Thought I'd share a few of the few pix I have of this year's garden:

Surgery a Success!

I have finally made it to the Inpatient Rehab Unit in the same medical center where I had the surgery.

From the onset, the surgery did not appear to be an easy undertaking. No one...the two anesthesists; the OR nurses; no one in that hospital could find IV access in me. My veins are completely shot from too many hospital stays and were always small and wiggly anyway.

So they were going out of the OR room to go and get a CT camera with which to seek a vein and put in a central line or a PICC line when I "remembered" something. This rembembering I put in quotes because I didn't remember it, I was reminded of it, by the voice of the One I love. He (the Lord God) whispered in my ear, "Remember the vein in the back of your forearm? The one they only found and used ONCE?

So I called out "WAIT!!" and told them of my secret vein. They accessed it and the OR cheered.

The beginning of the anesthesia process had everyone sweating a bit. After attempting to do a spinal block and finally admitting the impossibility of this ever working, due to my spinal fusions; the anesthetist decided to attempt general anesthesia (which was made risky by the asthma which I have). However, my neck mobility is severely limited by arthritis, and some fusions which have spontaneously occurred there as well. So he either got creative or he attempted something fairly rare by inserting the oxygen catheter which would do my breathing for me during the surgery, through my nostril until it reached my trachea. They have to do this with camera assistance (I believe they used flouroscopy) and I remember the first part of it anyway...unfortunately I had to be (or just WAS) awake for the initial part of that procedure. It didn't really hurt...just was pretty uncomfortable as you might imagine. The hardest part was to remain relaxed as they kept telling me to be.

But once I was out of the way and soundly asleep, the surgery flew by without incident or problem; in fact that was the first thing the surgeon said and is still the first thing out of his mouth everytime he sees me now. "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WELL IT WENT!" I just smiled and told him, "That is because you had people from all over the world praying for you." He looked a bit nonplussed by that statement but evententually seemed to accept it if not to believe it.

Everyone involved with that surgery, wishes we had signed consent for the second hip to be done at the same time should things have progressed so amazingly well, but honestly, (and I confess this with shame on my part) NO ONE expected that to have even been a possibility.

Nor did I have to remain in the medical part of the hospital for the week plus that I was initially "quoted" as likely. I was only there TWO DAYS and that INCLUDED the day of the surgery!! This is now my second day in the rehab unit (and getting the insurance company to approve of THAT instead of sending me to a nursing home was another HUGE unliklihood and thus a response of God to the prayers of His people on my behalf.

OK,

Thank each one of you for praying...even a short breath prayer you may have uttered one time on reading of once post...they ALL COUNT!! Thanks again.
(Oh, and as you may have surmised by now, the Rehab unit has a patient computer!! Amen and Amen!!)

update

A REALLY quick update:
The Surgery is ON! I'm supposed to report to the surgical suites at 5:45 AM tomorrow. Asking for your prayers for a quick recovery without complication.
Blessings,
Cynthia

Once More, then I'll Quit

I've been really trying to not let my health, pain or my impending surgery consume my thoughts, writing and conversation...so to tell you that this blog is going to break that resolution temporarily may scare you into not reading the rest of this post. But really I just need to update you on what's happening, because it will impact this blog and indirectly, you, the readers.

I'm scheduled (well sort of) for a total hip replacement on this Tuesday morning. However, I've been medically cleared and then uncleared three times already since Wednesday past. The four doctors who are running the show have found one reason after another based on my bad health, to cancel the surgery from going ahead...I've seen specialists, had more tests..., conceded to some things like going BACK onto steroids for a while and going to ICU after surgery rather than to the Bone and Joint Center as I'd wished to go...and the surgery was rescheduled. But THEN, on Thursday, I got a call from my primary doctor who told me that my sodium levels are too dangerously low to proceed....So I've been eating every salted thing around and taking sodium supplements...all in preparation for another blood test tomorrow (Monday)... So I will actually not know whether or not it's a go ahead until the night before or the morning of surgery.

Sigh.

