The musings of a mind bent by mental illness and grounded in faith:
"My mind and my body may fail; but God Is the rock for my mind and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26
Last night I had a restless night. That is relatively unusual for me (even though I do have to get up and walk around or switch from bed to recliner at least 3 times a night.) Usually lately, I've been sleeping pretty well on nights that I'm not in too much pain.
I'm not sure why I was restless. Of course, it could have been the fact that one minute I was freezing and the next, sweating and uncomfortable. (call it middle age if you must)...but it was also, I think, due to the book I was reading. I'm reading a book written by a lady who grew up through at least three regimes in her homeland...Because she is a Christian, she faced unimaginable suffering there at the hands of two atheistic governments. She was imprisoned for over twenty years, many of those years spent in hard labor under horrific conditions. She faced torture, fear and the constant worry for her aging parents who were also Christians, had been imprisoned and had lost everything, including their health, for their faith.
Obviously, to read such a book, would probably disturb anyone...and maybe for differing reasons...but last night, I was asking myself the question again: "If it happens here, will I stand firm?" Now, taken at face value, the answer I must give is "yes"...but if push came to shove and I faced torture and the possible murders or arrest of my family and incredible starvation and poverty, what would be my response? I truly believe that I would never deny my Lord Jesus...I certainly have suffered just through physical and mental ailments and have not turned my back on him for the past 21 years...but the more disturbing question to me was, "What would be my attitude toward those who mistreated me?"
This lady initially hated her jailers and the other inmates who were so cruel to her, but gradually, as the Lord emptied her of all selfishness and resentment; he then filled her with his love for these people. I would have to trust that he would do the same for me...not a fun process I guess, but when I read her words now, I can see what a great work the Lord has done in her life. Her words glow with praise to her Father in Heaven and with love toward all those she encounters.
To top off my sleepless night, this morning I was reading Proverbs 28.... The whole chapter speaks of corrupt governments, moral decay in countries, abuse and mistreatment of the poor and on and on. It was like God was reiterating the things he had been showing me through this book. I particularly like the first verse of that chapter:
"The wicked run when there is no one chasing them, But the godly are as bold as lions."
Truly the first century Christians had the bravery of lions as they often FACED lions quite literally. I think that this verse must have comforted them in those moments. I'm so glad that I have so much of God's Word memorized; for if there comes a time when it is wrested from my hands...God will still be able to use it to speak to my heart, because it is there that His Word resides.
I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. That is, paradoxically, both because I've been busy--and also because I have nothing really new to report! My "busyness" has been because I've been exercising and working on my weight loss project (45 pounds thus far and many inches!). It's also been because I've been trying to reassert order to this house that has been abandoned by me for several years now. (Not literally "abandoned"--I've still lived here when not in the hospital, but all attempts at housekeeping etc. were laid aside due to illnesses, both mental and physical.) Due to my efforts at exercising and to the fact that my asthma has been under very good control for several months now--I've finally gotten strong enough and have enough endurance to do things like mop the floors and vacuum. Although I am still seriously hindered by back and joint pain, I'm pretty good at "sucking it up" and getting stuff done regardless of how I'm feeling. That is: as long as my discomfort is limited to pain and doesn't involve breathlessness or being sick mentally.
I'm finding that my house is full of the acruments of a person who once had energy and inclination to save and re-use every container that I "might one day use", and who DID use them - filling jars etc, with whole grains and herbs (which I grew and dried myself) (see image)...dried fruits, relishes and pickles I'd made, etc. It's been quite a while since I could tolerate the physical effort of cooking like that (although I still do use the whole grains and herbs), so the containers have sat empty and served only to clutter up shelves. So I'm in a process of shedding excess belongings or things that I relate to activities which I can no longer do due to my arthritis. I've given away all of my craft and stamping equipment...and much of my art equipment. I've still kept my watercolors and sets of pencils and pastels etc...not as much because I will use them, but more because I cannot bear to part with them.
Today, I cleaned out my screen porch...which was a disaster area of spilled potting soil and soil-filled pots which still contain the roots of the plants that once flourished there. I'd already given away many of my pots and garden containers (of which I had MANY, having nurtured a very large vegetable and herb container garden on my deck (see picture) for the years preceding my becoming too disabled. Actually, this year is the first when I finally had to admit to myself that I really could not plant or maintain a garden anymore. I did not plant anything this year and only have a planter full of chamomile and mint and lemonbalm as well as a garden plot of perennials which were hardy enough to bloom for another year and suffer my neglect. I am grateful for this patch of ground which now holds oregano, thyme, mint, catnip and a few flowers (which the voracious deer have all but destroyed because I did not spray them this year with my capsicum mixture which has repelled them in the past).
