A Taste of Joy

On this past Thursday, my husband and I left for a small trip--an overnight to Allentown PA where my daughter and her boyfriend live.  We stayed in a nearby Comfort Suites hotel and got a chance to meet W (A's boyfriend)'s family for the first time.  It's less than a two hour drive from our home however, to me it was as exciting as going overseas.  You have to understand that other than to go to MD appointments or to the grocery store or once in a while, to church, I've not stepped foot outside my house since the Writer's Conference last summer....and that also was an exception to a longstanding "rule."

On Friday evening my daughter and W came over to the hotel and we went out to White Castle (my husband's favorite haute cuisine) for dinner and then to a nearby mall.  My beloved iPod had malfunctioned two days prior to the trip so I was excited to see an Apple store at the mall and was able to get it exchanged for a brand spankin' new one.  I also lucked out at a Teavana store and got a tea thermos for half price and some yummy new tea.

After a restless, painful night (hotel beds and I do not get along...I missed my hospital bed and recliner terribly), we had breakfast at a diner and then went to my Holy Grail: a trip to a Dick Blick art supply store.  I'd always used their catalog order service for my art supplies but had never encountered an actual store of theirs.  It was wonderful and I could have VERY easily spent a small fortune.  As it was I overshot my cash and was bailed out by my daughter to the tune of $6.  My art supplies have dwindled terribly...having either been tossed due to drying out (as in paint) or given to my daughter with the belief that never again would I be able to use the stuff.  Most of it, it's true, I will not use.  But some brushes and the like I'd regretted getting rid of so.my daughter took mercy and gave me a few of my brushes back.  The Enbrel is beginning to give me  a little of my dexterity back and a bit more strength in my hands.  I can now almost make a fist and before that was impossible.

I will spare you the details of the rest of the trip ---except to say that I greatly enjoyed our visit with W's mom and dad.  My husband and W's dad really hit it off, having not only their professional area in common but both are musicians as well.   B entertained us on both the piano and on the drums...and even my husband, normally very reticent, took a turn playing the drums.

I especially loved the rose gardens in Allentown which were not yet in bloom, however there were flowering trees and the sky was crystal blue and perfect for taking pictures.   I took a LOT of photos. I love to photograph and was looking for inspiration from which to paint or draw.  There was plenty to shoot and for me that was some of the most fun of the trip...and the best part is that I get to keep those pictures and enjoy the trip over and over.  I'm eager to begin to do some artwork based on them...I printed some of them out today to use as resources.

There is no great "meaning" to this post other than that of gratitude. I am grateful for my family.  Grateful for a beautiful day in a beautiful town.  Grateful for the wonder of God's creation.  And especially for adequate health to be able to even consider such a trip.  I had some scary moments because of respiratory issues....but managed to get through them with many puffs of an inhaler.  Pain was an issue but that, at this point in my life, is a given, so it's almost not worth mentioning.

I am praying that in my husband's upcoming vacation weeks we may once more be able to take an overnight somewhere...even back to Allentown and see the roses in bloom.

Kickin' Down the Doors

Yesterday I drew the picture which now is at the top of the page here on my blog ...I used actual art supplies to do it, rather than working on the Cyber Tablet I have.  Nothing really beats a beautiful lead holder and getting your fingers shiny black from graphite.  The tablet has one major flaw...there is no tool that imitates your fingers getting in there to smoosh around.  With my fingers I can achieve a subtlety that no brush or blender can attain.  And when I'm working in cyber "paint" there are SO many times my fingers just ITCH to get in there an work the paint.  I guess I never really got out of kindergarten...I still like to fingerpaint too much.

My biggest obstacle right now...besides having hands that look like this :

is my paucity of ideas.  Whatever happened to the person who had so many projects and ideas filling her head that she would always have at least ten projects going simultaneously because the excitement and anticipation was so intense that she just couldn't wait for the current one to be finished before plunging into another?  I know it is a combination of this disease and of the medications which have effectively subdued, not only my crazier impulses....but every creative spark I possessed.  And they have smoothed out the mania/despair flux which was so conducive to creativity.  Yes, depression sucks.  But there is nothing like it for prompting poetry.  (at least that is true in the mild to middling stages of it.  Once you enter the "dead zone" there ain't NOTHIN' being produced.) 

What I wouldn't give to be twenty and cross-legged on the dorm bed in a room filled with other
art majors in a creative conjoining of ideas.  Where people shouted out idea after idea and others took the ideas and built on them and ran with them.  These sessions went late into the early morning hours fueled by caffeine and passion.  Or to be alone in said dorm room, cross-legged still on the floor, biting tongue between my teeth in concentration as I worked to get the project just so.

