God with Us

I finally got the software I've been lusting after, Studio ArtRage Pro.  With this I will be able finally to do watercolors on my cyber tablet.  I also bought a replacement pen for the tablet because mine was broken.  Frustration piled upon frustration however because the pen for some reason, isn't working properly.  I contacted Adesso who thought it was an issue with the drivers.  They sent me a new driver and while it helped, it did not solve the problem.  I'm so frustrated by this delay.  I have two paintings on a back burner and I'm eager to get to them.

While technology opens many doors a slight technical snaffoo can completely derail our attempts to use our equipment.  Face it, there are not too many technical difficulties one can encounter with a pencil and a paint brush!  And if you do encounter a problem, they are the type of issues that we can deal with using our common sense.  When a tablet malfunctions, unless you are a genius engineer, there is very little we can do about it... we are helpless.  We are dependent.

So it is we are forced to deal in extremes...either the sky is the limit---or you are completely shut down....I'm so frustrated by this pen issue, it makes me want to attempt to revert to manual methods of art making.  However my disease prevents that from working also.  My hands just will not cooperate with a brush and pen and paint. 

So I"m screwed...

...Dependent on an answer from the help desk at Adesso.

It just gets me thinking about dependance and helplessness.  None of us like to be helpless  or dependent on something to function in order for us to be effective at doing what we need or want to do.  I was thinking about how God, was totally in control of every aspect --of himself and of his creation.  If he wanted to flood the earth, he could; to send a plague:done!  If he wanted to fly from one corner of the earth to the opposite side, or to another galaxy....just think the thought and he was there!

That God.  With that kind of power....set it all aside.  Accepted the tight quarters, extreme helplessness and dependence of a womb. He came onto the scene in a filthy stable.  Child of a poor couple....not even in charge of his own bowel movements.  I cannot wrap my mind around that.  That is like the most tech savvy guru suddenly unable to play a crossword puzzle....whereas before, every piece of accessible information was at his fingertips.  It's like a world class gymnast, who was in charge of every muscle, suddenly suffering spinal cord injury and not being able to move a finger.  God did this and more. He did it voluntarily.  Why? To be Emmanuel.  God with us.
WE are dependent.  We came into the world via the same helpless manner.  He wanted to be one of us. To know our frustrations... to share our dependance.

Emmanuel. God with us.

Cogitations

I went shopping with my friend on the Saturday after Black Friday.  I went in my wheelchair and we got to the mall early so there were no big crowds to contend with.   By the time we left the mall, that was changing.  All in all we spent a lovely, rather painless day shopping.  Of course, I spent more than I intended to.  I got an outfit and a sweater and a  new pillow and new sheets for my bed.  Today, (CyberMonday)  I finished up my Christmas shopping.  I am in good shape now for the holidays.

The worst part though is yet to come.

Wrapping

Yes, I confess, I'm a clutz when it comes to wrapping although I do have to say that working in a printshop and wrapping reams of paper did help me quite a bit in the flat box department. But change the shape and I'm lost.  I once had a friend who treated the wrapping like an act of love.  Her packages were so beautiful that it was sad to open them.  I suppose it really does add to the overall experience to make them a work of art but I don't feel very artistic when faced with a pile of presents and some rolls of paper....  I feel like running.

And now I'm thinking of the house.  It needs decoration.  Face it.  Christmas in an undecorated house has just got to be sad.  In years past my husband has told me not to decorate because it was a guarantee that I would get sick and be in the hospital and then come home all steroid-weak and it would be April before the decorations would get put away.  Last year my friend (the same one who took me shopping) said, "Phooey to that.  You need decorations."  And singlehandedly she put away the decour already out there and brought in the Christmas things.  And she put them all away again after Christmas too...

That, folks, is a true friend.


I cannot assume she will do the same this year so I need to have a plan to try to get it done.  Maybe if I "undecorate" on one day....and save bringing the Christmas stuff in for a day later I could do it.  I will definitely need help carrying in the crates though from the garage.  If I tried to do that I'd end up on a ventilator....Maybe if I undecorate this week sometime, my husband will carry stuff in on the weekend when he is off.
Maybe.

If not. There's always the emergency batphone call to my dad.  SOS:  a Decorating Emergency.  He will surely respond.  OOOOoohh
I've got it.
My dad is coming here to take me to the doc's on Thursday.
If I can undecorate before then then he can carry in the stuff on Thursday while he's here.

Why pray tell, am I sharing with you my preChristmas cogitations? I don't really know.  Probably because I started this blog post without a clear idea of where I was going with it. ...and well.....you got carried along with me on the sea of my thoughts.  Sorry folks.

I'll try to write a real blog post soon.  AS SOON as I have any REAL thoughts. I will write them down for you.
Promise.

One for you; Two for Me.

Tomorrow my friend is going to take me shopping.  I'm very excited about it; more about getting out of the house than for any other reason.  I am taking my wheelchair which means I should be more able to enjoy being out....not distracted by pain quite so much.  Of course my neck can put up a fuss and probably will but I will bring my neck brace and a bottle of PRNs to deal with that.

