Fragmented Faith; God, in the lives of the Mentally Ill

Part One:
Weak Pray-er; Mighty Prayers


The following is a "clip" from a blog post of mine dated June 15, 2009...It describes something I STILL struggle with...even though here, it sounds like I have a handle on it; or at least an understanding of it.

I know that God does not penalize me for not spending hours in intense prayer like I used to do. If all I’m capable of are one sentence prayers throughout the day, surely He is as attentive to those as to the other. Why do I feel guilty, then? Like I’m somehow letting God down or failing my duty? Just because, for this season, my prayers are brief and scattered? God will not expect more of me than I can give. I guess it’s silly to think that somehow we can earn better answers or more of God’s attention by “better” prayers or greater focus. What matters is my intention and my heart before God…if He can understand tongues or the prayer of children or of senile adults; surely He is not hindered by my difficulty…It’s my difficulty; not His. I still feel a lack though. I miss Him and I miss those intense, amazing times with Him that I used to have. But He is still near. And He still hears and answers…all the time!

I know that God hears my prayers...even the half conscious breaths of a desperate, befuddled heart and mind as I am searching for a lost item (and this is how I spend half of every day)...when I finally get really desperate, I do what I should have done in the very beginning (at least I USED to; I glad to report that my cries to the Father come much sooner and more readily now)...I cry out to God in complete frustration, "LORD! where IS it???" And - I know that some of you will scoff at this, others will doubt it...and some will out and out think I'm lying but it is the complete truth - I will "lift up mine eyes...to whence comes my help" and my eyes will land, RIGHT ON THE MISSING OBJECT! I know that some people will say that God is not my divining rod for finding lost objects; that he has more important, more HOLY things to attend to....No He is my DIVINE rod...which always points me where I need to go. Like Moses' staff which pointed across the waters and they watched in awe as the waters parted....my prayer is aimed at God...and the answer comes just as surely as the dry land which appeared.

To some, locating a missing object is a minor annoyance: to ME, however, it is a major distraction, frustration, and a HUGE waste of my time...For I am someone who has lost a good portion of her brain cells to ECT (electroconvulsive therapy: shock treatments) and the other portion to Schizophrenia: a disease which ravages the mind and destroys short term memory...and a final portion to the drugs which are to TREAT said mental illness, but which in some cases, make some of the damages of the disease even worse. And therefore, when dealing with so many strikes against me (not to mention, peri-menopausal fog and the brain fog which is a symptom of Psoriatic Arthritis as well)...you can imagine how great a portion of my day is spent in trying to relocate an object or item that I had had in my hands "just moments ago"...and which now is driving me to distraction by hiding itself from me! And God in his sweet mercy, who cares about every detail of my life, answers those breath-prayers ....which I confess, can sometimes look or sound like disrespectful mis-uses of his name as I cry out: "LORD! where is it??"...Yet he honors even such prayers as these...and helps me over and over. Proving to this forgetful heart again and again, just how much he loves me and is concerned about every detail of my life....

That is one sense in which my prayers are brief...merely the distracted cries of a frustrated mind, and yet he hears and responds. This also serves as evidence to me that when I pray a single sentence for someone..offered with my heartfelt concern for their need...that this prayer is as effective and as pleasing to him as the ones I used to offer, passionately covering every conceivable detail of that person's need before God and seeking his aid. And you know why this is so?? Because it is the best I can offer him right now...True, there are times when the Spirit fills me and I can pray passionate, focused prayers,...and at those times, I am obedient and I do so. But the vast majority of the time, I will think, "I need to pray," and I will get two minutes into the prayer and my mind will take off on some tangent over which I really have no control....and the prayer time is aborted because frequently I even forget what I started out to do...

I used to feel horribly guilty about this. But lately I've been thinking that OGod is gracious enough to recognize my limitations and surely he is adequate in HIS power to overcome the weakness of my prayers! He sees the concern or love in my heart for those I lift up to him...he knows that if I could, I would prostrate myself on the floor and pray all night for them...as I once used to do. And I believe he hears and honors my pathetic prayers....And I believe that I need to stop feeling inadequate and to stop kicking myself around the room because of their weakness. Spiritually speaking they are NOT weak...they are powerful for the tearing down of strongholds...they are my line to my God who is mighty to save. They serve, actually to mitigate any pride I once held at my prayer life and they prove to me over and over that it is ALL GOD and none of me who brings the answers!

One other area of weakness in my forgetfulness and my prayer life is this: ...When someone comes to me as they FREQUENTLY do, as I have somewhat of a reputation of a person who prays...and they tell me of an upcoming medical procedure for example....or a specific event which they would like to have covered in prayer....It is almost a guarantee that I will forget all about it later on...if I do ever recall it, it will be AFTER the fact...I've begun to battle this in two ways...I've bought a large desk sized planner, and I am going to carry a notebook in my pocket book...I must immediately note the prayer need and the date it takes place ...and then the second area of difficulty is to remember to LOOK at the planner each day. But I intend to make this a regular part of my devotions and so hopefully it will soon become a regular part of my day. The next thing I've done at times, is to RIGHT THEN, either pray with the person then and there, or pray for the need silently THEN AND THERE...and trust God that he will put it on his calendar and store up those prayers for the event. I fully believe this is appropriate and that God who dwells outside of time, will apply those prayers just as if they were offered at the moment of need.

In the subsequent posts in this series, I intend to explore other challenges that a life of faith and a relationship with God bring to those who are mentally ill...I hope you'll come back and check them out...I think that they, just as this one does, will hold relevance for even those who are in sound mind.