Paranoia Self-Destroyer

Last night ....the memory of it at the end of this day of sun-drenched sand, umbrellas and beach chairs seems unreal and other worldly; the scent of coconut tanning oil oddly conflicts with the scent of the terror and the pounding of my heart in my ears last night.

In the afternoon...I went online and opened an email message...and my computer froze. I logged off (cntrl; alt; delete)...and then reopened my Firefox to try again. All was well, until I again opened Gmail...instantly my entire browser froze....and Firefox crashed. I realized that it had somehow gotten corrupted and most likely via Google. I uninstalled it and tried to open it in Explorer....Same thing. Explorer now crashed as well. I reinstalled Firefox and went into my settings on Google. I thought about the stranger who'd begun to follow me on Google+ who'd sent me the odd "joke" which ended with the words, "BE WARNED"....I reasoned to myself , that this man had somehow infiltrated my Google account and stolen my password and then corrupted my browser. Why me? A shiver of fear ran down my spine.

That night my family all went out leaving me in the house alone. I laid on my bed, reading with my bedroom windows open, hoping for a small breeze....and I heard footsteps on my deck. Not the sure footsteps of a visitor...but slow furtive ones...ones which were attempted to be silent and unheard. But I heard them. Clearly. I look out the window at the small section of deck that was viewable from my window...No one. Again I heard the footsteps. I carefully, quietly opened my bedroom door and with the phone in my hand, ready to call 911, with heart pounding, tip toed into the darkened living room and quietly approached our front window....which extends the length and height of our house and is covered inside by long vertical blinds. I peeked out onto the deck and did not see anyone. Just then, our motion sensor deck porch light went on but where ever he was...I could not see him.

"RELAX" I commanded myself. "There MUST be a logical explanation." Yeah. Like the guy who'd broken into our house and against whom my daughter testified in court just the other day, describing how he'd attacked and beaten her up in a struggle....well this dude had obviously come back to finish the job. I became frantic. I kept hearing the footsteps...traveling the length of the deck and back. Hurried, terse and nervous steps...or furtive tiptoes...the steps altered in sound but persisted...Yet, NOT a single person was in view. Finally I picked up the phone nad put it on speaker phone to dial...I dialed the emergency hub number for the 911 of our local area....And did not push "send" I spoke quietly...but loudly enough for the skulking man on our deck to clearly hear me ....I "reported" the intruder...and I hear, with gratitude frantic, hurried steps descending our steps and the sound of a car tearing away from the front of our house...and as he' d passed our motion sensor.., once again the light glared. I tried to catch a glimpse of the fleeing man from my window but once more, failed to do so.

I laid down and attempted to sleep. Sleep was fitful and broken...and lasted exactly two hours before I got up and gave up the idea of sleep for the night. I opened my email. There was a comment on my blog post, "When your friend commits Suicide"...and I read the message with growing horror. It was a letter written by a desperate person. A desperate suicidal person who reported multiple attempts on their life in the past week and a clear threat to finally succeed. There was an email address, name and a website. Foolishly, I clicked on the website...worried for the person who seemed to be in such great pain. Suddenly , my worry became for myself. The website was full of Script commands...and appeared to be some kind of virus or such thing. I quickly shut it and deleted the email which contained it. I started to switch to my Google account to try to report the email but then realized the need to empty the trash which now contained the corrupt email.

I returned to my Google email and opened the trash. I looked for the offending letter and it was GONE. Could it have gone straight into the brain of my computer ? Was the hacker even now reading my information? Ready to go and empty my bank account?? Panic hit me,...Hard, like a freight train. My hands were ice cold. And Sweat beaded my lip.... Quickly I went onto Google's help desk and reported the hacker ...in a letter that reeked of panic and fear I pleaded with someone to help me to stop the advances of this malignant hacker/stalker...In complete terror, I suddenly heard, once again, the return of the deck -treader... Sneaking up the steps...God knows what he's going to do.