I know that this is the best I'm ever going to be health wise in order to hope to have this procedure. The asthma has been under control for a couple of months, our deductible is paid for the year,...things are looking good as far as I can see from my end.

But from what my husband tells me, these four doctors have been losing some sleep over Tuesday's event.

They just need a God who can take care of stuff like that for them!

Anyway. I'm preparing for everything, as though it will happen and be a success. But I've also had to give some consideration to the (slim) chance that it will not end so happily...which is always sobering. Not for me, but for my family. I pray that I will be fine and we can begin to think about doing the other hip soon. Please pray with me for this.

Note the new profile pic. I took it today. Scary huh? Steroids and meningitis do a number on your face :P.

Anyway, My laptop still remains wounded on the field. I am awaiting a search and rescue mission to go and retrieve and repair it soon....pending obtaining the money which we don't have....so maybe NOT soon. Which means that it could conceivably be a WHILE before you hear from me here.

If we are on emailing terms, here is an email address you can contact me at temporarily...My husband can get it on his computer at work and can convey the messages to me, either in the hospital or in rehab. It is: qadosh2him@yahoo.com

I hope to hear from you ...and better yet...to be able to write for you again soon.
My prayers are with you guys...you know who you are.
God's richest and most abundant blessings on you and on your families.

My New Writing Project

I finally realized, after a series of events and situations, that God wants me to get serious about condensing and putting down on paper a thought, or a principle from Scripture which I fully believe God has called me to put down into a book. I've been researching, taking notes, writing articles and rough drafts....I even completed and entire manuscript last year which I thought was what God wanted from me, but I now understand that he was leading me in a different direction to a different audience. I was really swimming in the dark. Floundering in a mass of ideas and information and had NO idea of where to take it.

Last week, as I sat in the waiting room during the slew of pre-surgical tests that I was undergoing all day, I typed frantically on my NEO, (which is a small, portable, battery operated word processor...packed with benefits and limitations). And as I wrote, the ideas coming faster than my fingers could process them, I prayed. "Lord, I know what you want me to say, but I'm not sure to whom you want to say it...and I don't know in what form it should come."

He answered me clearly.

"If you had to choose two books which you've read that you most admired for their readability, passion, and ability to convey their point which would they be?"

Well,....
They would be A Praying Life by Paul E Miller and Forgotten God by Francis Chan.
They are really easy to read...you are engrossed from the moment you pick them up. The authors are both passionate and honest about their own adventures and struggles with their topics...You want to read it quickly and then read it again slowly to chew on all of the thoughts...

"Well...."
said God.
"You do that too."

I cannot hope to compete in the same arena as either of these two men...but I am grateful to them for providing me with a model or a framework which I might follow... What they have accomplished, is my goal.

So I began in earnest.
I put away the old manuscript...did not even look at it for ideas or good portions to cut out of it.

This is a new work...based on an ancient idea. An idea that existed before Time began.

I've been working on it very seriously for about a week now... although I have far to go, I am fairly pleased with what I've done thus far. I have a good outline and table of contents...and have completed about three chapters. I've gotten my notes all in order and have cut and pasted them into the appropriate chapters so when I go to work on that chapter, all my ideas are there waiting for me.

Next time I will tell you a "funny story" about how God had to take away the laptop, which I critically need in order to complete this, in order to get me to work on it seriously.

Books and Heaven

This picture is a screen saver my daughter made for me...not one of her finest works of art...but I love it anyway. Miss you too Yeka.

Not many thoughts today...had another MD visit to finally finish the clearance for the surgery...and got that at long last.

I know that I am too focused on my physical problems...and I apologize for that. When I'm home alone all day with nothing else going on but that, I guess it's easy to fall into that trap.

I could tell you instead of a book I'm reading ...actually I'm reading two books...actually (technically) I'm probably reading a hundred because in the past couple of years I've had serious trouble finishing a book. The problem for one thing is that concentration is hard. And for another, because my short term memory is so bad, when I put a book down for the night or to eat dinner or something, if I don't pick it right back up and FINISH it, when I go back a day or more later, I don't remember any of it. The problem with my short term memory is so frustrating.

