Crumbling--And Holding Fast

The following is a letter I wrote to my friend (and frequent commenter here on Treasures, Caryn.)

I don't feel that I can describe what is going on much more adequately than I did here...

and she gave her permission to use this letter here.  So here goes Nothin'  :

Hi Caryn,

I'm really really struggling.  Have had periods of intense paranoia around three ideas or four wihch I guess could be called "delusional" although at the times of struggle, seem completely logical , powerful and distressing.  These ideas are getting worse and worse, often taking away entire nights of sleep when I'm all alone and struggling immensely not to completely lose it to the fear that these ideas stir up in me.
 
I know that "Perfect love casts out all fear."
But these thoughts seem to be impervious to that verse.   I finally called my pdoc (psychiatrist) last Friday and she just called me back today.  After a night of complete hell.  This computer virus situation has completely been my undoing.  Even though the virus was solved.  EVen though my computer was completely wiped clean and I lost every bit of data on it.  The malevolent being who put it there in the first place is not done with me and is screwing with all of my internet accounts and I cant' make a move without them knowing about it.  It's a horrible horrible feeling...even if I stay away from my computer , everything around me gets tied into these thoughts...

I'm even seeing things which are corroborating these ides.  This is hell.  It hasn't been this bad or this all encompassing for many many years. The only thing that helps a bit is to put headphones on to try to drown out the footsteps crunching around on the ground outside my bedroom window,.,or the voices saying my name over and over....

Please just pray for me...I don't know why Satan is trying so hard to get to me now...I'm not much of a threat to him.
I'd like to describe a little bit of this junk on my blog but am not sure I can.  May I copy my portion of this letter onto the blog?  Let me know ASAP.  Thanks.
Cynthia

A Little Thanksgiving at Christmas

 Today is Christmas morning.  My daughter and her maybe soon to be husband are here, and I'm so grateful that she's found a man that all of us: her dad,myself and my parents, love as much as though he were a part of our family forever.  Last night the above mentioned people were here (and once my brother in law arrives today from Florida, that will pretty much comprise our entire family unit for all practical purposes.) and we celebrated the coming of the King to this Earth as a babe.  I'm so thankful to be able to be with them all this Christmas...and not in a hospital, rehab or nursing home.  Next year is not guaranteed to me in any sense...but I'm so grateful for the wonderful time we are sharing together this year.

My husband is a self-proclaimed Scrooge.  Hates Christmas and everything about it...but I  think even he enjoyed himself last night.  And for that I am grateful.
I am grateful for the unseasonably warm weather...which means less pain for me.  And greater safety and accessibility in traveling.

I'm grateful that my "sister" in the Philippines is still alive following the horrific flooding and great loss of life in her village this past week.  I pray for her in the coming sad days of hunger and continuing rain without a roof on their hut/home...Please add your prayers to mine and please, if you hear of any Red Cross or such efforts to send aid there, please contribute...So far, they have received nothing ...there are not even coffins to bury their dead.

I am grateful for my heated house and comfortable hospital bed  and recliner....For the cat on my lap who is my constant companion and "heating pad" these days.  I am grateful to have my laptop back in function following being with out it for a week due to a virus it had.   I am grateful for all the rest of my "extended family" on the internet....Friends I love as much as my "real" life friends.

I'm also grateful that in the past week or so , I've actually been tired enough to sleep despite pain.  In fact it seems like I'm sleeping more than I 'm awake these days.  But after years of surviving on an hour or two a night, I'll take it. ...and with thanksgiving.

I'm grateful that in these days when nothing is a guarantee:  Not health;  freedom, either personal or political; not freedom from pain either; not even a job or having food on the table...and not even my life-- that it is guaranteed that when I draw my last breath here, the next thing I'll see is the face of that One who once laid in that manger and went to the cross to guarantee that I would be with HIm and be no longer in pain...and will enjoy once again all the freedoms I've "lost" in this life.

Yep...a little bit of thanksgiving for your Christmas...and for mine.

