Monday, January 3, 2011

Can I do this Again?

As I mentioned to you in prior posts, I had an epidural in my spine three days before Christmas. That (for those who may not know) is an injection of steroids directly into the spine...the needle must be inserted into one of the gaps in the spinal column for it to be possible. Fortunately for me, it was done with "Twilight Sleep" which is another name for "I don't know a thing about what's going on because I'm completely asleep.")

This procedure was fairly unlikely in it's chances of even getting carried out....because well, I don't HAVE many openings in my spinal cord and the ones that are there are teeny tiny...being increasingly narrowed by the Psoriatic Arthritis that I suffer from. The arthritis is narrowing the spaces where nerves and the spinal cord itself must travel...so that the spinal cord is becoming flattened by the encroaching bone.

I'd had several other doctors attempt this procedure in the past, only to give up, defeated by the mess back there. But by somehow managing to go into my spine from the side, my pain management doctor got the needle in and was able to inject said steroids. Well, I awoke and immediately tears came to my eyes as, for the first time in over twenty years, my back did not hurt. And for the first time in two or three years, I did not have to fight the urge to scream from the intensity of the pain. It was amazing.

And although I still had some sharp twinges here and there, probably from my herniated discs causing a ruckus as I was able to move about more freely...the lack of pain continued.

For a whole week.

Then it started gradually coming back, and I knew, with a sick sinking feeling that, despite the success of the procedure, the epidural itself was a failure.

And last night, as I was awakened from a deep sound sleep by the intense pain in my back, I knew, once I'd gotten fully conscious that "IT"S BACK" and once again I fought the urge to cry. Now, because my relief had ended.

So the relief came in and went out heralded by tears. And today, I struggled all day with the question, "Can I really DO this again??" Because, let me tell you, it was GREAT to pick up a laundry basket...and to exercise, and to sit through church, and to do a million things that I hadn't been able to do in some years. And I really could - and did - get used to it.

And that was a big mistake.
Because my relief was so great, I also assumed it was long-lasting...I believed that it would carry me through the 3 months that it was supposed to work ...and was, and am, crushed that it didn't. Now I'm not a "pro" at it anymore. How quickly we forget pain and how to survive it, once it's gone for a day or two. Gone like a bad memory.

I did think occasionally of it and the end of it during my good week. I wondered if I could manage to go back to living in a recliner and hospital bed all the time. And the thought was so repugnant that I didn't wait for myself to answer but quickly changed the topic of thought.

I was really stupid.

Is hope ever stupid?

Well, maybe I should just take the gifts I got from this experience and savor them....
Like, now I know that I'm in pretty decent shape as far as strength and cardio endurance go...because in my workouts this past week, I amazed myself at what I could do without much pain. (Note: The steroids do seep into your whole system so therefore my pain from the PsA was also greatly alleviated...as was my cervical spine pain.)

And now I have the memory of a Bible Study gathering in front of the gi-normous Christmas tree and the crackling woodstove as we sang carols and ate cookies...and this without being sullied by pain.

I was able to be up for Christmas Eve dinner with my parents at my house...with only a little pain (of course, I did have a BAD case of steroid insanity but that only lasted for that one day....................It did, right???).

I was able to spend a long day out shopping, errand running, and mall crawling in relative ease.

I slept...in fact the HABIT of awaking at 12:00 was so ingrained that it was several days before I could get over that and sleep any later. I will probably miss sleep most of all my losses. No, that's not true. I would trade a LIFE for sleep any day.

I even was able to do a bit of yoga. And even got down to the floor and up again...with little trouble.

Shoot.

This whole list was such a bad idea. Because all those "gains" are now my "losses."
I don't know what more to say.
Pain just plain sucks.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

{{{hugs}}} - Your immensely brave to live with a pain like that, and I'm so sorry that the epidural didn't provide the long-term relief it was planned to do.

I also think it shows courage that you're trying to focus on the positives (what you've gained) even if that is currently making you feel worse.

Take care,
Differently

Cynthia Lott Vogel said...

Thank you Differently.
The truth is: it's not bravery; it's necessity. I really have no choice...other than to leap in front of a bus or some other equally messy option... (NOT that I haven't considered all those...) But I know that God has a reason for what he's doing. And I know that when I get to Heaven, I, more than most people, will be REALLY enjoying my new body. Secondary to the amazement of seeing Jesus; that will be the best part of Heaven for me. And THAT joy lasts for all Eternity whereas THIS pain only for the blink of an eternal eye...
So I guess the choice is clear:
"Put up (with it) and shut up!" Fortunately God is flexible about the "shut up" part and he lets me whine when need be.

thanks for visiting my blog and for the kindness of your comment!