The Right Hand to Hold

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you. Isa. 41:13

Well, Irene has blown herself right up the coast, and once she passed through our town, I knew nothing else of the damages the rest of the Eastern Seaboard experienced because of us being without power-- until, last night, in a Chinese Restaurant which had a TV playing the horrible news of the latest devastation wreaked by that deluge bearing wench; I got to see the pictures of what this soggy storm had done to states like NJ and Vermont.


As I watched a fresh tidal wave of flooding through the streets of Patterson NJ last night, it was all I could do not to drop to my knees there in the restaurant and thank God for blessing us with a mere 5 days without power, water, internet or telephone....and with only three inches of water on the bottom floor of our home. Not only did He limit the damages for us: He made sure we had "Rising Water" flood insurance...a type of rider which is rare --and for which SO many people are kicking themselves this week for not carrying. Now it's true that we've not yet begun to be able to get started with the real work of cleanup...hopefully that will begin later today...but it has at least gotten in the works.

***********

Tonight I've harbored less than commendable attitudes and feelings. I was just talking to someone on Facebook and found myself spewing self pity and bitterness right and left. And I think this has become a bit of an ugly trend in me....as I think back on other conversations of late. Lord, if there's one thing I've never wanted to be, it's bitter. But how easily this weed grows. A little discontent; A little worry; A little questioning; A little self pity; A little ego; A little fear...All mixed together and out comes: bitterness.

I hate everything that this speaks about me. And I will, you can be sure, asking God to deal with this in me.

Today I had a really really difficult MRI. The position I had to lie in was excruciating. It made me realize that not only is my right shoulder "gone"- destroyed by PA (Psoriatic Arthritis)...but my left is also. And the MRI was to confirm that my left elbow, too, is gone. I'm due imminently to have a right shoulder replacement. And will likely have arthroscopic surgery on my elbow to tide me over until I'm old enough for a replacement (that particular artificial joint does not last too long, so they won't do it on someone as "young" as I). I'm usually really tough about dealing with pain...but this MRI was so bad that it drove me to tears.

And those tears, combined with a basement full of soggy, molding sheet rock and belongings and also some marital issues...got me started on a downhill slide...straight into bitterness. I'm feeling sorry for myself. And worrying about my rather bleak future. And I need to CUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW. I have to look at my blessings. And I have to work on being grateful; not resentful--trusting, rather than fearful. These are not easy things to foster (trust and gratitude) when things are falling apart, are they? But I'm finding that they are critical. Not only for my well being before God; but for maintaining relationships with people.

There are two or three people who I've counted amongst my "good friends" -- who have suddenly become scarce. And I do know why. I've been way too needy; too focused on my own needs and pain. The fact is: when we are needy--God is the resource to whom to go--not your friends. Because with friends, the harder we cling, the further they will withdraw. God, on the other hand, invites us to cling--and to cling hard to Him. This is an incredible thing. Have you ever thought about it? God has never said to anyone, "Hey buck up; Stop being so needy. Have a go at things on your own."
NO! He tells us, "You are wretched, needy and blind" and he wants us to realize it; to know it and to hold fast and tight to him. How awesome this is!! God will never ever reject us for needing him too much. He says "Come to Me all you who labor and are burdened."

So, from now on...when I'm feeling weak, inadequate, poor, and incapable of meeting my own needs (which is all the time)...I'm not leaning on my friends--I'm running for my Daddy.

GIRL, WHO'S YOUR DADDY???

Praise You In This Storm

Praisn' Jesus in the midst of the Storm tonight....

Be Still My Soul by Selah

Selah - You Are My Hiding Place w/ lyrics

This is one of my favorite songs....and now, as we sit and wait for Irene to make her move, It is even more meaningful. Please read the following post , "Where is God in the Path of Irene?" for some of my thoughts right now.

Where is God in the Path of Irene?

I apologize for the silence over the past few days. Honestly, blogging hasn't been large in my list of priorities as we are in the midst of battening down the hatches and buying some supplies for what is likely to be a long couple of days to come. We are right in the middle of the projected path of Hurricane Irene: in the midst of the "red zone" on the Weather Channel's map of her path and the hazardous areas expected to be hit by one of the worst storms in recent history.

