A God who Runs to Embrace me

I've been thinking a lot about grace lately.  My thought process began in a fetid pile of shame.  Shame and the  acknowledgement of my unworthiness of Heaven or even of any relationship with a Holy God.   I have, over the years, as my health has disintegrated...looked forward to Heaven with my whole being.   But lately....there has been tinges of doubt spoiling my anticipation.  I've experienced some failure in overcoming some persistent sin and questions have come to my mind as to my readiness to stand before the throne of God..What if I'm one of the ones Paul describes in 1 Corinthians who arrive in Heaven with only the skin on their backs??  What if I am completely missing the boat and leaving something crucial undone ...what if I've not fulfilled God's calling in my life? What if poor decisions I've made have completely derailed that which I was supposed to do in my time on this earth....Or more essential and infinitely more disturbing is the question, "what if my character is NOT what God demands and desires of me?"  What if I'm completely degenerate and unsanctified?

Well,...I know all "about " grace....But to know about grace and to encounter GRACE are two completely different things.  And so is to comprehend that I am a measly woman who is completely incapable of derailing God's plans and purposes in my life or on earth; and so also to grasp that God is a refuge full of goodness and will not reject anyone who throws themselves upon his mercies.  In just the past two or three days, I've encountered the personifications of the grace of God through His People. I've studied Psalm 34 and the Scriptures listed here yesterday.  Some of you have commented here on my blog trying to get me to see the expansiveness of God's love and mercy.   Some people over at SparkPeople.com (as I described in yesterday's blog)  have lovingly set about to adjust my God-glasses.   And finally, my beloved cyber friend whom I've yet to met "in real life" sent me four links on YouTube of Francis Chan preaching on the subject of.....GRACE.  I haven't finished watching them all...but I've seen enough to know that I've really just had it all wrong.

Yes.
I am absolutely immersed in sin...it is part and parcel of my being....programmed right into my DNA...I have repeatedly failed...broken resolutions and promises to God....failed and failed again in defeating certain sins.  I am grossly unworthy of crossing the gate of Heaven;  grossly unworthy to hear God's voice or to be heard by Him; resistant to God's plans  and often insisting on my own; being tripped up time and time again by my own inadequacy, stubbornness or downright stupidity when it comes to carrying out God's will in my life. And in NO WAY do I deserve never ending life in the presence of God and Jesus....I am a corrupt vessel for the Holy Spirit to indwell....But....

Did you get that???
BUT---
when God looks at me---He doesn't see this flawed Cynthia.  He sees me as I shall be...as I already AM because it is as good as done.... God dwells outside of Time where the Future telescopes the Present and Past.   God looks at me and sees His SON...His beloved Son.  and I am the Bride of His Son.  being made perfect by my adoption of the name of my beloved....as I take on the Name of Christ, I take on also, the character of Christ.  And not any of my blunderings can change that.  God has saved me from a certain and eternal and miserable death by His own payment in His own blood for the punishment I deserved.

And things are going as planned...as foreseen ...as KNOWN by my loving God. He is not thrown by my psychoses.  He is not nonplussed when I get lost in Paranoia.  He is not taken aback when I am confused.  

He does not reject me when I lose my temper or swear or despair.
He merely loves me.
And loves His Son in me who makes it possible for me to be inhabited by His Spirit.

He knows me.  Inside and out.  Every sin, fault, strength, hope, fear.......He knows it all. NONE of it surprises HIm.  And NONE of it catches Him unprepared.  He's more than ready to deal with whatever I shall fling.

And that just blew me away today.,  The law is for my freedom...it is to grant me permission to act in accordance with God's commands...It removes indecision...It protects me from the heavy burden of wrong choices.  (these ideas come from the writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer whom I've been reading in my devotions) . The law is to show me how utterly powerless I am to keep  it.  (and I would say that I'm successfully grasping that. )  It is to show me the level and standards within which God dwells and operates.  It is to show me a much  more beautiful world.....one that operates in harmony with its Designer.

The law condemns ...yes...the penalty is death for breaking it....
But thanks be to the Lord Jesus, he has freed me from this body condemned to death.
And FAther God, tucks in his robes and sees me coming in the distance and RUNS to meet me.  Embrace me.  Put his ring on my finger.  NO finger wagging.  NO cold disapproval.  NO condemnation ....

And that  is GRACE.
Isn't it beautiful???

