In the Storms with Abba

A Reblog

I wrote this post a year ago on December 2, 2009. And it is the strangest thing...because I happened on it again today. I sit in my recliner and lie in my bed, in horrific pain. Pain which cannot be managed or cured medically ...

And I confess that this morning I was feeling like I couldn't go on for another day like this. And it's so strange, but I am SURE that God had me write this post one year ago to encourage myself...a year later. I hope it encourages you too.

Pain...it's effects, it's mental and physical anguish, and the way it tosses us up onto the lap of God and makes us cling to Him for dear life...is becoming a recurring theme with me these days. Yesterday I narrowly escaped being hospitalized for a bad case of the flu and respiratory complications which have set in. My doctor increased my dosage of steroids, continued the Tamiflu and the antibiotics I'm on and wants to see me back in ten days. I know if I'm not markedly better by then, it's back to 3-North in "my" hospital. And then there is the pain of watching my daughter suffer from the flu also, and the "regular" pain I suffer on a daily basis with a mixture of other physical problems...

But this post is not about my woes. It's about learning to trust God in the storms. The following is a re-post from another blog of mine which I wrote earlier today:

I had a dream the night before last. It was one of those SAGA-like dreams, full of detail and vivid images, that stay with you all the next day. I won’t bore you with all of the subplots and details…but I do want to tell you about one of the main scenes in it.

I was at a school, which was my daughter’s High School…and I was evidently teaching there as well. It was after school and the kids had left for the day, and as we were preparing to go home, I looked out the window and saw a HUGE tornado approaching. Then I was outside, flinging myself on the ground behind some kind of structure and holding on for dear life as the tornado approached and roared over me. When it passed, I looked, and there were at least five more off them on the horizon, all heading straight for us as well. I was praying aloud as storm after storm destroyed everything in their paths; people and buildings torn loose and tossed away all around me.

I was dismayed at the continual onslaught of tornadoes and heaven’s fury…but I wasn’t terrified. I had a great assurance that God would preserve me. I just continued to pray for myself, my family and those around me…and braced myself for the next storm. There were innumerable tornadoes, littering the horizon, and amazingly, I was in the path of each of them. As I gripped one thing after another, each building or structure was destroyed by the storms and I had to find a new mooring, I just prayed and prayed my way through the event. And God protected…just like I knew He would.

The next day, I thought about the dream…I wondered (duh) at it’s meaning…(that being a little obscured by the rest of the dream’s complexity and detail). I prayed about it for God to open my eyes to the understanding of it. He clearly said to me: “I’m with you in the storms.” I thought about the storm scene. I was not happy to see the appearance of each successive twister heading in my direction. But I was not terrified or even really afraid. I knew my God. I knew He is dependable. Also, the things which I gripped for support were all torn from my grasp, time after time…in the end, God was the only constant; my only real support. And finally, prayer was the thing that connected me to my Helper and got me through.

I also thought, with some concern, about what storms are in the offing for which God might be preparing me. I have that same sense of dismay, but the same assurance that my God is more than able to get me through it; and He is good for His promise to never leave me nor forsake me. And I know that God is calling me to greater discipline and vigilance in prayer…those areas having been a bit neglected because of illness and….what? Laziness? Probably. I need to remedy that NOW. I am glad for the dream…Even in the past two days, as the skies darkened and small squalls appeared and swept over, the sound of my Abba’s voice promising His presence comforted and assured me again and again.

And then, today, my father sent me a blog about the case of Hannah Overton. This is a story of "justice" taking a turn for the worse and society's hatred of "religious fanatics" being poured out on a woman who is now imprisoned in Texas and suffering greatly for her faith. Yes, in America. I will not quote the whole thing here but I would encourage you to click on the link and check it out:

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/mCraven/11622960/

And then, a moment after reading that, I read another blog, which tied up the whole thought process perfectly...Please also pursue this link. I would love to quote the whole post to you because every word is relevant, but I don't want to infringe on the author's rights. Please look into this one in particular:

http://www.christianity.com/blogs/Tchividjian/11622968/

I will give you just a taste of this blog to whet your appetite:

It's been said that pain is the second best thing because it leads us to the Best Thing (God). For, it is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we come to the beginning of God. And it is only when we come to the beginning of God that we come to the beginning of life.

Life is not easy. And it's not going to get any easier. But we have a God who is with us in the storms of life. Hang on for your life: you're in for the ride of your life. But oh, how great it is, to have that ride on Abba's shoulders!

A Long Journey

I read the blog of a friend this morning... She talked about recognizing that mood shifts are not permanent ones...and even when in the throes of depression we have to just go with what we know rather than what we are feeling.

And then someone commented on that blog and said that it's a matter of letting things wash over us and picking and choosing what pieces of them we will retain and hold on to.
Her blog brought to mind a book that I'd read recently, "Who Switched off my Brain?" by Dr. Caroline Leaf. which talks about the way we have the power to physically change the wiring in our brain by holding onto positive thoughts and by talking to ourselves in positive affirming ways...And also, the reverse is true: the more we reiterate negative, harmful talk to ourselves...such talk actually kills parts of the brain ...and the result can be deep depression or even physical illness. And the illness is real...but it has its roots in the experiences we have and the way we respond to them (whether we live them over and over in our minds, adding our own negative commentary to them for example)...

So yes, if something good happens, for example, I get a nice compliment. I can either relive it in my mind and tell myself how nice it was to hear that...I must really be deserving of such a remark if the person made it unprompted. Or I can tell myself that the remark was a lie, and then add all kinds of negative insulting talk about myself to myself...and even question the person's motives...And all of this will have a literal, physical impact on the chemistry and the physical structure of the brain.
I would say that I've done much of this instinctively in my attempts to recover from mental illness. There were many years (of depression) where I told myself hateful awful things, that I would NEVER consider saying to anyone else. So why then , would I hold even LESS regard for myself? But I did.

