Friday, December 31, 2010

To Live --or Die?

I read a blog post of some lonely, sad young woman somewhere in this world...who was counting out her pills and planning her next move , early this morning in the wee hours. I commented to her urging her, of course to try to just get through the night without any rash action. Thought about my overt helplessness in the situation, but then began to pray for her. Not a position of powerlessness but one of power.

I pray she made it through the night.

Reading her post took me back to similar nights...nights when I could no longer tolerate my mental agony, and not only counted those death-capsules, but swallowed them....And the miracles God worked to save me...literally snatch me from the very grave's edge and bring me back. At the time, I was angry about that: furious. I remember they had to put restraints on my wrists as, even in my stupor, I struggled to pull the ventilator tubes from my mouth ....Determined to die. And so angry at being thwarted.

Things did not improve quickly after that.

It really took several years before I was not looking for any opportunity to exit this planet. But at the same time, I had this helpless sense, that no matter what I did, God would not allow it. That for some reason he had me here and I was "doomed" to stay and carry out that purpose.

Now, even all these years later, I'm not really sure what that purpose was specifically...It was probably a combination of lots of things he wanted me to do. And things he wanted me to become. I was not ready for heaven...and not qualified for hell. I was his child. And so I had to suffer through the hell of some years before I could get to the point where I could look back at that rescue with any kind of gratitude.

And things got better.

And then things got worse.

And now things are once more on the upswing.

Nothing in life is static. If you feel one way one moment and think it's not tolerable, wait five minutes, and it will change! Even things that are persistent like despair or deep depression...are ultimately temporary. The thing about depression though, is that, from the vantage point of being inside of it; it looks interminable. hopeless. But that is a lie of your emotions.

The other lie is that the only escape is death. THAT particular lie is, I believe, straight from the pit of hell. The enemy is a murderer and a destroyer. How best to accomplish that task but to convince us to take ourselves 'Out' for him? To make US to the dirty work. But later, when we come back out on the other side of that dark cloud...and look back with a shudder, we are amazed that we could have been so convinced to do such a foolish thing; To think that walking into that dark night would really IMPROVE things for us at all! It is only through LIFE that we have any hope of salvation...and here I am not really talking about God's salvation,...but salvation from death and despair.

I mean, really, how do you KNOW that after death there will be nothing?
I tried really hard to convince myself of this.
Wanted with all my heart to believe it.
But that is another of the Deceiver's handy dandy lies.

Now, years later, I've experienced and met up with the furies of hell. with spirits so malevolent that the thought of them too, brings shudders. I have no doubt that such a place exists...and our hell is NOT on this earth, as we conveniently try to believe.

I'm not trying to frighten or terrify anyone into staying alive...although if that works, so be it.
But it is something to be seriously weighed and SERIOUSLY considered. How do you KNOW what you'll be facing; where you'll be going should you choose that route? It's really a high stakes gamble...and not one you can change your mind about.

Why risk all of eternity because of the misery of a few minutes, hours or even years??
It's really craziness to do that. And the enemy is really good at obscuring Truth from our minds in times of distress. Better to admit, "OKay, I am not at my most rational right now...I should not make any eternal decisions in this moment. " and wait. Wait a day or a year....and think REALLY carefully.

Honestly, suicide does not make any kind of sense.
that from a person who's tried it more times than I care to admit.

But I'll bet my 18 year old daughter is glad that in those years before her birth, I did not succeed at my exit plans. For that reason alone my staying and sticking out these 20+ more years has been worth a few nights of misery....

Look at that agony as labor pains. Pains that will birth in new life ...and fresh starts ...and new hope. NO one would kill themselves because childbirth hurts. They are focused on the product of that pain..and that makes it so much more worth it.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My Year in Review

A new year is approaching. It would be hard to miss. Everywhere you go you hear about "New Year's Resolutions" I believe last year, I wrote about (somewhere in one of my blog sites....) how I hate the term "New Year's resolutions... because it has become a mockery...a synonym for failure.

Last year at this time, I made some "RESOLVES" (I thought that sounded firmer and more permanent than the other term). I weighed about 220 at this time last year...having gained 80+pounds in a short span of time from all of the steroids and the massive doses of psych meds they had me on. I also was basically, a zombie. The combination of the mind and body numbing psych meds added to the negative symptoms of the illness (schizophrenia, for those of you who might be new to this blog), left me lethargic and devoid of any ambition or ability to focus on any task. As a result, of this and the disability of severe physical pain combined with asthma which, at that time, left me unable to walk across a room without gasping (literally); all I did was sit on my fat butt and stare into space.

Truly.
That is what I did 24/7.

My room was a disaster area and my house sadly neglected.
I cared about really very little then.
And even when I cared about something, I couldn't summon the energy or will to attend to it.

It was at that point that the pictures in this blog post were taken : http://cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-read-blog-of-friend-this-morning.html (see the post, "A Long Journey" from November of this year.)

And it was at the end of December of last year when I started becoming impatient with the state of affairs. And I began to make tiny efforts at change....Tiny overtures toward health.

Two things happened then that changed my life - hopefully, forever.

The first was that I began to read about other psych meds...meds which made some people anxious or agitated. Or which kept them awake. And about one antidepressant which did the same and actually could assist with weight loss. Some people on SZ.com (www.schizophrenia.com) hated these meds. And they reacted badly to them. So I thought to myself, "My meds are making me fat, tired, sluggish and unmotivated. I guess I DO need to take something...but on something that actually makes me feel BETTER and not like I'm already dead." So, I wrote down a list of the meds that I wanted to be on. There was a combination of energizing and sedating medicines...so that some I could take in the morning, and the sedating ones at night. I showed the list to my psychiatrist and told her, "I'd like to try these." She looked them over and agreed to try.

