Fair or Not? --A Look at God's Justice

I was talking to a very close friend in the Philippines at about 3:00 a.m. today. We've never actually met in person but over the past two years have chatted almost daily; exchanged gifts via snail mail; and encouraged one another in our faith and daily struggles. It is one of my greatest wishes to meet her in person and I look forward to the time when I know we will meet; either on this earth or in God's kingdom.

She's taught me a lot. Mostly, about the struggles that most of the world live with on a daily basis: poverty, illness which they are powerless to treat due to lack of available funds and care options, "sub-standard" housing, violence and natural disasters in their countries, the suffering they undergo for their faith--and more than all of these: gratitude for what they DO have. Despite all of these daily problems; despite the deaths of almost all of her close family members in the past two years; despite her own serious illnesses and those of her children; despite her husband's infidelity and, later, desertion; despite his destroying her reputation in their town--she continues to praise and thank God and is amazingly thankful for His every gift to her.

I thought about some of the non-believers I know who regularly accuse God of injustice, even cruelty and sadism,despite the fact that they live in warm homes, with adequate income and the many blessings that come with living in the USA. What makes the difference between these two groups of people? I believe it is several things. One is that the people living in the midst of huge difficulty and suffering have come to really seek out God and to learn to know Him as He really is. They have to. They desperately rely on Him for everything and for meaning in this difficult, suffering-strewn life.

Another factor is that of gratitude. Let's face it: spoiled children do not appreciate gifts the way those who struggle do! This life of hardship opens the eyes of God's children to be thankful for each and every small benefit, as well as the large ones. I do not believe that God inflicts pain on us in order to get some gratitude out of us; but it may well be that He allows the enemy a bit more room to attack us in order for us to get to know Him better. I believe that this was His method in dealing with Job, in Scriptures, among other reasons, such as teaching all heaven and hell a lesson about Himself and those who are faithful to Him.

And fourthly, those who are in need will rely on Him more and live with a continual awareness of their dependance on the Father for survival and provision and for Life itself. This does not fulfill some ego-manaical need on the part of God; but it is rather, an opening of His childrens' eyes to see things as they really are--and when we do that, a whole world of blessing and relationship opens up to us as we learn to relate in the realm of what is true and real with our Lord.

I have found all of these factors to be true in my own life as I have struggled with a host of difficulties that leaves most people who know me shaking their heads in disbelief. Yet as I mentioned in an earlier post, I would not trade my life for another. I believe that I've come to know my Father in a way that many are not privileged to know Him...and it is this very level of suffering that has permitted my intimacy with Him! And I know, that because God IS just and loving and good, that, in the end, we will be more than "paid back" in good things for all the heartache and hardship we have suffered here in this life!

Healer

Have to share a new "healer" video...This is Graycn DenBesten singing with Kari Jobe...This young girl was waiting for a heart transplant when she sang "Healer" with Kari... She received her new heart in April of 2009. Never mind a remarkable story; but a beautiful voice and courage to boot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LbbS4KxZss

More about Gracyn DenBesten can be found at http://www.blogger.com/www.shinevision.com..

...Oh, and Yes, I'm done whining about being sick!

No Fair??

Okay, so I am getting sick...achy, head throbbing, coughing my head off with this terrible wheezing cough.... My daughter and husband have already said their (sarcastic but still serious) "goodbye"s...and prodicted that I will spend this Christmas in the hospital.

I'm so tempted to yell to the heavens, "IT"S NOT FAIR!!"....but I just re-read this morning's blog entry...and my goal was NOT to stay out of the hospital...buta to take from God's hands whatever comes and to look for something for which to be grateful.

Okay.

Grateful.......

Ummmm...thinking......

Okay: got it. I'm grateful that I'm not homeless and sitting on the sidewalk feeling this sick.

The Challenges of the Season

Sometimes, to me, the holidays are more like hurdles than something to look fward to; personal challlenges to survive and overcome. It's sort of like a dare: let's see if you can get through this wiathout going into the hospital and without crashing and burning, either physicially or emotionally! And often I fail at those challenges. Either I'm so exhausted from the work and preparations that I get sick and have to be hospitalized for asthma or pneumonia; or else my mental illness rears its ugly head and either leaves me psychotic or depressed beyond functioning. More often though, of late, it just becomes a matter of expectations which I've inadvertently set me for myself and my family (PLEASE: let's just have a NICE DAY!) and due to one thing or another, they fail to get met, and sadness or anger ensues as a result.

My Thanksgiving was sort of like that last scenario. I was DETERMINED; really determined, to make a nice day out of it...despite the fact that it was one year to the day since my father in law had died and my husband is struggling with that as well as with some other stresses and is exhausted beyond words. Despite the fact that my daughter is in the midst of her own struggles. Despite the fact that my own respiratory health is pretty precarious since I've gotten home from the hospital and is really limiting what I can do...and despite the fact that we were going out for sushi and a movie rather than celebrating in a traditional manner. And I ALMOST succeeded....

The day had its ups and downs emotionally and relationally...the meal itself was enjoyable...but there were a bunch of tensions which emerged at other times...and when I got home that night; I was spent. Drained emotionally and physically. And very much felt like crying.