And there were many years where I questioned the motives of almost every person I encountered...even a stranger walking by on the road, became the object of fear and paranoia on my part. And the more I allowed this, the worse it got.

So what happened to change all this?
Well, I saw some very scary things about myself. One was that I was going to probably live for the rest of my life in a state psychiatric facility if I didn't change and get well. I was on the waiting list for such a bed while in the last hospital I was in. It was an act of God that they finally got a better combo of drugs that helped to snap me out of the psychosis and enabled me to go home before the state bed became available. If it had happened to have been open first; I would STILL be there...And this thought scared the stuffing out of me.

You see, how I see myself, internally, is NOT what other people are seeing when they look at me. In my mind, I'm still the 20 year old young woman with psychiatric problems...Attractive, young, bright, and someone that people would really make an effort to help. And people did. Back then.

But here is what people were seeing then, when they looked at me. I show this picture with EXTREME reluctance. it's hideous. But seeing it recently was a rude wake up call to the fact that I was just another crazy middle aged woman who was a hopeless case. Someone that no one would really make a special effort to help. Just another "mental case"...

Awful, right? this is someone that no one would think twice about locking up for twenty years or so. And it was a real jolt for me to look at myself in those pictures and to see that THIS IS ME. NOW...THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.

And I decided back then (it was really sort of a subconscious decision that I wasn't really well enough to be cognizant of at the time, but looking back, I can see and recall my feelings and know that this is what happened.) I decided "NO ONE is going to throw me away. I'm not a nothing. Not a disposable person. I've got to get well and get in control of my life again..."

It was around then, that I joined SparkPeople .Com. I've spoken in here before about the impact that this group of people have had on my life. There, I began to see that your life is what you make it. You can CHOOSE to be fat and out of control and a victim of the circumstances of your life...Or you can take charge of your life (as much as we have the ability to ...much of it, obviously is up to God...But if you love God, as I do and did, then there is really nothing stopping you from recovering your life and making it what God initially intended for it to be. The people there are extremely supportive. But they are tough. They will let you know if you are having a a pity party. Or if you are being too negative. And they worked with me and still are. Many of them are followers of Christ, and this is an added benefit that I found there. The love of a Christian is a love like no other. And they lavished that love on me. And I began slowly to change and to thrive. And now, here is the most recent picture of me...

50 pounds lighter (still 30 to go to get to my goal.)...and a whole lot happier...and saner.

Parachute Trust

Tonight (actually, it's early morning now), I can write from a more sensible place than I could have last night...Last night I was so desperate from pain that I was glad I don't live on the 20th floor of a Manhattan apartment...because certainly I'd have been out ledge walking. And NO, I'm not depressed...I really am not. Well, if I am , it's a situational depression (which I always feel, doesn't count - because you have every RIGHT to want to cry.)

This morning when I opened my "Spark Mail" on Spark People.com...there was a letter from one of the "coaches"- (resident experts hired by Spark to dole out advice and help to those of us struggling to lose weight and get into shape). She expressed concern because of something I'd said in a recent blog on that site. Because I made some kind of remark with which I opened this blog also. Enclosed in the letter was the obligatory crisis hotline phone number....and the encouragement to "seek professional help" for my depression.

I appreciate that they HAVE to send out letters like this...to cover all their bases. However, if' she'd really read that blog carefully, there was a lot more hope than depression there. A lot more determination to live a healthy life than there was desire to end that life. It was a blog that said, (in essence) "This situation is horrific and it makes me feel desperate and trapped...but I REFUSE to allow it to defeat me. I refuse to lose ground that I've fought so hard to gain."

Why is it that as soon as people see things like "I feel like blowing my head off of my shoulders" that they immediately get so bent out of shape?? haha. (Ok...that question was asked with a bit of humor...so don't go freaking out on me too. I don't want any home-care psychiatrists with commitment papers in hand, knocking at my door flanked by two burly men holding restraints... Nope. Not necessary. If it DOES become necessary at any point, it will be obvious to everyone. And I'm NOT at that point.)

What point am I at?
I'm at the point of extreme fear and frustration...when I look at my life now: my current abilities (or should I say LACK of ability?)...my pain level (which is at the far side of unbelievable), my future (which is just on this side of completely hopeless), and my resources (which, apart from God, are almost nil)...my sources of support (church friends, Spark friends and...... yeah, you get the picture) And I have to ask, "God what are you DOING here?" And he is being very close- mouthed about the answer to that. Because I don't have a CLUE.

A key concept in Scripture is one that God gave to Paul when Paul begged him three times to remove some kind of "thorn in his flesh"...God told him, "My grace is sufficient for you...For my strength is perfectly exhibited through your weakness." This tendency for God to delight in hobbling us of all earthly sources of strength so that he can brilliantly exhibit his greatness, apart from any strength of our own, is rampant through Scripture.

He stripped Gideon of the majority of his army so that NO ONE could make any claim that that war was won via the size or strength of the Israelite army. And the power of God blazed through that night and Israel won a resounding.....and completely unlikely victory ...
And the man born blind was not born with this handicap based on anything of earthly reason...It was purely a "hobbling device" of God so that "God's glory might be displayed in him" and through his healing. And I'm sure there are numerous other examples...even the battle of Jericho, where the strength of the Israelite army was hopelessly pitted against the unassailable strength of the walls of that city. And God told them to merely WALK around the city, singing and praising him....so that HE, could knock those walls down to rubble, contrary to every inclination of human reason. And Paul himself, evidently dealt with some situation or physical handicap that kept him in complete reliance on the strength and grace of God to manage and to be successful in his ministry.

What do these things mean to me?

