Monday, April 30, 2012

Suffering: Another Look

This has been a tough week.
A week ago Sunday, I stumbled and tore my right hamstring.  I was in a knee immobilizer and on crutches for most of the week. 
Then, this past Friday night/Saturday morning at 3:00AM, I got out of bed to go and get a drink and bent to pick up my slipper as it was in a place where I couldn't reach it with my foot...and as I bent...there it was...that sickening pop and the sensation of my hip bone going in and out of the socket and finally remaining out.  I sank to my bed with my hip at an odd angle, my knee pointing in...I screamed for Eric and then screamed the following sentence with tears and gut wrenching sobs: "God WHY???? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?  WHY AGAIN, LORD, WHY???"

Even as I type those words now, tears are spilling down my cheeks.  I've never uttered those questions.  Through all the suffering and pain I've been through, I never once have wanted to shake God by the shoulders and demand an accounting for the way he is treating me.  But that night, I did.  That word never left my mind as the ambulance jostled me and I screamed in pain on the stretcher; through the swaying bumps in the road, also eliciting screams; while they cut off my clothes in the ER; while I laid for hours in unmitigated agony as they gave me tiny (for me) doses of pain meds that did little to relieve my pain; as the anesthesiologist and the orthopedic surgeon arrived because I was deemed to be high risk and thus they wanted the specialists there even  though that meant extra hours of suffering for me....I cried and the "WHY??" irritated my brain with its need for an answer and with the mockery of the silence that followed.

I came home  ...this time in a knee immobilizer on my left leg and a cane.  This is my fourth dislocation in that left hip. After the third one they repeated the revision surgery...and that bought me a year; a year in which my guard relaxed and I thought I was safe.  That illusion of safety was rudely shattered this Saturday.  Online in discussing it in a forum I frequent, a person said to me that their mom suffered the same thing and THERE WAS NOTHING THAT COULD BE DONE FOR HER....THEY JUST HAD TO KEEP POPPING IT BACK INTO PLACE.  As I read that, the horror of that froze me.  You mean there may not be a solution?  no cure??? I may have to go through this time and again??   And once more, that ugly unanswerable WHY????

Today a friend called me and told me about a program where they were discussing the topic of suffering....One of the guests on the John Ankerberg show was Joni Eareckson Tada, one of my heroes in suffering.  She has written many books and as my pastor read her most recent one, he could only think (as he told me later) "this woman sounds just like Cynthia."  Joni and I have both walked through deep waters of suffering and we've both arrived at similar conclusions. 

But you know what?  Those conclusions....while I still deeply espouse them...they don't always make it easy to accept it when you are smacked in the face with the insult of another injury or worse pain.  Suffering is suffering.  And well, It SUCKS.  And yet, it  is the road that God is calling me to walk.  Tonight, I could barely get dinner.  my feet and legs and hands were all hurting unbearably.  And as I hobbled around...I didn't think of the deep theological things that can accompany suffering.  I just prayed this breath prayer that is constantly on my lips. "Lord Jesus, please help me."  I must say that, over and over and over a thousand times a day. I don't honestly know if it accomplishes much.  But I"m still here.  I've gotten through each agonizing second that brought me to this agonizing second. I'm still here. I'm still God's daughter.  I'm still the bride of Christ.  I'm still alive, still "fighting", still hurting, still alive.

Years ago, I had mental anguish. mental agony that led me to reject God and attempt over and over to take my own life.  And God refused ---over and over ---to let me succeed.  And I look at my life now...not having accomplished anything of great note.  And only filled with 24 hours a day of pain...And I ask, "God, why?  Why did you preserve me from death, only to lay me aside and to have such agony of pain constantly?  Why? what could possibly have been your purpose?"  And I think to myself,...maybe God says to the angels, gesturing to Pennsylvania, "Have you taken a look at my child, Cynthia?  Years ago, with a little anguish, she wanted to die.  Now she has LOTS of agony...and she's still plugging along.  Still praising Me.  Still mentoring her ladies.  See how far she's come??"  And it may be far, in a direction I didn't choose, don't want,and don't understand. ...But I know that somewhere in the depths of the mighty wisdom of God, there is a purpose.  He hasn't revealed it to me yet.  All  I know is that it is my job to keep on plugging along with the strength he gives me for each second. (he doesn't dispense my strength in daily portions...he knows I'd use it all up in the first five minutes)....He doesn't mind if, in my pain , I cry out "Why God??" as long as I'm okay with not getting an answer to that just yet.  As long as I trust him that there IS an answer and that one day, along with many other mysteries, it will be revealed to me.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Writhings and Sinkings

In case you'd noticed the peculiar lack of mention of pain in the past three months....I'm about to explain it to you.  I'd noticed I was feeling better too...but mostly I was so busy feelk ing better and doing things that had been previously impossible because of pain...I didn't have time to analyze why.  My only real limiting factor off and on was that of asthma.

Well, then I came off the steroids on Sunday of this week.   By Tuesday, I was hurting .  By Wednesday I was consumed by pain.  Yesterday I had an MD appointment. and I was destroyed by pain.  We had a couple of other stops to make in addition to the doctor, so we were out from about 10:00 to 4:00...In the car on the way home pain was making it difficult for me to converse...and exhaustion such as I can't even begin to describe began to grip me.  Several times in the car my eyes closed for a minute or two but I managed to mostly stay away.  I got home and crawled up the stairs...staggered into my room. plopped into the recliner and was asleep before my butt even hit the seat.