Inexplicably..I felt that if I could mitigate the damage online he could do to me, that somehow this too would keep me safe from the intruder on my deck. I sprang into action. Deleted my Google+ account. Changed Google's password, Then went to work on my email. I copied my contact list, pasted it into a document...and then deleted every contact from Gmail. I deleted every single email from years back until now. Working at a panic pace. Breathing quickly and hard. Fearful gasps , really. I was shaking with terror. Then having done all I could do , including changing a bunch of setting s for Google mail as well.... I completely signed off and shut the computer down...I put it down fast as though it would bite me and sat down, hearing the footsteps coming closer and closer.

I can't stand it. I am going to have a heart attack from terror.

I thought of one more thing I ought to have done...but I was too fearful that my computer would erupt into flame or something equally dramatic and equally absurd.... I went into the living room and , without turning the light on , turned on the PC and signed into Google. I deleted the secondary email for the account and then went to that email's site to make sure it had not also been corrupted. AS I opened the email...I saw with disbelief the email that had initially caused the panic. that meant that the comment on the blog was for my OTHER blog...both of which had run the article in question. And THAT meant...that I'd just decimated my Google accounts FOR NOTHING. The spam filter had already snatched that comment and thrown it in the spam file where it belonged. IT WAS A SPAM MESSAGE. THAT'S ALL ,...NOTHING MORE. There was no hacker. no attack on my computer. NO ONE ON MY PORCH.

I sat there torn between disbelief. Feeling foolish. And feeling amazement at the level of paranoia I'd just displayed. And terror and now had terror that my psychosis is once more on the move. And that it would soon engulf me in a whole world of fear and insanity....like I'd been through last night.

I refuse to go back onto the other psych meds...which had made me fat; which had totally drained every drop of motivation and energy from my body. I refuse to go back into the hospital. I refuse to go into the state institution that I'd so narrowly escaped last time..and which had been promised to me to be the next step .... God, I'm so afraid.

All Guest Posts are NOW POSTED

Hi!
In case you missed the fact that I've written a few blog posts lately for some other bloggers...Please click on the following links to read these articles and to support both the other bloggers, who were kind enough to ask me to write for them, and myself....

Lost and Found is my story found on: Cindy M. Jones' Blog -Living with Purpose:
http://www.cindymjones.com/2011/07/treasures-from-darkness-lost-and-found.html

and on BerryMorins Bits and Tips: is a three part series on the topic of suffering and marriage:

Part One: http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasure-from-darkness.html

Part Two: http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasures-from-darkness.html

And Part Three- Advice for the Spouse of the Suffering One-- http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasures-from-darkness_28.html

And Last but not Least (what a cliche!): On the blog- A Disposable Woman - is a post called PsA, the Cross, and Me, on my struggle with chronic pain and Psoriatic Arthritis: http://4disposablewomen.blogspot.com/2011/07/treasure-thursday-cynthia-lott-vogel.html


Feel free to comment, but please comment on the hosting bloggers' sites and I will respond there...thanks.

And here is a piece of exciting news:
Next week Treasures from Darkness will host its very first guest blogger as Shari will be writing for us, sharing the story of her pain and its effects on her family and how her family's response affected her.

A Disposable Woman: Guest Blog

God has blessed me with another opportunity to guest blog , this time at a site called "A Disposable Woman." In this post I tell the story of my "adventures" with Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA). It has some photos also. Please pay this blog a visit and show them your support...Thanks.
Here is the Link: http://4disposablewomen.blogspot.com/2011/07/treasure-thursday-cynthia-lott-vogel.html

Blessings!
Cynthia

It's Official!

After dreaming of going to another Greater Philadelphia Christian Writers' Conference for two years...Since the closing ceremonies of the one I attended two years ago....I've thought "I wonder if I'll ever be able to attend another one.?" Last year was a loss, having just been discharged from the hospital following hip replacement surgery... And considering how my pain levels have been since then, I really thought I'd never be able to go again...Plus, my "ride" to Philly was an elderly writer and his wife who used to attend our church...and he's had two strokes and is no longer able to travel. So that was that.