They mean that, in all likelihood, God is planning something here. He is going to use me or to use this situation in a manner that will brilliantly highlight his own glory.
Now, how does that make me feel? Does it make me angry that God should allow or cause all of this suffering in my life, simply to make himself look great? No, it really doesn't. Because God IS great. And for him to allow me the chance to show to everyone around some evidence of that magnificence, bestows on my life some kind of real significance....a significance that it WOULDN'T hold, were I merely a lawyer or a brain surgeon. Because in those cases all I'm working with are my own brains and ability. And all for my own paltry glory, which will be forgotten a month after I'm dead.

No, if I get to participate in the glory of God...then wow, I am participating in something HUGE, something MEANINGFUL, something LASTING AND ETERNAL. and my life, alone, regardless of the circumstances of blessing or trouble in which I find myself, simply does NOT hold that degree of importance on its own.

So, on the lonely, long nights like last night...when I was seriously struggling with pain much larger than myself....much larger than my own ability to endure it...how does that help me? Honestly, all of this was FAR from my thoughts last night. I was simply concerned with the effort of drawing one breath after another...and keeping myself from screaming or doing something foolish and desperate. I was NOT thinking of God's glory. Or of eternal significance. But in the morning, after having gotten about 4 hours of desperately needed sleep, the deeper questions present themselves when I look backward at a night of sheer agony. And they do matter. Because when the questions come to me, as they do (and must) to anyone living this kind of hell, "what is it all for?" "Why should I bother continuing with a life that is miserable, pointless and hopeless by any earthly standard?" Then I HAVE to find an answer. Because I will NEED that answer maybe five minutes from now when pain rocks my world...and I will be in no shape to come up with that answer then. If I did, my answer WOULD be ledge-walking or head blowing...

So what IS my answer?
It is this.
I MUST believe and do believe, that God is doing something in me, through me, and with me. And what he is doing necessitates my total weakness and helplessness and dependence on him. It may even necessitate my utter desperation. And through this disease he has got ALL of those things.
What is he doing? I don't know. He is either going to reach some people who would otherwise be unreachable, or he is going to use me as an object lesson in the heavenly, invisible realms, or maybe he will even HEAL me in some glorious manner. I don't know. But he knows. And I know him...and I have to trust him because I know him.

And this kind of trust is the kind of trust you give your parachute when you jump from an airplane. That chute will open .... IT HAS TO OPEN. Because if it doesn't, I'm dead in the water.

A Grateful Heart

MOST OF ALL at this Thanksgiving I am thankful that "My Deliverer is Coming!!!"

Please forgive me for the negative slant and apparent self-pity of my last post. It will take me a day or two to rally myself ...and then I will be fine again...Till then, try not to throw up as you read :)

My Villa de la Rosa

After that last optimistic post, I hate to follow through with a tale of negative bearing on my health...the probablity of my needing surgery on my cervical and lumbar spines....In fact, the locally well known Spine surgeon whom I'd visited last July had corroborated that and said that this was his plan, once I'd sufficiently recovered from the MRSA. He was basing this decision on a 2oo7 MRI. But then my pain doctor recently ordered a set of MRIs and xrays....and thhe news there was not good. They did change the picture...

Yesterday I went back to the spine surgeon, fully anticipating that I would leave that office armed with a concrete treatment plan and a date for the first of the two surgeries. And I anticipated that once the pain of the two surgeries was relatively gone, that my pain would be significantly less than it is now. That was my expectation.

This was my reality:
The doctor looked at the test results before entering the exam room. He asked me a few questions about my general health. Then he lowered the boom. He told me that he could not operate;That basically, my spine had deteriorated beyond any hope of repair or even relief; That surgery would remove all of my mobility and would not diminish my pain. I listened to him silently and mentally cursed the tears which welled up in my eyes and poured down my face.

The nurse, who was there, silently handed my a tissue from a box she held out to me. And I mopped futily at the flood tide.

The doctor paused, and then said rather uncertainly, "Cynthia, it's not that I don't care. I do. But it's just that the technology you would need to help you doesn't exist right now. I wish I could help you; I really do." And then he stepped toward me with tears in his own eyes and pulled me close.

I don't think I've ever been hugged by a doctor before.

And I don't think I've ever needed a doctor to hug me, as much as I did right then.

I thanked the doctor...and the only thing on my mind was to get out of that office and to the ladies room in the hallway so I could bawl properly as I knew I needed to. So that is what I did. I wailed and sobbed in the ladies room outside of the office....and felt such a crushing disappointment that I couldn't breathe.

And underlying that disappointment was the real problem; and that was terror. What is coming?? And is there truly nothing that can be done? Am I supposed to sit back while this disease eats me alive and cripples me more and more? What kind of pain will that involve? How can I possibly endure pain greater than what I feel now?

I tried to call my husband a few minutes later from the cafeteria where my friend took me to get some lunch. I was desperate for a comforting word. And I got .....zip.
He said some completely inappropriate and, I felt, heartless thing that totally did not recognize my pain or affirm me or bring me any comfort. I muttered into the phone as tears once more threatened to undo me, "I've got to go" and hung up the phone...

I sat there alone. My friend who was with me offered advice which was not helpful (this being to refuse to accept and in fact, to deny that I was ill or had a problem and instead "Claim by faith that God had already healed me." I refused to engage in this falsehood and bad theology, which angered her, I could tell. We exchanged a few words of mild dispute and I fell silent again....locked up with my misery.

Last night, I went to our monthly prayer meeting at church. Our pastor took one look at me and commented that I looked exhausted --and pale. "What's the matter??" he asked, coming closer to me. I unfolded the tale of the doctor's prognosis for me. And tears came to the pastor's eyes also. He asked a few questions and then had to walk away to begin the meeting.