Bitten

Well, the past week has been both good and bad; largely miserable--as I've been in even more crippling pain than previously as my spine is now contorting itself permanently into some rather weird shapes (which are doing nothing to enhance my appearance!); and as I've been computerless following two nasty viruses--one striking my laptop and one striking the PC so I was quite effectively thrust back into the twentieth century in terms of my entertainment choices.  No, that's not really true; I still had my Kindle and my iPod and iHome (which fortuitously was delivered on day two of laptop death  -- just in time to charge my iPod, a very necessary piece of sanity-maintaining equipment)...But I found that my enforced off-line status led me to: do some thinking; some much MUCH needed time to spend in God's Word and in prayer; some time to spend just writhing and moaning (lol) as I had two record blowing days of pain that shall be forever cursed in history --as are the days of Job's conception and birth lol.

I also spent some time--quite fascinating time, I might add--spying on myself, on my own history of just a year back.  I've been making books from this blog (from a company called Blog2Print - which is found I believe at ShareABook.com --but if that's wrong, don't be angry--just Google it instead) for the past two years at the year's end.  Last year I published the year 2009 and this year, 2010. (This year opting for the Volkswagon paperback version rather than the full -color, hardcover Cadillac of the previous year, finances being what they are.)

And in so reading I was amazed by several things:  1- is how miserable I was in the beginning of 2010; physically, very sick. Weak.  Fat.  Asthmatic...why, HMMmmmm who does this remind me of?? ME.  NOW.  And 2- the difference in my status by year's end.  Ecstatic with self pride and joy and the great improvement I'd been able to achieve with just a bit of dedication and self discipline---and with SparkPeople.com--I'd lost close to 70 pounds. Gained a lot of muscle...Gained in strength, in health, in happiness and contentment with myself.  and 3--the depth of my thought and mental/spiritual powers of insight as I started the year, regardless of how miserable I was, I wrote what I think are very decent blog posts.

(You have to realize, I'm looking back at this time as a relative stranger visiting the blog of someone else, since, due to my memory problems I was able to read it all as a first time visitor without bias or any interference my memory may have made otherwise.  Therefore I feel no shame at congratulating the author of this blog because I do not feel related to her--although we do bear remarkable resemblance! lol).

Now, reading this blog has created perhaps a bit of difficulty for  me because my immediate response is not merely a renewed motivation to write insightful blogposts; but also the dangerous question keeps asking itself in my mind, "If I could do it then , why can I not do it again; NOW???"

The question is dangerous because it leads to a great deal of discontentment with my current state physically.  Now of course, I think anyone in my body right now would be not only discontent, but completely miserable...but I think that this state in me is a dangerous one. And this is because my physical state has crossed the line between being able to change by commitment and zeal and perseverance into the land of permanent disability and serious illness which not only is unchangeable but to attempt such a change would be downright dangerous. My rheumy has repeatedly expressed her concern over the real and imminent danger of permanent and total paralysis I  face at this point in my disease, as the arthritic changes in my spine are compressing the spinal cord itself and are cutting off nerve root functions.  A fall or a wrong move,...or just another worsening of my condition and I won't be typing my own blogs anymore :(    So it is quite obvious that the type of exercise I was doing previously is really not only not recommended but is downright dangerous and foolish.

So I think, rather, I need to focus more on the aspect of writing spiritually discerning blogs and into being a spiritually discerning person.  And this can ONLY come by spending time with the Lord and in His Word.  You cannot be filled with the Spirit if you only rarely talk to Him.  Nor can I maintain the acuity of my Scriptural knowledge and knowledge of spiritual literature if I am not exposed to them frequently and in depth.  And honestly, to me, the computer is a huge roadblock in this pursuit.

I believe that God has allowed this virus to teach me a needed lesson and to warn me--once again-- "My child, you are spending WAY too much time chatting online and not nearly enough time "chatting" with Me."   And He reinforced the strength of this message by allowing me to become very very frightened and paranoid about the computer now in ways that I won't go into here...Just suffice it to say that to shut the thing off now, will actually bring some degree of relief to me.

So to my friends, If you do not see as much of me as before; be glad for it means that God is seeing more of me...
NO!
I am seeing more of God.