Finishing what I've Started

I know that I will not have time to get this all down before I need to make dinner for my husband and myself, but maybe I can get the skeleton down so that I will be able to flesh it out later.
Early this morning (yeah, 3:00 AM....who sleeps???) I wrote a blog for SparkPeople on  my page there and it was a whole rather confused wandering about how to live mindfully in the moment; eager and ready for Heaven...but content to live out the days the Lord allots to me.  It didn't come to any great sensible conclusion....but later today a friend left a comment there....and her comment was the end to which my blog should have come.  Here is her comment:

Several things came to mind as I read your blog...
.....
...Anyway - your journey of thought on your journey of life... brought these Scriptures to my mind... You've probably already been encouraged by these, but for my sake, I'll list them...

II Corinthians 12:7-10
"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Philippians 1:20-24
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

Philippians 4:12-13
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Father, give Your strength to my sister in Christ today. May she find Your grace be sufficient today. May Your plan and purpose for her today be accomplished. May those who are watching her life and journey be encouraged and see Your hand so evident in her life.
In Jesus' name,
Amen

These Scriptures are amongst my favorite Scriptures --kind of all are "life-verses" for me. but something new hit me as I read the second one : Phil 1:20-24 ...There's the idea of shame. This is the second time today I've read in Scripture about being ashamed before God...The other is located in Psalm 34:5
"Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."...and the final verse in the chapter is "...no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned."

You know, lately, every time I think of Heaven, I feel so unworthy--and I wonder how He will assess me....Maybe I will have good reason for shame.  But the chapter in Psalm 34 really helped to quell that fear.  God does not reject those who appeal to him for help or security.  If we trust in HIM; then we need never be ashamed or to fear shame.  What a reassuring thought!  His grace is plenty big for me to hide in.  There will be no need for blushing, either before Him or before mankind.  There is no fear in the love of God.  There is fear of God...a healthy dose of respect....but he will never arbitrarily decide to punish, leave, or condemn us if we decide to hide ourselves in him and seek shelter in his mercy.

Then comes the next idea is this passage... "but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."   ...What does it take to live in such a way that our bodies exalt the name of Christ? 
Courage.
Amen.  Isn't that the truth! Do I have the courage it takes?  To endure pain and sickness, loneliness and feelings of uselessness?  To face the questions I have about what the heck this is all for and what on earth is God's purpose for me here; now?  To keep plugging along --day to day...long sleepless nights ....pained empty days.   Yes,  That all takes courage.  When we think of courage we think of things like Dietrich Bonhoeffer facing down the Nazis or Corrie Ten Boom in the concentration camp; etc etc......But my life takes courage too.  A quiet daily courage that keeps me from doing something desperate---or stupid.  Courage to put others first and my needs last.  Courage to keep coming to God--even after bitter failure.

Do I have the courage my future will necessitate?  Courage for tomorrow is grown in the Petri dish of  today.

And lastly: the point? To exalt God in my body.  To endure pain, tiredness, loneliness, isolation...or maybe in your cases: through your busyness, your schedules and careers and families.  That's what it's all about ...That and making honorable, righteous choices and to flee things that would NOT be God-honoring, not be Christ-exalting.

Oh Father, keep me in the center of your will.  Help me to have the courage to play the role in the life you've placed me; to honor you in my suffering; to make godly choices.  Lord, I run to you when I've blown it...I bury my sin in the depths of your grace; YOU oh God are my city of refuge where I might be safe from the "justice" I deserve.  Lord, may I not be like Adam and Eve who hid their sin from you...who hid themselves from you out of shame.  God you are the only remedy for the malady of my soul...may I always run toward you and never away.  Keep me from shame - either before men or before you at the judgement ...Bury and cover my sin i n Calvary's soil....Thank you Jesus for your mercy and for your grace.  May I, at the end, say with Paul, "I have run the race; fought the good fight" and be ready to enter your kingdom.  Keep me faithful...Amen.

