Friday, April 30, 2010

Delete It? Or Persevere in Spite of it??



I'm listening to Crystal Lewis belting out "How Great Thou Art!" SING IT CRYSTAL!! She has all the air and voice that I no longer do, so I rely on her to sing it for me.

I had a bad night.

I'd described it in another post but then decided that it was bad enough to live through once, why relive it? And why subject you to it also?? So I pushed the handy-dandy delete button and it was gone into cyber-eternity. Don't you wish you had one of those "Delete" buttons in your real life?

Bad memories? Delete.
Difficult relationship? Delete.
Pain? Delete.

Ever so much handier than Staples' "Easy Button"...because if you ask me, there is very little in life that qualifies as easy! Problem is, we would end up with very short lives!! At least, I would...because a large amount of it would have been deleted!

So what are the other options?
  • Well, for one, we could WHINE...and this is, I confess, a huge temptation for me...It is not always that I complain about my pain or my difficulties; I just TALK ABOUT THEM way too much! And that can get old very fast....both to me and to anyone who knows me.

  • The other thing we could do is to delete them from our own memories...Escape...via, drugs, alcohol, avoidance, dissociation, etc... This option has its own obvious problems, but unfortunately, many people choose it.

  • There is also another means of running from the hard things in our life...and that is false optimism...You know the type: bubbly, vivacious, effervescent (all nice words actually, but this type of person makes me a bit nauseous)...

  • And there is another option...and this is one I cling to and choose...Unfortunately it is not always my knee-jerk reaction, because I'm a fallen human; and out pop whiny little articles like the one I just deleted... But the best option by far is to admit realistically that the situation is difficult (it may just plain SUCK), but to also acknowledge God's wisdom, sovereignty and his Goodness. That means in English: God knows what he's doing; he has the right to do it because frankly: HE'S GOD, and best of all though, all of his actions are rooted in his love for us ad his desire to see us benefit. It may not be until Eternity. It may hurt a heck of a lot here on this earth. But you know what? I think it's better than Satan's plan.

Satan's plans look something like this: He may give you a quick, cheap thrill just to sucker you in...but that really quickly turns to pain...sadness...meaninglessness,...and pointless suffering. You know why? Because just as God is good and has a wonderful plan for your life...Satan is evil and wants nothing more than to see you destroyed in the worst way imaginable.

So it's really a very clear choice if you look at it with clarity and refuse to be fooled by the subterfuge of the evil one....

Rev 3:10-11 "Because you have obeyed my command to persevere, I will protect you from the great time of testing that will come upon the whole world to test those who belong to this world.
Look, I am coming quickly. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take away your crown."
.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Unhinged

Coming unhinged:

Fear: intense; believable. And totally my own –

I scare you? Then hang tight that stone…

Your fragile home can come crashing down,

No one is immune!

Thoughts that all ears can hear….

Of threats, violence, pitiless jeers

Voices; with whom to converse –

Then the question “Why were you talking to yourself?”

Finding, once the pieces again are one,

That some inexplicable things were done.

( They were not odd— just insane)

Although unrecalled; I’m the one they blame.

The fear on the faces I must

Mistrust

Suspicion

Exhaustion

Stealing the control when I had none.


This poem is the property of the writer and all rights of reproduction are reserved by Cynthia Lott Vogel.

Please contact her should you wish to copy or quote it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

update

To avoid any undue panic, I just got "word" that my husband was merely having a bad day yesterday and is not planning on leaving me...That is good to know; but the roller coaster is tough. He must feel the same way with my health.

Re: the other worries, They are in God's hands as am I, so no fears there either.
Have a Week filled with Shalom from Adonai.

He's Here; He Hears

It has been a long night. Today, my husband told me that he plans to file for a divorce, take the house etc...and put me into some kind of state institution. Then we got home to a piece of mail which warned that we are in jeopardy of losing our house...
Our daughter is gone (GOOD FOR HER!!)
My friend is gone.
...My house and husband may be gone.
........My Future and dreams may be gone.