Toxic, Green Slime- my most important post ever

Something that has been really concerning me lately is how I come across to people.  I seem to give the impression (at least in the 30 second encounters I have, which I think is the amount of time it takes for most people to form their opinions of you and probably the length of time in which most of our encounters transpire)...that I am a negative person and that all I talk about is my medical situation.  While I don't believe that my close friends think only that about me...our conversations are varied and involve usually pretty large amounts of time spent laughing...those who have little contact with me or rather only sporadic contact, may very well be getting that impression. 

This is something quite distressing to me to realize because it is NOT the way I want to come across nor how I want to be remembered, nor how I want to BE.  I was trying to understand what I am doing and why I'm doing it in order to understand this better and to change it.  The largest reason is: It is usually the first (and too often only) thing many people say to me: "how are you feeling?" or "how are you doing?"  Now, the fault lies at my doorstep that I interpret this in a physical (and thus, medical,) sense.  And I give them the lowdown (which is quite an appropriate name for it!!!) on my status in terms of pain index, the latest news on my  medical front etc. Or the answer (and lame) answer I give is: "hanging in there" which gives (accurately??) the picture of someone in a noose or hanging onto a windowsill  (from the outside) by their blue knuckles, etc.  NONE of these are positive images which I've just created in the listenerarises to just spill somewhere--the sadness and pain that my life contains (as is true of every person)--and oddly, I seem to choose the wrong forums in which to do this.  This junk, frankly, belongs in a journal and for the ears of God, and not in places where people come to form their opinions of me or to receive my encouragement.  While they should know, if they are suffering, that they are not alone and will be understood here or in those other places where I have dealings with people...that really awful and private stuff should be saved for the ears of a notebook or for those of a close friend who knows me well already, and will not be thrown or misinformed by this ten minutes of time.  Instead, I've had it backwards: I've saved the laughter for my close friends and spread the negativity all over the place in my dealings with others. ( Note to readers: please read on, and note the revelations about myself  that take place as I continued to write)

However lately, I've noticed a growing tendency in myself to be negative...and to feel sorry for myself...and neither of these are things that I want to be known for or to allow to grow in my character.  Now it is true: I do suffer from SZA and part of that diagnosis is that I  have bipolar disorder/depressive type.  And this is bound to affect my attitudes somewhat... at least, if I allow it to.  There is still the ability in me, I'm sure, to change that...to choose to be otherwise and to work on developing a positive, grateful heart...After all, the God who dwells in my heart has more than sufficient ability to transform characters and overcome diagnoses.  As Ann Voskamp discovered for herself , learning to be grateful for the numerous blessings surrounding us from the Father --and in fact, even noticing them at all--will transform our characters. (Read her book, 1000 Gifts: Learning to be Happy with your life Right Where you are. for her story)

My negativity has spread like a toxic green slime all over my reputation and into my dealings with people and here and into my being itself, and now I want to apologize and to tell you that here and, for the first time sincerely, I am going to "Choose Joy" as Sara Frankl was so famous for, and the reason why her recent death is mourned by people near and far (for more of Sara's story, please visit her blog at www.gitzengirl.com and you too will be blessed by a contagious joy that permeated her being.).  I've said in the past, that this was the choice I  wanted to make...but something in my being was resisting this change...(self-pity??)...but this needs to be ferreted out, brought before the Lord and confessed, and a decision made to reject this attitude from having and allowing this poison to be allowed into my character....And this needs to be done now, before I lose every single person I love and every friend I have.

I think that Joy and Gratitude and Faith, when forged in the fires of suffering and pain, are beautiful things to behold, in the eyes of God and in the eyes of other people (I find it harder to admire these in people who've never had a challenge or a hardship in their lives) and I want them to be the defining qualities of my life.  (Hey, HERE maybe is the "Treasure from Darkness" I've been talking about so much!).  I've asked God a million times, "Lord, why have I had so many close calls with death...and not yet been taken to your Kingdom?"  I've suspected strongly that there was either some task he wanted me to complete, or that there was some character change that needed to be accomplished before I stood before his Throne to give account and something for which he wanted to reward me rather than to rebuke me (I've thought this over often) and in his love, he was keeping me here, in this place of suffering, rather than either permitting me to come to his side or to be healed entirely and that what needs to be done, must be done in this place of pain.