When I got up I was hurting.  God bless my friend Kathy, who took me to the doctor yesterday, because she bought us a rotisserie chicken from Sam's Club for our dinner last night...so all I had to do was to heat it up and boil some potatoes.  But even that was really more than I could manage.  AFter dinner my husband asked me to mix up a recipe for him and also to make his lunch for today.  I almost cried.  It was all I could do to remain standing. My entire body hurt...no, hurt is too mild a word.   My body was writhing in agony --only that "writhing " was probably invisible but my body did look like something was very wrong. I was limping badly and every joint was stiff and hurting. I cannot do it justice in words.  Words pale in their ability to convey how I was feeling. The experience cannot be replicated by mere syllables.

Finally I was done making his sandwich...I hobbled down to my room and realized I wasn't wearing sweats, so I couldn't just fall into bed.  So I had to ask my husband to help me undress.  I hurt so badly that his pulling my shirt off over my head made me gasp and cry out.  Once he removed my socks, he helped me put my sleep pants on  and I finally dropped into bed.  But despite incredible exhaustion it was over an hour or two before I could sleep...Pain was too consuming ...I took my morphine and oxycodone...and waited.  And waited. Finally sleep came.  AT midnight I was awakened by pain...I crept to my recliner...and passed out there.  At three oclock...I felt my cat stirring in my lap...she was disturbed by my wiggling in pain...so we both moved once more to the bed....and I slept again until 6:00.  At 6:00 I was so stiff and so hurting that it was all I could do to make it to my recliner.  It's now 8:00 and I've been sitting here since 6:00 trying to talk my body into moving.

Last night my exhaustion was so great I kept having this image me sinking through my bed, through the floor, through the basement floor and down into the earth beneath.  I felt so heavy that that is how I felt like I would maybe get some relief.  I can't explain it and I know it seems silly.  But that image kept coming to my mind.

So conclusion?  Steroids were really helping my pain.  However, I'm having shoulder surgery very soon... It really is not safe to be on steroids in surgery.  And I will also have to quit my Enbrel as well.  The agony of just that alone is terrifying.  The surgical pain will just be another discomfort.  My own pain will I'm sure compete or supersede the pain of the shoulder replacement.  Am I scared?
You betcha.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Afters - Lift Me Up - Official Video

This song came on this morning...it was early --about 4:00 AM having been up since 1:30 with pain.  I was thinking of the two surgeries that are breathing down my neck.  I really REALLY don't want to have these surgeries...If I could just trade lives with someone who is healthy, I would SO do it.  But this song came on in the midst of my fear....

Waiting for the sunrise,
Waiting for the day
I'm waiting for a sign that I'm where you want me to be
You know my heart is heavy
and the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me that we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when  I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You're lifting me when I can't see
Your heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go.

All I could say was "Thank you Jesus for knowing how  I'm feeling and for giving me this song in the night"


Sunday, April 22, 2012

A Hoppy Week

My life, once again, is centered on pain and on trying to figure out ways of doing essential tasks with a "handicap" -- in this case, a torn hamstring.  I just took my first shower in our tub (don't worry, I'd also showered at a friend's house who has a walk-in shower....so No, I did  not go a whole week without one.  Yes, It's been a week.  A week today.  And already it seems like it's been for months that I've had this pain and that I've been limited to doing almost nothing because EVERYTHING hurts.  Even sitting in my recliner.  Even lying in bed.

But I do have to say that it is getting better.  The times when I exclaim out loud (ok: Yell) because of pain are now once or twice an hour instead of once every five minutes.  Does that mean that the pain is getting better, or that I"m simply getting used to it.?  Probably a combo of both.  It still hurts a heck of a lot.  I didn't go to church today, knowing I'd be miserable.  I went to Bible Study on Wednesday past and it was hell.  I couldn't stand and I couldn't sit.  So I went into the adjacent dining room and paced back and forth with my crutches or sat on the edge of the hardbacked dining chairs.

Now I've graduated to a cane. The crutches are more pain free to walk with, but they are a royal pain in the tush.  So I suck it up...no excuse me, I've been informed that the current expression is "Man it up"...so I man it up and endure the pain in exchange for convenience.  (man it up: isn't that a sexist remark???, someone ought to call the PC Police on the inventor of that one.)

My cat has decided that now, I'm better and that my bare feet are once again fair game to be tackled and bitten.  She has this terrible habit of always noticing when I'm barefoot...or  even just in flip flops which is what I"ve been wearing this week.  And she hides, then pounces and then chomps.  I hate it that she does this and I've done everything conceivable to make her stop, including whacking her (OK, DON'T call the PC police on that one)....nothing will convince her to stop.  However, when I came  home with crutches, she somehow understood that my feet were not to be messed with...and so she didn't.  Until today.  I had my cane, but that didn't thwart her....and she made munch-meat of my feet again.

I guess in her book, one week on disability leave is enough.

