You must have thought I'd fallen off the end of the earth, if you visit regularly or subscribe by feed. The truth is that I've just been really struggling physically and it has taken all of my mental and physical energy to deal with that...and this has crowded anything I might share with you that you would find interesting right out of my mind.
My spinal issues, particularly my cervical spine, have been making me feel really awful...lots of pain...and th cervical issues are causing headaches and dizziness as well as weakness in my limbs and horrific pain. I've been unable to exercise for the past two days, so you gotta KNOW I feel awful for that to be the case. My hips and my neck and my lower back have worked together to discourage and disable me in this regard. I am getting very, very sick of sitting in this recliner. That week of normalcy after my epidural really has spoiled me and made it very very hard to endure the boredom and loneliness that result from being imprisoned in this tiny room.
But whining about it will win me no friends and will do nothing to help my situation...so I'm making a concerted effort not to do that. Instead I have decided that I will seek out things to give me joy and from which I might take gratitude.
I went to my hip surgeon yesterday and it looks like my third hip surgery will take place in early March. We do not yet know if that will be to work on one or both hips yet. The replacement of my right hip is certain....and the revision on my relatively new left hip is dependent on whether or not the next six weeks of exercises help. I'll keep you posted, but won't know anything more until the end of February.
So this where I stand (sit) now...I've gone from being a superwoman athlete (haha...okay, just a person dedicated to exercise) to a disabled person again. And it's a transition I do NOT like. I need to somehow RESIST these changes in my body and to overcome in spite of them...and I'm sure I will (I usually do) but I need to find the right mindset; one of determination and enthusiasm and dedication to the pursuit of health....I know that if I lose that vantage point which I've so carefully cultivated over the past year, my body and health will quickly implode and my house of cards will once more come crashing down.
After I wrote that last paragraph that "still, small voice" came to me and whispered that the mindset I need to cultivate is the Mind of Christ....and his mindset is to be completely dependent on and surrendered to the will of the Father. This may take me to places I don't want to go...but I need to follow him where ever it is he leads me. Because not only is HE the source of life and health ...he is the only thing/person that gives my life real meaning...a meaning that extends beyond this room; even beyond the range of this keyboard....It gives me eternal significance. And nothing this world offers or could offer, could compete with that.
A verse just came to mind which talks about how we are no longer slaves to this world or chained up by our "Body of Death" (sounds like Paul knew me personally!) But are now free in Christ. For me that means that these present circumstances do not hold the power or ability to cause me to despair...And it means that my body is not the definer of my hope. You could remove every ability this body has, and still the promises of God for my eternal hope will apply and be unharmed. THIS is where I need to fix my focus...not on the sufferings of this present time but on the hope that lies before me...and to rejoice in that at all times...in every situation. And to always, in every situation, find something for which to have gratitude. And this decision to focus my mind in these directions is the thing that will save me from deep darkness and despair. It will also, hopefully, keep me from being a despondant whiner and complainer...which would only serve to isolate me further anyway...so best to lose that attitude FAST and to continually guard my heart against self pity.
So, I'm glad for this reminder...that I am free in Christ...that my spirit is not locked up in this hurting body which has forgotten how to move. I'm glad I stopped in to talk to you, because I ended up also talking to myself...and I needed a good talking-to!
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