And then I got a letter from the organizer and director of the GPCWC offering me a great break on the price... But how to get there??
Suddenly I had a brainstorm...My daughter had recently gone into Philly with her boyfriend who lives not to far out side of it...And said boyfriend is almost always at our house! But thinks nothing of driving there. So I was a really rude person and asked him if he would drive me there. And he said "sure!"

One more problem though...I still have a lot of trouble walking and if you look at the walkway in the pics which are included...You 'll see why I'm worried. That is the walk between the dorm and the rest of the campus...LONG and UPHILL. Plus, how could I ever tolerate sitting in those college desk/chairs?? I would be howling within minutes. So ? Brainstorm #2.: Take wheelchair with my seat pads and neck rests and lots of cushions...and it wouldn't be too bad! I'd always have a seat. And I wouldn't have to climb that walkway! So I told the director I'd be coming in a wheelchair...and that got me a private room with a private bath! And THAT took care of another problem...I snore horribly...due to a bad case of sleep apnea. And NO ONE could stand to room with me...two years ago, my bipap broke in the middle of the night and my symphony began. My roommate left in search of a couch. and the next day packed her bags ...and very politely told me "sorry , but I need to sleep"

Well, I didn't want that to happen to anyone again...and NOW it WON'T.

So nothing left to do but to submit my registration online...and I'm IN! LOOK out Philly here I come!

But I am, on the other hand, terrified...
I rarely leave my house. And almost never am alone in a place full of strangers. And I wonder if the old paranoia that strikes me often in shopping malls, will there too , make it's appearance. And will I remember the things I need to remember?...without any prompts from anyone? And what if... And what if.....?

just suck it up and deal.
I know it could be GREAT or it could be a living hell. And the direction it goes in does not fall within my powers of control. So if I can't control it, why worry about it? It will be what it will be. Just leave it in God's hands. duh. And remember:He will go before me and follow after me as well. He will hold my hand to keep me from stumbling. He is my healer and deliverer. He will never leave me nor forsake me. "So why are you giving it a second thought??"

Bits and Tips on Suffering

PLEASE NOTICE THAT EACH TIME A NEW SEGMENT POSTS, I AM ADDING THE LINK TO THIS ARTICLE.

I just want to announce the unveiling today of a guest post that I wrote for BerryMorins Bits and Tips Blog here: http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasure-from-darkness.html

It's a series of three...today is a series of ten things which suffering has taught me...really these are my greatest 'TREASURES I've mined from the DARKNESS. Take a look and see what God can do in the midst of pain.

The second part of the post will be a list of ten "tips" for the person who suffers -regarding their marriage...As a person who has been married for 22 years and has a husband who must deal with my suffering as much as I do....I am qualified to say that Marriage to a sufferer holds many many challenges...Here is the advice I, a sufferer , would give to the sufferer trying to live with their spouse and to maintain a relationship and sanity despite it. Here is the LINK for this segment: http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasures-from-darkness.html

Part three is advice I would give to the sufferer's spouse in regard to their marriage...Come and see, in a few days...what God has been showing me about how to save a faltering marriage...crippled by suffering. Here is the link for Part 3: http://berrymorinbits.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-blogger-treasures-from-darkness_28.html

And I would sincerely like to thank the author of this blog (Bits and Tips) for giving me the opportunity to post on her blog...
Blessings!
Cynthia

If You Only Knew...

“...If you only knew the gift God has waiting for you

and you knew who you are speaking to; you would ask ME

and I would give you living water....” John 4:10

God has me where he wants me: DESPAIRING...

...of my ability to act in a manner that consistently pleases him by my "good behavior."

Today as I read in John 4 verse 10, things began to click for me...

When Jesus asked the woman for a drink, the woman recognized her unworthiness and inadequacy (as least as her times perceived her to be) both as a woman and as a Samaritan...( a despised group) and she answered him “....How can I, a Samaritan, give you a drink??” In other words it's as if she was feeling like I've been feeling: sinful, stuck in bad habits, and unworthy...

And Jesus' answer does not at first appear to answer her question....He speaks the words in the above verse...

But He did answer her question!

Look again.