I've been reading (a blog series of Beth Moore sister's (Gay is her name) escape from severe alcoholism. into the loving forgiveness of Jesus' embrace.  My dad had collected all seven installments off of the internet and made it into a mini-Kindle book which he gave me to read. (I don't know if that is legal or not...We aren't going to sell it or distribute it :)  )So I read that--a great read and a great story of God's grace and reconstruction of a life that was devastated by that disease.  And I've also been painting.  Here is the product of my labors.:


She is supposed to be in an old car (her clothes are from the 60's or early 70's, so I assume the car is also. I was working from another picture that I lifted from a friend's Facebook account.   I've come to the conclusion that I'd better not do that anymore.  Maybe it is rude.  Or breaking some unwritten copyright rule.  I don't know.  Photographers are allowed by law to photograph people for their art...shouldn't artists be allowed the same privilege?  Of course by the nature of our work, we would either have to photograph a scene or work from a photo. Any thoughts on this? 

For example the famous picture of the Arabian girl with the incredible eyes who was on the cover of National Geographic...That is a famous photo...award-winning in fact.  But I painted her.  And I'm not the only one who did.  I saw on Deviant Art another artist who'd painted her as well.....Is that an infringement of copyright??  If you list your source, I shouldn't think it would be...but who knows, maybe it is.  If anyone reading this has any information or even opinion on this, please let me know.

I know that there is not much in the way of profundity here...but I was just catching you up on my week in case you wondered if I fell off the edges of the planet. 

I watched a great movie btw.  It's called "To Save a Life" and it was highly recommended to me by a good friend of mine...an MK (missionary's kid) to whom I speak on Google chat.  She's been trying to talk me into getting it for a while. And I did. (Amazon , $7.00) and it was worth it.  I watched it on my computer with my earbuds...and it was a good way to lose myself for an afternoon.  I love movies that do that.: suck you in so that you forget where you are and the pain you are in. When I'm in the hospital sometimes I'll watch a movie and that will happen.  An afternoon that I didn't want to have to live gets sucked up into forgetfulness and invested in the world of the movie....It's a great relief sometimes.

Well, it's been a week since I fell over my treadmill in the dark, and I've passed that milestone in the possibly months of recovery from this injury that I have a head of me.  Sheesh.  You'd think that I should have happier landmarks in  the road map of my life.  But no. I go from injury to sickness, one hospital to another.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Roots of Joy


Today as I was journaling, I wrote the sentence, “I'm unhappy....” and then I proceeded to write a list of things in my life that are causing my unhappiness such as poor health and a difficult marriage. As I wrote these things, tears began to gather and spill. I am not a crier, .but I realized my unhappiness must be addressed. Because of my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder I can become suicidally depressed -- so I know that buried, unrecognized depression is life threatening for me. It will open up its cavernous mouth and swallow me whole if I don't deal with it in its infancy.

So on my computer I proceeded to look up every instance of the word “Joy” in Scripture, and in m notebook, I jotted down the cause or source of Joy in each verse. And because repetition indicates emphasis in Scripture I will here list those that made frequent appearances.

One of the most common factors which result in joy is the Presence of the Lord. This was true in both the Old and New Testaments. The presence could be experienced as fire, as the Ark of the Covenant, as the Shekinah Glory of God in his temple....etc. In the OT also the celebration of the festivals of God and the rejoicing following victory in battle were also mentioned. Being spared from danger, rescued from captivity, the rewards of a righteous life, joy in being declared innocent, and similarly confession, repentance and forgiveness result in joy. Obedience, the fear of God, humility, God's Laws, salvation --all bring joy. God's creation responds with Joy to him as well, and there are at the end of the OT many, many references to the joy we will experience in the New Earth and also during Christ's millennial reign and at the resurrection of our own bodies. The OT ends with a number of references which describe the removal of joy at the withdrawal of God's presence from his people due to their sin....and this preceded a long period of silence from God between Malachi and Matthew at the onset of the New Testament period.

In the New Testament, again, joy came as a result of being in God's presence. The presence of the infant Jesus, the culmination of centuries of promise; brought all those who recognized him for who he was, immense joy. Joy came as a gift or fruit of the Holy Spirit. Joy comes as a result of our trusting in him (Rom. 15:15)...the apostles took great joy in the joy of their converts to the faith and at the evidence of the strength of those early churches. Our own faith brings us joy (Phil 1:25)...the love evidenced by other believers brings joy.

And there was a new cause for joy never mentioned at all in the OT. And that is that suffering brings us joy. In the OT, when God's people suffered it was because they disobeyed the Lord God. However, the NT...people were being killed for their obedience. Persecution entered the scene for the believer and it has not stopped since then in some part of the world or other. And as we all know, it is now on a world wide rise as thousands of Christians are being tortured and slaughtered and enslaved as a result of their love for Jesus.

Peter and James and even the words of Jesus himself addressed this new threat and they oddly enough, listed it amongst the reasons for rejoicing and as an ingredient for joy. And we are told, as Jesus did, (see Heb 12:2)...to endure suffering because the joy that is to come far outweighs any present pain we may have.

I then did something I maybe should have done in the beginning of my study and I looked up the words “joy” and “happiness” in an older edition of Webster's Dictionary...and this is what I learned:
Happiness is good luck, prosperity, or “the enjoyment of pleasurable satisfaction attendant on welfare.” in other words, Happiness depends on its current set of circumstances. Circumstance dictates happiness or lack thereof.