So then began the process of weaning me off of the other drugs and beginning me on the new ones. As these new drugs kicked in, I began to come alive. I was interested in things again. And slowly, slowly, I began to be able to lose weight....It still required effort and self control, but at least now it was POSSIBLE, whereas before, it wasn't.

The other thing that happened back at the end of last December was that I heard about a weight loss program or support group, or something, (I really wasn't sure at the time, what it was ) called "SparkPeople.com." Someone at schiz.com had recommended it to me, so I meandered over there and checked it out.

I was immediately impressed, intrigued and HOOKED. This was (and IS) an awesome site! Comprised of millions of members, worldwide...it is a community of people who are committed to the pursuit of a healthier body and lifestyle. It is based on the time tested principles of a healthy, well rounded diet of moderation. You don't "give up "any foods that you do not want to give up...(although Funny Bones are NOT generally encouraged.) It is also committed to the idea of exercise and overall activity. As much as your body is able to generate. Granted there are some people who are limited in their ability to move...But SP works with you, offering exercise ideas for every level of fitness or lack thereof.

I saw pictures and read stories of people who'd lost over a hundred pounds - some even several hundred - and were now running marathons. These were people who had been wheelchair or bed-bound, simply from their immense size.

As I read more and more, I got more and more excited.
I could DO this!

The biggest problem other than my pain issues, was the asthma which was so very limiting to my level of activity. After my last massive asthma attack last April, (which left me even fatter and more swollen after huge doses of IV steroids for over a two week span in the hospital), I was fatter and weaker and more breathless than ever.

Up until this point, honestly, I'd been very tentative in my level of involvement at Spark. But somehow, as I laid in that hospital bed, I knew that if something didn't drastically change, I would soon be dead.
And I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired (and fat) ....

So I began to gradually be more committed. more involved. more active.
My exercise plan at first went like this: every day do more than you did the day before. The first time I ventured out my front door to walk, I was terrified. I knew that I might very well not make it back. That day, I think I got down my driveway...and then had to come back.
But I didn't quit.
Each day I went further, praying with every step for God to give me the strength to get there and back. Now when I originally thought about walking in my neighborhood, I immediately thought, "IMPOSSIBLE. " My house is located in the Pocono Mountains. And while they are not like the Rockies or anything, there is no such thing as level ground here. EVERYTHING is either uphill or downhill. So to think of walking, never mind powerwalking...ONE mile, let alone two, or three...was a pipe dream. But eventually, that's what I was doing.

I was determined. And I have an awesome God.

There were naysayers. My doctor, who told me that my lungs could not tolerate any demand placed on them. My mom told me I'd end up killing myself if I tried to exercise or walk. My husband who told me that changing meds was madness and would land me back in the hospital.

Let me just give you a progress report now, one year later.
I've dropped from a size 18 and sometimes 20, to a size 10. I now wear mediums instead of XXL. I'm up to now, at least 45 minutes daily of high impact aerobics alternating with weight training. I've lost 34" total on my body (of fat) and lost between 51 and 61 pounds (I'm not positive of my starting weight because I avoided scales...at the last I was weighed it was 210 but I know I gained weight after that). And I have gained and am gaining new muscle.
Other than being admitted for a hip replacement (yes, that came in the middle of all of this), I haven't been hospitalized since last April...for any reason...Nor have I had a single cold or respiratory infection. I made it through the entire fall, which is typically , my worst season, without a glitch.

I still have a way to go before I'm at my goals...but I am well on my way.
And I'm not quitting now.

So when you hear of people making resolutions that fail....well they just didn't want to change badly enough.
This year I challenge you: whatever your limitations; whatever you feel makes your situation, "impossible"...I tell you it's only impossible if you believe that it is. With God all things are possible. But you have to believe that first. And then act based on that belief. And things will begin to change.

Yes, I still struggle with asthma, but I also can now run up and down a flight of stairs without breathlessness.
I still struggle - mightily - with severe pain.
I still struggle with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
But God gets me over each hurdle as they come and I don't look at the hurdles as roadblocks. They are rather, hurdles....and I'm getting to be an awesome hurdle jumper!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Yes, You're at the Right Blog!

As you can see, Treasures from Darkness has gotten a new look for the New Year which is breathing down our necks. I don't know about you, but as far as I'm concerned, it was due. And while this may not be the most widely creative layout, I think it is not hard on the eyes and is a welcome departure from the old look which the blog has had since it's inception almost two years ago....

I hope you enjoy checking it out...and I hope you return often!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Knowing the Darkness by Living in the Light

I was doing my reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" (a devotional book by Oswald Chambers, if you haven't heard of it) this morning...and a sentence struck me. The passage in general was about us coming to REALLY know what sin is... The Scripture reference it used was 1 John 1:7 "If we walk in the light as He is in the light....the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son cleanses us from all sin." Today's devotion talked about how it is only through God's redemption (the exposure of our souls to the Light) that can expose to us the true nature of sin. And the line which most powerfully struck me was the last in the passage:
"To 'walk in the light' means that everything that is of the darkness actually drives me closer to the center of the light.'"
Thus it is that through knowledge of and exposure to the light, we come to know, recognize and accurately assess what it is that the darkness consists of implies, and leads to in us. And we come to know that the darkness in us is much more than merely outward "acts of sin." Prior to our rescue from the realm of darkness, the darkness is not only what we do, but who we are. At salvation, the POWER of the darkness is broken in us once and for all; however the habits of darkness still remain and it is only by deliberate exposure to the Light that they can be vanquished and defeated and removed. The Light brings us to a new place altogether. The more the light grows in us, the less the darkness is able to exist for the two cannot inhabit the same sphere at the same time.