My daughter told me once, "It must be great--everything is always new to you! You're like taking a kid to a new place every day...you've never been there before." I thought that was an interesting take on it. But the actual experience of not remembering much of anything except what happened years ago or a few minutes ago is different, and not fun. It's kind of like looking at the world through a camera lens...and all you know of the world is just what you can see through that lens. It's confusing and frightening; especially when everyone else can remember and see the rest of the world that is obscure to me.

Anyway...back to the book.
This book is called Dominion by Randy Alcorn. He's the guy who wrote a masterful book on the topic of Heaven (In fact Heaven is the title of his other book)...Dominion is fiction and Heaven is not. (haha...good play on words) ...but heaven plays a big part in Dominion as well..about half of the book takes place there. I love reading about Heaven. Heaven--the way it's really going to be: not floating on clouds playing harps or singing in choirs for eternity...but the way the Bible shows it. I think it's interesting that the Bible doesn't say , "OK, this is what Heaven will be like..." and then teach on it. It gives glimpses. Peeks. Hints...They are all through Scripture but must be sought out and thought about. Well, Alcorn has done this. And the result is exciting.

Actually, a lot of what he says in here, I'd already guessed myself just from reading the Bible. But it's good to hear someone else verify my thoughts. I think a lot about Heaven. Not in a suicidal way. Just in a body-hurting-stuck-in-a-world-gone-awry way. For example, every time I hear or see injustice (every day)....I think longingly of when that will be gone, righted.
And when I think of having a body that can go roller blading again...I CAN'T WAIT!!! I used to love roller blading and I fully believe that I will be doing a lot of that in Heaven or on the New Earth.

Anyway, I would heartily recommend both books to you (by Alcorn)...The other book I mentioned that I'm reading is a biography of Jonathan Edwards by George Marsden. You would probably say to me "Why are you reading that if you can't remember from one day to the next if you saw the book, because there is no way anyone can finish that book in a day...not even my daughter. I haven't checked out the number of pages in it...but it's a lot...maybe equaling Gone with the Wind (which, btw was 1066)...which OK, I read in TWO days, when I was in 7th or 8th grade...(back then, I had a brain...which now seems to have leaked out my ears some time ago).

My friend Esther gave me this biography because she knew of my fascination with Edwards. I admire him probably as much as any other historical figure I can think of. He was an incredible man of God...Sometimes that can get lost in looking back at him...because then (it was in the early 1700's when he lived), people were different. Stiffer. They were more concerned with propriety and honor and such, and his heart for God and his love for Him, can get lost in that landscape. But when you read his writings, as I've done, it is evident that this is a man who could THINK and who passionately was devoted to the Lord.

My interest in Edwards is what will enable me to get through this book. Not only because I am interested in him, but because for many years, I've been reading about him and reading his works. So my familiarity with the subject should make it easier to keep going without getting lost in the fog outside of my lens-view.

Sorry this post has turned into a book review, but maybe that's better than a "review of systems" --which is a joke you'd only get if you've worked in the medical profession. I'm not going to give it away...ask a doctor. (I worked as a Unit Secretary in two hospitals for a number of years, so I know all the lingo and even how to read a doctor's handwriting: it's what I did for a living.) More later.

in flight

Today was....well...interesting. I had my pre-surgical testing and was ultimately, after some hesitation and talk of making me see more doctors and undergo more procedures and tests prior to clearing me, approved as a surgical patient for next Tuesday the 25th. If you are a praying person, please pray that all goes well. The surgeon and the anesthesiologist both marked my chart with large letter: RISK. Yep, that's me; a risk.

Last night I was up for the entire night. I had to take a pain pill at about the time that I go to bed, which is never a good idea. I'm one of those strange people who CANNOT sleep after taking that type of medication. So I was up the whole night typing away on my NEO which is a mini-word processor, highly portable, given to me by my parents in pre-laptop years...It uploads to the computer, so it is great for my needs now that I am lap-less.