What I wouldn't give to toss my art bin and pads into the car and cross the Hudson River, climbing that  remote road where the nude model and the room full of career artists sat waiting for the first pose. 

I miss it.
Is it really gone forever?
Am I really resigned and consigned to creating with words? 

I don't even have hardly any supplies left.  Some I gave away.  Some my daughter absconded with...and some just vanished.  I know I should gather my tools together and take inventory.  I don't need to have all of the bells and whistles I once did, I don't think.  If I'm not creating to have shows and sell work....then that eliminates a lot of the materials and supplies one needs.  There are so many new advances in supplies...especially in the multimedia dept where scrapbooking, stamping and multimedia fine art converge.  I don't have the money to really  explore those frontiers....but there is nothing stopping me from making use of the small potatoes I do have.  I really should invest some effort into learning photoshop...and I really need to get the watercolor pro version of ArtRage to accompany my Cyber Tablet. 

But meanwhile....It is enough that I can grip a stick of graphite and make a picture that is identifiable...even if it is coarse and rough compared to my prior technique.   Renoir suffered with severe RA and he used to tie paint brushes to his gnarled hands and continued to paint until a very old age.  The whole water lily series was completed in such a manner.  The enormous size of it was necessitated by the coarse strokes he had to work with due to his lack of dexterity.  Where there is a will there must be a way.

I have a friend  who has suffered from RA for 45 years (she had it as a  young child)...and she has a saying on her signature online. "Never Quit.  When a new door closes, I simply kick down a wall."

I love that.

Are you Ready with an Answer to God's Question?

What is the most important question we will ever need to answer about ourselves?  The standard
"Sunday School Answer" is when God says to us after our death. "Why should I let you into my Heaven?"  All cliches aside...it IS a really important question...and it's one to which we need to have a hard and fast answer....Not a mealy mouthed, "Well, I've tried to be a good person"  Because, really???

• God hates lying tongues.  The Bible says that very clearly. (Prov. 6:16,17)  So, Ever told a lie??  ---Strike one.

• Jesus said anyone who angrily calls someone a "fool" is in danger of hell fire.  Oops.  I think I've called some people a lot worse than that even. (Mt 5:22)  ---Strike two

• Jesus said that anyone who looks at  a woman or man lustfully (ie: mentally undresses them) is guilty of adultery.  In the Bible, Adulterers were punished by being stoned to death.  --Strike three. (Mt. 5:28)

And if that wasn't bad enough, we've also broken every other commandment in the Bible as well.
And if THAT wasn't bad enough news, it would only take ONE deviation from perfection to cancel our ticket into Heaven.  Because God is perfect.   He cannot tolerate the presence of sin in HIS presence.  And as we've seen above, we are all, every one of us: flaming sinners.

So say, even after hearing all that, you were undeterred.  Because you are convinced you are really pretty special stuff and God really should let you into Heaven because you are so special.  So you approach the throne of God and present him with your "LIST"....the list of all the reasons why you are wonderful and have earned the right to enter heaven, converse with Angels, eat at the marriage feast of the Lamb, and be in God's ineffable presence forever and ever, never again to feel pain or sadness.

And say you take out your list and read it to God and you reach "Good Deed # 456,675,657,095 and God says to you, "Well, you know that is really impressive.  You've obviously tried very hard.  However, I'm going to have to deny your admission."
"WHY???" you cry in horror.

"Well, because to get into heaven you must have completed, 455,675,657,100 good deeds...you were shy by five."

The point is....What is good enough? Who defines good enough?? Who created Heaven and Earth? If you are claiming to be saved, then you know the answer to that question is "God"...And if God created the whole cosmos, then he also makes the rules ....He gets to do that by the fact of who He is and what he has done.  We do not have a right to protest or to call for a recount or to plea bargain.  It is what it is.  And God has made it very clear that ONLY a sinless, perfect person may have fellowship with God.

This is very bad news.
For all of us.

But the GOOD news is that God really didn't want to dwell in heaven all by himself.  He loves you ,  you see.  He created you  and knows every tiny detail about  you.  And he wanted to make a way for you to get to be with him and it had to be a way that still maintained the integrity of his Holiness and his Laws.  And there was only one way to do that.