God, the Father is the Light; the source of all Light and true illumination.
He reveal(s) the deep and secret things : he know(s) what is in the darkness, and the light dwell(s) with him. Dan 2:22 KJV {Modifications in () }
And Jesus walked in this light throughout his earthly life and inhabits that Light and in fact, IS that Light (see the references a bit further down) ...And according to 1 John 1:17, we are to walk (or live or inhabit) that light in the same way as Christ did.

How does this translate practically?
It is by deliberately exposing ourselves to the Light of God that the darkness in us is gradually ousted.

This world is a dark place...I think even the people who do NOT know the Lord would agree to that. However they fail to understand that the darkness is not only in the world around them but that it begins and thrives on a much more primary level. It possesses their souls. It is integral to their very being. And all the darkness in the world about us originates, not in the actions or hearts of "the bad guys" but in every one of us who is born on this earth.

And we cannot free ourselves from this darkness merely by being around good people, trying to be a "good person" ourselves, or by hanging out at church. The Light must be BORN in us. It must inhabit us. It needs to shine into the darkest corners of our souls and begin to work its way outward in us.

People have it backwards...They think that the Light can be brought to life in us from the outside in: that by "doing good thing" or "being good" we can conquer the darkness in us and in the world. This is the grave error made by philanthropists and people such as Oprah. They think their deeds of charity will change the nature of darkness in them. They think that it will divert them from the destiny to which that darkness inevitably will lead them.

The truth is that Light must be born in us--much in the way the Light was born on this earth 2000+ years ago. And that Light will grow as we are exposed to it more and more. We have then, the Source of Light in us and as it shines and reveals the dark things in us; it overpowers, conquers them and delivers us from their terrible consequences.

So back to the quote by Chambers...What did he mean by this? Simply that, the more we KNOW the light, the more we will LOVE the light and eschew and despise the darkness. We will shun it and shut it out from our beings. We will also no longer be fooled by the propaganda and lies of darkness. We are able to see it for what it truly is and know where it truly leads. We will understand that darkness and death go hand in hand and that Light is a thing that is tied to and linked with Life. And we will gain the ability to recognize and identify it in all its subtle and sneaky manifestations in our lives and in the world around us.

But we are not able to see any of this...until we have first seen and known the Light.
Jesus said,

1 John 1: 5 says this:
This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
Jesus said this in John 12:46:

"I have come as Light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me will not remain in darkness.

Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world ; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." (John 8:12)
It is fascinating to go to an online concordance or Bible search engine and plug in the two words "light , " and "darkness" and then see what comes up. The Bible is replete with passages on this topic. The disciple, John, especially was fascinated with this idea. Both his gospel and his epistle are full of references to Jesus' words on it.

It must be a matter of our attention and focus..and gaze. Where do we spend our time? What do we think about? Whose opinion really matters and whose approval do we seek? Who do we emulate and desire to be like? On what do we spend our money? Who or what gets our FIRST attention in the morning?

This is not anything that can or should be accomplished by trying harder. It is a matter of allowing God to do it in us...HE will conquer darkness by his mere presence. But we must GIVE HIM ROOM TO OCCUPY if he is to be fully "present" in us. And we must be "present" with him.
How do we know Jesus more? Study and expose yourself to his words...Who we are is most clearly identifiable through what we say and do. And the only source (or the major source) of these word and deeds is in the Bible. Particularly in the New Testament Gospels which chronicle his life. Don't go there with a preconceived idea of who or what he is. Try to go with an open mind and heart. Read it as though you've never seen it before nor heard of him before. Read as a child hearing it for the very first time. And ask him to show you who he is.

And he will.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Announcing Some Permanent Pages:

I have added several permanent pages and will add more in the future...You will see them listed on the home page above the regular posts column. Please take a look at them. Enjoy!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dive in on the Deep End

I'm jumping into this post with no other impetus (or ideas) besides this one: It's been 6 days and it's TIME TO WRITE A NEW POST. Where have I been? Here. What have I been doing?? Nothing. Some days ago (I don' t know how many; time is meaningless without landmarks); I went to stand up from sitting in my recliner. PAIN! Pain like I can't even describe shot through my back. Pain so bad that I froze...couldn't move a muscle for fear of jostling this hurting body. Pain so bad that I could not take a breath. Carefully, I sat back down. And there - and here (in my bed) - I had been for a number of days...close to a week, I think. Pain stayed at about a 9 on the scale (1-10)...and I couldn't do a single thing about it.

However, yesterday, I went for another stab at an epidural (haha). No doctor has ever been able to penetrate the spinal column and get into the spine itself with a needle to be able to inject steroids - although yesterday was the fifth attempt. I figured it was worth a shot . (haha again). Each doctor confidently brags, "Oh, I can do it." and then crawls away in humiliation having to admit that NO, they could not. (Arthritis has narrowed every opening in my spine through which the nerves travel closing them down and causing the nerves to be compressed and the spinal cord itself has become flattened.) This doctor said "I think, maybe I can do it." and Lo and behold: He could!

So now it is a waiting game. I'm had some improvement in my pain levels...but I do not yet know if the improvement will last for three days or three months. And there's no way to predict or to know until I've experienced it. Talk about "living dependently upon God's grace!" It is a bit hard to know that the relief is temporary...perhaps VERY temporary....but I am determined to get every bit of benefit out of it that I can. Today, I went like a whirlwind through my house, catching up on things that had been left a mess through the past week of my recliner-dom.

It is now Christmas Eve, as of 21 minutes ago.

The other day at our informal Bible Study gathering, where we just got together to sing carols and to pray...a song was played for us that I'd never before heard. I believe it was called, "One King" or something like that. It had a line in it...as we listened, while looking at my friend's Christmas tree, so huge, that it brushed her cathedral ceilings, and listened to the crackle of the wood stove....The line said something about "One babe, one King, who entered bringing Light into this dark world."