Honestly, I don't know how to prepare for this event, other than to make sure I have my prescription medicines for the next week or two and some extra food, flashlights, batteries and water. The entire front of our house is made of glass...high, high, huge windows which would be impossible to board up...We are located in a wooded areas surrounded by trees-which are now growing in a sodden yard following really weeks of rain....just ready to topple I'm sure; any one of them within aim of our house, should they fall. So basically, I've decided that I've done all I can do to prepare--the rest is in God's hands.

Yes, I've prayed that the storm would change course and blow its nasty self right out to sea; but those prayers have left me with some disturbing thoughts: In the paths of Ike; Floyd, and Gloria, were there not people who prayed the same prayers? What makes me think God will here and respond to my prayer when for his own inimitable reasons, he chose to "ignore" the prayers of those folk? Do I believe that there were not any Christians who died; whose homes were not decimated? No. I'm sure Christians suffered right alongside their neighbors.

What about the promises of Psalm 91?

1 The one who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 3 He Himself will deliver you from the hunter's net, from the destructive plague. 4 He will cover you with His feathers; you will take refuge under His wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield. 5 You will not fear the terror of the night, the arrow that flies by day, 6 the plague that stalks in darkness, or the pestilence that ravages at noon. 7 Though a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you. 8 You will only see it with your eyes and witness the punishment of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the Lord-my refuge, the Most High-your dwelling place, 10 no harm will come to you; no plague will come near your tent. 11 For He will give His angels orders concerning you, to protect you in all your ways.
Psalm 91:1-11

Does that promise apply to me and mine; and not to them and theirs or to you and yours??

What about this one found in Isaiah 43:2:

I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and [when you pass] through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you.

Does that mean that I and my house, my friends and my church will be unharmed by this impending disaster?

Honestly, I shrink from the thought of even entertaining these questions. They are hard questions; questions which have rocked the faith of those who have suffered.

A friend of mine yesterday questioned me about some of the difficult and violent verses in the Old Testament saying that, in spite of herself, she was entertaining some doubts about her faith because of them. What kind of a God would do these things? I had to answer her honestly and say: honestly I don't know or understand his reasons for doing them. But I can tell you - through all the promises of Scripture and through every experience of my life: God is a good God. He loves his children deeply. He also is a righteous , holy, and just God. (Note: I said "JUST" not "FAIR"- God does not have to cater to our definition of fairness) He cannot nor will not turn a blind eye to sin...in me or in my neighbor.

If any of you know anything about me, you know that my life has not been, nor is not, an easy one. I have been through one disaster after another, health wise. I've suffered family and marital discord. I deal with pain daily that would level many, many people. So I feel entirely qualified to make a statement like the one I just made.

"What???" you may be wondering. "How could a person who daily experiences suffering like most people will not ever know say that this qualifies them to believe in the goodness of God? Isn't that a bit paradoxical??"

Well, Maybe. But maybe not. I've experienced the depths. And I've found God to be present in every one of them. I've never suffered severe hunger. Never been homeless, despite being very close to it sometimes. But even if I had--and believe me, I personally know believers who have experienced or are now experiencing these things, -- I know for a fact that I would find God there in the midst of that too.

My suffering has taught me a thing or two about this God I serve. And they are best summed up in the words of the song: Blessings by Laura Story. ( Here is a partial quote; for the entire song, search this blog for "Laura Story" and it will take you to the post where I quote them in their entirety:)

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

God has bigger things in mind than my present level of comfort. He is thinking about getting me ready for my home to come in his Kingdom - A place, btw, which is NOT us wearing white gowns, floating on clouds, strumming harps. NO! It is a tangible, real place. A land much like Earth (after all why else would it be called the "NEW EARTH"?)...An Earth as Earth was originally meant to be- before sin brought evil, sickness, suffering and death to it. This will be a place of incredible beauty...a place where we will live and work, laugh and love...and have bodies which will be healthier and stronger than we can even imagine now. Bodies which do not get sick, suffer pain or death. Minds which do not suffer mental illness, rage or depression.