Do you have this problem?  You are in the process of shopping for Christmas presents and it's all like "One for her, one for him, two for me...."  I HATE when I do that.  And I just got done doing it today.  I mean, isn't Black Friday supposed to be for the benefit of those you love???  HOW DID I GET INTO THE PICTURE???  So okay, my birthday is in two weeks, so I talked my husband into letting me order my own gift (he was just gonna give me money anyway).....And so now I know what I'm getting.  OK, I already knew what I was getting.

I seriously hope I am not disappointed by my gifts.  And since I chose them I have no one to blame but myself.  The thing that I find the most disappointing is that I did it again.  I fell for the "stuff monster" (as opposed to stuffed monster).  The stuff monster convinces me that I really need this stuff in order to go on.  In order to survive and thrive. The question is when am I gonna get serious and take some of the presents (stuff) from past years, box them up and donate them?  Because you can't just endlessly add to the pile of STUFF around you.  Soon you won't be able to see over it.  Soon you won't be SEEN behind it.  I will just disappear and all that will remain is the stuff I just couldn't live without.

I think of my Philippine friends.  They do not have this problem, I don't think.  Are they happier than I?  I know if I were to give them the gifts intended for me this Christmas they would be happier about them than I am.  Or maybe not.  Maybe because they are not choked by stuff, Stuff doesn't have its green slimy hands around their neck.  Maybe they are free enough to know that it really doesn't matter.  I'm really not sure how it works.  Because I know that for those who do not find their contentment in Christ, even not having stuff can become a trap.  A trap of unmet greed and desire.

So maybe that is the solution - both for them and for me.  To be contented in Christ.  One time many years ago, I really really wanted to be satisfied in Christ alone.  I did not want to be owned by my stuff.  So  I brought my friend into my house.  I showed her all of my treasures.  And  I told her I wanted her to take whatever it was she wanted from my stuff.  It sounds easy to do...but actually, I had to face every one of my possessions and mentally disengage from it.  I had to know that I may not own it tomorrow.  I had to say "goodbye"to every item I owned.

That was a freeing exercise....and in the end I WAS free!!  I knew that as long as I had Jesus, I would be okay....better than OKay.  I knew too that no one and nothing could take me from the hands of Jesus.  I am HIS possession and there ain't no one nowhere who is big enough to take from God what is his.  In fact the only thing that can get in the way of the love fest going on between me and Jesus, was my own self.  My own STUFF.

Folks.  this is an ongoing battle. And we must stay on top of it....otherwise we will be buried underneath it.  I need to see a new way that I can beat this dragon.  Maybe from the new "stuff" I get this year, I need to pick from it and give it away.  Give it to someone who doesn't have it or who cannot ever hope of getting it.   We cannot relax.  WE cannot breathe easy.  This is a war.

Jesus called "stuff" a word that we don't use any more.  He called it "Mammon" and really it meant the "stuff"of the world.  And he said something frightening.  He said we cannot serve both it and Him.  One or the other must go.  There is NO SUCH THING as "having it all"....nope. Jesus must be our all and if he isn't...then we've inherited a big mess of trouble.  My words are not just for you today.  They are mostly for me....and if they are pricking you too then so much the better.  But I know that I need to proactively come up with a way of disengaging.  And let me tell you a secret.  The more you value your Jesus, the easier it is to let go of the stuff....because we can see right through it's cardboard face to the hell on the other side.  And you will see how wonderfully beautiful and valuable your Jesus is.  And you will discover that the less Mammon you have, the more of Jesus you have and there will absolutely be no lack.  you will have indeed discovered the secret of being content in all circumstances, as Paul discovered too.

He is God; He is Good

I just received in my email the grace of Ann Voskamps "When Thanksgiving is Hard" blog post.  Please visit her blog at aholyexperience.com and read for yourself this blog that so blessed me.
Today, my tinkertoy plans for a lovely Thanksgiving were squashed by the news of my daughter's man having to go to work...taking the car so that neither could she come.  I was already refusing to admit sadness; resolutely turning my mind from Thanksgivings Past.  Times of sadness and confusion.  Times of institutionalization.  Times of being alone.  Times of despair.

And my resolution went to hell along with our plans.

I'd begun a short story.  A story that carries all the warmth and joy that my Thanksgiving longs for and contrasts it to Thanksgivings of cold desolation.  The story of my life.  Except.  Oh yeah.  Well my life has been lacking some of the warmth and joy.  I try not to be bitter.  I try not to be jealous of my friend Kate who creates a holiday whereever she goes.  Who has family and a wood burning stove. 

Why is life so hard?  So disappointing?
Why do we set ourselves up for tears with expectations?
Expectation comes hand in glove with disappointment.

You know what?
In Heaven.  In the New Jerusalem,we will celebrate Thanksgiving and there will be no one left alone, no one not included.  We will be one huge celebrating welcome homing family.  And the same God we will celebrate then is the same God we have now who wipes away our tears and promises better things to come.

God is good.
He is good now in our moments of lonely disappointment....and he will be good in the times of joy and celebration in our future.