We had just been discussing the topic of suffering. It is a topic that I think a lot about....and experience daily. I thought of this world, darkened by sin and tainted and cursed with sometimes unfathomable suffering; and I thought of how, somehow: inexplicably and miraculously, the KING of Heaven donned the helpless, dependent flesh of a baby....contained and compressed all of his greatness into that tight, small space of Mary's womb...and came to bring us hope for an end to our suffering. He came to bring the Light of Heaven into this dark and hopeless planet.

I wondered, as I thought about this, whether he abdicated all of his Heavenly greatness; his 'GOD-ness' while he was in that womb....Did he have some kind of God-awareness of his new environment?? Did His greatness feel confined, pressed, and squeezed as he inhabited that small space? Was he "God" there? Or just a baby, with no ability to understand or recall his environment later on?? I thought of how Elizabeth's babe in her womb, "leapt" at the recognition of the presence of God contained in Mary's womb, early on in her pregnancy....and I knew that there was, in a real way, the existence of "God's presence" in that womb from the very beginning of her pregnancy.

And as God, I believe there must have been some awareness on his part. Whether that awareness of who he was and what he was here for, continued through his infancy and childhood, I do not know. But I do somehow think that that incomplete fetus understood and experienced, in that womb, his new limitations.... I think of the immensity of his Power and Greatness. I think of the worship that he received always prior, in heaven...and now, here he was, limited to a finite number of cells, crowded and contained by the loving womb which held him. And I believe he suffered in that womb...even as he later suffered on the cross...even as he suffered during his life under the vile treatment of mankind...

And I think of the love that compelled him to do this. And that the love was for you; for me. That he did it to personally alleviate MY suffering-and yours and to bring us a hope and a future....to give us an invite into his true Kingdom where we might experience, finally, an understanding of his majesty, power and greatness. We will see the adulation of angels for him. We will stand with the throngs of the redeemed, and honor and praise him as he really was due all along. And we will weep at the way we'd diminished him in our understandings; in our lives--just as he was squashed and diminished in that womb. And we will finally begin to see and comprehend the great gift that is our--the Christmas miracle--every day of our trek here on this planet.

Those who are his own will begin to see and to apprehend, the thing that angels long to understand and experience: The miracle of our redemption as a result of that incarnation. And as the strains of that beautiful song faded, and the fire crackled, I was awed and moved by a new grasp of the gift that is ours; not just this Christmas, but each day of our lives: The Love that drove that Light into our dark earth to end the curse of suffering and death and sin. And I was moved to tears which filled my eyes but didn't quite spill. Tears of gratitude. Tears of joy. And all the pain in my body faded to insignificance in the light of this gift.

The lights on the tree twinkled.
The voices of my friends surrounded me...
............... and the Love of my Father, filled me.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Anhedonia

I should be getting out of bed. I should be exercising...showering...getting ready for the big weekly trip to Walmart (woo-hoo). But I can't talk myself into it. I was thinking this morning...trying to recall the last day that I had any anticipation for the day to come.

I can't recall one in as long as I can remember.

Is that depression? Is it schizophrenia? (Anhedonia just bites). Or is it just a REALLY boring life?

Pain makes everything hard. It makes me not want to get up in the morning. It sucks the enjoyment out of anything that maybe I might want to do.

I just do what I need to do - but just barely. I even sleep in my clothes and sometimes don't bother changing the next day either (gross huh?). I'm online ALL the time. My house is neglected. Cooking is neglected (okay, non-existent). I know that I need to get back into eating healthfully. It's true that when I was a raw vegan, all my focus and time was spent on preparing food and buying it...and I knew that was wrong...But is it any more wrong than what I'm doing (OKay, NOT doing) now??

I miss praying intensely -- like I used to ....and I wonder, was that a manifestation of the manic phase I was entering into then? And why do I find it SO hard to pray now?? I know why...it's because I can't concentrate on anything, especially anything which is so completely carried on mentally...

I don't want to come across as defeated or as a "downer"...but sometimes I feel like I'm running around doing everything possible to avoid admitting these feelings. Like if I look at them or admit them, they will overwhelm me....again. So I pretend they don't exist. I smile...I laugh (occasionally when in public but very rarely otherwise) and I ignore the fact that my life really is not very easy, pleasurable, or useful...

I think of the schooling program I am going to be beginning. Will that help by giving me a focus and maybe by changing my life for the better? Or will it just frustrate me and be another burdensome thing I 'SHOULD' be doing but can't?
I can't really work up much enthusiasm for the career that will maybe follow the schooling. I mainly want to go to the school for my own personal information and knowledge...not so much to work afterward....But I know that OVR will want me to work, after they've invested all that money in my training. And who knows? Maybe if I do, my interest will be piqued and I'll enjoy it...at least I'll have a reason to get up in the morning. Or maybe I'll be overwhelmed and fall apart....I'd say the chances of the latter are at least as good as those of the former.

Maybe I should just stop projecting and being negative and just go downstairs and exercise so hard that I can't think of anything else? At least then I'll have ONE thing to feel good about today.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Loved Like Crazy

This past week or two has been really hard. I've been struggling with symptoms, and then had an outbreak of psoriasis (from the stress, doubtless) and so have been put on corticosteroids. And they, in turn have made me feel even worse in numerous ways...They skyrocket my anxiety level to unbearable heights...they cause depression and yes, worsen or cause psychosis.... I've been so anxious that I walk around literally talking aloud to myself giving myself directions as to what to do next...And I found today that I went from task to task (leaving huge messes in my wake for me to clean up later), and flitted like a butterfly on acid from thing to thing, not getting anything much accomplished in any one event...But the good thing is that I did try to rein myself in with a "to do list" and this kept me a bit more on track....I kept coming back to things that I was working on and doing a bit more before becoming distracted and wandering off to the next thing.