Your sins.  They had to be covered, paid for, punished and dismissed.  And there is only one person or Being who is able to do that for you.  It couldn't be your mom....because she too was tainted by sin, as is every other person in the earth.  No,  the only way for man to be forgiven was for God himself to become a man, to live a perfect, sinless life and then to take the death and suffering that you and I deserve on himself personally.  So Jesus came. suffered. died...a horrific and painful death...went to hell for you and there defeated the power of death. God the Father, raised him from the grave and guess what?..! Your sins no longer present the uncrossable chasm that they did before.  That is: IF you will accept what Jesus did on  your behalf.  If you will admit that you are a sinner in the eyes of God and that you do not deserve a moment of Heaven.  If you understand that everything that had to be done to get  you to heaven was done by God himself, and not by you..  We cannot take credit for what God himself did on our behalf.
It is a gift.
So that not one of us has any room to boast. (Eph. 2:8,9)

When we present God with our list of accomplishments, we feel pretty good about ourselves don't we.  If our arms were long enough, we'd give ourselves a nice pat on the back.  And from that spot it's easy to compare ourselves to others....to our benefit and their shame.  And God hates these attitudes...Because you see we are ALL poor, naked, wretched and blind (Rev, 3:17) and it is only by the admission of that; only by our confession that we are powerless to impress God in any way....that we can see the beauty of what it is he has done for us.  That "while we were YET SINNERS, Christ died for us."  The Pharisees in the Bible were the religious elite of the day.They were the most holy people around.  They even tithed and gave God one tenth of their herb garden's produce.  But Jesus had VERY harsh words for them.  He called them snakes, and open graves.  Because they were so impressed with their own efforts, their own "goodness"; they were blinded to their sin...the attitudes in their hearts which were so despicable in God's eyes....  They compared themselves to man instead of to God.  WE are to be as holy as God...not merely better than the guy next to us. And this pride was a deadly flaw that blinded them to their need for God's grace.

So many of us do the same thing.  We think we have it covered. We think that God should be glad to open heaven's gates to us and we fail to notice the horrible stench of pride and unacknowledged sin that wafts around us.

No. There is only one way to heaven.  The way made by the blood of Jesus the Messiah.  The free gift of God to us which eliminates boasting.  The gift to the humble of heart who are cognizant of their sins and failings.  It is to these people that the kingdom of heaven belongs.

So wait! Where do good works come in?

They are on the cart following the horse.  They come out of a grateful heart full of love for the God who saved us and out of a desire to thank him for his wonderful unmerited favor.  Yes, they are necessary --but only as evidence of our sincerity and love. NOT as payment for our ticket to heaven.

Sunday's Facebook Status:

The thing to do, when one is unable to attend a group worship experience, is to learn to make every moment a prayer; every word, a blessing; every breath, a praise; every step a kneeling and when lying down to sleep, a prostration at the feet of Jesus.

A Day in the Life of.....

Well, it's another Sunday without church.  While I hate that intensely, I guess I do not hate it enough to suck it up and force myself to go through what I'd have to go through in order to go---only to, most likely, sleep through the service in the recliner they've put there for me, because I've worn myself out by just the effort of getting ready.  My shoulders have been agonizingly painful...getting dressed is almost impossible as is bathing....so to go through all that would require many painkillers and that would only make me more tired.  Also, my breathing has not been good for the past week or two...and that makes showering quite risky because the shower steam is a bad trigger for my asthma.  In the hot weather, it's not so bad because I can stand to take a cool shower....but today it is cold out and definitely a day for a nice  hot shower....If only that wouldn't kill me. lol...

So, by now, you are probably wondering if I ever bathe.  I do.  Probably not as frequently as I should -- but since I rarely go anywhere or see anyone, I don't see as it is worth what I go through in order to do so.  Today, I DO need to bite the bullet and take a shower...and I will ...but it will have to be well spaced out with lots of rests in between things.  My getting ready for something goes something like this:  Do a breathing treatment on my nebulizer.  Take stuff out that I"ll need...towel, bathrobe, clothes to change into.  REST.  prepare bathroom: put shower chair into the right place, get a washcloth and put soaps where I can reach them: REST.  Get undressed and put on robe.  REST.  Go and get into the shower...wash and dry off....put on robe.  LONG REST.  and finally: Get dressed and you guessed it: REST and do another breathing treatment.

Add to all of that the fact that mornings are brutal times for people with autoimmune rheumatic diseases such as RA and PsA and Lupus...with pain and terrible stiffness...well, it makes for not a pretty picture.  So if I ever have to leave the house before, say, 11:00 AM, it calls for some early rising and lots of advance planning and preparation, such as:  knowing in advance what I will wear and having my pain meds and water next to my bed so, as soon as I am conscious, I can take them so as to be able to go on with the rest of the personal care and dressing.


This video is by Rob Thomas and is about his wife who has Lupus and it accurately describes how I feel each morning. 