I wrote REAMS of stuff last night, and did a lot of editing of it today...worked on it the whole day as I waited in between appointments and during the two hours my dad and I had to kill between appointments. Problem is; when I just uploaded the stuff onto the PC, not only is it MASSIVELY infected with typos (probably due to the frenetic speed with which I was writing trying to capture thoughts which appeared to me to be BRILLIANT, before they disappeared forever.) So capture them I did.

UH. If anyone saw these pages and pages of writing, I would be on the way to the hospital for shore. Not much of it makes sense. It is really hard to follow the train of thought. I also talked at breakneck speed today; to everyone I encountered which is completely unlike me. The only other time I can recall being like this; revved up and talking in incomplete sentences was on the way to the Carrier clinic escorted by nice men with syringes and restraints. I'm really trying tro slow myself here, so that I don't make a repeat of that trip anytime soon. Problably it is due to the lack of sleep and the nervousness over the testing today and the surgery itself. Rgith? Right??

I think really what my problem is, is not that what I'm saying doesn't make sense but that I'm just having trouble grasping and understanding what I wrote. Probably due to an exhausted body and brain. I hope I will sleep tonight...the next week is packed every day with work to be done prior to the coming surgery. anesthesia will be nice....

Learning a Lesson

Time for a more positive post. As I just looked back over the last several, I thought to myself : who would want to READ this much bad news and negativity?? So if you've stuck with me through it; thank you.

Today I had a fairly good day, despite the bad morning when I posted the last post in here. My daughter and I spent most of the day alone together and it was like the nice days we had together before she left home...except that I can see a real maturing and refining in her that was absent before...Also a greater degree of unselfishness. Last night when I was really hurting, she invited me to talk...not to talk in such a way as to put her in the middle, but just as an outlet, an ear. And it helped. And she also helped me to regain some perspective.

Sadly, today she had to go back to her new home...but happily, she is returning in a few weeks following next weeks hip surgery, for two weeks, to help me with what I need. She's not looking forward to this because she is easily grossed out by physical issues, but I will try to make it a good time for the two of us. My husband says she does not feel loved because I never made her feel loved. I love her more than anything on earth. I do hope she knows that. It's so hard to make our kids understand and absorb our love for them, especially when everyone in their world is giving opposing messages. Hard to believe that YOU are LOVED! While it is definitely true that my husband and I have differing means of showing our love for her and for each other, I hope that she can learn to realize that not everyone loves in the same manner, but that does not affect the magnitude of our love.

My laptop may possibly be fixed by a friend of my parents. I am praying that this will be the case!

I am going to make it a goal to "fix my eyes on what is good, lovely and of good reputation..." and to "give thanks in all things." Time to stop whining and complaining and time to start thanking God for what I do have.

Gone

my world has shrunk to a point that is unbearable. Early this morning I was trying to get from my bed to the recliner, because I was in bad pain...I couldn't really walk ....It takes me a few hours in the morning til I can walk...and I lost my balance and stepped on my closed laptop which was on the floor.

I broke the monitor,

NOTHING worse could have happened to me. That computer was all that was keeping me alive and sane....and it's gone. Even my music is gone...because I have to charge it on that laptop (my mp3 player)...I had music in my ears all the time to drown out the voices. Gone.

I'm sitting at the pc now, but can only tolerate at few minutes of sitting here.
How can I bear to sit in my recliner or bed for 20ish hours a day with NOTHING?

If I don't post much anymore, that is why.

My Shrinking World

Well, several steps were taken yesterday in the process of reducing my life to just one small room in my house. It seems so unreal but it is becoming more and more apparent that this bedroom is going to be home base…probably until I need to go and stay in an assisted living facility. That idea is so foreign; so huge; that I am having lots of trouble wrapping my mind around it…but I guess it’s good that it is not happening all at once, so I do have time to adapt to the idea. My mind keeps arguing that I'm not old enough for this to happen. And I'm not.

First came the giving up of being able to cook, and clean and take care of my own house. Then came the giving up of my two rooms downstairs where most of my belongings lie….Giving away craft and art supplies…etc… is like parting with a good friend, each one of them. Giving up gardening also brought some tears...Those of you who know me well, know of my passion for growing herbs.