He is good in the bad.
He is good in the ugly.
He is good because he is God.
And that never changes with our failed plans.
It doesn't change in our moments of pain.
It doesn't change in the loss.  In the times when the earth swallows those we love.
He is good and He is God.
And someday he will explain this to us.  Why this death was a necessary prelude to our real life.

What lies Hidden behind our Thanks?

Gratitude is a big theme this time of year.
Honestly, I have not been feeling too thankful in the past couple of days.  I've been feeling rather desperate.  Not quite suicidal but not far enough from it.
I'm not sure why that is.  Oddly, last Saturday night I went to our worship and prayer service and I was in agonizing pain.  I requested prayer.  In the midst of praying for me, the pastor began to firmly rebuke the spirit of Suicide which he felt was messing with me.  Oddly, up until that night, I had not once entertained a suicidal thought...but after that night random thoughts have been coming after me.  Despair.  Hopelessness.  Wishing for it all to just end and go away.

I am right now trying to refocus and regroup.  My marriage is not in a good spot at the moment....so it is best not to think on that too much.  But I can be thankful for my warm home.  For electricity,  for food.  Those are all the expected gratitudes.   What are some more unuusual ones....ones that I may have to dig deeper to come up with?

I'm thankful for this blog.  I'm thankful for every 30,166th person who has come here to visit in the past four or five years.  I'm thankful for the fact that this blog gives some - maybe small - but a very welcome reason for me to stick around.  If this blog encourages just one person a day....then that alone is a reason for me to be alive.

I'm thankful that one of my past articles on gratitude has been chosen to be published in a magazine...where hopefully even more people will read it.

I'm thankful for the editor/writer who spent the time necessary to read my book manuscript and to comment on it.  I'm thankful for the gift of words that God has given me.
I'm thankful for the technology that allows me to continue to create....voice recognition technology, art tablet technology, and the computer itself....for the internet that allows me to connect to people when otherwise I should have been very very lonely.

I'm grateful for the internet chat buddy of mine who right now lies in the hospital in a fight for her life.  Would you please pray with me for this friend?  I feel like I simply cannot lose her right now.  It would be more than I could take....and yes, it is so much NOT about me.  She is not old.  Her family relies on her....and she has much more living to do.

I'm grateful for the way the sun hits the barren trees so crisply against the cerulean blue sky outside my window.  I'm grateful that my daughter and her man will be with us on Thanksgiving.  Grateful for a restaurant so I don't have to cook.

I"m most of all, grateful for a God who is in charge of every challenge we face, who is behind every provision we receive, who is adequate for every problem and need that arises, who is worthy of every word and note of praise we can offer him.  I am grateful that he IS and that he is MINE.

Yes I'm struggling a bit this holiday....but I have a God who is so much greater than those struggles, so much larger than my worries.

This Thanksgiving let us offer him our thanks but let us hand over also every concern, every fear.  He is willing not only to reign on high and receive our praises but he is loving enough to take our JUNK from us too so that we can truly rejoice and experience our gratitude.
Thank you Lord.

In Community

Yesterday my Home Bible Study group kicked off our fall session with a fellowship dinner at the house of my friend Kate.  As the group of us gathered, each bringing our contribution to the meal, conversation swelled warmly around me.  I did not talk much because I was dealing with some really serious pain...my neck was protesting loudly at having to bear the weight of my head....however I was a part of that organism, that eucheristo, that body, as they broke their bread.

When I make it to church I am greeted warmly with hugs and kisses.  People inquire about my health; my life.   I see their children growing up and becoming adults.  I hear of their illnesses and struggles; unemployment, losing homes.  We worship together in real joy.  We laugh and we cry together.  I cannot imagine not being a part of a body of this type.  I was a part of one as a child; they helped to raise me....they sent me off to college with love and prayers.

And somewhere that link fractured.  Somehow I was plunged into outer darkness and was no longer a part of community.  I attended college; lived in dorm; worked among people, had some friends....but I was not a member of the body of Christ--by my own determination.  I removed myself from that corral....and went to dwell amongst the bears and the rattlesnakes in the howling wilderness of society.

But that Body prayed for me and waited for me.  And I returned; as I must -- because I am His.
And now they give my life meaning.  I live in the security of knowing that I will always have a place at a table;  always have a pillow for my head.....I will always be greeted with a kiss.
I have responsibility to them...to be honest; to love them in return; to pursue my relationship with Jesus....They do not ask from me more than  I can give.  This saddens me, that I cannot work in the nursery, help maintain the grounds....but they understand my limits and they do not ask me to exceed them.

I look at the world and it is a lonely wasteland of a wilderness.  I cannot imagine living in it away from the hearth of hope and faith.  And I know that were I to travel anywhere in the world, I would still be a part of this body.  I would find friends and find welcome where ever I should go....where ever they call the name of Jesus, Lord, there I will find welcoming hands and warm hearts.

This is how God made us to be.  He made us for community...and he made community for us. How sad to not know what that is like.  How sad to live alone in the world.  Where ever we go we should be extending our hands to draw others into this connectivity; into this embrace...into the arms of Christ.

