Monday, February 28, 2011

Suicide and the Mentally Ill

This blog has been neglected during this recovery period from my surgery. I apologize to those of you who have been faithfully reading. As I think over the possible topics I might cover right now; there is one that I feel is demanding attention. It is one that I've personally dealt with both as a friend and as a participant...and one that is difficult to talk about, both personally and socially, as it touches on the deepest and rawest part of our lives and emotions. And this is, as you've guessed probably from the title of the blog; suicide and the mentally ill.

Now, I'd like to explain this title a bit. I believe honestly that in some degree, everyone who commits suicide is mentally ill. Suicide is not a response that is naturally built in to our makeup....It is something that completely thwarts and opposes the very strong survival instinct that we have as creatures, designed by God. And I think therefore that whether or not it had been apparent or active prior to "the act, " that the person who does this, is ill. Now in the case of people leaping from a burning Twin Tower, no; those people were merely exchanging a possibly lingering and worse death for a quicker one...But there, the situation was probably hopeless for them, and so their actions were probably logical or based on panicked impulse.

However, this post will not be about suicides that appeared seemingly out of the blue. This is about the risk of suicide among those who suffer with pre-diagnosed mental illnesses, especially those amongst people with bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. I will not deal so much with suicides amongst those suffering from medical depression, because, almost every suicide can be classified as springing from that problem.

The following is a quote from the website: Schizophrenia.Com. -which btw is a great resource for info and support on and for those involved in some manner with this disease.

"Suicide is unfortunately one of the leading causes of death for people with schizophrenia - but it is highly preventable! Upwards of 40% of people that have schizophrenia will attempt suicide at least once. Males with schizophrenia attempt suicide at a much higher rate than females; approximately 60% of them will make at least one attempt. The result of these attempts is that between 10% and 15% of people with schizophrenia have historically committed suicide."

Here is the link on the article where this quote may be found: http://www.schizophrenia.com/suicide.html

There is one more quote from this same article which I would like to include here:
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." and then that article goes on to give a list of resources where people in this situation can go for the augmentation of their own, possibly scanty ones.

That article lists three specific "danger points" in the life of a person with schizophrenia when the threat of suicide is highest. And basically, as I read them it occurred to me that EVERY TIME is a dangerous time for a sz person except when they've had it for quite a long time and are well-adjusted and well-managed on medications which they find to be helpful and tolerable. And even then, especially for someone with sza (schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, a concurrent diagnosis); there is always a danger for a person to slide into that pit of hopelessness and despair that the chronically ill face as they realize the finality of their diagnosis and live year after year without ever being free from it.

I do not wish to make this article a cut and dried list of statistics but want to share from my heart and experience about this topic and am finding that what I want to say, far exceeds the normal length of a blog. Perhaps I will work on some articles and place them on a permanent page to be found at the top of the homepage. Keep an eye open for them coming soon.

But I would like to say, that if you are feeling suicidal at this time and you were maybe drawn to this article because of that; PLEASE go to where there is help. And there IS help, regardless of how you are feeling at this present time.

If your depression is based on a chemical problem, there are medications which can make an immense difference in how you are feeling, and will alleviate your suffering that this regard. If you don't have insurance and cannot afford these medicines, there are other avenues, such as state medical assistance; and the drug companies themselves will often, if approached by the patient or the patient's doctor or representative with a description of the need for their medicine, they will often offer free or greatly reduced in price medications. Obviously they cannot probably do this in every case or everyone would do this, but I personally know of several people who have gotten this type of assistance. And there are other resources, I'm sure, as well.

If your depression is based on problems like awful negative symptoms (which are things like tiredness, lack of energy and motivation; great difficulty in doing anything, including self care and the like, difficulty in taking pleasure in anything, poverty of thought or speech etc) which I often feel as as hard to live with than are the positive symptoms (hallucinations and delusions); then take heart. I struggled horribly with negative symptoms for quite a while, and finally got "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and studied up on various medicines, spoke to people in forums such as those offered to people who are diagnosed with sz on schizophrenia.com, and decided for myself which medicines I felt might possibly help me. Fortunately I have a doctor who was open to trying this with me and she gradually switched me over to these medicines. And thank God!! They worked! My negative symptoms are HUGELY improved. And I've been able to lose 60 pounds of the weight I'd gained from meds and so forth.

