wrote her own version for her own circumstances.  I was struck by that and thought that I too, would like to attempt this.

Even though its winter and sidewalks are ice-covered

and many people are unemployed.

Even though finances shrink and bills abound,

Even though I now am having more surgery

Which will keep me from being able to produce ANYTHING

and will prevent me from exercising indoors or out

Even though pain will escalate and sleep will flee

YET I will rejoice in the Lord,, the one who saves me!

I will be jubilant in the Care of the Father Eternal!

It is HE who gives me strength! 

It is HE who determines my weight and way and strength.

And whether or not I can walk or run,

He will make me surefooted as I maneuver my way

Amongst the challenges I will face as I walk this path.

http://www.stolenwoman.blogspot.com/2012/12/urgent-care-steroids-and-antibiotics.html This is the link to the blog from where I stole this idea.

 

Remembering Christmas- a Review

Remembering Christmas by Dan Walsh

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I'm not one for fatuous happily ever after stories and I confess have never before read a "Christmas Book,"but I thought I would break from my person tradition and read this book by Dan Walsh.  It was engaging; the story line was fairly simple and straightforward.  It is the kind of book that renews hope for the hard hearted that populate your prayer list, the story of a how love changed a life and brought that life to the arms of the one who invented Love.  The fact that they found love along the way was just an added feel good in the book.  It was simple without being fatuous; happy without being sappy; a love story without mush or sex; and most importantly, it was the story of a life changed by love.



View all my reviews

Pre-Surgical Prayer

http://jlarance.wordpress.com/2010/09/14/photographs-of-doctors-in-sugery/

 The  day started with early dishes then back to recline, slumber drawing my lids.  My friend arrived to clean my house.  I should have worked out and showered but because I could not work it around her, I did neither ....Nor did I fully dress....wearing for the most part, what  I wore yesterday.  Today, dread has clutched my throat.  Worry about the impending surgery has grabbed my thoughts.  How will they get an IV line in me? How will I get down into DH's car to come home?  Who will cook? I should certainly cook ahead and freeze meals. Oh! I am afraid!

Then Ann Voskamp wrote, that "when you are turned away from God, life turns ugly, but when you are turned toward God, life turns lovely."  ( http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/12/the-best-way-to-do-christmas-cleaning/ )

She then went on to quote Spurgeon...with a quote that ended with "The sacred has absorbed the secular."  How quiet work becomes a sacrament.  our breath, Incense.

Is my life turned toward God?  I have to answer that right now, It' s not.  But I desire it to be.  "Lord, turn my heart toward you in the manner that Mary turned her soul toward you to receive from your Spirit the seed of the Messiah.  Implant in me you will; your ways; your wishes...make them my own.  Then turn my work into sacrament; my clothing to vestments.

"As I surrender my body to the needle and knife, may it be YOU holding the blade.  Cut out of me that which is broken and obdurate and  implant in me something steady, shining; that turns on its axis in the direction you shall point.  May it be secure, dependable. May it live and move directed by you; pleasing to you."

I will give him the details and trust that he make them right and smooth.

The Sacrifice of Praise

Maybe some of you know this about me: I am fat.  LOL....I refuse to use a euphimism like "overweight" or "plump"....It's true that my weight gain is not entirely my fault.  I've been on steroids for months at a time and if you've ever been on a high dose of those, you know that you are NOT in control of what you put in your mouth.  NOR are you in control of what your body does with what you put in your mouth.  Guaranteed, it will put it in the worst two places possible: your stomach and your face.  However, months have passed since my last bout with steroids and I have only lost ten pounds of the ummmm 70 I regained. (after losing 70 two or three years ago).  Why is that?  I eat too much --although honestly, I do not eat massive quantities of things very often....but the truth is: if it is in my house-- I will eat it.  So the trick is not to allow things into my house.

Mistake of the day?  I baked cookies today.  True they are "only " 50 calories per cookie and filled with nutritious stuff like flaxseed meal nonetheless, 50x 10 =500.  So you see where I'm going here.
And this is after a week of eating within my calorie range and exercising almost every day. I"m thinking that these cookies are gonna have to go into the trash can.

Anyway...today, I saw a website called Prayfit.com and it is all about getting our bodies and our souls into shape (not in that order).  It's about our spiritual obligation to be physically as healthy as we can be.  I honestly am NOT as healthy as I can be.  But I desperately want to be so.  And I have not been approaching this task in the true sense that it is: a spiritual quest.  Getting my body into shape is an act of praise to my Creator.  And knowing that puts an altogether new slant on whether or not to pop that cookie into my mouth.

David said, I will not offer a sacrifice to God that costs me nothing.  Abraham was willing to offer the love of his life, his own son, - a sacrifice as costly as they come. Surely I can  offer God the sacrifice of the food I could eat but really should  not eat?  Surely I can offer to sweat for the sake of the Lord?  Surely the pain of some sore muscles is not too much to demand of myself on his behalf.  True. My body is not your ordinary body.  I have artificial hips - that keep dislocating; I have shoulder joints that are bone grinding on bone; I have feet that are so painful that it feels like I'm walking on broken glass.  PLUS, I cannot breathe with any ease.

