Loons and Moons

Even though the word "loon" can be referring to a mentally unstable person; and even though the Moon is considered to be a symbol of madness (consider the word root for the word : Lunar)--I promise this will not be a post about the recent gear slippages in my brain.  I wanted to tell you about my rediscovery of something and someone which and who should not be permitted to vanish into the fogs of anonymity.

                                                            
As a child I was --well, a bit different from my gum-chewing, dodgeball -playing companions in grade school.  I loved poetry and books and libraries (and considering they all fit one inside another, it made for a good one-stop-shop).  I volunteered in my grade school library back at Fairmount Elementary School in the  ummm..well, I guess it would have been the late 60's...And the librarian became a wonderful friend and a life-long mentor until she died not too long after my marriage.  Her name--just to honor her here, --was Eleanor Light.  And Mrs. Light would often send me home with some of the books that were too worn out or outdated to be kept in the library any longer.

There was a book, that just happened to hold the poem I've held closet to my heart ...and that book, back then, one day appeared in the discard pile that Mrs. Light handed me.  Not only that, but I STILL have it..  It's called "A Magic World---an Anthology of Poetry" and was published in 1930.

So why all this ancient history?  Because I thought of the poem this morning, and found that, I, who cannot remember the previously spoken sentence, can recall every word of this poem...And I thought to myself, as I sat in my dark kitchen watching a spectacular sunrise through the glass front of our home, and found myself quoting the lines of Emily Dickinson's poem, "I'll Tell you how the Sun Rose"--'How very very sad that children no longer grow up with poetry in their hearts and minds...but quote instead, entire episodes of "The Simpsons" or worse, "Family Guy."

And in honor of  the soul and fading craft of poetry, and of a man who used words to paint the pictures of the world around him.: Lew Sarett.

http://phunnyfarm.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

Wind in the Pine   
by Lew Sarett

Oh I can hear you, God, above the cry
     Of the tossing trees--
Rolling your windy tides across the sky,
     And splashing your silver seas
           Over the pine,
      To the water line
           Of the moon.

Oh,  I can hear you God,
Above the wail of the lonely loon--
When the pine-tops pitch and nod--
        Chanting your melodies
Of ghostly waterfalls and avalanches,
Swashing your wind among the branches
       To make them pure and white.

Wash over me God, with your piney breeze,
     And your moon's wet, silver pool;
Wash over me God, with your wind and night...

     And leave me clean and cool.

And just a hint: read it aloud.  Feel the words in your mouth as they roll off your tongue: That's "assonance" --and no, it's not a word describing Bart Simpson. :)  but it does sound as if it might, doesn't it?
 

05 - The Resistance - Josh Garrels - Love & War & The Sea In Between

Rob Whitley: Recovery In Mental Illness

This is a very interesting video on the topic of recovery from "the other side of the tracks."  This one is from the viewpoint of a researcher/psychologist, albeit sympathetic to the cause of mental illness recovery.  I very much liked his ideas... about dimensional recovery.  I have seen this to be true in my life, where I am more "recovered" in one area than in another.  Please watch...it is worth your time.

schizophrenia coping

this is part two of the video I shared yesterday.  (This is not me BTW...just in case there was any confusion.) ...Maybe tomorrow or later today I will talk about my thoughts on these two videos.  Blessings.

Writing from the OUTSIDE

http://www.aadip9.net/zoe/author/zoe-chan/2010/02/

I want to apologize for my cold or even flippant manner of speaking about my current level of suffering.  I am awkward in speaking about the fact that my mind is being shredded from the inside out.  I feel uncomfortable because of the fact that for the most part on this blog I've written from the "OUTSIDE" looking in.  And when I've been unable to maintain that perspective, I've simply been silent. Well, this time down the Rabbit Hill my descent has been long and slow..Meaning I'm still not  quite at hte bottom and I' m Still not in the hospital (despite my pdoc's disapproval of that fact)  ...so I'm out on the loose, still the possessor of my computer (or "the one possessed BY my computer" ) and thus free to post my lunacy and my grapplings with the muddy slopes. I also though am struggling with something that was recently said to me by someone whom I can 't recall right now, but i know that it is someone of an authority or at the very least , someone whose opinion I value...And they said to me, that as a writer of a blog whose purpose is to encourage people who are struggling with this illness that I have a responsibility in what  I say here...A responsibility to them and one before God.

