ZOE -- חַיִּים-- Chayyim

Zoe: Life (in Greek)
Jesus said , "I have come that you may have life--and have it more abundantly"
I got to thinking about my last post.  The enemy wants us (me) dead. Dead spiritually and dead physically.  The Bible says he was a liar and a murderer from the beginning.  Perhaps, I've been thinking, I have fallen for the lie, and lost out on the life.  I'm not speaking in terms of my eternal disposition....but about the one here on earth.  It is entirely consistent to say that the lie of the enemy is to deceive us to believe that death is preferable to life.  Spiritually or physically....he'll take either one and preferably both.

Jesus says that his whole purpose is Zoe.

So then should we not reject every thing in our lives that leads us to death and embrace what leads to life?  That includes a whole bevy of things; the way we eat.  exercise.  And more importantly, analyzing our lives to pick out the "deadening" or "death-dealing" factors in them and to be rid of them.  To reject them...
There is honestly, not much about my life now that makes me want to live.  Honestly, the quicker death comes, the better.
But, that outlook, that condition, is simply wrong.  It is antithetical to all the Jesus came for.

This week a friend from a period in my life of about 14 years ago got in touch with me via acebook....and we ended up talking on the phone.   She suffers from a rare disease resulting from neurological damage. It is a painful disease and a crippling one.  She was on huge amounts of morphine, sleeping her life away ...and was, quite literally, going to die had things continued as they were.  But in an act of desperation--she made a courageous move in an effort to maintain and enhance her life.  She moved down South to a community, where literally--everything was with in reach and accessible to her.  She left every"death-dealing"situation and went, seeking life.

And my friend.?  She is once more the exuberant lady I recalled knowing, doing well physically and filled with hope about her future.
From my vantage point, well, I know the courage that such a move took.  The grip of Thanatos is a strong one...and to break free takes supernatural courage and strength.

For a long time friends of mine have encouraged me to make such a move. I am in a dive for death right now.  And it may be that there is nothing that can be done to make a huge change in that direction.  But is it right to go willingly, without resistance?  Is it right to stay where I am being slain daily and the hope in me is being trampled and is shriveling to nothing?  And possibly, her move, is not, nor should be, my move.  But what IS my move?  What would a move toward life look like for me?

This is something that needs consideration.  It needs prayer.  It needs some honesty.  And it will need a whole heap  of courage.

L'chaim

Thanatos

I think a lot about my death.
I guess that's kind of weird...but maybe not.  I spent over 15 years greatly desiring to die and attempted to do so at least 4 times over the years; and all the time when I wasn't trying to die, I was thinking about it.  Only, back then, I didn't think of heaven or of me going there or not.  I didn't really think about hell either.  I wasn't worried that, if I died, I might go there.  I kind of thought that, well, "I'm a child of God, so I won't go to hell.  But neither do I deserve nor want to go to Heaven, so maybe I will just go into the ground and rot into nothingness.  And that was what I wanted.  It seemed to me that life--any kind of life--even life in Heaven--was inherently tainted with misery and I didn't want any of it.  Also I was so completely drained of energy and motivation that the thought of  having to continue to expend effort in Heaven was completely unacceptable.  No, the only peace to be found, was in the ground with the worms.

There was a brief time when death seemed further away...That was from 1989-2000.  Eleven years.  Years when I was a newlywed and then a young mom.  Years when I worked hard physically and for the first time, enjoyed being in my body...Rollerblading and walking every morning...And then--completely unexpectedly-- a horrible case of mycoplasmic pneumonia struck.  And I encountered Death once again, up close and personal....but wasn't really too aware of its proximity at the time.  And the "gift" that the pneumonia left with me was a horrible case of asthma.  And suddenly, my life changed.  I was no longer a healthy young woman but a sick young woman.  I had repeated pneumonias, asthma exacerbations. and steroid myopathy  (severe muscle destruction from the steroids)...

During the next 12 years, (up to the present), I encountered Death up close and personal... Endocarditis (twice), MRSA (twice), and encephela-spinal meningitis all took turns at bringing me to the brink.  And then about 5 years ago., Psoriatic Arthritis entered --not so much to kill me--as to make my life a living hell.  And now, because of the damage that my arthritis meds do to my immune system, I'm wide open to life-threatening infection.

So now, especially when I'm approaching my 50th year, Death is again heavy on my mind.  I would so much like to be able to say, like Paul, "I've run the race--my life was not in vain."  I know that the reason that God has saved me so many many times from the grave was because I was not yet ready for Heaven....I still had road to travel in the pursuit of holiness...and God knows, I still do.  As tired as I am of struggling to get through a day, I know that I don't want to end this life until I've completed what work God has set for me to do. I know that when the moment comes for me to leave this body, I will go willingly and joyfully.

 So if you are coming to my funeral, be warned: you are coming to a party.
 "Free at last, Free at last, Thank God, I am Free at last!"

Casandra? or Job?

Wasn't it Casandra in Greek Mythology who was just a disaster everywhere she went? Well, if she was, then I think my name had more rightly been Casandra than Cynthia.

Four weeks ago, I tore a hamstring by stumbling over something.

Three weeks ago, I dislocated my hip (4th time)
two weeks ago I spent a week in the hospital for endocarditis - a potentially life threatening infection of a heart valve.
And the day before yesterday, I dislocated my hip again, (time #5)

It would be funny---except that it's so NOT. When people see me and say, "So , how's it going? What have you been up to?" I want to duck my head and scoot in another direction to avoid answering that question.

Is it really a matter of having bad luck?
Well, I for one, do not believe in luck. ---good or bad. I believe in providence. I believe in God's loving arrangement of our lives for his own good pleasure and for our own benefit. SO some of you are saying , "You believe in a God who takes pleasure in torturing you??" NO. I believe in a God who stands right with me, so closely, while I am hurting. I believe in a God who is delighted when I recognize his presence and thank him in the midst of my pain. I believe in a God who is thrilled that I do not "curse him and die" like Job's wife encouraged him to do. I believe in a God who points me out to his angels and says, 'See her? There is a woman who loves me with her whole heart."