Midmeeting he directed the prayer in a general direction, which I knew was specifically aimed at my need. The at the end of the service he placed a chair in front of him, facing the congregation. He invited anyone with a need for prayer to come and sit in that prayer to receive prayer. I was the first one to go up and they all rose up and came forward, placing their hands on me and began to pray. Many, many of them sobbed as they prayed out of the intensity of their desire for God to move and to heal me.

The pastor tied things up after a good fifteen minutes of prayer, during which the presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable, with a prayer that the congregation would surround me during the next legs of my journey. That, at times when I was suffering and felt overwhelmed, God would move one of them to call at just the right moment. That I would have supernatural power to endure and to face whatever is coming. I noticed in this prayer the change in direction in his prayers from the prayers he'd offered for me on Sunday. No longer was he insisting that God heal me. I think that God must have given him the same sense that he'd given me: that it is not God's intention to remove this trial from my life. That instead, I will need support and aid and love and help ...rather than a continued beating on the closed door of God's will toward me for healing.

I, for one, was glad to see this shift. Not that I did not like or desire the prayer for healing. It simply did not jive with the strong sense that God has given me that this is a path that I MUST walk...like it or not. Accept it or not. So this type of prayer actually was more in line with my need than were the prayers for healing. My friends do not accept this point of view that I have. They do not understand that sometimes God answers requests such as theirs--sincere, heart broken and heart wrenched prayer for healing--with a negative response.

But I understand it.

As did Job. ("Though He slay me; yet will I trust in Him")
And as did Paul, ("My strength is made perfect in your weakness)- and therefore he ceased his petitions to God for healing after three requests to God, which were all denied.

There have been times in my life, when I KNEW that God intended to heal me. Like the time when I was wheelchair ridden for over two years and was told that I would never walk again. So strong was this faith and sense of God's good intention toward me, that I never worried, and never even allowed myself to imagine the"what ifs" of being permanently crippled. No, I KNEW God would heal me and with the help of two years of very hard work on my part, I began, once more to walk--haltingly at first but with greater and greater sureness, until now, only a doctor or physical therapist can see the residual damage to my muscles from that time.

Like the times when I was in serious shape due to pneumonias, asthma, and meningitis. I never feared at those times, despite the fears of the doctors then.

But this time is different.
This road is unavoidable.. God has a plan for it and for me. And the plan is for me to walk it....or crawl it...And I truly do not want to. But I truly will do so, if that is God 's plan. And I will have to cling so tightly to his hand to get me through this. Already, night by night I take it minute by minute as I am overwhelmed by pain and by loneliness. This is just the beginning of my personal villa de la rosa; I pray that I can walk it with strngth and yieldedness and openness to what God wants to do in me as a result.

Introducing: ME!

My dad made a remark today...and while I could see why he would say this, it was distressing to me because I really feel that, if that's how he's perceiving me through my blogs, then I'm not doing the job I want to do. He said that, if you look at just my blogs and didn't know me, it would look very much as though I were lost in the identity of an ill person...That my illnesses have become all consuming and have begun to define me.

I think the reason that it appears this way on these blogs is because that is sort of the reason I am writing these blogs...to reach people who maybe have that in common with me...or to help their families understand what it is a chronically ill person goes through.

But I never wanted you to think that I AM the illness. Or that it consumes me.
Now it's true that Pain is pretty consuming. It is a voracious beast that is never satisfied with a part of you, it wants your whole being. And I do struggle with that. And that's because, no matter what it is I decide to do, or want to do, pain is and must be, a major factor and consideration. But it is also true that I often thumb my nose at it and do what I want to do, regardless of the price I'll pay in pain. I rarely let it stop me from doing something I really want to do.

I push myself every day to exercise...because it has become very important to me to be as physically fit and as strong as possible. I've become very much interested in diet and nutrition...and I've recently lost fifty unneeded pounds. The doctors told me that I would never be able to tolerate any exercise ...that my lungs could not take any extra demand...But I ignored that ...And began to walk...doing a little more every day...until now I can walk for miles up and down steep hills...and not even becoming winded.

I do not allow this illness to push me around very much. Of necessity, it has limited my activity a bit...due to my hands not cooperating with me anymore...and not being able to drive, due to the fact that I can't turn my head anymore...
But if I can possibly do something , I do it. When I'm home, I rarely think about the illnesses. When I think of myself...I do not think of them either. They are not who I am.

I'm a creative person.
I'm expressive verbally and visually.
I'm a determined person.
I think I'm fairly courageous.
I was always very self-disciplined...although the demand for this self discipline is diminished now, so it is not as big of a factor in my character as it once was.

I love music...with a passion.
I love to laugh and talk to my daughter...and I love it that I'm her hero and she truly admires me. How rare that is with a teenage daughter!!! I'm proud of that because her opinion is something I respect and her respect is something I crave.
I love to study the Bible..and memorize verses. I know a great deal of the Bible by heart. I do have trouble now retaining new verses...but still recall all of the ones I'd learned previously...even as a small child.
I like to cook...especially really healthy food. I used to be a raw vegan...ate no animal products at all and did not eat cooked food. Talk about a demanding diet! But I did it for several years. Now I'm mostly a vegetarian, although once in a great while, I will eat chicken or fish.

I would love to return to school...I want to get my Doctor of Naturopathy degree. With an emphasis in herbology and nutrition. If I had the money for the online course that is offered by Clayton College I would definitely do that. I already study a lot about herbs and know quite a bit about them. I enjoy making my own medicines and remedies. From everything from my hair dye...to tea to treat pain. This fascinates me. And the more I think about it, the more I think I really need to pursue this. It has been a dream of mine for several years now.

I love to sing..and although my voice is not what it used to be - from disuse and asthma,-- I still sing at every opportunity I get. My husband always hushes me when I sing. I used to ALWAYS have a song on my lips. But he shushed me so often that I've fallen out of the habit of singing. This distresses me because I feel that he has stopped up the joy in my heart and silenced my praises to God. When he's not home, I try to sing a lot and get back into the habit. But it no longer is natural to me. How sad.