Joy on the other hand, is the emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good. It is gladness or delight, or that which causes happiness.

Joy then comes before Happiness and can give birth to it. Happiness cannot exist apart from Joy. However Joy can exist without happiness....if “good” is anticipated as a result o f the current unhappy state of affairs Joy is the steadier of the two emotions. As Nathaniel Hawthorne once said, “happiness is fleeting” and he compared it to a butterfly. Joy is stronger and more morally pure than is happiness.

In Scripture Joy is never mentioned apart from God himself or apart from the gifts he gives us (such as our children, riches, the Creation) Joy is all wrapped up in God. If I find God; I find Joy. If I am joyless it is because I am seeking Joy apart from God...in my circumstances rather than in the One who designed them. I'm looking for joy in all the wrong places.

Am I confusing joy and happiness? Or have I allowed the Presence of God to diminish in my experience? I do greatly anticipate heaven. I long for the coming of Justice on the earth. I have great suffering...but am I allowing it to steer me toward bitterness, or am I rejoicing in the fellowship of Christ and his suffering? I have lately been very thankful of late, that I serve a God who knows the meaning of pain and of suffering...but have I felt like “poor, poor pitiful me” whom God has decided to deal with the hard end of shepherd's staff rather than by his loving embrace? I think my problem today has been that I've kept my eyes on my suffering rather than on the God who allowed it and on the benefit which will come as a result of my pain.

As I write and blog, many people have thanked me for either coming alongside them as they too suffer, and giving words and meaning to their pain; or for teaching them the lessons of pain which they may have never learned as they are living lives of blessing and have never even thought about the questions that we who suffer deal with daily. I need to refocus my eyes on the work that God is doing in me and in others as a result of my pain. I will renew my joy in that....and in the reward that will come to me as a result.

So: refocus and re-shine that gold which the Father is refining in me....and therein I will find my misplaced Joy. If I meditate on what I truly deserve and on what God in his mercy and grace is preparing for me, Joy cannot help but spring forth in me. My experiences here on this earth are not unfair. Considering what it is I really deserve as a consequence of my sin and the end result of my life which I shall receive....I can really have no complaints. In fact, all I can do is to rejoice.

Morning Apology

.I want to apologize for my self pity yesterday.  I do not usually "go there" and yesterday, I did.
This morning I am in a lot of pain...but my heart is quiet; no longer shouting "why?"  I will come back and write a lengthier post when I have something more to say. I will leave you with the verse that is on my heart this morning.  It's one that is so common that we can lose its significance through its familiarity.  So here it is; give it a good "think-through"---

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; 
do not depend on your own understanding.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Why-O-Why-O-Why????

On Sunday I was downstairs in my "other" bedroom.  It's a basement room and was nice and cool despite the temps outside pushing 90.  I picked up some grocery bags and opened the door to the adjoining room where I planned to store them....That room was dark because the light switch for it was on the opposite wall.  I took two steps and suddenly found myself lurching forward....My foot had gotten stuck under our treadmill which was partially blocking my path...As I began to fall, in  that initial jolt, I felt something "POP" in the back of my leg...and that pop came  accompanied by horrific pain....But I couldn't attend to that pain then...I was too busy trying not to land on the floor.  I stumbled and staggered for what seemed like ten minutes.  All I could think was "God PLEASE don't let me fall and break my new hip!"  Why am I such a clutz??

I didn't fall.
I came to a stop in a standing, crouched-over position and found myself in unbelievable and agonizing pain.  I knew right then what I'd done.  I'd torn my hamstring.  This was later confirmed by the ER doc after the ambulance crew dropped me at the nearest hospital and they'd done a series of X-rays throughout which I cried and tried not to scream by biting my lips bloody.  It had been hard getting onto the stretcher...hard to be jolted and rolled out of the basement, through the slanted metal doors and up into blinding sunlight, through the garage and into the ambulance. The ride there was agonizing as well.  But these were all paled by the X-rays.  They X-rayed my hips, pelvis, femur and knee...and to move myself into the necessary positions for these caused me pain like ....well, the only comparable pain was when I'd thrice dislocated my hip.  The thing is though, that my hip, once I'd gone through a few hours of agony....was instantly "all better" after it was replaced into the socket.   THIS, however, goes on and on and I know from what the doctors have told me...it will NOT go away any time soon.  WHY do I keep finding new ways to feel pain?  And why are they never short term like getting a splinter?

So here I am...three days later, still in the same pair of shorts and (gross , I know) undies that I was wearing on Sunday when I fell (staggered? stumbled??).  I'm wearing the same clothes because I know that to change them myself will cause unbelievable pain.  I finally admitted to my husband today that I need his help to get changed.  The reason for my hesitation is not pride.  Please believe me on this.  Anyway.  I'm told by my orthopedic surgeon yesterday, who was so amazed at my incredible habit for getting into painful medical quandaries, that he started laughing in wry astonishment--but then quickly apologized for laughing and made the obvious understatement, "you just can't get a break can you?"  I wanted to tell him that if I did get a break, it would likely be my neck...but didn't want to give Fate any ideas. lol. (I do NOT believe in Fate btw...I believe in a loving and wise God who sometimes astonishes me with his definition of "good"  and "beneficial")  Why does nothing good ever seem to happen??