Jars of Clay- I'll Fly Away- with lyrics

Eventually, I'll Fly Away

Seems like all my life has been comprised of lately is medical junk...one thing right after another...Doctor visits, tests, doctors not liking the results and sending me to more doctors.  Makes me wonder how they benefit from referrals.  I guess they are their food and drink so they like to perpetuate the cycle.  After all, isn't that how medicine really operates?--Finding one condition after another so they and other docs have a reason to see me every few weeks (not me personally - Me in a generic sense...I'm sure it is not my award winning smile they are looking to see :) )

My elbow surgery was supposed to be on Tuesday of this week...but my doctor cancelled it.  Permanently.  Said overall it was too risky for me to undergo general anesthesia right now unless it was a complete necessity.  I don't know how he defines "complete necessity" but it evidently doesn't include "reducing screaming pain" lol.

Then he sent me to a nephrologist...not only recommended I go, but called the nephrologist's office and arranged it for a few days later.  So, although  I had previously determined "NO MORE DOCTORS" were to be added to my already impressive army of them, I agreed to go, since if I didn't, I'd probably end up hitting the phonebook to find a new PCP as well.  My doctor (PCP) has been with  me for about 20 years--so I'd hate to tick him off.

I was open with the nephrologist today when he told me I really need to see a cardiologist to monitor a heart (valve) problem I was born with which generally worsens with age.  I told him, "I don't want to add another doctor, I have too many already."  So at the conclusion of our appointment today, he said, "I really  want you to come back in two weeks If You Don't Mind, and we'll see where we stand by then."  Well, honestly, I kinda do mind and am wondering what the consequences would be of cancelling that appointment.

Please understand, I"m not trying to be difficult.  It is merely that my medical treatment has gotten completely out of hand--as I can no longer afford to pay even the copays.  And I'm beginning to feel that it is completely futile to try to chase it down and get my health under control again...so maybe I'd best just let it fly away, like it is apparent that my body wants to do.  STOP trying to control the disintegration.  STOP trying to control and monitor situation after situation which seem to be arising weekly, if not daily.

So much of what is wrong with me is the consequence of the medical treatments for other conditions.  One treatment breeds another problem and when they treat that, they just spawn some more issues.  So stop it already. Let God deal with this junk because it's apparent you guys are fighting a losing battle.  If God wants me on this earth a while longer, He'll see to it that that happens...and if not, well, than that will happen regardless of how many doctors are trying to tie their strings around my ankles to keep me from flying away.

to the young woman I was....and to all those like me

The Decision no one would Want to Make

On Tuesday of this week (today is Friday), I went for an appointment in NYC to a new rheumatologist (arthritic disease doctor).  Initially, I'd thought that the doctor would only be as a consult to give a second opinion about my recent tentative diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS).  But the doctor was so wonderful that I'm sure I will be seeing and talking to him again.  I got his name from NY Magazine's list of top doctors in New York.  He headed the list for rheumatology...and I found out when I sat in his examining room and saw from the plaques awarded to him by that magazine, that he'd done the same for the past three consecutive years.  When I was with him for a few moments, I immediately saw why he'd received this honor.  He has to be one of the nicest individuals I've ever encountered.  He was concerned, respectful and willing to bend over backward to meet my needs.  He even assisted me in putting my socks back on following his exam of me (I am unable to do this without an assistive device.)  This expression of humility and understanding made a huge impression on me.

He did not feel that I have AS as the pattern of my spinal fusions do not follow the typical pattern for that disease.  Rather he said I have Psoriatic Spondylopathy, which is a sub-classification of a symptom of my main disease PA (Psoriatic Arthritis), in which the arthritis fuses the vertebrae together into one immovable unit.  Already in my neck I have 3 levels of fusion and am unable to turn my head very far in any direction.  There is a marked progression of damage to my spine in just the past year and this is visible on the MRI films.  For this reason and because of the severity of the disease in the remainder of my joints, the doctor felt that I really must begin to take a biologic such as Enbrel--despite the very great risk it carries to me personally because of my extremely weak immune system and propensity to develop major infections which rapidly turn into life-threatening situations.  Already I've had MRSA (2x), endocarditis (and infection of a valve in the heart), cerebral-spinal meningitis (infection of the spinal cord and brain), and multiple pneumonias.