And this place, is really "where it's at." This world here, is a blip on the screen of eternity; but really too, it is the pin on which the pendulum swings. What we do here; how we live here will affect all the rest of our eternity. Thus, God is not too concerned about whether or not we stub our toes, or even whether we suffer mental illness or pain - for these brief seconds. What matters to Him, is that we learn, that He is Good. Trustworthy. Loving. That we learn Patience, Peace, Joy and how to Love. Because, see, we will be needing those qualities in the Kingdom coming.

He has reasons too, which go beyond my wildest understanding. His mind is so far above and beyond my puny one that I do not even dare to ask or tackle the questions which are his domain alone. And I believe that "why me? " is among those questions. Someday-maybe even on this earth--God will give us a peek at those answers. Maybe not til Heaven --and maybe not ever. But the "why me?" is NOT the question you should be asking friends. Because really, "why NOT you??" You are a speck amongst billions: the billions who are on this planet now and who have walked it and will walk it in it's history and future. WHY NOT YOU?
NO, that is not the important question to ask. The important question to ask is this: Who are you, God? Who are you really??

And I truly believe that, it is through difficulty and suffering that we really come face to face with this question. After all, when we are comfortable, isn't it so easy to ignore God? To never think of Him at all? To begin to think that we have it all under control?

NO, When we suffer, to whom do we run? When we are standing in the path of a storm, to whom do we call? (NOT Ghostbusters!!) NO, We run to the God who is in Charge of this erratic, evil-filled mess of an earth. The God who let US run things OUR way for these thousands of years; so that we could see what a mess we've made of the whole business--before He steps in and shows us how it's really done!! And don't we take this method with training our own kids? Sometimes we have to let them try and fail before they are willing enough and humble enough to let us show them that WE really DO know better and we can SHOW them how to do it right!

I've learned that God sometimes has some really good--and really hard--lessons to teach me --wrapped in the wrappings of suffering and pain. And first and foremost is this: God is Good. He loves me and everything he does or allows is ultimately in my best interest because I am his child--(if you are not yet his child, you must first address that issue)--He is trustworthy at ALL times. And he is always there with an open ear and a heart that loves me incredibly. Deeply.

Acuity and Perspicacity

I just completed the two chapters of my book which deal with my first psychosis, depression and and the subsequent hospitalization. Finding myself divorced emotionally from it, which probably isn't a good thing for the book....but may be essential to my continued sanity.
I am wondering if everyone has such clear recollection of "their first time" (no, not that first time...their first admission to a psych ward, of course!) And of course that "everyone" is only referring to the "select" who have indeed experienced such a thing. For the rest of you, that experience may be neatly tucked into your future ! Now there's a sobering thought for you!

I've had well over - ahem: *mumbles into hand*- thirty hospitalizations - and to be honest, there are several...yeah...maybe more than several ....which I don't recall at all. And there are none which I can describe to you with any descriptive clarity, except for my first one. Why is this I wonder? I think it may be a multi-sided answer: 1) because my mind was not yet dulled by years of mental illness and because 2) it was so very new and very traumatic for me. OH and let's not forget #3: I was young and my brain had not yet atrophied into extinction.

So, writing about it has been hard - in a removed, analytical kind of way. And also been hard because I recall my feelings of the time in a descriptive sense....but not in an experiential sense...Which is probably a good thing....because if I experienced that hell of a deep depression again...I don't know what I'd do.

In fact, that is a true - and curious - thing. I've spent most of my life cycling in and out of deep despair. ... And it is with an odd jolt to realize that I haven't feel that "deeply" about anything for a least a year...and definitely longer, come to think of it. Since - I've been on mood stabilizers and antidepressants, naturally. Now one would think that this can only be a good thing, right?

But you know: I miss the intensity of experience that those times brought. To feel anything so profoundly seems to be impossible to me now.
I don' t know.
Just another reason to hate that handful of pills I swallow twice a day.

I know that that sounds weird... it's just that I used to feel pathos and beauty with an intensity that could rip my soul apart...and out would leak poetry. I haven't written a poem for close to a year....and nothing good for longer. that's because I haven't felt anything much for that long.

This begs the question: Can this book be written on the basis of intellectual recollection? There is also the danger, that, were I to actually relive some of those feelings, I would rapidly find myself describing a hospital stay in present tense - from a live model. So maybe a distant heart is not all that bad.