The Fear Antidote

I've decided to discontinue my pursuit of WEGO's 30 blogs in 30 days.  While it has been interesting having writing "assignments" I find myself struggling more and more to be able to write within specific confines.  Also the topics (for the next few days anyway) are particularly uninspiring to me.  And thirdly, because I've been writing their topics--the things that I need to explore or say for myself, have been neglected.  Writing for me alleviates some internal pressure and when I can't do that for say two weeks or so; I start losing my mind a bit -- or at least I start feeling that pressure.  As you saw several weeks ago, when I said I was taking a break from my blog--that break only lasted about a week, before I was back spewing words again.

So having said all that, what am I going to write about tonight?  Well I have been struggling of late with anxiety.  I'll get thinking about some project or some impending difficulty and the surge of anxiety is intolerable.  It usually happens at night; even sometimes waking me up from a sound sleep--I will think about the dead trees outside, ready to fall on our house.  I will think about the mess in my daughter's room and how it must be gutted and redone before we can even consider selling the house--and about my complete inability to do this.  I will think about my continuing and worsening disability and worry about what is coming next.

I had this same exact problem some --well, 15 years ago to an even worse degree than I have it now.  Then it would be a nightly routine: lay in bed, panic to the point of not being able to breathe, and ultimately I would be propelled from my bed to go and spread my fears to my husband as I looked for reassurance.  Back then I read everything I could get my hands on, on fear, worry, and anxiety as it relates to the Christian experience.  But nothing helped.  Then finally, one day, I hit on a key.  I decided to make a list of past problems--some small; some huge and overwhelming--and the manners in which God had resolved them.  You know what I found?  I found that every single problem had been resolved; not one of them was still hanging around to bother me.....and I found that God was the source of my help; that he moved and responded in sometimes downright miraculous ways.  HUGE ways.  IMMENSE ways.

And it seemed (rightly) to me, that --if he had met my needs back then, then surely he would meet my needs now and my needs that would erupt into my future....And worry took a back seat and never again raised its ugly head....even when I was faced with fearsome health problems or financial ones I was in a rock solid position of trust.  MY GOD WOULD SUPPLY ALL MY NEEDS ACCORDING TO HIS RICHES IN GLORY BY CHRIST JESUS. ( Philippians 4:19)  I trusted that.  I was firmly convinced of that. And fear had no place in me.

So the other night, I began a new list....and I came up with something like 20 major problems that God had moved in astounding ways to resolve or provide for.  And once again, my heart began to calm.  I'm not completely over my worry....I still have panicked thoughts....and I have to go back to my list and read it over and over. But I know that as my God continues to reassure my fearful heart; and as he continues to meet our needs---my heart will calm down and will once more move to a stance of rock solid trust.

Why did this worry return?
I'm not sure.  Maybe Satan thought he would try an old tactic to see if my defense still held.  Or maybe my heart has slipped to a position of unfamiliarity with  my God.  Perhaps his faithfulness has become questionable in my mind because I have not been focusing on it and thanking him for it.  Perhaps I've been collecting his provision in my pockets, like a child picking up nuts from under a tree, but haven't stopped to examine, crack open and bite into those nuts....and thus have forgotten how good they are.

All I know is that I am thankful that I know my Lord.  I am thankful that I know the solution to my fear.  I am thankful that God does not change.  The needs may change---but his incredible supply of strength, wealth and loving concern to deal with them does NOT change.  I just need to dive deep from this cliff, deep into his depths of love and mercy and into the riches of his glory that I have in Christ Jesus.

exCUSE ME??

For this my 12th post out of the WEGO 30 posts in 30 day challenge I am called to unmask some piece of "BS" in my life....something - some child of bureaucracy that is ridiculous and which makes my life even more diffcult.  I would have to say that it is the hassle surrounding the obtaining of legitimately needed pain medication.  I have a pain management doctor...he is board certified and has hospital privileges so is considered by the hospital administration to be a competent physician.  He knows my medical situation intimately.  He knows based on his experience that someone with test  results like mine, has got to be in some serious pain.  He has tried all the lower doses and less extreme drugs and they have all failed to manage my pain.  And so he has come  up with a program of medication that is custom suited to my needs, tolerances and circumstances.  All of this has taken many months.

So how is it that when I come into a hospital....the same one that employs him, ....that doctors immediately decrease my pain meds.  Doctors who know nothing of my pain or my history...yet feel themselves to be awarded the position by God of deliverer from addiction.  Their position is that no one should be taking pain meds and if they are and must then they must take the smallest dose possible...not the smallest dose tolerable but the smallest dose possible.  And so my hospitalization--which is likely already uncomfortable inherently--is made to be torturous.

And this is only capped by a pharmacist who too feels endued by God with the charge to eradicate drug addiction single-handedly.  These guys have the nerve to pooh-pooh a valid doctor's prescription and to refuse to fill the medication.  Excuse me?? Did you go to medical school? Do you have any knowledge of my medical needs or history?  What gives you the right to circumvent my doctor's prescription (who btw, HAS gone to medical school and DOES know my history).