He told me of the seriousness of the decision I have to make...and told me that if I do not decide to treat the PA with these drugs I will rather quickly have an extremely poor quality of life. I know from my reading that because of the spinal involvement this risk includes the risk of total paralysis and death.  So ultimately, I must weigh the worst of the two outcomes with each other in order to make this decision: total paralysis and much pain or death.  Which would you choose?  Sounds like a lose/lose situation to me.

Because I love the Lord Jesus and claim him as my Lord and Savior....I know that when I die I will go to be with him in his kingdom....so the risk of death does not frighten me.  Actually I look forward eagerly to that time with great anticipation...so initially my first reaction was to be willing to try the Biologic drugs...because that, and some very unpleasant side effects are "all" I am risking.  AND (not least of my considerations) the possible wonderful benefit I could gain: an improvement in my symptoms and a slowing of the disease. However, when I prayed for guidance--because ultimately, my desire is to do whatever it is God deems to be according to his desires and plan for me; not my own--he led me to two verses (which I'd not particularly noted before): Hebrews 10:35-36...which say:

So don't throw away that courage of yours, which carries with it such a great reward.  For you need to hold out; so that, by having done what God wills, you may receive what he has promised.

While these verses could be "stretched" to include either of the two options...the word-choice would really seem to indicate a continuation of the current condition in which I find myself: a maintaining and holding out, if you will. While I was not excited to see God evidently showing this angle of preference on his part....I must consider it to be something I must take into consideration.  In fact, his will is not something I would merely "take into consideration."  I want to flat out obey it...because I know that his way is the right way and ultimately the best, most beneficial path for me as well.  How can this be?  Here are a few options: God may decide to glorify himself by healing me in a miraculous way.  Or God may use me in a nursing home as a light bringing honor to him--And I know that in either way, God will receive honor...and I will be rewarded far above and beyond the extent of my suffering once I am at home in Heaven, and God will be present with me and strengthen me to endure--as he has been thus far.

And then my daughter, when I told her of my inclination initially to choose to take the Enbrel, expressed a very obvious hesitation and dismay at that possibility.  I then read to her the verses I just mentioned here and asked her what she thought of them...and her response was also to say that it sounds like God wants me to stay as I am: unmedicated by a biologic.  She said at the conclusion of our conversation, despite the fact that she has not considered herself to be a Christ-follower to this point: that this expression by God was something that must be taken into consideration.

And then tonight, as I was reading my Bible, a verse jumped out at me:

2 Timothy 4:5 NLT

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you.

As I read them, the decision I have to make was not even in my mind.  I wondered at why the verses seemed to have been highlighted in bright colors to me, even though they were not even underlined in my Bible...Then, after considering them for a while, I put them aside...But as my  mind later turned to my decision, suddenly I thought of them again...And whoala! There you have the application and the purpose for which God had made these words leap out at me from the page.

Am I convinced yet?
Wellllll.....honestly, it goes against every single one of my desires.  And all of my common sense.  And every bit of "advice" I've been given....but then the words of Oswald Chambers come immediately to mind:

Always measure your life solely by the standards of Jesus.  Submit yourself to His yoke, and His alone; ....

and

God allows the opinion of other saints to matter to you , and yet you become less and less certain that others really understand the step you are taking.  You have no business trying to find out where God is leading--the only thing God will explain to you is Himself.

