Thursday, May 31, 2012

Casandra? or Job?

Wasn't it Casandra in Greek Mythology who was just a disaster everywhere she went? Well, if she was, then I think my name had more rightly been Casandra than Cynthia.

Four weeks ago, I tore a hamstring by stumbling over something.

Three weeks ago, I dislocated my hip (4th time)
two weeks ago I spent a week in the hospital for endocarditis - a potentially life threatening infection of a heart valve.
And the day before yesterday, I dislocated my hip again, (time #5)

It would be funny---except that it's so NOT. When people see me and say, "So , how's it going? What have you been up to?" I want to duck my head and scoot in another direction to avoid answering that question.

Is it really a matter of having bad luck?
Well, I for one, do not believe in luck. ---good or bad. I believe in providence. I believe in God's loving arrangement of our lives for his own good pleasure and for our own benefit. SO some of you are saying , "You believe in a God who takes pleasure in torturing you??" NO. I believe in a God who stands right with me, so closely, while I am hurting. I believe in a God who is delighted when I recognize his presence and thank him in the midst of my pain. I believe in a God who is thrilled that I do not "curse him and die" like Job's wife encouraged him to do. I believe in a God who points me out to his angels and says, 'See her? There is a woman who loves me with her whole heart."

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Hip and a Cross

My daughter stood after bending to zip her overnighter...she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a long, hard hug.  "I'm gonna miss you, Mommy.  Are you sure you'll be ok until Thursday when Daddy gets back?" "I'll be fine...I'll just be very very careful." "Also, " I was adjured, "Make sure you have your cell phone with you 24/7."  "OKay," I promised, "I will."  That was at 11:00 yesterday.

At 2:00 pm yesterday, I realized I needed to call the home care nursing company who is caring for me and their phone book was in my purse on my bedroom floor.  I looked for my reacher---and it too was lying on the floor, not far from the purse.  "Big help that is" I muttered and bent for the pocketbook and OMG, there it was, the hip bone sliding around and slipping right out of the socket.  "God, HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING THREE HOURS AFTER THEY'VE LEFT??"   I felt for my pocket. Yes, thank God, my cell phone was there.  Perching on my one good leg I instructed myself, "do NOT drop this phone or you will be screwed."  I whimpered in pain as I dialed the emergency dispatch number for our town.  I knew I couldn't stand on one leg for another 15 minutes or so until help arrived, so I eased myself on to the bed and allowed the scream of pain that that caused.

I will spare you the details of help arriving, carrying me screaming and groaning out the door and onto the stretcher...The 45 minute drive to the town where my husband's employer hospital is and the excruciating task of being transferred to the gurney and then getting Xrayed. 


As I was awaiting them to come in and blessedly put me to sleep so that they could wrestle my leg back into the socket, a verse--I believe from Psalm 22 came to my mind about Christ on the cross. "All my bones are out of joint...."  I gasped. "REALLY, LORD???"  "You went through that for me?"  I tried to imagine, every one of my bones being in the state that my hip was.  I couldn't.  The pain of just the one hip is indescribably horrible....but that!  Then my screams of "O God, help me!!" became whispers of "Thank you Jesus."  And then the verse in Philippians came to mind about being partakers of Christ's suffering.  And I knew then that I was in a real way, sharing a part of Jesus's experience as he hung there...for me.

I can't say that that ended my pain...or stopped my cries to God for help for long....but it did warm my heart and for a bit, made that experience more tolerable...or at least survivable.  The bad news is that after wrestling for 30 minutes with my hip, the OR doc had to admit defeat.  I woke and found myself still in that pain.  My ortho surgeon was called and in the hands of the pro, the bones were obedient and resumed their place.  For now.  Undoubtedly , they will rebel once again....And I know that God will go with me there too.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Happiness is....



  • A daughter who's grown out of all the oat sowing phases causing me horror and fear who now smiles and laughs at the slightest provocation
  • A maybe future son-in-law whom I love like my own son/(brother)?
  • Celebrations of dual birthdays
  • Giving both kids gifts that make them exclaim in happiness
  • Neck-breaking hugs 
  • Making my grown up "baby" a grilled cheese sandwich, just like she's always liked it
  • Planning her favorite dinner for birthday night
  • Having my parents get to see my daughter all grown up and happy, finally.
Yes, Today is a Happy Day.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Down

I got home from the hospital the day before yesterday.  Yesterday the home nurse came by and my medicines and supplies were delivered for me to be able to give my self antibiotics via  a line in my arm that delivers the medications to my heart.