Here I am--three days later with the prospect of a long, pain-filled summer before me.  Pain from my leg...and then somewhere in there interjecting with its own agony is my first shoulder replacement....will be my lot for endless weeks to come.  My garden will have to go by the wayside. My dreams of storing the fruits of my propagation for the winter disappeared with a sizzle and a groan.  I'm left holding the crutch. And my kneeling bench (brand new) and my garden gloves (also new) will have to join my spade and fork and ergonomic trowel in the garage to gather dust for yet another year.  Days like today leave me wondering with a bitter taste in my mind, whether there ever will  come a year when I have all my aching joints replaced and have regained enough mobility to garden and go to the beach and walk through the sand...to walk and to jog;...to do the arthritis walk that I'd do much wanted to do this year....Will that day come?  Or will this disease just progress resolutely like a bulldozer through my dreams and wishes?  Why is the door shut to every earthly desire I have?  Am I to only have heavenly desires?  Then why am I not there?

Yesterday my Orthopedic surgeon told me that hamstring tears take a LONG long time from which to recover.  Well,. There goes my summer.  There goes my garden.  There goes any trip we may want to take.  There goes  just about everything for the next six months.  NOT only that, but I will at some point in there be having bilateral shoulder surgeries.  The ortho surgeon told me to go ahead and schedule it and see how I feel. If I'm still not feeling better,then to cancel.  Why can I never make plans?

The thing that really really just SUCKS is the loneliness.  And the fact that people seem to be so clueless.  I guess I do the same thing.  When  a call comes through the prayer chain saying "please pray for so-and-so who hurt their back"  it is NOT enough to simply pray "Lord, Please heal so -and-so."  We are also to LOVE them....and that means to find out their needs and to meet them as best we can.  Sometimes, I've done that.  Other times, I've just taken the easy route and prayed for them.  But dealing with chronic sickness has brought me nose - to - hard - nose with the fact of unmet needs and people who don't visit, don't call, and don't offer to help.  Now, do not get me wrong...there are a few people who do call.  who have offered.  Not very many (I can't think of any) have visited....but I do not want to diminish the goodness of and my appreciation for those who have put themselves out and helped.  But you know what happens?  For example...I do not drive.  And all of my doctors are in the adjoining state , about an hour away. (due to my husband's employment and the insurance regulations)....I, right now, have only two or maybe three people whom I may ask to drive me to these appointments.  I average probably 4 appointments per month,.  One of these people is my 70-something father who has to drive an hour to get to my house and then the hour to get to the doctor and the two hours to reverse the process.  Four hours of driving for a ten minute appointment,...  Any way that's beside the point.
Why do we not actively pray with our actions as well as our minds?

My point is that my one friend who always gets stuck helping me...is on the verge of telling me, "Look I can't be your friend anymore.  You need too much."  --just as all my other friends have told me---And the other friends were asked really nothing in the way of help...they just couldn't deal with my illness in general.  Whose "job" is it to get me where I need to go?  (the one, glaring , obvious answer is a "no-go" because ....well, just because.)  It should not be the job of my one friend.  There is no public transportation.  Really, it must be a shared task accomplished by the church.  If everyone took one turn...they would only have to probably do it once in a year.  So why WHY does that not happen??

And why WHY does no one stop over for tea?
Why?

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Mental Illness, Sin, and Salvation

I've been involved in an ongoing discussion with a young woman who has asked Jesus to be Lord of her life, but who has doubts about the reality of her salvation because of the lack of changes to be seen in her behavior and character.  The young lady (I'll call her DF for dear friend.) also suffers from a mental illness and in her initial question to me, she wondered if it is possible for a mentally ill person to be truly saved.   At first I didn't "get" her question....not really.  My answer automatically came, "Of course it is; Jesus said whoever came to him he would "in no wise cast out."  And that answer remains true for me today.  But recently, I've begun to see the essence of her question, which I'd missed prior.

As time and discussion passed, I saw that DF has a problem in two areas.  1- lies in her comprehension of grace. She struggles with  it at least in an applicable sense,  she understands it intellectually, but  for her, like so many of us, the idea of salvation is so amazing that we feel that we are unworthy (which of course,we are) and that God cannot possibly save us unless we somehow earn his favor and impress him with our goodness. 

Her second problem is related to the first in a hand in glove manner.  And that is that she views God as a wrathful, vengeful, "Father" who is bent on being critical of his creatures and is inclined to punish them as a knee-jerk reaction.  She doesn't see (in experience...again; she knows it intellectually) that God IS love; that his first inclination is to love us; that he loved us so much that he went to the preposterous length of coming to earth in the confines of a human body...lived a sinless life....and then voluntarily surrendered himself into the hands of wicked men, who murdered him in a horrific manner.