............But my Jesus is not gone. There fore my hope cannot be gone. My home in heaven cannot be gone. My integrity will not be gone; (please God, I need help with that one)........
My worship is not gone....no one can take that but my own choice.

See? I have a lot.
Naked I came into the earth and naked I shall depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

People laugh at Job's naivete and foolishness for those statements....but they are very wise. He knew that All things Belong to God! We cannot tell Him what we want to keep and what He can take. The only things left to us in the end are our faith in the Lord Jehovah; our integrity and our ability to worship.

So when you are "losing it" in whatever way that may be; cling fast to the Rock that is higher than we are; and t0 the knowledge of the reality of our Father who loves us so very much. He has His reasons and someday we'll have the joy of hearing about them.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Hear my cry, oh Adonai

Well, it's been a week, so you would think that things have gotten easier, right? Like I still wouldn't shush my husband when we are speaking loudly near my daughter's closed door...as if we might wake her.
Like I wouldn't jump out of bed and sign onto YM and wait.....for what? for whom? Sometimes I am graced by a few minutes from my daughter (but not at that hour), or I talk to my friend in the Philippines, which is sometimes made difficult by the 12 hour time difference,... but Hey, if you don't sleep at night, it works out fine ...

I am afraid to tell you of the events of the past couple of days. I am ashamed and somewhat confused by them.
My physical pain has been horrific. Sometimes requiring repeats of the oxycontin which the MDs have prescribed to control it. And sometimes even that doesn't work.
Evidently the other night, while conversing online with my daughter, I was in brutal pain and took some medicine. Waited and it went unabated...took some more...I'm not sure what happened at this point. I have a vague, foggy memory of pouring out a small handfull of the pills and thinking "what the heck?" and swallowing them....
My pain got a little better, I said good night to my daughter and went to bed...Woke up the next morning and readied myself for a trip to my md to discuss the recent sleep study I had.
Well, in the car on the way there, those pills finally hit. I began to talk nonsense, fall over side ways, and drop everything in my hands.

My ride, poor lady, was terrified and drove with one hand, holding me upright with the other. We somehow got into the doctor's office where they took one look at me and took me right in. Then I don't remember anything else...But 911 was called. and in the ambulance I was filled up with Narcan which woke me a little but I was vehement in my protest that I'd taken nothing...that day...and I didn't remember then about taking it the night before. My daughter reminded me of that later.

So a day or two in the hospital...all lost in a great fog. Came home and spent the next two days still in a fog and sleeping. Now am awake enough again to be embarrassed, chagrined, and disappointed. And awake enough now to feel all the pain of my losses as though they were brand new.

My thinking? Still having some hallucinations...voices ....various things fleeting by my sights...today I am going to the mall with my husband and he is leaving me there for several hours while he goes back to do some work. I haven't yet told him that I am not very optimistic about this idea. Pain and paranoia do not make good bedfellows in crowded malls. But I don't want to stay at home in this lonely empty house either.

"Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry, 'my Adonia'....Oh my Adonai."
Where are you Lord? I know you're here, but I could really do with some reassurance on that point.

Monday, April 19, 2010

uh oh; not now!!

This is going to be cryptic; either that or one long sentence...having trouble with organizing my thoughts today. Let's try for cryptic:
Daughter's still gone; most likely not coming back....
Husband cannot accept this; won't...He is grieving in a horrific way.
me?
I'm too busy chasing down the men who are stomping around on my porch in the middle of the night; turning off my electricity and gunning car engines and pealing out of my driveway as they escape. Last night I called 911; yeah. I know.
What I would like to know is this: I am wearing my Mp3 headphones 24/7 cranked at FULL volume on some very noisy music. How IS it that I can still hear their voices and footsteps....AHHH there's my first clue.