Yes, there are abusers.  There are junkies.  But why must I constantly have to defend my need for pain management?  When I go to an ER do they say to me, "You are taking synthroid.  who gave  you this?  who said you have hypothyroidism?? Why are they giving you this dose?" NO.  You never see that.  Doctors do not have to defend themselves in giving any med except pain meds.  Why?? When they are a valid drug meeting a valid medical need?

This is incredible BS.  It should  be "unaddicted unless proven otherwise"...I should not immediately be suspect.  A diabetic is dependent on insulin.  They will get very sick without it.  In the same way, I need my pain meds and I'm tired of having to defend my right to treatment.

Day 11, Faulty Hips and Favorite Things

Now,  I know.  Today is November 12th so shouldn't this be the twelfth post?  Yes.  Yes, it should..  However I spent all of yesterday from 6:00 AM until 4:30 PM either in an ambulance or in the emergency room.  For those of you who do not know me: I have psoriatic arthritis and several years ago had bilateral hip replacements.  And for some unknown reason, the left hip has refused to stay in the socket.  It popped out three times in the first year and so the doctor did a revision.....surgically repeated the hip replacement.  And it worked: for six months.  And in the past six months, the sucker has popped out three more times---yesterday being the most recent.  Now I do not know if there is a pain scale rating for such things, but I would bet that a dislocated hip has got to be one of the  most painful of human experiences that exist.  In fact, short of being mowed over by a Mack truck, I doubt anything can hurt worse.  It makes childbirth look like a walk in the park.

So yesterday, sweating, shaking and crying (and let me tell you, I almost NEVER cry in pain) I lay on the stretcher for hours and hours.  I had excruciating Xrays and then finally the  moment came when they injected me with Propafanol and I was unconscious.  Unconscious while two doctors took turns twisting my leg into every imaginable contortion, trying to get it back into the socket.  My husband (who was there for the procedure) told me they even stood on the table with me in their efforts.  They did this for 45 minutes before admitting defeat.  I opened my eyes and ---if I thought I hurt before this, NOW I had a whole new definition for "hurt"...

Blessedly, the orthopedic surgeon didn't take too long to arrive.  He shot me up with more propafanol and in the hands of the pro, the hip popped in in a MERE 15 minutes.  When I woke up I knew the hip was in, from the diminished amount of pain, however as the hours passed, the consequences of being in a wrestling match with three doctors set in and by last night, I was miserable again. I was wearing a knee immobilizer--one of those bright blue, velcro strapped monstrosities that keeps your leg absolutely straight...and on crutches.  I tolerated the immobilizer until bedtime, then I couldn't stand it anymore and off it came (I have arthritis in my knees and they cannot go without bending for hours on end).

I had a miserable night...moving from recliner to bed every fifteen  minutes until finally, at 2:00, I got smart and took enough drugs to sedate an army and the pain finally subsided enough to get two hours of sleep.

So yesterday's topic was supposed to discuss something that I love which improves my quality of life.  Other than my prodigious tea collection, I would have to say my hospital bed....It changes positions, which is critical to someone with arthritis and it also has a mattress pad on it which is 3" of foam padding and 3" of memory foam:  6" of heaven.  Of course, I've had it now for close to two years and it has a decided hollow where I lay constantly and the padding is greatly diminished.  For the amount of improvement it brings to my life it ought to be a no-brainer to purchase another one, however if  you don't have $160, you don't have it.  But one day, I will save my pennies and purchase a new one.

As to my hip?  I will see my orthopedic surgeon this week and according to everyone at the hospital yesterday will likely have to have more surgery.  The last time this happened my surgeon admitted to being at a loss as to how to remedy it, shy of wiring the hip together, in effect, immobilizing it. He said this will greatly reduce the life of the prosthesis and as to whether or not I will be able to walk, I do not know.  Please pray for me (if you are on speaking terms with God) that he would grant the doctor wisdom.  I will try to write day 12's entry later on today to get myself caught up.

Facebook and your Health

WEGO Health blogger- day 10.
Why or why not should people post about their health or the health of loved ones on FB?

Facebook is an expression of who we are.  If an illness splashes itself on the sides of our craft or threatens to capsize us completely...then to me it just makes sense that it would be reported on FB.  However, some people are militant in their fight to keep their lives OFF of FB and other social media.  I guess it really is a matter of preference...For myself, I may make mention of times when I'm in especial pain..  Otherwise  I do not often use FB as a health reporting site.  FB can be a means of passing along a prayer....or a smile....or a hug to someone in need of one.  It can be a means of soliciting many prayers rapidly in times of crisis.  Should FB be a log of our daily aches and pains??  I don't think so...that gets old very quickly.

And the problem with pages specific to health; to groups such as "Sick and Tired" and "RA Warrior" the problem here is that there is an illusion of privacy and intimacy but the truth is that our entries on these page get posted on the feed just like anything else on FB ....for that reason you have to really think carefully before sharing anything.  So with FB like anything else these days one must be smart and careful how they use it.

a Care Package from one who Cares

I am the leader of a support group--a subgroup of Sparkpeople .com--and the group is called, "Living with RAD (rhuematoid arthritic disease)" ....I so much wish I could create a little care package for each member for a day when they may need some extra comfort.  There are over 1400 members to that group so coming up with 1400 care packages is really NOT going to happen...But if I did, what would I put in it?