Do all writer's wonder about these things? (well, not about the psych hospital....but about the intensity or lack of it that comes with the dilution of time and recall....) Or are other writers in complete control of their mental acuity and perspicacity ( ooh, great word, Cyn!)...? Somehow ...I think not.....

Free?

Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard
And I'll fail
This is how it's been

"Free" by Ginny Owens

The past several days have been difficult. I have been finding myself spread thin between that which I should and that which is possible....Those two categories have seemed to be quite a push-me; pull-you ride as I've been struggling to get onto the right track and in a good rhythm of writing, learning, and also fulfilling my life's normal obligations--and lastly - and firstly - dealing with the most overwhelming, most limiting fact of my life: Pain. Or maybe I should write it like this: PAIN!!!!

Everything I do must be weighed against the pain scale within which I function...On that 1-10 scale, with which you are familiar if you've been in the hospital or if you've ever suffered any kind of noteworthy pain, my numbers are always with in the 7-11 range and lately seem to have been at the upper end of what is even conceivable.
I've written about pain before. Just take everything I've written in the past and magnify it by about 5 and you'll have some idea
So that adds "some" stress.'

The fact that I've been, now, four nights with an hour or less of sleep; that too adds stress.
The fact that I've encountered my first wall in writing: a problem chapter which I've written and re-written taking four different approaches; none of which seem "right"--that adds a bit of stress...Not because it's such an irresolvable problem..but because of the doubts it raises about my ability to carry this project to fruition that it raises to shriek in my brain.

And all of this leads me to wonder "What is my problem?" Why can't anything- just for once - be easy? Well, to be honest, it was fairly easy for me to interest a publisher, compared to the difficulty some others have...so there was my "moment of ease." I guess we tend, as in everything else, to focus on the negative. "making big deals out of small ones; bearing blessings as though they're burdens.." I think Ginny Owens was my twin and we got separated at birth somehow! That is not the only song of hers I so fully identify with. The other one, quite ironically (considering all the complaining I've been doing here) is "If You want me to" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw ) where Ginny writes and sings of her submission to God's plan for her life; even when the going gets hard. (Ginny herself is blind).

The title of the song I quoted at the beginning (and of this blog post) is "Free" which may seem a bit out of place when I've been talking about areas of difficulty or limitation in my life right now. But I was thinking about John 8:36 which says that "Therefore if the Son makes you free; you are free indeed." Where it counts; I am free. I may be snarled in circumstance...but I'm no longer a slave to sin or it's consequences. I may struggle with an uncooperative, hurting body right now; but you know what? Death doesn't own it. Death doesn't mean to me what it means to most of the people who may read this blog. Death for me, is only a gateway to something wonderful which will last forever!!

So really, when momentary frustration comes; even when pain comes that limits my world--I have very little cause to complain or to be "thrown"--I'm held in the hands of the only One who has the power to make me free....not only does he have to ability to do this; he's fully committed to doing it---to the point where he died to do it; He has promised to bring it to pass, that which he's already guaranteed....So all these things : even things like Health and my book--are tiny incidentals. They are not pivotal in my world. And as such, they hold no power to rock my world either.

Why "Treasures from Darkness"?

This quotation is from Isaiah 45: 2, 3

2 This is what the LORD says: "I will go before you, Cyrus, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. 3 And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness -- secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

The reason I have chosen the name for my blog and for my tiny ministry to be "Treasures from Darkness" is because of this verse and because of the significance this verse has held and continues to hold in my life. My life has not been easy--it has been filled with darkness; darkness caused by severe mental illness in the form of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder of the depressive type...There were months, in fact , years, when I was locked in an inexorable dark depression that was so deep I could not function, eat, sleep or even talk. There have been many times when in the confusion of psychosis, I've attempted to end my life and have spent a total of many years locked up in psychiatric hospitals, often in restraints there and so "insane" that the "me" whom you and my acquaintances know, was nowhere to be found.

And then too, there has been masses of physical suffering. I had my first back surgery - the first of a total of six - when I was 25, after a year of being bedridden by insufferable pain due to a severe back injury. This pain has haunted me through out my life, as disc after disc has collapsed and degenerated putting pressure onto nerve roots in my spinal column. And now, in addition to three more of these degenerations, my spine has been decimated by Psoriatic arthritis and the spinal cord and all of the nerves growing out of it, are being compressed and slowly pinched off and flattened by the encroachment of this disease.