Also my words here are NOT meant to indicate that you should do something foolish or risky...but that you must clearly understand the path that God is showing you and have confirmation through his Word and from much prayer.   And you must never confuse your desires with the "will of God."   For example, I personally hate taking medication--of any kind. And were it up to me; I would never swallow another pill again.  However this choice is NOT up to me.  It is a result of a number of illnesses I have which mandate that I take certain meds.  Illnesses such as hypothyroidism and Schizophrenia and hypertension.  Not taking these medicines would result in illness, risk, and discomfort...even worse than the discomfort of swallowing some pills every day.  For example, do you think that God would ever lead an insulin-dependent diabetic to not take his insulin?? NO, Never.The same is true for the illnesses I have ... However, in the case of my PA and the biologics: This was  a choice given to me by my doctor because it bears equal risk for either option.  And this is altogether a different topic than a person with  serious mental illness deciding on their own, to cease to take their medicine. Just as God would never lead a person to leap from a building; he would not lead you to cease to take medicines you need.

I think this post has quite been long enough; don't you??  Please pray for me as I  make my final decision known to the doctor and explain to them the reasons.  Pray that I can use these explanations as a way to give God glory...and that they will be understood.  Be blessed today.

When you Least Expect it; EXPECT it

Yesterday evening a friend of mine surprised me by sending me a FB message asking me if I wanted to go out then for coffee.   Why was that a surprise? Well, for me, it just doesn't happen that I go out in the evening...except maybe in a "month of Sundays."lol.   I was upset at the time just prior to her call....home issues etc. had gotten to me so it was with great relief that I read her message.  To get out of this house that I almost never leave was just what I needed.

Fifteen minutes later I was in her van and we were heading ...where?  We decided to go to a favorite place amongst my friends "nearby" (relatively speaking...in a place where nothing is nearby) and on the way there decided to pull out all the  stops and actually eat dinner there.  So we did.  The restaurant was small, intimate and FULL of people.  Every table was occupied by midway through our meal...And shortly after we'd arrived, I began to be uncomfortable.  A table next to ours was occupied by three individuals, two of them young.  And I definitely felt their eyes on us; on me.  I wondered "What??? What am I doing wrongly?"  I rearranged my sweater which had pulled up a bit in the back...and did my best to eat neatly and to keep my elbows off of the table.  But their eyes were not shifting from me...except when once in a while they would exchange comments with each other which I couldn't quite hear except for an occasional word...And I knew their discussion was about me.

Image: dancingwithfools.wordpress.com

On the other side of our table, seated behind my friend and directly in my line of sight was a late middle-aged couple who was engrossed in conversation for most of the time they were there.  At first I was not worried that they were discussing me; I could hear enough of what they said to know that they weren't.  But during my conversation with my friend (K), I made mention of an area where I'd grown up and described it a bit.  I saw the man's ears visibly perk up as I made mention that it was in a wealthy Jewish neighborhood....He turned and looked at me.  I was talking, by then, about how I'd adapted to that culture and that now it was familiar and comfortable to me, so I knew he couldn't mistake my comment for discriminatory. NO. It had to be something else.... By now he was leaning toward his wife and talking in a lowered tone and both of them made surreptitious glances in my direction.    Could they be people I'd known back then, possibly one of the couples I'd baby sat for?  Their looks toward me were not friendly.  WHAT could they be discussing about me??

As I worried intensely about this, I simultaneously  felt the eyes of the threesome at the other table unswervingly studying me and my level of discomfort rose...as did my panic...to a point that became downright miserable.  I wondered, "Could this be paranoia?"  But I was sure  of what I'd seen and heard ...and there was no escape.  My friend chatted on about her life and I tried to focus on her and on what she was saying and on the food...but suddenly I was not hungry anymore--and the plate was still more than half full.  And try as I might, my attention was fixed on the couple behind her; not on her or her words. (Sorry K.)

Abruptly the strangely silent group of three got up and left the restaurant.  My wonderings about them continued fora few minutes- by now my suppositions were bordering on the (ok--they were already) absurd.  But then my attention was diverted about ten minutes later as the couple in back of K also got up and exited.  My relief was palpable.  And I thought to myself..."See? Those were the only two tables in the restaurant I was worried about...Now I can enjoy myself...If it had been paranoia, I'd be worried about the others here."