If only I could learn to just go for the ride; take it for what it is without having any anticipation or preconception of what it SHOULD be like. If only I didn't feel obligated to put up a tree and decorations--then I wouldn't be so disappointed with myself that I just CAN'T manage to do it strength or breath-wise. If only I could approach the days without anticipating that cinnamon and gingerbread-scented scenario that my childhood calls up for me...a role model that I feel an OBLIGATION to emulate. Baking; preparation; gift giving; HAPPINESS;....you get the picture.

Part of the problem is that I know that on some level my daughter would like all of that; and has her own expectations....which she has carefully stifled and buried into a sea of obdurate resignation....and I so much wish I could fulfill every hidden wish that she has! I know that her greatest wish though is just that I will BE HERE and be in my right mind for the holiday. So maybe I need to spend more time and energy guarding that possibility instead of trying to meet all the ancillary ones and then blowing the big one!!

Expectations are killers. And yet they are much of which the holidays are comprised. And I think that they are also the reason that depression and sadness and lonliness are so rampant in this season. I'm going to really try to just take it as it comes; to have one goal and one goal only and to take steps to guard that goal...and to try to let go of all the others.

My goal?
To take from the hand of God whatever comes this holiday and to maintain a thankful heart for the blessings I can find in it. Yeah, I know 'Thanksgiving' is over...but thankfulness never goes out of style.

Contrast

Just a quick memory to share with you:

The year was probably 1982...It was the Thanksgiving after I'd had to leave college due to the onset of my mental illness....I'd just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital where I'd spent six months following my first suicide attempt. Although I'd improved briefly following that time in the hospital; my mind and emotions were still locked in a death grip of despair and confusion.

I'd been living in a room in the home of my former youth minister and his wife along with my little black Lab puppy, Amanda... I was working as a legal secretary for a lawyor friend. It was right around Thanksgiving when my mind once more took a hike from the normal path and I'd had what is called a "fugue state"...I left my therapy session (during a lunch break from work) and then walked in an icy rain...for miles and miles...and ended up in the bar of a hotel in an adjacent state from the one where I lived. I still don't remember that walk...but I remember finding myself, drenched, freezing and confused in that lobby, having no idea how I got there.

Once I got back home, I went up to my room, and emptied out a bottle of sleeping pills, having removed the powder from the capsules and swallowed the whole bottle of medicine. I narrowly escaped Death that night...It was only God's hand of intervention; medical rescusitation and a respirator which made that possible. But it was back to the psych hospital for me; after being out only a few months.

All I remember of that Thanksgiving Day, is being in a very bleak County Mental Health facility...and for my Thanksgiving dinner, eating only a slice of white bread, not able to choke down anything more...Complete barrenness of heart, soul, and mind. Complete desperation and loss of all hope...Never mind having any gratitude. I spent my birthday, Christmas and New Year's there also Those were just the first of many years of being hospitalized for those holidays.

The contrast of that day and this one strikes me now as I sit in my own home, dressed and ready to go out to a restaurant with my husband of 20 years and my 17 year old daughter. My life has been hard: an uphill climb...but I thank GOD that it has been UPHILL, because that means that I am no longer in that pit! I'm now on a higher plane: a place where I can survey the valleys around me; those places where I once inhabited, knowing that I will still have to travel through more of them, but having the joy of knowing that the struggle will lead only to places closer to heaven.

I thank my God for the hardship and pain of my life; because without those black moments the diamonds of NOW could not sparkle quite so brightly.

I thank my God for teaching me all that He has; and I can only say that I am sorry to have resisted learning and understanding for so long.

I thank my God for all of you and for my church family...and for ....on and on...I'd better stop or I'll never stop....

Is Thanksgiving ever Redundant??

It's Thanksgiving morning, and I am, for the first time in a while, sitting down to write a post; having nothing pressing in my mind about which to write. I think that the "obvious topic" is Thanksgiving but for a moment struggled with feeling silly about writing on a topic about which EVERYONE and EVERYTHING seems to have focused for the past two weeks or so. I got to thinking about that. Is there ever such a thing as "too much gratitude"?

Well, I think that there is certainly such a thing as too much insincerity; too much shallow praise; too many empty compliments all offered out of some sense of obligation...But no, I don't think that it is ever wrong to try to incorporate a continual awareness of our dependence on Providence (ie: God); a knowledge of our complete helplessness in the grand scheme of things; and a heart that rejoices in the goodness of said Providence to grant us all that He does, indeed, give us.

Throughout Scripture, God continually reiterates to His people their need to REMEMBER all that He has historically and constantly done for and given them. What does this recollection and Mindful awareness do for us?

1. It reminds of of how much we are loved...(Can there ever be too much of that???)
2. It gives us a sense of security and removes our fear.
3. And at the same time, it spawns an awareness in us of our great need to keep things "right" between us and the Power that keeps, protects, provides for, and loves us.
4. And finally, it removes from us that bitterness that is so rampant in today's society of "things not being fair;" that angry "what's in it for me?;" that accusation that shakes our fist in God's face and demands that He act differently than He does.

And no, I don't think there can ever be too much of the consequences of all of the above. A joyful heart. A sense of security. A heart which knows it is loved and which responds with love in return....