And now I am giving up driving. This huge step also happened in stages. First for over a year I had to hand over the keys because I was psychotic so much of the time that my husband wouldn’t let me drive. (And that, after several car accidents due to that very reason)…Then I drove locally a bit; and now, today, I am giving my car to a family who needs it a lot more than I do because they are out of work and without a car. So that will be it I think…no more driving. I used to love to drive. It was my only real freedom, in those miserable years after and during college when I so often needed to leap into my car and just ESCAPE to where ever. But lately when I drive I notice that I am tending to make really bad and dangerous decisions,not to mention the fact that I can no longer turn my head to look behind me! So good bye car. Good bye much of my freedom.

But I do think that God is giving me this time at home alone,in order to transcribe many of my notes and writings throughout the years into some kind of cohesiveness; at least to make them legible to and perhaps, usable to someone. And so, that is what I’ve been working on doing, here in these days, prior to surgery. (I’m having major surgery on the 25th of this month. I will be pretty immobile for awhile afterward…thus the transfers to the upstairs room). Anyway, this is turning into a book rather than a blog. Sorry, friends. My thoughts are wandering all over this evening…Looking back; looking at my present circumstances and not daring to think ahead. But no matter where I go or what happens, I have my Lord Jesus. And nothing: neither height, nor depth, nor powers, nor sickness nor disease nor pain, nor death, can separate me from the Love of God which is found in Christ Jesus. (my paraphrase!)

Never Alone

It is now 3:45 AM and I've been up for the last forty-five minutes in really terrible pain. It is nothing new for me to be up at this hour and just about ready to leap from the roof...in fact it is almost a nightly occurrence. And this morning, I am missing my online friend, David, who lately passed away....You see, in the "good old day:" before he got sick, he used to make sure that he was up at this hour, expecting me to need an ear. That's just the kind of guy he was. I don't know why but I have this thing where if I can just complain a bit; just let someone know how much I am hurting, then I am somewhat comforted. And so every morning he was there...like a giant sponge, soaking up my pain and comforting me, often just by listening. And then, I would get to a point where I would say, "OK, that was my whining allowance for the day; I will stop now." and we would talk about other things and he would distract me by making me laugh.

This morning, as I woke with the familiar agony of swollen, hurting hands and a spine that hurts in its particular, agonizing way; I was almost as much in pain from missing David as I was physically. I sleep with my Zune (mp3) player on every night...It is nice to rise to the surface of consciousness the numerous times a night that I do, and have music playing. This morning, as I struggled with the pain, I became aware gradually of the music I was hearing. First played Barlow Girl with "Never Alone"...yeah...the title says it all. Then came Point of Grace with another self explanatorily entitled song: "No More Pain" and the came Lincoln Brewster with a song called "Psalm 91" which has the words of that Psalm as the lyrics. I've often said that in times of my need, "God is my DJ"...meaning that He has so often brought me comfort through music and the words to the songs.

Right before I began to write this post, I got an email from a good friend who is a missionary, indicating that they are facing some serious medical problems right now. My heart aches to hear this and I will send them the link to this post to let them know that they are indeed, Never Alone, even in a far off country away from friends and family as they face something that may well be catastrophic for all I know.

None of us who suffer are EVER alone. There is One who has suffered and knows more than any of us what that word means, who is HERE, always here. And soon the day will come when pain will be eradicated...not only from our own lives,...but from the entire world as the power of pain and death was crushed with Christ's death and resurrection and soon He will come to claim that victory for those who love Him.

Here is that video of the acoustic version by Barlow Girl... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdAMAbb3oUA I love this song, it has ministered to me so often...even with its rock beat and sound, the words have struck close to home so many times. "And though, I cannot see You, I will trust in the unseen...I am never alone."

Hip-pity Hopping Along

It has been a busy week and it looks like things won't let up until I get my anesthesia and go to some needed sleep for my hip replacement surgery on the 25th of this month. After glancing at the folders, brochures, forms, booklets and answering many phone calls from hospital, insurance company, doctor's office and the like...which came my way since my first orthopedic appointment on May 1st, I made the comment to my husband, "Everyone is making such a big deal about this!" He answered shortly, "It IS a big deal!"