Yesterday my pastor called and we had a very nice talk.  I had been feeling quite neglected by my church...I know it is nothing intentional...but I guess it is a matter of "out of sight, out of mind."  I have still been going to my Wed night Bible study...which is easier because it is later in the day.  My church has recently started a Saturday evening service which may be a possibility for me to attend if I can find a ride to get there....However evening meetings are tough for me also, because I have a ridiculously early bedtime as my strength and endurance generally run out by 8:00 PM.  There have been many times at Bible Study when I have fallen asleep during the study and woken only in time to go home.

So the moral to the story?  If you want  me to do anything make it between the hours of 12:00 PM and 5:00 PM because outside of those parameters, I'm pretty much useless.  I was historically, a rabid morning person.  I would often rise by 4:00 or 5:00 and have my house clean and half of the day's activities done by the time most people were just thinking of getting up.   I had the horrible habit of calling people before 9:00 AM because to me, that was really like noon.  It was always hard for me to fathom that people were still comfortable in their beds at that hour.  I still do not stay in  bed for  long in the morning.  I'm usually so stiff and in so much pain in the morning that I must stagger from my bed to my recliner to change my body's position and attempt to get it  moving and that is usually before 7:00 AM and often much earlier.

So now you've seen my typical morning.  I pray that you have a blessed Lord's Day and I'd encourage you to maybe give someone a call who is unable to attend church.  They'd love  to hear from you!

Have you Fallen for The Lie??

There is a lie going around...Many many have fallen for it and embraced it and built their philosophy around it.  And all of hell laughs and applauds.
Because you see, it's there that the lie was crafted. It was formed with deceit and malevolent hatred and it was treasured because they knew it would be effective and would deceive the minds of many.  It would bring many thousands into the hot embrace of hell.
And they were right, those dark powers.
They were right about it being the key to the damnation of so many.

Here's a simple test to see if you've fallen for the lie.

1. When you do something wrong, that you know is wrong, do you do it and then look around quickly for lightening bolts to fall from heaven?
2.  When you pray...or try to...do you feel unworthy and like no one wants to hear from you anyway?
3.  Do you believe that God created hell for mankind?
4.  Do you believe God "throws men into hell" and that He gets pleasure from it? 
5. Do you believe God is just waiting for you to sin to give him a chance to catch you slipping up --so that he can put you in hell?
6. Are you afraid of God? (not "do you fear God." These are two different things)
7. Are you terrified at the thought of Judgment Day?
8. Have you chosen --rather than to believe in a God like this--to merely pretend like he doesn't exist....?
9.  Do you hate or resent the idea of God? 
10. Do you think God "Damns people to hell"? 

Scoring:

If you answered "yes" to even ONE of these questions, then to some degree or other; you have fallen for the lie.  Probably Satan's number one trick; his favorite deceit which he's used to damn millions.
That's right.
Satan has damned millions...or rather; he has tricked them into damning themselves.

So what is the lie?
The lie is that God cannot love you and yet be offended by or dislike your sin.
 If your child does something that displeases you, do you hate him/her? Do you want to send him or her into eternal torment? and yet, are you angry at your child's wrongdoing?
You see, God is no different.  He is our Father. He loves us.  He loves YOU.  And yet He HATES your sin.
God did not create hell for mankind;he created it as a place to punish and contain Evil (namely Satan and his minion demons)
God does not enjoy it when men put themselves there.
And yes; men choose to go to hell.  Because by rejecting the way to avoid it; they are by default choosing the consequence of their decision...in this case, an eternity in hell.

God created hell to punish Evil and to put an end to it's damage to his beautiful and perfect Creation.  He never intended for men to end up there , that's why He gave Adam and Eve the warning to NOT eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil...Because once you KNOW evil...you become evil.  It's like black sticky tar; you cannot touch it without getting it all over yourself. God warned them, not to be mean.  not to keep something good away from them....but to protect them from hell...and to keep them close to him as his perfect and dearly loved children.  Because you see, God is Holy and he cannot live amidst sin and corruption.  So by tasting evil; man was also separating himself from God.

God hated that.
So he set about to make a way to protect his beloved children from the hell they chose for themselves.  And that is why he sent Jesus to take the punishment that Justice  demanded for the sins of his children...upon himself.  Jesus went to hell and through hell---so that you wouldn't have to.

So please, don't offend God by blaming him for something that we as mankind did to ourselves.  Don't blame him for the evil that Satan commits and designs.  Rather, embrace him as the Father who loves  you and who paid the highest price for you to avoid the worst pain.

Romans 5: (NIV)

⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

2 Corinthians 5:21 (NLT)

²¹ For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. 

John 3:16 (NLT)

 ¹⁶ “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

Psalm 86:13 (NLT)

  ¹³ for your love for me is very great.
      You have rescued me from the depths of death. (or "the Pit" or "Sheol")

Acts 26:17B-18

 I am sending you (Paul) to them ¹⁸ to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’

Deuteronomy 32- 

(too long to quote here.) 