I enjoyed myself for maybe 3 minutes when a word from the table to my right caught  my ear.  It was out of context from the rest of the sentence due to my poor hearing...but it was not a flattering word...and I'm sure there was a "she" preceding it.  I raised my eyes and looked at the woman who'd spoken it.  Her eyes were also on me.  We both averted our gazes and once more, the panic rose in me.  Fortunately our meal was about done and we were preparing to leave...I couldn't get out fast enough.  I confessed my attack of paranoia to my friend who understood such things; and told her how miserable I'd been.  She said, "Oh no! I thought you were in pain because you were  quiet."

And in fact; I had been.
Paranoia is a real pain.

I went home, for once glad to be going there and prepared for bed....but I woke an hour after I'd slept...coughing and feeling a familiar burning in my sinuses.  For the rest of the night  I struggled to breathe, asthma acting up as it has been lately, and irritated by a horrible steady post nasal flow from my sinuses.  By morning there was no doubt.  I'm sick again.  Evidently my recent sinus infection was not cured but merely temporarily alleviated by the antibiotics.  It has returned with a vengeance...I should have also heeded a bad rattle and ragged cough I'd had lately...because my chest is involved in it this time.

Paranoia.  Illness.
You'd think I'd learn to recognize them sooner.
You'd think I'd prepare myself against them and take immediate action when they begin to reveal themselves.

But I'd been feeling better lately.  So they blindsided me.
AGAIN.

The Cycle of Humility and Ministry

I know I just already tired your eyes, by my previous post (and maybe tired your patience too)...but I promise this post has a different attitude.  With one small Facebook message: God spoke oceans to me, showed me the selfishness and error of my thinking.

For some time I've been whining to God about my "uselessness" and inability to serve him or serve others...as my friends serve me--by driving people to appointments; cooking for them when they are sick...cleaning their homes when they can't.  I have bucked against the humiliation of having to accept oceans of good from them....and to be able to give nothing back....not even a Christmas gift.

But I just got a FB message from a friend; a family of four who depends on me, on the other side of the world.  She was thanking me and mourning her inability to pay me back in any way.  And God nudged me and said to me, "Sound familiar??"  She sounds just like me...to my friends here.  And she feels useless and helpless in her surroundings too...poverty trapping them like a noose; having been abandoned by a husband, leaving her to care for three children...which in that country is not only social stigma; but really a death sentence.

Four years ago...when she still had a computer...we met on a social website...and quickly became friends.  Her faith in and love for the Lord has spoken to me many times.  Things have continued to spiral down for her: sickness plagues her and her children; her computer is long gone--and thus contact with me has been severely limited....her work has been interrupted often by her illnesses--which means even less for them to eat.

I have been honored and blessed to be able to help them...just a little.   (And I would never ever have told any of you this because I am NOT in anyway trying to toot my own horn....It is essential that I tell you this in order to describe to you the message God just gave me...which I feel may really help some of you)  They have depended on me...JUST AS I HAVE DEPENDED ON MY FRIENDS HERE. And she feels helpless and useless because she cannot pay me back in any way. JUST AS I HAVE FELT HERE WITH MY FRIENDS.

Do you maybe see where I am going with this?

God develops humility in us...by giving us situations of dependence on others (His hands of help and healing --as my church calls it)...and often we cannot do a single thing in return to show our gratitude or thanks other than to simply speak our thanks.

BUT

in other situations God uses US to help someone who also may be unable to pay us back. And He does the same with them....and so on and so on...goes the chain of humility and help.

Are you feeling useless because of your illness or disability?  Think carefully: is there someone who needs you or depends on you?  maybe your children...or an elderly parent??  IF not...if you find that really and truly God is not using you anywhere then please consider opening your eyes to what HE is trying to show you here...and look for opportunities to serve where the other person can do nothing to pay you back.  Maybe that means adopting a child through COMPASSION or through another similar ministry for a small amount each month.  Or if  you truly can't do that...then if you have physical health: maybe you can clear snow from an elderly person's sidewalk and car...without asking for any payment...or picking up groceries from the store for a shut in....or cooking a meal for someone who cannot do it for themselves or donate to a food pantry.

There is ALWAYS a way that God will allow you to be used.  For my friend right now; her ministry is to her three little children who desperately need her.  Keep your eyes open and look for ways to be a ministry to someone.