I would put a card with the links to exercise programs and stretching programs designed especially for those of us with RAD printed on them to correspond to the internet address of those resources.  I would include a soap....lavender-- and lavender scented Epsom salts in a pretty pouches to be poured into a bath....I would include tea with passion flower, chamomile, lavender flowers, kava kava and valerian root in it.  This would be a powerful pain killing relaxant tea.  And I would give them a special mug....one that fits well into the hand of someone who has twisted, swollen, weak hands.  It would be a light weight mug with an enormous loop for the fingers.

I would also enclose a little pillow with aromatherapy things in it....either pine needles, lavender flowers, or some other such thing for them to inhale and relax with .  I would include lotion gloves for hand and feet and a small container of lydocaine ointment to rub into their appendages and then put the gloves on.  I would also include warming gloves which hold rice or some such substance to heat and put on over the lotion and lotion gloves to heat the ointment into the skin.  I would put a shoulder wrap which heats up in the microwave as well as a clay filled one that has a strap for a knee.

I would include thera-putty in different strengths for them to squeeze in their hands as they read or watch TV.
And lastly, I would enclose a Bible because when all comforts fail, there is one who Never Fails....and it is on him they should place their hope.

My friends, I so much wish I could do all of this for you.  Know that my heart holds these gifts for you with wishes for strength and courage and much endless Hope.

A Letter to my Recalcitrant Heatlh

I know it sounds odd but I need to write a letter to my health....so bear with me.
Dear Health,
Ever since 2000 you have had the upper hand....reaching out to grab every germ that goes by to give me infection after infection.  Asthma complicated every one of those infections.  Pneumonias, encephala spinal meningitis  and endocarditis threatened my life.

Then you figured out a way to put my own body to work against itself...inflaming joints and eating up my cartilage.  Pain, which previously was only in my lower back, now spread to every inch of my body.  And it is a double whammy because the meds they use to keep you in check also caused more infections....and the doctors tell me that this may well be the end of me....

It seems to me that you've misbehaved long enough...You consumed a decade and a half of my life with physical ailments and three decades with mental illness.  You've thumbed your nose at suited doctors, surgeons, psychiatrists, and medication.  You've disregarded prayer---all prayers except for the prayers to keep me alive.  Those were my mother's and father's prayers--and those you respected....but sometimes I think  you only listened to those because once I'm dead,  your game will be over.

Why can't we work together?  Why can't  I work to regain my strength and have  you respect that effort?  Why must you be the wild eyed varmint hell bent on destruction and suffering?  Is there nothing you respect? What will you gain by putting me into a nursing home?  If I knew how to subdue you; I would.  If I knew how to coerce you; I would.  All I can do is to plead with you ....you want attention?  Then let me get healthy.  Everyone KNOWS I'm sick ....Everyone is USED to me being sick....it doesn't grab anyone's attention or pity or concern..  But if you work with me to get well, THAT will get attention....  Is attention what you want?  You've been accused of that I'm sure by someone's secret gossip or unspoken thought.

I don't know what you want.  Me, I don't want any attention other than that of people who are astounded at how I've turned my health around.  But I don't know if you will allow it.  I only can request that you would concede and work with me to recover.  Recovery wouldn't mean that you would disappear...it would mean that you would get stronger and more beautiful.  It would make you the heroine of the story instead of the villain.  Surely that must appeal to you.

I know that I can only do what I can only do.  Exercise.  Eat well.   Stay away from infected people.  Get lots of rest.  Beyond that, my health is in God's hands.  I know that I've written here as though it were in the devil's hands but that is not the truth.  Truth is that God is in control of everything that concerns me....and that everything that God does is good, perfect and beautiful.....even my poor health....because it is there to accomplish HIS plans and not my own.  I can ask God for good health.  I can work toward it....but if it doesn't come, it is NOT Satan's doing...as some church members I know would assert.  God is in charge of everything that concerns me.  He can use poor health for his glory just as he can use health and being healed.  So I guess what I would ask of you, health, is that you conform to the will of the Father and that you would grant me grace to accept the direction that that brings.  Help me, in whatever state I find myself, to give thanks and to bring honor to the Father and then I will have a healthy spirit regardless of the state of my body...and that is so much more important.

In this Minute......

Today's topic....staying in the NOW.  Keeping my head centered squarely in the minute that I'm currently occupying is a challenge.  The past holds demons; the future holds unpleasantries and fears and I have to be so careful not to dip into either of those banks to borrow trouble for myself.  Jesus said in Matthew "DO not worry about tomorrow for each  day holds enough trouble of its own".  How true that is....any one with an inflammatory disease will know that to be true completely.  Sometimes I need to resort to physical means to keep myself rooted in the present.  Things like "worry stones" or a polished stone I can hold and turn over and over in my hand keep me grounded.