I think that many people, because they do not know from whence their blessings come, can try too hard to come across as being thankful...and that's when it can wear thin and sound insincere. Not that it is ever wrong to try to be grateful, but if it is an aimless gratitude; a random shot in the dark and I think it is limited in its usefulness. That's when Thanksgiving becomes about eating turkey, gathering with relatives, and eating too many desserts...and Christmas becomes about seeing how much "stuff" we can give and get and decorating our houses. This is the breeding ground for the cynicism and bitter lonely emptiness that too often marks the Holiday season in our world. Gifts without a Giver just lack something that is really vital....

Anyway...just some thoughts I thought I would share with you...

Have a blessed and joyous day, no matter where you are or who you are with! Remember that the Giver of all good things is right there with you and just waiting for you to see His hands at work!

BTW; I am going out for a sushi dinner and a movie today with my husband and daughter....That's their choice for how to celebrate today...I am just going to treasure the fact that we are together and that I'm home for the holiday and not in the hospital!!

A Grateful Life

I'm just sitting in my living room, listening to the "Glee" soundtrack with my daughter; feeling both reflective and just enjoying the moment....The air is filled with the smell of fresh banana bread that I just took from the oven (this time it turned out perfectly!)...and my heart feels full of Thanksgiving. Not so much the "Thanksgiving Holiday" ie: turkey and trimmings, but just gratitude to God for allowing me to be back at home with my family and feeling in my right mind, and somewhat able to function...at least enough to manage. For someone who has not always had health or mental well-being, or spiritual peace...I can attest to the miracle and grace of God in endowing us with them.

For those of you who are currently struggling with your own demons of mental illness; family members who suffer with disabilities; sons or daughters who seem hell-bent on learning the hard way; I would like to offer a word of encouragement and hope...as well as my most fervent prayers that God will speedily grant you peace and joy...And that while He goes about that process, that you would be enabled to remain fixed in trust and a solid certainty that your God will ride the winds to help you...and that He is EVEN NOW, doing just that.

I want to thank those of you who have contacted me, either personally, or via email; and shared with me your stories and allowed me the privilege of bearing with you the burden of prayer and faith in your struggles. And if you haven't yet done that, please feel welcome and safe to do so...I consider it to be my God-given gift and responsibility to have this as a ministry to those of you who still are mining the Darkness and seeking the Treasures that God has promised there for you. I pray that Yahweh will prove Himself to be the Strong Helper and Loving God that I know Him to be.

I was the most hopeless of cases...Lost in decades of despair...the sickest one in almost every psych ward I visited; considered to be beyond help...and certainly out of range of any kind of normal life... I do not claim that my life is normal, but I would agree with Francis Chan and my friend Sara Frankl (the following is a quote from Sara's blog www.Gitzengirl.blogspot.com .

“Of course there are moments when I long for a more normal life”
“God set me on this path and lined it with blessings. I can’t presume my dreams would have turned out better than His plans just because they seem easier in my mind.”

There is a sentence under one of (Francis) Chan’s videos on his website
that talks about how all of us are striving for a normal life, but have we ever
stopped to think that maybe the goal in life shouldn’t be normalcy? That one
sentence made my circumstances make sense to me. If I judge my life against
others… or even against the life I used to have… if I’m grading myself on a
curve of normalcy, then of course I look short-changed. But that’s not the goal.
The goal is to live the best life I can with what I am given
….Obviously my life is intensely abnormal compared to others, and these past few months have been the hardest of my life. But I still wouldn’t trade it for the normal one I always thought I would have, because this is the one He meant for me to live.
It’s a relief to know we’re not graded on a curve, but instead loved for exactly
who we are designed to be

That is a quote by Sara Frankl’s blog post dated 11/14/09 http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/

*Note: Francis Chan : author of Crazy Love

Do not despair if your life or the lives of your loved ones fall short of "normal"--There is no such thing as a minimum requirement of life that God owes us. Rather, He has lovingly designed a path, and, as Sara said, lined it with blessings that are particular to us. Sure, some of us take the "long road" or learn the hard way, but God, in His mercy, blesses even that...and best of all, we are kept in His hands and by the prayers of those who love us, until we can get to the place where we get with His program and start reaping the abundance He has waiting for us.

Rather than thinking of that which we lack, let us instead "count the blessings" that God has so lovingly granted us...A grateful spirit goes a long way in helping inner healing.

Blessings peeps!!

Whom have I in heaven but you??

Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides
You.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm
Strength of my heart and my Portion forever.

Psalm 73:25,26 (AMP)

I've been thinking a lot about heaven. Not being morbid or anything, but when you live in a body as troubled by illness as mine seems to be, it is a natural thing to look forward to finally being rid of all of that and to be no longer bound by things like pain, fatique, confusion, hallucinations, or breathlessness. But you know, I've also been thinking a lot more about how eager I am just to finally SEE my Adonai....and even my desire to roller blade on those golden highways, pales to a faint tickle in my anticipation of first, falling on my face before Him and then second, having Him take me by the hand and go for a long walk and talk with my Lord.

That's what this verse is all about. For some people, heaven is a reunion with those who've gone on before them; people they loved who have died and are now in heaven. For people who suffer physically or mentally, heaven takes on a different kind of appeal...But these two verses say that ALL THAT ASIDE: the real deal is to finally see the Lord Jesus and to just BE THERE with HIM. He is the only one we really will have eyes for. His love is the only real benefit we will thirst for; HE IS THE CENTER ATTRACTION....so much so that everything else pales in comparison.