So now what is my means of dealing ? Well, isn't it obvious? Shut all the blinds, lock all the doors; go into my room; lock that door too. hide under the bed-covers with my music on and my sweatshirt hood pulled all the way over my eyes...all to hide from these specters, demons; apparitions...whatever you want to call it. I figure that babies have it right: If I can't see YOU, then YOU can't see me.
OKay, that approach was not successful because then, my chair began to swell and pulse under me and the panic reached epic proportions. When all else fails: do what you're supposed to do right?
So I called the psychiatrist; all of my psych meds are maxed out...no where to go. So she is trying to go after the demons with an antianxiety drug which can calm me and also work in conjunction with the other meds and make them more effective. This disturbs me somewhat..yeah calm sounds nice...but if I let my guard down, if I fall asleep they'll have the upper hand in no time and then what? OK, I think you get the general idea of what is going on here.
My biggest concern is my husband's guaranteed response to this new stress in a world where the stress monitor has already blown the roof off. He will freak out. Worry constantly. won't let me out of his sight until the moment he signs the papers that the admissions dept hands him...yeah.
Let's hope that this is truly a response to the unbelievable grief I've experienced for the past week and that it will go away. Soon. Like NOW. My daughter was right to flee this nut house. But I do miss her horribly.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Week to try to Forget

I apologize for the silence. We've been going through some great struggles here. Firstly, my friend from the internet with whom I spoke daily for many hours for the past three years, died this week. That loss was as painful and as profound as would be the loss of all of my limbs. And I hadn't even gotten done processing it when my daughter (one month shy of aged 18) decided to leave home. The actual story is long and complex...and I'm tired of thinking about it and relating it to those who need to know...so I will not go into details.

I am thankful that, thus far, she has maintained cell phone and internet contact...but our hearts are completely broken.
The house this morning has the feeling of death; of unbearable pain and loss. There was deception and dishonesty so the pain of broken and destroyed trust is also stabbing at us.

I don't know what it is about . I really can't write my story in a book because people would throw it aside and say, "This is unbelievable crap...Who would believe this kind of nonsense could actually happen in one lifetime?..." But it can; and it did; and I was chosen for the privilege.

Please pray for us. For Eric, my husband...and Alexa, my daughter. ...And if you have some breath left; for me because I could really use it.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

God's Treasure

When I chat with people online at some chat sites for people with schizophrenia, and when I read their posts on the forums at Schizophrenia.com...there is sometimes a sense of desire that I  see. It is a desire to be "normal" and to be able to succeed in some of the ways that we can see the "normies" around us succeeding. Sometimes I feel like this; that the world is full of treasures, which I simply do not have access to. For me, this sense is accentuated by my physical pain and disability.

I also think of the billions of people across the globe living in abject poverty with their eyes fixed on the treasures owned by the fortunate few who live in wealth -- even the "wealth" that very average people in this country possess -- and it is desired and longed for by these starving masses...Our wealth is beyond their reach and beyond their dreams.

In Isaiah 45:1-3, Scripture calls Cyrus, “God's anointed”, despite the fact that he was a foreign king in a country that enslaved Israel and not a follower of the God of Israel. This was because God put on his heart a task that was birthed in the depths of God's desires for His people. Anyone who is motivated to do the work of God in response to a call from God can be considered God’s anointed. And what does God promise to those who respond to His call, despite the fact that what God has initiated looks difficult and maybe even impossible? When God wants to do something, HE will get it done; it doesn’t rely on our power, merely on our obedience.

In these verses we see that God promised to miraculously exert His power to accomplish things that, in man’s strength alone, were impossible, NOT only to get the work done, but to testify in undeniable terms, that the God of Israel is the one, true God, not the false gods of Persia that Cyrus worshiped.

And to the obedient ones who respond to His call, He will give the hoarded up treasures of the enemy; He will bring treasure up out of the dark where it was hidden and not anticipated. How many times has this been the case in my life?? God prompted me to do something for Him, something frightening and hard that I really didn’t want to do. But (sometimes) I obeyed. And when I did, miracles began to happen: things that spoke to me and to others around who were watching, of the truth and power of our God. And always, always there was unanticipated treasure in it for me…I always received, not only the power and ability to carry out the task, but rewards as well.