My other flower beds are full of weeds and it saddens me to see them...and to admit that, as much better as I've been feeling, I still cannot get down on my knees to pull out the weeds. I mourn the passing of my health in the same way as, I guess, an elderly person does, who suddenly has to come to terms with the fact that this year, they can no longer do what they did last year...and that they will never be able to again. I still haven't come to the point when I can say "never again" and that is the reason I've kept some art supplies and many garden implements. But I DO have to admit that it will be well over a year before I can consider such activities again, because I'm waiting for three more surgeries which will very effectively obliterate most of my activity for next year as well.
My great goal and hope is that next month I will be able to purchase a new LCD screen for my laptop to try to repair the damage I did to it by falling on it. That will greatly improve my "freedom" to interact online and to once more, pursue my writing. For now, that has largely been abandoned. My autobiography is now in the hands of an agent for her perusal. And who knows where that may go? Maybe nowhere, but I do have to cherish some dreams, don't I?
This year I will be unable to attend the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference that I went to last year. I'm saddened by this, as it was a truly great experience last time, and I met many new friends with whom I would love to reconnect. My health and also finances are the two barriers I faced in this decision. Although, I probably, by the time the conference rolls around, would be in better shape than I was last year in terms of being able to walk across campus numerous times in the day...my spine still would not have permitted me to sit for the extended periods necessary to be able to take advantage of all the meetings and workshops it will involve.
My hip is doing well...and on days when my OTHER hip is not acting up (as it was yesterday, due, I'm sure, to the storms that were rolling through), I can walk for a quick mile (19 minutes)--even despite the many steep hills in my community. I hope to be able to improve my endurance and speed, but am happy with even that for now. And thus far, I've lost 45 pounds of what I'd gained in the past two years.
I have to learn to be patient with this "twitchy" body...there are days when I just cannot do what I can do on other days. I've had to learn to accept that - and also not to allow it to cause me to despair. For example, yesterday, every joint in my body hurt and I was completely exhausted (both symptoms were from the PsA)...but today, I'm feeling pretty good. It is hard to roll with the tide and also hard to make plans when everything must be taken day by day...but maybe that is good training on "abiding in" and trusting God. To ask for my daily "bread" and not to look for anything beyond that...and also to be willing to accept whatever ration or portion He should decide to grant me each day, requires a life of acceptance and trust. I do not claim to have mastered that yet! But I'm working on it...and I think I'm getting better at it.
I'm so grateful that the respiratory problems I have, have been in control for months now...really since April. And that is a record not exceeded in recent memory. What a gift it is...to walk across a room and not be doubled over gasping for breath! And to think that I'm walking quick miles as well!! And that I can complete an aerobic workout which takes almost 20 minute! How amazing is that?! And the best part is that I'm not really taking much medication for that problem at all now.
I try not to think of how heartbroken I will be if it comes back and I need to go onto IV steroids again....After all this hard work!! But then I have to comfort myself and to realize that if I did not lost the weight in between times, and if I did not get my muscles strong again in between,...then I certainly would weigh 400 pounds and be wheelchair bound from the myopathy *muscle damage from steroids.* So it is NOT wasted...but it IS frustrating...to never be able to retain my former thin, toned figure for more than a couple of months at a time is SO aggravating!
But again, that in itself contains a lesson that God has been teaching me: not to compare myself to others or to "Cynthia-of-the-past;" to accept from his hand what each day holds and to be thankful for the gifts that day contains. Gratitude is a biggie. I'm learning to be grateful, even when I'm huddled in bed, wracked with pain...learning that those moments are prime opportunities for worship, which I believe is treasured by God. Each day holds treasures and gifts which we can so quickly over look in our rush and hectic schedules. God has given ME the gift of slooooowwwwing my life down, so that I have "nothing better to do" than to examine it all and to discover those "Treasures of Darkness" which would so easily have otherwise be missed.
For the past …week…no, 7 months…no, 5 years…. Anyway…for a long time, I ‘ve been on a mission to recover my health; to pull myself out of this slump of gasping, out-of-shape FATNESS that I’ve fallen into. I’ve gained and then lost 30, 50, pounds several times during my adult life. Most of the gains, I can honestly say, have been due to steroid damage after long bouts with asthma. Accompanying those steroid -gains were times of EXTREME muscle weakness, (called “steroid myopathy”) which once was so bad, I was wheelchair-bound for close to two years and was told I’d never walk again. But each time, I got MAD and worked like a maniac to recover my strength…And each time I DID. Only to be knocked on my can again by another bout of illness or asthma.