I have a new habit; it is to go to my blog here and play and replay Kari Jobe's song "Healer" which I have embedded at the top of the sidebar. One day, yes, I will be healed....but the best thing is that HE IS MY PORTION; the only thing I will desire in heaven; the only one for whom I will have eyes.

Self-Description

I read my book while at the hospital…it is a sanitized version, maybe passably written, but it precludes all real, raw emotion, and it stifles and hides any hint of my “true genius”….haha…By that I mean that I’ve parboiled my creative spirit right into oblivion and in order to rescue it, would have to go the role of “enrichment”…
(and just ask Dr. Oz what he thinks of enriched products!)

Is there any niche for me?? A book of profane faith?? A book of uncensored creative spirit and one in which “anything goes?” A book to shock the tidiest Christians, appall yo mommas, and maybe just maybe ring true to God’s ears? I don’t know if I want a “niche” anyway…Those are reserved for dusty saints. Dead statues. I am a real, living breathing (sort of anyway) saint…one like Peter who frequently had to switch feet in his mouth…An arrogant upstart like Paul, A questioner and worshiper like David….I am passionate like Ruth; need to be put in my place like Jonah; a sufferer like Job; an angry SOB like Moses…one equally full of insecurities and excuses. I obey, but usually on the long-term plan of obedience….Not so good at leaping up and “yes-Lord”-saluting my way into compliance.

I find myself now in an odd quandary…One comprised of the necessities of medical need; the functional demands of my daily life; caught in the cracks of social injustice and financial needs…Relationally, all is in the air. My family, my friends, all at losses to know just what to make of me and how to keep my needs and passions under the grip of control…Me struggling with the demands of creative juice and motivation that get lost and consumed in the mill of actuality…lost in the dubious strength of an uncooperative body and an undisciplined mind….or rather a mind from which memory – any reliable memory function—has abdicated and taken a long hike.

My ethics; my medical and life philosophies range from mother earth’s store house of natural pharmacology and common sense measures, to prayer and simple faith, to desperately taken “conventional medical” solutions – which I am more than half hoping will kill me if they don’t cure me.

And all of this arrogance; all of this desperation; all of this need and fear is housed in a broken, pain-scarred body and uplifted to soaring heights by a soul that still weeps in the presence of beauty and worships at the feet of Grace.

headin' home - ?

I have a head full of thoughts and various Word documents littering my laptop's hard drive, with which I shall return to my home (optimistically speaking, that should be later today) and try to span the gaps with bold bounds and cross my T's and dot my i's, all so that I may give voice to some unutterable truths that God has been trying to drill? drum?? drip ....that's it....a drizzle actually, into my mind to make a bit more sense of my life and where to take it from here.

That may have been an all time record for run-on sentences...so if you found yourself up to your neck in clauses and had very little resolution, let me try to say it "short and sweet":

I'm going home. I have lots to think about. And hopefully that will lead me to have lots to say, once I get organized. STAY TUNED FOR MORE STUFF!!

Also, due to my husband's marvelous talent and predeliction for online research, "I" have "discovered" new data with which to inform and encourage you as you deal with mental illness; either that of your own or of a family member. I will try hard to discipline myself to put it all down here in manageable and userfriendly form. So come back to visit often; or follow this blog, or make use of the RSS feed feature, so that you don't miss nuttin'. As always, I welcome your comments, questions, suggestions, and even criticisms. Please comment freely. BFN my friends.

My Temporary Home, Carrie Underwood

This is how my life of "hospital hopping" feels to me...and maybe that is not all a bad thing to keep my perspective right!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF4ficXn2ck

“Whole Health”

Okay, these hospitalizations are sometimes good for me; not only to “restore” my breathing, but also to prove to me several things:

1) I don’t want to get old
2) I already am well on my way to being there
3) I want to go home and suck the juice out of what life remains—
4) And will do so, granted that conventional medicine hasn’t already taken too big of a bite out of my health to be able to do it.

Shaky hands, tremulous body, unsteady knees….and being challenged by an OT therapist to pick up a paper towel with one hand and crumple it up into a ball…and finding that task next to impossible to complete in under ten minutes…all of these things are for the birds. “And when I look into my near future and know that there lie in the wings for me, at least three major surgeries...(leering like the thieves I know they are--despite others having called their hip replacement surgeries a “second lease on life”)….I REALLY would rather NOT, thanks.”

And now I go back home to the question of how to live?? Where does “healthy eating” turn into disorder? How extremely and expensively must I live to do what is best for my body? How many cleanses, meatless meals, herbal brews, and yoga workouts must I endure before I will see any significant results?

I know that, as a Christian, I can’t “kick against the goads” and forestall the grinning specter of Death based on human effort, or striving… I know that God will either grant me the health to do His work, or He will grant me the work that suits my health….And the “Work” He gives is not a number of laps on a treadmill…it is a stretching and expansion of my soul…(and it really SHOULD accompany a shrinkage of my waistline at the same time…if I can just get these legs to get me up and out a LITTLE bit more…and if He should enable me to stay off of the steroids for any significant amount of time so that my weight can ever stop catching up to itself as it runs circles around me.)

But even if my waistline refuses to be mitigated; my soul needn’t be. Thanks be to the Lord Jesus Christ that our “whole health” is not something to be purchased, worked for, or even earned….It is a gift…and my soul can be entirely invigorated and healthy, even if it should find my body on a respirator. And meanwhile my soul can dance and sing “There ain’t no Grave that’s gonna hold this body down….” And Jesus may well be the only audience to my song and dance, but that’s okay; He’s lovin’ it!

