Thursday, April 26, 2012
Writhings and Sinkings
Well, then I came off the steroids on Sunday of this week. By Tuesday, I was hurting . By Wednesday I was consumed by pain. Yesterday I had an MD appointment. and I was destroyed by pain. We had a couple of other stops to make in addition to the doctor, so we were out from about 10:00 to 4:00...In the car on the way home pain was making it difficult for me to converse...and exhaustion such as I can't even begin to describe began to grip me. Several times in the car my eyes closed for a minute or two but I managed to mostly stay away. I got home and crawled up the stairs...staggered into my room. plopped into the recliner and was asleep before my butt even hit the seat.
When I got up I was hurting. God bless my friend Kathy, who took me to the doctor yesterday, because she bought us a rotisserie chicken from Sam's Club for our dinner last night...so all I had to do was to heat it up and boil some potatoes. But even that was really more than I could manage. AFter dinner my husband asked me to mix up a recipe for him and also to make his lunch for today. I almost cried. It was all I could do to remain standing. My entire body hurt...no, hurt is too mild a word. My body was writhing in agony --only that "writhing " was probably invisible but my body did look like something was very wrong. I was limping badly and every joint was stiff and hurting. I cannot do it justice in words. Words pale in their ability to convey how I was feeling. The experience cannot be replicated by mere syllables.
Finally I was done making his sandwich...I hobbled down to my room and realized I wasn't wearing sweats, so I couldn't just fall into bed. So I had to ask my husband to help me undress. I hurt so badly that his pulling my shirt off over my head made me gasp and cry out. Once he removed my socks, he helped me put my sleep pants on and I finally dropped into bed. But despite incredible exhaustion it was over an hour or two before I could sleep...Pain was too consuming ...I took my morphine and oxycodone...and waited. And waited. Finally sleep came. AT midnight I was awakened by pain...I crept to my recliner...and passed out there. At three oclock...I felt my cat stirring in my lap...she was disturbed by my wiggling in pain...so we both moved once more to the bed....and I slept again until 6:00. At 6:00 I was so stiff and so hurting that it was all I could do to make it to my recliner. It's now 8:00 and I've been sitting here since 6:00 trying to talk my body into moving.
Last night my exhaustion was so great I kept having this image me sinking through my bed, through the floor, through the basement floor and down into the earth beneath. I felt so heavy that that is how I felt like I would maybe get some relief. I can't explain it and I know it seems silly. But that image kept coming to my mind.
So conclusion? Steroids were really helping my pain. However, I'm having shoulder surgery very soon... It really is not safe to be on steroids in surgery. And I will also have to quit my Enbrel as well. The agony of just that alone is terrifying. The surgical pain will just be another discomfort. My own pain will I'm sure compete or supersede the pain of the shoulder replacement. Am I scared?