I've been at death's door from asthma, spinal meningitis, pneumonia more than once, endocarditis, and MRSA....I've had three hip replacement surgeries and soon will have a shoulder replaced. Shall I go on?? I could!

You see, I am well acquainted with darkness. It is something that daily I must struggle with and hold at bay. And yet, through these harbingers of darkness in my life, I have come to know the Lord my God in a way that I don't think many people who have not suffered can know him. When I am lying frozen in pain, not even able to breathe because of its severity--and I whisper his Name...he never ever fails to answer and to be nearby. When Death stalks the room, I am held secure in the grip of the God of Israel who loves and cares for me.

I am not the most patient person in the world, but I'm a heck of a lot more patient than I would be had I not had to struggle with the difficulties that I've had. I am more empathetic also than I was. And my faith has grown in ways that only a faith tried by fire can.

Even this past weekend, while I was at the Writers' Conference, the enemy of my soul lurked and stalked, whispering to me that I am not good enough, not experienced enough, not mentally able nor physically able to pull of the writing of a book that was not laughable. He had me in a state of near panic as I was an hour away from my first appointment with an editor. Then, cutting through those dark thoughts, like a sabre, came the voice of my Friend who whispered to me, "Come away beloved, come outside and talk with me."

So I wheeled my chair out into the bright warm Philadelphia sunshine and there, on a walk way, alone, my God had a talk with me. He told me to read these verses, Isa. 45:2-3, which I did...and I began to see that God had placed a calling on Cyrus, a totally unlikely candidate to be used and then blessed by God, because he was a foreign king, who did not know or worship the God of Israel. Yet God was going to give him a job to carry out, and along with the commission came promises of empowerment and protection...and then one of Great Reward...Why? Just to get the job done? NO, anyone could have done God's work for him. God did it so that Cyrus would get to know, who it was with whom he was dealing; the one true God. And this God wanted to have a relationship with Cyrus.

Then God told me to read the whole chapter. God scolds Cyrus for not believing in his ability to carry out the task; for despising the way he was made - perhaps he had some kind of disability which he felt would hinder him. It is not up to US to decide whether or not we will carry out the will of God or whether or not we will accept his commission and call on our lives. If we are called; then we are empowered; and after we've been obedient and gotten to see God go to work on our behalf; we will see great reward; even if it is "only" the treasure of "secret places" and not overt wealth.

And this has been so true in my life. And it was to prove true to me this past weekend. This was my very first "pitch" of my manuscript to an editor....And he WANTED it! He wants to publish it! How very amazing is the Lord of Israel! You'd think I would have learned by that.
But once again at home I was again beset by doubts and the knowledge of my paltry insufficient resources to get this job done. What??? Did you hear that??? Me, a commissioned daughter of the King of all things, is worried about not having resources! Oh Lord, forgive me for my doubts and fears....go with me, cut through these iron bars and gates of bronze. Help me to accomplish what you've given me to do. And I know, O God that you will be faithful to carry through with your end of the promise.

Anyway...this is MY experience with God's unexpected and unlikely treasures that he wreaks from the suffering and hardships of our lives. What about it? What has been your darkness and have you encountered yet, the treasure God has promised?

"Who's your Daddy!"

It certainly is true that with every victory we attain for the purpose of Christ and advancing the gospel; or every victory in terms of gains in our personal life, success and character where we find encouragement--the enemy of our souls is right there with an attack of equal or greater proportions...blatant in his desire to see us leveled and back in the "Slough of Despond" where Christian found himself to be in Pilgrim's Progress.

I confess, coming home high, (and okay, maybe too high) from the victory and glorious time I'd had at the Philly Christian Writers' Conference; I was slammed in the face by a two tailed monster upon my return to home base. Here I found my family in complete turmoil and in the morass of negative emotions, which of course immediately, they sought to embroil me within...I was also in a weakened place physically - begin completely exhausted and drained by severe, severe pain; finding myself unable to even get out of the car once we arrived at home. I determined then to not deal with any family issue until I'd slept and slept well.