I feel beat.  Down.  I feel like the guy lying on the mat after 10 rounds of having the snot pounded out of him...



I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
    Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
    I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
    but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
    overwhelmed with longing for his help.
You don’t let me sleep.
    I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
    long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
    I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
    Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
    Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he slammed the door on his compassion? 
10 And I said, “This is my fate;
    the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
    I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
    I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
13 O God, your ways are holy.
    Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!

Psalm 77, NLT

Monday, May 21, 2012

My Gethsemane

The next day after my prior post, I finally said , "Enough is enough." and called my MD who said he wanted to see me, straight away.  So my ever faithful friend and I took off for the "Land O' Goshen" to see Dr D.

Dr. D listened it my story, then put his hand on my arm and said, "Don't worry Cynthia, we'll get you through this."  I was startled.  Alarms went off in my head.  What could possibly be so wrong as to warrant Dr D's "special statement" reserved for only my most life threatening illnesses??

Dr D then sent me upstairs to get an echo...then I understood. I had had these shivers and sweats once before in my life---when I had endocarditis.  The technician chatted as she did the echocardiagram and then the doctor told me to go and sit in an adjoining room, where I could hear everything.  The tech said, "There is something definitely suspicious ...I would say it's a positive test..."

The cardiologist came out and told me that he thought I had endocarditis.  Still I pooh-poohed the idea (I've been hanging around my husband too long).  The cardiologist admitted me into the hospital straight away. The next morning a TEE (trans-esophageal echocardiagram) confirmed the diagnosis...I have endocardititis of the pulmonic valve.

So I've been here in the hospital since last Wednesday...and today is Monday.  I should probably make it home by Wednesday of this week...I will be gettin g a PICC (Pronounced "pick")  line probably later today. This is an intravenous tube that runs from midarm to your heart through which a person can give themselves infusions of medication.  I will be needing 6 weeks of medication.  Two medicines, three times a day.

That's not the bad news though. 

The bad news is that I will not be likely able to take anymore medications for my arthritis....because it was likely due to the fact that my immune system is suppressed from the Enbrel I was taking that I've been having this plethora of infections.  Because my rheumy does not wish to play Don Quixote   by battling death, well, I will be fighting these windmills of disease and pain, all on my own....standing right behind my shield of faith and sharpening my skills with my sword--God's Word...so no, not so alone.  My Lord comes with me. And when I stumble, He will pick me up.

Frightened?
Yes.  As I imagine Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane; terrified.
But knowing that this is the road God has for me to walk....so I will trust him to give me the strength to do so. And my spirit cries, "Lord if there is any other way...."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Mid-Night Hurting

I woke up two hours ago (it's now 3:30 AM)...I woke up as a fire started in my chest and all my body heat exited through my pores...Heat.  Heat.  God, I'm gonna incinerate right here and now.  Spontaneous Combustion.  I got out of bed and sat on my recliner and held a fan right on my lap aimed at my face to blow some of that rising heat away from me. Finally.  I was comfortable...until...OMG, the other end of the  spectrum comes...As my temp climbs from 95 to 99, I'm wracked with chills.  Can't get warm enough...back to bed, kicking the cat off, accidentally as I scramble for the blankets...Good ...comfort again....For a whole two minutes then a volcano goes off somewhere in my inside and the hot lava oozed from my pores once again.  Sound miserable??

Add to that pain that wracks every single joint in my body...hands, wrists and ankles swollen like balloons with this disease  and oh , do they ever hurt.

Sleep is no longer an option.  Thank God for my iPod...it keeps me company by its accompaniment to my isolation.  Desperado by the Eagles is on, reminding me that I'm getting no younger and that my prison is walking through this world all alone.  Yep.  Got that right.  But Anthony Evans comes on to assure me that even though I feel alone,  even though my strength is gone, even if my faith is lost...Trust in Him now, and do not give up.

I am planning on working on a painting today...it's one I really want to finish before my left arm is totally unable to grip a stylus or is too painful to move around to draw...However I'm also supposed to cook dinner for the staff of our youth outreach at my church today.  Many of them come straight from work with no chance to grab dinner, so some of us volunteer and cook for them each Thursday.  This only matters in that I think I need to go to the grocery store for an ingredient in my planned meal....and while I"m there should supplant my empty shelves with some food.  And because of the store and the cooking---there may be no time for painting.  I really should get out of bed and begin the painting now...except that my body KNOWS it's only a quarter to four and is saying "Leave me the freak alone...I just wish I were asleep."