In the past three years, I’ve gone through quite a lot of hell – If I told you the whole story, you’d probably think I was making it up…so I won’t- Just trust me when I say that everyone who knows me personally says when they see me “What NOW??” expecting a horror story of health (mental and physical) disaster–and they usually get it. I don’t go out LOOKING for these problems…they come to find ME.
Anyway, two years ago I had meningitis and this followed a time when I was seriously working to get into shape and lose weight…and I’d succeeded. And the meningitis succeeded in not only stealing all that hard won strength, but it made me look emaciated as well. But THEN, followed two years of a lot of psychosis…and combination after combination of psych meds was tried. And there were three of them that did serious damage to my figure. (I won’t mention their names because each person reacts differently to medication, and I don’t want to poison anyone’s mind against a med that might actually help them). On these meds, I gained over 80 pounds in a YEAR AND A HALF! That may be some kind of record…don’t know. But anyway, I finally insisted that they take me off of these zombie juices (because that’s what they turned me into) and put me on a different combo…one that I’d researched and chosen, mostly myself, although my husband helped. And BINGO! Not only am I feeling much more alert; not hallucinating hardly at all; not paranoid (thank GOD); but I am finally able to lose weight.
That does NOT mean that the pounds automatically melt off. No such luck. I have to work as hard as anyone else to lose a pound. I joined Sparkpeople.com to help me in this process. It is an amazing website/community of people who are either striving to lose or to maintain lost weight. They are big on fitness…and healthy eating. There are forums, nutrician/calorie trackers, fitness trackers, weight/measurement reports, a place to design your own “Spark Page” and keep blogs…It’s great!! And it’s FREE. Whether you have 400 pounds to lose (and there are people on that site who’ve DONE that!) or whether you are struggling over 10 pounds…or whether you just want to improve your health, it’s a great place to go.
This was not intended to be a Spark advertisement…but a testimonial as to how my life and health have changed and are changing. In March, I was in the hospital with asthma…then I couldn’t even walk down the hall of the hospital to the nurse’s station because I was so weak and so out of breath (and this was the day I went HOME from there!). But I had decided then that I wanted my health back and would fight to do it. As I left the hospital, I asked my doctor what kind of exercise he thought I’d eventually be able to do. He said emphatically, “NONE.” But then conceded that ultimately I may be able to take short walks, as long as I could tolerate.
Within a couple of months, I’d lost 30 pounds, but then gained back 10…and stayed there for quite a while. My period of nausea and the fasting I did then, broke my plateau after my surgery and that helped me to renew my momentum and determination. Since I’ve come home, I’ve begun to walk outside everyday…my only goal being “to go further than the day before”. Today I walked (and RAN a bit!!!) over 3 miles…mostly up and down hills, since I live in the mountains. The best part was that this was the first day I came home feeling GOOD, not like I was going to die! I’ve lost many inches on my hips, thighs, and waist…and now finally, my upper arms are beginning to join the team and display the results of my workouts. I’ve lost a total of 45 pounds thus far. Right now I’m at another slight plateau…but I know that this is because I am gaining muscle weight and losing fat weight…and the muscle gains are greater.
I’m so excited to be doing yoga again! And yesterday I did an aerobics video…17 minute long program…and I COMPLETED it!! I never thought I’d have the breath to do that ever again. (I do have to say that my asthma has been very cooperative and is staying out of my way for now…I just have to avoid getting sick! That’s when I have problems.) I’ve been doing some strength training as well. And I am, for once, not going to extremes in terms of drastically cutting calories but am focusing on eating balanced, healthy meals …and maintaining a good calorie range for maximum weight loss and health.
This is turning into a book! I just wanted to encourage you, if you are struggling and things look hopeless. They are only hopeless if you AGREE that they are. Get mad! PUSH BACK!
I just wanted to say that this is the first time in probably 3 years that I have felt WELL mentally...content with my medications and not scared by my "wellness." Always, in the past, when I had a period of stability, I had the sense of precariousness--as though I was balancing on a high wire in a wind storm and there happened to be a lull. My wellness before was fragile and while I would appear to be stable outwardly, inwardly, I still was battling the demons. And always, ALWAYS - I hated my medications and if given a chance, would have flushed them all down the toilet. I had no energy, no ambition, no desire to do anything...could not even force myself to take a shower more than once a week and would wear the same clothes, sleeping and waking, for several days on end. (GROSS, I know.)