So sleep I did, for about 48 hours straight....waking at one or two points to be engulfed at once by the Enemy's dragon tail lash of discouragement and terror. Terror, as I realized the enormity of the task before me; in organization, writing, research, record keeping, learning many new things, networking, FUNDING said ventures, financial record keeping and tax declarations; all of which come hand in glove with this new "career" upon which threshold I teeter. And discouragement followed close at bay with the knowledge that I am in a life and death struggle to keep my own sanity in clear view through out any given day. This struggle takes all of my energy...all of my focus,...and pain sucks up every iota of strength and endurance I own.

I cannot do this task alone.
And I do not have the funds to pay others to come alongside and help.
I cannot afford to pay for a personal assistant which most surely I will need, even if just to handle the straightforward tasks of keeping my papers in order and a filing system of some kind going so that nothing of import gets lost.
I do not have the money to pay for a mentor's services....for a seasoned writer to offer advice and show me the ropes.
And I'm not even sure that I have the clarity of mind to write a manuscript that is cogent and sane enough to bear reading by the generally sane public. (okay, maybe that is a euphemistic portrayal of those who will read., but hey, always think the best, right?)

Yes, folks, to progress with this task will take more resources than I currently have at hand. And thus I need: a MIRACLE.

It was already a miracle for a relatively unpublished writer to land an interested publisher on what was really my first serious pitch....So cannot God miraculously provide for my other needs?? Of course he can...

In my moments of tired despair, in between hours of sandwiched sleep, I'd lost sight of the power and willingness of God to come "riding the winds" to my aid. I forgot that he "owns the cattle on a thousand hills" and that my few paltry outstanding bills are small change in his economy. I forgot that he, unlike most of the countries in the Western Hemisphere, is NOT in an economic pinch or crisis...that he is as wealthy as he ever was (Praise God!)...I forgot that which he desires-SHALL GO FORTH AND SHALL COME TO PASS despite any obstacle or hardship thrown in its path by the enemy. Who is it that I serve??
Not some weak, fallible human with skimpy resources and limited willingness to come to my aid. NO! I serve the Lord, King of Heaven's Armies who is not limited, weak or unwilling nor poor. And HE will BRING IT TO PASS....if it is his purpose to do so...And if not, then it will fall by the wayside and not be missed. Help me Father to trust in your loving strong hand.

"Girl, Who's your Daddy!"

EXCITING NEWS UPDATE:

....I'm so excited to share with you the results of my past two days spent at the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference! It was a challenging, learning-packed two days; chock full of information; meeting wonderful, loving, people who are committed to the purpose of 'Writing HIS Answers" to our wounded and bleeding culture and in a wounded and bleeding world. And not only were they committed to loving the world, they were committed to loving me and each other.

I attended the conference in a wheelchair....and was in so much pain for the latter half of the time there...that I couldn't function. These people, one by one, came alongside me...pushed my wheelchair from meeting to meeting, carried my meal trays...even carried my bags, and gave me back rubs. The drove me from dorm to meeting...and back. They blessed me over and over with the fragrance of the love of Christ. And I want to thank you....if you are one of those angels who attending this weekend who ministered to me!

And I have exciting , news! I had three appointments with editors and professionals in the field. The first two were incredibly encouraging and supportive of my efforts, manuscript and ministry.... And the third appointment, literally taking place in the last fifteen minutes that I was on campus there at Philadelphia Bible College....was interested. Supportive. Curious. And wants my manuscript! I have six months in which to hand them a publication ready manuscript.

Praise Jesus--
I can become an author!

I cannot express to you what a victory this is for me--a "hopelessly ill" schizophrenic woman, whose doctor two years ago wanted to toss her into a state psychiatric institution and throw away the key! Praise God--He DOES NOT THROW AWAY PEOPLE!

Please stay tuned with me for the months ahead. I have much to learn and a short time in which to learn it and much work to do in order to get this book into print.

Thank YOU all for the role you've played in encouraging me merely by your presence here as readers of my blog. You have shown me by your interest, the need for this blog and the need for this book...Blessings to you all.