As I work my way through pre-op appointments, informational classes, and rearranging furniture and switching bedrooms so that I will not have to navigate stairs, I am beginning to agree with that assessment. Plus, this weekend my daughter will make her first visit home since leaving so abruptly over a month ago. So there will be shopping, dinner out, the baking of a birthday cake, and making her favorite meals when she is home...Not bad busy; good busy...

I am beginning to feel the pressure and the urgency of remaining "well" for this surgery...No bronchitis; no asthma exacerbation; no psychotic episodes...you get the picture. I really would be upset if, after making all this preparation, I would have to postpone this surgery. Not to mention that the chances of getting a space between asthma hospitalizations this long again, are slim....My asthma has been under good control for the past month or two. That is some kind of a record, I think. Now for just a few more weeks of that...

I don't have any deep thoughts to share tonight...Mostly I'm just tired. I've only been getting a couple of broken hours of sleep each night for weeks (months??) due to pain in my back and hips...I've had to totally give up sleeping in my hospital bed because the last two times I began the night there, I had excruciating pain which my pain meds could not even touch. So now I am recliner bound...but lately, I've been so busy, I can only wish for a few of those long days of sitting here...chatting with David. David is gone. For now, so are those days of rest. And when I get home from surgery, I may find it a challenge to get in and out of the recliner without breaking my "hip precautions" which are like the Ten Commandments of Hip Replacements. Fortunately, there are only three of them....but I will be confronting at least one of them in practically everything I do, which means I need to be alert (hah) and to find new ways of doing everything that habit has long dictated.

That's enough from me for tonight. God bless.

A Bit of Heaven NOW

I have this friend. Her name is Esther. We are an odd combination for friends, perhaps....she is in her late seventies and I am only ( ...cough cough) in my forties. She is German and also lived for a time in South America so she is continually looking for the right word in the right language, struggling between the three that she speaks equally well.


Esther, like me has been given the ...blessing/testing/curse/hardship of terrible health, being assaulted by numerous ailments and painful diseases for most of her life. She recently wrote me a card, which I am going to quote to you here...just as it is written:

Deares Cynthia
One dai both of us will run douwn heavens meadows; holding hand's singing psalms and praises to our Lord. No more pain, no more doubt, no more confusion, no more tears, ore question "just free".
Hold on to that hope, don't get discourage. I think daily of you. Job never found out in His life time wy He had to suffer so much. I love you...Esther
and on the other side she wrote, "I know, i was there and i am there."

I must've read this card twenty times since receiving it the day before yesterday. And every time I read it, I cry. Because the image of me and Esther being able to run through God's meadows is heart-achingly beautiful. I so much long to be able to run...And one might think that a 70+ year old woman would no longer think of running, but I guess they miss it too...especially if they have never really had a chance to do it on earth.

But this is not really my whole point.

I was just reading in Ephesians 4....Verse one talks about walking worthy of our calling, in unity and peace. (today's sermon was on Mt. 5:9 about being peacemakers)...But then, down in verse 20, it starts talking about putting on our new nature now. What does this mean? It struck me as I read it, that we have the choice and the ability to put on the nature that we will wear in heaven NOW by obeying the instructions which follow in that chapter.

Isn't that amazing? We can't put on our heavenly, resurrected bodies now; we can't experience the delights of heaven now; WE CAN EXPERIENCE SOME OF THE INTIMACY WITH JESUS NOW; AND WE CAN ENJOY OUR NEW NATURE NOW...Think how amazing it would be to go to church if everyone had on their heavenly nature there!!! Think about how we would interact with each other and with the world and how serious we would get about our mission on this earth if we had on this nature! Things would change let me tell you...especially in me! Think how things would change in our marriages if we were to have on the nature of Heaven?