This fact, while I know it to be true has caused some small bit of resentment to rise in me lately.  Because it seems like everywhere I turn I must hide. I must be appropriate.  And if I am not: "jangle jangle," I hear the keys rattling.  Being appropriate is not always easy.  Nor is it always possible (thus my frequent silences in the past month or two)...Years ago, prior to my maintaining my blogs, I kept extensive and compulsive journals....And they were satisfying and also served the purpose of being relatively secret...[until my daughter, following a major psychotic break of mine, in an effort to understand my motives for doing what I did, got into my computer files where some of my journals were kept and read some entries.  While I was horrified that she did this and at the time of her confessing it to me I was quite angry...now I kind of understand and have definitely forgiven her...  And I hope that she was being truthful when she told me she only read a few entries.  But anyway...]

I had my journals.  And I had my secrecy.   But I did NOT have you, my readers, whom I've befriended and whom I occasionally encourage and more often am encouraged by.  And that emptiness is one that makes it hard to go back and blather onto a silent white page.  I'm used now, to writing for an audience.  But then comes that "RESPONSIBILITY" issue again.....

so do I tell you of my Golden Gate fantasies?

of my assurance that the FBI has broken into my computer files and has record now of all the info I have and the less than favorable things I've said about some public officials?

of my confusion? of the fact that although I was taking my meds regularly in the beginning of my slide, now because of being more confused and out of it, I've occasionally been forgetting to take them??

of my terror of going into the hospital and why?

of my assurance that others can read my thoughts?

of the fact that demons are speaking to me constantly and  I KNOW THEY ARE DEMONS?

that I worry that I'm the spawn of Satan? that I 'm terrified that Jesus finds it foul to reside in me and of my constant worry that he doesn't?

of my suppressed rage and recent sporadic animosity toward people I deal with?

of my despair and sense of hopelessness based on my mental and physical prognoses?

And of my simultaneous denial and refusal to believe in its severity or permanence.

do I tell you that I HATE to get into  the shower and that I only do it when I absolutely have to?

That my diet has ranged from non-existent to the most unhealthy things? (for exaample, today, the only thing I ate was an entire box of Cheez-its)

And do I tell you that this entry is the most coherent thing to come from my mouth or keyboard all day???

And does ANY OF THAT MATTER ONE IOTA???
I'm convinced it really doesn't.
I'm quite sure that very little actually does matter.
or maybe everything matters to such an intense degree that it doesn't matter in the end because we are powerless in the face of its power.

schizophrenia experience

This video I see as being very interesting and possibly helpful in understanding this disease.  Please watch it...I will also post her Part two video tomorrow.

The Insanity Report

I know that some of  you friends are worried about me.  Sometimes I even worry myself.  I've been in a bad place-- which is probably obvious if you've frequented this blog over a period of time and then compared my "normal" with my "recent" posts. Not good.  I'm having many hallucinations, "delusional thinking" -which to me is about five or six persistent ideas which are DRIVING ME NUTS...fearful ideas.  Terrible ideas....which I'm certain are true and happening.  And which everyone assures me, are crazy.  I've been horribly paranoid.  As I've stated before, paranoia is not a fun symptom. NOT only is it complete misery to experience....It is laughable to everyone else.  So not only are you a fearful object of everyone's suspicion and derision, you are a RIDICULOUS object of our suspicion and completely gut-busting object of  our mockery...NOT fun. Not fun at all.

And  I've been having panic attacks....spawned by paranoia.  spawned by paranoid delusions.  spawned by paranoid hallucinations which supplement and validate paranoid delusions.  so you see.  it is quite a mess.  a mess which my pdoc assures me, must be dealt with by a hospital admission...to keep me in a "safe" place while they completely revamp my medications.  Now this idea is disturbing for a plethora of reasons. 1) the hospital sucks.  even on a good, completely sane day.  sucks.
2)  the hospital, when one is paranoid is a living breathing hell. complete with one way mirrors, observation cameras and guards with big jangly bunches of keys.  And a buzzer just ITCHING to go off at any slight urge of mine to create a commotion...which brings scores of men with muscles and years of training on wrestling teams and owners of black belts in numerous martial arts disciplines.. NO match at all for an overweight, middle aged creaking body which HURTS even in repose---which develops superhuman strength and imperviousness to pain when fueled by fear and psychotic rage.  Believe me.  I've sent some of these guys home from work in disability.  Don't ask me how.  But I have.