In great joy and gratitude....
Cynthia

My Treasure from my Darkness

Tonight at our home Bible Study the leader's wife played this song for us to listen to....By Laura Story this is "Blessing Song"s lyrics:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

As I listened to these beautiful words, I began to sob (yes, In Front Of Everyone) ...This song, my friends, expresses the heart of what this blog, my message to the world, is about. It is MY Story. These are the things God has taught me through unbearable suffering. Rejoice with me in God our Savior...in spite of, in the face of , BECAUSE of our suffering, whatever that suffering may be for you. We all have them: prayers that God doesn't seem to answer...But sometimes the "answer" is in his silence. Sometimes the blessing is in our pain. This is the Treasure we may walk away from our Darkness carrying: a deeper, truer view of a loving GOOD God. Who always knows a better way to where we are going than we do.

Treasures from Darkness- the BOOK!

Hi,
For those of you who don't know this: I have been working on a book manuscript by the same title as this blog (at least that is the working title). And it is at last, finished! (At least as finished as it can be before an Editor gets a hold of it ...lol) And it is my intent to try to find a publishing house that is willing to take this book on as a project and put it into print. Why am I telling you this? To ask you to please pray that this endeavor to be published will be successful...

I'm even going to give you a sneak preview of the prologue....so hang onto your seats...here it is:

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“What do you call ECT for someone who's bananas?”

“I don' t know. What??” Said the tall, stern but very handsome man who held the keys with one hand and my elbow with the other as he guided me through a seemingly endless maze of corridors and offices.

“Shock the monkey”

I spoke these unlikely words and got the result I wanted. The young man burst out into laughter and said, “Well, Cynthia , you certainly haven't lost your sense of humor.”

My words were unlikely because - not only were they a bit 'unusual' – they were completely not in the range of what one would anticipate a depressed and extremely psychotic woman to say. I rarely interacted in any meaningful way with the staff, being much more likely to hurl a chair at their heads (yes, I really did that), than to converse with them.

Truth was, I was scared.

I was on my way to my first session of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) – a treatment which used to be referred to as “shock therapy” had now been given a much more civilized nomenclature to mask the violence of what my brain was about to undergo.

When I arrived at the treatment room I was instructed to take a paper bag and to write my name on it; then to place my slippers into it. I then sat for an agonizing wait of several minutes while the nurse took my vital signs and explained to me what was about to happen to me. Finally I was ushered into a room and placed on a stretcher. Restraining bands were secured over me “For your safety” - but this didn't bother me much; by then I was pretty used to being restrained. I then was wheeled into an operating room, unlike any I'd ever been in before. There were maybe ten cubicles, each completely curtained to shield the inhabitants from my curious and worried eyes. Occasionally there would be a loud buzzing sound which lasted a minute or so...a sound that sent chills down my spine....

The nurse kindly explained what they were about to do to me. She told me that they were going to put me to sleep for the procedure. And that when I woke, I would likely be disoriented and have trouble recalling things..but that “Those memories will return in a short while following the treatment.” On the table in the procedure room was a bite plate, made of rubber like that used by boxers to keep their teeth from being knocked from their head. And then the nurse rubbed some gel onto my scalp close to my temples and attached the leads to it. Then a doctor entered the room, and with a foreign accent explained to me that I was about to be put to sleep. The doctor injected a clear fluid into the IV that had been placed in my hand and the next thing I knew....

*********************

I opened my eyes to find that I had not a single idea where I was or even WHO I was. This lack of personhood was to me, the most terrifying thing of all. I had no identity...No knowledge of past or present other than what I saw before my eyes...which was women and men in OR garb leaning over the place where I laid ...Panicked, I leaped from the gurney only to find myself being held back and laid down again by gentle but firm hands.

“Cynthia, You just had a treatment called ECT, You are in a psychiatric hospital and we are trying to make you feel better. Just wait a little while and it will all come back to you. Would you like some juice or coffee and a roll?”

Just then my desire for exactly that had hit me as I had not been allowed to eat since dinner the night before...and it was now....2:00!! How had it gotten so late in the day? What had happened before?

I laid back sipping my coffee, for once passive and cooperative, and still terribly confused about...well, : everything. As I laid for the mandatory recovery period of time I wracked my befuddled brain ...Where did I live? Why was I here? Who did I live with?