So maybe I'll listen to my body and try one more time to catch some rest before day dawns...If my body temp would only regulate then I could maybe sleep.  Here goes nothing.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Nope, Not Goin' There



I have a blenderswirl of thoughts right now...and the need to write to sort them all out...Want to join me for the journey?  Okay then, let's go.

As you may have surmised over the past several posts...I've been battling depression.  Depression once had me by the neck and then buried me so deeply in pain, despair and self pity, that I could barely take a breath.  Believe it or not, that horrible indescribable sadness throttled me for over decade, closer to a decade and a half.  I did not think that  I would survive it.....and I wouldn't have had God let me have my way.  He snatched me a number of times from the very throat of death as I was being swallowed...saved me right off of life support and restarted my breath when it had stopped.

After I recovered from that hell, I swore to myself that I would do anything necessary to avoid going there again.  These past couple of weeks several things happened.  One is what occurred when I screamed out my "Why?"s to God when my hip dislocated two weeks ago.  From there it was an easy slide.  The thought ambled so nonchalantly into my mind, "Other women your age are biking, playing tennis, gardening, going to they gym....all the things you would love to do." And the barb went deeper, "All the things you should be doing if things were fair."

Once the venom was in my bloodstream, paralysis was not far behind.  I lost interest in everything--even things I can do no  longer held appeal.  More and more time was spent lying in bed staring at the ceiling, wishing I was no longer in existence.  Less and less did I want to talk to people--although I did pretty well at bluffing when necessary--I wasn't too far gone for that ---yet. Tears bubbled easily to the surface and splashed down my face...tears for  - you guessed it -- "poor, poor, little old me."

Last night, my sleep also took a hit.  When I get depressed, I stop sleeping.  Not sleep less -- I STOP sleeping.  All night long I struggled, panicked with the suspicion that I am somehow no longer a child of God. I cannot read his Word.  I cannot focus in prayer....I cannot study, nor meditate....etc.  My Calvinist leanings took a huge and frightening Armenian bend and I experienced first hand what I wanted to say to a friend this week as he pooh-poohed Calvinism...."How can you sleep at night??"  Well in my Armenian lean...I answered that question.: I didn't.

During this whole week, something was niggling at my spirit.  But I didn't take it out and look at it, so it wasn't until a few minutes ago that God decided it was time to smack me in the head with it. I got today's edition of "A Holy Experience" --Ann Voskamp's blog...and it was on the topic of the purpose of pain. And at the end of her photo blog, was this quote (I assume by Ann),
The surrendered accept that pain is always but growing pains.  
And growth is always a gift —  even when trials are the tutor

Did  you catch it?   Not the "growing pains" part....the surrendered part.  I had surrendered--at some point years ago...but in the past couple of weeks...I'd begun to take back what I'd handed over and which is NO LONGER MINE to manage.  And that is My Future.  That belongs to God.  It is His to do with as He wills.  He has gifts to give me--and yes, trials may be the means by which those gifts come.  


I was just listening to an Anthony Evans song..."Trust Me Now"  And that is exactly what God is telling me.  I may have to suffer...loss of ability, loss of independence, pain, loneliness...but  I DO NOT HAVE TO SUFFER SELF PITY OR THE TRAP IT LEADS TO : DEPRESSION. Nope.  I 'm not going there.  Here and now, I declare to you , My Father, with these readers as my witnesses...I'm surrendering.  Again.  And I will KEEP on surrendering every time those evil toxic thoughts come back.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Better than Before; much better than Yesterday

I had a friend on the internet once...we were really  good friends...usually spent the majority of our time talking together (both of us being disabled) for the better part of four years.  And my friend was dying. We both knew it, but it was unspoken.  We had this little tradition of sorts between us. I would say, "Hi David, how are you feeling?"  He would say, "Better than before, and much better than yesterday." I never could understand how he could answer that way when he was miserable.  I finally challenged him and said "That's your optimism speaking isn't it?" and he said softly (ok, it was a chat...but I just know it was soft.) "yes." That was a couple of days before he died...he died while chatting with me on the computer.