A Hop, Skip and a Stagger

It has been a long three months (that's  a guess-timate)---since my thoughts have decided to bipass my brain's command center and instead to simply run amuck.  People are beginning to notice that something just "ain't right" with the upstairs level of my being.  (People can be terribly dense can't they??)...I'm regularly getting questioned now as to my mental status.  ("So Cyn....ahhh, how are "things"?")  Subtle ...Like that.  Well, not everyone  is subtle.  My doctor for example has been trying to talk me into paying a visit to the local psych ward for a "tune-up" since the beginning of this mess.    My husband, he just keeps a suspicious eye on me and interrogating me as to whether I really  took my meds.  And yeah.   I have been taking them;...every last pill. (well, not all at once:  AS PRESCRIBED)  And that is the kicker that just strikes me as SO unfair.  I hate my meds.  H-A-T-E them.  Hate the idea of them.  Hate the reality of them.  Hate every little last thing about them.  None the less...because I am not fond of the idea of sleeping on a street bench or being thrown to the dogs in a state Psych institution....I am TAKING THE D*** meds.   And here lies the laughable irony:   They are not working.

It's true that some of the delusional thinking has eased up since my Dr G added another 25 mg of Loxitane and Remeron to "boost" the benefit of the others.   However, we had to be rid of Trileptal (a mood stabilizer to address the fluctuations in my mood due to the "bipolar" aspect of my diagnosis.) This was because the "Vitamin T" was messing with  my kidneys and my blood sodium levels were critically,, life-threateningly  low.  So now I'm taking Lamictal.  And It Just Ain't Cuttin It.  And so consequently, I've been really struggling with despair at times.  But more frequently there is that twisted taut wire feeling in my brain and gut.....which makes me feel like a top that has been too tightly wound and is ready to break loose and fly all over the place.

I was really suffering this past weekend.  I swear, if I had access to a car., I would have taken off for NYC and raised some hell down there.  (yeah me.  49 year old, Christian, disabled woman.    Raising hell. And I would have too.   You'd probably have read about it in the newspaper while you ate your Cheerios the next morning.)  That's how messed up I've been feeling.  I tried to talk about it and how I"ve been feeling on my SZ forum,...and only ended up getting the thread locked.  Pretty bad when you say stuff too crazy for a schizophrenia forum.

So instead of taking a bottle of morphine or instead of ax murdering the UPS man....I called my friend and told her of my NEED to go out for coffee.  So we did.  And then I spent another $100 on groceries (just picked up a "few" things) and came home. yeah.  Real hell raiser.  To be honest, I was reining myself in pretty tightly....because I didn't want to scare  my friend ---or to get arrested.

THAT was the only time I've been out since another grocery run done Valentine's night.  (yeah: who do YOU love??? Me?---The checkout man at Price Chopper.)  The reason I've been hiding this big beautiful booty from the world is just that.   I"m huge.  I gained 15 pounds in the two weeks I was in the hospital!     And because steroids have this lovely habit of taking all the fat from your body...and depositing it in your face and stomach.....I look grotesque and comical (in a "Nightmare on Elm Street kind of way)....This is the worst it's been.  In all my years of steroid use and treatments...I've never looked this bad.   And I've never been so mortified by my looks...in like....Ever.  So I just may stay here in this house until I rot.

I have Bible Study pending today.   I would like to go....if I could leave my body at home, I'd be there in a flash.   I've perfected "out - of -mind" travel.  But am still working on the "out - of -body" type..
(I made myself snort on that one.)

It's obvious that this post is really  not going anywhere positive.  It is positively not going ANYWHERE as a matter of fact.     But just because I need to say SOMETHING (to affirm my existence you know) and to assure you that I'm not dead or locked up.....yet, I will likely post it.  I hate to disappoint people.   I hate to not have it together.  I hate not being the poster child for schizophrenic recovery (for this month anyway).....but there it is.   And here I am.  Trying like heck not to think about my stashes of razor blades and X-acto knives.

Things are whirling and spinning out of control.  I've spent every  cent I had this month...on totally CRAZY and useless things.  Just because.   I dont' know why.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time.....Of course, now there's nothing to eat and no money to buy more.....but hey.  At least I only have to wait another 9 days until I get next month's check.  Thank God it's February and a short month.

How long can one tread this type of tight rope before falling...or jumping.???  If I thought the hospital would make me feel better, I might even consider that.   But like  No.  It usually doesn't.....

Nut and Bolts of Personhood

I've been in an odd place internally these days...Struggling with psych symptoms and some lack of stability there...and dealing too, with a body that is betraying me at every turn....hurting, weak, not breathing well, swollen...And that stuff, as uncomfortable as it is...is still merely scratching the surface of what is really going on.