However, I have discovered a combination of medications which has really helped the negative symptoms of my disease (negative symptoms are lack of energy, ambition, ability to enjoy anything...etc). The positive symptoms (hallucinations and delusions --for me paranoia ideas) and now also much more in abeyance than they were previously. Although I still hear "whispers" and see things ( I think) out of the corners of my eyes...these things are MUCH better than they were. The paranoia, which I found to be the most distressing out of all my symptoms, has been almost non-existent. And best of all: I AM LOSING THE WEIGHT THE PREVIOUS MEDS MADE ME GAIN! I had gained 80 p0unds in one year, which would upset anyone, but for a partially recovered anorexic, is INTOLERABLE. I've lost 45 pounds so far, and am doing it reasonably and healthfully, through exercise, yoga and right eating.
Other than the setback I had as a result of the anesthesia from my surgery, when I became VERY paranoid and was actively hallucinating, I have been stable for enough months, that I feel safe in saying, "I am doing well."
This is the first combo of meds I've tried which made me feel significantly better enough to make me admit that I need them and they are worthwhile. I've even had some opportunities NOT to take them and have taken them anyway. (My husband dispenses my medications to me because of my very erratic history of being compliant with them).
So, if you are struggling and feel there is nothing that will help you to feel better; if you have a loved one of whom you are despairing...DO NOT GIVE UP! Last year two more psychiatric hospitals closed their doors to me, saying that my case was hopeless and that I belonged in a State psych hospital, possibly for good. Those were the last two options of hospitals that I had, other than a state facility. I was in terror of going to such a place, having been to large county facilities before, and knowing that the state institutions are worse yet...and the ones I were at were hell-holes.
I hate the fact that I have to take SO MANY meds in order for me to be stable. I hate the fact that they are very expensive and my family must go without other things in order for me to have them...I hate even NEEDING them...but right now, I am thanking God for them, because for the first time in many years, I feel like a normal person.
I saw a post this morning on Facebook which was link to a Youtube video by Josh Groban entitled "You Raise Me Up." It made me cry. Not only was it a visually and musically beautiful video, it was spiritually beautiful as well. It cannot be embedded here, (evidently by the request of the copyright owners) but please follow this link and view it for yourself. I would like to dedicate it to my father and to my heavenly Father.
I was just tracking my goals this morning and one of them caught my eye...It was this: To capture and replace any negative thinking with good thoughts. Well, if you read my first blog from this morning, you would see that I was in quite a pit of negativity and even self-pity. I don't like myself when I'm like that. It's not a pretty sight!
So, this morning I took a pain pill and ended up sleeping for two more hours, and when I awoke, was still hurting, but was generally in less pain. So I gathered myself together and, after making some phone calls, made brownies (from scratch) for me to take to the barbecue tonight. (Question: is it ethically right to make a food that tastes delicious but which NO ONE NEEDS in terms of its calorie content, and I myself won't even eat??) I would have much rather made a pasta salad or some such thing, even if it was just so that I would have something less damaging to eat than the fare offered there tonight, but I don't have the ingredients in the house to do much. I could make a SMALL portion of something...but this needs to be enough to feed close to 20 people.
ANYWAY, I am digressing.
In terms of "capturing our thoughts" (as a Bible verse calls it)...and DECIDING to think otherwise...For me, just the act of making the brownies was an affirmative action. Because of two reasons. One is that all I really wanted to do was to stay in bed today. And also because it was a commitment to attend the barbecue tonight...which also means that I am committing to getting into the shower and getting myself dressed up enough to "go public." And I found that, once I'd gotten the brownies into the oven, the idea of taking a walk or doing some yoga was no longer as intimidating. And that was just because I'd gotten MOVING.
I think that sometimes, as I tried to explain to my daughter the other day, we must start with ACTION and let the action affect or determine our attitude... Usually we try to wait until we FEEL like doing something before we do it. Well, today was one of those days when I knew I would not FEEL like doing anything positive all day long. So rather than let the whole day slide down into the quicksand of self-pity and pain; I had to take myself by the scruff of the neck and say "Look, You are just going to DO this and this...like it or not!!"
I think this kind of thinking is what lies at the base of both the Spiritual Disciplines like fasting and meditation...and is also at the base of Yoga and such. They are based on the premise that we can determine our attitudes and even our character by accomplishing an overt action. And that action can only be undertaken by a firm decision of the will. After all, who really feels like fasting? And then we find, sometimes to our surprise, that our feelings have come on board and we are overall in a much better spot than we were initially.