Our KNOWING HIM...and being filled with that LIVING WATER satisfies Jesus' thirst for relationship with us....and I know that is what I need.. My soul is thirsty...And yes, I am more and more recognizing my complete inadequacy to meet that thirst myself...

“Then you would ask me....”

So I'm asking you Lord - in complete need - with a parched dry soul..."Do the same in me: reveal yourself to me...help me to really truly KNOW you, then flood me with that Living Water, your Spirit.

I want you to smile and say to the saints surrounding you “Ahhh, I have food and drink that you have no idea about.”

I Promise....

....This will be the last blog re-design for a while... I know you hardly know if you're on the right page or not! Well, get comfortable with this one...I"ll keep it for some time.
.....Please let me know what you think of it!

Sleep Habits and Mental Illness

Like any other disease, mental illness can result in changes or abnormalities in the sleep habits and patterns of sufferers. Obviously with sleep, there is one of only three possibilities for a person:
1- They sleep normally
2- They sleep way too much, with difficulty in waking -- or
3- They do not sleep enough.

Being a person in category #3, I can say, with authority, that there is no hell quite like that of an insomniac. When I was younger and in the throes of a profound depression I was at that time, in the hospital on a "one to one"...where a person from staff needed to be within arm's reach of me at all times. I think I literally went for an entire month or more with less than an hour's sleep per night. And most nights I got none. I am not exaggerating this , nor was I merely unaware of falling asleep; the "guards" were amazed at the fact that my eyes remained open night after night.

This is because I was among the unfortunate category of people who suffered from "agitated depression"...I paced. and I was NOT sleepy although, God knows, that I was achingly, miserably exhausted: (kind of like I feel right now.) Now obviously, "for every action is an equal and opposite reaction." And the fact is that mental illness suffer the other extreme on the scale....And some, like many I know...are sleepless all night...and then will sleep all day.

The sleep difficulties of the mentally ill are often worsened or changed by the side effects of their medications. The vast majority of the category of drugs called, "anti-psychotics", cause extreme somnolence---and it is very very common for a person with schizophrenia to need to sleep at least 12 hours each night...and often require at least one nap during the day. They sap energy and dull responses. In general, just slow everything down, including metabolism, which is why they often cause rapid weight gain. It is for this reason, perhaps primarily, that there is such a problem with with people with schizophrenia remaining compliant with their medication regime....This accompanied by the denial which is typical of the illness, causes almost everyone who takes the meds , to at some point, decide to go off of them at least once and usually frequently. This in addition to the awful way some of them make you feel--as though your body has gone numb and your head is stuffed full of cement--cause great numbers of people to suffer multiple relapses throughout their illness.

However, the good news is that, among the "third generation" of psychotropics (the newest psych meds available), this feeling of numb paralysis is greatly lessened. And they are often very well tolerated. I even take an older med, from the second generation of meds, called Loxipine, and it causes little or no "slowdown" but oddly, it is very rarely that you will hear of someone who takes this med. Anyway, I'm digressing here.

Now this brings me to the problem of hyper-awareness, or constant alertness, which a few of the latest psych drugs can cause. Actually, because i was suffering so greatly from negative symptoms (do a search on that in the side bar of my blog, for an explanation ), I designed my current mix of drugs (which list, I'd presented to my psychiatrist with the desperate plea to try and fortunately, she agreed.) to all cause either this alertness or to be neutral in effect, like Loxipine.

I did this so that it would be possible for me to lose some of the 90 pounds I'd packed on in a year of the other drugs and also so that I would have the energy and vigor to overcome the paralyzing effect of profound lethargy that my disease was causing me, which was compounded by the side effects of the other drugs. I did lose 60 pounds (not without effort on my part, I assure you), and now I am very alert at night. I will immediately fall asleep...and then about two hours later will be awakened by pain (which is my problem from my other disabilities)....and once awake will be completely unable to return to sleep. Occasionally I will doze for a few minutes, but largely, I 'm awake and active on my laptop or painting with my graphics tablet.