God put it on my heart to begin to share through my writing, some of my past experiences with mental illness. I did not want to…I wanted to bury those horrible memories down deep and forget about them…and I CERTAINLY didn’t want others to hear about them. But I began to share, and to “come out of the closet” about my mental illness. Although hiding it is still a tendency that I have to struggle with, I’ve begun to be more open about my story with others.

God has given me the words to do this (and believe me, I can write—but in speaking I am often tongue-tied in embarrassment), He has provided the courage, He has provided the topics for this blog…and He has provided the readers…maybe not thousands of them, but every one of them who has contacted me and shared their story has been a HUGE blessing and reward to me. A reward that was unanticipated. An unlikely reward…from a loving God.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Treasures of Darkness


This article was written and is copyrighted--

Please do not reproduce with out the author’s permission


The article explains the meaning of this phrase which I have selected to entitle my blog.


Thus says the LORD to Cyrus His anointed,

Whom I have taken by the right hand,

To subdue nations before him

And to loose the loins of kings;

To open doors before him so that gates will not be shut:

"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;

I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.

"I will give you the treasures of darkness

And hidden wealth of secret places,

So that you may know that it is I,

The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:1-3



This passage is the announcement to Cyrus by the Lord, that he has been called by God to do great things. This announcement states that Cyrus is to accomplish things on Lord’s behalf, to act as His anointed one, called to do God's work here on earth and that God would go before him and empower him to do things that, without His help, would otherwise be impossible. God promises things such to Cyrus as cutting through iron bars as though they were butter and smashing barricades made of bronze. God makes the impossible happen and the difficult easy. And the benefit to Cyrus, King of Persia was that God granted him “treasures of darkness and the wealth of secret places.” While these phrases are beautifully poetic and intriguing…the center column in my NASB Bible gives this alternative wording to the phrase, “Treasures of Darkness”… It calls it “hoarded treasure.” This immediately clears up some of the mystery--and the confusion--that the phrase elicits.


Evidently, in the acquisition of new nations, the overcomers between warring nations became the new owner of all of the hoarded, treasured riches of these conquered countries. . All of the collected tax money from their peoples became the conquerors as well. Now while some of the mystery is eliminated from this phrase, the beauty of the concept glistens with new meaning as we now can understand what God was saying to Cyrus in this prophecy. And because, as is usually the case in Old Testament prophecies: the fulfillment would take place then in their lifetime, later in the lives of God’s people, and sometimes also in the last days on earth as Israel begins to live out her true role in history and in the world’s eyes.


So what does this prophecy mean to us NOW as God’s people?

God is stating benefits here to us as individuals that we also can claim, because the New Testament states that we all have a calling before God. These callings are general and apply to all of God’s Children…they basically come with the package…and they are specific and apply to us on an individual basis. God has called you. He has called me. And these calling are to accomplish specific tasks and to live out and to use individual gifts that He’s given us for the benefit of His Kingdom.


So now, we should begin to overcome our disappointment that arose as the mystery was lifted once we understood these poetic phrases….because they mean something WONDERFUL to you and to me. They mean that God has promised us that one day, all of the riches of creation which Satan has stolen from God, will be returned. Not only returned to God, but returned to YOU and to ME. We will inherit positions of rulership and ownership in the New Earth. And if you’ve ever felt cheated because, as you look around, you see that frequently the most evil people have the greatest wealth… in this passage, God promises that one day this will not be the case. What once belonged to us as God’s children, will be returned to us…and more than that also. Paul says that the good things which await us will be pressed down, packed down, and running over…


And does this passage have any relevance to our lives now? I think it definitely does. I believe God is saying that He is bigger and stronger than any difficulty that we face; that He is holding us by the hand and faces these difficulties with us; and also that anything that is binding us, holding us back and keeping us from being effective in our lives,are things that can be overcome in His mighty power…This includes things like bad relationships; emotional and physical disabilities; habits that we cannot overcome;...anything that keeps us from being all that we should be in Christ will one day be removed under this promise.