Putting it all together:

I am a daughter of the King…seated already in heavenly places, recipient at this present time of the resources of heaven: the gifts, the intimacy with my Father, the blessings inherent to a child of royalty, the promise of impending greater blessing and growing authority and an unshakeable security of a future that will not flicker, fade or perish.

And it is all being purified and banged into some kind of intangible corporeality amidst the furnace of aches and pains, frustrations, love exchanged for hatred, sickness and continual pain of my life. A constant belief and life of giving I’ve chosen over one of bitterness and resentment; a life of faith and trust, a life of obedience and confession is one where I keep an open out held hand outstretched, with the other one held securely by my Father in a balance of receiving and outpouring of the understandings and resources He gives me as I then pass them on to others.

….Knowing all along that it is the smiles exchanged between me and my Father that is the biggest draw to those hungry, lonely, aching masses…not really looking for a handout…just for a SMILE like that. A proud, “Your one of my favorite Kids” – smiles. I get them all the time…but I’m still not real clear on why. All I know is my Dad loves me, though I’ve certainly given Him reason to cry some big tears.

I don’t always understand the things my Dad tells me to do; like to go and embrace someone that doesn’t smell so pleasant, to pray for someone who is cursing me, or to do a favor for someone when my own body is screaming out of its own pain….and I don’t always do these things perfectly or immediately. That’s why I’m still alive; I’m still learning, growing and in training for the really BIG stuff ahead. But most of all, I just want to see Him smile at me with that “That’s my girl”-smile, that I love so much.

My Father has some odd ways of doing things. People have had the nerve to call HIM the crazy one or the fool…or have had the gall to play HIM for a fool…Just because they don’t comprehend someone who thinks outside of the dimensions of time, energy and space, doesn’t give them the right to think they know any better than He does! You see, my Father is not motivated by bribery, or lies, or get rich quick schemes. He is not into “bless me here, bless me right now” scenarios either.

He runs by his own Timeless ways, in His own schedule, not hurried nor slowed by anyone or anything….And it is guaranteed to get all done, right in the perfect nick of time. I love that about Dad. He always has to squeeze that beautiful laugh out of a moment where there was hands sweating and nail biting a moment before. That laugh that says, “It just couldn’t have been any better than this, now could it??”

The world is full of moments like these that my Dad has arranged so carefully….my own life is chock full of them…but we, like the evening news, have ways of fixing our eyes on the pain, the dirt, the suffering and the frightening things instead of on the stuff that REALLY matters and we miss out on so much of the wonder around us….but that doesn’t stop my Dad from bringing on the good stuff…it’s all around us…Open your eyes and wipe your glasses clean. Focus your eyes on Jesus and what is coming NEXT and soon you will have eyes to see and hears to hear, the way my Dad wants to perfect in all of us.

on being Both Here and Also There

On Being Here and Also There
Today at 7:14pm
Here in the hospital still…Almost a week down and still at the maximum dosage of IV steroids that they give for asthma via IV. The damage is beginning to be evident in my body…exhaustion and weakness, terrible tremors, swollen face and body,… I am praying that they leave my mind alone this time…My mind is still too tenuous in its level of control following my last psych hospitalization (going on what, now? Two weeks ago?)

I look at this person, bad lungs, messed up cardiac situation, terrible mental issues, and think sometimes: “God, what are you THINKING creating a mess like me?? And then having the audacity to bless me at one past time with beauty, talent in numerous areas, intelligence.....???” It really is all beyond me, what He is up to. Am I still in “basic training?” Is there some big mission ahead of me that somehow requires all of this “specialized training?”

Or does my future lie in being abandoned, either in a nursing home, state mental institution, homeless on a street corner…? And will it require all of my past history to either deal with it successfully without spitting in God’s face once again or else to summon sufficient pathos to make a movie from the vestiges of a destroyed life that had once smacked of promise. (ala, : The Soloist). (Hope you can recognize the tongue - in - cheek tone of these questions!)

At a recent Christian Writer’s Conference, I was “prophesied over” and prayed over …both women having similar visions of me speaking to crowds of thousands…. Of course, that does not eliminate the possibility of a private/public platform, such as a writer who is still homebound or worse; or a platform built on an online presence; or even of God shakin' all the sickness right out of me and getting my butt really UP THERE on a stage somewhere…and all of the above seem equally audacious to me and eons away from any place that I find myself in reality.

Sometimes I pray that God will see fit to give me a quiet life (okay, avoid the temptation to SNORT here, please)….and then allow my platform to be built posthumously…ala: Emily Dickinson or even Oswald Chambers and spare me the exhaustive pain and strain that a more active life would entail for me…who has real difficulty making it to Shop Rite. I guess that's the lazy man's way (or the really tired late/middle aged woman's point of view).

It all comes down to this question, (and it is one that I’ve found myself pondering repeatedly today): What does God see me as doing? As BEING?? Today? Tomorrow? Am I there? Am I living out His vision for me? Am I even on the same map? Am I on track for the place he’s taking me to be?