Now it's true that, here in this earth, we will face temptation and sometimes failure, because we are still plagued by the curse of sin....But just think, if we got serious about wearing heaven's nature and being CONSCIOUS of it in our daily interactions with people, how different things could be! I don't think any of us fully understand or grasp how all encompassing this change would be. It doesn't just mean "don't tell a deliberate, overt lie" (although, obviously that is included). It means to avoid every kind of deception ...with others and in ourselves.

Tell the truth to yourself...! All the time! And make no effort at all to give others a false impression about things or about yourself!! Let it all hang out baby! But let it hang out with the goal of receiving their forgiveness, help and encouragement in assisting you to continue to refine your heavenly character and to make the necessary changes to do that.

I wonder, what the difference will be between those who have been serious about putting on and refining their heavenly nature now, here on earth, and those who get there, all full of themselves and earthly, saying, "OK, Jesus, Lay it on me!" and expect then to receive a perfect sinless nature. We do know that there is no sin in heaven...but still I also know that God is a God of justice who loves to reward us for obedience. So I think that in terms of whatever kinds of rewards there are in heaven, Person A will be in much better shape than Person B in the above scenario.

But regardless of that.
Just that image of running free in the meadow of God.
We can do that to some degree now.
Put on the nature of heaven now. Run free of those entangling sins.
(For more on running without the entanglement of sin tripping us up; see Hebrews 12)

The NLT says the following:

"...throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life....Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy"

Then follow seven verses of explicit directions is how to accomplish that purpose. Check out Eph. 4 It describes Heaven's character in detail: How the Children of Light live. I'm a child of Light but, honestly, I'm still living like a "son of thunder" as two of Jesus' disciples were described early on in their association with Jesus. (There is also a phrase in scripture, "Sons of Perdition."...Let's hope none of us fall into that one...)

Children of Light live in Unity, and Peace. They speak truthfully out of Love. They don't give anger a place in their lives; they work so that they can give to those in need; Every word out of their mouths is encouraging, beneficial to those who hear and pleasing to God's Spirit; Children of Light are kind, loving, tender-hearted, forgiving, never bitter. Does this sound impossible?

If God tells us to do this; then it's not impossible. He would never tell us to do something simply to watch us fail in frustration. No. It says that we are to do these things "by His Spirit"...the same Spirit that was in Jesus, helping him to obey and live perfectly, is also in His Children. If you are NOT a child of God...If you've never asked the Spirit of Christ to rule your lives; if you've never asked for the blood of Jesus to cleanse you from all of your sin...then yes, this is impossible for you. Don't even try it, you will be frustrated and fail. You are still dominated by the curse of Adam and have no way in you to meet God's requirements. (btw; if you would like to become a child of God or a Child of Light but don't know how, please contact me at cynthialottvogel@gmail.com and I would be glad to help you.)

But for those of you who ARE Children of Light (and you know who you are)...Don't you want to run free in those meadows?? I think we can to some degree, even here. But first we've got to get rid of those shackles so we can dance....and run.

My Brain on Drugs

My bedclothes are in a rumpled pile…my recliner is as tired as my cat is, of my moving from bed to recliner and back every five or ten minutes. It is 2:45 and it feels like I’ve been here struggling for DAYS instead of a few hours. Poor Mayo, every time she gets into a somewhat comfy spot (lucky her), I either have to move her because she is laying on a spot on me that is screaming in protest, or I need to get up and try an altogether different venue for sleeping…Or else I need to go and take a few more pain pills. I’ve taken 40 mg of oxycontin thus far with very little and very reluctant relief.

Just yesterday, I’d felt pretty good; even thought of putting off the surgery. I went to town to one store without my cane…(thought I was hot stuff, huh? Instead of a little old lady…. ) Then I went to bed at 9:30 completely obliterated by exhaustion. And then it hit. Oh Lord in heaven, did it hit. Like a tsunami. I kept struggling to only moan and not to scream…but sometimes even failed at that. I didn’t want to waken or keep Eric awake in his nearby room…but I’m sure my attempts were futile. He was kind enough to not complain. (Must’ve been those peanut butter cookies I baked for him todaythat made him so congenial!)