In other words, "Don't choose a permanent solution for a problem which may be temporary or correctable." Fight for yourself. You are worth fighting for...regardless of how you feel now. The things you are feeling about yourself are things which your ILLNESS is telling you. I know you HATE that illness....so why listen to it?? Why take its advice??
In the side bar of my blog are some resources you should look into. And there are more listed in the article I linked above.
Blessings.
Cynthia

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Beauty and the BEAST

One night this week, as I decided at 7:00 PM to call it a night…(was very tired because for weeks ((years??)) have not been sleeping hardly at all)…and was suddenly oppressed (and I believe that is an accurate word) by a heavy wave of a feeling that I’d suffered with, overcome, and from which I’d spent the past 22 years fleeing: Despair. Depression is a highly overused word. Only those who have truly grappled with this monster can really honestly relate to the word “Despair.’ Depression is the feeling; DESPAIR is the root cause. (and yes, it can also become an effect of the disease depression). But I believe (at least in my case this has proved to be true…) that it wasn’t until the issue of Despair, HOPE, and my future were grappled with and put squarely into the hands of the only One big enough and powerful enough to handle them…that I had any kind of ammunition to launch at that familiar enemy who stalks me like a sniper.

Yes, Depression is chemical. Absolutely. It has genetic and hormonal components. It is an illness. And I am not saying that anyone who truly puts their hope in God will never suffer from it…NO! I have numerous close friends who are wonderfully devoted to the Savior, who suffer mightily in the grip of this disease. And I know that there may come a day when my best efforts at camouflage and evasion, and prayer could falter against the powers of this beast. But the difference between the me now…and the me who suffered without a glimmer of a break for well over a decade… is this: now, I can know that there IS hope. I can know this with my heart and mind…and can have some dispute with my emotions who shout at me otherwise. I have prayer and thus am never truly alone or without anyone to talk to. And best of all, I have a power greater than the power of the Beast, on whom to call when the going gets dark. Just as David in the throes of his agonies and ecstasies (ever wonder if he had bipolar disorder??) cried to the Lord for help and aid …(and if you note that in all but one Psalm, by the end of the psalm, he had reverted to praise and thanks as he found the help he required), so I cry out to the only one who is able to help me. We have all (those of us with this disease) experienced the limitations of psychotherapy or any other kind of therapy. But my God has no limitations. And I know that in his time, sooner or later, he will lift me out and set my feet on a rock once again.

This week, I floundered. And today, sitting in my recliner listening to the silence around me…began to talk to Jesus…and we had the sweetest time together. He held me as I wept and said exactly the things I needed to hear…really needed to hear. He went straight to the core of the problem, as he always does…avoiding all of the symptoms and my reasonings…and went for my heart. He mended and bolstered up what was weak and sinking… And now, NOTHING HAS CHANGED…in my life, or in my circumstances or in my illnesses…

But now I have a quiet hope. And once more can go on, knowing who it is that holds my hand.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Thoughts from the Homebound


You know your life is boring when you begin to take photos of the way the light shines through your water bottle.

You know your life is boring when the greatest excitement of the day is choosing and then struggling to get your socks on.

You know your life is boring when a friend offers to take you with her to pick up her kids from school, and you JUMP at the chance...just to see another human face.

....when your spam gets you happy and you actually READ it!

....when you start ordering books you already own on Amazon for your Kindle, just for the fun of it.

....when you stare at the light filtering through your white curtains and are entranced by it, knowing it is the most beautiful thing you will see all day.

....when you get into the car of a friend to go to the pharmacy and out of sheer joy, you want to hang your head out of the window like your dog used to do...to let the wind make your cheeks flap and to feel the fresh air on your face.

....when you are dismayed that you have Vonage and thus never get any phone calls for advertising purposes...It would be REALLY nice to talk to someone...EVEN someone who mispronounces your name. (I always wonder if they deliberately..the name is so simple, you'd have to do it deliberately to get it wrong).

Make someone's day today. Stop in for a visit. Give a call on the phone...Offer to take them to the store...It's an easy way to be loved.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The One I will Always Love

When a mother needs a daughter, it is not the best situation.
The mother is supposed to be the source of strength and comfort...
And if she is not that, then she has not done her task as a mom.

I just looked for a picture of my daughter and me to put on a card I'm making to give her when she flies into the sunrise tomorrow morning, early. There was NOT ONE of us together with the exception of one we took maybe five or six years ago. NOT ONE. And we do not have even one picture with all of our family members in it together in the past....well, close to ten years. How can this be?