I love to laugh and I have a pretty great sense of humor...but it is not the goofy kind of humor that my husband uses...It is more subtle and intellectual...I like to make plays on words...and I use sarcasm a lot...not against people, just a biting kind of humor. My daughter and I can really play off of each other well...She has the same sense of humor that I do..and the two of us can get laughing so hard that we can't breathe. But only she sees this side of me and only I see that side of her. It is our secret world and alter ego.

I love beauty..and I like to find the beautiful hidden in the mundane.
I miss painting.
Someday I want to have one of my books published. I think I write some really good poetry. But it remains a secret side of me...my dad is the only one who sees my work. But I think that of all the literary forms, poetry is the one I'm most gifted in.

Anyway...I just wanted to clarify that, although this blog is largely about illness and coping with it. I myself am more than an illness. I am a warrior. And I will find a way to do whatever it is I set my heart on doing. I'm good like that. :)

Serious Thoughts

I'm feeling serious tonight. Serious as I consider what lies ahead in the next several months for me. Serious as I'm in really terrible pain right now...after two busy -two TOO busy days - when I didn't have enough time to keep the weight off of my spine by getting horizontal...so now the pain is crushing.

I visited my pain management doctor today...He looked at my MRI and commented "You have a lot going on here." And showed me numerous herniations and areas where my nerves and spinal cord are being compressed by the arthritis. He asked me what the surgeon had told me. I told him that when I saw the surgeon in July, he told me I needed both cervical and lumbar surgery but that he wouldn't touch me for six months, because I was just getting over a major drug resisitant infection I'd picked up during my hip replacement last May. He had given this asseessment based on an MRI done in 2007...and he hadn't seen this latest aberration of normalcy. I was supposed to see him this coming Wednesday to discuss these next steps with him. My plan is to have the pain doctor attempt to gain access to my spinal cord with an injection that can help to relieve the pain I'm in...but other doctors have tried this - even years ago- without any success...The spine is in too bad a shape to get a needle in.

However this doctor thinks that maybe he can do it. I will let him try. Failing that, surgery is my only option. And I think that the cervical surgery is inevitable in either case because they cannot really anesthetize the neck because it would cause paralysis of the respiratory system among other things.

AND I still need to get my other hip replaced.

Next year is definitely going to take the cake for all time lousy years. And I shudder to think of what complications probably will crop up....Infection, asthma, dangerously low sodium levels...Never mind the fact that general anesthesia leaves me confused and hallucinating for weeks afterwards....What happens if Idon' t recover from that confusion?? It happens.

I am trying to still my mind and steer it away from all of these variables and possibilities. I am trying not to ask myself what the chances of me coming through these three surgeries unscathed is...because I really think it is small and unlikely.

I've worked so hard to get strong. To lose weight and get strong...to build up my respiratory endurance...Will that save me?? Or will it simply not matter and I will lose all that I had gained? Do I have the energy and willpower to fight back THREE MORE TIMES??

On the other hand, what if I simply decide not to risk it; not to go for the one chance of having a little more quality time in my life? Not to try to reduce the pain? The pain will increase. And so will the limitations. Can I deal with that? Honestly, I don't think so. It would really mean giving up all semblance of having a normal life and probably just staying here in my bed. It would mean constant horrific pain...even worse than now.

No, I have to give it a shot. And I have to ask God,that if something goes wrong, if there will be a problem from which I will not recover, to just take me ...to end this misery....And then to trust in His mercy. And I think that a DNR is definitely in order. I do not want to be resuscitated should something happen. Or at least I need to get a living will in line....so that I have some control over how heroic the measures can be to try to salvage this life of questionable quality and purpose.

Yes, I am feeling serious tonight.
And I think it is with good reason.

Selfish Altruism; Happy Obedience

I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It was shared with me by a fellow blogger who is going through a really tough time right now. God has blessed me with the honor of knowing her through one of my other blogs and becoming friends with her....And this week, I am privileged to be able to encourage her "with the comfort I myself have received" (see reference quoted below)...as I try to help her through this storm.

We have shared music together that has blessed us both and encouraged us now and in past times of hardship. She has put together a play list which she will share on her own blog on Wordpress.(http://razzler.wordpress.com/

This is her blog URL, the URL for the playlist is as follows: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=66E44DE698355A37)

This morning she expressed to me her desire to help other people as she had been helped by me this week...and that is why she put together this play list. As I responded to that comment of hers about helping others...some things occurred to me which seem important and which I will share with you here...Not only to help you, but so that, once more, through my writing, I will be able to fully incorporate a reality for myself as well.

Some of the things I told her were these:

It is important - and Scriptural I might add (see below reference) - to pass on to others the helping hand that we have received from others sources, be they people, God's Word, our own experience or from where ever they may come. It is important because of lots of reasons...some altruistic and some "selfish"... For one: that is one of the most important ways that God's love is transmitted throughout this earth. People who have accomplished the most in this world as far as helping the down and out and less fortunate, are those who have a relationship with the loving God of all the Heavens and the Earth. People such as Mother Teresa, William Booth (founder of the Salvation Army), Harriet Beecher Stowe (famous abolitionist), William Wilberforce (who fought for and attained legislation banning slavery in England) and numerous others were all people who shared a great faith and not only believed it quietly, but tried to end suffering where they saw it and ended up changing the world as a result.

And we too, carry on that torch in both large and small ways.

And for myself; there is no greater joy that I have in my life but to be able to be one of those who embrace a hurting soul and display to them through my life story and the lessons I've learned there, how God can minister to them also and bring them from the darkness into his glorious Light.

• So for one thing; doing this work brings me joy. And joy keeps me well.