So do I even want to GO there???
NO.
Not on your life.

And it especially terrifies the bejeebers out of me because on my last admission, i was a hair away from a life long one way ticket to a state hospital.  Not any state hospital...But the one state hospital so well known for its hideous conditions that its very name struck terror into me, a non-resident of the state of New Jersey...even I, from two states away, recognized the name as a place of horrific conditions and brutal guards.  Yikes.  do I want to tempt my fate and test my luck by going BACK there, messing with  my medications, possibly going COMPLETELY off the deep-end. and [[cough.]] Never Ever Coming Back???? No.  Not  on your sweet bippy.

So, sweet Dr. pDoc, what if I just stay here, safe and sound in my own home?  (except not safe.  and by no means "sound")  Well, sweet cynthia, you just MIGHT go completely off the deepend...get lost in one of the horror chambers in your own head...and Never Come Back from there either.

so there.

so basically, either is s a risk.   either is uncomfortable.  either is an all or nothing gamble.

I think I'm just agonna stay right 'cheer. thanks.  At least my own bed is comfy.  and I have a nice warm kitty to sleep on my feet at night.

NOPE.  If they want me to go there...it will not be a pretty sight...but will be replete with kicking and screaming, restraints, men in uniforms and injections in the thigh.  Do I sound like a pro? Like someone who'se "been there; done that"?
good.
cuz i have.

And I did.



(****note, addendum,post script, explanation:
I sound all belligerent.  and mocking.  and like somehow this trip down the rabbit hole is amusing me.  I know.  but it's not at all how i feel.  I just had to make it sound that way so that I didn;t start blubbering..and having you get all drippy over your keyboards...................................................................................................................just so you know..)

Where to Go from Here?

Little sleep.
Much fear.
No where to go.
alone and not

No one can help
every option tried.
Nothing is good
Tired tired tired of spending every day and night alone

walking through my house
saying good bye to things I may no longer have.
feeling like it's an ending to
"Life as you know it"

Someone suggested a group home.
Been there done that.
It sounds somewhat better now.
Now that I know I have sz and am not "above that"

My useless pointlessness is unmasked
no more pretending to be normal.
It is not a setback
It is what it is.

I am what I am.
I would not be so alone.
I would not be disappointing expectations

I want to be around those who know
I don't want to fail.expectations.
hospitals are not options or solutions
Not for me...Now.

Maybe it's time.

God's Checkered Flag

For those of you who've read my response to the comments in the post  one older than this, you will recognize this topic...but I hope you will stick with it and read this , the "expanded version" as well, because I really think there is more to be said about it than I've already said in that comment.


I was exploring my response to the question of what is keeping me alive and fighting for survival in the here and now, when my "here and now" and my "now and future" seem so bleak....at least to me in this moment.  Why would a person in constant, really terrible pain, who is alone 95% of my time, whose abilities have been stripped down to almost nothing, and whose marriage is difficult and whose love is largely one-sided--and whose future earthly destination is very likely a nursing home at a relatively young age...why would I fight to maintain such a life by going to expensive MD appointments for one example?


And in my response to that question, I came  up with another question:,"If a person pursues life in the here and now, does it increase their heavenly reward?"  I mean after all, isn't our reward and interest in the life to come?  Why should we seek to remain in discomfort and apparent uselessness here and now?


And I will explore that question momentarily...but firstly I DO  want to say that I am approaching this question from the viewpoint of someone who believes in and who is committed to Y'shua, the Son of God, Jesus: (all different names for the same man/God).  And there IS an answer which is relevent for those of you who read who are not yet in that position.  And I believe that the answer for  you is this : God extends your life another  moment, another day, or another year or more...for the sole purpose of giving you opportunity after opportunity to come to know his Son...and to decide to give  him a role in your life: the role of your King, Lord, and the Lover of your soul.