And in the midst of my day, I've been messing with my playlist (which I just listed in the prior post, check it out for some great music...). I added a few songs to it today. And I discovered that my CD drive...which had not been working...decided to fix itself so I was able to put some new music on my mp3 player. And there were a number of incidents today that caused distress...but God took care of them all, one by one throughout the day. I was at a loss, and He took over...one by one until they were all fixed --except one. I'd lost a $50 bill yesterday when I went to Walmart. There is no error. I'd counted my money before leaving and wrote it down...and then counted it this morning and the fifty is gone.

So, I refigured my budget....and I'm still going to make it through the month...just a bit tighter that's all. So I mentally wished the person who found it, a "Merry Christmas" and prayed to my Father that that $50 would be an answer to need and to prayer for someone. And I'm okay about it ...I trust that God will work a miracle for someone...and I would be glad to have been the cause.

And as I read my Bible Study chapter in the book we are currently working through ("Crazy Love" by Francis Chan)...which I"m only just now reading and Bible Study is SOON tonight...because I'd lost the book temporarily...that was one of the problems God solved for me; it occurred to me that in my struggles of the week, I've really had quite a bad attitude. Extremely negative...probably a good bit of self pity thrown in...and when things started to landslide...I just threw myself into that downward momentum, rather than trying to dig my feet in and get it all to stop. It may be true honestly that I could not have prevented or changed anything...but my heart COULD'VE been a lot closer to God through the process. I could have spent a lot more time praising and a lot less cursing. And I am really ashamed about that...(OKAY, "convicted")...I've already talk to the Lord about it...and the conversation is ongoing....but I needed to apologize to you readers as well. NO one wants to read a diatribe of negativity. I'm sorry I wallowed...because I really did.

And that's all the self-flagellation I will do. Because you know what? God loves me like crazy...and he's teaching me to love Him right back with that same Crazy Love. And therefore I have it in me to rejoice despite my circumstances...Not because of my own wonderful temperament...but because I have HIS person in me and HIS resources of joy, peace and love. I just forget that big bank account I have there to draw on when I 'm in need (which is 24/7). So, hopefully things will look a lot brighter around here. Hope you come back :)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Keeping the Peace

These are some of the lyrics from a Jars of Clay song....
they are sort of relevant to me...I tend to constantly wear headphones (or ear buds)
and music blasting ....to muffle some of my Voices.
And the headphone serve other purposes as well, as the song points out.

I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It’s a heavy world, it’s too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it’s not there

With my headphones on, with my headphones on
With my headphones on, with my headphones on....

....At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me
(I can see you looking back at me)
I think I know you
By the sad eyes that I see
I want to tell you (It’s a heavy world)
Everything will be okay
You wouldn’t hear it (I don’t want to have to hear it)
So we go our separate ways…

With our headphones on, with our headphones on
With our headphones on, with our headphones on
I don’t wanna be the one who tries to figure it out
I don’t need another reason I should care about you
You don’t want to know my story
You don't wanna feel my pain
Livin' in a heavy heavy world
With my headphones on.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious namehttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=2080716423314333626&postID=2920644071097830827

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Though the path is dark. Though it may lead me where I do not want to go.
...still I will trust and bless the One
who is holding me by the hand.
I've put together a playlist on Youtube which may be helpful to someone...
.who is struggling wiht confusion or depression.
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=3E8BB9495F618909
It has gotten me through the past several nights.
Someitmes all I am able to do is to crank up my headphones...
.the worst part of being in the hospital is to be away from music.
Pray with me that my path is not leading me there.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I Love the Lord (Be Still My Soul)

Rambling Truth

It is odd. I maintain four blogs....and I write a new post every two or three days for each. This blog is on the topic (mostly) of mental illness and of my faith and it is the central venue for the mini-ministry God has given me to people who suffer from it. (I'm trying so carefully to find the right words and appropriate contexts...which is hard because my mind is being anything but cooperative at the moment.) This is my most "public" website. And therefore, I've tried to maintain a public and respectable "face" or presence on it. Some of my other blogs are more open and honest and raw. They are also more anonymous.

As anyone who suffers with mental illness could tell you...this becomes really tricky at times. (I'm averaging one sentence per five minutes here now and re-reading the whole thing in between to find out what I was just saying).

I was just thinking last night and this morning as I contemplated what to say to you next. Now. When the tables are turning a bit. And I'm speaking less from a past tense perspective and in more of a present tense one. And am suffering a flash of massive doubt just now, that ANY of this is coherent. or comprehensible. Because oddly, the site where I've been most "open" about my mental illness...is really one of the lesserly (is that a word? Spell check says NO) honest ones. I've detached myself from it here. I've spoken of it as if it were a cancer from which I've completely recovered.

And that is a bit of a lie....

The post here... (http://cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-read-blog-of-friend-this-morning.html ) where I posted those hideous pix of me....tore some of the cellophane wrapping off of my illness. It gave a face to some of my earlier posts here...and I'll bet it wasn't what you anticipated. Because with words, I AM IN CHARGE...sort of . To a point. But pictures are worth a thousand words. Were I really brave, I would take a pic of me now. But regardless of my attempts at honesty, there is a limit to which I will go. This is not a REALITY show. If you want that, go watch TV. Now Ive totally lost myself. I have NO clue what I was just saying. See, now the WORDS are in charge and not I.