 

New Look

Yep, you're at the right place.  I was suddenly very bored with the last design...and I had it a for a long time...so I figured it was high time for a change.  I hope you like what I've done with the place.  Please let me know your thoughts.

Miss Understanding

Last night my daughter and her boyfriend were here....they spent the night because today they were going to  NYC to visit the Cloisters.  They just got back a short time ago, grabbed their stuff and were off out the door ...and it will be probably another long time til I see them again.

I got to thinking:
I thought of all the shirt tugging "Mommy - play with me!"s  that I was too busy to accommodate.

I thought a lot this week also about a friend...She was a very dear friend to me and had moved away...and one weekend she was going to be back.  I was to meet her at church.  Well, I did--but for some odd reason didn't make it there until church was half over.  And my friend wept.  And has never spoken to me since.  She did not respond to my letter asking her forgiveness.

I've had a problem in my life.  It is a failure to understand the impact my actions and words can have on people.  When I "blew my friend off' I honestly didn't mean any harm. I just didn't think it would matter.  And when I told that little girl to go and color while I did whatever I did back then that seemed to be so important ...it did matter.  It hurt her.  Just like I hurt my friend.

 I don't know if this is a Schizophrenic trait or if it  is just the mark of a careless person.  It is true that I do not feel things the same way as I think other people feel them.  And therefore it is hard for me to know when I'm stepping on toes or breaking their heart.  My heart feels things from a distance.  When we look at thing from a distance they are smaller.  They are less clear and seem to be less significant.  Obviously it doesn't mean they ARE insignificant --just that they look that way.  I think this accurately describes how I've approached most of the relationships in my life.

And it explains why I have pathetically few friends now.

One by one they disappear and I'm left scratching my head and wondering what the heck I've done now.
I have had a friend - the mother of a friend of my daughter's to whom I'd become close.  And then I got sick (psychotic) and when I "came to" (following my ECT experience) I had no memory of what had transpired in the time I was sick...but suddenly this friend wanted nothing to do with me.  And in that same psychosis, she was not the only friend I lost.  There were a whole group of them from my old church. The kind of friend you would drive an hour each way to see.  And I did.  But not now. They've made it clear that I"m not welcome anymore.  And I don't know why.

I'm not writing this as a sob-story, a "woe is me, I have no friends" type of thing. (and btw I DO have a couple of good friends whom I haven't chased away. Yet.)  I'm writing it to explore the way my emotions perceive events and people....In some cases I'm extremely sensitive.  But not in the good way you'd want.  It comes out as paranoia.  I pick up on a word or an inflection or catch a glance sent in my direction and I get all worked up about it...creating the reason behind those things. And the reason is never an auspicious one.  And on the other hand, I can crush a heart and not even know I"m doing it.

I think that Schizophrenics are sensitive.  Just sensitive to the wrong things.
We see meaning where there is none.
And either totally miss on some important things or else misconstrue them altogether.

It's not that I place no value on my friendships.  I value them greatly--well as much as I can value anything I suppose.  Because "value" is distant also, I think, as are most things pertaining to emotion.  I can't explain it anymore than to say that I have a chunk of value ...or love...or concern...etc.  And it is wrapped in layers and layers of cotton batting.   Doesn't mean it's not there. Just that it muffles everything coming in....and makes what's in there hard to perceive.

Where Am I From?

Last week Ann Voskamp tackled the question "Where are you from?"  and passed the challenging question on to her readers.  Here is my response.

I'm from noplaceinparticular--having moved from the edge of the Hudson River to the edges of Rocky Mountains to city New Jersey streets...from the "Apple Country" in New York to a Connecticut city....to now, the "heights" of the Pocono mountains.

I'm from the smell of hot chocolate-chip cookies, slamming screen doors, sitting in a lightening-split mulberry tree, waiting for the dinner-yell.

I'm from "stop-wiggling-and-bothering-your-brother-or-you're-gonna-be-sorry" church days.
I'm from a too short dress with gangly legs that won't wait for a new dress before growing like saplings from the old one.

I'm from studying hard to be the best and then reading every book in the library just for fun.  I'm from hitting the pavement hard with bloody knees because I walked home with a friend of another color and someone didn't like that.

I'm from pack up your stuff and sell most of it because we're moving...to be "trailer trash" on a mountain of millionaires.

I'm a shikza ...one of the handful of "Christians" in a Jewish-majority school.  A place where "if you aren't a Jew; then you're a Christian."  Somehow "Christians" had come to be synonymous with "goyim."

From my bagel-eating, going-to-Ivy-League-college crowd in High School,  I'm then a Protestant in a Catholic mass...a college of women where I carry my paint box and watch my mind leak from my ears like the paint escaping from a tube.