I didn't mind this for the first, say month, but now, after more than a year of negligible sleep, I'm about ready to plead for another med change. I am achingly, profoundly exhausted. I do not suffer the type of hell that I suffered as a depressed person with insomnia....I do not lie in bed motionless trying to sleep (I couldn't if I wanted to...when I hurt, I have to MOVE and frequently change my position)....I just get up and get busy. If I get sleepy again, I will take a short nap, either just prior to daybreak, or/and during the day (and guaranteed: during church! to my intense embarrassment). Once I took such a "nap" while I was driving....and drove into a side barrier on the highway....that was the end of my driving career.

Sleep is a major part of our health and experience. After all , we spend anywhere from a third to half of our lives asleep. And difficulty with it can cause us serious health problems, never mind lapses in energy levels and our own sense of comfort....including have an effect on our mental health all by it self.

...Just one more thing a person who suffers from these diseases must endure on a daily basis....

The Recognition, Responsibilty and the Reward

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, as you stand next to a slim, gorgeous younger person? And felt suddenly four feet wide, decrepit and WAY out of place??

Today that happened to me (symbolically) as I joined an association of bloggers. I was told to pick five of the “communities” which have formed around particular blogs. Well, I browsed. And I wanted to go and crawl under a rock.

These were coupon-cutting , husband honoring, Christian mothers of ten who homeschool the lot of them....And I just felt sooooo...old. And dirty....I wondered what they would each think of me were they to meet me. I have a HISTORY...probably unlike anything they've even read about. I still, even after several years of renewing my commitment to God, struggle with bad language...and I wear shirts that are cut way too low. NOT to mention what kind of a mess I'd made of mothering.

“NOPE, I do NOT belong here”, screamed an accusing heart.

And then I decided I would spend some time with the Lord this morning...which is, unfortunately, sometimes not being done of late. I read my two all time favorite devotional books, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. These are the notes I wrote as I went: (both devotional readings were for July 18th)

“OC: There is no authority without the recognition of one. Once recognition comes; responsibility also comes. Obedience must follow in order to live under the power of redemption. (Isaiah 6:1, 5) (John 3:19-21)

“JC: With vision (recognition), comes the knowledge that we are not alone and safety follows. This 'vision' is “the confirmation of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.. (Heb 11:1)

“Senses deceive. “It is with the heart one sees rightly.” (the Little Prince.) When we understand the truth and reality of the unseen; we must be changed by that recognition...otherwise we are damning ourselves to an eternity apart from it.” (note that here I'm talking about transformation, not salvation.)

I had fallen back into the behavior of darkness. My heart is obscured and I no longer SEE Him. But I HAVE seen Him. I know Him...Therefore I am doubly responsible. My eyes have been closed to the unseen. I have lived in this paper thin reality, according to its standards of behavior.,..therefore I've looked pretty good...amongst sinners and rebels. But when plopped into a world of Christian women bloggers....who seem like they dwell in a different sphere from me. Like they inhabit some OTHER reality from mine....I see myself, world-dirty and rebellious. “REAL.” yes....REAL-ly sinful. I will retain my commitment to honesty and truth in my representation of myself. I will not pretend to be what I am not:

I am a woman struggling to get through a difficult life, who has temporarily lost sight of the One who is here with me in it. I want to be back in the center of that Light. I already own the responsibility that comes once I've seen Him. It would be foolish not to then own the benefit as well. It would be like inheriting a box of Treasure, but neglecting to also take the key that came with it. All the box would only be an encumbrance without that.

What is the Key??

Forgiveness.

Cleansing.

Absolution.

The Key is the MEANS by which we obtain the Treasure.

And that is? REDEMPTION. Transformation. It doesn't come by trying to fit myself into a mold made some one else.

It comes from seeing God and grabbing that Treasure that the Light of Recognition reveals....opening it with the key and diving in to be changed.

Jacy Velasquez Sanctuary

Water on the Altar; Fire from Heaven

This morning I wrote a blog post on the SparkPeople.com site for my page there....and it was a list of goals phrased as desires. A long list of "I want...."s and I was surprised when the first comment to come through was from a woman Down Under (which is not surprising as it was 3:00 AM when I posted the blog. Who else would be up at that hour??)...and she immediately talked about how I must be surrounded by negative people...and she ended with an injunction not to let them bring me down.