Today's wake up was a "groaner"...Not because I was tired and didn't want to get up; but because my body hurt at every single joint and then some. I spent two hours in bed past my normal time to get up, simply because my body wouldn't get up. On some days like this, if I wait it out in the morning...for a couple of hours, the stiffness and pain will calm down. This morning I took a morphine pill and something called "Norco"- both of which the doctor had just prescribed instead of the meds I had been taking... That was about 3 hours ago...and I don't feel any better.
I DID manage to crawl into the shower, hoping that the warm water would loosen things up a bit,...and maybe it did somewhat, but I am still struggling with the decision of whether or not to go for the walk that I've instituted into my daily routine. I've been really trying to incorporate some exercise into my days...and have been watching what I eat; have established a calorie limit and so far, (most days) have stuck to it. Since the doctor has changed (at my insistence) my psych meds around, to eliminate the ones that have made me PILE on the weight (close to 80 p0unds in a year!); I have been able to lose 45 pounds thus far. While I am feeling much better in that regard, I am determined to get to a really healthy weight. I can't stand the feeling of weighing too much and not having any control over it! It didn't seem to matter how much or how little I ate, while on those meds, the weight just kept growing more and more out of control.
So far, I've been able to go off of my blood pressure medications. I think my blood sugar readings are much better now too, because they had been getting to a worrisome height when I weighed so much. Now to "attack" these saggy muscles and to try to rebuild some endurance and flexibility once more. I'd gotten so stiff from not being able to move, that it was adding to my pain.
But today; my body is protesting. And I don't know whether I should "push through" the pain and do some exercise anyway, or whether I should listen to my screaming joints and give it a break. It's not like I have been overly demanding on it and this is why it is hurting. I've been pretty cautious about what I do and have tried to be patient with it as it is slowly learning to move again.
Maybe I'll wait a while and see how I feel later in the day. I just hope that my morning motivation doesn't fly out of the window also.
I’ve been thinking about the writing I do online. I read something by Thomas Merton which talked about the conflict which someone who is an artist (eg: a writer) and also a mystic faces. He said that a writer/artist delves deep into himself and God in order to have material from which to WORK and to share with the public eye. While a mystic delves deep in order to learn to BE and to live in the depths of God. Because the mystic does not rush out from the depths of the understandings he is gaining in God in order to express them, as does the artist, he can continue to go deeper. He is also unencumbered from the pride which plagues an artist….free from the need to be admired and read/viewed by the public eye. And then the mystic can bear witness to the truths of God by the evidence they display in his/her LIFE instead of his WORK.
This is a struggle that I can VERY much relate to. And it is one that, while despising it, I also am not clear on where my role really SHOULD be primarily. God gave me the gift of self expression. He has also blessed me with some understanding gained from being in proximity with Him. Do I, as did Ezekiel and also Habukkuk bear the burden of TELLING (see Habukkuk 2:2 and Eze. 3:17) or writing God’s communications with me publicly and immediately? Or should I, as God told Ezekiel elsewhere, LISTEN to what God has shown me, make use of it, integrate it into my being…before I blab it all over the internet?
I think there is a great danger of rushing out from God’s presence too quickly and then taking the bone I’ve been given and with my prideful intellect, creating a skeleton, into which I have no ability to breathe any life. I need to allow God the opportunity through His Spirit to breathe some life into my understanding and make it true of my spirit as well before I should broadcast it as a truth and making it sound as though I’ve already mastered the principle. You know what? I don’t think anyone is fooled between the discerning the difference in pure philosophizing and speaking from my own experience. The latter just rings with Truth that the former does not possess.
And then; the issue of humility…this is one that brings up MANY problems, because to endeavor to gain it or to even discuss it, has the effect of KILLING it even more.
I think the answer to this mess is to just spend more time, quietly in God’s presence and to ask Him by His Spirit to quicken my spirit with understanding…and to trust Him to do this…and to hear what He is saying to me COMPLETELY without running off while He is in mid-sentence (as I tend to also do with many people unfortunately…I’m a terrible listener). I then need to open myself and my life to His working and let Him “complete the work that He has begun in me” and trust that He will do this; and a part of that work is to develop in me the fruit of humility. That is something not to be gained by intellect or will or effort, but merely by willingness to allow Him to do that in my life. I need to continually seek to “keep on being filled” by His Spirit and all these good things will happen via my faith and patience and His great love and grace.
When my neck began its new level of intense pain, I held the hope that I could quickly get surgery to alleviate this pain that makes me want to heave my guts up.Well, as I’ve already shared with you, that hope fell by the wayside, for at least six months.