How, realistically speaking, does one get to be in that ideal state of “There-ness” and “Readiness” at the same time? Seems like one heck of a balancing (balanced?) act. That is it is I guess. To be settled and content where I am now, reaping its blessings, sucking them dry and then filling and serving the glasses with the fruit of the vine I’ve made of it, not forgetting to plant whatever seeds I come across and to tend them….and also being ready at the blink of the Father’s eye, to pack up and move on…to the next stage or off the stage entirely…not looking behind with any regret, nor ahead with any fear…Just tucking my hand into my Daddy’s and trotting along to the next place He has arranged for me. "Ok, Dad, it’s okay….I’ll go where you take me…I only need to know YOU”LL be with me there, OK, Dad??...Just don’t leave me and I’ll be just fine.”

(“I will never leave you, nor forsake you…” “I go….that where I am, there you may be also.” Y'shua ha' Meschiach)

"God with Us": me, here...now...

Well. It's about 6:30 a.m. and I've been up since 5:00. That makes, with the aide of a sleeping pill, less than 5 hours of sleep. I thought, when I woke at 5:00 that it was just a momentary alighting on the flower of consciousness...But, first I dumped a cup of water all over the floor (and into the only pair of slipper/shoes that I'd brought with me) and had to clean that up. Then the nurse wandered in to give me my 5:AM IV of steroids...only to find my access line was no longer any good. Two poking and fishing attempts later, they finally located a vein,...right in my right hand, greatly impeding my typing and many other tasks for which I use that appendage....But I durst not complain...Because the next step, I know, is a central line through the neck. And that is a sure and certain port for toxic infection to my heart and blood stream. Been there; done that; and don't want to "go there" again!

So then, I just had to check my email after fish flopping in pain in bed for awhile....but was tired still...so shut down and determined to shut my eyes...Yet more pain...and a noise. When I opened them, a gentleman in a lab coat carrying the famous "dracula"-box of supplies entered my room asking softly, "Mrs. Vogel??" Ahhh, yes, my daily guest from the lab, here to squeeze more of the fruit of my veins, for them to continue to run the daily sodium levels and cell counts on it. I have to say, he was a gentleman (must have been his soft French accent) and good at his job. He gently "tsk-tskked" at the IV patched-over failed tries and promptly found a vein (granted, even HE had to fish a bit), then said his goodbyes and turned out the light. Re-enter the nurse with "One more pill"...OK, NOW to sleep.

RE-ENTER PAIN!!
Okay. Lord, I give up. By now it is undeniably light outside although looking still to be another gray day. From my window, I can see offices across the road, with cars pulling into the lots with the drivers, sleepy-eyed and carrying their travel mugs of coffee, as they hurry in for the morning's rush of work. I think it is the staff arriving for their 7-3 shift at that nursing home located there, handily next to the hospital.

So Father, what did you want to tell me? There is a song that played on my mp3 player this morning, still ringing in my mind:

"I am not skilled to understand; what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand stands
one who is my Savior...
I take Him at his word and I believe,
Christ died to save me this I read and
in my heart I find a need of Him to be my Savior.
That He would leave His Father's place on high and for sinful man to die--
You count it strange so once did I; before I knew my Savior.
My Savior loves my savior lives my savior's always there for me;
My God, He was; My God, He is; My God; He's always gonna be...."

So Lord, Okay. Reminds me of a Facebook message I got the other day...from a friend, a man of 76 telling me how at age six he lost both parents and eight siblings in a single day. The message ended with "God's ways are perfect and beyond finding out, Who can know them?" Which is a quote from Job, I believe.... But we have now, one that we DIDN'T have when Job or whoever penned those lines. We have Emmanuel...God with us. God in the flesh of a man by the name of "Y'shua", Joshua in English, "Jesus, in Greek"...all meaning "Savior" or "Salvation."

This God-man suffered. Like we do. In a body condemned by the blight of sin's Fall from the perfection that God had originally created. In a body condemned to age and to feel pain, sweat, hard labor, and limitations and much exhaustion. And He died an excruiciating death that demanded every surge of physical and moral stamina and faith that a mortal man could summon....and then, He trusted. He left this earth, trusting that His Father would bring Him back; because He knew His Dad...Always, always true to His word.

So what does all this mean? To me? Here in this hospital bed? I don't know what the future brings. All I know is that I woke tired and hurting. I don't know if tomorrow my temperature will escalate and announce some new infection, if the "crackles" the nurse just heard in my lungs signifies some danger brewing, as it has in the past, or whether soon I will be patched up and sent home to await the news of the next days....But I know that, by my side, stands One who KNOWs. Knows the pain; knows the fear and lonliness; knows the tiredness; ...and He, most of all , KNOWS the FATHER. He knows the Father cannot fail and will not fail to live up to His promises. For those who remain on earth, that often means much harder things to come.

But for those who know the SON, Emmanuel; we know that Salvation has come, died, and overcome even death...carrying us, hell's captives, with Him back to heaven's realms...where He sits and waits...like we are....for the day when He will return as our KING, or will call us to be with Himself first. And I know HIM NOW because He has given His Spirit to live in me until at last we are all united in the New Jerusalem, His coming Kingdom.

So we cannot question what happens to us here and now...NOR should we fear it!! For by our side we have God Himself with us and in us: and "If God be for us; Who can (dare) stand against us?"