Let me try to recover this runaway post.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that mental illness is an ongoing, lifelong thing. And there are times when one does well and manages their symptoms ....and there are times when the symptoms manage them....
I believe I'm in, or entering in...to one of those latter times. the past week has been a massive struggle. My thoughts are bouncing from place to place. Fears - crazy irrational fears which would make you laugh at their unlikelihood were I to tell you of them -- are overpowering me and keeping me in a perpetual state of terror. I'm sitting on my hands at times and counting to well, as high as I can concentrate to...probably ten....trying not to do myself harm. I've been clinging hard to a friend in London online and she's literally been dragging me ....sentence after sentence away from a bloody end.

My pain levels have been severe. Really really severe.
And it's all I can do to talk myself into a tomorrow.

And worst of all...dreams have invaded my days. hallucinations if you want to call them that....I always hear voices. I often have tactile hallucinations...(feel things with my senses that aren't real....) but this is a new ball game. Or a new inning of a game that has gone into way too many overtimes. But now, these things are kidnapping me and lifting my from my surroundings and taking me where they will. And I'm really afraid that soon, I won' t find my way back.

The hospital is not an obvious or easy answer.
The majority of the local hospitals here have closed their doors to me...saying that I am too sick for them to safely manage. That I need to be committed long term to a state facility. And I'm so afraid that that is what may happen, simply because we are optionless.

If that happens i won't be coming back.
I'm sure I will die soon after going there....from not having my medical needs met. And from total despair. I'm sure that once I hear that lock click...every vestige of self control will exit with my husband....and I will hit the rafters. And that will be all she'll write. (haha. that was funny. and unintentional).

These are hard realities. and there are less and less realities that I am holding onto right now. the main one I"ve been focusing on is the reality that God loves me and that HE controls my future,....not some man in a white coat. Not even my husband with his finger poised above "911."

And I think that this is as far as my concentration takes me now. this is my bus stop ...it's been nice riding with you.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In the Furnace

Tomorrow's my birthday....
And more than any gift...I want a solution.
A solution to a huge problem.

I've decided not to speak of it to anyone...except for three people...two of whom were because I panicked and didn't trust God completely. Usually when I have a need, I talk of it to people, and then when the need gets met, often through the people I've mentioned it to...I feel like I orchestrated the answer...and that that wasn't really trust.

This time, in the biggest challenge my family has yet faced - I've been quiet.
I now trust, completely, that God will bring some kind of miracle, and bring the solution.
And I want to know that - and for my family to know that - the answer is ALL GOD and none of me.

I have mentioned to two people that I have a need for prayer. And I know they are praying. I will probably mention it tonight at my Bible study, without any specifics whatsoever.

Does this scare me--when everything literally rests on this solution? Yes and no.
Because my "flesh" (my natural self- apart from God) is terrified of what I know can happen so easily. I feel cowardly and would be filled with dread....IF....

.....I let myself go there.

But I'm not. Because in an equally, or probably greater way, I have confidence that my God has a hope and a plan for my family's future...One of benefit and not harm. (Jeremiah 29:11-14, I believe). And I have CHOSEN to place my confidence and faith in that. But I also have a very real sense, a sense that goes beyond my will in the matter, that God is going to provide a way out. And that there will be blessing in it for my family as well.

God gave me Psalm 34: 4-9 today in my devotions. And I knew it was Him telling me, "This is for you." It goes like this in the NLT:

I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the LORD in my suffering, and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the LORD guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in him! Let the LORD's people show him reverence, for those who honor him will have all they need.

And then, just moments ago, I was scanning an article and a sentence was written in bold type, so it drew my eye. It said this:
“Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” (Psalm 50:15)
And I knew that was for me today too.
And I read in my devotional book, Come Away my Beloved, by Frances J Roberts an entry called
" You shall not be Earthbound" which spoke greatly in numerous places, to my points of need this morning.

These things are NOT coincidence. They are most definitely orchestrated by the hand of God. They are His voice, whispered in complete darkness, "I know. and I'm here to help."

I know that EVEN IF, the situation turns out NOT in the manner we would wish it to, that these verses will still be proven true in the paths that God leads us.

Just like the friends of Daniel said as they were being thrown into the furnace of fire,

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up. Daniel 3:17-18
Even if we must go through the fire...as did these three men...I know that there will be a fourth figure walking in the midst of us...as there was with Daniel's friends. And I know that what he is doing will be much better than anything I could have arranged.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

NO WARM FUZZIES

Sometimes I feel like an inadequate Christian.

I know that my heart is committed to the Lord. I know that I will follow him anywhere. I trust him in all circumstances...even like now, when it's been tough. I am (usually) loving to people although, I will willingly admit, I am NOT the most sensitive or considerate person. I often fall short in sending out "Thank You" notes...and am lucky if I remember my husband or daughter's birthdays, let alone anyone that of anyone else Those are not areas in which I'm gifted. (I DO know, however, not to end a sentence with a preposition! lol)

And I don't walk around all bubbly and cheerful and oozing Jesus everywhere I go.

I confess. That's true. And I'm a bit ashamed of it. I don't know whether Jesus has just not fully transformed my character yet....or whether this is just ME and I'm being the way he wants me to be. I have a rather biting sense of humor....and sometimes, I admit, can take it too far. I tend to be kind of gloomy in my manner....Life has been hard...and I'm not able to pretend that it hasn't. But it's been hard for other people too....and THEY go around spouting Bible verses and worship songs and "PTL"s....and I look at them and I look at myself and I have to wonder: What's my deal?? Why am I not like that?

I'm not a naturally optimistic person...although when I compare myself to some of the Cassandras around me; I'm delusional in the degree of my positivity. My optimism is NOT based on life or on what life has to dole out. I'm incredibly negative in that regard. Expect the worst; because it' s bound to happen; that's more my motto. BUT, I have a great trust and faith that when the worst comes, our Lord rides the winds to come to our aid and that he walks with us through every valley. Because my life has taught me both of these outlooks, and I know them to be truth. I will not delude myself or others to believe otherwise.