Then the surgeon gave me a new hope; one that could maybe alleviate my pain temporarily until I could have the surgery.THAT hope, too, flew out the window, for the same reason as the surgery had.
I’m sitting here early this morning, having been awakened by my neck’s screams of pain, thinking over a post Sara Frankl wrote recently for a site called (in)Courage. (http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/2010/07/incourage-stutter-steps.html) She made a comment in it that has stuck with me…about how she had trained as a hurdle-jumper in her school days and had learned how to take four stuttered steps instead of the normal three so that when she had to run into the wind, she would still be able to make the leap.
She said there, that she got to the point where she didn’t need the “break” of the wind blowing at her back. And she said she’s gotten to the point now in her life and illness where she has ceased to need/expect a break, because it often just isn’t there.She can still run and compete successfully without it.
Paul said we are to beat our bodies and bring them into subjection so that we can successfully run the race before us.Well, I haven’t really had to beat my body up; rather it has beaten ME up.Maybe my problem is not so much my body, but my mind which is still searching for that “break.”It has not so much been the pain and the physical suffering that I’ve been through that I’ve struggled to deal with (although, Lord knows, that hasn’t been easy either)…but the restriction and limitation on my life and daily activities.It has been the talents, hobbies and art which has slipped through these knobby fingers never to return.
At some point I stopped looking at my current problem as a “temporary setback” from which I would recover and be on my merry way.I began to realize that my body is pitted against me and that any kind of trouble it can find to raise, it WILL raise.
I’ve wondered why this is.My husband has repeatedly suggested (and not always very kindly) that I NEED these illnesses; that they are who I am.I’ve thought about this a lot…and I really don’t think that this is it.Because I had (and sometimes still HAVE) a hard time accepting my role as someone with poor health.I keep expecting to spring up from this sickbed and take life by storm once again.Even now, I am looking into going back to school for a bachelors in dietary science and nutrition in hopes of finding some kind of career that I can manage…and I wonder if I am just kidding myself.
Is it right not to concede; not to give up hope?Or am I only setting myself up for continual and bitter disappointment?I am at an odd age.I’m 47; no longer young, but still not old…still at an age where I should have lots of life in front of me.I fluctuate between anticipating and planning for that life and begging God just to bring me to His kingdom and get it over with.
The past ten years have been filled with every conceivable medical problem and complication….When I think of ten MORE years of this and worse, I want to lie down and cry.I think that there is no way I will have the strength to manage that.But I have learned that God doles out strength on a daily and not a yearly basis.Sometimes, as He has been in my dealings with this incredible pain, he metes it out second by second as I lay gasping and praying for the strength to survive another minute.
So, I’ve been talking about hope; hope extinguished.But if I am to live true to the title of this post, I need to talk about inextinguishable hope.It is true that the human spirit was born to hope.It is only after we concede to years of disappointment and to the whispers of despair and bitterness which come, that we can LOSE that hope.But still, even the worst cynic; even the atheist must still have enough hope to continue to live another day…Someone said that “hope springs eternal in the human breast” and I think this is true.
Even in my days of suicidal despair…I still hoped enough to look for help at the last minute (sometimes…and when I didn’t, God took over from there.)But I didn’t just lay down in a heap and refuse to even participate in this disappointment of a life…because something in me HOPED. Something in me, knew that THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS.
That last phrase has been like a mantra in my writings…and it has bannered across my mind in my moments of most bitter pain or disappointment. The Bible says that “God has placed eternity in the hearts of man”…we KNOW, deep down, that we and our lives have a significance that extends beyond our pathetic existences.Even the sickest schizophrenic holds the knowledge that they have significance….that their lives MATTER, despite how anyone else assesses them.
And I think God has built us this way.This hope carries us through our moments of despair, suffering, pain and disappointment…It propels us to pick ourselves up and try again when all seem hopeless.So whether we get a “break” or not…whether the wind is blowing at our backs or we have a hurricane gale coming against us; we can continue to run because we have this knowledge of something greater – greater than ourselves; greater than our lives – but in which our lives have a part and a role.Our bodies and our hearts cling to life…because we know deep down that we were made for life.And I believe that we know, deep down, regardless of how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, that this life is not all there is and that we are significant—to Somebody.
And that Somebody will continue to grant us the hope and strength to keep running and to keep leaping those hurdles.Sometimes he tests and develops our strength by giving us bigger hurdles and harder winds in our faces, but the hope burning in our hearts never ceases and gives us the energy to continue despite the setbacks and challenges.