• The second way it benefits me is this: once I've shared my life story and the lessons it has taught me, I feel a great sense of obligation to the person or people whom I've helped. I feel obliged to pray for them on a daily basis. And I believe that for me, personally, this is an area in which God has gifted me and a task that he has given me that takes supremacy above all else in my life. And prayer keeps me close to God myself...It makes me accountable to him to keep my life clean and my heart pure before God...and a pure heart helps me stay close to God, because on my own, it is impossible for me to maintain innocence before God. And this too, is of great benefit to me, both now and eternally.

• And thirdly, it provides me with new friendships. And friendships, as all of us know, contribute to wellness and our quality of life.

• Fourthly (and I'll make this my last even though I could probably keep going...), it keeps me accountable to the person whom I've helped. In other words, I have an obligation to that person to take care of myself and stay well myself. This is a huge motivation for me....this obligation. Once before in my life, I had a position of leadership and was a role model for many teens. (I am not bragging here...it is just the way it was...I was a late teen myself at the time)...And I became mentally ill. That is not the problem. The problem is that in my anger at God's allowing this illness, I completely rejected him and wandered off into deep and dark places for the succeeding ten or fifteen years. As a result, many of those kids who looked up to me as a spiritual example were greatly discouraged. Later in life, as the truth of what I'd done and the damage I'd done, came back to haunt me, I recognized and mourned this great wrong I'd done to them...And thus, it is extremely important to me to not repeat that error. That sin. Because as God's Word teaches, those in positions of leadership are held doubly accountable before God for the manner in which they live. It is no light task you undertake when you mentor someone...It is a grave responsibility. And I take it that way. And that too, keeps me well.

So, thank you to those who've allowed me entrance into their lives and hearts...because you have, in turn, helped me...by keeping me well...mentally and spiritually.

Scripture References:

2 Corinthians 1:4 (New Living Translation)
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

1 Peter 2:9 (New Living Translation)

But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.

Losing Much and Gaining it All

Today, several things happened that moved me. And tonight, a person shared this video (see the video at the bottom of this page, "A Man of no Reputation") with me...and for some reason...it just seemed to fit into the essence of the day at a very visceral level.
And I'm not at all positive it's something I can find the words to express.

I got letters from two people today, who wrote to me as a result of their being moved by my blogs and by my story. I won't tell you their stories, because there is no need....but sufficient to say that they were touched by my experiences and by my expressions of them in my writing online in these and other forums. (forii? :)) )... One of these ladies, is disabled like myself...and she made a remark about how useless she feels right now.

That is something I've struggled mightily with.

I've always been in the Type A category of person...I had big dreams and big intent to reach them. And when life and genetics snatched them from my grasp...I was left clutching first at one thing and then at another to give my life, with it's new set of parameters, meaning.
And now, when all I can really do is peck away at these keys and either vent my changeable emotions or spout philosophical speculations about faith and life or extend to people like these, like myself...that they are not alone....and that their life still has meaning....regardless of how hopeless and limiting their circumstance may seem; or else to spend time in prayer for the people I've encountered online here or for people who live in His service in other lands--I have come to an understanding,that life is not so much about what you accomplish...but in how faithful you are to use the lot you have been given that will really matter in the end.

Like the parable of the talents....when the master came to evaluate each of his servant's success at taking care of his money-- it was not the amount that they had increased it by that mattered so much to him...but the degree to which they used the benefit he'd given them. For the one who hid his little amount in the dirt to keep it "safe " for the master, the Master had no words of praise. Playing it safe, did not score big points with him. The other servants doubtless took some risk with their investments but they did so in a wise manner so that when their boss returned, they not only could return his money to him, but could give him a profit as well.

And the thing that I've come more and more to recognise is that what matters to Jesus, is not necesarily the things which we might consider to be valuable. The Pharisees doubtless gave a lot of money to the temple. But who was the one who got his admiration? The poor widow who put in less than a cent...but it was all that she had. The Pharisees played it safe. They gave a bit of their abundance but she gave her all , out of the depths of her need.

That last sentence is important...Read it over.

It doesn't really matter that you have very little in this world in terms of health or resources. All God is asking of you is that you give you all...take a risk for him. Take a risk in your level of emotional safety and reach out to someone...write an email to someone who's blog touched you...Hand them a piece of your heart to encourage their day. Because, who knows? Maybe writing the piece that moved you, required an equal amount of risk taking on their part.

Or, as I did last week, write a letter to an author of a book that you loved. Tell him so. Hand him a bit of your heart. Maybe he needed that bit of encouragement.

As I shared with one of the two women who wrote to me today, if I had to name my mission now in this remaining part of my life, it would be this, "To comfort others with the comfort that (I myself) have received." God once gave me talent and intelligence...And lots of opportunities...then he added an illness to the mix that began to drain some of that potential away...and then other illnesses came. And with each, I lost more. And yes, for a while I did lose hope, and I did ask questions and I was bitter. But God began to use this poverty of hope and possiblity that I was experiencing, to show me some REALLY important things about himself and about what he wants from me...What he has wanted from me all along. And that is to take a risk and to give him everything that I have. Whether that be a little bit or a lot is almost irrelevent. What he is looking for is the pureness of my intention and my desire to please him. He looks at the fervency of my love for him and at the doggedness with which I hold onto him and to the hope that he has given me...in the dark places that my life takes me.

A tiny flame glows brightly in a dark place...so don't worry that you don't have a neon light...use it to light the dark corners of life where you travel. Light the wicks of others as you go. And soon the light you make will far surpass the light your own faltering wick could have ever created alone. And you will hear, in the end, if you've given him the totality of your heart..."Well done! You have served me faithfully and well! Enter now and receive your reward."

And I don't know about you, but for me, that's all I've ever wanted.....

Can - Does - Will - God Heal?