Actually, a word here. I should not bad mouth Eric or paint him in such a negative light. We’ve been getting along and I have some hopes for a turn for the better in our relationship. I think it’s because I’ve been doing better since I got onto this medicine combination. I’ve been feeling more like a human: less drugged out and have had much less of the negative symptoms than I used to have. In fact, if I didn’t feel so badly physically, I probably would have no trouble doing thing like keeping the house cleaned. I even have had a return of emotions…crying , too frequently for my liking–but appropriately; laughed a belly laugh at something funny that Eric said…even he noted that with appreciation. Eric has begun to entrust me with making business calls and with his list of duties that he gives me before leaving for work…things that he cannot do because he’s been working 13 hour days all week. In fact I am a bit frightened by the amount that he is leaving in my hands…especially regarding the impending surgery. I am getting packet after packet in the mail and numerous forms and booklets about things I need to do and take care of prior to the surgery from the hospital..and am feeling panicked by it all. I’m certain that there are major things that I’m failing to do and that when I show up for surgery, they will say, “sorry we cannot do it today” because I messed up on something I was supposed to do.

I think Eric is forgetting a bit that I’m sz (or at least he’s wanting/trying to) and is giving me a bit too much credit for being able to handle all the details like that. The mere fact of my terrible lack of short term memory, makes for a struggle in doing business matters.

My, this has been a rambling post, hasn’t it? There you have it: my brain on drugs.

Anyway…it’s now 4:30…my pain has calmed down a bit and I’m HUNGRY, but there’s not a thing in the houes to eat and it’s too early to clank around making oatmeal…ahhhh yes: PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES….hehe.

Thanks for keeping me company throughout this very miserable night….Now I have a headache for my efforts (and probably from the oxycontin)…but at least I don’t need to scream in pain…Have a good day peeps!

all things NEW

RELAX,
You are still at the same old blog, written by the same old me, but with yet ANOTHER new look. I get visually bored really easily and tend to change things around often...gravatars, layouts, photos, etc....I hope I don't keep you in a state of confusion or in one of insecurity for those of you who still have a blankie that you MUST sleep with :)

Change.
Yeah, there's a topic I could expand on. But don't worry: I won't.

Well, right now I'm sitting in my brand new recliner (thank you mom and dad) in my room which is for the first time in ...... well, let's just say a LONG time....clean. (thank you Mary Sue). Why all of this change?

On the 25th of this month I am going in for the first of several major surgeries as I am having two total hip replacements done. (not at the same time, due to complications with my asthma)...










I LIVE in my recliner. Because I don't leave my room much, because most other chairs hurt me, because even my hospital bed in my room here is too uncomfortable for me to sleep all night in...I am in my recliner a LOT. And my old faithful one, finally said, OK< enough all ready...and bit the dust. Last Friday, my parents took me out "somewhere".....and then told me once we were "There" that they were going to buy me a new recliner but I had to come to try it on for size.

wow

very cool

Then my friend Mary Sue (any one need an OR nurse with 25 years of experience??? She just got laid off....) ...in her new free time, offered to come and help me to transport stuff from my downstairs bedroom to my newer quarters upstairs. And to clean out the upstairs mess to make room for the necessary items coming up from downstairs. So that is why my room is clean.

NOT ONLY THAT....but I am in the process of getting a new electric hospital bed to replace the clunker I have and a brand new BIPAP machine as well. Let's hear it for insurance! I figured that I should get these needs addressed before my insurance company gets o'BOMBanized and while I have the "excuse" of my two surgeries.

So, I am not sure yet whether I will go to the Rehab hospital associated with my hospital for a week or so, after I get done with my week in the hospital following my surgery...or whether I will go to a nursing home for a bit til I can manage the six steps into my house.

THEN: (drum roll, please) my daughter is coming for her promised two weeks of assisting me and keeping me company. Yes , this is the long lost daughter who recently left for other quarters. I will be very very happy to see her....Almost worth getting cut open and my leg chopped off for.
hehe, nothing like saying it with drama.

Well, I've been keeping this post light, focused on the positive...I'm sure you get tired of hearing of tears and madness.....Even though there are still plenty of each around here...I decided to you a break. Enjoy!