And this hope fully relies on Love, on God’s love, to empower it….because if we did not know, or at least suspect, that we are greatly loved, then this hope would not only be weak, it would be a cruel farce…because we would run and leap, endlessly and with great difficulty…for WHAT?It is only the hope of being loved by, and loving in return, our Creator, which can fuel and energize us in our darkest moments.
“Three things will last forever: Faith, Hope and Love,…but the greatest of these is Love.” 1 Cor. 13:13
I’ve been thinking about something that my pastor wrote to me in an email…re: Romans 8:28…
“And we know that in all things, God works together for the good of those who love him and are called to conformity with Christ Jesus.” (for those of you who don't recognize the reference).
He said, “I do not know that God works good in everything, simply that he is working good in ALL things…” That is a very interesting and surprisingly deep thought.Because so many times when disaster or unbelievable pain or loss occurs we want to scream at God that we are unwilling to be His instruments to bring goodness to the world if it comes at the expense of our happiness – or even survival.We look at senseless tragedy like Columbine or the Sept 11th catastrophe and think “What POSSIBLE good can come from this? And what kind of a sadist God would exact so heavy a price for some goodness?”
Now it is true that out of both of these incidents and in probably every tragedy that has ever occurred have arisen to public consciousness tales of love and bravery.Or of changed lives (for the better)…So where does the truth lie?
Here’s my guess:
God is working throughout human history to redeem mankind—from his personal sin, from the sins of others, and from the horror that grips the planet and all creation.We can KNOW that there will be a happy ending…not just a “and they all lived happily ever after…” but it will be a bliss and an uncontainable joy that will rock the heavens…for eternity!For those who put their trust and faith in Christ Jesus, it will be a climax that will be better than all of our wildest dreams and imaginations and wishes combined.So we have that assurance: When this world begins to be increasingly rocked by terror and disaster…when the very stars start to fall from the skies…we can rest assured that it must get worse before it can get infinitely better, and that knowledge carries us a long way on the path of endurance.Speaking as someone who lives with unceasing pain, I can testify to that personally.THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS!! THIS IS NOT HOW IT ENDS!!
But what about our individual, personal disasters…the rip-your-heart-out agonies such as a mother experiences watching her young child suffer and die?Are they all “for the good”?
I don’t believe that they all are. I think there are some things that are just sheer, pointless agony…caused by the sin-cursed world we live in.I think there are things that make the heart of God weep, which He permits in order to remain true to his overall plan and the rules which he has established for himself to obey…(perhaps that was badly worded…maybe “in order to remain consistent with the qualities of His character and his overall dealings with mankind as he carries out his ‘BIG PLAN’—meaning the redemption of all things: snatching from the very grip of Satan and stealing from the jaws of death and hell all who would answer his invitation to come” would be a more appropriate way of saying itIn other words: there are some things; some horrific things which must be allowed for the greater good. And this good will not just be enjoyed by our successors, but by we ourselves, if we are his children.
In wars, such as WWII or the Revolutionary War, where the cause of liberty ultimately won, there were some tragic losses and suffering. Soldiers died and I’m sure that God’s heart wept with those who mourned their going….but ultimately, those people could take great pride in the choices their loved ones made, which cost them their lives, but resulted in the freedom for the rest of the people. The greater good was accomplished, at a high price, but that makes the victory really so much sweeter and valuable, doesn’t it?
If the war had been lost – and they’d died for nothing, how much more tragic! So we who suffer can take delight in our pain, knowing that somehow, inexplicably, God uses our sacrifice and pain to wreak a sweeter victory.When we stand at the gates of the HolyCity and know that pain, suffering and death, are but a memory, HOW MUCH MORE SHALL WE SAVOR OUR FREEDOM FROM THEM than we would have had we never suffered?A battle easily fought and won is not so satisfying as is a long hard fight with bountiful and delicious reward.
And looking once more at specific events: they are not all good…but God, in his mercy and goodness, often BRINGS good through them or as a result of them…even if it is "just" a sharpened hunger for heaven…or a refinement in our character…or a lesson in endurance…or trust.And I think that when we make decisions to allow God to have his way and to choose to respond in a way that pleases him; he will heap on so much more reward in the end…and in this life too. We DO have an influence in the outcome of our sufferings.We can choose to let them embitter us and turn us against a loving God, blinding ourselves to his intentions and plans—or we can cooperate with the process of purification that suffering accomplishes in us. We have a choice. The choice will not only affect our today and our tomorrow…but our forever.