I am listening to one of my favorite songs right now as I write this. Its called "Healer" and it's sung by Kari Jobe. (If you scroll ALL THE WAY to the bottom of this page, you will find an embedded video of this song.) Healing for me is a REALLY sticky issue and one that I hesitate to tackle, because it is also a daunting one to take on--for anyone.

Do I believe that God heals people? Yes I absolutely do. Do I believe that He does - or should - heal EVERYONE who is sick? No, I do not. I've said it before, and like a stuck record, I'll say it again. God has his purposes which are often (maybe much or all of the time) beyond our ability to grasp or comprehend. HE IS GOD AND I AM NOT!! So who do I think that I am, telling God that He MUST heal me or someone else for whom I am praying ? The only way He would be compelled to do that is if He had somewhere promised it. And I am not convinced that any Scripture clearly conveys that promise. Now God is always very clear about what he promises...in fact, he repeats them over and over in multiple arrangements of words-all very clear- as to what it is he is promising. If God were going to grant the world, or even just his people, the right to blanket health...he would NOT leave us any room for doubt. I mean, that would be a major promise, Right? That is one reason I do not believe it.

Second reason is this: how many times have you been sick in your life? Do you know anyone, even any believers who have asked God for healing , but have not received it? Are there many billions of sick and dying people in this world? God is a big and strong God. If he promised us something like guaranteed health then certainly he is able to carry out that promise! And I just don't see it happening too often. And it is not because people have not prayed for health! I myself have fervently interceded for some people to be healed...and they are either still sick or they have died. Did God not hear those prayers? Did He ignore them? WAs he unable or too weak to carry out his "promise"?

Third reason: We are not promised eternal life on this earth are we? No, we are promised in fact, that "ALL MEN DIE ONCE..." Neither do I see many people like Elisha being taken to Heaven in a flaming chariot. So here's my question put rather crudely: How do you suppose that God plans to get rid of all these people to whom he has indeed promised death?? They don't live a life of health and then evaporate!

NO, I believe that since the Fall of Adam and Eve, mankind has been under the curse of sickness and death. And Jesus,when he came, showed that He was strong enough and able to BREAK that power of the curse, by healing people! It was a foreshadowing on the physical level,of what he intended to - and in fact did- which was to break the spiritual curse of death once and for all... It was a display of his Deity and supernatural power and it was also a method of publicity for his cause. Face it. If Jesus just came and walked around telling people he was God but had no evidence for it...do you think that the birth of a new generation and covenant of faith would have borne such force -? Force enough to propel it into the 21st century? No, healing some people is God's manner in which he displays his love and his ability and desire to grant us LIFE;....life that -in the future- will be free from the effects of Adam's curse once and for all.

So that is the philosophical and theological reasoning behind my position. And when people tell me to "rebuke the demon or the enemy who is causing your illness" or "if you have enough faith, you WILL be healed," or "God has PROMISED you healing" I frankly (and rudely) want to kick them ...(as I told to an elderly woman with whom I share friendship and very poor health recently much to her giggling delight.) How much needless suffering has been added to the burdens of already struggling and suffering sick people by these kinds of incorrect and insensitive remarks!! When you cause someone who is ill; who obviously has begged God to heal them; who believes that He can do so, with all their hearts; and who has been subjected to the TORTURE of rising then waning hope time after time of annointing laying on of hands and intercession for their healing...to doubt themselves, to question their faith...and ultimately TO QUESTION THEIR GOD because they believe that he's broken a promise to them; then friend, I believe you are committing a very grave sin. God said hat "a bruised reed I will not break and a smouldering wick I will not put out"...Jesus berated the Pharisees for their "adding to the burdens of the already bowed down." ...What makes you think it's all right for you to do it and get away with it?? YOUR WORDS ULTIMATELY CAUSE PAIN AND DESPAIR BECAUSE YOU ARE DRAWING ON A PROMISE THAT GOD NEVER MADE...AND IN SO DOING YOU ARE MAKING GOD LOOK LIKE A PROMISE BREAKER.

OK, that's enough of my rant.

I'm just sick of being told that I'm demon oppressed because I'm mentally ill.
I'm sick of being told that the asthma, spinal degeneration and rheumatoid arthritis will leave my body if I just prayed or had enough faith.

And it makes me feel really terrible to believe that what is happening to me is the power of Satan in my life! I really struggled horribly for years with these things. And with my own self doubt and questioning of my faith...and of God!

I would so much rather believe that, "Yes, basically, this sucks. But God is in it. He's behind it and under it and around it...and nothing can or will happen to me that he does not allow. And because HE IS A GOOD AND LOVING GOD NOTHING CAN TOUCH ME THAT WILL NOT ULTIMATELY RESULT IN MY BENEFIT...." That kind of thinking builds rather than destroys my faith. It makes me secure and safe in God's arms. And it does not remove the preogative of God to heal me! Yes! God heals some people. Why? Jesus answered that when the disciples questioned the reason for a man's illness, "That the glory of God might be manifested in him" in that situation and in that illness. And you know what? That answer applies to the illness of EVERY BELIEVER WHO IS SICK...whether they are healed or not. Do NOT remove the right of God to display his glory in any manner that he should see fit! He is God and we are Not!

Looking Backward and then Ahead

As my life has more and more narrowed to the limits of this house, and in particular, this room and this recliner...I find that I am starting to live very much in my memories...Even my blogging (especially on the newest blog see:www.cvogelmusing.blogspot.com...) has had this focus. And I find, mercifully, that it is NOT the years of sickness and hell that I've experienced that are occupying my mind...It's the GOOD things that I think about and relish. I'm like an old woman who loves to tell stories of her life to her grandchildren. Sometimes it' s hard to remember that I'm "only" 47 going on 48 in two months...and not 95...It's also hard to realize I'm 47 and not 20. And maybe that latter fact is because my daughter is around that stage in life of budding independence and the uncertainty and and fears that accompany that. She is also enjoying a new relationship with a young man and doing things like I used to: like going to a production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show...all dolled up in outrageous getup... And as I'm re-experiencing these things through her life, the memories come flooding back...and once, more I'm twenty.