Over the past....hmmm, maybe even six months, ....something VERY uncomfortable has been taking place.  It is the opening of eyes; the relinquishment of self-righteousness and self-justification.  It is the releasing of all of the lies I've told myself for ...maybe forever.  The place I'm  at right now is not a pretty one.  My idealizations of myself are being knocked off their pins.  I'm seeing how  really really messed up I am.  I think back on myself merely 4 or 5 years ago...and back then,  I really thought I was OK.  I thought my relationship with God was good and strong and where it needed to be.  I thought I was a decent wife and mom....and that I was an asset to my employer.

And quite rapidly, all of that unraveled back then.  I left my husband; I lost my sanity; I lost my job;  And to hear my husband talk about me back then---I was NOT a nice person to be around, by any stretch of fantasy.  NOW, I see myself.  Hangups.  Entrenched sin... barely sane...With a body I like to think I can command and whip back into shape...but knowing that that sense of control is illusory also.  Fact is? NOTHING is where it should be.
I'm so far from being ready for heaven that the thought of death right now inspires panic rather than the eagerness that had been habitual for me.  I am sin sick.  Mentally sick.  Physically broken.  HUNG UP in terms of character; severely compromised in terms of my relationships and my "right standing " in them.

And most of all.  THE LORD.
He sits over the mess that is my life....and I can kind of see him raise an eyebrow and a shoulder in a gentle shrug that says., "Ahem....What might you be going to do about this mess?"  And He's completely right.  It's a septic swamp.    It cannot be left uncleaned.  It must  be dealt with  and quickly. Time is running out.  My body  is ticking down toward certain destruction.  I do NOT want to show up at heaven's gates with this mess oozing down in to my socks, expecting a grand welcome.

Self analysis is difficult....for anyone. Because more than anything what are we? What do we do?  WE LIE TO OURSELVES....and we believe those lies.  And when someone has  a skewed reality grip as I do....then to uncover those lies and to get down to the truth....well, it takes some doing.  Some real work and some real honesty.  And face it: some REAL humility is going to be necessary.  I don't know if it can be done alone...or rather; just between God and myself.  TheWord is supposed to wash and heal us.   Maybe the most important thing I need to do is to bury my face and heart in The Book....and let God deal with me there.   I just know that I cannot go on the way that I am.  There is too much at stake.  Too much to be lost---permanently.

Be Still- Selah (with lyrics)

When Staying is the Hardest Thing

This following post was written by a good friend and fellow sufferer of mental illness, Larry Drain.  You may recall that I'd featured another post of his in my blog here.  The one that I want to share with you today appeared in his blog called "Hopeworks Community" yesterday.   Larry has once again graciously given me permission to reprint his thoughts here for the enjoyment of my readers as well.  His words speak eloquently for themselves from the heart of one who loves and lives with another sufferer in the midst of his own pain.  My marriage too, is comprised of this odd sharing/viewing combination of pain where both partners suffer our own unique forms of pain and yet also care about and suffer through the viewing of and living with the pain of our partner.   Any marriage or partnership where mental illness plays a part, contains a great element of challenge.  But when both parties bear the weight of burden, it can at times be intolerably difficult.  And I say that this is true of any kind of pain; any kind of suffering.  ...as I personally can attest to, suffering both physical and mental illness.

Here without further comment is Larry 's article:

stay
by hopeworkscommunity
 
Sometimes to stay is the hardest thing.
When misery and pain seem inevitable rather it be to you or someone you love perhaps the hardest thing is to stay in the moment.  I know.
Life feels so out of control and doing anything that gives you a sense of control seems so worthwhile.  Maybe it is to wrap yourself in a sense of rage.  Perhaps it is an endless examination of “what if’s.”  Sometimes it is a search for a distraction that actually distracts.
Sometimes there seems no way to fight and no way to flee so you simply freeze.  You know the car is about to hit you, but you hope that moment of first sight lasts forever and you try to become so numb, so still, so little that it does.  But it never works.
Sometimes all you can do it stay.  Pain is inevitable and you will hurt.  But I try to hold onto the fact that because life is out of my control that it doesnt (sicc) mean it is out of control.  The important things are still important.  The principles that guide and structure what I do, what I say, what I am still remain.

While pain may be inevitable it is not unending even when that seems to be the truest thing about it. In finding the space where it is not perhaps I can find the strength to live where it is.