From loving to sing and hearing glass windows ring with sound waves to a silent morose captive of my own mind, institutionalized until I'm "safe"....

From buzzers and hard mats; meshed windows and rings of keys to visiting hours and passes home.  Years come and go from one hospital to another finding me thin and more and more mad.

To Connecticut shores. Artist.Photographer.Lunatic.

From group home.  Hating the moments that hang heavy from my lap, dragging my legs down and planting them deeper into the floor.  Watching smoke rise to the ceiling. No escape from the deafening sound surrounding me.  Helplessly watching my youth and my life tick-tocking away.  Fear following me like an alarm; like a skulking stranger, cap pulled low--pursuing me everywhere I go.

To wedding dress with lace sleeves and smiles hiding frowns. Words of blessing thinly covering curses.  To the arms of another I belong.

Daughter:  Baby.  Child.  Teen.  Sadness and trouble.  Joy and sunshine.
Paintings hung.  Wheelchairs rolled.  Gasping for air. Hospital stiff sheets. Lonely long nights and days.

Death it was who stalked me.  He came close; I felt his breath hot on my cheek.  Can't run; Can't hide.
Once again sanity took leave.  And those buzzers, mats and rings of keys hadn't changed in 25 years.  Only this body was older and hurting certain.

joints stiffening. Pain, my lover. Days of relinquishment; Nights of keystrokes and conversations warm with strangers-yet-friends.  recliner #5 - to bed I must go.

Lenten Musings

I just had a conversation with a good friend, via computer chat, about Lent and Easter.  My friend is Catholic--and a strong believer of the Lord Jesus and one of his beloved children.  It is forever fascinating to me to hear of her church's traditions and I think she too likes to hear of my points of view as well.  Tonight we were talking about Lent.  I've been feeling (belatedly) called to fast and to follow the Lenten traditions despite the fact that this is not something traditionally pursued by my church or by any church that I've ever attended.  However I've been reading, for two years now, Ann Voskamp's Lenten musings on her blog (www.aholyexperience.com) and have (at her suggestion) read some of Noelle Piper's Lenten devotions (http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/articles/lenten-lights)...In fact, when I went to find the link to Noel's book, I found the other Lenten resources used by Ann Voskamp and I just ordered for my kindle a book by Walter Wangrin on the passion of Christ as well as a book of Lenten readings.  Unfortunately, the one book I most wanted of Ann's collection of recommendations, was not available on Kindle....so that one went by the wayside.

Nonetheless...I've been feeling a burning (a kind of a slow aching burn) desire to have "MORE of God"....I've been feeling the same sense of discontent with my sketchy times with God....and a desire to be enveloped in the passion I once had....When did I have this passion? It was following the initial season of my discontent; my sense that there MUST BE MORE than what I'd been experiencing of God.  I desired to desire him.  I wanted to pursue and find him.  And I wanted it more than I wanted food. ]

Say what??
Yep.

I went for fifteen days eating only a light supper to avoid hassles with my husband which definitely would have arisen had he known of my prolonged fast.  so I ate the bare minimum i could get away with and nothing else all day or night for 15 nights.  More importantly; I feasted on God.   At the time I read a very basic elementary book...The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren, a book that had- at that time- been recently published and it was prior to the gossip and nastiness that came Warren's way later on.  At the time there was no smear on his reputation.  And because this was the first serious attempt I made to rejoin the Lord's purpose for my life; because I'd just spent 15 years off doing my own thing and living like a  complete pagan. it made sense to read a basic Christianity 101 book....because that's where I was at.  And that, combined with my own Bible study (notably in Hebrews 12) and God's opening my eyes to some truths of Scripture as they applied to my own life.....were what formed the structure of my time pursuing God.  Back then I was homebound in my wheelchair.  I had little else to do besides read and pray....so there was little to interrupt me.

And God came through.  Every day of the fifteen days, he outdid himself....each day blowing me more and more completely away with the truths he was opening to my understanding.  Finally on the 15th day, I felt that it was complete...That God had accomplished in me that which he'd set out to do.  And for the next...I don't know...maybe 6 or 7 years, I would rise at 4:00AM and be so EAGER to dive into my Lord's depths.  I couldn't wait to be with him and to learn and study and read.  And I grew spiritually.  And my prayer life exploded.

UNTIL; my brain melted down.  And as I mentioned a couple of days ago, the enemy succeeded then in turning my heart cold once more to the words of God....No longer did I run to his lap.  No more do I spend whole nights praying.   And this has lasted to this day...I limp along.   I stumble to walk at his side.  And I'm not cutting it.  And I'm not desiring him the way I once did.