Of course for me, my twenties were NOT good times. Psychiatric hospitals one after another...totally irrational behaviour...worrying all those who loved me...and frustrating doctor after doctor who tried desperately to help me. They were dark and really horrible days. But still, my mind manages to cling to moments here and there. Moments of my first real relationship...a beautiful place I may have walked in, times of socializing with, yes, I confess, my share of drinking and drugs...none of which really appealed to me...I just did them because I had no better reason not to.

I think now of the people who loved and cared for me through those years. Of therapists to whom I KNOW I was more than just another patient. Some of them honestly did care...And they never knew, when I was gone...what ever happened to me. (That must be a hard thing to deal with in that profession.) But anyway...It is THESE things where my mind lingers...not on some of the nights of horrible violence toward myself...or the restraints in which I spent endless days. The state and county hospitals where I went when I was without insurance.... those things are shut off from my considerations. They are there, lurking like a mound of dirty laundry under the bedcovers that you know you just DON'T want to look at...so you leave it there and pay attention to anything else but that.

I think of the health and physical stamina which I used to have. In the former days of my life with my husband and daughter, I took care of our home as well as cleaned one or two large homes on the side...earning money to support us while my husband was in school and couldn't work. It ws nothing to me to clean two monstrous homes in a single day! And then come home and cook a big dinner....

I think of the happy days after I got out of my wheelchair after a round with steroid myopathy and asthma...when I worked as an artist...Well, if you want to read some of these recollections take a look at the other blog. That blog is a bit more lighthearted in its look at things than this one is turning out to be. And I'm hoping that that is an indication of a change in my personality. I've always been a person who tended to focus on the darker side of things...shutting my eyes to the light around me...And recently, largely due to my involvement in the Spark People online community, I've begun to have a distaste for all the negativity ...and to make real efforts to eradicate that from my heart. I was so happy yesterday when a woman on one of the forums noted the change in my tone and attitude and complimented my new, more positive view of things.

Even on Spark...I don't tend to focus on the fifty pounds I have lost...I look at the thirty I have yet to lose. And that is something I also want to change about myself: to take credit for and enjoy victories like that. I've done some amazing things in my life. Things that required great strength of will and character...like working my way out of three bouts of being completely wheelchair bound...the second time, having been told by doctors and therapists that I would never walk again. I guess there must be SOMETHING positive in my beliefs about life and myself, that I would reject those dire words and never once let them plant themselves into my beliefs. I KNEW I would be able to walk again if I worked hard enough...and I did...for two years in daily PT, until, I was up and walking.

Learning numerous occupations and jobs ...from artistic to secretarial to customer service to medical ...the fields were varied--and I always excelled at what I did...until my illnesses began to interfere to such a degree that I was forced to resign from these jobs after some years of being there. Sometimes it was a physical disability that halted me; and others, a mental...but until that happened, I was careful always to do my best...and that best was always above the standard of expectation held for me.

I am not telling you these things to make you impressed with me, but telling myself them, so that I will begin to believe them and to own them. The only thing about that that is so difficult is that once I own the good things in my past...it does tend to make my present more sad and my future look more bleak. I am attempting, rather resolutely, not to look at where my illnesses are taking me and at what may well occur - even soon. I'm trying not to view my present circumstances to be as pathetic as they probably, in reality are. If I think of the future at ALL (and I mean this very literally) I only think of where I'll be once I cross the final exit to this life and entrance to my real LIFE. I've been reading a lot of Randy Alcorn's books, both nonfiction and fiction, on the topic of Heaven...and I thank God for him, because he has turned upside down my misconceptions and with the imaginative and Scriptural way he has presented what awaits us there, I can only look forward to it with intense eagerness and joy.

I know that the reason that the numerous brushes with death that I've experienced in past years have not taken me out that door, sooner, was because God still had a lot of work to do in my character - refining me and teaching me to love and trust him more. I'm in a hurry to learn all these lessons so that I can experience what lies ahead sooner. I think of that place often. I think of finally seeing Y'shua and embracing him...or just falling down and worshiping him...and the anticipation is unbearable. But I am at the same time content to wait, because I know that I still have things to do here. My daughter in particular, needs me now. And there are still people, possibly who might be encouraged by my emails and the blogs and the forums I participate in. And most importantly, God has simplified my life (down to the really BORING level, haha) so that I can learn to spend more time with him and in prayer for the numerous missions workers whom I support with my prayers and encouragement. So, my life, although uneventful, is still meaningful...and it still will be even if I become completely incapacitated. But at the same time, I do not want there to be excessive attempts to keep me here...because I've got Places to go and People to see!

Midnight Muse: A New Endeavor

hi! It's 2:10 AM and I've been up since 11:00. Seems that's my quota of sleep for tonight...3 hours...(yes, I go to bed early...when you get up at midnight, the day gets long and tiring.) I am seriously considering going back onto the pain meds...I'm not getting much more sleep without them than I did with them. (I'm the only person in the world who can be kept awake by taking a Morphine compound, I think)...

Anyway, I just wanted to let you in on the big news of the day: I've begun a new blog, here on Blogger. You can either link to it through my profile, or you can click here: www.cvogelmusing.blogspot.com It' s called, "Midnight Muse" and it's a compilation of random thoughts that come to me as I sit here awake for hours at a time of day when I can do little else but write on the computer. There's no one here to talk to, but my cat--and YOU! As cute as the cat is, I prefer your company, so stop by to join the conversation...And please feel free to leave a comment. They are open to anyone whether you have an account or not.