Thursday, January 13, 2011

When Someone Hurts...

Why is it...that when we suffer, we hide ourselves...as though we'd done a bad thing by feeling badly? We need to talk and are afraid to talk ...as friend recently blogged....because we don't want to look like we're wallowing.

As much as I blog about mental illness and pain (physical)...I haven't begun to scratch the surface of the real experience. My blogs, my talking to people, my chats...although sprinkled with whining...do not convey even a shadow of the truth. Why? Because people can't take it. They either get uncomfortable when faced with pain or depression or discouragement...or a life wasted....and can't cope with the pain it brings to them...and the sense of inadequacy that they feel (if they are really sort of "getting it") and that creates a real awkwardness if you are speaking in person; or it makes them want to run from the source of that discomfort. And often if they even read one intense blog post, or even two....they will not keep returning....Because there is only so much pain, inadequacy, sorrow and despair that a person can take...And if it is OPTIONAL ie: not themselves experiencing it or a family member they are forced to deal with...they simply WON'T...

It's hard when a person refuses to be comforted ( or so it seems.) What people don't understand is that comfort is fleeting and falls miserably short of the actual need. And that, while comfort feels kind of good momentarily....it will fail to really change a single thing. It doesn't remove pain; won't cure mental illness.... Or maybe people DO understand this...and that makes them want to flee all the more. I have a brother who did that.... Fled. From me. Many years ago. His excuse was that there is no such thing as mental illness and that schizophrenia did not explain my behavior years ago. I won't even respond to that here....it speaks for itself.

And I have had friend after friend just quietly slink out the back doors of my life...hoping maybe that I wouldn't notice that they've gone...that they no longer call...no longer answer when I call....that their eyes shift with discomfort when we accidentally bump into each other. They say, "I'll call you...It's been too long since we've talked...mumblemumble ...busy...." But I know they won't call. And they know I know.

I've had other friends...more honest friends who've told me...."Look your life is too difficult for me to deal with. I have to get out of this friendship...." I had one friend tell me I was "too needy" despite the fact that I'd never asked her for anything or even shared with her my thoughts about my experience....I was too needy just because she couldn't deal with my pain. The fact that my need never really invaded her life in any real way did not occur to her. I was merely a tangible reminder of the sufferings of this world...and she didn't want to be reminded.

So where does that leave the person who experiences unmitigated suffering? Well, it leaves them constipated with unexpressed words... And all of that___ has to back up somewhere...And it does. It turns into more pain. It turns into a person, like I've become ...who holes up in their room and rarely goes out, even when I can manage it. It becomes a person who smiles and answers "I'm fine, thanks...how are YOU???" when asked ....because people DO NOT REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Even if they THINK they do...they really really don't. And I've finally come to understand that. And it becomes someone who is achingly lonely and alone with their need.

Now, I have had several exceptional friends...unfortunately, I only know them online...(knew one of them...he died last April). They have allowed me to complain...and have bravely tolerated my expressions of pain and frustration. (At least I THINK they have...they may actually walk away from the monitor when they see any email or chats from me , LOL)...

Other peoples' pain is hard on most people...they either are completely ill equipped to deal with it and don't know what to say in the face of it...or they simply really don't care and don't want to be bothered....or they feel too much for their own comfort and head for the hills to get away from it....Or - a very few, feel, listen and stay. (at least thus far...I"m not predicting beyond today). And these people know that the best thing they can offer me is not to say, "I know exactly how you feel" and then launch into a tale of their own pain...usually, far less than what I'm trying to talk about. And maybe people KNOW that, but want to make me feel like I"m being understood and they are empathetic. Really, the best thing to do is to be honest. If you can't deal with my pain...tell me that...and if you still want to be friends...I'll know to put a sock in it and I will avoid you on days that I can't. If you don't understand my pain, having never understood anything like it; be honest about that too. Tell me, "I can't imagine what your pain is like...but I care. And I'm willing to listen." And if you're feeling really brave, tell them you aren't going anywhere...that you'll be there...to laugh if they feel like laughing , to cry with them if they want to cry...or to do something to divert them if that's what they need. And for pain that is entirely disabling...maybe just sit with them....maybe hold their hand...

I wish I had someone to do that in my life.
I can't think of anything more comforting or more understanding.

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