HOWEVER: God gave me this body.  It is not to much to ask that I do everything in my power to make it a healthy weight and a decent strength...and to do so with the intention of bringing him honor and praise for the strength and health he has given me.  So that, folks, is my new quest.  I will bring you along for the ride and will report to you my progress, thoughts and struggles.  And the website I recommend you check out is www.prayfit.com

Missing You

I'm learning to adjust these days, having been left to my own devices by the illness of my chat buddy, who has been gone now for about three weeks.  She was admitted unexpectedly because of severe anemia...they tranfused her with a total of four units....but she became unstable with respiratory problems....ended up going on a vent, having heart surgery and is now in a rehab type facility, still on a ventilator.  I've been worried, sad, lonely, and bored to tears without her in my life to chat with.  I miss those days when pain would awaken me and I would turn the computer on at 2:00 AM and find her there. Our conversations at those times were funny.  They looked something like this.:

"Are you sleepy???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????]???????????????????????????????????
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"No, not yetttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttjjkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll"

LOL.  no but seriously, we've shared a lot of laughs and I am intimately acquainted with her family as she is with mine....just by sharing each other's lives on a day to day basis.

I am praying fervently for you, my friend....You HAVE to come back to me.  That is what I want for Christmas.  For you to be well and able to talk again.

Promethean Failures

Sistine Chapel ceiling: Creation of Adam

I've been reading books on creativity lately. Art and Fear, which discussed the factors which cause artists to give up in despair and to cease working, is the one I finished most recently.  The book impacted me as it as it fleshed out the factors in creativity which make it so particularly demanding upon the artist. The term, "struggling artist" refers not only to the artist's financial status but to their angst of soul the great strain that they undergo in striving to create works of art: the Promethean agony of of the daily gorging of our livers in penance for our audacious attempts to create.

I had gotten new software for my tablet as I mentioned in my past post,  the software multiplies my ability to create infinitely; however with that ability comes much complexity and the need to learn and to understand the new software. I'm not positive I'm up to the task.  What had slowed me in the discovery of this technically demanding factor, was the fact that my brand-new pen was not functioning properly. It was not until today that I was able to combine pieces from my old and new pens to make one functioning pen and thus, was able to dive into the deep waters of the new software.

I have an idea for a painting –in fact  for a series of paintings– and they've been brewing for weeks while I was waiting to obtain the media necessary to create them. Now finally, with nothing in my way, I began to work and discovered that what was in my way still was ignorance of the new software. Not only that but the piece I'm working on now may not lend itself to the discipline of watercolor, which is how I'd initially planned to produce it.so I gave up in disgust and picked up the newest book I'm reading called  Into the Depths of God  by Calvin Miller.

Calvin Miller was, if you ask me, one of the greatest writers of Christian mysticism and discipline that existed in the the last century.  It was with great  sadness that I read today of his death but the truth is that he left us with an amazing  treasury of work, among which is this book. There is a chapter in it entitled "Aesthetics: Enjoying the Beauty of God"and in this chapter Miller describes the task of Christian artist and he bemoans the stunning failure with which we have met met this demand.  We have been relegated to PowerPoint choruses accompanied by more or less talented {usually less} drummers and guitarists.  The art which adjoins my churches walls is: missions posters, some banners, and craft–fully created collages of missionaries and their work. The building itself is singularly lacking in beautyand I would not define anything that exists within its walls as beautiful except the people which come to worship there. Have we forgotten that God is beautiful?? And that he is to be worshiped in the beauty of holiness?  Where has the beauty gone?

Rubens: Descent from the Cross

I confess that I am guilty of the fear that one feels when faced with the idea of creating something beautiful for God.. I feel inept, unworthy, and unskilled when called to the challenge of creating something for God's admiration. But mustn't we try, with every fiber of our being, to do just that? Isn't one of  man's highest callings to create a work which worships God and which places worship in the hearts of men who view the work? Should not our work reflect the Heaven for which we are aimed and headed? In the often quoted paragraph by CS Lewis which ends  with the sentence "We are far too easily satisfied with making pies in the mud..."it may not only refer to man's preoccupation with earthly matters but also with man's lack of aspiration in terms of his art. It does not embarrass us– as it should– to only produce sub-par work and then have the nerve to place it within God's   house or even in our own house where we will view it with eyes made by God!

The stakes are high and it is no wonder that my hand trembles when I pick up that the pen with which to paint.  It is no wonder that would-be artists, hang up their smocks, retire their easels, and take up plumbing instead. And yet is there no higher calling for which we might be delighted to be called? Is it better to be called to preach?  to care for the dying, a la Mother Theresa? No, This is right up there alongside those: the zenith; the summit; the Mount Everest of our calling and it is one that we sadly neglect.  We share in the Creator Heart of God and create works which magnify, extol and please Him.  What could be greater?