Well that's sort of my answer to those of you who may wonder how I'm feeling after my last grim post.
Although if you take it literally, I am NOT much better than yesterday because yesterday was a rather nice day.  I got to spend lots of it with my daughter.  And what could be nicer than that?

But I think you get my point here.  I'm trudging along with the strength God gives me.  And although I'm far from happy or lighthearted today...I'm not suicidal either.
I don't really have much else to say besides that.  Sort of short on words today.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Yawning Pit, Crying Eyes.

The Pit yawns.
I'm sad. Achingly, mournfully, empty sad.  Nothing in my world is right or going well.  Nothing.
I'm so dead inside that I have no words...no words, but I do have tears.  So maybe I am not dead.  No. Dead things do not cry.  Dead things do not hurt. And I certainly hurt.  I hurt so badly last night that I did not sleep, merely cried out into the dark night, "LORD, please take me NOW."
So no, not dead.  But not willingly alive.
If you know Jesus, please ask him to help me in the way that only he knows how. OK?
Thanks.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Sara's Story Final

This post is not about me (for once! )  It's about a woman who became a part of me, as she did for the thousands who read her blog and who interacted with her on the web....If you do a search on my blog for "Sara" or for "Gitz" you will see some of the ways I was impacted by her life---and by her death.  As I live with a disease much like Sara's was, I am often challenged in my spirit by the knowledge of the Joy with which Sara lived regardless of her pain.  I wish I could say that I'm as successful at that as she was.  Maybe someday I will be: and maybe that will be the day Jesus says, "Okay, you finally get it....Now you can come Home."  He took Sara home and she waits there for me and for many of her friends.  This is a tribute (it takes 30 minutes, so set aside the time) to a wonderful woman --a woman whose personality far outshone the word "wonderful"--her life and the things she's left behind in the hearts of those who knew her.  I was not one of Sara's "inner circle"...yes , she emailed me and we chatted a couple of times...but none the less...she impacted me in profound ways...as she did to everyone she met.  I am posting this here on my blog because Sara had been and still is a part of what has formed this blog...because of the ways in which she's inspired me.  Sit down. Grab a tissue and watch a life being recalled by those she loved.

Monday, May 7, 2012

A Long Night



It's 1:50 AM.  I woke at 11:00 and talked for an hour via IM and then dozed til 1:00...constantly aware of pain...and now have given it (sleep) up as a lost cause.  My arms both hurt...but my left arm is....just north of unbearable.  I'm scheduled for a shoulder replacement of that arm on June 12th...I also need an elbow replacement, but the ortho surgeon says that the prostheses they have currently for that joint are really inferior and that it would be better to wait til technology comes up with a better option.  Sounds like solid advice ---but I'm not sure practically speaking, how it will pan out.  If we replace the shoulder only ...and then go to do my right shoulder, I will have two bum arms at one time, because of the severity of disability in my left elbow.  I do NOT know how I'm going to manage these surgeries.  I have no help here at home...and that's a recipe for disaster.  I'm praying that I will have a good chunk of time either  in rehab or else with a home health aide.  I can't imagine the pain that I know is coming. I'm quite scared by the thought.  Wish there was somewhere I could run to hide: someplace where I have two good arms.  Sounds like "Heaven" doesn't it?? 

Yesterday I was feeling really heavily aware that my life is quite useless as it is these days...when all I seem to do is to battle illness and pain and take ambulance rides to the hospital.    I decided to take a look at 1st John in the Bible.

1 John 1:1-4

New Living Translation (NLT)
We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is the Word of life. This one who is life itself was revealed to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and proclaim to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was revealed to us. We proclaim to you what we ourselves have actually seen and heard so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We are writing these things so that you may fully share our joy.

 And I was struck by a sentence in verse one of the first chapter.  It said that Christ is the "word of life"...and there was a note that "word " in that sentence in Greek is the word "Logos" which means "the essence of meaning behind a word"  or "expression" ...I began to mull that over.  What that is really saying is that Y'shua is the meaning of life!!  or that Jesus is the essence or expression of Life.  If you don't have him, your life is bereft or lacking in meaning.  Well, that made me think, because lately , I've really struggled with the idea that my life is truly meaningless at this point...and yet I've had some worries that I'm not really ready for Heaven.  Talk about being between a rock and a hard place!  And this verse shed some light on the why of that.  I'm lacking in the degree of Christ that I should have.  And with out him, my life really IS pointless!  And with out being filled with His Spirit, well, I don't really want to be crossing Heaven's threshold in that state either.

