Because I pray a lot, I guess. And maybe because of a few other things about me.
I sincerely would love to be a "Holy Woman"--a woman after God's own heart--someday. But right now, it is hard to imagine myself as meriting such a description.
After a period of dryness which has been plaguing me lately, even though nothing has changed in terms of my love for Him or my commitment to Him and which may be purely due to struggles with mental and physical illness or due to "mental-pause" which makes me wonder if it can also cause "spirit-pause."
I begin my days lately with giving the Lord the first moments of my morning. poring through Oswald Chambers once again...and meditating in prayer. But have spent very little time in actual Bible Study. I've read the Word in chunks. One or three verses at a time. Have I lost the big picture? Or is the big picture now established in my heart and it's the fine points that need rehearsing, contemplation and then to be written on my heart to guard my steps? I honestly think that in my current brain damaged state, a paragraph of the Word is all I can grip on to....All that my mind can take in. Just one bite at a time.
Prayers, also, have become shorter, more simple and concise. Brief whispers with my Abba which mesh together to form a lacework of conversation. Those hours of prone supplication and intercession that I used to spend are now prayers such as "Oh, Lord, my heart breaks for this person...won't you please help him/her??" And because that is the season I am in and perhaps all I'm now capable of, I know my Lord smiles and enjoys them equally.
Fasting, sadly, has gone by the wayside....This particular "habit of Holiness" distresses me the most in its absence because it is not replaced by any other thing...no other holy habit...Rather it is a blatant admission to the spirit world that this tool of Light will not be wielded against them by me...not now it won't...I'm too weak in my spirit and body to be able to pull off a long fast....whether it is for diet sake , health sake, or even the Lord's sake. What does it mean? well it's the seesaw effect: weak in spirit...Strong in flesh. And though I sound glib about that...I'm really not. I know that this is a strong dangerous trend in me...and one that I must war against...because if I don't; the Lord will.
Simplicity. Well. I guess my life is becoming more simple....I rarely leave my room....I do try to keep it neat...(FAIL!) I am working on weeding through our belongings so I may make a call to a man with a big truck to come and haul the junk away. And WOW do I look forward to that day! But am I inwardly simple??? that' s a hard question to answer. If simplicity=mindfulness than most likely not. As far as simplicity ='ing the rejection of technology...well (cough) I'm simple as long as I can have my laptop, Kindle and iPod! Does my love/need for those things eradicate automatically my simplicity?? Good question. I just thought of my friend, Kate, who is the busiest woman I know...yet I would not hesitate to call her both godly and simple. (in the best sense possible). She is down to earth, loving , consistently kind...and loves the Lord. She doesn't concern herself with things that are beyond her. Those , she leaves to God to handle. She is a good model to me of what spiritual simplicity looks like. Getting tied into theological knots of debate...is not nearly as important and Trusting him even though you do not understand him is way more important.
And as I read it, I was heavily convicted in some ways...and in others I was pleased to say "yes" that they'd either happened to me or described me. But I must say that there were more "ouches" than "attagirls." And that will always be true....but the question is: Are some of those OUCHES things that USED TO BE: Attagirls???'
Oh, Cynthia....do not forsake ground you'd already won!....Do not hold up the white flag to the enemy! Surrender is not an option. It is fine if God is molding my habits of holiness to suit my current abilities....But make sure that it is HE who is making those adjustments and not my flesh; not the enemy!
God is changing me...but in small ways. It is permissible to love this, to honor and pursue it...and to thank God for it.