If God loves us enough to do that...and if he could pray for his murderers while hanging on the cross...and take the time and breath to send a thief on his way to heaven while he hung there...then certainly, he can find a way around our daily sin.  And he has...first, it was paid for on the cross with his own blood and secondly, he has given us the wonder of confession, repentance and forgiveness...and these are followed by the most amazing and wonderful thing of all...Forgetfulness.  God separates himself from the memory of our sin "as far as the East is from the West..." and "as deep as the deepest ocean"

"But" we insist...:"I keep on sinning.  Not only that, I keep on sinning the same sins over and over and over."  And as a person who struggles with a mental illness --especially one with a symptom of irritability or irrational anger, and depression--we can feel compelled to sin and it does feel as though we are  fighting a losing battle. One that is impossible to win.   For me, that battle manifests itself in impatience and bad language.  I do not curse at people...but have me drop a bowl of something and look out!  And the sicker I am mentally; the worse that behavior is.  And it feels completely out of my hands....It feels like I have  NO control over it whatsoever, because try as I do, I cannot break myself of it.  I've agonized over this sin...feeling like, "If that's what spontaneously comes from my mouth, then it must evidence a really foul, corrupt heart."

And I think it is here that DF's question comes into play.  Can a person whose illness causes them to be angry, or inconsiderate...or a host of other possibilities....can they be saved?
I still stick by my initial answer.  Yes. Indubitably.  However, there are some sins which will take an act of God to overcome.  And really ...it takes an act of God to overcome any of our sin.....because sin is not only a behavior or a word...it is a root which  is anchored deeply in our souls and only the hands of God can get rid of that root.  Self -control is not enough.

For a person with mental illness, there may be more overt sins to overcome.  They may be harder than the average sin in the average person to defeat and they may feel completely beyond our control....but "who then can be saved??"  and Jesus answered  "With God all things are possible."  Salvation is GOD:'s work.  Sanctification, also , is God's work.  However, we can and should place ourselves in a place where holiness is encouraged to grow...And this is by practicing the spiritual disciplines.  These will help foster holiness in us...but obviously, we still must rely on God to do the work.

I'd like to give you an example from my own life.
Schizophrenic people almost as a rule, smoke.  And for a person with SZ, quitting is close to impossible. It's hard for "normal" people...but because of the way a schizophrenic's brain is wired and because of the physical, self medicating effects of the tobacco.....it is hundreds of times harder for us to quit.

I used to smoke.  Two packs a day most of the time...I started in a psych hospital (back when smoking in public places was legal)...and became SO addicted that I literally could not under any circumstances go for more than an hour and  a half without a cigarette...and that was even difficult.  I  tried to quit.  I tried every conceivable method  to quit..including acupuncture.  NOTHING worked...not even for one day.  It became a joke amongst my family and friends when I would tell them (once again) that I was quitting.

This was, I felt, a sin because it was harming my body; and it was costing me a LOT of money that I really didn't have to spare.  I prayed frantically, desperately, for God to help me to quit.

FINALLY,  after at least 12 years of trying to quit: I did.  That was back in 1995.  Almost 20 years have gone by...and I have not had even one puff of a cigarette since.  I know, if I did  have even one puff...it would be all over: I would be right back to it.  But with God's help, I overcame that sin.  The battle was long and really really hard; but the victory was won.  Do I believe that that sin was held against me in any way?  NO. God knows, it was out of my hands until the time came when HE was ready to release me.  And I think, actually, that my persistence and determination to quit even in the face of hundreds of failures...I think that God applauded that.

So DF. Yes, we have challenges and struggles that are above and beyond the ordinary.  But if we HATE our sin; if we persist in working with God to be rid of it...one by one, those strongholds will  fall...And when they do, the victory will be sweet and complete.  God will not wag a finger at you for struggling with a sin.  If you take delight in your sin...If you willfully indulge in it...Then yes, God will hold you accountable.  But God understands our insides completely.  He knows what  we are able to do and what our illnesses can compel us to do.  Make use  of confession.  Repent in your heart by acknowledging the wrongness of your behavior...and work with God in prayer to defeat it...And one by one, those battles will be won.

You are a beloved child of God.  He made you --illness and all---for his own reasons.  And he knows your abilities, strengths and weaknesses....and he loves you ; the sum total of you and will refine you slowly over time.  Just remember to persist. And keep that desire to be holy strong...and it will come.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

40 Days


This is a painting I thought I finished today...however now that I'm looking closer, I see that there are some areas which need a bit more work.  I guess that's appropriate...I have areas that need a bit more work also. :)

I've entitled this painting: "40 Days" because in it my friend is praying ...and it reminded me of the wilderness experiences of Moses, Jesus, and Paul.  I hope you like it...I thought I would show it regardless of its incomplete state...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

"He is not here, He is Risen!"

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Recovery: In the Balance


There is a man who now heads up a company who publishes several magazines on the topic of mental illness....or perhaps I should say "mental health."  His name is Bill MacPhee and he also has a series of video blogs on YouTube...several of which cover the topic of his definition of "recovery."

You see, Bill MacPhee has schizophrenia, was hospitalized 6 times and had attempted suicide....and yet, today he calls himself  a "recovered Schizophrenic."  But, you say, SZ has no cure.  It is a lifetime, degenerative disease....How can one recover?

They can if they re-define recovery.