Then in the third and fourth verses of that chapter it talks about fellowship among Christians and how by the sharing of our fellowship; we also communicate joy to one another.  And the process by which this joy is shared is via the spoken and the written word.  Hey, is this inferring that by my being filled with Christ, my life has meaning for myself and by writing about him, I can communicate joy and meaning into the lives of others?  How cool is that?  I could write a book, but honestly, probably more people have read this blog than would ever read a book I wrote.  (did you notice we are at 20,000 visitors?  Pretty cool, huh?)...Maybe I've imparted a little bit of meaning to a few people along the way,  And if I have, then my life has had a bit of meaning.

And really what I need right now is to be refilled, like an empty gas tank (only for a whole lot cheaper!) with the fullness of my Lord. And that integrally gives my life meaning.  In other words, if I get too the point where I'm completely disabled...even unable to write this blog...then my life still  has meaning as I am a "container" filled with my Jesus.  And my smile, or even the expression in my eyes to those who visit or care for me, will  communicate Christ to them  

And the inverse of that verse is scary.  To not have Christ, makes a life really inherently devoid of purpose....That statement speaks for itself...I will not add to it.

My prayer is that each one of you would find that fullness of meaning with Christ as your Lord.  Be blessed today.  It's a whole new week.  Make it like the first and last week of your life.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Abide With Me, Hayley Westenra


Abide with Me, Lyrics by Henry Francis Lyte

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.


Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

PLEASE NOTICE

This blog is now available in many languages...Use the Google "translate" dropdown  menu on the top of the left sidebar and choose your language!  Welcome to you readers from all over the world.

Weighted Smiles

Awhile ago I published a "before" and "after" picture of myself.  The before picture was a woman with dead eyes and unwashed hair and MANY too MANY pounds on her.  The after picture was quite a contrast: 70 lbs less, styled hair and a smile.  Well, I still have the smile and the hair...but unfortunately I also have back that 70 pounds. (or most of it).  My weight had snuck up...to about 170...Not horrific, but still too much.  Then came three months on steroids and two of those weeks were inpatient with massive doses of IV steroids.  I had never been so hungry in all my life.  I was ravenous....I ate everything that didn't try to run away.... That's what steroids do to me...while there I gained 30 pounds...and once home, (still on steroids) I gained ten more.  Yes, Huge.  Above is a pic of me taken a couple of weeks ago.

The good news is that I'm back on the Spark "diet" (It's not really a diet but a healthy way of living).  I'm back to tracking food and watching calories.  I wish I could say that I'm back to exercising. Asthma originally put a lid on that, then the torn hamstring and the dislocated hip finished me off.  Once I get clearance from my Otho Surgeon, I will be back to my recumbent bike. I can't do much at all in the way of strength training because my shoulders are both imminently to be replaced. (the first one on June 12th)

I just thought of something that happened to me recently.  I was walking outside some stores in NY about an hour from my home...feeling extremely fat and self conscious.  I was wearing the Tshirt you see in the above pic.  I approached a young woman outside smoking a cigarette.  I assumed from her clothing that she was an employee of one of the stores having a smoke break.  I immediately pulled my head into my turtle shell and walked by hastily praying she wouldn't look at me.  She smiled at me and said very sincerely, "That is such a beautiful shirt you are wearing.  I really like it."  I almost fell on the ground.  The girl was probably in her late teens or early twenties and well, kids that age usually don't pay any attention to people like me, except maybe to laugh  at me.  That afternoon though, although I just smiled and said thank you and kept walking, I kept replaying the girl's smile and her compliment to me.  It made my day.

It brought to my mind myself, on my way to and from my Middle School in Hackensack NJ in my 7th and 8th grade years.  I used to have a game.  I would smile a bright smile at every person I passed sometimes throwing in a  "hi" and then I would keep a tally of how many of the pinched pickle pusses who passed me actually brightened and smiled back.  It made me happy then to know that I was surprising them into a smile and I hoped I made their day....

And now here I am...er 35 years later...and it's ME with pickle puss and that young girl brightened my day...While it is more surprising when a young person does this...there is no law that says we adults cannot do the same.  Say a kind word.  Throw in a bright smile.
You'll make someone's day.