I was not thinking of my friends across the world who  need me when I was feeling like going belly up and cashing it in...in my prior post.  They DEPEND on me....and for me to hasten my departure from earth before God is done using me would be wrong.  The sense of being USEFUL to God is strong medicine...and  I thank my friend for the dose of it that she gave me this morning.

A Disenchantment with all Things Medical

I've been having a great quandary lately...My health is deteriorating at an alarming rate...It seems like daily there is  a new problem .  And they do not on the surface, appear to be related. I know that this is a source of great bewilderment to my friends at church.  They wonder, "How can so many things be wrong with her?"  I've even stopped updating the prayer chain on the "latest"...It's just too embarrassing.  And I know that they do not understand the medical explanation of it; which is simply: It's all ONE thing !  Every single problem that I have is due to one root cause:  I have  a severely messed up immune system.

My  body is its own worst enemy: or it thinks it is anyway!  My immune system is confused...and thinks that my own cells are invading bacteria and so my immune system is attacking my own cells rather than those bacteria it should be attacking.  My cells are destroying each of my systems one by one. They have attacked the ones in the lungs (thus; the asthma)...they are attacking the ones in my cartilege and synovial linings (thus the arthritis)...they are attacking my spine (the A.S)...They do NOT do the job they are supposed to be doing against infection and bactieria (thus my many illnesses such as pneumonia, endocarditis and cerebral/spinal meningitis etc).

And many of my "smaller" issues-such as anemia- even my hearing loss, are very common to RA and PA.  And every other "little" thing is either due to nerve damage from the meningitis or is the result of the TREATMENTs given to me to treat the other illnesses (the memory loss, the muscle weakness....).  So it all makes complete sense...and at the same time is a medical trainwreck....

All that was the background  you need to know for the real point of this post which is coming...now.

As I said, my body is quickly self-destructing.  No doctor has sat me down and said, "Look, you are not going to have a normal life span."  But it is pretty much quietly understood that all it would take is one good infection. (or bad infection, depending on how you look at it :)  ), or one bad fall to fracture my perilous cervical spine... or one big asthma attack...or one strained blood vessel to burst from my massively out-of-control hypertension...and that would be all she wrote.  I've been walking a tight rope for a while now...and the rope is getting thinner and thinner and I would say now: I'm walking a spider web.  I've dared Death and stared it in the face numerous times already in the past ten years...And thus far God has yanked me back from the edge and saved my butt...JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

I've often wondered what it is that keeps Him from letting me come to His Kingdom...Am I not ready?  Is there something still for me to accomplish or experience here on earth?? (But that is a whole other blog post....)

My question really is: at what point do I say, "Enough is enough."  I'm really ready and willing to go.  I'm in so much pain that I think of Heaven almost constantly.  So Enough doctor appointments.  Enough tests.  Enough procedures.  Just.  Enough.  Let the outcome rest in God's hands.

This week I had a lot of dizziness and double vision.  Which I really think is the result of my newest blood pressure medicine.  And my doctor's office insisted I come in for a visit.  And also go and visit the neurologist.  And the nurse from the insurance company is insisting I go to the ER every time I turn around.  So I let the nurse make the appointment with the covering doc (mine was on vacation)...and then I called up several hours later and canceled the appointment. I also told her I'm NOT going to see a neuro.  I just had a brain-MRI and it was normal...so there is no tumor...nothing there.  (well , there WAS something there...but you know what I mean :)  )  I told her, it's the BP meds.   And then I took myself off of the the offending one...and my symptoms have improved. (of course my BP is probably back up to 220/110)  (and yes, it really was that high)...But do you know that the nurse took it upon herself to make an appointment for me this Monday afternoon without consulting me or telling me about it??  Suddenly I'm getting an automated phone call on Friday reminding me of my appointment on Monday--which I never even knew I had!  Since when is the  decision to see a doctor up to the doctor????  Honestly.  This doctor and I need to have a little talk.

And I intend to do that.  I  intend to tell him of my increasing disenchantment with all things medical.  I intend to tell him of the misery that is my life and that he can stop trying so hard to save it.  And I intend to tell him (gulp) that from now on, I will make my own appointments, thank you.