2 Peter 3:9

The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. 

New Living Translation (NLT)

 The above Scripture refers to God's promise to return to earth to judge the living and the dead and to give his children new eternal bodies and life.   And I mentioned above that you have "chance after chance"  --and I want to qualify that by saying that some of you  have chance after chance....some of you may not live to the end of today....and this may be your only chance to make this decision.  You cannot presume that you will have numerous chances because as we all know, life is precarious and can end very suddenly and without warning.   So do not delay...and you will find, as you come to really know God that you were not missing anything by remaining in your years or days of  life without him....In fact you will wonder how you stood it at all. 

So back to those of you who are God's kids...particularly those of you who struggle with pain, poverty, mental illness or other difficulties and hardships...why continue to struggle to maintain this life?   There HAS to be a better answer than "because God said so "  (and if you know of a verse where "God says so" pleases comment or email me...because I've not been able to find one which blatantly commands that we continue to struggle on and until he says "Okay, now you can come home."  Even Paul struggled with this issue .... )

What I do know is that despite years of willingness for this life to end; despite numerous really serious illnesses where I toed the line between life and death...God has REFUSED TO LET LET ME DIE...He has constantly yanked me back from the very point of death and restarted this heart, woken me after suicide attempts that would kill  several 200 pound men, and just basically said over and over 'NOPE, this is NOT your time.'  EVEN when I've begged him in agony to bring me Home.  And I"ve had to ask very seriously, "WHY????"

"Why Lord, won't you let  me die?"

And it is there --in the asking of that question that I 've had to encounter the issue which I mentioned early in this post, 'Will I receive a greater reward if I stay a bit longer?' And I don't believe that the answer is a matter of reward so much ...It's a matter of not being READY yet..Am I a believer ? If I died at this moment would I go to Heaven?  Yes.  Absolutely.

BUT    (The everlasting "but" which messes up all of my earthy plans where God interjects HIS plans to "mess up mine" and to do something so much better.....)

But, God has something he still wants me to do.  Something that may not have anything to do with ME at all..but which will hugely impact someone else.  Maybe.

But God would never use me to impact someone for the better without reward for me as well.

But God has a place he has ready for me in heaven.  

Call it a mansion.  

Call it a crown. 

Call it 'Merely' the opportunity to fall at his feet, forgiven and complete.

I don't know what it is....but it's something that he is preparing for me.  And I'm not READY to receive it yet.   Maybe I wouldn't yet comprehend it...or appreciate it...or ....dare I say "Deserve it" yet???  I think I might.  Salvation is unmerited...It is completely  undeserved.  But our REWARDS are completely EARNED...

Paul himself says that some of us will get into heaven with NOTHING...nothing but the skin on our backs.  No rewards.  No mansions.  Nada.

And will we be happy to be there?  You betcha...because maybe we will get a view of some fire and brimstone on our way there...and we will know exactly what it is we 've escaped.  

But just as I believe there are levels of punishment in  Hell.  (many strokes for some, fewer for others)  There will be levels of reward in heaven.  

And I think...in fact I honestly believe that I'm not yet in the place where God wants me to be in order to receive that which he has been preparing for me.  I've had a really strong sense of this.  And I believe with all my heart, that it is supported by Scripture.  And an equally strong sense that God has been conveying this to me...in all the ways in by which he communicates...

And I have to tell you that my "flesh " is so strong that in moments of extreme pain, I've even been willing to forgo that reward just to end the pain of the "now"

But God is not willing.  And so I remain.

I am NOT saying or inferring that there is some huge "Ministry " that God wishes for me to begin.  Or even some deed he wants me to accomplish.  In fact I kinda know what it is that God wants for me to do....and it's not a "to do;"  it's a "to BE."  God wants me to BE something that I am not.  Not yet.  But it is something that he is working in me.  working ON me  Working with me  to become.

And then....finally, He will wave that checkered flag....and I will tear, full speed ahead for that finish line.

Diagnose Me...

I've been quiet online lately.  Have kept my mouth shut on FB...haven't posted a blog here or on my other blog site for a LONG time...and in general just haven't felt like talking to anyone and don't even feel like I have enough to say to even want to talk to myself.