Those memories and answers were very slow in returning ..and I found that many of them never would return. As my husband and daughter walked toward me later in the day, a faint sense of familiarity stirred in me. I knew I should know them...but who the heck were they? As it became apparent to them that I did not recall their names, my daughter's face became crestfallen: sad, and a bit angry. How could I , her mom, not know who she was? Somehow, in her teenage mind, this was my fault...and not the fault of the doctors who had zapped my brain into this oblivion.....

.

That's it. That's all you're getting...If I'm successful at my project and this manuscript becomes a book, I will certainly provide you with the necessary information so that you may purchase a copy and find out WHAT HAPPENS NEXT???

Dark Places

I was just reading a blog by a friend of mine, Jeff. ( http://tobethydwelling.blogspot.com ) and hidden there in the midst of his thought was this gem:

"I learn best in the dark it seems... He never takes me too far from where he first lifted me."

And that struck me right between eyes. Today I've been confronted with bad news: A hard reality that is soon going to be an immensely difficult reality to endure. And I admit, the thought crossed my mind, "AGAIN LORD??? You don't ever give me a break, do you??" Dark Places. My life is composed of a montage of dark and darker places. And yet through that darkness cuts the pure beam of his Presence - and what does it say? "In his presence is joy"

PS 16:11: "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." ESV

Joy is something that is a bit mysterious....It is not at all like what we commonly mix it up to mean. It is NOT happiness. The way I define it for myself is that it is "the consequence or product of Peace, mixed with HOPE." Joy is something that , if we love the Lord and dwell in his love, should NEVER leave us, despite an absence of comfort or happiness. It is not a feeling. It is a dwelling place. A place of existing. A place of rest. It is being held in the arms of your Beloved, knowing that the future is secure and holds "pleasures forevermore"--even though at that moment you have pain and suffer loss, it is undisturbed at its core...because we are held tight in the grip of the One who Loves us, who has gone before us.

I've been in some dark places:

...places that are maybe incomprehensible to you folk who have never suffered from mental illness or severe depression.
The good news about this phrase is that if you tweak it a bit, it is still just as true:

I've never been in a dark place, far from where God will lift me up.

He's there. He's HERE, waiting in the wings for the moment that I should call out to him. Perhaps we have so many dark places because we wait until we're totally blinded - or blindsided - before we will call out to him for his arms to lift us. Maybe you don't know that you're being lifted unless you are in the depths. And what IS darkness, except blindness to the LIGHT. The light is here...just sometimes I focus on the sadness, difficulty and loss and lose sight of all but that darkness. Joy is knowing the Light is not far off...and neither are those everlasting arms or their embrace.

“There is none like the God of Jeshurun,
Who rides the heavens to your help,
And through the skies in His majesty.
“The eternal God is a dwelling place,
And underneath are the everlasting arms;
Deut. 33:26-27

Rules of Blogging

-NEVER write posts when you're : tired, hungry, angry, lonely, hurting, (And yes, AA stole this rule from me...!)

-And when you DO write a post in one of these states, make SURE you don't publish it immediately...but let it sit for at least twelve hours while you sleep, eat, vent, call a friend, or take a pill....and THEN, and only then, look it over and reconsider. Chances are, you will pitch the thing in the recycle bin and start fresh.

Those are just two rules of blogging...the two which are relevant to me at the moment because if you were unlucky enough to read this morning's post which prematurely graced the lead spot in this blog lineup....you would see that I resoundingly broke that rule all to smithereens by writing a post in the middle of last night when I was all FIVE of those conditions simultaneously. And I broke the cardinal rule...I pushed the "Post" button WAY before it should have been pushed...in fact it NEVER should have been pushed.

Legitimate or not as my points were...they were most likely coming from left field for all of you nice folks because you didn't know what spawned that particular rant....and I'm sure you were all just left wondering: "Did she just really lose it, once and for all? And are the men in the white suits on their way to her house now....with a really comfortable bed for her to take a llllooonng rest in?" So rather than going through a long (painful) explanation of a post which never should have made it to the blog in the first place...I just pulled it. Sorry if that caused any confusion for anyone.

And I also apologize for and retract any statements I made which might have been out of line. And if you have any dirty socks you would like me to wash out in penance...send me an email...but DON'T send me your socks.

OK...corny. i KNOW!