But you know? I desire to desire him.  I long to long for him.  It would please me to please him.  So therefore I've thought "what better season to renew my passion, but the holiday of Christ's passion?"  And how better to die to myself than to do the Lenten fasts and to learn of the death of Christ and apply it to my own life?   How better to be forgiven of the junk in my life but to be sprinkled with the blood from the passover lamb??  And after the season of death will come that glorious morning.  the morning of freedom.   of New Life.  Of Resurrection.

And it was this that my friend and I talked about.  We talked about "the good old days" when sunrise services were actually at sunrise.  We talked about the Evangelical's propensity to aim the Easter message at the hearts of the Chreasters (those who only attend church on Christmas and Easter) with a barbed logical bid for salvation....Which is fine. and important.   But (cough) what about Easter?  Why must that get swept under the carpet...? and what of the believers who attend, hearts aching and needing a resurrection day...needing a shot of new LIFE.....Needing to bury some things and to reincarnate others.  All of that falls by the wayside.  At least it does in my church.  And I miss it. I need it.  Sorely.

So my friend and I came up with an ingenious plan. We would have OUR OWN sunrise service.  At sunrise.  Me on my porch in PA and her in her yard in TX.   We would make a YouTube playlist and would bring our laptops outside and worship together simultaneously playing the Resurrection Playlist. I would make a list of Sciptures and meditations that I would email her...and we would read together.  Pray together.  Worship and rejoice in the newness of the life He gives us.

But to make that morning really meaningful...I must clamber first through the stinking waters of self denial and I'm sure; failure.  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/03/when-your-lent-sort-of-stinks/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HolyExperience+%28Holy+Experience%29
There is so much here.  So much to think on.  So much to learn.
But my one desire is to once more desire him.
More than I desire bread
More than i desire drink.
More than I desire.....good things.  Physical things.  Carnal things.  Satisfaction. Repletion.  More than I desire all that.

I want to be like the Children of Israel were in the wilderness;  lightweight...not bowed down by possessions or connections.  Having really nothing but God and my  love for God:  Nothing to keep me from pulling up tent pegs and saying to the Lord, "Where to now?" as the column of fire and smoke began to stir.... I want to be READY. Willing.  and so tuned into his heart  that I 'm able to accurately read the moment and know when it is that I 'm to move.  Nothing in the way of my motion.

Invisible.wmv

My Plans---His Plans

This year I got all excited...Excited about my garden.  I looked at pictures of gardens past and felt the sadness of loss once more as I considered the last couple of years, when my gardens were left largely to do their own thing and fell largely under the attack of deer-chew and weed-throttle.  I had a few planters of herbs I'd bought already started because during the planting time, I was sidelined and rehabbed after hip replacement surgery and could not plant.  But this did not buy me the satisfaction of starting the plants from seed and watching them flourish.

So this year I bought several items....perhaps not the wisest.  I bought a kneeling bench so that I can get down and weed the garden beds.  I bought several rolls of seeds for the shade and one for butterfly attraction.  But that  means that I will need to buy seeds and soil for the herbs and veggies I want to grow.  It means I will have to combat varmints like slugs and deer and bears...It means that every morning I must come out and water those plants....and cut and harvest and dehydrate them.  It's a lot of work for someone whose arms are not in the game with her....and whose back will scream with every lean.

It must be asked whether the joy of the plant and the fruit of the harvest are worth such expense in  money, sweat, and pain. I would say that it is worth it.  I would say that as long as it is possible; I will do it. But I do hope that I have the sense and the ability to recognize the time when it is no longer possible before I invest in supplies and strength and commit myself to the year.  I do know that right now, chances are very good that my hands will be unable to weed; unable to dig.....Will sheer determination do it for me?  I can  be pretty stubborn and pretty dogged in my efforts when it is for a purpose close to my heart.

True; this is a plan of mine and it may not be one that God shares a great concern over.  I know that he probably enjoys my enjoyment of it and I think that he loves it when we enjoy his creation,...However, it may also be true that he has his own plans other than those of which I know....maybe for me to meet someone in a doctor's office or hospital with whom to share his love.  Some work in another vein for his kingdom....or maybe, just for me to be laid up recuperating and learning, like Mary, at his feet.

I think there is little sense in trying to per-suppose what the Almighty has in store for me this summer.  I simply will talk to him and request one more year's garden to enjoy...and if his answer is a "no" then so be it....Help me O God just to see where you want me and what you want me to be doing and to do thus with my whole heart. God keep my fingers loose and my hands open that you may remove from my grip anything I hold too tightly and claim as my "right" to do or to enjoy.  And may all I do; all I undertake, be Solo Deo Gloria....