Okay. For the moment anyway, I am past the shock and the self pity of my latest circumstance. I am clinging to the sovereignty of God...the mystery of his ways...trusting in his inimitable goodness and love for me...and trying to dig into this silence that is enveloping me. This ALONENESS. I am trying to realize that for the harried mother; for the exhausted businessman, this news of 6 months of being alone would maybe be welcome. I am thinking of my friend Sara Frankl, who does not even get to have the mixed blessing of family members to share her solitude and pain. (see: www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com) I am thinking that maybe God has something special for me in the midst of this pain that is SO beyond my ability to endure; something in the fact that I will probably not be able to go anywhere outside my house for quite a long time...Maybe He is just saying, "Look at ME; not at your circumstances. When the pain is unendurable, trust ME to help you bear it."
I have had some "strange" experiences in the past couple of days. At times when I think I will just lose my mind from the pain...my mind drifts into --get this--WORSHIP! I know it seems crazy (to those of you who maybe are less familiar with suffering and my God)...but it's like this: When all else fails; when you are at the complete end of yourself, WORSHIP. I heard somewhere that the end of yourself is the beginning of God. And I'm experiencing this. I feel probably like Job did when he said, after the loss of every earthly possession and all his offspring: "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!" I used to think this statement was bizarre...either a "fake" goodness, maybe hoping to rewin God's favor...or just insanity. But now I am beginning to understand. When you have nothing else and you get a glimpse then of the hugeness and inexplicability of God...that is the only possible response: to fall on your face in front of Him and admit, "I know nothing. I AM nothing. It's all Yours to give or to take." and then He rewards us with a PEEK at His face.
This whole experience has made me realize that I've thought and said some pretty pompous things, for a creature made of clay... Just thinking that God OWES me health and well-being is one of them. "What are you? Dust. Grass that will wither and blow away in the heat of the morning sun"...(rough paraphrase) The AMAZING thing is that God has granted these cursed bodies the ability to contain an immortal soul and the promised of a restored and immortal body. Who are we to demand comfort also during this trek on earth? We have been blessed with "every spiritual blessing" (Ephesians 1 I think) and those blessings are eternal. This life is a flicker...but it is truly the only time of great OPPORTUNITY that we will be granted. God gives us tests...not to punish us, but for the chance to show off what we know; for the ability to improve our grade-point averages (which started out at zero)...so as such, they are great opportunities. Unless of course, we throw them back at Him, spit in His face and say, "HOW DARE YOU?" Then our testing becomes a true curse, because we failed to take advantage of the possibility that was granted us.
I can see; (as could any blind man) that these six months are at least a unit test...and who knows? maybe my final exam. I do NOT want to mess this up! I do not want to miss the treasures that God has tucked into this great darkness for me to discover!
"THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY..." my response will be to bless his name and to worship him and to TRUST that it is for my ultimate good.
Hold me to that okay? If I start to go stir crazy or to fall into whining, suggest I revisit this post...I may need to be reminded.
Here's a brief update and a poem with my response to the latest in the life of....
I went to the spinal surgeon yesterday...He said I have three discs in my neck which are destroyed (ie: herniated)...and need surgery for that. He also said that I need MORE surgery in my lumbar spine as well...(I've already had 5 surgeries there...and thought that any more was impossible. I'd resigned myself to living with that pain...so maybe this is good news).
The BAD news is that he won't touch me surgically for another 6 MONTHS due to the Staph/MRSA infections in my hip. I was in a panic when I went to him, thinking that I'd have to have an MRI and an Myelogram prior to any surgery...and thinking I couldn't bear to wait for THAT delay! SIX MONTHS!!!
I'm trying hard not to pray for death...and not succeeding. Here's a poem I just wrote on my feelings at the moment.
Slogging
Cynthia Lott Vogel
07-02-10
All Rights Reserved.
I’ll follow you, Lord…
…Wait O God,
Not so fast into those murky slogging depths!
I gasp, breath-catching at the prospect
Of the deep swamp before me.
Soul-sucking, mud-sinking pool,
Rampant with ravenous, carnivorous fish and
Who-knows-what.
Surely not here?
Gifts buried and muddied
Sunk.
Time tick ticking, the hours as slow as my steps,
Engulfed by the ooze.
But yes, there he treads with steps sure and easy.
In his great height he seemed not to notice
The slime into which I plunged.
Up to my neck.
What could possibly lie on the other side
Of sufficient worth to justify this?
Alone,
The silence echoing my gasps of pain
As those pirhanaic jaws latch to my ankles and arms.
