On Sunday I was downstairs in my "other" bedroom. It's a basement room and was nice and cool despite the temps outside pushing 90. I picked up some grocery bags and opened the door to the adjoining room where I planned to store them....That room was dark because the light switch for it was on the opposite wall. I took two steps and suddenly found myself lurching forward....My foot had gotten stuck under our treadmill which was partially blocking my path...As I began to fall, in that initial jolt, I felt something "POP" in the back of my leg...and that pop came accompanied by horrific pain....But I couldn't attend to that pain then...I was too busy trying not to land on the floor. I stumbled and staggered for what seemed like ten minutes. All I could think was "God PLEASE don't let me fall and break my new hip!" Why am I such a clutz??
I didn't fall.
I came to a stop in a standing, crouched-over position and found myself in unbelievable and agonizing pain. I knew right then what I'd done. I'd torn my hamstring. This was later confirmed by the ER doc after the ambulance crew dropped me at the nearest hospital and they'd done a series of X-rays throughout which I cried and tried not to scream by biting my lips bloody. It had been hard getting onto the stretcher...hard to be jolted and rolled out of the basement, through the slanted metal doors and up into blinding sunlight, through the garage and into the ambulance. The ride there was agonizing as well. But these were all paled by the X-rays. They X-rayed my hips, pelvis, femur and knee...and to move myself into the necessary positions for these caused me pain like ....well, the only comparable pain was when I'd thrice dislocated my hip. The thing is though, that my hip, once I'd gone through a few hours of agony....was instantly "all better" after it was replaced into the socket. THIS, however, goes on and on and I know from what the doctors have told me...it will NOT go away any time soon. WHY do I keep finding new ways to feel pain? And why are they never short term like getting a splinter?
So here I am...three days later, still in the same pair of shorts and (gross , I know) undies that I was wearing on Sunday when I fell (staggered? stumbled??). I'm wearing the same clothes because I know that to change them myself will cause unbelievable pain. I finally admitted to my husband today that I need his help to get changed. The reason for my hesitation is not pride. Please believe me on this. Anyway. I'm told by my orthopedic surgeon yesterday, who was so amazed at my incredible habit for getting into painful medical quandaries, that he started laughing in wry astonishment--but then quickly apologized for laughing and made the obvious understatement, "you just can't get a break can you?" I wanted to tell him that if I did get a break, it would likely be my neck...but didn't want to give Fate any ideas. lol. (I do NOT believe in Fate btw...I believe in a loving and wise God who sometimes astonishes me with his definition of "good" and "beneficial") Why does nothing good ever seem to happen??
Here I am--three days later with the prospect of a long, pain-filled summer before me. Pain from my leg...and then somewhere in there interjecting with its own agony is my first shoulder replacement....will be my lot for endless weeks to come. My garden will have to go by the wayside. My dreams of storing the fruits of my propagation for the winter disappeared with a sizzle and a groan. I'm left holding the crutch. And my kneeling bench (brand new) and my garden gloves (also new) will have to join my spade and fork and ergonomic trowel in the garage to gather dust for yet another year. Days like today leave me wondering with a bitter taste in my mind, whether there ever will come a year when I have all my aching joints replaced and have regained enough mobility to garden and go to the beach and walk through the sand...to walk and to jog;...to do the arthritis walk that I'd do much wanted to do this year....Will that day come? Or will this disease just progress resolutely like a bulldozer through my dreams and wishes? Why is the door shut to every earthly desire I have? Am I to only have heavenly desires? Then why am I not there?
Yesterday my Orthopedic surgeon told me that hamstring tears take a LONG long time from which to recover. Well,. There goes my summer. There goes my garden. There goes any trip we may want to take. There goes just about everything for the next six months. NOT only that, but I will at some point in there be having bilateral shoulder surgeries. The ortho surgeon told me to go ahead and schedule it and see how I feel. If I'm still not feeling better,then to cancel. Why can I never make plans?
The thing that really really just SUCKS is the loneliness. And the fact that people seem to be so clueless. I guess I do the same thing. When a call comes through the prayer chain saying "please pray for so-and-so who hurt their back" it is NOT enough to simply pray "Lord, Please heal so -and-so." We are also to LOVE them....and that means to find out their needs and to meet them as best we can. Sometimes, I've done that. Other times, I've just taken the easy route and prayed for them. But dealing with chronic sickness has brought me nose - to - hard - nose with the fact of unmet needs and people who don't visit, don't call, and don't offer to help. Now, do not get me wrong...there are a few people who do call. who have offered. Not very many (I can't think of any) have visited....but I do not want to diminish the goodness of and my appreciation for those who have put themselves out and helped. But you know what happens? For example...I do not drive. And all of my doctors are in the adjoining state , about an hour away. (due to my husband's employment and the insurance regulations)....I, right now, have only two or maybe three people whom I may ask to drive me to these appointments. I average probably 4 appointments per month,. One of these people is my 70-something father who has to drive an hour to get to my house and then the hour to get to the doctor and the two hours to reverse the process. Four hours of driving for a ten minute appointment,... Any way that's beside the point.
Why do we not actively pray with our actions as well as our minds?
My point is that my one friend who always gets stuck helping me...is on the verge of telling me, "Look I can't be your friend anymore. You need too much." --just as all my other friends have told me---And the other friends were asked really nothing in the way of help...they just couldn't deal with my illness in general. Whose "job" is it to get me where I need to go? (the one, glaring , obvious answer is a "no-go" because ....well, just because.) It should not be the job of my one friend. There is no public transportation. Really, it must be a shared task accomplished by the church. If everyone took one turn...they would only have to probably do it once in a year. So why WHY does that not happen??
And why WHY does no one stop over for tea?