Dara Maclean - Free

Hurting heart and broken wings
Cannot stop Your love from always finding me
No more days wasting away
I finally realize the gift inside of me
My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more
You made me
You made me free

I was caged in then You opened
Every door that held me bound and You gave me the key
No more pressure I can just breathe
The girl I tried so hard to be, has always been me
My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

Now I'm free to love, free to live
Free to take my life and give it all to You

Would you Help me?

I've entered a poetry contest--and I am requesting that you who visit my blog would consider going to this link (at the end of this post)  to read my poem and to click "like" if you do like it....This would increase my chances of winning a badly needed $1000 prize.  Thanks so much!

https://www.facebook.com/WorldPoetryMovement?sk=app_130827587002363&app_data=3996352

NOTICE: I HAD PUT UP THE WRONG LINK...THE ABOVE IS CORRECT NOW!!!!
And it's not just a like button...You are asked to rate the poem between one and five stars...
Thanks for your help and please forgive the confusion.

Standin' in Need of Prayer

Yesterday while I was waiting for my chicken soup to cook (I had a long wait)...I perused my shelf of books in the living room.  I organize my books topically and the shelves I was looking at were on the topic of prayer.  A book caught my eye --it's called "The Kneeling Christian" and it's written by "an unknown Christian"...It's a book that was written most likely in the 1930's (at least that's when  it was in print in England, where it was circulated) and ultimately Zondervan bought the rights to it, and in the 1940's it came to America.  It was printed again in 1971 and again in 1986...and that was the lot from which my book came.  I'd read it before and remembered being moved by it--and in the end: moved toward a much greater prayerfulness.... There was a period of my life between 2005 and 2007 or 2008, when I was heavily involved in a very passionate season of prayer.  And it was books like this as well as the work of the Holy Spirit in me that called me to that ministry.

Then, I kind of "lost it" and became very psychotic between 2007-2009....And the enemy really used that time of sickness to draw me away from what, I'm sure, was the real reason he attacked me in the first place..: my intensity in prayer.  He had many bitter defeats during that period...and he fought back by attacking my family-especially my daughter --and then turned his ire on me.  And because I was too sick to really see what was going on...that my mental illness which had been very much under control for so many years was suddenly grossly virulent and active...I was unable to fight and did NOT employ my greatest weapon on my own behalf.  I did not pray for myself...for my protection...that God would guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus...I did not pray that the enemy be forbidden to influence my mind.  And maybe this was a "Job-test"--and if it was, I can pretty much guarantee that I bombed out of it.

My heart grew cold.  My temper was terrible.  My language followed suit.   I had no patience for anything.  And worst of all: my passion and love for Christ waned.  And once I had regained control over my mind (relatively speaking)...I recalled the power and passion I once had...and I missed it bitterly.  Suddenly I felt unable to pray.  Unable to concentrate. Unmoved to pray.  And with several notable exceptions--where the Spirit moved in me to pray  for someone--I have really struggled to get out more than a few sentences in prayer.   I know that God still hears my (shorter) prayers and he doesn't mind or laugh as my brain stammers them out...I know he answers these awkward prayers also. But they do not give me the satisfaction they once did.  They do not "rock my world" as they once did when God responded in glorious and supernatural ways.

-So  I picked up the book thinking maybe it might jump-start me back to the place of prayerfulness I once occupied....and it has definitely gotten me thinking.  For one thing: I'm in a really bad spot right now. I am in desperate need of two shoulder replacements (each arm will be a brutally painful surgery followed by 12 weeks of recovery...the first 6 of which I will be unable to move my shoulder), an elbow surgery, and now, I'm pretty sure: spinal surgery....because every time I stand up, my legs go numb. And if all of that were not bad enough:  I really wanted to garden this year.  I bought some stuff so that I could maybe manage it.   But when I ordered that stuff, it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't be able to do it....that my arms are too far gone for the work of it.  I desperately wish I could have the surgeries in the fall and winter of this year..but it doesn't look too likely that I can wait that long...

So this afternoon I DID pray about my own needs. (oddly, this is something I rarely do--beyond asking him to help me when I'm in pain or danger or upset.)  And I thought today, "how dumb is it that I have not prayed about this whole situation?"   I've been unable to get medical clearance for the surgery....physical problems have been too prevalent.  There is HUGE risk with me for these surgeries...with asthma, infection likelihood and post op confusion being a constant issue.  I will need lots of help afterward and just do not have the support or help necessary to get this done.  I don't know what the answer is: but God does.  I don't know when to schedule the surgery : but God does. I don't know who will help me or how ..but--you guessed it--God does. So why not go to Him with these questions ? He's the only one with real answers.