I know some people who are so doggedly, blindly rejecting of life's trials and hardships...declaring them all to be "from Satan" (when I believe that everything that comes to touch us, first must go through God's approval process)...that they REFUSE to even admit that they are sick or hurting...when obviously, they are!! I say that this is not only delusional, but dishonest...and I'm not afraid to tell them so when push comes to shove. This honesty of mine has recently gotten me into trouble....but that's another story.

I'm kind of a prickly, acrimonious person. I don't think it is only life that has made me this way...I think I was born this way.

My mother frequently speaks of how, as a baby, I never would accept a snuggle or a cuddle, but rather would "stiff-arm" her and be in quite a hurry to get elsewhere.

So, should I continue to feel less than adequate as a believer because I do not exude the warm fuzzies? Or should I just accept that this is how God made me to be and to recognize my tendency to be insensitive and try to guard against hurting others? There are other gifts that God has given me...but thoughtfulness and considerateness are not among them.

I will say that this has given me a greater ministry with some others (usually males with higher intelligence for some reason. My daughter often laughs and tells me I should have been a man). I am much more cut and dried and go straight to the chase...and I like to THINK about things in depth....Some of my favorite books are the Works of Jonathan Edwards and those of Oswald Chambers, John Piper, and Randy Alcorn...I can say, (and with some pride) that I have never (and will never) read a romance novel, Christian or otherwise....

But ask me to host a dinner party, or to comfort someone who's just lost a loved one? I would definitely flounder.
But there is a time and a place for everything under the sun...and I need to just know my place and not beat myself up because I don't have every gift or strength. God had a gap that he created me to fill here on this earth... I am the person God has made, so rejoice and be glad in it!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

My Soul Magnifies The Lord



A bunch of people rockin' in worship...and you can tell they're not used to it!

Why God, why??

Today I went to church....and was in so much pain that all I could do throughout the whole thing was to pace the floor and count the minutes until I could get back into my bed. And when I finally did, I don't think anything in my whole life has been a bigger relief...except when I'd dislocated my hip and finally, after about five hours of pain like I cannot describe to you, they gave me an anesthetic. But this afternoon, I fell asleep when I hit the bed, about as quickly as I did from the conscious sedation that day in the hospital. Pain has a way of draining you completely. I think that's why I go to bed at about 7:30 at night. It's like my body says, "Okay, I've had enough of this..." and I'm asleep almost as soon as I hit the bed.

They prayed for me again after church. One of the men who was sitting near me saw how much pain I was in during church and asked me to come up front to be prayed for again. Again, many from the congregation came forward to pray for me. On the three occasions where they have done this for me recently, I felt so bathed with their love that it brought tears to my eyes. And in each of the times when I had to stand afterward and realize that God had chosen once more not to heal...I felt a sadness for them...because they sincerely believed that God would make a move of Divine Healing and remove my pain. I felt that in some way I was letting them down, by not walking out with a restored spine. I know that God can do this. But I'm starting to really feel that He won't.

I had a day last week where, in great pain and in great angst I prayed and cried out to God for an answer and an explanation as to what possible reason he could have in allowing me to suffer like this. And in the moments after my prayer; Heaven was silent. But later that day, through conversations with two other people, God showed me clearly that my pain is helping some people deal with the pain in their own lives. And that truly, I am blessed of God to be able to have this ministry and to be able to "share in His suffering." This is not a concept that sits well with people. It is not something that is easily translated into our world where things must feel good and be comfortable for them to be right. It is rather, a mystery. And it is one that God has allowed me a tiny peek into understanding.

I have a good friend, a sister in the Lord, who lives in the Philippines. And she and her family experience daily the bite and sorrow of extreme poverty. They often have only a few bites of rice in an entire day for their sustenance. The children do not want XBoxes for Christmas. They have requested simple items of clothing...except for the eldest ( who is not very old), who has bravely said that she will forego her gift so that maybe the others can get theirs.) The younger two want a shirt and a pair of shoes. That moved me greatly. Here I am, enjoying a house so full of possessions that I don't know where to put them all...and these children want clothing for Christmas! Here I am struggling to find room in the refrigerator for the groceries we bought yesterday, and they have only rice.

This breaks my heart.

And I believe that it breaks the heart of God also. This is NOT what he created this world to be like. And I think His heart still aches when He sees things like this, even though He has already taken the necessary steps to ultimately correct the things that man has screwed up by his disobedience. Christ already has died on the cross. Death is already doomed. The sins and injustices of poverty are already righted ---in Heaven's time and perspective. So we ask, "Why God, why do you delay to bring relief here to us who suffer??" Scripture answers that question in the book of 2 Peter. Chapter 3 verses 8-9 say this:

But you must not forget, dear friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.


On the day when God brings this world to a close, he will judge death and he will judge sin...because isn't it after all, often the sins of people (and ourselves) which cause us such misery? And He will close the chapter on Suffering for those who love him and have acknowledged that it is through what Jesus did on the cross that they have any hope of this salvation. And sometimes my heart cries out...in unison with the hearts of all God's people who suffer, "Lord, HOW MUCH LONGER?"

And I look at the people that I love who have not yet sought Y'shua for their salvation...and I KNOW why God waits.

But then one still asks "Why? O God?" Why do I hurt? Why is my sister hungry?
And we do not always get an answer to these questions. But I have the full assurance that one day, when the obscurity of ignorance and Time is gone....When I look back at my life with eternal eyes, once I'm in His kingdom....all these questions will be gone. I won't even have to ask them to Him....because the answer will be plain.

