Monday, October 20, 2014

"What you Intended for Evil: God Intended for Good"

For those of you who have come to my blog. encouraged by my book to come here or via some other avenue.....and you expected to see a lot about SZ (Schizophrenia)....those articles are scattered randomly throughout the blog.  Your best bet is to use the blog search  feature in the side bar toward the top..   Type "Schizophrenia" in there and you will get a  list of articles to pick from. Maybe more than you bargained on...but I hope you find something helpful.  If you do, please leave a note or a comnent so we can dialogue --or just so I know you are out there listening.

But for now pain is on my mind.  I had  falling out on Friday with my pain management doc, due to his completely misunderstanding something I said in an email to him.  So.  He  completely overreacted and gave me the boot.  You have to understand how devastating it was to my pride.  I am a "good girl"  --I take my meds as directed except for one potent narcotic that I save for times of great pain and need.  And he knows that. I've told him that....  It was humiliating to me to be told I had threatened the doctor (which I most certainly did NOT). He called me unstable and  inconsistent.  I said to him "YEAHHH. I have schizophrenia...how is that you are expecting consistency? No answer.
Long run....short story...I am on my own to either deal with unrelieved pain or to find a doc who will take me on after getting the smear on  my medical records that I'm sure this guy is going to leave.      You are right.  No one will prescribe for me.
My only hope is my rheumatologist who has asked me severeal times if I need pain meds.  So he may be a source of a lower dose...just something to help me stay on this side of the grave.

I was so blessed  today to receive a devotional in my email by Margaret D Mitchell. on Endurance....and what that means to a believer.   How does it change us? What does it look like?  How does God use it.?  A really good Biblically sound teaching. It was one that encouraged me and sent me to the Word and to prayer. And that is the best kind of thing.  Here it is so you can read it.

http://www.crosswalkmail.com/ViewMessage.do?m=dsctpjdcsd&r=lkmjkmzdkkmk&s=xhgjvsdbjgjdcbmplqnkndschllcgrdnvvm&a=view

No matter the damage done to me by this doctor.  I am a a child of God and my God will see that I have all that I need.  He will  either heal me or he will take my hand and walk me through my days of pain and in his presence pain doesn't have a chance of stealing the show.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pained Thought

As I have mentioned in the past Sparkpeople.com has been a big part of my life in my attempts to lose weight and regain strength.  IN the past several months it has been all I can do to drop in on the RAD team (Rheuatoid Autoimmune Disease) that I am one of  the leaders...and just update them on my current status and trying to encourage those there who are struggling.  It used to be a really active team with posts appearing every hour at least.  Lately though...it's been dead.  AS dead as my own attempts at a healthy lifestyle....And yesterday one of the members of rhat team wrote me an honest letter - the "tough love" approach.  She said that I am feeling self pity and that if I don' t get my act together I will die.  And to that statement I said something like "That would be okay with me:"
Unfortunately that statement was looked upon as though it were a suicidal threat.  Which it was not.  Not in any way shape or form.  AFter my last suicide attempt (you will have to read it in my book....I'm not going to explain it here.) I learned that my  life belongs to the Lord....he holds the calendar for my life and until he beckons me....I'm stuck here.  I look forward to heaven more than anyone I know does.  I cannot wait to see my beloved Lord and get into that new body.  I'm READY.  But I am not going to try to take my life out of God's hands.  I am His.

But the issue of self pity stuck to me....I do not feel like I am pitying myself.  I do what I have to do everyday  with the little bit of strength I have.  I am in pain.  I have accepted the fact that for as long as I live, I will have daily pain....and sometimes that pain is  excruciating.  It's a fact.  It is what it is.
I  have asthma which sends me into bronchospasm merely by walking across the living room.,,,I cannot exercise.  My pulmonologist told me if I exercise, I will die.  I'm not making that up.  it's a fact.  But I can do some stretches which I did  today following a Richard Simmons ancient VCR tape.  So I will try to do things like that.  Lifting arm weights although with two messed up elbows and two painful shoulders...that will not be easy  But I promised I would try it. So that's on for tomorrow.

I do not want to be thought of as someone who has given up and who pities themselves.  How do I avoid that/ Do i just stop talking about pain and how lousy I feel?  Just "suck it up"?In my life, I do  not talk about pain unless someone specifically asks me.  I do what I can and what i have to do.  I don't walk around moaning and kvetching.  Maybe in my writing on this team....because I look at it as a safe environment where I will not be derided or given a hard time.  It's a place where we can support each other.  But maybe some people think it's  a place to spread cheer and positive thinking.  Maybe we are just approaching the team from different directions.

Right now I'm in bad shape.  Maybe from the stretches today?  It's the only thing different.  I will keep plugging at it.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

What can you do?





It is also breast cancer awareness month (or week, not sure which)....and as badly as I feel for those with breast cancer, and as awful a disease as that is....those who suffer with it are considered to be heroes....and millions of dollars are raised each year to continue to seek treatment options. 
On the other hand, those who suffer with mental illness, suffer with it for the rest of their lives. SZ in particular strikes at the time of life when a person is just beginning to become an adult and is beginning to undertake the pursuit of his or her goals in life.  Not only is their life destroyed by the disease, they often have to bear intolerable stigma.  They will be referred to as "crazy" "lunatic" and worse.  No one will want to  be around them.  People are needlessly frightened of them.  They suffer horrors at the hands of police enforcement and mental health facilities.  They have very little chance at a love life and have to live with the knowledge that, should they have a child, they are very likely passing on the disease that has robbed them of a normal, fulfilling life.

Some people, like myself, who once were bright and at the tops of their college or high school classes who had every possibility for high achievement in life, find themselves losing intelligence and even reading a book becomes a huge challenge....and completing a college course becomes an impossibility.  And worst of all they are treated as though they were mentally challenged .

To learn more about the reality of mental illness and what someone with Schizophrenia experiences, why not purchase my book, newly released, that tells my story and also explains more about this disease and maybe will enable you to treat people with mental illness with more understanding.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_18?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=cynthia+lott+vogel&sprefix=cynthia+lott+vogel%2Caps%2C217
This is the link for my book on Amazon., however will not be available on Amazon until the 22nd of  October.  You may pre-order or go directly to Xulon's site (and in doing this not only can you get the book faster, I will get a greater royalty.  http://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781498412018&HC_ISBN=

It is also available on Barnes and Noble's site but I am unsure of when B&N will get their stock in.





Sunday, October 5, 2014

A Book Giveaway.

Comment on the post below between today (Sunday ) til the end of tomorrow (Monday) and I will choose a commenter  to receive a free copy of my new book Treasures from Darkness- how I lost my  mind and saved my soul.