I do not know why some people hurt and I especially do not know why some people hurt a lot.  I comfort myself by telling myself that is a good thing not to know.  I am not strong enough, wise enough, or brave enough to cope with such knowledge.
In the end all I really know is that people hurt.  When you can do something about it to refuse leaves you scarred or defeated even when you dont see it or know it.  Turning your head leaves you eventually unable to see regardless of where you look.  When you see it all you can do is try to hold and hug and tell them it is not forever.  Sometimes all you can do it hurt that they hurt.
Sometimes I really hate having to stay.  But then I know there is no place better to be.  And I know when it ends I will be glad I stayed.  I tell myself what matters the most is not the kind of trouble a person has, but the kind of person who has the trouble.
Love matters.  Of this I am absolutely sure.  In the end I stay not because I am especially brave or especially wise or especially anything.  I stay because love matters.  I wish the pain would go and get lost and never come back.  I pray it ever so hard.  But even in the prayer I know it untrue.  Pain has its season.  But my refuge is clear and compelling to me.  Love is of all seasons and in it I find true hope that better times are coming.

 
*(emphases are my own)

Thank you Larry, once more for causing me to think and to feel once more the crux of what it is we battle and  why we are so desperately important to each other.  Because if we do not have the others in our lives who are invested in our suffering and in our survival...then what do we have? And it is in the acceptance of that burden that we commit in return to be there for the one we love who also hurts.

Here is the link to Larry's blog where you may read other thoughts of his. Hopeworks Community

A Hierarchy of Systems

I'm still in the hospital for asthma....coughing not constant now but still frequent paroxysms of convulsive attempts to clear "gunk" from my airways....Airways that are irritated and swollen in their own right and further obstructed by the ropey secretions that fill them....And I promise that's as  graphic as I'll allow this post to get , so don't get prematurely skeeved.

My husband came in to see me this morning, this being his first morning back to work in the four days of my confinement in this medical center where he works.....He doesn't come in to visit of days when he is not working.  Some people don't understand his reasons for that but I think that I do....and they are multifaceted ones.. I DO and DID get annoyed by his refusal to drive me to the doctor or to the hospital once it became apparent that this was  where I needed to be.  I cannot simply call an ambulance because for respiratory issues they would be bound by their rules to take me to the nearest hospital which is not the hospital where I need to go (due to my husband's being an employee here and thus our insurance restrictions keeping us here)....so the phone call went to my dependable dad....for whom is is a much longer trip than it would have otherwise been...but it is what it is...No sense beating a dead horse.

My  husband seemed reassured as he spoke with me this morning that I was not suffering any further mental decompensation as a result of the steroid course....In fact the Rule of the Most Pressing Issues (for lack of a better title) has seemed to be enacted...There should be a law name for this effect; such as would be covered by the laws of entropy.  And this law would state that, in most occurrences of multiple or multifaceted avenues or variables of suffering....the most acute; the one most directly effecting the survival of the human sufferer will be the one to take predominance; holding the lesser factors at bay until there has been a sufficient significant amount of energy reserve compiled to deal with an exacerbation of that factor as well.
 
In other words.  I was losing some mental wherewithall....some ability to cope mentally had been diminishing...and this seemed dangerous and annoying-- UNTIL there entered a serious infection which I fully believe was for the period of a day or two, life threatening.  ALL My RESOURCES at that point rallied to attend to this greater threat.  And from there emerged an attack on my respiratory system and all my energy and focus, now that the infection is clearing...has been on keeping my airways free enough for them to continue to maintain the strength to continually struggle to breathe and to free my lungs via coughing fits....

And the slew of steroids which is filling my boly....? Well, eventually they could hit my mind.  Or they can wreak their havoc in the form of muscle destruction as they have done in the past....And then I will be mentally healthy and engaged in an all out war with my muscles and the entropy that would then seek to destroy them.

And at the very end of the war?  When the body is once more beaten into subjection by my mind?  Is the mind then drained of all energy reserves and plummetting toward certain collapse as my doctor now suggests is her belief?  Or am I carried on a victor's high.?  Do I then engage in regaining my health and relosing the weight like I did two years ago...following such a debacle of health issues.  I went on to be the healthiest and happiest person I could be --despite crippling pain and joint dysfunction. 

So what does this mean in terms of strength flow?  IN terms of importance to survival.  I think it means this:  the strongest parts of my Being....my spirit and my  mind...are always the factors to step aside and to lend their support when the weaker, although more overtly "necessary" functions of my body are threatened.  When ever there is no organic cause for psychosis such as was in existence due to the encephalitis I had several years ago...my clarity of mind will somehow pull through...somehow find the necessary resources to rally and lend support to my weaker, struggling body.  So really which is the important part here?  The weaker --but more critical "flesh:" or the resilient courteous mind who puts aside it's own crap and its own suffering to lend support to the struggling hurting body by which is it is encased and housed.