God is at work. He is at work in me as a result of my pain. He is at work in the relief that He brings me through having a comfortable home and bed. He is at work in the fact that He brought me and my Filipina friend together and He has permitted me the great joy of helping her just a tiny bit as I am able. He brings us comforts and reliefs.

He is at work in the ways that He permits me the honor of reaching into your homes via the internet, and allowing me to share my words and my thoughts and my life with you. And maybe, my suffering has reached you in some way and encouraged you today in whatever struggle you are facing. A friend whom I met via my blogs who lives in England recently told me (on that very day that I cried my "why??" out to God,) that I'd repeatedly ministered to her through my writing and that it was ALWAYS a consequence of my suffering that I was able to do this. He allows us to comfort others and He brings us comfort through this fact and through them sharing the lessons of their pain with us.

And someday, when I stand in that place where Time as I once understood it, no longer exists, I will look at the measly few years of my suffering --and these 20+ years of pain WILL be only a few then--and it will be like the blink of an eye. But the things that I learned about my God as a result of them and the reward He gives me for being faithful to Him in the midst of this agony will NOT be temporary or fleeting. NO, those gifts I'll have for all eternity.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A New Direction?

I apologize for the several days of silence...
I've been exceedingly tired. Fatigue is a symptom of the PsA (Psoriatic Arthritis) and it has finally caught up with me, I think. I've been taking several naps a day in the past three days...sometimes for several hours. This is completely uncharacteristic of me as I've never been able to sleep during the day, unless I'm very sick. However, recently, my body will just decide "SLEEP, NOW!!" and off it will go and I have no ability to fight it (I've tried.). I must say though, that sometimes a midday nap is just SO nice. I've always regretted my inability to take them.

To "top" it off (you will get that joke in a second), a friend of mine bought a mattress topper for my bed, one that has a two inch Tempura-Pedic pad under it, and then the mattress cover itself is another 2" thick...so it makes my bed so cushy and yet still firm that all I need to do is lie on it for a minute or two and off I go. My friend's hopes were that this would solve some of the pain and consequential sleeplessness I've been experiencing ...and thus far, it looks like a promising solution. I still wake up very stiff from being in one position for too long, and must get out of the bed to move around a bit...but am able eventually, to go back to bed and back to sleep...So although, my sleep is broken, I am getting more total hours, which is a wonderful gift.

And one of the most exciting things on my horizon is that I've found a school which offers a distance learning program (both online and in listening to lectures loaded on an iPod that they provide for you.), which offers certification as a "Health Coach" with an emphasis in Nutrition...but it is more than just becoming a Nutritionist (which is something I have looked into)...it involves a more holistic view of the person as a whole...their habits, relationships, general health, etc.. When I found this, I was SO excited. I've wanted to go to school online in some type of certificate program (being 48 I do not wish to spend 4 years in school, I need to get on with things.), and wanted it to be for JUST THIS VERY THING! I've been interested in holistic nutrition for about the last five years, when I first ventured into vegetarianism and then into the raw vegan lifestyle. (I do not maintain that manner of eating any longer...but am still mostly a vegetarian). Food as medicine fascinates me, as does herbology which I believe is the manner God has gifted man to be able to treat and heal his diseases and discomforts. This program looks at both of those things. It explores over a hundred different eating methods (or "diets" ) that have been popular in the USA...and its premise is that there is no one "right" way to eat that will suit everyone...but that food and diet are individually oriented and must be determined through listening to our bodies and by experimenting.

The program is one year long. Upon graduation I would be able to work in conjunction with , say, a chiropractic office, or a health food store, or an MD's office ...or as a personal consultant and even may offer consultation via phone and internet...This excited me greatly...as I do not have the ability to market myself as an individual business necessarily and also it is great for me if my physical limitations should increase even more. I can offer consultation within my home as well...

The price of the program is much more affordable than is a year at college...and it may be covered completely by the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation whose goal it is to get me off of Social Security Disability and working once more.

Also, another "new direction" that I've been taking is that my husband has presented me with a birthday present (my birthday is next Thursday) of is the Kindle - the e-Reader made by Amazon. I am loving it. It makes reading so much more fun and interactive ...It is easier by far for me to hold than a book and I can adjust the print size to compensate for my eyes which badly need new glasses.

So my horizons have quite suddenly expanded. And this leaves me with both excitement and trepidation. Change brings challenge. And I always feel quite precarious in the face of it. But in this case, my excitement trumps my fear...and I'm praying that doors will open and provision will come. Just when I thought my life was over and I would be consigned to this recliner and bed for the remainder of it, some new doors have appeared and appear to be opening, offering vistas which just weeks ago were unimagined.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Impatient epatient: Cynthia

Just a note: today, an article that I wrote is being featured on the website for participatory medicine...which is a movement that is focused on the attempt to try to get physicians to work together with their patients and to make them an active force on their own treatment team. It also encourages patients to live up to their responsibility to educate themselves so that they are qualified to make good decisions about their own healthcare. Here is the link for the article which I've guest-blogged at "epatient Dave's" website. ("epatient" stands for "empowered patient") ... Dave is one of the initiators of this movement which is beginning to make a large impact in medicine...and which is revolutionizing the traditional patient/physician relationship.

http://e-patients.net/archives/2010/12/im-getting-impatient-an-empowered-patient-guest-post.html

Please pay his blog a visit....Also, if you have any interest in a fascinating story: Dave deBronkart's story, which tells about his battle with and overcoming of Stage 4 cancer when he was given mere weeks to live, is written and published in autobiographical form in the book: Laugh, Sing, and Eat like a Pig. Years later, Dave is well, and an activist in patient - doctor relations in the field called "Participatory Medicine."