In  moments of extreme distress or anxiety I may even resort to coloring in a child's coloring book to occupy my mind in the present moment.

But, you may ask, when comes the moment when the future is now. ,,,when those tough questions must be addressed and in fact planned for...How does one know when that moment has come?  I believe it is wise to visit an elder lawyer to get advice and then to go about carrying it out....To have a plan for the future so that you need  not obsess about it.

And when does one know when the time has come to make other arrangements?  When a worry stone or a coloring book no longer cut it.  When the troubles come fast and furious...you'll know it is time to take on the future and make it your present.
But for now....eat up those smiles on your kids faces....HUG them and smell their hair....take pictures and treasure them.  Slow kiss your husband or wife and delight in their love for you.  And if that is not possible, then delight in the Father's love for you for he delights over you with singing according to the prophet.  KNOW that you are loved.  And love the moments when you most know it.

...and I'll get to Scotland afore ye

When I read today's topic for the WEGO Health Activists Blogger Challenge and I saw it said "TAking the high road" the song I quoted in the title was the only thought I had.  I wasn't even sure what it meant to "take the high road" until a friend explained to me that it was to  take the way most traveled and the most easily accessible path.

The only instance in regard to my health that I could come up with where I've taken the high road is in the case of pain medication.  For years I fought it.  I did succumb at one point and got a medication distribution pump surgically implanted in my abdomen....and that was in response to my absolute tiredness of fighting with pharmacies to get them to fill the doctor's prescriptions.  Getting the scripts was no problem....every doctor I saw who knew anything about my medical history, knew that I needed the pain meds....and if they knew me they knew that I require high high doses of the most heavy hitting drugs because my body simply doesn't respond to anything else.  That could possibly be the result of being on high doses of psychiatric meds for the past thirty years....or it could just be my obstinate body....but at any rate, to find a pharmacist willing to fill the doctors' scripts was almost impossible....so I opted for the implanted pump.

That only worked for a year or two until my body became acclimated to the morphine and the dilaudid from the pump as well.  I was unwilling to take the higher and higher doses the doctors prescribed and so began for a number of years to just go without.  I wasn't dependent on the meds.  But my next five years or so were chapters from the annals of hell.  I toughed it out...determined not to be "beholden" to any drug, doctor or pharmacist.....until finally...I hit the wall.

With the encouragement/prompting of a good friend who is also a retired nurse, I began to take the pain meds more frequently....although still not regularly....until I was hospitalized and was put on a standing dose of pain meds.  I discovered when I got home, that I am now physically dependent on the meds.  NOTE....that is NOT an addiction.  it is a medical dependency...JUST AS a diabetic is dependent on their meds.  Do I like it? NO.  But I've come to realize that my life is not worth living without them.  I had zero quality of life ....I still have pain.  I still am very uncomfortable....but I am not any longer in agony.

Sometimes....when the low road is flooded and impassable, there is nothing but to take the high road.

Gratitude

Today, in a continuing effort to meet WEGO Health's Blog Challenge, I will address the topic of listing three things that I'm grateful for, or excite me, or inspire me.

At the moment today, I'm grateful that I didn't gain weight despite some very poor food choices in the past two days.  And I'm inspired by the people on SparkPeople .com, especially those in the RAD Team that I lead.  These people face disability and severe pain daily and yet they continue to get up in the morning, and exercise and monitor what they eat.  They are either overweight and striving to attain a healthy weight, or they are previously overweight and now are maintaining.  These ladies do things like kickboxing which I couldn't imagine doing in my worst nightmare.  Me, I just peddle my recumbent bike with as must gusto as I can muster and I'm lucky if I do that much.  I'm excited by the thought of one day attaining the weight I really should be.

But I did this wrong.  I was supposed to tell you three things in one category...not one thing in three categories.  OK, I will go back to the gratitude topic.

I'm exceedingly grateful for my friend, Betty, who does house and office cleaning who has decided to bless me by cleaning my house for a very moderate price.  She does this because she knows I cannot do it for myself ....Just think, you drop something on the floor, and more often than not, it will have to remain there.  Things get messy real fast.

I'm also grateful for my friends who drive me places.  God bless them ...even in days of expensive gas and these post hurricane days of hard to get gas.....they are still willing to take me to the pharmacy and to my doctor appointments and to church...God has given me this small troupe of people who bless me over and over.  I do not take them for granted.  I would love to honor them....Maybe by putting their names here that would honor them to a small degree.  Ok, here they are:

Becky- my best friend and most wonderful driver who frequently drives me to NY to MD appts.
My  Dad-who drives an hour to my house , then drives me and then drives an hour back to his house.
Ralph-who has a car held together by wishes and bandaids yet who is always willing if it is in his
power to take me to grocery stores or to church or to get a haircut.
Jeanette and her husband Bob who, when they can, drive me to church or to a doctor appointment.
Kathy- who drives from NJ occasionally to take me to the doctor, who will be moving to WA state and who will be sorely missed.
And Nestor-the brave man who tackles NYC traffic and takes me about once a month to my rhuematologist in the City.