I recognize that this has been a little philosophical and erudite...but such questions really interest me...and as my psychiatrist has found for herself, in theories such as these can be found overall operating systems which may be tweaked and enhanced and encouraged to go in certain directions and used for the benefit of the body in which they are housed....ultimately for the benefit of the spirit which underlies and dominates all of those systems.  And that spirit must dwell in and receive its strength from the Holy Spirit wherein I live and move and have my being.  And this --it's nearness in type and kind ; spirit to Spirit--would explain the fact of its strength and it's ability to be resilient and recharged and of it's gracious willingness (not inherently its alone) to step aside and do the bidding of the Holy Spirit in rescuing this faltering  physical "tent" in which I dwell.

Two Songs

I'm in the hospital for asthma and an infection....and these two songs keep finding their way into my ears via my iPod or Amazon Cloud....I just felt compelled to share these lyrics...Check out the songs on YouTube.


Rescue by Newsong

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus, I need You Jesus

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus
I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You
bridge
This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)


You Deliver Me
by Selah


Deep as the ocean,
bright as rain
This powerful emotion
lifts me up above the plain
It's taking me to places I never thought I'd go
Showing me a grace I never thought I'd know

When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me
And when the road is winding and way too long
You deliver me, You deliver me, yeah

I feel like a sinner whose sins have been washed clean
An absolute beginner whose heart has never seen
I must be forgiven for sometimes asking why
I was chosen to be given You in this life

When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me, yeah
When the road is winding and way too long  
You deliver me, You deliver me

When there's a distance Oh, between
what I am And who I wanna be
You deliver
When I feel like I can't go on You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long You deliver me
When I feel like I can't go on
You deliver me
When the road is winding and way too long You deliver me, You deliver me
You deliver me

You Deliver Me Selah Worship Video wlyrics

A Long Night Half Over

It's 2:45...I cough and struggle to breathe.  My head hurts from the coughing..My chest wall is sore and my throat raw.  Today I went to my friend's house for Bible Study --and before it started was beset by such breathlessness and coughing that I had to ask to be brought home...to stick my head  in the nebulizer mask to suck in some albuterolic relief.  My husband was angry with me....or maybe, more accurately, with the situation.  Why can I never just get sick for a day or even a week and then get better and go on with my life?  Why is it that "cures" don't cure me?  He is certain that I will end up in the hospital...and who knows, maybe I will....But I know, viscerally, that this must be fought with all of my strength.  Why?  Because the "cure" is to pump me full of IV steroids...which always make me depressed and angry and psychotic....And right now, I'm way too precariously perched on my inner sanity tightrope to have to deal with the steroids - crazies.

"Hope Escaping" by Cynthia Lott Vogel

Tonight, earlier, I lie in my bed thinking of the dreaded "what if's."  But these were not some outlandish things I was imagining.  I was thinking of the time when we'll have to move and I will be forced to deal with the masses and messes of paperwork and do-dads that fill this house.  I thought of when I ultimately have to go into a nursing home.   I thought of my rapidly approaching shoulder surgeries.  I thought of trying to meet next month's budget.  Thoughts like this filled me with dread, terror and ultimately: despair.  I feel incapable of dealing with any of them..  I don't want  to deal with them.  I don't want to deal with even the struggles that tomorrow will bring, let alone things like these.  I felt the Swamp sucking me down and under.  It was a familiar but not recent feeling for me.

I suddenly realized that this heavy sense of dread was one that I lived with and walked with and wore like a thousand pound noose about my neck for a good (or I should say "a horrific") fifteen years, from approximately age 15 to 30...I was burdened and choked by this familiar phantom of cloying despair.

And it has been gone --only appearing in random instances of depression or psychosis--since then.  So WHY am I dealing with this now??  I realize suddenly: it's because I'm undergoing a medication adjustment.  And it was this realization that made me stop and think: This sense of hopelessness I'm feeling is not the reality of how things stand.  It is a symptom of my illness.  It can be vanquished chemically; therefore it is not the tangible opponent that it seems to be at this moment.  Yet, still I know that this "symptom" must be dealt with  quickly, because the profundity of the despair that I felt tonight is not one that can be carried or survived for very long.