Well, partly it is because we are a family who is not at home in front of a lens-- since we are not at home in our own skin. Partly it is because I'm always either in a hospital or looking horrible because I just WAS in a hospital and no one has really offered to take any pictures of me like that. Partly it is because we never ever do anything together as a family worthy of documentation....not even going out to a mall together. I am so sad about this now. Sad that she is leaving without any memories but dialing 911 and seeing me go off in an ambulance...as she sadly waves good bye out the back door. I have such a clear mental image of this last time when that occurred, she looked so forlorn and helpless. And alone.

Mental illness is a thief and a destroyer.
So is physical illness.
And when you have both...well. you probably have no business having a family.

She is beautiful. Strong.
And wounded.

She has been through more, at 18, than anyone in their 90's would have any right to be through and she is still trying, still struggling to make a way for herself through this life. And I'm afraid that, in order for her to do that, she really must do it apart from us. We will keep her trapped. We will keep her in a caretaker's position. We will keep her caught, stuck between the two of us and having mixed loyalties.

And it is hard to see her go.
Hard because I'm scared about what the world will do to her....I mean, look what WE'VE done to her--and we LOVE her....What will this cruel world do??
Hard because I desperately need her. Need her to help me in and out of the shower, to play nurse, to be a caretaker, to explain to me things that I've forgotten or which just don't make sense to me. Need her to give up her own life and help me to prolong mine.

And that is not right.
It is not fair.
It would be a horrible waste.

So because I love her...I am letting her go...and PRAYING that those whom she encounters will be kind. Will recognizer her worth, her beauty, her brilliant intelligence, her creative talent...and her extraordinary worth as a gifted individual...and will respect the fact that she is the beloved one of a mom at home who loves her.

Friday, February 11, 2011

How to End before it Starts??

How does one begin the end of an ending?

How does one begin a beginning while in the middle?

How does one end an ending before it begins?

How does one go back to the beginning and totally skip the wrong ending?

Confused?

Well, if you aren't then, you are the person whom this post was intended for.

I'm sorry for the confusion, hurt, and misunderstanding that my rotten, lousy paranoid schizophrenic brain has caused. I would do anything to erase the damage of the past week and go back to the friendship we had before all this mess began. It really just sucks when my "home base"---the default position that my mind will take--- is one of paranoia. It is horrific to think that I could have so misunderstood and doubted a wonderful a friend as you are and have been. I'm so so so sorry for the hurt that I've caused you and for the mass confusion that my misinterpretation of your emails has caused.

Please understand that my misinterpretation of your emails, has caused me equal pain; that the evil whisper of illness causes me at least as much suffering as it does the object of my doubts. I really did think that you were furious with me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I was hurt and wounded to the core....never once considering that once again, I was made a fool of by this damned disease.

And the worst part of it by far, is not that I get hurt or have to live with the doubts and pain...but that I have caused someone else--someone innocent--to suffer as a result also. I was an idiot to marry and am an idiot to ever try to burst through the suffocating barrier between me and everyone else by forming a friendship....because always., inevitably, someone innocent will get hurt...and invariably, my heart will go through the familiar paths of doubt, worry, fear, anger, and then complete isolation that are the consequences of my wrong thinking. And these are the things that happen when I'm WELL....NOT psychotic!!! These are the things that construct my daily life.

I'm not looking for pity ...because if anyone deserves it , it is the people that my illness twists up and spits out....the ones who've dared to give me their hearts.

And I'm still, despite the evil my mind does, not the offender here either. I guess I'm a victim too.

Anyway----I'm sorry, times a thousand, for doubting you and for thinking you capable of such unreasonalbe rage.

I would understand if you did what every single other friend I've had does and did...and that is to cut me off cold. To protect yourself from such pain again. I don't understand why people can't just SEE if for what it is when it comes. But then neither can I so it is not fair to wonder that. The thoughts are so insidious and so basked in so "reasonable" a doubt that every one always falls for it...me and everyone else. ...Never can see it for ILLNESS, for a twisted, sick perception...and then as such just label it and disarm it by identfying it. Then it would srop. I would say "OH THAT is what it is...it's not her or him or them....It's schizophrenia." and then I could put it aside on a shelf where it belongs.

Nope. It is insidious. Believeable. Sneaky. and fools me and everyone else and we all get sucked into a vortex of anger and pain.