I admit, I was a little ticked off. I mean these were goals of mine , for Pete's sake. How did she get off saying the post was negative?? I mean, isn't one of the cornerstones of SparkPeople based on goal setting??

I thought about it for awhile. And then it dawned on me.

These were all statements written from a position of lack and of weakness. Of someone who doesn't have what she wants, and whining about it. Like the kid with the mile long Christmas list....or a begger's dreams of food. So I asked myself..."how can I change that? How can I come from a position of strength and control rather than one of lack??"

Duh.

So I changed them all into "I will...." statements. Positive affirmations of what I intend to, and will accomplish before I'm done.

Here are a few examples from my list:

1) I am going to feel strong and in control once again.
2) I am going to work hard and love it
3) I am going to make myself proud and I will look in the mirror in amazement and joy
4) I am going to,instead of hating sweating, love it again
5) I am going to do a workout - and not consider it a good workout - unless I've reached my threshold for strength and exhaustion
6) I am going to succeed at regaining control over my body and health .......

I confess as I was typing these things, I was a little bit scared. After all, these are no small dreams. NO SMALL REALITIES that I'm trying to,... working to,... GOING TO accomplish. And I began to see the negativity in me. If I get so scared by the audacity of committing myself to the pursuit of health that just putting these plans into words seems terrifying, then I must not truly believe that I will do these things.

And I am made curious by this. After all, I only have to lose 40 more pounds to be thin and at the weight I desire to be....and only 30 pounds until I'm within the range that's considered "normal" for my height and age. And last year, I lost 60 pounds, radically improved my health and with the exception of having several major surgeries, I was not sick or in need of a doctor all year...even through the fall and winter , which is my critical time for illness.

And last year I was way behind where I'm at this year when beginning the summer/fall season...I couldn't walk even a mile...I could hardly make it up the stairs without gasping and staggering. This year my starting point is power walking two miles uphill; or a half hour of aerobics. If I were to get serious RIGHT NOW...where might I be by the middle of November?

And I have to say that there is one small problem. One niggling doubt. One thing that might hold me back. And that is that I've lost the edge in my desire. I've lost some of my determination. And the stubbornness that really did help me last year...in the face of all the naysayers in my life....I wanted to flip a bird and go and DO IT. ( and that list was topped by my pulmonologist/GP who told me that putting any extra demand on my lungs would kill me.)

Where did that determination go?

Well, for one thing I feel powerless in the face of two forces which are working against me. (And I'm working this out as I go here...til this minute I'd not realized this...)

Force #1--A plateau at which I was STUCK for months last year. I simply could NOT break out of a low weight wall of 157-160....I couldn't get lower than that, no matter how hard I worked, or how carefully I ate. Now I KNOW that plateaus are a recognized physical phenomenon in a weight loss effort. And I know that sooner or later, given persistence, they will finally give way. But it didn't FEEL like that to me.
I felt stuck.
I felt powerless...helpless.
And that brings me to

Force #2 - An eating disorder with which I am struggling mightily... And this eating disorder is kind of bizarre and I'm not going to give you details about it,....except to say that is isn't bulimia...but that it does involve overeating. And I am COMPLETELY STUCK in the face of this. I know that very likely I need professional help with it....and I really really wish I had someone to coach me through it, who knows what they are talking about. But that is highly unlikely....bordering on impossible, due to many factors. SO ...hence...therefore...consequently:
Helplessness.

And these two things are more of a reality in my life presently than they were last year. And they are looming in my subconscious like Goliaths in front of the Israelite army.
Unbeatable.
Huge.

A verse just popped into my mind: "I can do ALL THINGS through HIM who gives me strength." And it was rapidly followed by this one: "For my strength is made perfect in weakness."

Like: Yeah!
When did God do his best work all through Scriptures?

---When he was up against impossible odds. When buckets of water drowned the altar....
THEN fire fell from heaven....