And that is what Bill has done.  Here is his definition of recovery:
"...my definition of recovery is that you wouldn’t want to be anyone else other than who you are."
 (taken from http://www.mentalwellnesstoday.com/Community/MentalWellnessBlog/BlogPost/tabid/406/Article/251/share-your-recovery-stories-with-us.aspx)

Today I read an article put out by SparkPeople.com and it made me think about this definition.  And I have to warn you, that at this moment I don't know where I'm going with this...I just know that there is something -- some connection or realization I need to find by pursuing this...So I'm inviting you along for the ride.  I will show you the quote from the article called, "Moderation in All Things" http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivation_articles.asp?id=729  and then we will see where these two quotes combined take us.

At a deeper level, moderation is a commitment to balance and wholeness. It is rooted in the recognition that each person has many different (and often competing) needs, desires, abilities, and goals. Living up to your full potential means finding ways to incorporate all of them into your decision-making processes and choices...
...Remind yourself that what happens on any one day is not going to make or break your whole effort. This is not a contest or a race, where every little misstep could mean the difference between winning and losing. It’s your life—and you’ll enjoy it a lot more when you can keep the daily ups and downs of your eating and your exercise routine in perspective.

Payoff: By refusing to be a perfectionist, you can take most of the stress out of weight loss. You’ll see small problems as what they are—very small problems, not major calamities that mean you've blown it. You'll be able to find pleasure and satisfaction in the fact you’re learning as you go and doing a little better all the time. No more making things worse because your perfectionism caused you to write off the rest of the day or week after one little slip.

You are probably scratching your head right now, thinking I'm crazy to see a connection between the two...but trust me: it's here.  I think that in order to arrive at the point that Bill MacPhee describes...one has to travel by the path the Spark quote describes.  In order to be able to describe yourself as "recovered" you must be able to see yourself as a whole being...an accumulation of wants, weaknesses, strengths, and a mash of past personal history....and you have to sort of take the highs and the lows, the strengths and the weaknesses and average them all together and LIKE what you come out with at the end.

This doesn't mean that you will be always perfect ...or like yourself at every moment...  It doesn't even mean that you won't be carted off in four point restraints on some occasion.  It means that you will have good times and you will have bad times.  Times of strength; times of weakness.  But on a whole, if you can say...."I'm not the scum of the earth. I'm not a hopeless failure. I'm ME, and I have an illness.  But that illness is not the definition or the sum total of me.  It does not have the power to destroy me.  I will not give it that power.  I will go on to do the best that I can at that moment, for each moment of my life."  And if I can do that, then that's all anyone could ask of me; including me of myself.  And that's okay.

HMmmm. I think that's all I'm gonna say about that.
But I will think about it some more....because I don't know if  I'm "there yet"....I tend to be quite a perfectionist and very demanding of myself....and the fact that in the past 4 years I haven't been able to meet my own demands, has left me very dissatisfied and feeling like a large (okay,"extra large") failure.  But honestly. If I were to look at the whole picture...I'm not doing all that badly.  Maybe it's time to cut myself some slack.  I always preach "moderation in all things" (which btw , is a quote from the Bible) and I'm a huge proponent of balance.  So what is balance other than an equilibrium between two extremes?  That doesn't mean there is NO extremely bad.  It just means that for every "bad" there is a "good' or a combination of "goods" that weigh it all out.


And if I can just see that---and begin to believe it--I just might be able to like who I am and not want to exchange my life for someone else's.  And then "whoala!"  ....RECOVERY.

postscript:
I do not want to give the impression that a person is judged ultimately by how they balance out.  We are all unregenerate sinners....and cannot hope to earn favor with God by being on the whole "not so bad"....I'm not talking about salvation here...or eternal destiny.  We need Jesus for that.
I'm talking about how I view myself and think of myself.  And if I add to the mix that I'm a unique creation of God's and that he Loves Me  infinitely...then who am I to complain about how he made me?

Friday, April 6, 2012

Mental Sluggishness

One of the most frustrating things about having schizophrenia is the diminishing in mental agility.  I've mentioned in past posts how I used to love to read and could 'inhale' (as my mom put it) a 1000 page book in a single day....and regularly did so.  Now, I read....but for me to actually finish a book is something to be celebrated.  I love the idea of it; reading.  I buy Kindle books and have probably 25 of them waiting to be read.....but I just get bogged down in them.  And I have absolutely no tolerance for conundrums.  These plot mechanisms which form the skeleton of so many books, drive me insane (OK, short trip. I know).  I have no stomach for them...they get me way too upset and frustrated.  I can't even stand to watch I Love Lucy  or The Flintstones....those shows live in conundrum-land.
So what often happens is that I will smell one coming....and quickly switch to another book, to avoid the inevitable twisting in my gut that I get from them.

That's reading. 
There's also conversation.  Quick-minded banter used to be my hometown.  Now ...well, I can't get out of my own way verbally. I hate talking on the telephone and avoid it at most costs.  I haven't had a conversation with anyone lasting longer than probably five minutes in years.  I'm constantly frustrated because I've somehow misrepresented myself; often ticked someone off by a blundering remark; not gotten a really obvious joke (I tend to take things way too literally), or just gotten in over my head.  That never used to happen.

