I don't know what to say. I know I owe you all a new post. Whatever is going on in my life pales in the face of the pain with which I approach it. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I think of my life stretching in front of me...an ocean of pain through which I must swim in order to get to the promises of the other side.
I know. The good news is I do not go alone.
I know. The good news is that the sharks in these depths cannot touch me.
But I also know that there will likely not be a single minute for the rest of my life--aside from times spent under general anesthesia--where I will not be conscious of severe pain.
I don' t want that.
Duh. Talk about stating the obvious. But no, I really mean it; I do not want this pain and I KNOW I have no choice in the matter. The only choice I have is to pursue the pain with Biologic Drugs and to pray, 1) that they alleviate my pain. and 2) if they do not alleviate it, that they will quickly kill me.
My daughter disagrees with this decision of mine. But I do not have it in me to agree to more years of suffering and horrific disability just to extend my life. She doesn't know what it is she is asking of me....nor does she understand what will happen if I become completely disabled and dependent on her for everything. I think that then, she will change her tune
I shudder at the thought of another night like last night...but I know it's coming. My hands and ankles are swollen huge. There is not one joint in me that does not hurt and a good many tendons also hurt. The minutes will crawl...each one of them is a chapter in an endless book. Each one of them is a torture session in a North Korean POW camp. Morning will crawl on its hands and knees to get here...and it will get here only to find that it forgot to bring relief.
There is no loneliness like the aloneness of those in severe pain.