...And all morning, every tune on my "Zune" has played songs of man's fear and aloneness and weakness...and God's loving, KNOWING presence.

adDressing Problems

No, the "typo" in the title was no mistake. It refers to the fact that this hospital stay has actually been focusing on three different problems. One is the one I was admitted for: asthma; the next was something that came up a few weeks ago, but went undiscovered until now. That one is called "hyponatremia": or low sodium levels in the blood. It turned up in my bloodwork and, undetected, it can lead to kidney disease, mental retardation, and other things no one wants or needs. It's symptoms are things that have been making my life miserable, but which were myterious to me and, other than complaining once or twice about a persistent and sometimes very bad, headache, went unmentioned to anyone. They included achiness, flulike symptoms, swollen ankles, diminised urination, weakness and general malaise. I just chalked them up to left over depression and side effects of meds and ignored them. Turns out they were all caused by one of my medications. The kidney specialist who was called on to my case here, adjusted the levels of medication and the problems are receding and the sodium levels are returning to better levels.

The third problem that has been addressed is one in which I recognized my need, but because of the way my insurance was set up, was prevented financially from getting it met. I was in desperate need of some Occupational Therapy training and equipment to assist me in getting dressed and getting my shoes and socks on due to increasing disability from my several types of arthritis. As I await bi-lateral hip replacements which are pending, the problems are increasingly severe and troubling. Thankfully God had me think to mention this to my MD and he ordered a visit from the inpatient OT who has set me up with the equipment that I need and some exercises to continue with at home. This is such a blessing to me. Every morning prior to coming here, I had to beg God to somehow help me get dressed so that I would not have to ask my daughter or husband. And He has used a surprising (as is usual for Him) way of answering that prayer.

As for the breathing: it is slowly improving. I feel deceptively well while laying in bed...even this morning, for a while, taking off my O2. However, in my ambition this morning to smell better, I finally got permission to shower, and there discovered my limitations. I survived the shower, but just. And had to rest a bit, with the O2 back on and leave the cleanup to one of the aides. But altogether, am doing better, I think.

I even slept for a LONG time last night, which was desperately needed. So today, on my 20th anniversary of marriage to my one and only husband, all is looking well...except that I won't be able to see him today as he has to work for ten hours and then hurry home to our daughter who is lonely today on school holiday by herself.

Admitted-ly

Well, here I am in the hospital once again. This time for asthma...problems have been escalating for the past four weeks, since before I left the psychiatric hospital. I am exhausted. And no sleep yet, even though it is 11:30 PM, because I can't get to sleep without my medications and they have not yet arrived from the hospital pharmacy... So I will talk to you and pretend like I'm not really talking to myself.

I just read a wonderful, heartlifting story online about a little boy (a year old) named Stellan (see: www.mycharmingkids.net or for the latest in the story:http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/11/its-going-its-going.html). Amazingly, he is the nephew, I believe, of another avid blogger whom I follow: http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/ written by a young woman who suffers from Ankylosing Spondylitis...a disease related to one of my arthritic diseases: psoriatic spondylosis. Both Sara and her family love the Lord and Stellan's story (as well as Sara's) is an amazing tale of God's miraculous mercy; both when He heals and also when He chooses not to do so.

Anyway, I finally got my medication so will probably pass out soon. Please continue to pray for my family and me. Pray that this will be an uncomplicated, not very lengthy stay in the hospital, uncluttered by infections or psychiatric problems, both made more likely by the steroids. Good night all!

A New Day

Today is the first morning when some of my depression has lifted a little bit. This morning the Lord whispered to me to open to Psalms and when I did, the following verses stared me in the face:

How happy is anyone who fears Adonai....he will never be moved....He will not be frightened by bad news: he remains steady, trusting in Adonai. His heart is set firm, he will not be afraid, till finally he looks in triumph at his enemies. Ps 112:6a,7,8

Then I turned on some music and it was the first time I'd heard my favorite praise songs in a LONG time and hearing them was both with the joy of recognition as well as with the freshness of newness...and my heart lifted and danced with them. (Couldn't quite get the body to join in that, but maybe that too will come?) Then Eric (my husband) told me of a strange occurrence in our bank account that he was at a loss to explain, having figured and re-figured and concluded that there would be no trip to the grocery store this week, prior to this. I don't want to be hasty and say that a miracle has occurred, but it does look that way. At the very least, a nice "mistake" somewhere. :)

I've been thinking about the verses above. Do they mean that bad news will never occur? NO. Any Christian can testify to hardship and "bad news" in their lives. But it means that we shouldn't ANTICIPATE it before it comes. Yes, we need to always have our hearts and hands held securely in Adonai's hands and HOLD HIS in return! We need to be in a spirit of dependency and prayer, even before the storm clouds gather; but if we are, we can be assured that the storm will not knock us off of our feet. It will not sever Adonai's grip on us. It does not ever have the power to cause us to fear.

Jesus told his disciples; "Do not fear those that can kill your body, but rather those that can destroy your soul." If our hearts are where they should be, there is NOTHING that Satan can do or throw at us, which should cause us to fear! We are to fear God and Him alone. And if we have the connection to Him of being His children, that fear need never cross the line from respect to terror.

So yes, there are storm clouds on the horizon. That has not changed. But I do not need to tremble, because whether they arrive or not, Yahweh holds my hand!

More Problems? More Prayer!