I can still pretty well look at  a problem--especially a mechanical one--and come up with a solution.  My husband comes to me when something needs to be fixed or figured out along those lines.  Maybe that's why a lot of people with SZ work in maintenance type jobs and less of us become astrophysicists.   And this is a real shame and it really speaks of the destructiveness of this disease.  It tends to strike people who were highly intelligent, creative people....and it makes them into mental mush heads.  OK, maybe that's not fair to some .  And maybe it's not even true of me.  But comparatively-- when I think o f where I was and then where I am...it makes me very sad.  And I don't like showing this person that I now am to people....especially to those who knew me before.  So I stay home, in my room and I write blogs.  And I'm still working on my manuscript--although  I'd put it aside for quite a while.  Yesterday I sent in a submission to the Christian Choice Writers' Contest.   I think what I wrote it pretty okay...so we'll see on Tuesday if anything comes of it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Where did I put my Joy?

I've been watching a series of DVD's of a conference given by John Piper, a renowned minister and author, called "When I don't Desire God"...It covers the material in his book by the same title and then some.  That book was the offshoot of his more well known book, "Desiring God:" and addresses the problem of people for whom God does not awaken a passion and joy in their hearts when they think of him or are in his presence.  One might be tempted to think that it is not so important how we feel about God as long as we obey him....but as Piper is pointing out in this series, nothing could be farther from the truth.

He gives many many examples taken from Scripture to back this idea...
One of them that struck me was " Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things, therefore you shall serve your enemies" (Deut 28:47)  In other words, "if you're going to be miserable around me, then be miserable around someone with whom you should be miserable."  God wants us to exult in him.  He also wants us to exalt him.  And the truth is that when we exult in him, he is exalted.  Piper puts it this way, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him"

Is it sin not to take delight in God?
It is not only sin; it is the mark of someone who does not even know God.  It is a crucial issue: Does God have first place in our hearts?  If not, then we are guilty of breaking first and last commandments.  "Have no other gods before me."  If we love something more than we love God (Money, family, prestige, our "stuff"), then those things are false gods to us....and God calls himself "jealous"...He is jealous of us the way our lover would be jealous....He gives us all of his love and passion...it is only right that he should want ours in return.  Besides, to really experience God fully and to take delight in his Person is a gift to us also...We are not gratifying God's ego--We are allowing him to express his love to us by giving us the gift of himself, for there can be no greater, no more rewarding or delightful gift to be had.  

illustration from "The Story of Stuff" with Annie Leonard
And if we love something that is besides our God...we are desiring other than God...This is coveting--an issue of the heart.  It is misdirected desire.  God is to be the source of the fulfillment of our desires; our treasure trove of satisfactions.  He is our all in all.  This principle was illustrated in the New Testament when the rich young ruler asked Jesus what he might do to earn eternal life.  Jesus told him to keep the commandments....and listed some of them.  The young man replied that he'd kept those commands....but then Jesus came in for the kill.  He zeroed in on the heart misdirection that the man had as when in response to Jesus' injunction to sell all he had and give it to the poor and then to come and follow him; the young man could not comply and walked away sad.  And  he walked away with out Jesus.  And he walked away without eternal life.

It's a frightening thought...that God will be our all, or he will be nothing to us.  But the Bible seems to make this quite clear.

As I've been watching these videos, I've been testing myself; questioning my love for God to see if it is as pure and as passionate as God commands and wants it to be.  Years ago, I fought the battle of the "stuff" and after much mental preparation and prayer, I asked a friend to come into my house. I showed her all my possessions--my greatest treasures. And I told her to take what she wanted of them.  Just to help herself.  And the test to myself was for me to let her...and to have no regrets about it...for it was my  gift to God of my heart.   But now, I wonder if I could do that again. I think I could....but that doesn't prove really a passion for God...it just proves an open hand with my belongings...It proves I can be content with or without my belongings.  I am not sure how I could test my desire for God.  But I've asked myself some disturbing questions in an attempt to do this.

I asked myself what I would do if I wanted to do something to make myself happy.  Would I spend time with the Lord and his Word....? Or would I buy myself something?
I asked myself why, if I love God above all else, I do not talk to him more than I do.
It's easy to tell God, "Lord, I would give up everything for you.  I would die for you," But when he asks us to give up something much less...or to do something much easier....we somehow are unable or unwilling--does this not show a disregard for God?  If I found all my joy in him, would I not gladly do anything he asked of me?

It is good to assess ourselves; to ask ourselves hard questions...because someday we will be giving answers to these questions...and then the answers will be written in pen...or engraved in stone....and unchangeable. Much better it is, to address them now while there is still opportunity to change our responses.   I cannot talk myself into being ecstatic over God.  I cannot increase my love for him as an act of my will....The disciples asked in amazed concern "Who then, can be saved?"  And Jesus told them, "with man it is impossible...But with God, all things are possible."  I believe that I have to place myself in a position of nearness to God; to meditate on his character and works; to immerse myself in the Word and above all, to pray -- to ask him to ignite a fervor in my heart.  Fasting too, has been described as the fertile soil wherein holiness may grow...To fast is to take my focus off of the material world and my body's demands...and to feast instead on God.  So I can place myself in the position of proximity and readiness to receive...and then ask God to do this in me: show me Himself and to light my passion and joy on fire.  Then I will wait in a state of faith and trust....because God has promised that if we ask of him anything according to his will; he will do it.  And this we can be assured, is something he wants.