If I've forgotten anyone, I apologize, but these are the core of my faithful drivers and they bless me time and time again.  I appreciate you and thank God for you.

It's in the BAG

I've decided, late in the game, to take the WEGO Healthpartners challenge and blog every day on a topic that they assign....I get to pick one of two topics.  Today, the topic I choose to write on is, "What is in my bag or backpack every day."  Hmm.  I guess you can tell a lot about a person from what they carry in their bag.

In my bag--which btw is a huge handwoven duffle in which everything sinks to the bottom--first off is my Samsung cell phone.  It's  a trakfone with prepaid minutes, but it does access the internet....and has a camera and all the bells and whistles of most phones these days.  The cell phone is on me at all times, even in my house in case I fall or in case my hip pops out of the socket again and I need to call Emergency Services.

I have my pink leather handmade wallet, made by Native Americans which holds whatever cash I have at the moment, my health insurance cards, my ID cards for my two false hips (which are useful when I set off metal detectors), my store discount cards, my VISA/ATM card and my licence which I keep up even though I no longer drive...because, well, you never know.

I have my aerosol inhalers for asthma which hold albuterol and atrovent in them which will try to head off an attack of respiratory distress if I'm not at home within reach of my nebulizer.

I have my keys which are on a strap for easy grabbing...My house key and my mail key. Sighhh..no more car keys.

I have a bottle of pain medications, (actually two bottles) which I carry so that I will not be arrested for possession of narcotics...they will SEE that it is MY prescription and will hopefully leave me alone on that regard.

I have my handicap placard which has its home in my purse because I'm more often in the cars of friends than I am in our car, driven by my husband....so my placard goes with me.

I have a very pretty notepad that I bought somewhere intrigued by its design

I have a SUPERSIZED pen which my friend got for me at a car repair shop...When she saw the gigantic size she knew I just had to have one as I'm forever  frustrated by scrawny anorexic pens like Bics which oddly enough even my rheumatologist office uses...go figure.  My hands do NOT wrap themselves around a skinny pen...so my monster pen makes me very happy.

I also often have a built up fork, knife and spoon set in my purse, because for example, when I 'm eating in a mall foodcourt or at a church pot luck supper....well, plastic cutlery and I do NOT get a long....for the same reasons that skinny pens and I do not jive.  These lumpy crippled hands just do not do business with a small bendy short utensil....so I must bring my own.

I also carry a new testament Bible put out by The Gideons....It was given to me by my roommates' mom two psych hospitalizations ago when I'd been brought to the hospital without my Bible. This little blue covered book means a great deal to me and I try to make sure to have it always at hand.

other than things like lip balms, hand lotion, hair brushes/combs and the like, that's about it for the contents of my bag....OH and it also holds my two pair of glasses that I use more out of the house than I do IN the house.

So , what's in YOUR bag???

A Superstorm, a Super Grace, and a Super Plan

I have a message for you today....but first will "catch up" with you  following the superstorm, Sandy.  Here are two pics taken on each side of my house. (I apologize for the quality of the pics - they were taken with my cell phone.  My house is located to the immediate right of the bottom picture..the branches of that tree brushed our bedroom window as it fell.  The other tree, the one in our backyard, took down a fence and it too brushed against our house.  So you can see...God was at work.  Our house was in exactly the right spot -- if it was to move to either side by only one foot, it would have been smashed by a tree.

We had no power for three days and we had a borrowed generator that only would hold enough gas to run for an hour and a half  Because of the rate of water rising in our sump pump, we had to run the generator every two hours to keep up with the rising water...  That meant in the cold and rain, day and night, we had to go outside and gas up the generator and get it started again.  It was a pain in the neck -literally (just ask my husband)--but it was so much better than suffering another flooded basement.  I am forever grateful to the friend who loaned us that generator.

So, what is my message for you today?  Every day I get a verse from a radio station that sends out "verses of the day"  to people's email.  Here is today's verse:

For  we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
   --Ephesians 2:10, NLT

I was just reading one of many individual stories of people with RA and looking at photos of a woman whose feet look like mine and this verse really struck me.  God created me----and he created me with this disease.  But he has created me anew to carry out his work with, because of, or in spite of this disease.  He has made me and formed me deliberately--with all my bumpy joints and aches and pains and my limitations in mobility because it is ONLY THUS that I am equipped and ready to carry out his work and his plan for my life....

This is a huge thought and one that requires more time and more wrapping of my mind around it....But think about it for yourself.  God created you--you specifically --with your gifts and challenges ...because he has work for you to do and it is only with the circumstances that he gave you that you would be able to meet the requirements of the task he has given you!  Satan hates that.  And he wants us to get complaining about how God made us.  He wants us to whine and tell God how useless we are because of the way he made us...when in fact it's the exact opposite of the truth.  God made you you because ONLY you can carry out the work that he has set for you to do.

So instead of waiting around for God to change us or heal us or remove our difficulties....maybe we should start looking around to find the work that ONLY we can do.  Because it is there  just waiting for usl