Am I depressed?  I know that I've been suffering from very bad symptoms of the SZ....but aside from periods of insane anxiety about completely irrational topics....the psychosis has lessened.  But what is left? Are these negative symptoms?  Or is it depression?  I haven't wanted to talk to friends...and have been so blase when I have talked that I am sure they are grateful for my silence.  Nothing piques my interest.  Nothing attracts my attention. (and no, that isn't redundancy; it is Hebrew poetry )

My health (or lack of it) is a matter of complete disinterest to me.  I've canceled Doctor appointments and brushed off their attempts to get me to come in and attend to "important" health issues and I've failed to reschedule appointments that THEY have had to cancel due to "emergencies that came up"...Why?  Because i can just not be bothered to pursue  health that is elusive and unlikely.  I cannot be persuaded to chase after a life that I really don't want via tactics that seem to be altogether fruitless and pointlessly expensive.

So you tell me...Go on, diagnose me...(everyone else seems to love to do it): Am I depressed?  Disgusted by my life circumstance (ie: situational depression,)  Chemically depressed because of the newest PA meds I'm on?  Taking a plummet down Bipolar Disorder's "Rabbit Hole"?  Psychotic? 

My psychiatrist has tried several times to call me...however she always leaves the following message on my home phone's answering machine "Cynthia, please call or text my cell phone...I'm available from such and such a time...."
Now, I have not done as she asked.  Why?
It's not rocket science.  And my doctor is probably smart enough to DO rocket science should it interest her...

....REASON???
I don't have her cell phone number!!!!

And her office is only open two days a week for a few hours.   And they are exceptionally rude to me...So it's not like I can call them and harass them for a number they are not going to give me.

Now why my doc hasn't figured this out by now and just called my cell number (if she has it...which I'm sure she does, somewhere in that file..) or called my husband's cell...or just left her cell number on my answering machine... is beyond me.

So, other than one pharmaceutical change in my antipsychotic med...nothing has been done.  And  right now  I really really need to go and reacquaint myself with the shower.

Insanity's Inanities

This will have to be a quick post  as I'm supposed to  be going out in an hour.  I should be spending that hour in the shower...but....nah.  I can't stand taking showers when it's way too cold to think about undressing.  And it is.


I've been a mess.  Still able to speak coherently (most of the time) but these  ideas I have: like the computer virus is STILL HERE and it has infected me and everything that I touch....and that somewhere there is some evil being amassing information about me which will  be used ruthlessly against me.  And that APPLE (yes as in Apple computers) has overtaken my computer via iTunes (which it really has btw) and it is consuming every bit of music I might ever own again...And that it is dictating to me  what i may and may not listen to on my computer and on my iPod (which BTW it IS.)  And that soon in this world all Christian music will be obliterated and the only stuff available will be sanitized, media-tized, world-i-cized... CRAP...becuase really that is all that is left on my iPod and in my music collection since iTunes got their hands on it.  And I'm sure I will go to jail for libel as soon as I press the "Publish" button on this blog...but you know what? Not guilty...by means of insanity.  the good thing about being insane is that you can say what you want and get away with  it ....The bad thing is that no one ever pays attention to ANYthing you say because, "what does she know? She's Crazy."

So those are two of the ideas which are driving me nuts.  And there are two others, which involve persons in my life and which I will not publish because while it's okay to defame Apple, it is not cool to do that to someone in  your life. Oh and there is one more idea: that someone is breaking into my house.  Yep.  They are trying night after night...keeping me awake and I HEAR AND SEE corroborating evidence...however ...the problem is that ONLY I can hear and see this stuff.  And so far, after months of trying to get in...they never have...only have succeeded in keeping me awake and on vigil for long night after night.  And really , what the heck could they find to take anyway??  I have nothing that anyone would want..(.unless it's an iPod full of Apple-bleached Christian music.) 

Anyway you get the idea.  I'm living in anxiety and terror...and I KNOW there is no need for it.  I KNOW that my God is greater than any mental illness or delusions...JUST like a person with OCD  KNOWS it is not truly necessary to wash their hands a million times a day....KNOWing something...does not always strip it of it's power or grant it sanity.

It just doesn't.