Right now, finding myself in a tight spot created by health problems, medications, possible consequences of taking the meds that I do, and God's propensity for enlarging my faith; I find myself going more and more to my knees. (OK, although I LOVE to pray while kneeling, recent advances in my arthritic disease have made that impossible...so I mean it figuratively.) I think that while I wouldn't go so far as to say that, "God made me sick" (even though there are Scriptures from which one could argue even that); I would say that God allowed this current set of circumstances and He is in utter control of them. And I know, from my history in dealing with my Adonai, that the upshot will be another growth spurt in my faith.

So what are the circumstances of which I speak? Well I won't go into all of the "possibilities" or even the likelihoods because I don't want to look negatively at the situation. But even speaking realistically, there are some dangers. For one, my asthma is currently quite bad. This is not only frustrating and dangerous in itself, but also it necessitates that I go back on steroids. Now, steroids and I are not good friends! Not only do they accompany a HOST of negative side effects such as weight gain, swelling and weakness, but they also do two other things which are of most concern right now. They cause my mental state to deteriorate and they cause my white cell count to drop. My white cell count and my immunity is already dangerously low because I'm taking Methotrexate for the Psoriatic Arthritis...so lowering it further is like hanging out a sign "Infections Wanted-apply within" and then taking away my funds which I need to pay the new "employee!"

And there are certain financial repercussions which can occur if I need to go into another psychiatric hospital as well as the probability that I will end up someplace I will not like and very much don't want to be. I can come across quite sanely in my writing, but, for those of you who've spoken to me since I've come you from the hospital, you will note that I am far from myself. To lose more ground would be devastating both to my family and me.

There is also a situation with my daughter, which although probably harmless, has the potential of being frightening.... But we will likely not know what way it will go until later next week.

So, today when my mind was swirling around these potentialities like a flushing toilet (please excuse the simile), there came to mind a devotional article which I get via email in daily installments. Today's devotion was by Eddie Jones and he said in reference to Psalm 23 that "the shadow of death" was really not death itself but the fears caused by the circumstances around death. Like "will I be abandoned and alone?" or "will there be a lot of pain?" He said that when that time actually DOES come, we will likely find it much easier to deal with then we did with all the fears prior. Satan does that, you know. He loves to taunt us with possibilities, blowing them all out of proportion, showing us scenes from the worst possible scenarios until we scream for mercy.

So this time, I'm beating him to the punch. I'm closing the door on the imaginations and am already screaming to my Father for His mercy. Because it's pointless to scream at Satan; he has no mercy! Please join me in my prayers for my family and myself. Pray especially for my husband who was already at the breaking point from stress BEFORE all this happened in the past two days.

God is in it & God is Good

This past Sunday I was scheduled to go to church with a friend who said she'd pick me up. Saturday night was misery...no sleep and hallucinations aplenty. I was feeling anything but like going to a church full of people whom I knew would all want to hug me and welcome me back. I strongly considered cancelling my ride, but in the end, decided that, "Hey, you can't be more miserable than you already are," and went. The hugs were difficult (I didn't feel like being touched) and I know my demeanor was less than welcoming to people, but the sermon was an arrow headed straight for a waiting target.

The pastor, a young man in his really early thirties, sat down on a chair in front of the church and called his two little children to the front to sit on his lap. They were obviously hesitant to go up in front of everyone, but once on his lap, the crowd was forgotten. The only one they had eyes for was DADDY. They snuggled up and settled in, gazing adoringly at his face. He began to speak that if we had any other view of God than this one, we had the wrong idea.

He spoke of how that view, in his mind, was tested during the past week where there'd been many difficult things for a young pastor to deal with, including death. But how, in the end, he had to come back to the fact, that we are God's kids and loved beyond our greatest comprehension. He showed a video of a pastor from our denomination who'd been assailed by a mysterious, undiagnosible illness from which he'd almost died, and which had left him quite disabled. I'd seen the video before and had been very moved, but had forgotten about it.

Pastor Stumbo's message was loud and as clear as his struggling voice could make it: "I don't like this journey that I'm on, but GOD IS IN IT; AND GOD IS GOOD." This arrow also hit home with me. My illness sucks. But God is still in control, and He loves me beyond measure. What more can a girl ask?

The Limitations of Psychology

Today I met for the first time with a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist. The latter appointment went well...and the former did also, in that I liked her and we had an immediate repoire. However, when she'd gotten done taking my history, she informed me that, ethically, she could not take me on as her patient. This was bad news to me...she'd been my last hope in a mental health professionally-deprived area.

The problem was, as she carefully explained to me, that I need to be seen "at least twice a week" and to do anything less would be irresponsible and legally risky to her. And we cannot afford even a quarter of those copays. Plus, my insurance will only pay for thirty mental health days per year. They would be gone in a month.

My advice to you: don't be a "very troubled" person if you make too much money to qualify for assistance and still don't have enough to live. There is some possiblity that I might qualify for state medical assistance on the basis of my disability, but the quality of care would suffer, most likely. There is also the liklihood that we would have to contribute too much money to the spend down to make it feasible to us. Funny: too poor for Medicaid.

I know that God has some plan to provide for those needs, but I don't really have any idea what it is at this point. I've been without a therapist for over a year now...since the last one dumped me via email. I still don't know what I'd done to deserve that. Every professional I've told about it since then cannot believe the manner in which it was done either. No one can fathom a therapist acting so irresponsibly and unkindly...but there it is.

So, I wait...pray...look into my options for medical assistance...and pray some more.