Why will God do these things?? So that we are free to fulfill the calling which He has bestowed upon us as His children. God has a special thing that He wants you to do in your life…it is a job which only you can do and for which God has specially gifted and equipped you. But the enemy of your soul has a goal too. And that is to keep you from carrying out that which God wants you to do. And he will try to bind you …with habits and addictions, with mental and emotional “baggage” and bondage, with circumstantial difficulty and opposition, with sickness and physical weakness. And on and on it can go. But here, God promise that, no matter what Satan comes up with to throw at you, God is stronger and He will see to it that you are equipped and able to accomplish that which He’s given you to do…


AND HERE’S THE GOOD PART: for your trouble, you will receive the rewards and treasures which Satan was hoping to hoard for himself. Long ago, Satan was in a position of power in God’s Kingdom…and therefore, he was also in a position of intimacy with the Almighty God….and I believe that this position is wonderful and desirable for anyone who happens to experience it. Satan lost that position. He is now an enemy of God and he knows that there is no going back for him because Angels do not experience the benefits of redemption that God has provided for mankind. So Satan once treasured this, he lost it. And now he hates you and I because he knows that we have it and eventually will experience the full power and delight of what he once enjoyed.


This is the TREASURE OF DARKNESS. It is the treasure that the enemies of God once had, that will be given over to the beloved of God whom He has called to receive it.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Rest before Change


So, Easter is over...The argument I had with my husband on Saturday is "over," the sleep study that I had on Friday is over...and all the excitement of this past weekend has me feeling off base and needing to just sit quietly at home for a day or two to regain my bearings. When a person never leaves home, that much excitement is disconcerting.

So quiet descends once more...even so, there is much going on in the background; Undercurrents which contain much to think about. Sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand; forget all I know and the truth that compels action, and change nothing. But life never lets us do that, does it? Circumstances change and demand the same response in us. God perfects us and if we refuse to change and cling to old habits and sins, we do not grow.

To resist change is to resist growth. Even the season of age and death cannot be resisted. Should a flower refuse to wither and die, those seeds it contains would never be sown and new growth would never come after it. So too in us, we must yield to small deaths before growth can follow.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

So What Exactly IS Easter About?

I am feeling a bit sad this Easter. Not because of the solemnity of the death of Jesus but because Good Friday passed without much of a thought from me....I was in the hospital last night having another sleep study...so there was no church service or any time for uninterrupted prayer or deep thought. My family is not getting together in any way for a meal, nor are we going out. Instead, it will be just another day for us....marked only by an Easter basket for my 18 year old daughter, who doesn't care much about the REAL Easter; and a church service for me in the morning.

But none of this really is hitting the nail on the head which will describe the real reason for my sadness....this is all peripheral stuff. My real sadness is because of the detachment of my heart around the real meaning of Easter. It is not about Easter bunnies or baskets, or anything like that...but everyone really kind of knows that....So then, what IS it about? What SHOULD it mean to us, especially to those living in the kingdom of Christ? Is it about dying to ourselves? Is it about service to others as I've heard another blogger suggest?

I think that these things are the RESULT of the REAL effect that the resurrection has made on us. The Bible says, "Christ died, so that we might LIVE,... and walk in the newness of life." Yes, it was a happy event for the friends of Jesus, when they saw him alive again after his crucifixion. Yes it is great that he overcame the power of death. But really, why is it so happy for us?...other than it being the happy ending to a sad story?

It's because it was NOT the end of the story. Because of Christ giving his life, the power of death and sin was broken; the curse was lifted; man was made a habitation that the Spirit of God could dwell in after Christ ascended forty days later; we are no longer compelled to sin and if we do, we do not have to offer blood sacrifices anymore, to pay for our sin; and best of all: We are invited to be members of Christ's Kingdom which invitation is extended for a limited time only and will take us into a Kingdom that will NEVER end and in which death has no power and sin does not exist AT ALL.

This is not some, floating-on-a-cloud-strumming-a-harp kingdom. It is not even a worship service that will last forever. It is a tangible place, where we will join all the members of the Kingdom who have died before us. We live live, have government, work at things we love and always wanted to do on earth....have second chances at every opportunity that we passed by in our first lifetime; time to spend trying out all of the exciting things that we were too afraid to do or were not healthy enough to do on earth....time to develop our talents and interests...which will be the same ones we have on earth most likely, because we will still be US, just no longer tempted by sin and no longer facing death or illness of any kind.