I'm so sorry ...It's all there is to say.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

spouting about spouting

(Writer's note: I have the unfortunate reaction to anesthesia of being confused and a bit, well, psychotic, following a major surgery. The following blogs were written while suffering from this reaction, so it is not my typical illness springing up.)

I don't know where I am on that invisible scale with 0 being locked up and bound in restraints (you get the picture) and 10 being my functioning at the fullest capacity that my physical state will permit. Maybe I'm somewhere around a 5. I know that it's kind of silly to rate one's own sanity...but maybe for me , it is a good thing to do. And that is simply because I sometimes post a post like the last one I posted and then follows a few days of silence, and I'm sure you assume that I've decompensated down to a 0 on that scale. And truth be told, sometimes that honestly is a possibility. However, USUALLY the case is that I just needed to spout or leak some craziness to once again restore my internal balance of sanity to insanity. (Forgive me for using such old and stigmatized words as "sanity" and "insanity"...better to say "wellness" and "ill-functioning" or some such thing....I really never was one to heed politically correct verbiage. I just assume that my readers are educated enough not to be led astray by the old ridiculous images that such words would bring to mind. If I am crediting you with too much intelligence, then please send me an email and let me know,....and I will make greater efforts to control my fingers on the keyboard).

ANYWAY, like I said, sometimes I do need to spout a bit...and it does help to write my thoughts, which do not quite fit the house-with-the-white-picket-fence-image, down and let them smell up the internet rather than my own head. And once I can breathe again, I can re-assess life and self...and sometimes I can see that it is MY LIFE and the people in it who are the ones with the issues....and not so much me... And believe me--even if thosepeople do not address their issues and do not get the help they need...I do not feel so out of controll and crazed (BTW: if you are in my life and know me personally, NO THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU!! Okay, are we all comfortable again?? Good, now let's get on with today's post.

oh....ummmm.....maybe that WAS today's post...
OKay, well, see you again soon. :)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

coming undone


(Writer's note: I have the unfortunate reaction to anesthesia of being confused and a bit, well, psychotic, following a major surgery. The following blogs were written while suffering from this reaction, so it is not my typical illness springing up.)

My mind is cloudy; memory dim as I sit here in this hospital room early Saturday morning. My mind is doing its drift by association thing as I try so hard to focus on the sentence I am writing...it wanders from topic to topic and I find myself thinking about the most absurd things--nowhere close to my original intent. I can see now that this will be a hard post to write...




I will try to stick to simple facts and withhold any commentary on them. My hip had dislocated again about two weeks ago, and the surgeon told me that they would do surgery on it at the end of January. Meanwhile I had a horrible, hemorrhage for weeks--a subsequent cancer scare and numerous tests. The doctor put me onto progesterone hormone to manage the bleeding enough for them to be able to operate on my hip. Then I went for presurgical testing for the hip surgery and it was discovered that my always low blood sodium level was critically, life-threatening-ly low.

The result of that was that I was put into the hospital on very concentrated Intravenous solutions of sodium. My mind during this time was not stable either. I've been very confused and prone to hallucinations as l sat and wall-stared for the past number of day as they tried desperately to get my blood to a safe level for surgery (which had been scheduled for this past Tuesday, Feb. 1st.) ...and they accomplished that goal!..

The surgery (a left total hip revision) was accomplished without complication and now I am in rehab...it's my first day here...The morning has not yet dawned ...I arrived at bedtime last night.


My mind during all of this past week has been very very unstable. . I should leave some of the craziness that is coming out of my hands onto this keyboard and you would see hwat I eaka lll ...what I mean. I don't know why this is...Is it the unstalble ....I see images in mmy mind...like a new sdress aind I'm not sure if it is going to fit or olook righ on me as ai stuglge===in the air gesturing with my hands as I try to put it on. The zipper is stuck and I shake myself into reality for a second as I see myseld struggling to pick the very keys off of my computer. I am horrified by this for a minute or two and wonder , am i really heading fro psychosis? But the horror only lasts a moment as my vmind flied itn i and I am putting a valuable necklace into its case.
I'm frightened.

I cannot control my thougtht and rein them in even long enough to get thorough a paragraph..l;;;;;;;;;;;;;;mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,...................my hands rest oin the keys as my mind puruses one line of idiocy after another. and they take breaks to gesture inthe air in response to the things taking place (lad

I've tried to hide my careening mind now for days. and now it is becoming impossible.
what is it with ZIPPERS??? zippers and computer keys
I can't publish this blog. Should I? Should I pull the curtgan away"