---When the army was reduced to a few men, holding trumpets and clay pots....THEN the terror of the Lord fell upon the enemy....so confusing them that an army of hundreds of thousands, ended up slaughtering each other in the darkness of the night.

So the fact is: I don't need to be sure of my own strength and determination.

I only need to be sure of my God.

In the Womb of God

One thing you don't want to do is to drop your brand new Mp3 player down the toilet.... and that's exactly what I did in the middle of the night, last night. (yes, I sleep with it on...It helps to deafen Voices...and also keeps me from hearing sounds around the house which my mind can alter to think that someone has broken into the house...or worse---I'm not fearful: just paranoid :) )

Anyway...I snatched it out just as it began to disappear with the flush. Perfect timing: Both for the fall to occur as I was flushing and also for my grab. So I dried it off praying that God would be merciful and allow it to work again. You see, as I said I need an Mp3 player desperately... and I couldn't afford a new one when my old Zune gave up the ghost after four years of constant service. And I found this one reconditioned one on Amazon. It was perfect. It looked brand new, had a touchscreen that was just too cool...and did everything but clean my room for me :) ....and best of all, cost only $85....for a new one it would have been $300 to get an equal one. They had just ONE...and I got it.

Or rather, HAD it....as I was looking this morning as I watched a fireworks display of colored static and odd images appear on the unit...and the screen went black. So I did the only thing I could think of...which was to immerse it into a bag of rice, as I'd heard from my dad (when my daughter dropped her new cell phone into the whirlpool tub while she was getting a pedicure...to the amusement of everyone in the store), that it will absorb the water out of the inner parts of immersed electronics. But, it won't always work...(as with my daughter's cell phone). I waited for a LONG 12 hours and then couldn't stand the suspense any longer, and took it out and turned it on.

Nothing.

So I thought in desperation, maybe the short had drained the battery....so I plugged it into my laptop and waited, anxiously staring at the screen. Slowly, the battery symbol appeared on the screen, indicating that the battery was completely drained. It took lots of messing around, but I got the computer to recognize the Zune again so it would sync...and when I finally tried to listen to music, not knowing if all my music had been erased or distorted, I heard wonderful, clear music... And everything worked except for one button which may recover in time.

Praise God.

And it occurred to me that we often don't depend on God --until something goes down the toilet...(that shouldn't). And then we run to him, crying "Please, PLEASE help me!!" I've been hearing a lot recently (although for the life of me, I don't recall the source) how God wants us to not even draw a breath without depending on him, dwelling in him (and WHY doesn't my spell check recognize the word "dwelling??"). Sorry too many aside comments here...I'm talking about something serious.

Obedience, dependence, trust.

Those three characteristics are to mark our lives as his children. And you can't have a single one without it branching into and developing the other ones. They are all interconnected and woven together....to form a beautiful bond between the Lord and us. Like a baby dwelling in the womb are we to rely on him...and be comforted by him...and to respond to his movements.

Obedience. Dependence. Trust.

Not only when there is a crisis. But every moment of every day. Is it hard to maintain this state? Well, for me, it is....sometimes. But for that babe in the womb, it is effortless. And vital. Without it there would be no life.

I need to find that place of rest and trust...most of all, of dependence. If there's one thing that has marked my life--both for good and bad--it is an independent spirit. "NO! I'll do it MYSELF!" was likely my first sentence.

I really don't want it to be my last as well.

Hopefully I will learn - ever more perfectly and deeply - how to dwell in the womb of God..

Guest Blog Post at "Living With Purpose"

For all who are interested, I recently wrote guest blog post on a site called "Living with Purpose" owned by Cindy M. Jones. It was published last night and can be viewed at the following URL:
http://www.cindymjones.com/2011/07/treasures-from-darkness-lost-and-found.html
Please head on over to her blog and check out the articles as well as my post! It gives a bit of my story that perhaps you haven't heard before. This was the assignment:

Have you overcome a particularly difficult situation or season in life? Do you have a few words of advice or encouragement to give?

And maybe you yourself would like to answer Cindy's question. The guidelines are in the sidebar on her page. Just write your story and send it to her and then let me know that you did. I would love to read it!