And EASTER MEANS THAT WE ALL ARE INVITED TO GO THERE.

Will all of us go there? No--because some will reject this invitation, clinging to other philosophies and other religions which do not offer what the blood of Christ accomplished for those of us.

And what does Easter and the Resurrection mean to the members of God's Kingdom while they are still on this earth?

It means that we are inhabited by the Spirit of God; with whom we can communicate; from whom we can receive power and special gifts; and who gives us the ability to have wisdom if we listen to what he says. And he also will help us to defeat the temptations that still beset us on this earth. This is where that "newness of life" comes in. Life is not the same thing for a member of God's Kingdom as it is for all others. At least it doesn't have to be; should NOT be. It is more joyful; more powerful; wiser; more hopeful.

And this is sort of why I have been feeling sad. I have not been living in the reality of this in the past few weeks. Yes, I am still a member of the Kingdom, but I have not been expending the benefits that come with it and so have been pulled down a bit into the sad depths of the darkness that surrounds me. And the reality of this New Life has been pushed to the background. And that's a sad thing. If you've ever lived in this reality; you will ALWAYS desire it to be fully effective in your life, because it is a wonderful thing. So maybe this Resurrection Day will bring with it, a new surge of life and God's power in my life. I really hope so.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Would you CHOOSE to Suffer?

Have you ever had an enemy? Someone who really hated you and tried to do you wrong? Have you ever prayed in frustration that God would just "take him/her out"? David was faced with that situation and temptation when his enemy, King Saul, was pursuing him and trying to take his life. And David was so close to God that I believe, had he prayed this, God might have done it...But David was wiser than that. In Psalm 59 which was written when David was on his first flight from Saul, David asks God to remove His mercy from Saul's life, but adds the request that God not immediately kill him.

Instead, David wants to make a lesson out of Saul's life. An example for all of mankind to see. And a few verses later, David discloses his reason for making this request of God. He wants Saul to be destroyed by his own pride and hatred so that all of history can see this and learn from it. And a verse or two later, he reveals the reason he desires this. It is not for his own personal satisfaction, or so that he can gloat over Saul's misery but rather, it is that David desires Glory to be gained for God so people can see why God has commanded us to obey him and to be humble rather than proud. He wants Saul's own pride and arrogance to cause his destruction.

What did this mean in David's life? Well, rather than having the satisfaction of seeing God eliminate Saul in some immediate and dramatic manner, David chose to be on the run for years: persecuted, frightened, hungry while Saul did his best to kill him and was made a fool of time after time by David's cunning and God's protection of David. David chose this so that all of history would see, learn, and remember that God commands what He does for a reason.

This story struck me. And as my mind has been turning it over this morning, I see that it also applies to my situation. I don't have a person who is my enemy chasing me. Rather, my enemy has been poor health: both physical and mental.

People have prayed over me numerous times asking God to heal me; DEMANDING that God heal me; INSISTING that God owes me healing. And I have not really agreed in my heart with those prayers. Yes, I would truly like to be healthy in body and mind and live a normal life, but my heart has always wanted, more than it wants health, to let God work His will in me WHATEVER THAT MAY BE AND WHERE EVER IT TAKES ME. If He can use me in some greater manner for His glory with me being sick and homebound, then I am willing to do that.

I'm not in any way, shape, or form claiming to be as godly as David! I know I'm not. But in this one case, I can understand how David felt. And I think God provides us the strength and the grace we need to carry out our callings before Him. This morning, as I read of David's and sacrifice to God's glory, I thought to myself, "Wow, I couldn't do that: live in caves and in the desert all those years on the run." But God didn't call me to that. And I am sure that the active leader, David, could not have ever sat sick in his house for years on end either. He was not designed for that, as I was not designed to be on the run. Yes, what God calls us to do; He enables us to do, if our desire is to do it for His glory.